The Joker and The Rose.

= Artemis, as usual =

"Mentlegen... is it better to be feared... loved... or respected?"

We were standing on the main deck, the entire crew in front of me, we just barely managed to fit everybody on the main deck of the ship, but i felt it necessary for what i was about to show them.

"I will let you give your own answer to that question, but i think you will find that all three would be nice AND easily obtainable once you have one of these." i lightly kicked the cannon sitting next to me, it was slightly smaller than a 24 pounder cannon you usually found on ye old ships like the Kon-Tiki III. It had special steel forging, making it more durable against the forces i was about to put it through.

"This... monstrosity of a weapon, will be one of the more important things keeping Celestia and her military from tearing us a structurally superfluous new behind." i continued.

I reached into one of my pocket on the tuxedo i was wearing, i had also donned my fedora and a pair of shades i had found in a store in Maneapolis. Out of my pocket i pulled a fairly large gem, it was orange with a hint of red in it.

"This is what makes the cannon works, i have found that gems, depending on what kind they are, have a much greater effect with a matching spell. This gem is set with a very powerful explosive spell. And that rock," i pointed towards a rock formation several hundred meters away from the ship, "is about to be reduced to a smoldering pile." i opened the chamber of the cannon and popped that sucker in.

"Now, the way this works is that another gem in the cannon automatically fires an activation spell on the explosives infused gem, in turn activating it. The special structure of the cannons insides then harness the effects of this spell and send it flying towards whatever it is pointing at. In layman's turn; point at whatever you want dead and pull the trigger." i closed the chamber and pressed a tiny little button that was sitting on top of the cannon, a low humming could be heard from inside.

"Now, it takes a while for the spell to bounce around a bit and get some real power going, depending on what spell it is, it can take up to just a few seconds to several minutes for this thing to be ready. For the convenience of this test i chose a spell that should be done about now." as if on cue the cannon made a light *pling* as if it was a microwave. The small button on the top of it started flashing red.

"There, done. Now, back where i come from there is a saying; 'The best weapon, is one you never have to fire.' i politely disagree with that. For i think that the best weapon is one that you only have to fire once... or twice depending on how good a shot you are." slight chuckles could be heard from the crew.

" So with that said, for your consideration, i give you..." i pressed the red flashing button.

A loud boom could be heard as the shot from the cannon reached by my calculations Mach 6½, give or take a few m/s.

"... the Artemis cannon." i could barely finish as i heard the shockwave closing in. I held down my hat to my head as the ship was pushed back several meters before somebody could grab the helm and make sure we didn't start to spin out of control.

I turned around and saw  that the massive rock formation had indeed been reduced to a small smoldering hill, steaming like an active volcano.

"Hmm... maybe i should have aimed it just a tad to the left," i angled my head slightly.

I felt a tap on my should and turned around, i saw Onyx standing there, her blue-green hair ruffled into a big afro like ball.

"Never... ever... do that again..." she said.

"No promises dear," i gave her a soft clap on the cheek, she just responded with a glowering stare.

"Naawh, you look so cute when you are angry," i almost lost my head there if it weren't for the lookout saving me.

"Captain! Four ships approaching from the northwest!" i heard him call down to us. I grabbed my spyglass and aimed it towards the four dots that could be seen far away.

"D'arvit! it's Captain Bloodhoof and his fleet, i guess they didn't like our showoff." i turned to Onyx, "I told you to put us far away from the city before we tested."

"I did! I have no idea how they could respond this fast."

"Well shit, that cannon is the only one operational, and it's still a prototype." i looked over to the cannon sitting on the main deck.

"Are you telling me that we have no way of defending ourselves?!" Onyx almost shouted.

"Oh don't go overreacting. Ramon, arm the crew with the dragon scale weapons, we are going full on attack this time."

Ramon nodded and went below deck with several crew members to get the newly made weapons from the armory.

I walked up to the helm as the crew made ready for battle. Tony was standing there holding the wheel.

"Alright Tony, take us towards those 4 ships right over there." i pointed towards the four objects that kept getting bigger and bigger.

Onyx walked up on the helm, "do you have any plan on how to take down four ships filled with trained military soldiers?" she asked.

"Nope, i was thinking of doing some improvisation once we actually get close." i shrugged.

"You can't be serious!" Onyx exclaimed.

"I'm always serious... with days off."

Onyx Facehoofed.

"That is really starting to become a bad habit for you." i said as i brought the spyglass to my right eye again and looked towards the ships.

It sure was the 4 equestrian ships i had read in the log about. The flag representing the sun goddess flying from the top of their masts.

"Onyx, would you kindly fly the Jolly Roger." i said.

"Sure." her horn lit up as i saw the flag i had made the night before.

It was a basic skull and bones flag but with my fedora painted onto the skulls head.

The fighters of the crew had gathered on the main deck, only half of the crew had actual combat skill, the others were the doctors, cooks and other such.

"Alright men, and women. This will be our first real battle with another ship and its crew.. We are going to pull up right along the ships and board them. These new weapons that have been fashioned from the dragon we killed before will cut through their armor like a hot knife through butter." i gestured towards the spears, swords and other such sharp, blunt, spiky and generally lethal weapons that the crew were holding.

We had to settle for steel plate armor since we only had dragon scale for the special plating of the ship and the weapons, we would have to kill another dragon if we wanted more.

The only armor that had been made from the dragon was the skin. Onyx had fixed with a tailor to reinforce my tuxedo with two layers of dragon skin on the inside of it, the dragon skin had been put between two layers of silk so that the rough leather didn't scratch against my skin. Torso, arms and legs were all protected by the new armor. It made moving around in the suit slightly more difficult but after some stretching i barely felt the difference.

"Pull us up right along the first ship, we are going to be jumping across and take them by surprise." i told Tony, he just nodded.

"Mentlegen, this is it! We are the dread pirates of Equestria! LET THERE BE NO SURVIVORS!!" I yelled as i drew my sword and raised it to the sky. The crew gave a loud 'Arrr!!' as they raised their weapons with me.

The Kon-Tiki III pulled up right along the first ship barely a meter across. I jumped up on the railing, "Send them to the Davy Jones' Locker!" i jumped across the small gap between the ships and landed on the other ships helm, the rest of the crew quickly followed but jumping between the main decks instead.

I was met with eight ponies standing on the helm, their weapons drawn and their eyes all fixed on me.

"This is gonna be fun." i approached the armed ponies.

=                   =

= Intermission =

=                   =

"Ouch!" Onyx winced.

"Now, what have we learned?" i asked the changeling as i swabbed the cut on her cheek with an alcohol drenched cotton ball.

"Don't go picking a fight with the large guy swinging a giant flail." she said in a sad tone and lowered her head as i finished swabbing and threw the cotton ball in the trashcan.

"Well... yes that is one, but the other is..." i put my hand under her chin and raised her head so our eyes met, she looked sad and defeated. "Don't fight them by latching onto their backs, holding on around their throat, screaming like a little girl and flailing around doing so." i finished, we both started laughing. The sadness completely erased from Onyx.

"The battle went better than i expected, we only lost 5 people and we managed to take down 4 ships worth of highly trained soldiers." Onyx went over the notes she had written down.

"Yeah... only..." i thought about the ones we lost.

"You know, it could be much worse."

"That's true. Now hold still." i picked out a plaster from the first aid box and stuck it to her cheek, "There we go, like new."

I suddenly heard a loud screaming coming from across the infirmary,

"For fucks sake just pull it out already! Aaaargh!!" i heard the voice scream.

"Who the-?" Onyx was interrupted by another scream.

"It's Catalina, she got hit in the leg by that crazy crossbow girl." i thought back at the mare who had wielded 2 fully automatic crossbows that shot 4 rounds each simultaneously.

"It's a miracle nobody else got hit by that." Onyx answered.

"Yeah, i should probably go check on her, she stopped screaming so either she died or they got her sedatives." i suddenly heard more screaming. "I stand corrected." i got up from the chair i had been sitting in and walked towards the source of the screaming and ranting about somebody's mother.

I approached the table where Catalina was lying, Doctor Feelgood, Gearmaine and Rough Rider were trying to hold her down while Feelgood kept struggling with the needle containing the sedative.

I stood next to them all taking in the sight, the arrow that Catalina had been struck with was still deeply embedded within her right leg, i could even see the tip of it sticking out on the other side.

"Hold still, i can't put it in if you keep moving around like that," Feelgood told Cat, her tongue sticking out in concentration, trying to guide the needle in.

I looked over Feelgood's shoulder "That's what she said,"

"You aren't exactly helping," Gearmaine said while dodging Catalina's claws from taking her face off.

"I don't really know how to help right now without risking a severe dismemberment." i looked at the furious fluffy flurry of ferocious fearsome furriness that was Catalina being held/strapped down by various people and restraining straps.

"Jeez, i guess bondage isn't on her 'Me Gusta' list." i said, dodging a rake for my neck.

"Are you going to stand there cracking sex jokes all day or are you actually going to help?" Rough Rider had already taken a flail to the side and holding down Catalina didn't help his broken ribs.

"Well, if you put it that way." i grabbed the shaft of the arrow, put my other hand on Cat's leg and pulled it straight out of her leg with just the tiniest sprinkle of blood following.

Catalina's body flexed so that her back was arched above the table, she then fell limp with a great groan escaping her mouth as her whole body relaxed.

"Holy ham in a hand basket, i didn't even need to give her the sedatives," Feelgood quickly stopped the flow of blood coming from Cat's leg and bandaged it up.

"Sometimes adrenaline is the best painkiller," i said as i looked at Catalina's face, she had a very satisfied expression as i could hear her purring, the tail flicking back and forth slowly.

"Well at least we won't have to worry about getting our faces non-surgically removed." Gearmaine said as she undid the straps and put Catalina on a stretcher. Rider put the other side of the stretcher on his back as they both carried Cat off and put her on a separate bed.

"Now if you excuse me, relieving my crew of pain has made me quite tired. If you need anything then i will be in my quarters napping." i yawned as i walked out of the infirmary and up the stairs.

I passed the mess hall where everybody who was still conscious after the fighting was sitting, many were covered in bandages and such. We had only suffered 5 losses but several had taken beatings that made them unable to fight in the near future.

A few minutes later i walked into the bathroom of my quarters, i took a quick shower, brushed my teeth and then went straight to bed.

"So far so good. lookout Celestia, there's a new kid in town."