Thoughts of Mercy

Thought's of Mercy

Slipping into Darkness

I don't care about anything anymore. School, family, friends (even though I really only have one). They don't matter at all. The only thing that does matter is that Glittershy is gone. My sister, friend, and mentor isn't here in Equestria anymore. She is forever within my spirit, but nowhere else.

Things started to change with me. I spent my days writing. I wasn't a very good writer, but I enjoyed it. I began working on a novel called Thorn of a Rose. I would never, ever publish it of course, but it was almost an obsession of mine to write a few pages every second I could. It consumed my life, filling the empty hole that Glittershy had left behind. Thorn of a Rose was the diary of a filly named Lavender who became depressed, because her best friend died of cancer. Lavender had to fight through the horrors of depression, and of course would eventually snap out of her melancholy and self-actualize and such. The story was based off of my own life. At least she was lucky. She had other friends who cared for her and actually try to help. I hadn't written an awfully a lot yet - just 50 or so pages.

No one noticed I was changing. Rainbow Dash hadn't abandoned me, but she didn't seem to care about my problems, not that I wanted to force her onto them. I was almost perfectly fine letting her talk about Wonderbolts this and Wonderbolts that. However, I wish I could talk to her about the meaning of life, the definition of happiness, and the key to a perfect life. I didn't think that last thing is even possible. I wish it was.

To put my changes in a nutshell, I was slipping into darkness. I'll admit that. Glittershy's compassionate warmth from when she was flesh and blood left me with a feeling of emptiness and incompletion. I was becoming depressed. Things weren't great at all, of course. I was such a tiny mark in Equestria and Cloudsdale, that even my own mother of all people didn't notice I had the same "illness" that Glittershy had. But that was probably just my mother's ignorance of ponies in general. She wasn't the most caring pony in the first place.

I wish this wasn't happening. Believe me, if I, Fluttershy, could change fate and my brain, I would. Being depressed is not fun. If I could, I would. Believe me. I wish I could believe myself.

~~~***~~~

Thorn of a Rose Chapter 3: Slipping into Darkness

It's a dark and stormy night, and other than the sound of thunder and rain pounding on the land, all was silent in the household. I was feeling melancholy and doodling in this, my diary. On the cover I had written in big threatening letters "Property of Lavender. If taken without premission, severe consequences." I was drawing roses. Ones with many thorns, in fact. The flowers sort of represented my life. Things seemed beautiful, but if you weren't careful, you would discover how terrifying, dangerous, and just melancholy life in general was.

Don't you, whoever is reading my diary (hopefully no one will), wonder what is the meaning of life? Don't think "42." Why are we, ponies, living on this planet we call home? What are we supposed to accomplish and achieve, self-actualization? Why do we suffer the things we do? I for one, have to endure this pain of sadness all the time. I'm slipping into darkness all the time because of my pain. Why does the world make me suffer as I do now? Is this part of my journey to self-actualization? If yes, I wish it didn't have to be part of the adventure. It would be much easier to just realize without pain and be done with it. But like some ponies say, no pain, no gain. I wish that wasn't the case.

The meaning of life might be to learn to love. It might not necessarily to learn why we are in Equestria. Well, I guess it sort of goes together. Learning to love might be on the path of self-actualization. I wish it was easy, but loving and finding your sould pony is easier said than done. Some ponies might think I'm too young to think about love and such, but I guess you're never too young. You just have to be mature enough and realize that love is more than just hooking up or some shallow school crush. It's commitment for another pony who you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Didn't you wish that the journey of finding your soul pony, your special somepony, was simple and easy, like a straight line? Instead, it's full of twists and turns, and you may never know what's around the corner. The mistress of life, like many other creatures, is harsh and wants everypony to learn things the hard way. I understand actually experiencing things is better than just thinking you're prepared for one of life's tricks. There really is no shortcut to the "correct" finish line. You just have to use your judgement to make the best choice or decision, and hope for the best. I know this is how life works, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I don't think many people like it.

I wish life was easy; that it was simple, uncomplicated with no events that are confusing. I wish that ponies would know the right thing of what to do right away, so there was no chance of something bad happening. Unfortunately for me and every other pony, all things happen for a reason. I wonder for what reason I have to endure my suffering, my pain - my slipping into  darkness.