Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show

Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle were unsure as to why Jon, the moment his phone starting ringing, had suddenly froze in the middle of the room. What was more confusing was the look of terror on his face like he was was in trouble... they weren’t too far off.

“Oh no,” Jon thought. “Who the hell is calling me?”

“Is something wrong Johnny?” Applebloom ask. “You look all weird.”

“Oh uh, we-- no it's uh, it’s... i-i-i-it's fine!” He assured her. “Probably just work calling me for some boring adult stuff.”

This was a lie. The phone that was currently crying out to Jon was his private line; no one from work (except Selina) knew this number. The only people who had knowledge of this line was, his family, close friends... and Celestia, who had enchanted his phone so it would get reception no matter where he was.

“Oh shit.” He thought. “Could... could it be.” Jon wasn’t entirely sure how he should be feeling at that moment. All he ever wanted was for him to get a chance to talk to Celestia and see what was going on with Trixie... but now that it was potentially happening he felt less than excited about the idea.

Did Celestia finally have time in her busy schedule to return one of Jon’s several messages? Did she have news about Trixie? Was it good or bad news? Did Derpy sell him out and now she knew about his sneaking into her world again and was upset? Or maybe it wasn’t her at all?

All these questions and more invaded Jon’s mind and refused to be silenced till Jon took the next logical step. Slowly he grabbed the phone from his breast pocket and raised it to his face like it was a particularly heavy dumbbell. When his eyes finally met with the screen he finally exhaled and fell back down to this seat as if he was a balloon and someone let out all his air.

“A 212 area code.” Jon thought. “It’s not her.”

Jon felt relieved and slightly disappointed at the same time. His heart was racing so instead of answering he took a moment to get ahold of himself.

“Hey Johnny!” Appleboom yelled while having her hooves. “Are ya’ll sure you’re alright?” With a sigh leaned forward.

“Yeah I’m alright I just uh.... I just need to take this call.” He said as he was moments away from sliding his finger across the screen. But just then a something grabbed his arm and yanked him down. It was Scootaloo trying to get his attention.

“OH, OH, OH, CAN I ANSWER IT!” She asked in an overly excited tone. To really show she was serious the young Pegasus yanked Jon so far down that he was now looking at her eye to eye, his shocked expression matched only by her desire to play with the strange human’s device.

Normally Jon would have said no, he did not like other people playing with this phone, but since this was not his business phone, and the fact that it was Manhattan, there was a good chance it was just someone from the Stewart Family home asking where he was. When he weighed the pros and cons he saw no harm with indulging her.

“...Sure.” He said as he gave the still ringing phone to Scootaloo.

“Awesome!” She roared as her two friends crowded around her to look at her new find, jumping at cheering at this opportunity.

“Okay, now listen very carefully, sport. When you answer the phone this is what you need to say,” He lectured, stopping briefly to make sure she was listening. “‘Hello, you have reached Jon Stewart’s private phone number. Who should I say is calling and how can I direct your call’... think you can do that?”

“Uh, yeah sure!” Scootaloo said.

“Are you positive?” Jon asked. “Remember it’s ‘Hello, you have reached Jon Stewart’s private phone number. Who should I say is calling and how can I direct your call’”

“Yeah, yeah I got it.” She assured him. “‘Hello, you’ve reached Jon Stewart’s phone.. Who are you and how can I dissect your call’... can I answer it now!?”

“Close enough.” He thought. With a nod of the head Jon gave her permission to proceed. Interestingly instead of using her hoof to slide the lock off the phone to answer she instead used the top of her left wing while using her hooves to hold the phone in place. She then without hesitation held it to her ear and took a deep breath, fully ready to speak... only to remain silent. She forgot her lines.

“What’s up!” She yelled, causing Jon to bury his face in his hands while she continued to talk to whoever was on the other line. “Who me? My name is Scootaloo...yes it is...yes he is... I don’t know can you?... I don’t know... who are you!?...A likely story lady! How do I know if Jon even has a wife!?”

“Give me that!” Jon demanded as he swiped his phone back while the three troublemakers giggled to each other. “Oh, and if I were you I’d cross ‘secretary’ off your list of possible Cutie Marks.”

Curious as to what this call was about all three fillies gathered around Jon trying their best to hear what was being said, though much like before the conversation was completely one-sided.

“Hey babe don’t worry I’m here... no... no that was just uh... just a fan of mine... yeah, no I am... yeah... yeah I’m in Ponyville because of... well you know.” He said as the three girls tried to guess what she was saying. “Wait what... oh that... yeah it’s another one of the equipments I... no that does happen... I agree just call Selina and tell her to pick it up... exactly yes... okay... okay I will, I promise... okay... yes, I love you too babe, bye.”

After their short conversation ended Jon promptly holstered his device back over his heart whereupon he saw Applebloom and Sweetie Belle staring at him with glinted eyes.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!” They both trilled.

“What?” Jon said.

“You said the ‘L’ word!” Sweetie Belle answered.

“I didn’t know you had your own very special somepony!” Applebloom added.

“Let’s get one thing straight here.” He said in a off tone. “Tracey ain’t no pony! She’s Catholic.”

Despite his jesting the two friends continued their affectionate cooing. Scootaloo by comparison was expressively indifferent towards the subject.

“So what did she want?” Scootaloo asked while trying to put a gap between her and her squawking friends.

“Oh nothing really, she just wanted to know where I was,” he answered. “And to tell me that she found one of my suitcases.”

“...Suitcases?” Scootaloo asked, as she and her friends moved in, their bodies fueled by curiosity. “What suitcases.”

“Oh it’s nothing special you see I... well not too long ago I did a special episode here in Equestria.” Jon explained. “I got to interview Princess Luna in front of the Castle.”

“Oh I remember that one!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed.

“Me too!” Scootaloo added. “It’s my favorite episode ever... well second next to Rainbow Dash’s of course.”

“Yeah well Celestia... wait... you girls watch my show?” He asked.

“Of course we do!” Applebloom proudly announced. “We always take time in between crusading to watch you on TV.”

This declaration was only slightly exaggerated. Applebloom wanted to assure Jon that they were loyal fans... in practice it just made him feel uncomfortable.

Jon’s opinions on censorship was always a wavering one. In his younger years he was always against it and when someone brought up that without it kids might see inappropriate content his response would be to point out that they would just see it anyway and if you deny it to them they’ll just want to see it more. When he was a kid his mother always told him to not look at those hidden magazines at the corner bodega but that only made him want to do it more.

His opinions on the subject leaned less liberal when he had his own kids however; both he and his wife made sure they didn’t watch his show. And while Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo weren’t his kids, he still felt awkward.

“By the way... we were watching an episode of yours the other day and you were talking about something we didn’t understand.” Applebloom said. “Remember girls?”

“Oh that’s right!” Scootaloo complied. “You were talking about something called... 'congress.'”

“Ah, I actually get this alot.” Jon admitted. One thing he learned about Pony audiences was that for the most part his base sense of humour was very easy to infer upon but a great deal of context was lost to them. For almost all of them when Jon made a joke about a certain person or body of government they understood the how portion of the joke but not the way.

“Yeah so can we ask you a question about that?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Sure. If there is anything you want to clarify for you let me know.” Jon offered, actually looking forward to sharing his knowledge of American politics to such young minds.

“Alright... well in your show you called congress a certain word.” Applebloom said. “And we didn’t know what it meant.”

“Oh no.” Jon thought, now thinking that maybe he might be way over his head.

“... What does ‘Procrasturbation’ mean?” She asked. Definitely way over head.

“OKAY! Uh... whew... alright uh well you see... um.” Jon stammered before clearing his throat and sitting straight up. “Ask your parents.”

“Ugh! That’s what everypony says!” A disappointed Scootaloo grumbled as she wiped her nose.

“Well I’m sorry but I just don’t feel like... I mean aren’t you girls a little too young to be watching my show?” He asked with a concerned look about him.

“Pfft you sound just like my sister.” Applebloom sneered. “She’s always telling me to not watch your show.”

“Mine too!” Sweetie Belle added. “Rarity says it’s a bad influence on me and it teaches young fillies how to use foul language.”

“...Well?” Jon asked. “Do you end up saying bad words?” There was a silence followed by a quick shifting eyes from the three friends.

“I don't know.” Appleboom answered.

“Uh, a-a-anyway!” Scootaloo injected, to try and change the subject. “About those suitcases!”

“Huh? Oh right! So anyway after I finished interview Luna I was approached by Celestia backstage... she said that the show was such a monumental success that she wished to keep the portable Daily Show stage here as a keepsake... apparently it’s going to be put on display at the Canterlot Museum’s hall of fame or something.” He continued to explain. “Well all she needed from me was the stage and backdrop... everything else that we had brought, lights, cameras, sound equipment etcetera, we brought back but we didn’t take all of it at once.. so every now and again the Princess sends me some of my leftover gear... it’s a pain, but at least almost everything is accounted for.”

“Oh.” Scootaloo said, slightly disappointed by Jon’s lackluster explanation. “But then how do you do your show without all your gear?”

“No, no the stage we brought here was an easily portable one.” He answered. “It’s the same one we took to Washington and Florida and... it was a spare... a spare set so we could afford parting with it for so long.”

While Scootaloo and Applebloom wondered what Washington and Florida were, Sweetie Belle had a sudden moment of clarity so powerful that a tiny spark of magic ignited at the tip of her horn like a small firework.

“I GET IT NOW! I KNOW WHY YOU’RE HERE!” She announced surprising everyone in the room. “You’re here to interview my sister!”

This sudden accusation made Sweetie Belle’s two friends immediately look up at Jon who was sporting a similar look of uncertainty.

“Beg pardon?” Jon said.

“That’s why you’re here in Carousel Boutique! You’re ‘secret mission’ is to ask my sister to come on your show!” She explained, confident with her theory. “And that’s why you didn’t tell us because you wanted it to be a surprise!”

Before Jon could explain how her interpretations of Jon’s visit was misguided her two friends joined the fray, apparently sharing her assumptions.

“Of course! It all makes sense now! You’ve interviewed all our sister's except Sweetie Belle’s!” Scootaloo joined in. “You interviewed my sister; Rainbow Dash, and you’ve interviewed Applebloom’s sister, Applejack... now all you gotta do is interview Rarity!”

Hey yeah that's true!" Applebloom agreed. "Well except for the part about you and Rainbow Dash since you don't actually have a sis-”

Before she could finish her sentence Scootaloo quickly shoved her hoof into her mouth to prevent her from speaking, before looking back at Jon.

“Like I said... you’ve already interviewed our sisters, but not her’s.” Scootaloo added.

“That’s gotta be why you’re here! Right Johnny!?” Applebloom asked after breaking free. “You’re here to ask Rarity to come on your show.”

Jon hated to have to disappoint children.

“Look girls... I’m sorry to have to say this but... that’s actually not why I’m here.” Jon confessed, earning him a mixture of shocked and disheartened faces.

“W-w-what!?” Sweetie Belle exclaimed!

“Then why the heck are you even here!?” Scootaloo demanded to know.

“I’m here because...” Jon paused, he couldn't bring himself to actually go there at the moment. “Well like I said it’s top secret because--”

“Because you really are going to ask Rarity!” Sweetie Belle interrupted, convinced that there was still a chance. “But you just don’t want to tell us yet!”

“Geez you don’t give up do ya, hun?” Jon sighed. “Ok look I’ll tell you why I’m really here.”

The three friends suddenly stopped with either trying to converse with Jon or each other and immediately sat down to listen like it was story time at school.

“Alright listen... the reason I’m here is because... is because I’m trying to sneak into Canterlot Castle.” He confessed, much to the confusion of the three fillies.

“Uh Johnny?” Applebloom said. “You do know this aint the castle right?”

“Hey! I’m not senile yet!” He exclaimed. “I know this isn’t the castle I just... I just ducked in here for a bit as a slight detour.”

“Why... do you want to go to the castle?” Scootaloo asked.

“Okay that’s definitely top secret.” He continued. “But just know it has nothing to do with my show or Rarity.”

Upon hearing the revelation the entire room went quiet. After some quick exchanges one of the fillies finally spoke.

“So... you’re not here for my sister?” Sweetie Belle asked, her eyes looking like they were about to shed a tear.

“I’m afraid not.” Jon guiltily confirmed. Again silence, and again broken by Sweetie Belle.

“Well then... can you ask her anyway?” She said.

“Oh honey,” Jon grumbled “I’d love to but it’s just not in the schedule right now... besides I don’t think--”

“OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE!” She begged, jumping up and down like she was trying to kill a spider. “PLEASE HAVE MY SISTER ON YOUR SHOW! She’s real nice, and pretty, and smart, and kind, and, and, and I’m sure your audience will love her!”

“You can do it, right big guy!?” Scootaloo joined. “I know nothing will beat Rainbow Dash’s interview when it comes to coolness, but Rarity is an alright mare!”

“Yeah come on Johnny! Rarity’s real nice! She even helped make our capes! If you had her on your show, I’ll bet she’ll make some costumes for you too!” Applebloom added, trying to jump on his lap. “If you do we’ll make you an honorary member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders!”

“GIRLS PLEASE!” Jon said, loud enough so they could hear him. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, really I do... but the fact of the matter here is...”

Jon paused at the sight that was now before him. Like synchronized swimmers all three fillies lined in in a row and were now looking at Jon with large watery eyes and pouty lips. Jon knew this technique all too well for it was the same method used by his own children from time to time.

“Oh god the puppy eyes,” Jon thought. “Why did it have to be the puppy eyes.”

With almost a decade of living with their father both Maggie and Nathan latched on to the idea very early on that Jon had weakness for adorable children with begging faces... an idea they so thoroughly abused because it was true. Whenever they wanted anything they always went to their father rather than their mother (since Tracey McShane worked with animals she, over time, developed an immunity to puppy eyes from literal puppies).

Jon was determined to fight such steady streams of concentrated cuteness... maybe in another decade when his kids were all grown up would Jon finally learn to resist such things. But today was not that day.

“Look girls I... I mean you three are very... I’m sure Rarity is... look just because I.... I... come on girls give me ah...” Jon stammered, finding it hard to talk when he was looking at three pairs of eyes so big he could almost see his reflection. Scootaloo’s stuffy nose really helped in making her look extra pathetic.

Soon artificial tears began to form and their lips began to quiver, thus sealing the deal. It felt as if Jon's heart was bout to break down the middle so without even thinking about it he said the first thing that came to mind that would make them stop.

“Okay fine!” He blurted as he threw his arms in the air before a rain cloud could materialize over their heads. “I’ll have Rarity on my show just please for the love of god stop looking at me like that!”

If Jon could go back in time and give himself some advice (Other than telling himself to get some more sleep the day BEFORE his wedding because, no matter how many ways you explain it, there’s no getting out of yawning during your father-in-law’s toast) it would be to have covered his ears at the exact moment he agreed to have Rarity on his show. The reason being because the cheering and cries of delight were so loud he felt as if he would need a hearing aid afterwards.

“You really mean it!” Sweetie Belle yelled over her still cheering friends. “You’ll really interview Rarity!”

“If it’s alright with her then yes,” Jon explained. “But on one condition!”

“Sure, anything!” Applebloom commented. “If you still want to be a member of our club that’s fine! Since you don’t have a Cutie Mark you technically qualify.”

“No not that, but thanks... remember how I said I wanted to sneak into the Castle?” He asked, getting some nods in return. “No you don’t.”

“Oooooooh sure thing Johnny!” Applebloom blurted. “You were never going to the Castle.”

With a slight raise of his eyebrow Jon gave her a look.

“Oh! I mean uh... what castle?” She added with a wink. Jon gave her an affirming nod which only served to confuse someone else.

“What do you mean ‘what castle?’” Scootaloo interjected. “The one that Jon tried to sneak his way into without the Princess-- OOF!”

Before she could finish both Sweetie Belle and Applebloom elbowed her in the stomach, causing Jon to chuckle to himself.

“Well then,” Jon sighed as the implications of his decision weighed in. “It looks like my plans have changed a bit... I’ll probably have to go home early now to get things set up... so... where is this Rarity anyway.”

Standing up now Jon looked in all direction as if he was trying to find her in all the mess.

“Oh she said she’ll be back soon.” Sweetie Belle answered. “She went to mail a package but she always gets distracted on the way back by potential clients.”

Jon continued to have a look at the store which was still in shambles from the Crusaders’ running about.

“If that’s the case shouldn't you clean this mess up?” He asked. “I can’t imagine your sister would like her shop being such a pigsty.”

“Oh yeah... that would be a good idea.” Applebloom commented as she followed Jon’s vision to across the room. “You wanna help us.”

Rather than saying yes or no Jon looked down at three fillies sporting their best youthful faces of innocents.

“If I say ‘no’ you guys will just do that begging thing again, won’t you?” He asked.

“Probably.” Applebloom responded with a smirk.

“Okay, fine.” Jon sighed as he moved across the room, with the fillies following close behind, to pick up a fallen closeline. “Let’s get started before you roll any more sevens.”

With smiles bolted by rivets of bliss, the three young fillies cheerfully helped Jon pick up the many fabrics littered across the floor. The four of them said nothing, leaving Jon alone with this thoughts actively trying to piece together in his head how things ended up like this. In the end he decided that this wasn’t such a bad twist of fate... he had to admit he was curious about this potential new guest of his. Though he still much rather be at the castle.

But while everyone continued their cleanup detail someone was slowly approaching the outside of the boutique. Someone who by all rights had no idea of what was going on within its walls.

The four of them barely got started when the sound of a door opening caused them to look up from what they were doing. It came from the other side of the building towards the entrance. What really cemented their now captured attention was the voice that followed with it.

“Oh Sweetie Belle,” An almost angelic voice echoed. “I’m back from the...AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH. WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA IS GOING ON HERE!?”

The voice in question went from heavenly to ghastly in a fraction of a second, almost as if the person had a stunt double for just such an occasion.

“The hell was that?” Jon asked.

“That...” Sweetie Belle gulped. “Would be my sister.”