dabigpoop in equestria

Chapter 1- Jarod
The party had just begun to die down when we decided to leave. Alex was smashed, and yet he insisted on driving. Although I was the designated driver i decided to let him drive. He jumped over the door of the jet black convertible, despite his drunken state he somehow managed to land perfectly in his seat. I sighed as I opened the passenger door and asked "are you absolutely positive you can drive?”
"Hellz yeah, I can drive dis tang!" He replied.
"Well let’s get going' then."
"Maaaannn youz needz ta liytan up a bit qwit poupin on teh party!" He slurred.
"Just move it the fuck along!" I said, starting to get sick of his shenanigans.
"Okay."
He put the car into drive and pulled away from the barn that was blaring techno and flashed neon into the night sky. "Man wherez teh tunez in dis ting." Alex asked.
"The radio is broken you dumbass, remember? You broke it the last time we did this." I replied. "Haha yeaz i remememberzez dat."
I sighed in response.
"Wellz yes I gotz to makez mah own tunez tehn."
"Oh lord..." I began only to be cut off my Alex screeching
"WE GOTZ HUAN TICKET TO PARADISE!!!!!"
Just then a steep ridge came into view, And Alex was not slowing down....
- Dakota
Dakota was just a normal person minding his own business shopping at a gas station placed right below a seemingly perilous ridge. "Hmm i wonder how Jarod and Alex are going at that rave of theirs." He wondered to himself as he grabbed some mountain dew, beef jerky, and corn nuts.
- Jarod
"ALEX SLOW THE FUCK DOWN YOU CRAZY FUCKING CUNT!!!!!!!!" I screamed as Alex sped us toward the huge turn on the ridge.
Alex continued to yell "WE GOTZ HUAN TICKET TO PARADISE!!!!!"
The car hit the railing with a brutal medley of sounds that all involved breaking something-or-other. The car then soared off of the cliff and everything seemed to slow down. The fall seemed to last for hours. Alex continued his debauched mutilation of the song and I screamed probably the loudest i ever have. I heard a faint cry coming from the trunk of the car and I remembered that Alex thought it would be funny to lock our friend Bryce in there. Then the car slammed through the roof of a gas station and barreled through the main building into the fuel stations where everything was blown sky high and the world went black...

• Alex
  I woke up in a big jungle, but something didn't seem right, it seemed cartoonish. I immediately dismissed this thought. "Yur stilz drunk zilly!" I exclaimed to myself.
  It was still night time out, so I assumed it was just a little while ago when Jarod and I crashed. "Speking-o-Jayord! Wherez iz 'E?" I said, just then I looked over and saw him lying on the ground still K.O.
  "Jarod gets ur sleepy azz up!" I said as I stood up as well.
  "Whoaz! Fuggin gravity herez way liyter!" Jarod remained still.
  "Ok fugger ges I gotz teh drag yeh!" I proceeded to grab one of his legs and pulled him behind me through the forest to what looked like a little town built for people 3 feet tall, it seemed vaguely familiar. Jarod's body got snagged on many things like rocks and brambles, and when we reached the outskirts of the town he was covered in scratches. I finally figured out why this town seemed familiar "OH MAHZ GOD WE IN PONEEEEVEEEELLLEEEE JAROD!!!!!!" I saw a nearby club that seemed open and dragged Jarod over. The bouncer looked at me oddly and said "who, and more importantly, WHAT are you?" "Whoz am I? I AM ALEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXX!!!!!" I yelled, and then I threw the bouncer out of the way and went into the club, Jarod in tow. I propped Jarod up against a wall next to the bar and proceeded to where vinyl scratch was dj-ing. I miraculously found an usb port and plugged my iPod into it; the speakers began to blare my music. All of the ponies in the club all looked at where I was then I yelled DABIGPOOP IN DA HOUSE. Everypony made a beeline for the door while screaming at the sight of me. I was starting to think that they didn't know what humans where... In the midst of the commotion a, bottle of everfree vodka fell from on top of the bar onto Jarod's head.
  
• Jarod
  "SONOFA COCK JUGGLING CUNT GUZZELER!!!!!!!!!" I yelled as I felt my soaked head grow a lump on it. I gripped my head and looked up at why this would have happened only to have more questions fill my head. I was in a room full of at least 30 ponies running for a single exit, and on the opposite side of the exit, go figure, is Alex standing there at a dj turntable jamming out. "GODDAMNIT ALEX WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME!?!?!?" I yelled over the music. The last thing i remember was the car crash. I leapt up and ran at Alex and grabbed him while yelling “WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?!?!? HOW'D WE GET HERE!?!? "I DONTZ FUGGIN NO!!!! WE WERE IN THE FOREST AND I DRAGED YUZ TO PONYVILLE!!! Now that the room was clear I grabbed Alex and brought him over to the door and outside. A small crowd was dwindling outside in the road but quickly dispersed at the sight of us. Right when I was going to open my mouth to say something to Alex a bunch of Pegasus outfitted with royal guard armor surrounded us. "Oh shi-" I began but was cut off by Alex grabbing the club's bouncer, who was nearby, and brought a cupcake up out of nowhere and held it against the bouncers head, he then proceeded to yell "NOPONY MOVE I GOT A CUPCAKE AND I AINT AFRAID TEH USE IT!!!!" The guards immediately stepped back. The bouncer said "hey man I got a wife and two fillies at home!" The bouncer then broke down and started weeping. In the meantime I had put my hands up. One of the pegasi said “hey man just put the cupcake down and come with me, we're just going to take you to Celestia so she can ask you some questions." "YULE NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPERS!!!!!!" Alex yelled. He then ran into the Everfree Forest. I kept my hands up and said "i surrender" and the pegasi took me away in a chariot except more like a mobile cage.
  
• Alex
  I ran into the forest and decided to put the bouncer up in a tree. Once he was secured i stuck the cupcake on a branch in front of him and said "I wouldn't move if I where you." I left him weeping and continued to run through the forest until I tripped on a rock, fell onto a branch, and knocked myself out by landing on another rock. Then when I woke up I was in a jail cell and then I proceeded to kick the door of its hinges it went flying across the room and then I ran to the giant wooden doors I pushed them open and ran I did not see any cops or anything so I knew I was not In a cop station so I proceeded to look around for a way out.
  
• Jarod
  I was being lead to a big hall by about 50 guards I did not won't to make a bad first impression on the pony’s but Alex probably didn't help that wait a second where did he even go god dammit he's probably terrorizing all the ponies I just hope he don't find fluttershy he'll probably ponynap her or something my thoughts were interrupted when we stopped in front of two giant fancy doors they were opened by the guards and then I saw the two princess I bowed my head to them and then Luna said “first what are you and why have you come to equestria” then I explained all that I know and then Celestia asked me where my friend is I said “honestly I don't know” just then as if right on cue he ran through the doors ran up to Celestia and slapped her right across her face everypony stared in complete shock as Alex jumped through the window that was right above the cliff. Alex fell all the way to the forest below we all stopped looking at the window and looked back at Celestia she looked like she was about to start crying but then her expression changed to one of those I'm going to rip his dick off and shove it down his throat faces I almost pissed myself then Luna said “sister are you ok?” Celestia looked at her than at the guards and said “please go and bring him back here for I can talk to him” she said in a very annoyed voice.
  
• Alex
  I saw two giant doors so I thought that would be the way out but when I ran through the doors it opened to a throne room so I yelled LERROY JANKINS! and slapped the first person I saw and the next thing I see is a bunch of ponies dressed in armor I don't want to be caught so I jumped out the window and landed in a forest I don't know where I am but it felt safe. But safe is boring so I decided to yell COME GET ME SLENDER BITCH! and when I saw something move in a bush I jumped at it but it wasn't slender man it was a giant dragon it was sleeping so I did what any person would do......I pissed on its face and ran away yelling SMELL YA LATER BITCH! As it woke up. When I was far enough away I stopped looked at a tree it had a wired face on it I said WHAT YOU LOOKING AT YOU UGLY MOTHER FUCKER I'LL BURN YOU ALIVE BITCH!
  
• Jarod
  The guards brought me to a jail cell it was small and old it looked like it hasn't been used in years I just laid down and went to sleep I was woke up when I heard the sound of a door open the next thing I saw was them dragging Alex it looked like he was knocked out he must of hit his head pretty hard it takes a lot to knock him out. They throw him in the cell next to mine he woke up soon after they left then he said damn I hit that pebble pretty hard I face plumbed then he punched the wall separating us and his fist went through the wall like it was made of Lagos I yelled “DA FUCK”. He only said “sup bro” I punched him in the face but he only laughed at me and said “you know you can't hurt me you little baby man so what happened when I was gone”. I said not much happened after you bitch slapped the princess. I bitch slapped the princes damn I'm moving up in da world. He said happily I face palmed again.
  
• Alex
  “Let's blow this shit stand” ,I said and I deployed one of my Bryce things I told him to go and look if there are any guards. There where and the poor little things got smashed to death by one of the guards huffs “well now we know that there are guards”. Jarod said Alex they were standing there the whole time! Oh will that would explain why there where to ponies standing there and talking :). Then I proceeded to kick the door of the hinges one of the guards screamed like a little girl I fell down and laughed my ass off. The guard looked madly at me so then I got up and ran I lost sight of Jarod and as luck would have it I ran right into the throne room then I saw Celestia I said fuck and tried to run out the door but it got slammed shut I turned around to see one pissed of goddess pony looking at me with a death glare I almost laughed at her but she would probably get more mad so I did what anybody would do I throw a cupcake at her she did not like that her glare got more intense that's when I started to laugh
  she was surprised she asked me what was funny and I yelled YOUR FACE! And that's when I got the need to do something random I ran up and kissed the smallest alcorn that had highlights in her hair the guard next to her jumped on me and said how dare you kiss my wife. I throw him off and said it was an amazing kiss I pulled out a cupcake and said “don't move or you'll get it” And after that I jumped out another window and ended up breaking through the roof of what looked to be a flower shop I saw Jarod run past so I ran out of the shop and followed him when I caught up to him I said 'so did you have any trouble getting out?' he said no where were you? I said I was just having some fun that's all ha ha ha.
  
• Dakota
  As Dakota woke up he soon realized that he was naked and tied up. Oww my head what is that a strapon what ARE YOU DOING AAAAAAA.
  
• Bryce #2
  I was doing what the master told me to do so I ran under the door I didn't see anything at first so I thought it was safe but then I heard a clopping noise but then I saw Bryce #1 get crushed under a huff I ran back to Alex and told him and then jumped back into his pocket and said hi to the other bryce's.
  
• Alex
  Jarod and Me ran into the forest it was dark and gloomy so I decided to sing a song num num num num num num num num nu Jarod said shut up. I did but only for a little bit hey what's that. I saw a lion thing sooo again I did what anybody else would do I grabbed a stick and I poked then lion “best idea ever”. Then the lion looked at me I poked it in the eye it rowed and slung its claws at me I dodged and jumped out of the way I yelled Jarod wake up NOW! He got up and said what’s wrong? There's a lion thing trying to kill me! Jarod started running to we ran for a little bit we were completely lost but right as Jarod was about to give up hope I said hey I see a small house I ran up to it and knocked on the door and ran behind a tree then a zebra came out the door and it said who is the beast I see hiding behind a tree? That's when I knew it was time to go because you don't fuck with people that rhyme so I grabbed Jarod and said let's get da fuck out of here we ran for a little bit but then I saw a cave I looked in it to see Dakota being raped by a girl pony with a starry hat I waved at him and said hi and left. We ran for a about 20 minutes we stopped because we were at the edge of the woods. Hey Jarod I can see a small town wait that's no way Jarod its ponyville O MY GODS!
  
• Jarod
  Yeah I, can read the sign Alex. Hey Jarod I think I see an apple tree over there. Wait Alex I think that's sweet Apple acres don't take any apples or they'll think you're stealing their apples but it was too late Alex had already ran into sweet Apple acres as I got there Alex was on the floor holding his balls yelling random curse words at a big red pony da fuck what happened? Then something hard hit me into the back of my head and then everything went black. I woke up to see Alex drinking something that smells like apple cider and I heard banging on the door but there was no door but there was a hatch so I thought that we were in the farm ponies cellar and it sounded like they did not want us in here. GET OUT OF MY CIDER CELLAR YA RASCOLS OH CELESTIA WHEN I GET MA HUFFS ON YALL THERES GOING TA BE HAY TA PAY! the then farm pony said I started town get worried but I was wasn’t surprised to see Alex dancing and singing he then looked at me and said don't worry Jarod there’s a back way out of here just follow me ok let’s go to ADVENTURE! Jarod “oh no this is not going to end well.”
  
• Alex
  "AY JAWOD I FEEL KINDA DRUNKS!"
  "Alex you just drank about 50 jugs of that stuff how'd you even drink all that stuff you should be on the floor having a seizure right about now?"
  "Jaged u knews ims goods giths my acahawls wayts get guings tos the bar itsvgoibg town be fojebhellbof anight cqamonjarod you bitch let's pawtay all night longs."
  "Alex we can’t go to town they'll throw us in a jail cell and stop talking like a retard." "What u talking about Jarod a looks a big tree a there's a door jarod there’s books I'm going ta make a pinyata!" 5 minutes later. "Ant it the best pinyata yours ever seens in all da worlds?"
  Hey, what's that noise spike are you getting into the refrigerator again? No Twilight. Then what the bucks that noise?!
  Hey Jerod I bet I san bit that glass off that tagol went this books. Hey what the buck are you doing into my HOUSE! What whars thwat ims ins u hose hey its a horse pinyata lets braks it opines! "And more importantly what are you!?" Alex then replied "I ........AM..........AAAAALLLLEEEEEEXXXXX!!!
  

• Jarod
  ALEX NO is all I could say as he jumped into the air and kicked twilight in the face knocking her out cold.
  ALEX WHAT THE FUCK DUDE!
  Her looks at me funny so Alex did what Alex thought Alex had to do. Dude now we're going to get arrested for breaking and entering and assault. What should we do with da body? She's not dead and we should put her in her bed. EWW JAGOD U's can't do that with her he's a ponies dudes. Hey I did not say I wanted to do that with her! Oh kzz let's go TO BED I CALL THAT ONE! Hey what are you things doing with twilight! Jarod itsadragonkill it! No Alex don't kill it. I don't needs to I tiez it up. How? I hit it with a book. How is that tying it up. I....... don't know. FUSS RO DAA EAT THAT DRAGON! Jarod im goingtogotobednow night zzzzzzzz. As Alex walked upstairs Jarod realized what just happened. Oh god we're going to be in a lot of trouble in the morning.

• Alex
  I woke up to a splitting headache ‘oh god damn it I have a hangover this fucking sucks dick.’ I got up holding my head walked out of the room being careful not to fall down in vain because I fell down the staircase the way down insisted of a lot of words starting with f, s, c, and d at the bottom I got up walked more like limped my way to the bathroom there I checked my body to find that nothing serious happened just some bruises here and there the odd thing is that I couldn’t hear or see Jarod anywhere ‘I wonder where Jarod is hmm he must have gone for a walk he can handle himself he’ll be fine.’ I went into the dining room to grab some food I could only find this weird salad it tasted like grass. After that I, walked into the living room ‘dame this place is like a library well I’m bored time to find something to do.’ I walked outside but stuck to the alleyways because if that apple pony sees me she’ll probably try to kill me after a little bit I found the school house and thought ‘kids always give helpful advice.’
  -Jarod
  I woke up feeling like shit so I decided to go for a walk to clear my mind I walked out the door it was still kind of dark but that only means there are less ponies to see me I stuck to the alleyways I got out of town after a couple of minutes there is a big hill with an apple tree on it I walked up it grabbed an apple and laid down closed my eyes and slipped into sleep I woke up to the sound arguing “come on sis I know I seen it over here.” “Come on apple bloom there is no weird monkey here I reckon ya made this whole thing up.” Oh shit that’s applejack if she sees me I’m dead I start to crawl away from the voices I get to the edge of the hill I roll down it at the bottom I get up and start running when I hear “hey it’s that animal form yesterday I’M GOING TO BUCK YOU UP SO BAD GET BACK HERE.”
  -Alex
  I don’t see anyone so I walk to the back of the school there is a bunch of fillies playing on the playground I see diamond tiara and silver spoon picking on 2 of the CMC I walk up to them and grab them by their necks and throw them away I look down and ask “are you two ok?” “Yes but what are you?” “I’m a human but have you seen another thing that looks like me pass by here?” “No but we will be glad to help you look for it” ‘that sounds great to me lets go.’ We walk for a bit no one noticed me but we can’t find Jarod we look for a little longer with no success but then we see him running and yelling ‘ HELP ME OH GOD HELP SHES GOING TO KILL ME! I grabbed him and pulled him into the alleyway and put my hand over his mouth to keep him quiet he sees that it’s me and says ‘ damn I thought I was going to die fuck that was scary man I almost shit myself hey why are the CMC here and what are they doing?’ ‘A hole is a hole wait what did u say I was just remembering a story about scoot also oh they were helping me look for you.’ There is a story about me can you tell me it pleas?’ sure. NO YOU CAN’T TELL HERE IT YOU DIP SHIT THAT WOULD TRAUMATIZE HER.’ ‘Well I thought it was a good fanfic well anyway let’s get going we can’t go to the library cus twilight is probably undone by now so I have no idea of where we can go.’ ‘Hey you can come to the clubhouse I think it’s big enough for all of us to fit.’ Said scootaloo ‘well if it isn’t you can sit on my lap baby.’ ‘What I’m not a baby but uh okay?’ ‘Alex knock that shit off you fucking pervert!’ ‘lol well lets go.’ We walked for bit when we got to the clubhouse I looked at it. It is small but it’s big enough for us all to fit in it :( after the cmc left we talked about what we were going to do then we fell asleep.
  -jarod
  Before we fell asleep we decided that we would make amends with the ponies so when I woke Alex up we talked some more to figure out who we see first we agreed that we should go see twilight because she seems a lot safer then apple jack. We left when it was dark so to not be seen I remembered the way so it did not take us long to get there we could see her through the window she looked bad her eye was twitching and her mane is uncap and there is books everywhere I could listen to what she is saying if I put my ear to the window ‘what’s taking the girls so long we have to find those human before they cause more trouble.’ As she finished the sentence the door opened rainbow dash walked in saying something about practice for the wonder bolts. ‘I don’t care if you were practicing we have to find these humans before somepony gets hurt.’ ‘Ok comedown twilight I saw one earlier and it didn’t look so taught I bet I can take em all by myself.’ ‘Yea well if the whole royal guard couldn’t stop them then what is the chance that you can you have to think logically.’ ‘So they are going to try and captor Alex and me well this is going to be fun.’
  -Alex
  As Jarod looked away from the window he said “Alex we have to get out of here they're going to try to capture us and bring us to princess celestia and she is most likely going to have us hung.” So me and Jarod headed back to the cmc clubhouse we didn't know what we were going to do option 1 we could hand our self’s in and most likely be put to death or run and hide like little baby men but we decided to think our options over. We were getting close to the cmc clubhouse but when we heard hoof steps we stopped and got down on the ground to not be seen we crawled over to a bush by the tree house we peeked out of the bush to see apple jack and big mack standing there and talking to the filly’s. We heard them say that some other filly’s saw them with the humans and that they wanted to know where the humans where the filly’s said that they haven’t seen the humans since they went to sleep. Jarod had been laying there for about 5 minutes and was starting to get itchy it was uncontrollable he had to scratch when he moved to scratch the itch he moved the bush the pony’s all turned towards the noise to see what it was big mack started to walk over to where he heard the noise as he looked in the bush he saw a shadow getting smaller as he raised his head he saw two tall creators running away. As Alex ran he turned to Jarod and said “we should go to the old castle in the everfree forest they won’t look for us in there. So me and Jarod ran to the old castle when we could see the castle we heard a scream for help we thought what the hell why not so we ran to the place we heard the scream and what we saw amazed us there stuck about 30 feet in a tree was our friend Andy. When we got him down we asked how he got here.

-Andy

I was sobbing when Alex and Jarod got me out of the tree. They asked me how I had got here. I told them all that I could remember: “it was dark out, I was walking to the gas station to get some chips and a soda. But as I was walking past a dark alley…*sob* a-a big black man grabbed me and he- he threw me onto the ground and then he said ‘i'm gonna make you ma bitch’. I screamed and tried to run... b-but he held me down... he pulled down my pants *sob* and then-then-theh… *sob* He was so big… At first, I was okay with it, ya know, anything to get some action… but he… It hurt so bad… He must have been at least a foot long, and a girth two times the size of a soda can… *sob* I felt him push the tip of his monster against my asshole. He… He went in dry…. *sob* He was so forceful. I felt my ass tear the farther he went in. Luckily my blood lubricated him a little bit… *sob* It made it a little less painful… I felt a pain I had never felt before, my intestines felt like they were being pushed into my chest. He thrashed my digestive tract so violently that all of my innards were displaced… And then he… He came… A jet so violent that it shot through my intestines, my stomach, and my throat… It came pouring out my mouth. I could hardly breathe. The thick sloppy goo got into my lungs… *sob* But it wasn't over after that… He pulled out, and took some of my intestines with him, and pulled me around so my mouth was facing him…. Then he forced open my mouth and shoved his massive, still rock hard, cock down my throat… *sob* I-I could taste my own blood from my ass… My throat burned with every thrust… Each time his raging cock went deeper and deeper into my throat… I started to lose consciousness from lack of air, due to his massive dick… *sob* He came again.. It shot through my system again and cum flew out my asshole…. He pulled out and I fell, limp, to the ground… Cum oozed from every crevice on my body… He knelt down next to me and whispered in my ear: ‘Do you know why they call me Frieza? Cuz I'm the coldest muthafucka in the hood.’ and with that he thrust his monstrous, gigantic, throbbing, demon of a member he called his cock into my ear… and everything went white…”
“Did it go white for you? Because it went black for us..” Jarod said.
“Must’ve been all the cum,” Alex said.
Andy just stared at them deadpanning. He then felt the sudden urge to punch Alex in the face, and did so. The right hook sent Alex sailing to the ground where he landed head first onto a small pebble and was knocked out. His last thoughts: I wonder where i can get more alcohol.