My new life... HAS PONIES?!

“I decided royal charmer” she said moving her hoof along his mane as he sleeps. I nodded my head, smirked, and said “perfect.” We walked out of the baby’s room and back to the living room to talk about what’s been going on. She has been doing fine; some of the animals haven’t been cooperating, but she said that she could handle it. “It was nice catching up with you, but I have some business to attend to” I said opening the front door.

She waved good bye as I closed the door. I walked into town square and started looking for an old friend. “Hay crackpot where are ya!” I yelled cupping my hand around my mouth. Nopony answered. I tried again. “What!” he yelled stumbling drunk out of a dark ally.

He fell to the ground. I ran to him and helped lift him up. “Thanks, man” he said catching whatever balance he had left. “No problem, but I need your help with something” I said stuffing my hand into my front pocket. “What is it?” he asked leaning against a wall.

“Have you ever heard of a gun?” I questioned. “Oh, you’re looking for that rare shit. No I haven’t got it, but I know somepony that can help you” he stated making this more and more complicated. “Who?” I asked. “Come with me, my friend” he said in a Russian accent. I followed him to a small bar named “berry punches’ booze house.”

We walked down the back stairs to a door saying “basement.” We entered and there were ponies carrying barrels full a feather beer, booze, wine, or scotch. Without any warning crackpot yelled “hey boss man!” A faint voice came from around the corner that said “I’m over here, crackpot.” We approached the cause of the voice.

It was an earth pony eating what appeared to be hay fries and a sandwich. He dipped a fry into a packet of ketchup and shoved it into the gaping hole that was his mouth causing a drop of ketchup to fall onto his tan coat. “Now what is it that you want?” he asked taking a bite from his sandwich having crumbs to pile onto the greasy black come over called a mane. “My friend here was wondering if he could have a…” the rest of it crackpot whispered into the stallions left ear.  He raised an eye brow and nodded his head.

“I believed that can be arranged” the earth pony said clapping his hooves “gorgy, get boxes AB and BD!” Gorgy the unicorn used his magic to lift two large boxes on to the table separating me and the earth pony. I opened the boxes to find a Thompson sub-machine gun, Caliber .45 (I prefer to call it the Tommy gun) and a pile of ammunition. “Thank you, sir. What do you want me to do for you?” I asked laying the band of the gun along my neck to keep me from holding it with one hand. “Not now, but a favor will be asked of you at a later date” he stated continuing his meal.

As I wrapped my hand around the door handle crackpot’s boss yelled “Wait I almost forgot!” he tossed three pouches too us. Crackpot looked into them and showed me that they were filled with gold bits. Appreciating the gifts I opened the door and walked up the stairs. “Now what?” crackpot asked as we crossed the wide, dirt, trail. “Now I want you to go to six ponies; rarity, applejack, fluttershy, pinky pie, and twilight sparkle and tell them to meet me at the canterlot castle” I said shoving the gold bits and ammunition into my pockets.

He agreed to do it by giving me a brofist. Well, I guess it should be considered a brohoof. Before he left I asked “what is the best way to canterlot?” He said to take the train south off ponyvile. I walked for an hour until I saw the train stop in front of the station.

I walked up to the ticket keeper and asked for one ticket. She pushed a button and a golden ticket popped out of a dispenser in front of me. Taking it I walked to the back side door and handed the pony conductor the ticket. I took a seat I the back right chair. I watched as the ponies’ stair at me and try to keep their distance from the one armed freak.

The train started up with white smoke coming from the engine. An hour and thirty minutes passed and I watched as the green grass turned to a white sheet of frozen crystals. The train passed through a giant purple bubble as it entered the city. The train came to a stop and I stepped off. I looked around and saw no pony in the streets.

I walked around the city, still seeing no pony, until I reached the castle. There I saw guards surrounding the castle edges. I came to a halt as the guards pointed their spears in my direction. As a guard, in more colorful armor, yelled “STOP!” the guards lowered their weapons. The colorful guard walked down the steps in front of me and took off his helmet revealing that it was that bastard shining armor.

Holding his hoof out he asked “how have you been doing?” I grabbed his hoof, shook it, and said “ I've been better” gesturing to my dismemberment. “Yeah, twily told us what happened and the princesses were wondering how you were.” He said motioning his head telling me to follow him. “I bet they were” I mumbled following him to a giant door. He took me to the throne room and there the princesses sat on their chairs.

“Hello, troy, it is nice to see you again” celestia said placing her cup of tea down. “Don’t bullshit me princess. I know what your plan was when you sent me out to the changelings!” I yelled with fire in my voice and rage in my eyes. “What do you mean?” she asked standing from her seat. “You know. Why else would you transform me into a pony, were I had the slightest idea how to operate it. And I could have been killed before I would have a chance to get in a thousand miles of the fortress” I stated. “TIS A LIE!” Luna shouted “OUR SISTER WOULD NEVER ONPURPESLY HARM SOMEPONY!”

“Well, whatever she had in mind it cost me my arm. And now I want revenge” I said staring into the eyes of the white bitch. “You expect to cut off my leg?” celestia asked. “No. I expect to get help from you” I said hearing the door open. I turned to see a pink alicorn with a purple, violate, and gold striped mane. “Hello honey” she said kissing shining on the cheek and was for some reason shocked to see me.