The Adventures of Billybob the Butt Bandit

There once was a booty so great and so phat, that any and all who beheld it wished only to tap dat. 'Twas no ordinary booty, this ass was cash, over the possession of this treasure, many nations did clash. Only one soul, a heart of pure funkaliciousness, can tame the mighty beast and give it the business.

Billybob read over the text once more before returning the scrap of paper to his hat and placing it upon his head. It had been so long ago, he thought, since his mother had entrusted him with the paper said to tell of The Great Booty. As a Butt Bandit, it was his mission and his mission alone to seek The Great Booty and give it "the business."

"How long, Larry? How long must we search these plains in hope of one day finding that which we seek?" asked Billybob so sexaliously, that the very gods themselves would explode - which they did.

"I am unsure, Billybob. Oh, how I am unsure."

"Well, seeing as you are a giant bottle of lubricant, I would assume that you would be unsure by default, seeing as you also have no brain." It was true. Larry the Lubricant had no brain, for he was only what his name implied: lube. Billybob was unsure of just what manner of black magic allowed him to speak, but as long as he had a portable supply of endless lube, what was there to think about?

The land stretching out before seemed as barren as their pants, not a brothel to be seen; dirt, tumbleweeds, and cacti serving as their only company.

"So...where to today, Billybob?"

The man in question dusted off his Confederate army coat and felt at his long, swagly beard. "Hmm. Perhaps we should investigate that blue swirling vortex over yonder that seems to be absorbing everything near it."

Larry looked doubtful. "I ain't to sure about that, sir. It's just another portal."

"Portals aren't as commonplace as they used to be, Larry." It was then that an idea popped into Billybob's sexy and brilliant mind. What could be on the other side of that portal? Could it be The Great Booty? Would his decision advance the plot of the story? He pondered and pondered and pondered some more.

"Billybob, we got trouble!"

His companion's voice snapped the Butt Bandit from his trance, causing him to turn and look at the desperadoes approaching on a pair of jackasses. Billybob was not necessarily afraid of the approaching humans; he could easily take them out with his massive, throbbing, frighteningly long whip. What he was nervous about, though, were the asses the men rode. Such majestic creatures, he thought. Their bodies like normal horses and their faces like that of a man's ass. Such beauty and grace. Hopefully they have not been trained to kill with anything but kindness.

"Howdy, Billybob," shouted one of the men as their asses came to a stop, "we heard 'bout you and yer lookin' fer The Great Booty. That true?"

Before Larry the Lubricant could say that it wasn't true like a bitch, Billybob chuckled a sexy chuckle. "Indeed it is, you infidels. What do you recon on doing about it?"

The other ass-mounted man drew his pistol and pointed it at Billybob's gorgeous hat. "I recon I'll put a hole in that of yers before I put a hole in yer friend."

"Billybob, let's not get into this right now. Let's just-"

"Fill your hands you sons of  bitches!" With that, Billybob drew his own pistol and, as quick as a minuteman, fired twice, once at each attacker. For a moment, there was only silence, the sound of gunfire echoing through the plains. Then, both men fell from their asses onto the dusty ground, a used condom on each of their faces.

"N-nice shot, as always," said Larry.

"I know," replied Billybob, holstering his weapon, "my trusty Magnum XXL ain't ever let me down." He tipped his hat at the two slain asshats and turned to Larry only to find the blue vortex had swallowed his friend. A great howling bellowed from the blue behemoth before him, pulling everything around him into itself. He only smirked. "Looks like I'll have to find out where this goes whether I want to or not." With that, the force of the vortex sucked the sexy beast inside, turning his world to darkness.

Light. Faint at first, then slowly overtaking the pitch clouding Billybob's vision. Such brilliance...such majesty... he thought to himself, can only belong to one thing...

"Billybob the Butt Bandit!" A voice of cashmere-smooth elegance rang in Billybob's ears. From the newly-colored void, a figure stepped forward into his field of view. The mere sight of her beauty brought him to his knees; her wafting stardust mane and tail contrasted with her surroundings, while her pearl white coat nearly blended in with the space behind her. "I know that which you seek."

"Yes, oh strange ass. I seek-"

"Wait, what?" The creature's tone shifted dramatically from the one Billybob had heard previously. "Wh-what did you call me?"

Returning to his feet, Billybob adjusted his hat in slight irritation. "That is what you are, correct? An ass? You certainly look the part except for the whole talking thing."

The presumed-ass brought a gilded hoof to her muzzle. Why must they always be so difficult? "Okay, let's try again," -she regained placed her hoof back on the invisible ground - "I am Princes Celestia, ruler of the land of Equestria. From what I've been informed, you seek The Great Booty, yes?"

Billybob struck a sexy pose, his entire being radiating pure swagly swagger. "Indeed I do, Princess Ass-without-an-ass-for-a-face. I'm sure you're as delighted to see me as every other ass in the universe."

"I..." Celestia's eye twitched. Delighted is the *last** word I'd use right now.* However, looking upon the human before her, she sighed. He may be... unpleasant to be with, but that's what you were told to expect, right? After all, he is our only hope. Summoning every sliver of patience remaining in her, Celestia spoke again. "Now, the reason I brought you here is because -"

"You posses The Great Booty! That has to be it!"

Before Celestia could respond or react, Billybob had her hoisted in the air by her plot, his gloved hands grasping at her plump, squeezable cheeks. Holding the ass of the ass higher, he brought the heavenly skin to his (face) cheek, humming quizzically as he studied the properties of the butt cheeks against him. Knocking the posterior a few times, he observed the jiggle and sound created.

While Billybob deliberated if he had found The Great Booty, Celestia deliberated whether or not she should strike down the human where he stood. Deciding it wouldn't be in the best of judgement, she reluctantly decided against it.

"Are...are you quite done?" Celestia asked, her face burning crimson. She was answered when Billybob released her booty from his grasp, causing her to fall to the figurative floor.

"I am... it is not The Great Booty," said Billybob solemnly, looking off in a dramatic fashion as to gain the sympathy of the reader.

"See here!" snapped Celestia, still flustered from being a subject of study. Oh, that was a bit much. Tone it back a bit, even if he doesn't deserve it. She took a deep, ragged breath before continuing. "Look, I need you to come to my land and stop an evil force that threatens my subjects' very existence. You're the only one that can help. Will you?"

"Hmm, I don't know," the human snickered, "what's in it for me?"

"If you assist me, I will show you where The Great Booty is located. Deal?"

"Deal!"

"Good... now if you could just look off over there for a minute." She pointed behind Billybob.

He complied, turning to find that he was still looking into an endless white plain. "I don't see anyth -" He was interrupted by a pair of hooves hitting him square in the ass, sending him flying. Instead of hitting any sort of ground, he kept falling, falling without cease.

Looking after the human, Celestia let out an aggravated huff. "If he's our last hope... we're so screwed."

"I'm going out for a bit, Spike. Don't burn the tree down while I'm gone," Twilight called into the doorway of the library.

"No promises," replied her dragon slave assistant.

With a giggle, Twilight took her leave. "Hmm, now let's see," she said to herself, thinking over what she would have to accomplish that day. Looking up to the sky, she saw that it was, yet again, another stereotypically wonderful day in the land of Equestria; her mentor's sun held its place in the sky, the birds chirped like annoying bitches, and the squirrels continued to wage their drug wars. "Yep... another great day... as usual."

Before Twilight looked back to the ground, a glint of something in the air caught her eye: a small grey dot, growing in size. She squinted, trying to get a better look at the gradually-growing object.

"Wait, that's not a dot... it's a thingy!" she exclaimed despite nopony having the energy to acknowledge her ramblings yet - it was too early for that headache, after all.

Before Twilight knew what hit her, the "thingy" hit her with the force of a man who had been ass-kicked out of the sky by a princess. When the dust cleared, she tried to get up only to find something buried in her plot. Upon looking back, she saw the face of a strange creature stuck in her butt checks.

"Oh no! Oh dear! Don't worry, thingy! I'll get you out!"

Regaining consciousness, Billybob found his gorgeous face encompassed by something also gorgeous but not quite as gorgeous: an ass.

Let the adventure begin, he thought.