The Adventures of Billybob the Butt Bandit

Twilight ran about the streets of Ponyville, flailing her flippity floppity arms like one of those super sexy inflatable tube people. "Help! I've got a thingy in my plot! Get it out!"

As Twilight passed by Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie looked out at her friend, still not fully awake and holding a gallon jug of black coffee. "Ugh. Goddammit, Twilight, not now," she groaned, "It's too early for this." The next thing she knew, Twilight burst through the wall of her shop and began wreaking havoc on the interior. "So... it's gonna be one of those days, huh?" Preparing for whatever else may be thrown at her in the next five minutes, she grabbed another gallon jug of coffee and downed both at the same time - followed by a pitcher of espresso, just in time for Twilight to exit through a separate section of wall.

While Twilight was mimicking the dance of the enslaved inflatable people, all Billybob could do was remain trapped in the purple bootylicious booty. Every stone, every woodland creature, and every drunk pony lying on the ground seemed to have some sort of target lock on his crotch as he was drug by the ass's ass. Every impact against him left him less likely to carry on the Butt Bandit legacy through means of reproduction. The pain may have been a minor factor, but the whole legacy thing was more of an issue.

"Wait a minute," said Twilight, coming to a screeching halt. This action, however, ended up dislodging the thingy from her butt and flinging him into the air. Not aware that her plot was now vacant, she brought a hoof to her chin to ponder how one could remove a thingy from their plot. Let's see... how did Shining Armor do it? He's had more thingies in his plot than any pony I know, but if I could just remember what he told me...

Meanwhile, Billybob was falling from the sky to his inevitable death. Broken alcohol bottles, spikes, flames, a drunk flaming thorny tiger, and an ogre dotted his landing zone. Why such things existed in Ponyville, the author will never tell you.

"Well, I guess this is it. Goodbye cruel world!" Raising a middle finger to the air, Billybob continued, "You always managed to piss me off!"

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash was conveniently flying in the direction of Billybob. Due to her lack of concentration skills (ADHD), she didn't realize that there was a thingy falling from the sky in front of her.

"And then I said, 'Liquor? I hardly know her,'" she said to herself, desperately wishing she had someone else to talk to. Oh, how she wished she had a friend to talk to...

"Hey Rainbow Dash!" Twilight shouted to her flying friend.

Oh, how Rainbow Dash wished she had a friend to talk to. Just ignore her, Rainbow. You're not ready for that yet, today.

"Rainbow Dash! Hey! Hey Rainbow Dash, hey! Watch out for the falling thingy!"

"Goddammit, Twilight, not now. You can tell me all about your thingy problems later. Preferably after I've taken my pills. I me-" she was cut off when she collided with a grey-coated thingy in mid air. Both she and the thingy came crashing into the ground on Twilight's butt which bounced them into the assortment of sharp and painful objects whose origin the author will not explain.

After an uneventful cleanup of the hazardous hazards, Rainbow Dash turned to the creature she collided with. "What's your problem, man? You can't just fall out of the sky like that! There's a designated day for that, ya know!"

"Oh really? Well it just so happens that I also have a designated day for my activities - namely ass kicking," replied the thingy, despite his name actually being Billybob the Butt Bandit unbeknownst to the ponies. After checking his wrist watch, he continued. "Oh look, that day happens to be today." Pulling out his Magnum XXL, he pointed the barrel between the presumed ass's eyes. "Say your prayers, ya flying ass!"

With reflexes like a spaz, Rainbow Dash grabbed hold of Twilight and shielded herself with her, pointing her friend's horn at the thingy. "Get back! I'm not afraid to use this thing!"

"Enough!" Twilight shouted, flailing her limbs like she did only paragraphs before. Unlike the previous times she took on the attributes of tube person, the others listened. "Okay. Now, before you both go trigger happy on each other, let's take a moment to think: will killing really help you figure out just what the hell is going on right now?"

There was a brief pause before both Rainbow Dash and the thingy replied simultaneously: "Maybe."

Twilight facehooved. "I - okay." She turned to the bipedal creature. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

In a super swagly manner, he readjusted his hat. "The name's Billybob the Butt Bandit. I'm surprised that you both were unaware of who I am until now."

"Never heard of you. You from around here?"

"No, actually. I came from the sky where some white ass with a real bitchy attitude kicked me off a cloud," Billybob replied, attempting to mask that his ego had been trampled by not being recognized.

"Hmm. Rarity can't fly and Rainbow Dash isn't white, so I'm assuming the culprit was Princess Celestia. Is that fair to say?"

Billybob looked astonished. "Well I'll be. You're pretty smart for an ass. I shall name you Smart Ass." He patted Twilight on the head. Though he didn't notice, Twilight was not pleased.

"Another thing: we're not asses. We're ponies."

"I mean, we have asses, but that doesn't mean that we are our asses," Rainbow Dash added.

Billybob huffed. "Ah, tomato, tomaho, potato, potahto, Candy Ass."

"C-Candy ass?"

"Yes. Your bright colors in the butt area remind me of wonderful sugary goodness, therefore, you shall be Candy Ass." He patted Rainbow Dash's head much like he had Twilight's.

This guy's really getting on my nerves, Twilight thought. Although, something about him just seems... right. Is this the one Celestia has chosen to save us from the Great Stereotypically Powerful Evil?

"As a matter of fact, yes!" shouted Celestia from the clouds. "I know he may be a bit... well, to be blunt, a dick - and maybe just a bit moist - but he's all we have to defeat the Great Stereotypically Powerful Evil."

Before Twilight answered back, a thought came to her. "Wait, how did you know I was thinking that? Are... are you able to read my thoughts?"

Celestia did not answer, for she had taken her leave to do princess-y things that a princess-y princess would do in a princessly manner of princessliness.

"Boy, Bitch Ass sure is a strange one."

"Hey, can you not?" asked Rainbow Dash, attempting to exemplify her lesbian intimidation and reasoning skills. This, however, provided no end to Billybob since he knew not what a lesbian was.

"Nah, I'm afraid that I shall and continue, Candy Ass."

Rainbow Dash, as usual, was going to exemplify her talents in bitching, when she caught sight of Billybob not-so-discretely eyeing her nether region. "Um... can I help you, dude?"

"Oh, yeah, no, just checking to see if you possessed The Great Booty."

Giving this thought, Rainbow Dash pointlessly pondered. What was The Great Booty? It wasn't like she could look back a chapter in the fanfiction she was a part of and discover for herself. Could she be the one to posses such an epic-sounding thing?

"Do I have a great booty?" she asked curiously, blushing a bit in a cliched, cute manner.

"What booty?" Billybob replied.

This oversight of the power of her derriere proved so upsetting to Rainbow Dash that she did nothing but stand there. When Twilight asked if she was okay, she said she was fine all while continuing to not be fine. Quite the vicious cycle.

Noticing a tear rolling down Rainbow's cheek like a boss, Billybob froze. "Wait a minute... are you crying?"

"N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-noooooooooooooooo..." she whimpered, clearly crying.

"There's no crying... there's no crying in baseball!" said Billybob, obviously quoting A League of Their Own for no reason other than to quote A League of Their Own in an only semi-applicable scene because, as we all know, none of the characters play baseball in this fic. I should know - I'm writing this shit.

Suddenly, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie appeared because who needs transitions?

"Goodness me dahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhling, what ever is with all the ruckus?" asked Rarity, minutely adjusting her hair despite it looking no different than any other time she adjusted it in the time it took to write this sentence.

"Rarity, I swear to god - not Celestia, god - if you say anything about the ravenous lesbian sex we had last night messin' up yer hair, my accent will only get stronger and stronger to the point where nobody'll be able to read anything I say." With the abbreviation of certain words, the reader could tell Applejack was speaking.

"W-well... w-why did nobody give me the memo?" Fluttershy whispered so quietly that everyone could hear her, but decided to ignore her.

"Fluttershy, I'm afraid I don't have time for memos, the ravenous lesbian sex I had last night with Applejack messed up my hair in a way no common pony would notice. I must remedy the situation."

"Ah fer Pete sake, Rarity! Now ain't the tahm fer y'all tuh tell them 'bout our love makin'!"

Confused by the spectacle unfolding before him, Billybob leaned over and whispered to Twilight: "What's with Hard Ass over there? Why'd her accent get stronger?"

"She's allergic to bitching. She resets to her regular voice every night, but she can only take so much bitching in a day, and with Rarity around, we're lucky we were able to get that sentence out of her."

Despite the mass of dialogue with little action, Pinkie Pie decided to give her two cents. "I'm sorry guys. I can't do this today - you're going to have to have this adventure without me. Not even all that caffeine was enough to help me deal with Twilight and these other assholes. You guys have fun... I'm going back to bed." With that, a sleepy-eyed Pinkie teleported home, leaving the mane si - I mean, five to await the next chapter when they'll finally figure out what the hell is going on.

"Wait, why can't you do that now?" Billybob asked the sky.

The only sounds to be heard was the breathing of the rag-tag team, the typing of a computer, and Rainbow "Candy Ass" Dash crying despite this being baseball (where there is no crying).