The Adventures of Billybob the Butt Bandit

"So... does anyone know what the hell is going on?" Billybob asked the posse of ponies before him. From the looks he received, they knew about as much as he did or the poor sap who was reading this. Offended by the cheap shot, the reader grew skeptical of whether to keep reading. After realizing they had nothing better to do other than fantasize about plundering the very plots now within Billybob's reach, they decided against rage-quitting. Moving onward through this thingy, the reader thought, is the only thing I have left. Given that the majority were bronies, this was probably true.

"Wait a minute," Twilight interjected, "what's a 'bro-knee'?"

Celestia's voice echoed in her mind: It's best that none of you know. Trust me. Why do you think I have seventeen locks on my door and windows.

Suddenly, Luna's voice also came into Twilight's head: They climin' in yo window, snatchin' yo ponies up. Try'na inappropriately touch'em so y'all need ta hide yo childs, hide yo mares -

Luna, what are you doing in here? Celestia's voice asked, irritated by her sister's gangsterly swag.

I just thought I'd drop by since you were having telepathic phone sex with Twilight. Why don't you ever invite me to these things, anymore?

Okay, both of you need to leave, please, thought Twilight.

Did somepony say telepathic phone sex? asked Cadence's voice, adding another member to the supposed sex party.

Why do you three always insist on having these conversations in my mind? Can't you just talk in a place that isn't my head?

Oh, but where's the fun in that? asked Discord, slithering his noddle-y self into the conversation like a snake-shaped noodle... or a noodle-shaped snake, I don't know.

"Ah!" Twilight screamed out loud, "all of you get the flippy flock out of my brain!" Opening her eyes, she noticed her friends staring at her, most likely wondering why they haven't had her checked out by the local witch doctor.

"Anyway..." Billybob said after an uncomfortably long silence, "maybe we should try to, I don't know, figure out just what the hell is going on. I mean, it says so in the title of the chapter, we may as well get to it."

"Billybob is correct," stated Celestia, appearing next to the group of confused asses and dick.

"Oh hey, it's Bitch Ass!" Billybob took Celestia's hoof and gave her a gangersterlicious handshake. It was gangsterlicious. It was "G" to the "A" to the "N, G, S, T, E, R", and ain't no other dude got as much funky swagness as that handshake he gave... um... har.

Celestia chuckled nervously, both from the sheer power of gangsterness contained in Billybob's greeting and the fact that her hoof now smelled like a water-based lubricant. Not that she hadn't smelled it before, given her thousands of years of kinky, sexy stuff, but perhaps it was because she hadn't expected to be exposed to such a substance without her Sex-Wings™, courtesy of Flaccid Fish Incorporated™™©. With that piece of shameless advertising taken care of, she could now keep Equestria's dangerously unstable economy afloat for the rest of the day. "I would prefer if you would not refer to me as that, please," she said calmly, trying to mask the irritation still lingering from her last encounter with the strange man.

Pondering this, Billybob "hmmed" annoyingly. Then, as if the author told him to think of it, an idea came to him. "You seem to be taller than all of the other asses, so how about I call you Big Mama," he said, extensively emphasizing the word "big".

"Close enough," Celestia responded with a sigh.

She does that a lot.

"No I don't."

Don't listen to her, she kind of does.

Angrily glaring to the sky, Celestia raised her middle finger. "Some day, author... some day." Realizing that she was losing the attention of her underlings, she cleared her throat and tried again without sighing. "Sorry about that. Anyway, I assume you all wish to know why this human is here and why he is unlike the... other humans that have come before." She cringed thinking of the Great War fought against the hordes and hordes of mouth-breathing, fedora-clad, unshaven, euphoric marauders that captured half of the country's population and took them to the distant mountain caves. None of the captured citizens have ever been seen again, but it is assumed that they are all at least mildly uncomfortable and crusty; for what reason, Celestia rejoiced in that fact that she did not know.

Celesia's horn glowed a faint yellow, and with it, came a telescope appearing out of thin air. "Look," she said, "over there, towards the Crystal Empire."

Billybob looked through the glass, and the sight he saw took his very breath away. There, in the hoof of a very stylish black unicorn wearing a sombrero, lay a tray of tacos. Such taco-y tacos he had never seen before in all his days. Tacos fit for a swaglord as swagly as himself.

"That is King Sombrero, the Mexican Crystal King. Isn't he horrible?"

Billybob looked up from the telescope. "King who, now? All I saw were tacos."

Summoning the power of the flailing-arm people, Celestia groaned. "So he already has possession of the Tacos of Doom. Wonderful..." She appeared as though she were about to go off on an uninteresting tangent, but she restrained herself and sighed (See? There it is, again!). "He's already retaken the Crystal Empire and, given that he now has the Tacos of Doom, it may not be long before he and his ass ninjas launch a raid on Canterlot."

"Ass ninjas?" asked Twilight, puzzled. She approached the telescope and, upon looking through, wished that she hadn't. Surrounding King Sombrero were several asses with legs clad in black latex suits. "Oh lordy! How did he get asses with legs on his side?"

Before Celestia could explain, Billybob interrupted and stole her thunder. "Because he possesses the Great Booty."

"And because of this," Celestia added, "we must stop him at all costs. He has already used up a living bottle of lubricant to strengthen his army, but soon he-"

"Living bottle of lubricant?!" exclaimed Billybob dramatically. As quick as your father in bed, he looked through the telescope once more. Behind King Sombrero's throne and his ass ninjas, there stood Larry the Lubricant, nailed to a dildo shaped like a lower-case "t". At the mention of such a letter, the jimmies of an entire people rustled softly throughout the land; the Lower-case letter tribe had been angered.

"Larry the Lubricant, I..." Billybob faltered. He fell back on his sexy ass and internally mourned the loss of his friend and only source of intimacy-oriented liquids. "He was my... my f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-friend and stuff... I need a hug!"

Fluttershy, being the kindest of the bunch, trotted over and embraced the weird western guy.

"Don't touch me!" Billybob grabbed Fluttershy by the butt and chucked her at Celestia, knocking her over. "Hey, nice catch, Big Mama." Once again, he heavily emphasized the "big" part. Don't ask; maybe Celestia just had big tits or something, I don't know.

"I certainly do not have big tits!" Realizing her less-than-private admittance of not being well endowed in the mammary department, Celestia blushed. "S-sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me, today."

It's okay, Princess," Twilight said with a nervous smile, doubting the sanity of her mentor more than usual, "we get the gist. You want us to go to the Crystal Empire, vanquish King Sombrero, kick his ass ninja's asses, take his crystal meth - I mean, dispose of his crystal meth by giving it to you, and regain the Great Booty. Yes?"

"That is correct, my student," replied Celestia. "You and your friedns go there and I'll see to it that this man is returned to his ho-"

"No!" roared a smexy dude named Billybob that you already know. "I will not leave... not yet. They used up Larry the Lubricant, and for that, I cannot rest until that Mexican king guy is also used up." He drew several used condoms from the front of his pants and loaded his Magnum XXL. "Mess with the best, you die like the rest!"

"Um... did you, um... steal that from, um... Duke Nukem?" asked Fluttershy, using "um" many more times than is necessary.

Billybob knelt down and leaned in towards Fluttershy, his swagly mustache only an inch away from her virgin pony mouth lips. "No," he whispered sexily, "he stole it from me."

Fluttershy squeed, because she does that. A nervous sweat trickled down her forehead, her (face) cheeks flushed, and she looked away from Billybob who was still most likely invading her personal space. An epicly awkward silence fell over the group - Billybob still only an inch away from making out with Fluttershy and the pony in question hoping that he would and wouldn't make out with her at the same time.

"Anyway," said Billybob, standing up and patting Fluttershy on the snout, "shall we depart?"

"Not yet," Celestia replied before disappearing with a technological-sounding bweep. In her place a few seconds later, Spike appeared, the same sound heralding his arrival. A red, Rambo-style headband adorned his head and a mini M60 machine gun sat in his claw-hand-things.

"Let's kick some ass!" he said in a totally badass way.

Rarity swooned and fainted onto Applejack. I guess she was bisexual. If you're looking for answers, I don't have them, buddy. I'm sorry.

Suddenly, a thought came to Billybob. "Wait a minute! If we're going up against ass ninjas, we'll need more than a little kickass dragon, some asses with jewelry, and a sexy man as powerful as myself. We'll need - " he paused for dramatic effect " - a Booty Warrior."

Twilight's eyes widened. "Did you say a Booty Woarrior?"

"That is indeed what I said, Smart Ass. A Booty Warrior."

"I know exactly where we can find one, y'all," said Applejack.

Twilight's eyes widened again, nearly about to fall out of her head. "You don't mean..."

"Oh ah mean, sugartit." Applejack pointed towards the train station that was conveniently next to where they were all standing. "To Appleloosa! Away!"