Chapters Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter and those things da 'umies ride
"Come on, ya git! We'z need to get to da mekz new kroozer if we'z going to get off da planet!" Gorgutz whacked 'Ucky in the back of the head as they ran (or in Gorgutz's case, smashed) their way through the dense jungles of Kaurava II.
Those pathetic humies had just trashed Gorgutz's main base in the Kaurava system, with the warp storm gone and the humie space blockade around Kaurava II, any regular ork ship would be blasted into scrap metal- hence Gorgutz and 'Ucky, the only Ork to survive all three of Lorn V, Kronous and Kaurava, were now running through the jungles trying to escape the chasing Guardsmen.
'Ucky turned and fired a burst from his slugga into the dense undergrowth behind them. "Iz this da right way, Boss?"
"I say itz da right way, so itz da right way ya git! Itz my kustom kroozer, Iz it not?"
"Itz your kustom kroozer, Boss."
"Good. Keep runin' ya grot! We'z almost there!"
The two orks burst out of the undergrowth to find Gorgutz's 'kustom kroozer' sitting in the middle of a large forest clearing.
The 'kroozer' was based on a Tau Manta dropship but, as with anything captured by the orks, was thoroughly 'orkified'.
In this case, that would normally mean painting the entire ship red in the Ork tradition that 'Red onez go fastah' but since the ship was already painted red, they skipped that stage out. The Meks would also normally bolt on more weaponry than Gorgutz could shake his pointy stikk at, but they settled for bolting a Earthshaker cannon stolen from a Baslisk under the Grots cockpit.
The Meks only other alteration other than the glyph panels that covered every ork vehicle was a massive 'Kustom Warp Drive' fitted in the tank bay which resulted in a mass of jets cobbled together from battle cannon barrels, promethium pipes, and generally anything circular and metal the Meks could fit in and connect to the massive warp drive behind it.
The ramp to the craft was already extended so Gorgutz raced up the ramp into the Manta's upper deck, 'Ucky trailing behind.
"Oi, Boss, you want us to fly outta here or wot?" One of the grot 'pilots' shouted from the six-grot cockpit.
"Step on it ya git! Get uz outta 'ere!" Gorgutz yelled back as he sat his cybernetic rig into the command throne.
The grot pilot began to unsteadily pilot the ungainly Manta from the clearing as the ramp folded back into the Manta's hull as a few Stormboyz rocketed in through the closing hatch.
"Sweet ride Boss!" One shouted to Gorgutz over the din of the engines. "Mind if we fit ourselves out wit dem Tau dakkas?"
"Get da Tau dakkas and stick em together. Two barrels of dakka is better than one, and fit da dakkaifiers as well. Ma boyz ain't gonna be runin' 'round with plinky Tau weapons that make no propa dakka sound!"
"Alrought Boss. We'z alzo stole some of dem Tau flying spy suits. Mind if me an da boyz improve da armour and da rockets?"
"No. Pass me some of dem Tau dakkas."
The Stormboy threw a pulse rifle across the room which Gorgutz caught in his power klaw. "Hmmmm...." He smashed the pulse rifle into the middle of the power klaw and through sheer orky know-how made a pulse klaw. He twitched the klaw and a stream of pulse rifle fire shot into the wall.
He grinned at his new weapon. "Grotz! Get dem Tau shoulder padz and use em like shieldz. Get some o dem Tau shootaz as well. Stormboyz..."
Gorgutz turned to find the Stormboyz had already cobbled together a suit of orkified Tau armour, complete with mangled helmet, red paint job and proper orkified Tau pulse rifle. "Since we'z not got enough orks for a good an propa waaagh, we'z goin to go to da a-lo starz where dere'z good fightin so we'z can get more orks for a propa waaagh! Grots, get us off dis here planet!"
"Alrought Boss!" The rear doors closed fully as the Manta broke through the outer atmosphere and into the blackness of space.
The grot grinned as he pressed the large red button that would cause the 'kustom' warp drive to jump the ship into the warp.
Grots, however, are not the most reliable of pilots in the galaxy, and therefore he simply hit the switch without bothering to check where he would send the ship.
The ship made the translation to warp space smoothly, being a Tau ship, but from there everything went crazy.
The ship, rather than skimming the warp like a Tau ship or plowing straight through the middle like a Ork ship, instead ended up plying a zig-zag pattern through the warp, going from the shallows into the middle before returning back to the shallows.
The Grots lost concretion, and let the ship drift aimlessly.
That was when the ships emergency systems kicked in. The Tau had, annoyingly, decided that ships had a set length of time they should remain in the Warp for, and after this, the inbuilt systems would forcibly remove the ship from the warp.
Gorgutz was wrenched from sleep by the sound of the Manta entering atmosphere. "Grotz! Pilot this here metal slab down somewhere we'z not all gonna die at!"
The Grot pilot, and every other ork on board, was woken by Gorgutz's angry bellow as the grots scrambled to not crash Gorgutz's ship and the ensuring deaths that would ensue.
The Grots, in their panic, decided in true orky fashion, to hit every button that was not on the weapons panel.
The warp drive cut out, slowing the ship down.
The air brakes raised, slowing the ship down further.
The ships computer took over the controls and prepared to land the ship.
And the rear doors opened, the winds that formed in the upper deck snapping Gorgutz's pointy stikk clean off.
"No!!! My pointy stikk! My collection of headz!" Gorgutz yelled into the wind. "Put the kroozer down, I'm goin after ma pointy stikk!"
The 'pointy stikk' plummeted away from the Manta, blown by the winds over the Everfree forest. It came to rest, impaling itself into a gap in a slab of stone in a long-ruined castle.
Twilight and the others stared at the 'pointy stikk' wondering what trick Nightmare was trying to play this time.
Unbeknownst to them, Nightmare Moon stared down from her own perch at the 'pointy stikk'.
Shrugging it off, she began to teleport the Elements of Harmony away in a cloud of night as Twilight leaped for them as she saw them vanish.
Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter and those things da 'umies ride
The group of ponies stared at the spike. It was long, and had many strange objects impaled along its length, in various states of decay.
Pinkie was bouncing around it like it was a maypole while the others just stood back in confusion.
"What is it anyway?" Rainbow Dash asked while she circled the spike and narrowly avoided crashing into Pinkie. It was the same size as any of them, had a brown haft and many red, blood-like stains along its length. Rainbow swooped in, turning one of the objects, revealing Indrick Boreale's face locked in a eternal 'NO'
"Urgh!" She recoiled at the sight of the slightly rotted head. She moved on down to the next one and rotated it, showing a rotted head with a metal box smashed into its forehead.
"What slightly sick horror is this? Twilight, you're smart, you should know what this is. Twilight?" Rainbow flipped back to look down at the others. "Gals, any of you seen Twilight?"
The four ponies looked at each other with confused looks.
"She was here only a second ago..." Fluttershy whispered.
Nightmare's laugh echoed throughout into the castle.
"Well, that solves where Twilight's at. Let's go save Twilight!" Rainbow shouted, flying off towards where the laugh had come from.
"But what about that horrendous spike?" Rarity asked.
"The spike can wait, friends can't." Applejack shouted back as she and Pinkie ran into the tower.
"I'm going to regret this later..." Rarity raced into the tower after them.
"Well... If everypony else is going in, I might as well..." Fluttershy glided in after Rarity.
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"Alright ya Grotz! Turn ma kroozer round an head for da place dat seems orkiest!" Gorgutz bellowed into the gretchin-filled cockpit of the Manta.
"Er, Boss?" 'Ucky asked from inside his Criork armour. Made from various bits of Crisis battlesuit and regular Tau armour, he had the chest plate from a battlesuit, the greaves were from Fire Warrior armour and he had the back of a Tau helm mashed with metal bars to the back of a Tau helmet so it could fit over the ork's massive head. It also had the jet pack from a battlesuit, like Gorgutz's cyber-harness now had. The Stormboyz were similarly equipped, with Fire Warrior chest armour in place of the battlesuits.
"How'z we goin' to tell how Orky somethin' is?"
"Shut it ya git! I know how Orky somethin is, and I'll go after da Orkiest spot around. It's dat Waaagh feelin."
"Oh." 'Ucky nodded in understanding.
"Oi, Boss! Deres some fancy lightshow up ahead! Come un see!"
"Ya better not be wastin my time ya filthy grot..." Gorgutz raised himself out of his 'Kommand throne' and poked his head down into the Manta's cockpit.
"There Boss." The grot pointed to a ruined looking tower that reminded Gorgutz of some of those worlds where the humans were almost as good as orks at choppin'. Of course, no one was better at choppin' than orks.
Soon enough, bright light suddenly exploded from the top of the tower.
"Alright. Boyz-" Gorgutz turned away from the cockpit and back towards his Stormboyz. "we'z got a lightshow up ahead, and lightshowz means fightin'. And probably ma pointy stikk. So, ere's da plan. You, you-" Gorgutz jabbed a power claw at the two orks closest to him "-and 'Ucky will go lookin for ma pointy stikk and and heads that you can find lying around. Da Grotz will drop be an da other boyz at da lightshow afta we blow a hole through the wall with da dakkas. Got it, ya gitz?"
The orks nodded and otherwise acknowledged in various ways either by bashing weapons together or shooting them into the Manta's armour plated walls.
"Grotz, open da doors!"
The rear doors opened, flooding the Manta with cold night air and the smell of warp sorcery.
"Move, ya gitz!" 'Ucky yelled at his two wingboyz as they charged towards the Manta's doors and leaped out, firing their new jet packs as they went.
"Right. Now, ya gitz, form up by da door in a firin' line. And when I tell ya to fire, ya fire. Got it?"
The orks formed up in a close approximation to a Imperial guard firing line in the Manta's rear doors as the ramp began to extend.
"FIRE ya gits!"
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Nightmare Moon could only stare as the Elements of Harmony suddenly appeared before her and began to glow. She would not go down like this, not again...
A low hum filled her ears as a bright light surrounded the elements as they lifted off the floor.
A loud voice bellowed from somewhere outside the tower "FIRE ya gits!"
There was a very loud sound, she couldn't quite describe what to call it so she ended up terming it 'dakka'. The wall to her right exploded in a hail of blue fire and stone, effectively preventing the Elements from striking her now as metal ramp came crashing into her old throne room.
Several, large, green creatures similar to Diamond Dogs in cased in some futuristic looking armour walked down he ramp in a line forming into a semi-circle at the ramps base.
A larger green biped clad in some strange machine-armour, with a claw on its right arm and some strange cylinders in place of its left walked down the ramp after them before stopping about halfway down.
It shouted "Alright, which one of you multicoloured grotz has ma pointy stikk before I dakka y'all to da other side of dis here planet?" while pointing the claw at the Elements and the cylinders at her.
Nightmare Moon frowned. "Sorry, I don't speak barbarian.
Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter and those things da 'umies ride
"I iz da leader of this ere Waaaagh, and I want me pointy stikk back! And me headz!
"By Celestia, what a hideous creature! I have seen fashion disasters in my time but that... That brings the term disaster to a whole new level! I don't think I can look at it any longer..." Rarity turned away from the massive armoured green biped.
"Shut up ya..." Gorgutz searched for the word to escribe the tiny creature ( when compared to him). It obviously wasn't a Humie or Blue Humie, it wasn't a Pasny Eldar or a Spiky Eldar, it wasn't a Spess Mahreen or one of the Chaos Boyz, it was obviously not a Tenticled Blob or Metal Bawx and it wasn't a Grot so that left calling it a...
"Squig. An maybe I won't take dis here Waaaagh to ya home and burn da place to da ground. Afta eatin all ya food and stealin all ya stuff. An killin everything in dat place."
"Squig? Squig? You call me Squig when you are obviously nothing more than some green barbarian who thinks he can do as he pleases? I am a pony , by Celestia. Girls, could we please deal with this walking advertisement for ugliness now before I faint of sheer disgust?"
"Er, Rares, there is the problem of Nightmare over there..." AJ said, slightly annoyed that Rarity could forget about Nightmare Moon.
The green creature looked straight at their group, before it turned to Nightmare. It blinked, before it let out a brutal sounding laugh. "Dis ere's a funny thing. I can't dakka you, you can't dakka da Big Squig, and Big Squig can't dakka me, cuz den da un dat didn't dakka dakka's da un dat did dakka an iz still alive."
"That made no sense at all..." Nightmare began to slowly back towards one of the rooms corners. "What even are you, brute?"
"I iz called Warlord Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter an I iz a Ork!"
"What is a Ork?" Twilight asked, her intrest in whatever the hell this thing was overriding her desire to deal with Nightmare as quickly as possible.
"Orkz is da biggest an da strongest an we'z made fee two things- fightin and winnin!"
Everypony turned to look at the ork with a look of confusion on their faces.
Gorgutz rolled his eyes at the Squigses obvious idiocy at not knowing what he had said. Even a Grot or Tin Kan could understand what he just said, by Mork's left toenail!
Unfortunately, Pinkie came out of the rather intense staring contest she'd been engaged with one of the Stormboyz.
"Hey do you like parties?"
Gorgutz groaned. That one was Grot merged with Squig and the idiot Nob that had been his second in command back on Lorn V.
"Right. Ere's what's gonna happen. Un of you seven iz gonna volunteer to give me ya Ead before I get off dis planet and back to where da real fightin iz at! Afta I'z got ma pointy stikk back az well."
At that point, Ucky and the other Stormboyz who had been dispatched to search for the pointy stikk returned, running into the hall, only for a the purple glow of Twilight's magic to stop them in their charge.
"You want that pointy stick? Do nothing while we deal with Nightmare."
Gorgutz stared at the frozen Orks. He looked to the purple glow on Twilight's horn. He looked to the purple glow surrounding his boyz. He came to one of the best tactical conclusions a ork had ever come to.
"Dakka em up boyz!"
And with that all hell broke loose.
A stream of bullets pierced Twilight's side, fired by Gorgutz. The shield dropped and Ucky threw the pointy stikk like a javelin to Gorgutz who caught it in his power klaw.
Pule rifle fire flew around the room, most of it impacting against the walls or otherwise failing to hit anything.
Nightmare Moon shot out several shards of blue energy at the ork warlord, but Gorgutz's cybernetic frame was too tough to be destroyed by such petty magics.
Pinkie pulled her Party Cannon out of nowhere and blasted several of the Stormboyz off the tower with it.
RD and AJ stared at one another for a second, before they both charged Gorgutz. The Ork grinned, baring his teeth, before he charged in as well.
The combat was one sided, to say the least.
Gorgutz threw Applejack against a wall with one swipe of his power klaw before Rainbow attempted to divebomb him. He smashed the Pegasus on the backswing of his claw before he let out a laugh.
"Iz this all ya got, ya puny gitz?"
"Come face me then, Ork."
Gorgutz turned and found himself staring at the Big Squig.
"You think ya can put up a betta fight?"
Nightmare rolled her eyes. "Obviously."
"Come ave some then. Waaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhh!" And with that Gorgutz leaped into battle.
Nightmare also charged in, the blue glow of magic around her horn. Just as they were about to connect, Nightmare teleported behind Gorgutz and tried to impale the Ork with her horn.
The horn simply shattered on contact with the Ork's armour and Nightmare screamed out in pain.
She got to her feet and as Gorgutz was turning, teleported back a few meters.
"You'll regret that, greenskin."
"You'z think you iz a betta fighta than da biggest, baddest warboss in dis ere planet?"
"You think you can stand against the might of a God?"
"I've faced mudcrabs more fearsome than you, Big Squig!"
"Come at me then!"
Rarity and Pinkie could only watch as the fight of the century began while Fluttershy cowered behind them.
Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter and those things da 'umies ride
Gorgutz placed his pointy stikk back in it's original place on his armour. He knew this Big Squig would at least try to put up a fight, but it's Wierdboyz-like dakka had already proven itself unable to break through the armoured-exoskeleton.
He turned his head to ensure he wasn't back-stabbed by the six smaller Squigs and found they were in no condition to do anything.
The purple wierdboy was lying on the floor, bleeding badly from the bullet holes from Gorgutz's dakka while the cowardly yellow one attempted to stop the bleeding.
Of the two who charged him earlier, the flying one was out cold against the wall to Gorgutz's right while the other one was knocked out against a pile of rubble behind him.
The pink and white ones were watching him.
He would take their heads later, the Big Squig's head would obviously be more impressive looking on his pointy stikk.
"Come on then, Ork."
The ork and alicorn began to circle each other warily.
"I think ya ead will look much betta at da top of ma pointy stikk."
"And I think you would look better as a messy splat on my castle floor."
"An I wish I ad more dakka an boyz right now. Ain't gonna appen, Squig."
"Oh yes it will!"
Nightmare leaped at Gorgutz's exposed face, attempting to smash in the Ork's face with her fore-hooves.
Gorgutz laughed and with surprising speed for something as large as him moved his klaw into the path of the brutal buck. The room echoed with the clang of hoof on metal as the buck dented the klaw slightly.
Gorgutz smashed Nightmare in the face with the kustom shoota mounted on his left arm, smashing her face to the side as he withdrew a few meters to give himself some firing room.
Nightmare shook her head, growling in pain at the bruise the shoota had made on her face.
"I'll get you for this!" She beat her wings, flying back a short way, always facing the ork.
From there, she analysed her options- either go straight in and no doubt be killed or divebomb him until he was defeated.
Deciding on the latter course of action, she flew out of the hall through the long-destroyed ceiling and turned downwards, preparing to charge Gorgutz from above.
Gorgutz watched as the Big Squig flew out of the hall's ceiling. "Damn flyin Squigz..." he muttered to himself, the Stormboyz would only intervene if Ucky forced them to, and Ucky knew that would invoke the wrath of Gorgutz's power klaw.
The Big Squig twisted in midair, turning to face Gorgutz.
The Ork laughed. The Squig was trying this again, was she? Or was it a he? Gorgutz didn't know or care.
He raised his kustom shoota into the sky and aimed it at the Big Squig's wing. "Dat flyin thing won't be flyin no more afta dis..."
The Big Squig began her dive, and Gorgutz let rip into the sky.
Nightmare could feel the air trails and hear the zip of the bullets as the passed worryingly close to her face and wings. She extended her forehooves once again, except this time the ork couldn't possibily raise that metal claw of his to block...
She screamed in pain as a bullet tore right through her left wing, leaving a jagged hole where then should have been feathers. Nightmare folded her wings in, deciding speed and power was better than accuracy.
Gorgutz watched as the Squig folded it's wings in and continued it's dive straight towards him. He raised his claw in a desperate attempt to stop the attack but he was too slow.
Nightmare smashed her hooves into the upper part of Gorgutz's armour, sending the ork sprawling to the ground.
She grinned, this had been the first time she had truly felt alive in centuries.
She raised her forehooves Gorgutz's face as she used her last remaining magic to hold the ork's arms in place.
"You could never stand before me!" Nightmare shouted, gloating in her victory.
"That's where you're wrong, ya stupid Squig."
A high humming sound filled the air as Nightmare turned to Gorgutz's klaw arm, revealing a long barrel jutting out from the klaw pointed squarely at her chest.
The Pulse Gun fired, tearing Nightmare Moon's body to sub-atomic shreds in a matter of moments but leaving the head intact.
Gorgutz tore the head from the neck and rammed the head onto his pointy stikk with a satisfying squelch.
Gorgutz turned and prepared to head for the other Squigs to take their head before a loud, commanding voice called from behind him.
"What is thou doing in our kingdom, brute? Wouldst thou attempt to claim the lives of our ponies? Thou must go through me first."
Gorgutz turned to find a dark blue Big Squig, similar to the other Big Squig, staring down at him, that wierd glowy thing encompassing its horn.
At this point, if Gorgutz was rational, he would have questioned where did this thing come from, what was it doing and the like.
However, Gorgutz was not rational. Instead, he shrugged.
And bellowed out "WAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!" as he charged into battle once again.
There was another Big Squig head just asking to be placed on the pointy stikk.
A bright flash, similar to those produced by the Tau photon grenades, lit up the middle of the hall, revealing yet another Big Squig, this time a blinding white like the snow on Lorn V.
One more Big Squig head for the stikk.
Gorgutz stopped his charge at the first Big Squig and instead shouted to his boyz.
"Oi, ya gitz, take dat Big white Squig down, but leave da 'ead intact ro I'll have all of ya 'eadz for ma stikk!"
The ten Stormboyz and one Nob charged down the Manta's ramp, pleased to be finally getting in on the fighting.
Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter and those things da 'umies ride
"What even are they?" Celestia asked, walking over to the Ork statues. "I've never seen or heard of anything like them."
"It called itself a 'Ork', whatever that is." Twilight answered, still recovering from the magical healing.
"They sure are quick though..." Rainbow Dash added, rubbing her wing with a hoof.
"And strong." Luna walked back over to the group. "Would you please introduce us, sister?"
"Oh, sorry everypony. This is my sister, Princess Luna."
"Sister?" The assembled group of ponies gasped.
"Yes, I am her sister..." Luna whispered, a look of regret coming to her face. "And we regret our past actions against her."
"It's alright Luna, you weren't yourself." Celestia placed a wing protectively over the smaller alicorns back.
"Still, we can't help but feel that we were responsible for thou's actions..."
"We can talk this over, as well as the matter of the statues, once we are back in Canterlot."
A glow engulfed the group and the statues as they were teleported away to Canterlot.
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"Dis day just got a 'ole lot worse..." Gorgutz said, anger evident his his voice. "Trapped like un of dem Spiky Pointy Ears slaves. Least I can still see da enemy..."
The statue was not a comfortable place to be trapped in. You couldn't hear anything, no one could hear you speak, but at least you could watch what went on around your statue.
"I need a plan. And it betta be a good un..."
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Discord was bored.
Very bored.
So bored he almost went sane.
Celestia was very good at keeping Equestria under a iron hoof, he had to admit. It had been a thousand years since his last chance to escape, and Luna's banishment and the order that followed had foiled that attempt.
He sighed, there had been quite a lot of chaos earlier in the day, but it had been too far away for him to amplify so he could free himself.
He could smell the faint wisps of magic that were left over after the Elements had been used, Nightmare Moon had been turned back into Luna then.
Great.
Another chance gone.
Still, somepony would slip.
Then he'd have his revenge.
Or maybe he'd just go on holiday.
He heard the sound of ponies carrying something very heavy, judging by the amount of groaning going on, and soon enough a group of eight ponies carrying two large statues entered the gardens.
What have we here?
The statues had that distinctive white marble covering that just stank of a harmonised creature.
New allies, looking for revenge like myself?
Or just some ornaments that Celestia commissioned to taunt me? I wouldn't put it past her.
He sent a simple message to the statue across from him, praying to the Prince of Madness that there was a reply.
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"Hello."
"Huh, wot?" Gorgutz looked around in confusion, there were no chaos boyz around here.
"Oh, please don't shout, it offends my ears. They are very sensitive."
"Shut yer yap an talk."
"That's what I'm doing right now, isn't it? Anyway, you seem to be a very... Shall we say intresting creature? We could help each other."
"And how'z dat gonna work? I'z trapped in dis ere thing since dat fancy lightshow 'll just stick me back in ere."
"And that's where I help. You can escape easily enough, and then free me. From there, you go steal the Elements, and do whatever you want while I go take over Equestria. The voice yawned.
"Dat... Dat's a good plan. I'z suprised I didn't come up wiz it."
"Oh, just escape, barbarian. And who are you, it never hurts to know who your allies are."
"I'z Warlord Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter, and iz 'elp ya as long as I get da Big Squig eadz."
The voice paused for a second, thinking. "Yes, you can take the head of anypony you wish. Just leave some alive for me?"
"An who iz you?"
"I am Discord, Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony...."
"Great, more chaos boyz...Dis ain't gonna end well."
"What was that?"
"Nothin."
Gorgutz sighed inside the statue, and extended his power klaw's talons, shattering the stone with ease. Cracks began to form across the statues body, before in exploded in a shower of rock.
"It'z good to be outta dere." Gorgutz stretched his arms out. It was about midday, by the Ork's judgement, which ment there'd be plenty of Squigs to kill.
Gorgutz saw Ucky's statue next to him, and not being that keen on leaving without his sidekick, smashed the statue into the ground.
A slightly dazed Ucky got to his feet, holding his choppa and slugga.
"Thanks Boss."
"I ain't gonna leave without anovva Ork, am I?"
"If you could please get me out of here?"
"Fine, Dischord."
Gorgutz rammed into the pedestal which Discord's statue stood on, knocking the statue to the ground and shattering it.
Discord stood, dusted himself off.
"Many thanks. The fancy lightshow things are through that door-" Discord pointed to a small door in the Castle's outer wall. "-to the left, up a staircase to the top floor. From there go left, walk to the third door in that corridor. Not the first or second if you wish to avoid Celestia's throne room and the way to her chambers.
You'll come to a long hallway overlooking these gardens. Go to the end of it, I'll open the doors for you. The fancy lightshow causes will be in a large box. Take whichever ones you want."
Discord vanished a sprinkle of chocolate dusting, leaving the Orks alone.
"Well, let's get goin !" Gorgutz shouted as he led Ucky into the castle.
The two Orks followed Discord's instructions to the letter, silently (for a ork, at least) killing any guards they encountered on their way.
The two found themselves standing in front of the doors, open like Discord had said.
Gorgutz walked up to the box, which was unlocked, and flipped open the lid. He scanned through the 'Elements', as Discord had called them, looking to see if any were 'Orky' enough.
He picked the first one up, a pink thing, and tossed it behind him. "Nope."
The next was a purple diamond, which he clamped around his neck. "Yep."
The third was a orange tomato thing. "Nope." He threw that one out the window with a loud smash.
The fourth was a wierd blue thing, which he just ignored.
The fifth was by far the best. A red lightning bolt. Everyone new that 'da red wunz go fastah' so Gorgutz clamped it around his neck along with the diamond.
The last one was some wierd crown thing, so he slammed it onto Ucky's head.
"Thanks Boss." Ucky muttered, the crown thing was slightly too small for his head so it pinched.
"An now, we run."
The sound of seven familiar voices echoed down the hallway from the open door.
The six Elements and Celestia stopped as Fluttershy knelt down to pick up her Element.
"Why... Why is... Oh." Fluttershy looked up, a suprised expression appearing on her face as she saw the two Orks.
"Ello, Squigs." Gorgutz shouted at them, waving with his power klaw, "Ucky, out da window!"
Gorgutz charged towards one of the hallway's many stained-glass windows, smashing though it with ease with Ucky following close behind.
They forgot they were on the third story.
Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter and those things da 'umies ride
"Why'z did we jump out a window, Boss! We'z all goin to die!" Ucky shouted as he and Gorgutz plummeted from three stories up.
"Shut it ya git! We'z orks and we ain't gonna die just cuz we jumped outta window!" Gorgutz yelled back as they fell past the second floor.
"But..."
"I said shut it!"
Gorgutz slammed into the ground, his cybernetic legs absorbing most of the impact. Ucky wasn't so lucky, narrowly missing being impaled on the spear of a statue.
Gorgutz stood up and hauled Ucky to his feet with his power klaw.
"What we'z gonna do now Boss?" Ucky asked as he stared at the group of seven Squigs at the window.
"Runnin sound good to ya?"
"No, I think not." Discord's voice said from behind them.
"Discord! I should've known you were behind this!" Celestia shouted out from the window. "You'll never get away with this!"
Discord laughed. "Oh, but I shall. I have two-thirds of the Elements-" He motioned to the Element of Honesty which was firmly wrapped around his arm. "-and you are powerless to stop me. We'll lead you on a merry chase round Equestria, Gryphonya, Dragostan, Zebrica,The Shivering Isles, Dunwall and Tartarus and maybe I'll even give you some help along the way..."
"You'll never leave Canterlot! My guards will arrest you, criminal scum!"
As if on cue, two guards came running around the corner, spears ready.
Gorgutz turned lazily and killed them easily with a well-placed burst of dakka.
"Wot ya goin to do now, Discord? I can't do much with only one Ork."
"Oh, there's a way around that." Discord pulled a map out of nowhere and handed it to the ork. "Head north-east of Canterlot until you find a massive wrecked thing. I've always been meaning to do something with it, but I never figured what."
A massive can of red spray paint appeared strapped to Ucky's back.
"And you'll be needing that. Now, I'm off to have a bit of fun, if you'll excuse me." Discord snapped his fingers and he vanished.
Ucky scratched his head. "What we'z gonna do now Boss?"
Gorgutz picked up the map his his klaw before saying "Runin, ya git. We'z gonna go get more boyz and more dakka."
With that, Gorgutz lumbered off in the direction the map had pointed, Ucky running alongside him while Celestia and the Mane Six stared on in a mixture if disbelief and horror.
And although there may be cliffs in the way, when has terrain stopped a ork?
================================================
"What are we going to do now, Princess?" Twilight asked as she stared out the window at the rapidly retreating orks. "We can only defeat them with the Elements, and they have them..."
"I don't know, Twilight. But Discord wants entertainment, and those orks want... Something."
"Can't we just go beat them up? I could take em." Rainbow Dash suggested as she mimed hitting them with her hooves , forgetting she'd been utterly annihilated by Gorgutz back in Nightmare's castle.
"I'm afraid we can't win this battle with brute force, Rainbow Dash. The orks are simply too strong. Instead we must win through guile."
"Here's the plan..."
=============
"Can't ya slow down Boss?" Ucky panted as they ran through a forest similar to those on the Green Coast back on Kronus.
"Run fastah ya git, or paint ya armour red!"
"I'm runin as fast as I can Boss!"
"Wait! We'z there!" Gorgutz shouted as they skidded to a halt in front of a cave mouth.
"But deres nothin ere Boss."
"It's in da cave, ya Squig-Ead. Move!"
Gorgutz shoved Ucky forwards as they began to walk into the caves.
The tunnel was at least wide enough for several Leman Russ battle tanks to fit through and high enough too but it still stank of the highly-distinctive smell of leaking petrol and metal.
After a few minutes of walking, the two orks found themselves looking over a huge cavern, dominated by a towering but rust-stained metal object.
"Is dat... A humie ship?" Ucky asked.
Gorgutz simply nodded.
Gorgutz sprinted across the cavern towards the humie ship, walking around it while looking for a way inside.
After a few minutes of searching, Gorgutz eventually found, and promptly destroyed, a lone bulkhead that led into a hanger bay that ran the length of the ship.
After seeing what was inside, the only thing Gorgutz could say was "Well dats da dakka sorted."
A hundred Baneblades, still pristine despite the wear and tear on the ship around them, layed idle in the hanger painted in the greens of the 252nd Kauravan Regiment.
"Boss, where are we goin to get da boyz to ork dese tanks?"
"I'll sort dat out lata. Just paint these tanks red, Ucky. Den we'z go find more boyz or otha allies like dat Discord fella. Is Ead will make a nice addition to ma pointy stikk next to da eads of da big blu Squig and da otha big Squig."
"Yer gonna take dat Ead of his as well?"
Gorgutz rolled his eyes. "Well am I gonna put his foot on ma pointy stikk instead? I took Crull's Ead, dat Blud Reheven's Ead, Sturm's Ead, Talldeer's Ead and dat Tau commanda's Ead. Discord can't be dat ard, can he?"
"But ya never got da Necrons Ead, did ya Boss?"
"Discord ain't a walkin piece of machinery. I'll take his Ead good an propa."
Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter and those things da 'umies ride
"Now dis is da only way to dakka!" Gorgutz shouted from the Baneblade's cupola as the super-heavy tank smashed it's way out of the cave, Ucky at the controls and doing his best to run as much stuff over as possible.
"Err.. Boss?" Ucky shouted from the driver's seat, his voice faint through the tank's thick armour.
"Wot iz it ya git?"
"We'z gonna need more boyz for dose other Behnbladez, won't we?"
"Hmm..." Gorgutz paused, locked in deep thought for a few seconds, which usually meant the ork doing the thinking was either planning how to win a fight or acquire more dakka.
"I 'spose we will. Let's get back to dat tower place in dis forest, dere'll be more boyz waitin'."
"How do ya know dat Boss? Dere were no otha boyz dere 'cept dose cowardly grots an dey'z run away!"
"Shut it ya git! Dere'll be more boyz dere cuz I say dere will! Ya got it?"
"Okay Boss, no need ta shout..."
Ucky groaned as he shoved both levers forwards, causing the massive hulk of the Baneblade to rocket forwards through the forest, smashing through any tree unfortunate enough to stand in its way.
The tank continued it's rampage through the forest, turning the centuries-old trees into tinder and shards of wood while Ucky laughed in glee at the carnage.
The tank's rapid and noisy advance did not go unnoticed by the forest's inhabitants, however. More specifically, a irritable green dragon who was having a nap.
Gorgutz blinked as a great gout of flame shot up to the right of the Baneblades current path. "Ucky, take dis Banebalde to where dat firey fink was. Dats either gonna be one good fight or one of dem Humie flamthrowa tanks. I want da first, dis ere planet as bin a right bore. Nothin dat a Grot couldn't kill."
"Jus wot you said, boss." Ucky nodded in agreement as he moved the rusted levers and the Baneblade began to rumble off to the right where the gout of flame had been. "Nothin dat a Grot couldn't kill."
=========================================================
It took only a few minutes of log crushing to reach where the gout of flame has sprung from, and Gorgutz smiled beneath his Iron Jaw once he saw what had caused it.
The Baneblade sat at the edge of a clearing, which was dominated by a cave entrance. And outside that cave was something that could finally give Gorgutz the fight he so desperately needed right now.
It was a great green reptilian monstrosity; it's body was almost as large as the Baneblade, and two wings were fanned out behind it like great banners. It eyed the Baneblade cautiously, not wanting to make the first move quite yet against this new prey.
Orks hadn't yet mastered the concept of sizing up targets, however.
"Ucky! One shell, and blast dis Winged Squiggoth to da otha side of dis ere planet! Let's see wot dis humie Tank's made of!"
Ucky sighed. Sometimes the Warboss did get over eager, but no Ork could fault that. They lived for fightin and winnin, nothing more, nothing less.
He began to move the heavy round into the breech while Gorgutz shouted taunts ranging from 'Yer motha was a Squig, and ya fatha smelt of grot dung!' to 'Dat massive 'Ead of yours is goin to look nice an good on ma pointy stikk while the dragon looked on in idle amusement.
"Ucky! Where's dat shell!" Gorgutz yelled, interrupting his flow of insults. "I want dis thing to 'ave a 'ole in its chest da size of ma Kroozer, now!"
"Dis shell is 'eavy, boss."Ucky grunted as he finally finished shoving the round into the breech, before he slammed the firing chamber shut and scrambled across to the gunner's chair.
He looked at the bewildering array of switches and levers in confusion for a few moments as smoke began to rise from the dragon's nostrils. There was only one solution to this problem, in true Orky fashion; hit all the switches.
The Baneblade's weapons roared ind crackled into life as Lascannon shots and Autocannon shells tore through the dragon's chest in a matter of moments before the heavy bolters were added into the barrage of weaponry, turning the dragons throat into a mess of bloody holes as his form slumped to the ground, lifeless.
Gorgutz hauled his massive cybernetic rig out of the Baneblade and waddled off the tank towards the dragon's corpse.
"Now dis..." Gorgutz reached down with his klaw and picked the large head up by the crest. "Is a mighty fine 'Ead. A bit big for da pointy stikk tho..."
Gorgutz looked at the head. He looked at the tank. He looked at the head again.
He walked back towards the tank and impaled the head over one of the lascannons before he moved himself back into the enlarged cupola. "But dis ere tank is ma new 'pointy tank'! Gorgutz announced with glee. "Take dis ere tank to da castle place, den we gatha da boyz, grab dem otha tanks, and stomp dem Squigs good un propa, den we go find more of dem Winged Squiggoths Eads. Dat sound like a good plan to ya, Ucky."
Ucky nodded along as he readjusted the levers that steered the tank. "Dat's a good plan boss, dat's one good plan."
Gorgutz smiled as the Banebalde began to move off in what he hoped was the direction of the castle. If not, well, he had a super-heavy tank and a Ork Nob.
Which, judging from the rather meagre fighting ability show by the ponies, was quite possibily the most formidible fighting force on the planet according to Gorgutz.
Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter and those things da 'umies ride
More 'eads for da pointy stikk!
Gorgutz clanked his power klaw's talons together as he and the 'Big Blu' Squig circled each other. She appeared to be focusing on the most recent addition to his collection of heads.
"What pony's head is that, pray tell?"
"Dis one?" Gorgutz pointed to the head of the 'Black' Big Squig. There were too many Big Squigs, there was the 'Dakka Practice' Big Squig as well. He had to cull the herd.
"Yes, that one."
"Dis un? Dis un was da Ead of da Big Black Squig dat I dakkaed till it was dead good un propa. Not dat good a fight, eitha."
Big Blu's eyes narrowed. "What did thou do...."
"I chopped its little orn off, smashed it in da face, an blew da side of its body out. Den you showed up. Hopefully ya offa a betta fight than dat un."
"There..." Big Blu began to circle around Gorgutz, eyes darting around looking for a weakness in the ork's defences. "There are no words to describe what thou hast done to incur our wrath upon thee... So we shall let our actions do the talking! "
Luna shot a magical laser out from her horn, intent on turning the Ork's face into a pile of mush. Gorgutz raised his klaw, reflecting the blast into the ceiling.
"Dat all ya got?"
"Thou underestimates us."
A blue cloud covered Gorgutz's eyes, blinding him.
"Now dats cheating..."
"Thou shouldst know there are no rules in war." The Big Blu's voice whispered in Gorgutz's ear. He lashed out to his right, smashing his klaw into the wall.
"Dere are no rules in da Waaaaaagh, so play with dis!" Gorgutz's kustom shoota blasted away, chewing chunks out of the castle walls. A pained scream came from his left and the blue mist vanished from his eyes.
The Big Blu Squig was in the process of getting to its hooves, blood leaking from its front leg. Gorgutz charged.
The Big Blu Squig raised its head and it's eyes widened as it saw Gorgutz charging at it.
Gorgutz slammed into a blue wall that had appeared in front of the wounded Squig while it recovered. He needed to get rid of its 'orn before it pulled any more fancy tricks.
Luna panted from the strain of maintaining the shield. This Ork was nothing but a pillaging, burning monster and he had to be stopped. He was, however, a highly capable fighter.
She glanced over to the other side of the room, where Celestia was being circled by a large group of orks.
Gorgutz noticed the switch in attention, and launched another wave of attacks at the barrier, shattering it.
Luna turned her attention back to the Ork, revealing that it had broken through her barrier. She pushed herself to the left with her wings, dodging out of the path of the charge.
"Thou art quick for a creature of such size..."
"An you need to speak in somethin otha dan Old Humie!"
Gorgutz spun round and unleashed a storm of dakka back at the Big Blu Squig, this was getting to be a better fight than the last one.
Luna cried out in pain as the bullets shredded her outstretched wings, her mobility was no longer a advantage. It had come down to sheer brute force judging by the earlier ineffectiveness of her magic.
The blinding trick usually only worked once, unfortunately.
Gorgutz grinned, showing his teef as he saw the ruined state of Big Blu's wings. He was going to knock this one out (or kill it- it didn't matter to him) so he could get its Ead after dealing with the 'Dakka Practice' Squig.
"Thou will regret thy thy actions now..." Luna rasied her head, horn glowing. She couldn't harm the monster with her magic, but she could augment her own abilities.
Her whole body filled with magically-enhanced strength and toughness, Luna charged.
Gorgutz blinked as Big Blu charged, few creatures other than Red Kans and Tenticled things charged a Ork.
Gorgutz sidestepped out of the charge before hooking his power klaw under Big Blu's belly as she came to a stop and throwing her behind him at a wall.
He turned, revealing Big Blu's mostly intact form lying at the bottom of the wall below a window.
"Un down, un to go..." He muttered to himself as he walked over towards the other fight.
====================================================================
Things hadn't been going as well for the Orks in the other fight.
"Boss, we'z gettin shot up!" One of the Stormboyz shouted from behind a pile of rubble before a beam of magic impaled itself through the back of the Orks head.
"I'z can see dat ya git!" Ucky shouted at the dead ork. Orks should be out and charging, not hiding like the Tau. He looked around, making a note of the boyz that were left. Only six Stormboyz and himself had survived so far under the barrage of magic, and they needed some inspiration desperately...
Ucky leaped onto the top of the pile and, pointing forwards with his axe, shouted "WAAAAAAAAAGH!" before he charged off towards the 'Dakka Practice' Squig, hoping the Stormboyz were following.
A roar of pain as one of the magical bolts struck home confirmed that some of the Stormboyz were following in his charge.
He dived at the Dakka Practice Squig, trying to hack 'dat dakka thing' off with his axe before a wall of force threw him to the other side of the room as he skidded to a halt in front of Gorgutz.
"Get up ya git! We'z got a good an propa fight to win ere!" Gorgutz kicked the fallen Nob.
Ucky got back to his feet and saw the results of his charge. The bodies of fallen Stormboyz littered the floor, and the Dakka Practice Squig had probabaly gone to help the Little Squigs.
"Oi! Get back ere an fight, ya cowardz!" Gorgutz bellowed as two Stormboyz flew into the Manta. There was a Grot's scream as the ramp began to close.
"They're stealin ma kroozer!"
Gorgutz and Ucky charged towards the rapidly closing ramp before the ship lifted off, leaving Gorgutz and Ucky behind.
Gorgutz shot a stream of dakka into the Warp Drive, and after a series of small explosions, the Warp Drive detonated, scattering pieces of the Manta across the forest.
"How'z we gonna get outta dis un, Boss?"
"Taktikal Genius."
================================================
Celestia rushed over to Twilight's limp form, while Rarity and Pinkie cried and Fluttershy tried to stem the tide of blood.
"How is she?"
"Not good Princess, I can only do so much..." Fluttershy whispered, almost in tears. "Twilight will be alright, won't she?"
"I hope so, for all our sakes... Can you move out of the way, I have some experience with healing magic but I won't be able to fight after this. It is very tiring."
Fluttershy moved out of Celestia's way, leaving the Princess to fix Twilight.
"This is going to be difficult..." Celestia whispered to herself. Her horn glowed as she scanned through Twilight's body, looking for the bullets.
"There you are..." The bullets had embedded themselves just above Twilight's left thigh, leaving several gaping holes in their entry point which was just below her spine on her right flank.
A faint yellow glow came from the entry points as Celestia tried to lift the bullets out. She could faintly feel them moving as her magic patched up the path the bullets had left, and after a while the bullets finally popped out and the magic closed the wounds.
Celestia huffed, it had been a long time since she had had to do magic on such a large scale.
Rainbow and Applejack wandered over from their sides of the room, both slightly dazed while Luna was still lying by the wall, out cold.
"Alright girls, here's what we're going to do..."
=========================================
Ucky and Gorgutz stood in the centre of the rubble-filled room, back to back as their eyes darted around, looking for any sign of movement.
A bolt of yellow energy struck the wall behind them as a bright light appeared from over the ridge.
"It's dat fancy lightshow of theirs again..." Ucky muttered.
"An we'z gonna charge it." Gorgutz finished.
Ucky shrugged. "You'z da boss."
The two Orks charged forwards, cresting a pile of rubble before they were suddenly caught in magical bands.
"Not dis again..." Gorgutz said to himself.
A rainbow of light hit the two orks and they felt themselves begin to become unmovable as the stone crept up their bodies. Soon the process was complete, the two orks turned completely to stone.
"Good job, Elements, now let's take these Orks back to Canterlot where they can be put on display."
None of them heard the faint sound of stone crumbling away as Gorgutz began to open his klaw.
They would go to this 'Canterlot', steal these 'Elements' and take the heads of the Big Squigs.
Inside his statue, Gorgutz smiled. There might even be more Big Squigs to take the heads of!