And Did Those Feet, in Ancient Time

“Hey Graham, wake up!”

Graham yawned, and then opened his eyes to see Charlie now standing between the rows of seats. The train had stopped moving and the carriage was empty, save for the two humans.

“Why’d you let me sleep in one of these tiny chairs? My neck feels like shit,” he groaned in place of a greeting.

“Just stop complaining and come see this,” Charlie urged him with enthusiasm.

Graham shivered as he stepped out of the carriage, then informed Charlie of the cold.

“It’s because it’s early in the morning,” he replied evenly, “Also, we’re on a mountain.”

Charlie led Graham to the back of the train, and crossed to the other side of the track.

Graham turned and saw a waterfall cascading from the top of the mountain, spilling pure, crystal clear water across the rocks and ridges, landing in a small lake next to the railroad track. The lake diverted into numerous small rivers and creeks, the largest of which flowed in front of the city, creating a natural moat. The river was topped by a wooden drawbridge, which lay flat across the water, inviting entrance to a city comprised of majestic, royal buildings with golden spires.

“This,” Charlie announced grandly, “Is Canterlot, capital of Equestria and cultural centre of the world we’re currently in.”

“It’s . . . well, it’s stunning,” Graham replied, nearly at a loss for words.

“Are you feeling alright?” Charlie asked with what seems to be genuine concern.

“Yeah, why do you ask?” came the puzzled response.

“You just complimented something. That’s not like you at all,” Charlie said, now smiling.

“Oh you can just sod off,” Graham told him, before looking out to the moat and seeing the six ponies standing there. Twilight raised a hoof to them and Graham raised an arm in response.

“No point in keeping them waiting, I suppose,” Graham said, before heading to the drawbridge.

______________________________________________________________________________

As they were walking through the entrance to the city, the group of six ponies and two humans was approached by three large stallions. The ones on each side wore what appeared to be the Pony equivalent of Lorica Segmentata, coloured gold, with a matching Corinthian helmet, topped off with crests filled with grey fur. The pony in the centre, a white Unicorn, instead wearing purple armour and a dark blue crest, galloped towards the group.

“Twily!” he yelled, taking the purple unicorn under his foreleg and giving her mane an affectionate nuzzle with his face.

“Good to see you too,” she said with a smile, then turned towards the group, “Graham, Charlie, this is Shining Armour, captain of the guard and my BBBFF.”

Graham raised an eyebrow quizzically.

“It means ‘Big Brother Best Friend Forever’,” Twilight and Shining Armour explained simultaneously.

“My men and I,” Shining Armour said, gesturing to the two ponies behind him with his head, “Are going to be taking you to the Royal Palace. Ready to go?”

“Those men have really stern expressions,” Charlie said, slightly nervously.

“That just means they’re good guards,” he said chirpily, “Two of Canterlot’s best, but it does mean they never really smile.”

“Like Beefeaters?” Charlie asked, more to Graham than Shining Armour, “Does that mean I have be like the characters in American films and try and make one of them laugh?”

“Oh don’t do that,” Graham said, “They don’t even post guards at Buckingham Palace gates because of all the bloody tourists trying to get a reaction from them.”

______________________________________________________________________________

The sight of the humans, coupled with an escort from the Captain of the Royal Guard, caused quite a stir among the ponies of Canterlot. Awed expressions and stunned silence followed Graham throughout the town, occasionally broken up by a pony yelling.

“Unbelievable,” one said to himself.

“How exotic,” Graham heard one remark in the tones of received pronunciation.

“Their clothes,” one mare said, “I simply must model my new line on them,” which prompted a frustrated sigh from Rarity.

At one point, Graham was temporarily blinded by the flash of a camera. “Wunderbar!”, he had heard a pony yell, but the photographer had left by the time he regained his vision.

As they walked through the elegant city, Graham turned to Charlie and asked, “What do you notice?”

“Well,” Charlie said, “The design and the whole feel of the place reminds me of Paris a bit. Also, there seems to be far more Unicorns here than Ponyville.”

“Very good,” Twilight said, jumping into the chat, “Ponyville is a recent settlement, populated by the more hardy Earth Ponies. Canterlot, being the site of the Royalty and the oldest city in Equestria, has a larger Unicorn population than most other cities, save maybe Manehattan,” she lectured.

“Manehattan? Really?” Graham asked.

“You’ve heard of Manehattan?” Twilight asked in return.

“I haven’t, but there seem to be lots of Pony cities with names very similar to human ones, like Manechester,” Graham explained.

“That is odd,” Twilight said, then stopped talking, presumably dwelling on what Graham had said.

“We’re here!” Shining Armour called after a few minutes.

The group stood in front of a massive set of marble steps that lead into an enormous castle, from which the tallest of the city’s towers stood, spires flying a banner of purple, a colour which seemed to transcend worlds and still signify royalty. The tallest tower held a lookout point, which Graham wagered would be high enough to see his way back to Ponyville, if not further. Two levels below the highest point, a large telescope protruded from a balcony, the perfect location for stargazing. At this point, Graham’s meditations on the inside of the Palace towers were interrupted by Charlie tapping him on the shoulder.

“What is it?” Graham asked.

“Just a heads up,” Charlie said, “We’re going to be meeting royalty, and we’re the only humans they’ve ever met, so, you know, be respectful and all that. Also, don’t get flustered and rant or something. We’ve got to be diplomats, you know?”

“I’m a diplomat now,” Graham said flatly.

“Well, just don’t make it a repeat of that saloon incident,” Charlie said, before following the guards upstairs.

______________________________________________________________________________

They stood in a grand entrance hall, on fine red carpet embroidered with golden stitching. The walls were decorated with pane glass windows, depicting fantastical scenes, possibly from the folklore of the ponies. Or maybe even from the real history, anything seemed possible here to Graham. At the end of the hall, another marble staircase, which then split into two paths, one left, one right. At the convergence of the stairs stood two large ponies.

Graham followed the guards, who went to the top of the staircase, and bowed their heads.

“Thank you,” said one of the ponies in a smooth, but authoritative tone. She possessed the horn of a unicorn, and the wings of a pegasus. Her fur was of a pure white, and her tri-coloured mane constantly billowed around her. To her left, a slightly smaller, but still imposing pony stood. Her colours were that of the night, complemented by a necklace she wore, bearing the image of a crescent moon.

“I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria, bringer of the sun, and keeper of the day,” she declared grandly.

Charlie stood stiff, apparently too shocked to speak at this moment.

“I am Graham Daniels,” he began with a crooked grin, impersonating her regal tones, “Of the United Kingdom, and I am a purveyor of hardware and other DIY supplies.”

To Graham’s surprise, the Princess laughed, “I prefer not being so formal,” she said, “But you never know with new people, so it’s best to play it safe.”

She motioned to the dark blue pony, also with wings and horn, to speak. She quickly stepped

forward.

“We welcome you, honourable guests, to our domain! We thank thee for thine introduction, and we shall deliver ours! Thou speak to Princess Luna, sentinel of the moon, and guardian of dreams! And thou!” she bellowed; now facing Charlie, “Introduce thyself!”

“Hi, I’m Charlie,” he said timidly, “I teach primary school,” and then, to Graham’s dismay, he began to nervously ramble. “Of course, it makes sense if you haven’t heard of primary school as you’re all very different and even though you speak English it’s American English so I suppose I should say ‘elementary school’ but that still might not help. . .” at this point he seemed to realise he was babbling, stopped, and bowed his head.

“You needn’t be so nervous,” Celestia said reassuringly, “My sister just enjoys taking every opportunity she can to use the Royal Canterlot Voice.”

“It’s true,” Luna said with a sheepish grin.

“Back to matters then,” Celestia said, more primly than earlier, “I’ve watched this land for aeons, but never seen creatures such as you two. Do you know how you arrived, or where your land is?”

Charlie still seemed too stunned to properly converse, so Graham explained.

“The place we’re from, simply put, is another world from this one. Another universe, really. Physics is different, reality itself is different. I have no idea what caused us to be sent here, but it certainly wasn’t intentional. I mean, where we’re from, we have ponies, but they’re not like you are. They’re animals, they can’t speak.”

Celestia paused, thinking it over, then asked, “You said you were from the United Kingdom?”

“Yes,” Graham answered.

“It’s United, so it is also based on harmony and friendship as this land is?”

“Not really,” came the response from Charlie, who started to babble, “The Welsh hate us, the Cornish don’t really like us, Scotland will probably be independent this time next year, and then there’s Northern Ireland, which is just. . .”

“Charlie,” Graham interrupted.

“Yes?” he asked.

“You’re ranting. Shut up,” he calmly instructed.

To his relief, Charlie did indeed shut up at that point, and the Princesses briefly excused themselves to converse. Graham stood there, gazing idly at the plate glass windows, noting the Princesses appearing on one, vanquishing some mythical creature that resembled a dragon meshed with various types of equine.

Moments later, the two returned, and rendered their decision.

“Twilight Sparkle did an extensive study of you two in Ponyville, yes?” inquired Celestia.

“That she did,” Graham responded with a shudder.

“She’s an excellent student,” Celestia said proudly, “I trust she will have useful knowledge of your people. Have her come visit me, and I’ll learn from her. You two can stay in the guest apartment. Shining Armour can show you the way.”

“Thanks,” Graham said.

“Oh, one more thing,” Celestia told, “There will be a banquet tonight, to welcome the two of you. You’ll be meeting leaders from across the world, and they shall know of you. I’ll send someone to inform you when it happens. Until then, enjoy Canterlot!”

Graham and Charlie were taken out of the room by two guards, considerably friendlier than the two stoics who accompanied Shining Armour, and were up a flight of circular steps to an elegantly furnished room, approximately at the midway point up the tower.

“Enjoy it,” one said warmly, “This is the kind of room we give to ambassadors,” then closed the mahogany door.

Graham took a seat on the end of the bed and faced Charlie.

“So,” he said with a smug grin, “What was that you told me earlier? Don’t get flustered and rant?”

______________________________________________________________________________

The next few hours passed slowly, with nothing of consequence happening until late in the afternoon, when Princess Luna entered the apartment.

“Come, I have something to show you,” she instructed, then briskly left, prompting the two to follow.

Together they climbed the steps of the tower, eventually reaching the top, and stood upon a balcony from which they could see all of Canterlot lain out below them.

“This is not the tallest tower in the city,” Luna told them, “From the highest point, you can see the whole land spread out before you. This spot, however, will do fine with what you’re about to see.”

She pointed their attention to the right, to the entrance of the palace. From here they saw Princess Celestia leave the hall, and stand atop the steps. Flapping her wings, she raised herself a few metres into the air, then promptly flew straight up, far too fast for Graham to follow.

“There,” Luna pointed with her hoof, indicating to the heavens above. Celestia now flew through the light cerulean sky, taking on the appearance of a pure white mass, a comet, or a meteor, soaring above, making elegant rolls and turns, before turning towards the sun.

She flew off in the direction of the star, so that Graham had could no longer see her, but turned his focus towards the ground. Across the entire city of Canterlot, a shadow was visible, from a being obstructing the sun. A shadow, a shape the size of a city; Celestia’s silhouette.

At this point, a magnificent burst of white energy spread across the sky, and the sun began to slowly descend.

“She doesn’t normally put on such a show,” Luna said with a smile, “But I felt it appropriate considering our guests. That wasn’t a showy title, she really is in charge of the sun.”

“And you?” Graham asked.

“Soon, it shall be my rotation, and I will raise the moon. No need for more theatrics though,” she answered, still smiling.

“It was. . .incredible,” Charlie said, and Graham nodded in agreement.

“I thank you,” she said politely, and trotted down the steps.

______________________________________________________________________________

Two hours later, and the two had just been seated at the end of a vast table that held at least one hundred seats. They were told they were seated in terms of importance, the far right being most, and the far left being least. They sat to the left of the two Equestrian Princesses, and opposite ambassadors from other nations. Across from Graham was Balozi Pundamilia, ambassador of Zebrabwe, and to his left, opposite Charlie, was the ambassador from the Gryphon’s Republic of Talonia, whose name Graham found impossible to pronounce, and consequently remember. One seat over was Cadence, of the Crystal Empire, followed by various nobility and other such important ponies of the country.

The food had not yet been served, but Graham noticed a knife and fork set out on each side of his plate.

“Why do you have these?” he asked, gesturing towards it.

“They’re decorations,” Celestia explained, “They’re only set out on the most formal occasions, in accordance with old ponylore.”

“We use them all the time where we’re from,” Charlie said with a puzzled expression.

“From what Twilight told me, you humans are from a very strange land, as if the Everfree Forest was the standard.”

“The Everfree Forest?” asked the Gryphon, “At least use examples all of us can understand.”

“Apologies, ambassador,” Celestia said, whilst Luna scowled at the Gryphon, “In the Everfree forest, clouds move on their own, the plants grow freely, and the animals live without the help of more intelligent beings.”

“An odd place indeed,” concurred Balozi.

At this point, the first course was unveiled, which turned out to be a sort of pasta with an assortment of vegetables and even spices added to the mix. The Gryphon ate by picking up talonfulls of pasta or vegetable and scoffing them down, the Zebra by simply diving head first into the bowl, and the Unicorns, of course, by magic.

Graham shrugged, and picked up a fork, twirling it in the bowl and getting a swirl of spaghetti and vegetables, which the Unicorns look at as if it were magic, as opposed to their method of eating with. . . well, magic.

At first the focus of the conversation had been the human world, which Graham and Charlie, who was now more composed than earlier, answered with mild disinterest, having grown accustomed to answering the same set of questions to numerous people at this point.

Eventually, the conversation at this end switched to the Ponies and the Gryphon talking about economics, which left Graham and Charlie with little to discuss to the group. During this conversation though, the Zebra Ambassador motioned that he had an announcement to make.

“In thanking the Princesses for allowing me to be present at this grand feast,” he declared, “I have prepared something for the ambassadors and humans present here today. A drink from my people, called heqet. There is no drink with a taste similar to it, and is only made for the most special of circumstances in Zebrabwe, on account of it being a difficult drink to make, favoured originally by our ancient kings.”

The Zebra looked down the table and nodded, at which point a subservient, younger zebra appeared, carrying a tray of cups towards them.

Graham sniffed his cup when it was handed to him, and came to a remarkable discovery.

“Oh my god!” he whispered to Charlie with frantic glee, “This is beer!”

“Just go easy on it,” Charlie warned.

“Ooh, that’s stronger than what we have,” he said after taking a sip, then proceeded to drink the entire cup anyway.

______________________________________________________________________________

The next few minutes Graham remembered only hazily, but it was his interpretation that Charlie had made a snide remark that he was an unfit representative of humanity, or England. In a response that seemed perfectly acceptable to his now intoxicated mind, he stood up and made an announcement.

“Ponies and Zebras and Gryphons,” he slurred, “In honour of your kindness, and to show my respectability to my homeland,” he then stopped to look spitefully at Charlie, "I would like to sing you a song of my people.”

The equines seated at the hall looked visibly confused, and some coughed uncomfortably, but nobody directly challenged him, and so he began to sing.

And did those feet, in ancient time

Walk upon England’s mountains green:

And was the holy lamb of god

On England’s pleasant pastures seen?

He closed his eyes at this point, and began to sing more loudly.

And did the countenance divine,

Shine forth upon our clouded hills?

And was Jerusalem Builded here,

Amidst these dark Satanic Mills?

As he sang, Graham felt a strange energy swirling around him, a  feeling of movement or change wrapped around him, but he continued to sing, eyes still closed.

Bring me my bow of burning gold;

Bring me my arrows of desire:

Bring me my spear: O clouds unfold!

Bring me my chariot of fire!

He was returning! He felt it, that’s the change; he was going home!

I will not cease from Mental Fight,

Nor shall my Sword sleep in my hand:

‘Till we have built Jerusalem,

In England’s green & pleasant land!

Home! Peckham! London! Rain, Chavs and chip butty! He was thrilled, amazed.

Graham opened his eyes with a grin.

He was standing in the banquet hall of the Canterlot Palace, surrounded by very confused ponies, and one human, quietly shaking his head.

“What was that weird feeling then?” he asked himself, before passing out.

______________________________________________________________________________

When he awakened, he was outside, it was still night, and Charlie was sitting next to him.

“What happened?” he asked feebly.

“Ponies don’t seem to get drunk, at least not from alcohol, and you overdid it with extra-strong Zebra beer,” Charlie said matter-of-factly.

“D’you think that Zebra spiked my drink?”

“No,” Charlie said, then laughed, “How are you feeling now, anyway?”

“Not too bad, I suppose. I’ve had worse hangovers.”

Charlie extended a hand to help lift him off his feet, “Come on,” he said, “Walk it off.”

“This actually is quite a nice place,” Graham reflected as they walked.

“Canterlot Gardens, best in the country, apparently,” Charlie informed him.

“I can believe that,” Graham replied, “So one thing, I can’t quite remember, what did I do exactly?”

Charlie grinned, “If you really want to know, you sang Jerusalem, then passed out.”

“Oh Christ, seriously?

Charlie nodded enthusiastically, but was nice enough to tell Graham he hadn’t made that bad an impression.

“They thanked you for sharing our culture,” he said, still smiling, “Then they just thought you’d taken ill. I had the guards bring you out here for fresh air.”

“Thanks mate,” Graham said, surprisingly without sarcasm.

They stopped talking briefly, and heard the strange but fascinating calls of the nocturnal animals found in and around the gardens. A slight breeze fell through the garden, causing delicate rustles that drew attention towards the trimmed hedges and grandiose trees.

“So,” Graham said eventually, “How did it feel to watch me make a complete arse of myself in front of a bunch of world leaders.”

“I didn’t think you had it in you,” Charlie replied honestly, “But my first thought when you started to sing was, Did somebody say mattress to Mr. Lambert?”, which prompted a laugh from Graham.

Their stroll through the gardens was disrupted soon after, when a Royal Guard approached, and asked them to follow him. They were led into the now empty banquet hall, where three creatures waited for them: Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and a strange animal Graham recognised as the one from the plate glass window of the Palace hall.

“Well, look at you two,” he said, “Actual humans, haven’t seen your type in so long. Ahh, memories.”