Just like heaven
AN: Yes, this mash-up of the original three chapters was completely necessary. Yep, completely and utterly necessary.
(Listen to this)
Okay enough was enough.
“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU PLEASE TURN IT DOWN?!?”
I really can’t believe this guy sometimes. I know a whole 24 hours on the road will drive people crazy and stuff, but to listen to the same song 400 FUCKING TIMES…its just…the song is still going on wasn't it?
“Shut the fuck up! It’s the Cure! Just Like Heaven is their best song! This song is fuckin' ace!”
I can understand my cousin’s grief. If I listened to Anamanaguchi for five hours straight I would lose my mind. But come on, it’s the Cure! Just like Heaven, man! This is a classic! I Can’t help the fact that I hate modern music and have eclectic tastes in music.
“It was ‘ACE’ the first few times, but come on! We've listened to this one song, like, 50 times!”
“Alright, to tell you the truth, for the past two hours I've only been listening to irk you. How about this sir?”
(NOW LISTEN TO THIS)
“GOT ME A MOVIE I WANT YOU TO KNOW! SLICING UP EYEBALLS I WANT YOU TO KNOW!”
Well I guess this is better, but the volume was still a problem, and defiantly not one you want to have driving for the first time.
“I guess this is better, but can you please turn in down-wait I don’t need your permission. THIS IS MY CAR!”
I quickly turned the knob, quieting the song.
“Now it's WAY better.”
“Okay I understand, it was pretty loud, but I've been blowing my brains out with this stuff for years. You have to understand.”
I've been somewhat of a music connoisseur for years. I really got into old punk rock when I was 13. So I have a whole bunch of CD’s that my cousin hates to listen to.
How does he know exactly what songs I hate? Well not hate, but…detest? I don’t know. Whatever, I have a car to drive.
“Hey, where are we?”
“Let me get the map.”
My cousin reaches for the map, tucked in the back of his stupid, hipster pants.
“Let me take a look at this parchment.”
“Stop doing that.”
“Doing what?”
He has a stupid grin on his face. He knows what I’m talking about. But I know how to mess with him.
“Oh nothing, hey you wanna talk about all the great episodes that Scootaloo had this season?”
“Whatever, we’re in Tennessee by the way.”
“Good, we should only have like…ten more hours of having to piss in this bottle.”
“Why can’t we get out again? This seat-belt is cutting off the blood to my legs. I’m gonna be in a wheelchair by the time we get to BroNYCon.”
I thought we’d gone over this when we started.
“Because we need to keep to our schedule if we're gonna see everything.”
“All we’re going for is BroNYCon. We won’t have time, or money to stay for anything else.”
Its true, we both have minimum wage jobs, I'm not having a birthday now because of this trip. It's okay, this is a pretty rad birthday present.
I hate it when he's right. Ah well the conventions gonna rock anyway.
"So we have a plan right? Like we're not just gonna wonder around New York, right?"
He shrugs. "I thought we were just gonna wing it, you know just do whatever there was to do, then get to the hotel."
"Sounds like a plan. NOW FOR ENDLESS DRIVING!"
A couple of hours later we found ourselves in a small town. I noticed a gas station, and pulled in. I looked to my cousin, who had fallen asleep.
"Hay." I shook him a little. He appeared to be having a really good dream. All the more reason to wake him. "Hay, I think this place has a bathroom...that isn't a bottle."
That got e'm. He shot up faster than I had expected, and knocked me out of the car.
"Bathroom? where?" He practically jumped out of my car, and ran into the gas station...with my wallet.
"Hay! Don't spend our money on stupid shit!"
I let out a small sigh, and watched him dash into the store front. Whatever. Gas now, kill Paquito later.
You know what I love about gas stations? Its like a Wal-Mart, but with only the things you want. Its a 1000 square foot utopia of ridiculously sweet candy and sodas, and cheap hot dogs and nachos. I'm a vegetarian though, so its Zero bars, and Arizona green tea for me. but then I noticed they had my favorite beer for really cheap, so I bought like 3 cases. Oh yeah I peed too. I also knocked some fake pony toys off the shelf. Because fuck those. The cashier got kinda mad and told me to leave. I walked outside and reenacted some SubUrbia scenes. My cousin hates when I do stuff like that in public. He looked up from the pump.
"Stop dancing around like a douche. We only have a few more hours till we get to New York, so lets get moving."
He's looking at the cases of beer, I can tell he's not happy.
"Why?"
"I have two very valid reasons. One: it was way cheaper than usual, and two: you drive better drunk."
He slowly brings his hand up to his face, and rubs the bridge of his noose."I've never driven at all, drunk or not. And two: we're in Tennessee. Do you have ANY idea how hardcore these police are? We'd probably get shot as soon we pulled out of this station."
"You've never been to Tennessee, and neither have I. Besides were not getting pulled over. I am not fucking explaining all the pony merch in your car."
"Okay, you have a bit of a point. But that pony merch is partially your fault anyway."
He walks to the car, and sits in the driver side. "Well...just...just get in the damn car."
Too drunk...to form.... coherent thought. Road... blurring. Response time... decreasing. Really, really... bad...idea.
I slumped against the wheel, unable to keep my weight up. I think P' might be fairing better than-
"WHOOOOOO! FUCKING DESTROY EVERYTHING! Yeah fuck you random Cadillac lady, its the fucking Aqua-bats, bitch! Eat my shit!"
Nope.
"D-dude, calm down. I-I gotta drive this...bike...vehicle...thing to...NYC. Gotta...focus."
It was no use. I always thought that driving drunk would be easy (Fuck you GTA), but holy-god was it hard. The road was constantly shaking, never staying in one place, and i don't know if it was just the drunkenness, or the fact that Paquito was yelling and throwing bottles out of the window (should probably stop that, but...meh), but it was really hard to hear anything.
"Paquito, get your ass back in the car!"
"I NEVER LEFT!"
"YOUR HEAD DID!"
Then something happened that sobered me up. I looked into the rear-view mirror, and saw two flashing lights. The worst possibility has happened. We've been caught driving drunk. In Tennessee.
"Shit."
"what?" He pulls himself back in the car just enough to hear me.
"Cops"
He looks at me for a moment, with the traditional glazed-over eyes of someone who's clearly passed his drinking limit, before a grin starts to grow on his face. "MOTHERFUCK THE PIGS!"
My cousin reached over and shoved my foot down on the accelerator making my car lurch forward, and cranked the music up louder.
I shove him away from the driver-side of the car, but not before we've passed the point of simply stopping and explaining our selves to the police. The number of cruisers after us quickly grew. first to two. Then to five. "DUDE WHAT THE HELL?!?"
"FUCK DA POLICE!"
"GODDAMN IT! THIS WOULD HAPPEN THE FIRST TIME I DRIVE!"
Okay, I got this. 14 years of GTA and saint's row have prepped me for just. This. Moment. I pushed the pedal completely to the floor. The engine roared to life, and accelerated us to far past the speed limit. "Okay, if we're gonna do this, we do this my way." I grabbed my(currently insane) cousin by the shirt, and pulled him into the car. "First things first. Seat belt, now."
He laughed in my face. "LIKE THAT'S GONNA MATTER NOW!"
"WELL, IT CAN'T MAKE IT WORSE!"
He pulls the belt across his chest. I can tell he wants nothing more than to throw bottles at the-now small army- of police cruisers chasing us.
"Come on baby, pull through." The engine, upset that I had called it baby so soon in our relationship, started to die, and we quickly lost speed. One of the Police cars got to the side of my car, and the driver stuck his head out to yell at us at us through his window.
"PULL OVER NOW!"
My cousin leaned over and yelled back.
"YOU PULL OVER, SO YOU CAN LICK MY..."
I pushed him back into his seat.
"PLEASE DON'T SHOOT US! WELL ACTUALLY YOU CAN SHOOT HIM, JUST TRY NOT TO HIT ME WHEN YOU DO 'KAY?"
He took my advice to heart, and quickly quickly pulled out a pistol, taking shots at our wheels.
"GODDAMN IT, I SAID PLEASE!"
I tried to duck my head down to avoid getting 'accidentally' shot. Unfortunately, I forgot that I was behind the wheel of a car, and smacked my head directly into it.
"GODDAMN IT!"
In my groggy, drunk, scared half to death state, I let the wheel go. We sped across the highway a battalion of police cars chasing after us. Adrenaline was coursing through our veins as our lives were left in fates hands. My cousin was having the time of his life, he was screaming and punching the windshield. I was losing my shit, as the car was practically driving itself. I tried desperately to gain control of the car, but the alcohol made it feel like the steering wheel was a mile away. My heart pounded as the situation was getting more and more dangerous. The car turned sharply, and screeched as momentum caught up to us. The car flipped front over back, slamming both of us into the ceiling.
"OW! DAMN IT!"
Well here we are, upside down, in a ditch, about to be arrested. So that was a.... success. I mean, we didn't die or anything right. And I don't think cars just explode. Wait whats that smell?
"Dude." My cousin stammers. "There's...smoke, coming from the car."
Shit, I can tell he's worried, and that would explain the smell. Could just be exhaust, but with our luck...I doubt that.
"We-we could legitimately die right now."
The smoke grew thicker, and it was starting to get hard to see him. He was coughing a lot.
"This is a really bad way to go. At least I'll die by my best friend. " P cracks a smile.
There's really only one way for me to respond to that. "Dude...that's seriously the gay-est shit I've ever heard. Queer."
"Fuck you."
The smoke completely blocked out my vision, there was a burning in the back of my throat. The world went dark, and i could barely hear the sound of my harsh breaths. I heard voices coming closer, they wee shouting about getting help, and I wish I could believe them when they said they would. But I knew better. I closed my eyes, and let the darkness surround me.
This is bullshit. I'm dying on the way, to a convention where I would celebrate in fraternity with other fans of an amazing show. Now I'm dying in a ditch, with my whole life ahead of me. There goes college, marriage, kids, fuckin life man. I'm such an idiot. All the opportunities, all the potential, all snuffed out and fading away. I never even wrote a will-not like I had much here anyway. Well, I always said I wasn't planning on living forever. It came sooner than expected though.
****
The first thing I noticed about being dead, was the well…being deadness thing. After that it was the voice that was apparently trying to wake me up.
“Come now, you must get up. This is not the place for you.”
Or at least that’s what I think it said; to be honest it’s kind of hard to pay attention to anything at the moment. The whole ‘being dead’ thing was kind of taking up most of my thinking right now. I’m not sure about possibly pissing this thing off though, so I’ll just…wake up?
“Hello?”
“AH, it finally awakes.”
That voice is different, I don’t know how, but it is. The first had been vaguely female sounding; this one was definitely male…or as close to male as these things can be.
“Uh ya; I awake. So mysterious voices from the sky would you mind telling me exactly what’s happening? Last time I checked, I got wasted. Twice”
A violent rumble shook the darkness, and I was thrown to the floor. The room lit up, and I could see my surroundings. I’m in…a large white room. There’s a couple large, stain glass windows, and there letting in a lot of light. OW! Too much light, should not stare.
“Name.”
“What?”
“Give me your name. Your title, handle, rank. I don’t care just give us Me name for yourself.”
Okay, I get that this guy runs the universe, or what ever, but he's gotta give me a brake. I just died. That should be a good enough reason to be a little out of it. Wait…what if he can read my mind or some shit.”
“I can, and have.”
Damn.
“S-sorry; its just…I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I’m dead. And that I will probably be spending eternity in a blank room, or something. But, uh, yeah. My names Perez.”
“That's...unique.”
Oh no, I’m not going through this again.
“No. Not like him, well I mean it IS spelled the same way, and it is pronounced the same, but it just… isn't the same, okay.”
How the hell do they even know about-.
“We know everything, and everyone.”
“Wait, then why did you need to know my name?”
“Assurance; Like we said we know everything, and sometimes when you know everything, you forget some things.”
“But…that…it…whatever, why am I here?”
There’s a long pause, its almost like…they don’t know why either. And if the creators of everything don’t know then…I don’t want to think about it.
“An experiment.”
WHAT!?!
“You have no idea, how right you were about that room. We should just leave you, alone in this room, to think about all the bad you've done, but… we've gone over every bad thing you've done. There aren't that many. In fact you trying, and failing to outrun your authorities was the worst thing you've ever done, and even then it pales in comparison to what most of your kind does. So we compromised.”
I can’t stop shaking. The most powerful things ever don’t know what to do with me. It’s just like high school all over again!
“W-what's the experiment?”
“Simple…we bring you back, but in a different dimension.”
Okay, this cannot be happening. First I’m dead, and then I met the powers that be, now I get to live. This…IS THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER! Ah man, I wonder were there gonna send me?
“So where’re you gonna send me?”
Another violent rumble shakes the room. The wall look like they’re alive, and are shifting into, what I think is a…well it’s hard to explain. Imagine a big room, covered in blue light, with computer monitors covering all the walls. There are two figures standing behind a large holographic display, which look like big floating spread sheets. They look like they’re calling me over; so I walk to them.
“So you guys must be god or something right? Cause if you are that’s pretty cool.”
I just noticed, but I don’t think they’re actually listening
“Yes we are, and yes we are. But you can really call us whatever you want. Our names have changed in your kind’s eyes so much, we kind of lost track.”
Now the more feminine of the two, looks up from the table. Or it could be the male one, hard to tell really. The only real difference is the voice, and I don’t think he…she…it, is talking. Wait no, its mouth is moving, so it must be talking…shit.
“-and that’s the entire situation.”
Ah, damn.
I rub the back of my head a little, and look at the ground
“Uh…could you, um…-”
“Go over it again, because you weren't listening at all for the last few minutes?”
Mind reading powers…right.
“Yeah sorry, I was just talking to myself again.”
The other one sighs, and slowly shakes its head. “I expected as much from such a simple life form.”
The feminine one turns to the...'less polite' one. I can almost feel the anger seeping out of it. Ah man, I hope they fight! THAT would be kick-ass, and unimaginably dangerous.
“These BEINGS are not simple life forms. They are creative, innovative, cunning-”
“And would be more than happy, to destroy their planet a thousand times over.”
I should probably stop this. I wouldn't want to be partially responsible for rapture now.
“Um, guys? Could you…NOT have a fight right now? You know, until I’m not in this dimension at least?”
They suddenly turn to face me, their non-existent eyes burning into my soul. I stagger back, and fall to my knees, quickly turning from them.
“It was just…a suggestion.”
“No, no your right, we should get this business done with. Okay the answer to your first question is Equestria.”
I’m so glad I didn't get up; I probably would have passed out. Okay just gotta take deep breaths…deep breaths…can’t freak out…can’t…FUCK IT!
I shot up, ran to the nicer of the two gods, and pulled it into a large hug. I lifted it up a bit, and spun.
“THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!”
“Um, your welcome...could you please put me down?”
“Shit, sorry.”
I set it…you know what; I’m calling it a she. So anyway I set her down gently and return my attention to the display. There’s just so much to think about! What will I eat? Will I be an outcast? Will I even speak their language?!?
“Oh you needn't worry about any of that, we are celestial beings after all, so we’ll give you like…five things. How, about that?”
Life, plus free stuff? Heck YEAH!
“Sounds good, so do I get to choose or, are there like pre-set packs or what?”
The other one, the manlier of the two, waved his hand through the display. It…it transformed into a hiker’s backpack. Fucking gods, how do they work?
“Just tell us five things you want, and we’ll give them to you. They can be anything, so choose wisely.”
Hmmm…decisions, decisions. Let’s try something easy.
“See this hoodie I’m wearing?”
he glances down quickly, before staring back up. “Hard not to, it’s awfully…green.”
“Yes, and I would rather not lose it, so can I bring this?”
“The hoodie? We have the ability to shape the cosmos, and you want us to give you a plain old hoodie?”
Now he’s laughing…a lot. Like way more than is probably appropriate. Well at least the other one isn't…no…no she’s trying not to laugh, too. A small sigh escapes before I can stop it.
“Okay fine. Have it... make me run faster, or something." I raise an eyebrow at the snickering gods, "Better?”
He stops laughing, and waves his hand at me. I’m kind of being lifted off the floor. My coat shines green…well greener, and all of the holes that it’s accumulated in the past few years repair them selves. The process lasts a minute at the most, and I’m lowered back down.
“There we are; one enhanced hoodie. Four more items left.”
I take a couple of deep breaths. This hoodie is awesome! I feel like I could…I don’t now like jump at shit, or something. Whatever, four more gifts. I should probably make the next few boring survival shit.
“How about some food and supplies? Like a least two days worth. That would get me by till I found a town.”
“Okay.”
Another hand wave, and some granola bars, and water fly into the pack. Ooo…there’s chocolate ones.
“Last one kid, then it’s back to the world of the living.”
Okay…last gift. Gotta think hard about this one. What could I use most of all when I’m in a new world? Immortality? Nah, then I would have to watch all my friends die…if I make any friends that is. Never been one to enjoy the lime-light, and I doubt I could ever get a chance to even attempt casual conversation with any inhabitants if I was the only alien.
But...what if I wasn't the only alien?
“Could I bring someone?”
He looks at me, and cocks his head to one side.
“Well sure, but…would you want to? I mean, you’ll be the only one of your kind in the entire planet. You would be famous, and powerful, the envy of every other creature! Why would you want anything less?”
“Exactly like you said, I would be the center of attention wherever I went. I-I don’t think I could handle that. So like you know, use your magic powers, and bring me a friend….please.”
He shrugged, and motioned me closer to the display. It changes into a window, blocked by clouds.
“So then, who will it be?”
“Is there any rules, or anything?”
The being brings his equivalent of a hand to his equivalent of a chin for a moment, before he looks back at me “No living people. We had enough trouble bringing you here. ”
“Okay, how about the kid who died with me? He was a really good friend.”
“The one that got you killed in the first place?”
I let out a little sigh. “Ya, him.”
He shrugs again, and the window changes. The clouds move away, revealing a glistening cityscape. The building shone in the light, and there was music playing gently in the background. It was a textbook utopia. Just the thing he would have as a heaven.
“Wha-what is this?”
“Your friend’s heaven. Let’s take a look-see.”
(ONE HOUR EARLIER)
Ah man, my head is killing me. Shit am I dead? I-I don’t feel dead, but…why can’t I see? I…feel a light.
My eyes shoot open, I can’t believe my eyes. There’s only one way to describe it. Heaven.
I wake up to the brightest light imaginable, but it doesn't come from the sun. It comes from the buildings. Every single building is dozens of stories high, and gleaming with the most vibrant and pure gems and precious metals. The bible described it as basically a Jerusalem that got El Dorado'd.
Literally millions of people are standing around in white gowns, everyone has a unique crown on based on the things they accomplished in their time on earth. Some people are old and some are young, but you wouldn't be able to tell because they all have the vigor of youth. I also notice there are no children in heaven.
I look for miles and all my doubts are laid down to rest, as all the people mentioned in the bible are present and discussing with new arrivals. There is a giant synagogue in the far distance, with clouds covering the very top where the Creator resides upon. I look down and I’m standing on the most fertile soft ground I have ever seen. Even the dirt has a brighter hue to it.
Animals are there roaming freely and there is no murder of carnivorous nature. I sit down on the ground and try to assess where I am. If you can have a heart attack in heaven, I had one. I see in the distance, Johnny Cash, Charles Darwin, and Ezra, one of my favorite people from the Bible, walk over and sit down by me. Johnny Cash looks at me, and places a hand on my shoulder.
“I know how you feel son. We all decided you should wait a while until you meet your family, so you’re not too overcome with shock. So we decided we'd come talk to you for a while."
Then, he smiled at me, and all I could do was smile back.
(Present time)
"Oh my gosh, o my gosh o my gosh! Mr. Darwin, I’m a huge fan! "
“Calm down my boy! I’m only a man. You are in the presence of one greater than I."
"But I still really want to talk to you!"
"Alright, alright, come over here let’s sit and talk."
Mr. Darwin who I can hardly believe is talking to me is now sitting close enough to touch, with a smile that reflects everything that makes him great. This man, inspired generations of people, created a theory that almost derailed religion. This absolute genius is sitting with me and talking with me. The best part is that there is not time limit for our debate. We literally have an eternity. I always had this fear that heaven would become boring after so long and we would simply run out of things to do. Now I'm not worried about that. If I get to have conversations with people like Charles Darwin then I wouldn't mind living forever!
My views aren't as different as Mr. Darwin’s as I thought. We agree on many things but I had to bring up things like the bombardier beetle and jellyfish. Animals which, should contradict evolution. Of course he gave me reasonable explanations and most of the time he had the answer to my questions. I asked him what life was like on the Galapagos Islands and the criticisms he got for his works. He didn't think people would still believe in it after he became a Christian, but people still did.
"Personally, I don't know how people would still believe in something after its creator stopped believing in it! Not unlike your Proudhon with your Anarchism sir!" He says with a wink.
I’m surprised he knew about it, but at least that answered my question on weather or not people actually watched on people after they've died. Mr. Darwin- who insists I call him Charles- asks me about modern life, and I update him on as much as I can remember.
Of course, I try to filter out the cynical sarcastic pessimism I usually use in my speech. No need to be rude around such a polite and kind gentleman. Talking to Mr. Darwin would be one of the greatest days of my life, if I wasn't dead. He and I go on and on about religion and all the little aspects of Christianity that many people forget. I explain some things in the Apocrypha to him, which brings me infinite bliss. To know that I taught Charles Darwin something. I lose track of time, but I'm not worried. I’m just captivated with every word that comes out of his mouth. Then he explains how origins of species and creationism have a lot of things that answers each others questions. I sit and listen attentively. Heaven is going to be great.
“Excuse me, gents, but would there happen to be a..." He looks down at his palm, and reads something off of what looks like a PDA, "Paquito among you?”
What the? Who’s this guy, and what does he want with me?
“Uh…yeah, right here.”
I waved my hand to get his attention. The man, who I’m guessing is an angel, is wearing a long white trench coat; a fedora is on top of his head. I can’t see his face though, it's hidden by the coat. He sees me, give a small grin, and gestures me to follow him.
“Right this way, young man. There’s someone who needs you.”
Ah man, am I gonna get to talk to GOD!?! That would ROCK! Ah man I better hurry.
We turn down a hallway, and step to a large door. It looks like it might be made out of oak. The angel turns to me. He opens the door for me. Looking through it, I can only see…darkness.
“Hay, is this supposed to be like a portal or-?”
“Sorry for the inconvenience, but this was his wish.”
“Wait, wha-.”
He pushes me through the door, and slams it behind me. Then it all started to fade. It was a blur and then blackness, I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me and then I passed out.
Wow. Did I just ruin Paquito's heaven…man, that actually makes me feel a little bad. I mean, he is mostly responsible for our deaths and all, but still. I hope it doesn't take long for him to forgive me...
“It may take a bit longer than never, but still you got your wish, and you can deal with the consequences.”
“Please stop reading my mind.”
“No.” is all I get back
He walks me over to a circular stone embedded in the floor. Well I say stone, but I guess it could be a podium. I don’t know its just a circular raise in the floor, its glowing blue.
“Come on, come on. We don’t have all night…well of course WE have all eternity, but I assume you want to get back to living.”
I stand on the podium, and the light changes from blue, to green. My visions starting to go out a little, and I can barely hear what they are trying to tell me. Just…gotta…focus.
“-any help from me, because I don’t run anything over there. You’ll be completely on your own. Good luck kid, and May the force be with you.”
Did he just make a Star Wars ref-. The light from the podium got painfully bright, and I had to shut my eyes to make sure they weren't damaged. I felt my hoodie attach its self to my body, and the pack clipped into place. The last thing I heard was a loud roar, and then…I could feel sunlight.
*****
color=cornflowerblue](LISTEN TO THIS)
A canyon…out of literally an entire world to choose from, the two most powerful beings ever…chose a canyon. And they made fun of me for enhancing my hoodie!?! Ah whatever, I’m in Equestria now, so that definitely outweighs the shitty location choice.
Looking around, I’d say I was in…damn. What was the name of that canyon that Dash had that race in? Creepy canyon…monstrous mountain…Ghastly gorge! Yeah that’s it; I’m in Ghastly Gorge, which… doesn't help me feel better actually. I remember those quarry eels. I’m going to try not to run into any. But I have to be moving in order to run into anything, so I’ll go…left.
I only made it when a shocking revelation hit me. I have absolutely NO idea where I’m going. I, in one of my MANY feats of brilliance, forgot to ask for a goddamn map.
“Fuck my life! Stuck in a canyon, only two ways to go, and I’m still lost. Ah well I guess this gives me a reason to look through my shit.”
I dump the contents of my pack on the floor. There was about three bottles of water, a couple of granola bars of various flavors, and…a note?
“What the hell?”
I unwrap the small square of paper. The words written on it seem to glow. The note says:
‘Hey kid, you forgot a map. I should really just let you wonder that canyon you’re in for making such a stupid mistake, but Delilah(my Boss, and your only reason for living) would get prissy, so I’m letting you off easy with a warning. But remember that this is absolutely THE last time we can help you. Also I noticed the lack of weaponry, or any other form of self-protection, so I got that covered too. One for you, and one for your friend, and don’t forget: your here on business. Don't do anything stupid.’
-Argyle
“Wow, even when he helps he sounds like a dick.”
I crumple up the note, and throw it away. Turning my attention back to the supplies on the floor, I notice the syringe. It’s filled with a greenish liquid, which appears to have the same consistency of syrup. Of course the only thing I noticed was how big it was! I don’t know where he wanted me to inject myself, but holy shit this thing is at least four or five inches long. I pick it up, and it…whirs?
“Eye, or hand?”
It’s talking. The syringe…it’s talking…to me. ...You know what? I don't even care anymore.
“Um, excuse me?”
“Where will you choose to have your map projected?”
“Which one hurts more?” Clearly the most important question when having things stuck in you.
“Both are equally painful to all life forms.”
Hmmm, this is actually a hard decision. On one hand having a map built into my eye, would be so far beyond bad-ass that things would just explodewhen I walked by. But on the other hand, I imagine that I’m going to have to inject this thing myself, and the thought of having to look straight at a needle, guided by my hand heading straight for my eye ball would be terrifying, plus I've played Dead Space, so I know how badly shoving a needle into my eye could be. So, hand-held map it is!
“Hand, I choose hand.”
“User input confirmed, adjusting size.”
Oh, that must mean it gets smalle-…nope, it got bigger. Only slightly so, but still. It has to be at least five inches now. Goddamn this is gonna hurt.
I lined the needle as close to the center of my palm as I could; not as easy as you would think with my hands still shaking furiously, and push it into my skin.
It…didn’t hurt that much actually. I mean it was unpleasant, but when are shots ever not. The way Argyle described it though, I honestly though it would be ten times worse.
The flesh of my hand fell of in a single, soggy clump, leaving the bones of my left hand exposed. My fingers contorted, and shifted, breaking, and re-breaking into different positions. My veins, which had been hanging loosely from my skeletal hand, began to solidify, becoming a shade of silver in the process. My bones snapped once more, and returned to their natural state. They to had turned to light shade of silver, slightly shimmering in the sunlight. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, the flesh of my limb slowly, slowly, ever so slowly, began to return. The artificial kin was alabaster white at first, and then it began to darken into a light brown, matching the rest of me.
Or at least, that’s what probably happened. In reality, I’m actually rolling around in a still growing puddle of my own tears. I dropped to my knees, and shut my eyes as soon as my skin fell off, but can you really blame me? But the weird part about the whole thing is that it wasn't the sight of my skin peeling or my bones breaking that got me. It was the sound, that wet, slimy, crunchy, slightly wet…I think I’ll stop now, for the sake of not having to re-live it again.
But Goddamn did that hurt. I don’t think I can even stand right now it hurts so much. But I have to get going. I have no way of telling the time, except for following the sun, but who really learns how to do that anyway? Plus I still don’t know where Paquito ended up at, so that’s even more incentive to hurry up and move. I hope his pocket knife didn't engage when he landed here .
Standing up, I quickly re-pack the supplies. While doing this, I noticed two small, almost pitch black cylinders. If these are the weapons he wants us to use, I not sure if they’re going to help against anything. They only seem to weigh about, five pounds or so, and they’re blunt on both ends. Turning one of them over, I notice that one of the carvings is legible enough to read.
“Aticano? What the hell dose that mean?”
The tube starts shaking violently, and then melts. Like literally just melts. A thick,black, tar-like liquid coats my hand. I try to shake this shit off, but it just STAYS on my hands. Then it does something even weirder. It changes its color, from black, then to darker shades of green. It finally re-solidifies into its original tube shape, only now it’s a dark forest green.
“Okay, so now I have a green useless tube. Because everyone knows that the one thing that dragons, hydras, manticores, and various species of dolphin are afraid of, ARE TUBES! I mean I get that he doesn’t know anything about this universe, or dimension, or whatever, but come on! At least give me a sword or-”
The tube melts again, but quickly re-solidifies itself into a darkly colored short sword.
It…it turned into a sword. Just, up and…I mean…what this is, I don’t even.
I give the emerald sword a few twirls. Its weight seems perfect for me, not to heavy, not to light. But then again what do I know, the only experience I have with any kind of sword, were old light-saber toys. I wonder what else this thing can do.
“Um…crossbow?”
Again, it melts, this time, separating into two different puddles of dark green, before rebuilding itself as a steel finished crossbow.
Sweet that worked! It’s an emerald crossbow now, already strung with a bolt. Hmm that might be a problem, having only one bit of ammunition. I wonder.
I take aim at a nearby tree, and fire. The bolt glows blue, and flies into the tree faster than my eyes can register. Another flash of light, and whadd’ya know, another bolt appears in the old one’s place.
“Oh this…I could get use to. I wonder if my knowledge of game shit will finally help me with something. Um…Oh, I know!" I hold the alien metal in front of me, and speak as clearly as I can. "Hidden blade.”
The crossbow breaks in two, and the lower piece wraps around my right wrist. The other, merges with it, becoming razor sharp, and slinking into its signature hidden state. I flick my wrists a couple of times, shooting the blade out, and back in. It’s just as cool as I thought it would be, man when Paquito sees this…wait a minute.
“SHIT! I still don’t know where he fucking is! Oh, wait map.”
I hold my palm face up, and talk into it. Why? Because everything talks apparently, and I don’t know how to use this thing.
“Um…find Paquito?”
A blue light flickers from the center of my palm. It displays a floating, two-dimensional map of the quarry. I the center is a triangle, which I assume is me, especially since the words ‘you’ are in the middle of it. The map pans down the quarry, and shows a circle, labeled ‘Paquito’. I wonder if that’s where P’ is. Just kidding, I’m not that stupid. Anyway, according to the map, P’s only a few miles to the left. Miles…goddamn it.
“Guess I better get goin’ then. sun’s still high in the sky, so I should have time to find him before it gets dark.”
I re-equip the pack, throwing it over my shoulder, and run. The wind passes me faster than it ever has in my life. The layout of the ground if front of me has a constantly shifting view, as I whiz past. A rock, approximately five-by-five feet in measurement (How did I know that?) is quickly approaching. With a single leap I fly over it, landing with a small roll. This hoodie must have given me super-human levels of agility. Fuck walking, as soon as I’m in town, it’s gonna be parkour, all day, everyday.
After a good thirty minutes of running, rolling, and in one case tripping, and landing face first in the stream that runs through the quarry, I finally reached Paquito’s still unconscious body. He’s slumped on a rock, dangerously close to said stream.
Okay, just gotta wake him up, tell him that…I…dragged him out of his perfect…paradise, and…aw, crap.
I dragged him from the stream, and sat him up. He’s really asleep, but he’s frowning. That’s probably a bad thing. I give him a couple of good shakes, and his eyes slowly start to open.
Ah, my head. I think I died again, or is it born? Whatever, my head just really hurts, and Perez won’t stop shaking me. Wait a minute.
“P-Perez? Dude, I thought we were-”
He stops shaking me, and holds up a hand, cutting me off.
“Dead? Oh, we were. Completely, and utterly dead, but don’t worry, your good ol’ cousin Perez saved you from a boring afterlife of talking to Charles Darwin, or Johnny Cash, or who ever the fuck, and had the powers that be bring us back.”
I stare at him as he puffs out his chest a little, in a classic 'victory' pose. I grab both of his shoulders, and bring him close to my face. “You, WHAT!?!”
Waves of emotions overtake me. Anger, sadness, fear, and just every negative emotion I could muster. Anger, because I just left Heaven, and all my family, as I was just about to talk with some of my most favorite human beings in existence and it’s probably my cuz's fault that I never will be able to. Sadness, because I don’t know if Ill ever be able to see them again, and of course fear, because, and this is a pretty big one, HOW THE FUCK ARE WE IN EQUESTRIA!?! I quickly stand up, pushing my cousin to the floor, with how fast I am.
“You must be joking! I must have hallucinated and we are actually just in some hospital in Tennessee. There’s got to be a logical explanation!”
He chuckles, and stands up, dusting the dirt off of that stupid hoodie that he always wears. He looks at me, still smiling.
“Don’t you think logic kind of went out the window the second I guess the details of your personal heaven? I mean just look around you! Tell me this isn't Equestria."
I couldn't deny it. I had watched the pet episode a dozen times; this was the canyon that Rainbow dash and her slew of possible pets flew through. I stand up, and glare at him with animosity. He might have chosen the perfect place to come back to, but that didn't excuse how cool he was about it.
”Equestria!?!? What the hell! Do you know how hard it is to make it in to heaven? The very fact that I got in when I died drunk is a miracle! As a Christian every waking moment is spent in paranoia worrying that you might be banished for hell for all eternity. I made it somehow, and now I’m dragged here? Why would you bring me here?! What are we doing here?! EXPLAIN!" I grab him by his jacket and yank him close again. He raises his eyebrow a bit, and sighs.
“If it’s really so important, I’ll tell you, but first do you think you could let go of the hoodie? It’s kind of important now.”
I let go, and he takes a few steps back, and dust's off his jacket. He coughs once, then…oh god. He’s trying to use his Morgan Freeman voice to tell the story.
“You see my good friend, after you and I expired in that unfortunate fire; I got a chance to talk with one of the leaders of, at least our own, universe. Argyle was his name, and he pleasant enough. We had quite the exchange, but I’m guessing you just want the main points, yes? Okay, so the main thing they told me is, that because of my atheist, I wouldn't be aloud entrance into heaven.”
I was about to call him out on his atheism, telling him about how I had been right all along, but he must have thought I would bring this up. He holds up both of his hands and, without breaking his impression, adds
“Now before you, say anything, remember that without me not believing, both of us would probably just spend all of eternity permanently happy, a fate I wouldn't give to my worse enemy. So continuing on, I was told that I was going to come here instead, and that I could choose some things to bring with me. Long story short, you were one of those things, because you’re probably my best friend. And that’s basically it…you mad?”
I walk pass him, and stand on the edge of the stream. I kick a couple of rock into the currents. I guess I really can’t be too mad at him; at least the local is good. Well not at the moment of course, we’re still in a desolate canyon. Maybe he was right about the boredom thing. At least I know there won’t be any of that here.
“So…were gonna be here till we die?”
“Most likely.”
“And you’re not sure what version of the MLP universe we got sent to?”
“Oh, not at all.”
I sigh a little, and place my forehead in the palm of my hand. “Well, if we’re gonna do this,”I walk over to him, and extend my arm out, hand balled into a fist, “We’re gonna do this right. Bro-hoof?”
He smiles, and nods, bumping my fist with his.
“ Bro-hoof.”
And with that, we begin our long walk to PonyVille, both of us excited at the though of the journey.
*****
Twilight sparkle was confused. This morning had started out, just like any other, with her checking her to do list. But right when she had gotten to item number twenty-two (re-check the half checked-check list), Pinkie had burst into the library, knocking over several books in the process. When she had finally calmed down the pink maelstrom, she began rapidly yelling at her about her ‘pinkie sense’ was sensing something that was going to be a ‘super-duperly-doozily-doozie’.
“Pinkie please, just try to calm down, and explain to me exactly what you’re talking about.”
The pink mare continued to hop about, completely disregarding Twilight’s request.
“But I already told you Twilight, my pinkie sense is going CRAZY! It’s like that time with the hydra, only waywaywaywaywayWAY worse!”
Seeing that she wasn’t going to get her to stop anytime soon, she figured she might as well try to humor her.
“Pinkie, will you at least tell me where this ‘doozie’-”
“Super-duperly-doozily-doozie.” She interrupted.
“Right, so can you tell me where it’s going to happen?”
Pinkie shook more violently than before, her body seeming to vibrate from how quickly she was hopping up and down.
After about three minutes of this, she suddenly stopped, and tackled Twilight to the ground.
“GHASTLY GORGE, WE NEED TO GO NOW!”
With that she shot off of to said canyon, leaving behind a very confused unicorn.
“She sounded scared Spike; I think I should listen to her this time.”
The young dragon rolled his eyes, and continued staking the books that had been not off of the shelves.
“Then get going then Twilight.”
Twilight was going to respond, but was interrupted by Pinkie, as she burst back into the library, knocking the previously re-stacked books back off.
“Aw come on!” spike exclaimed.
“Sorry Spike.” She apologized. “But I forgot something.” She turned her attention back to Twilight. “We need to bring Fluttershy.”
“Why?” she questioned
“Because the pinkie sense said so!” Pinkie responded.
Twilight sighed, and walked out the door, following Pinkie. As she was leaving she turned back to Spike.
“Bye, Spike. I’ll come back if this turns out to be a wild pinkie chase.”
Spike continued to stake books, and without looking up responded.
“Just go Twilight. Like you said, she sounded scared, so try to be careful.”
Twilight smiled, and turned to try to catch up to the speeding pink blur.
*****
The walk through the canyon was for the most part just talking. We both had are questions, and concerns, ranging from ‘are they going to be humans’ to ‘are they going to kill us’. But after the first hour or so of walking, we had finally sunk to the ultimate low in self-entertainment. Synchronized singing.
“Take, on me!”
“Take, on me”
“Take Me on!”
“Take on me”
“I’ll be gone!”
“In a day or two!”
Okay, I have to stop this before we kill things with our terrible singing.
“ Whelp, that’s enough of that.”
“Agreed.”
We walked in silence for a little longer, before Paquito stopped and looked ahead blankly. What the Hell's wrong with him?
“Dude, you okay?”
He shakes his head, and catches up to me. He puts his arms around the back of his head.
“I just can’t believe that this is happening, I mean do you have ANY idea how many people would kill to be in our position?”
“Over nine thousand?” I grin at him.
He glares back at me and continues.
“We need a plan; script, or a schedule or something. I mean we can’t just waltz in there and be like ‘Y Helo thar pony peoples’ we need an idea of what we’re gonna do.”
He has a point, no need starting a panic as soon as we walk into town. Best to save that for Nightmare Night.
“Okay, what did you have in mind?”
“We need to find Twilight first; out of all of them she could handle the appearance of two alien creatures.”
“Who are armed?”
He raises an eyebrow. Oh shit, did I forget to tell him about the tubes?
“We’re not armed. We’re barely supplied.”
I flick the hidden blade out of its sheath. Its point gleams in the sun, and it’s sliver finish shines. My cousin looks at it with a frown.
“Where did you get that? WHY did you get that? We’re in Equestria, there’s no reason to have weapons at all.”
“But its sooo~ coool~! Check it!”
I shift the tube-or Aticano, as I had learned to call it- into various weapons. My cousin’s jaw hits the floor as my weapon melts and shifts around. After about six, or so changes though I notice something. The tube’s color is starting to return to its original black color, and the shifts take longer, and longer to complete. I better stop, I wouldn't want it to break.
“Cool huh?”
“Yeah, it’s cool I guess, but do you really need it?”
“Oh that’s right, you get one too.”
I pulled the other tube from my pack, and toss it to him. He turns it around in his hands, getting used to the weight or something. I see him squinting at some of the letters on the back.
“Aldous? What does that mean?”
The tube floats out of his palm, and glows teal…teal? I didn't know that’s what his favorite color was. How manly. Any way, the tube now has teal Tron-lines running down it’s side, and…I’m sorry, its just…it would look sooo much cooler if it wasn't teal.
“Teal, really?”
“Shut up, everything you own is green.”
“You're God-damn right.”
“That doesn't make any sense!”
“Neither does…that.”
I…I don’t know what I’m looking at. They look like Quarry eels, but…they’re blue. There’s about four of them, and they’re coming from the water…at us.
“Quarry eels? I thought they lived in caves!”
“Look at those teeth!”
I did, and I wish that I didn't. The teeth of the…quickly approaching eels are practically running with a dark purple liquid. I think they might be babies, it would explain the size of the things. They’re getting closer…and they’re hissing. It’s…its terrifying, but forward is the only way to get to the town. I hope I know what I’m doing.
“We have to fight them.”
“WHAT!?!”
“It’s the only way past, we have to fight them.”
“Dude I don’t want to kill anything, I’m a vegetarian for god’s sake.”
“DON”T CARE!”
I ran at the eels hoping that the show of aggression would scare them away. It didn't.
First Impressions
"Are you sure my cousin will be alright at the hospital by himself, Twilight?"
“Don't worry Paquito, PonyVille has some of the best doctors in Equestria. I'm sure he'll be fine."
Twilight and I left the hospital and walked to her library. She insisted I explain everything to her, and she said the only way we could do that was by being away from distractions and other ponies.
"Wait here..." She walks inside and calls out to Spike. She waits a few moments, then after no response she returns to the door and says “He must be out helping a friend of mine again. Come inside, There is a lot of work to be done."
I walk inside and stare all around me at the books that line the shelves reaching up to the roof. Twilight notices my intrigue and walks to another door and opens it revealing hundreds of other books. Then she walks to another door and another and then walks upstairs showing her personal collection and the living quarters.
"Its not much, there is a bigger library back in my hometown. This is really just the basics."
“No, this is perfect. The books are easy to get to, there’s plenty of room to work, and there's plenty of light. Thank you Twilight; this is exactly what I need."
She smiles at the compliment. Then she puts on a straight face and her horn glows again. She grabs 20 books at least and a large table and sets them in the center of the room. Of course there are no chairs, but it’s fine, I’m as enthusiastic to work as she is.
"Okay, I want a summarization on your world and how, things function there. How... um, what are you called?"
“Well, we are human beings but, we call each other people."
“How do people coexist and collaborate with one another? I'm sure you all work together nice and peacefully."
I stare at the ground, a little uneasy with answering the question. I didn't want to water things down for her, but I didn't want to expose her to all the atrocities of humanity. I would have to mention things like war, and genocide and disease, but I really didn't want to.
"I'll tell you as much as I can Twilight, but let me tell you its not pretty."
I sit on the table and try to sort out the mess in my mind, try to figure out somewhere to start in the clutter of history. Trying to find an answer that's more fact than opinion. Well, here goes nothing.
"To tell you the truth Twilight, humans don't know were we come from. We have assumptions, and different opinions, but very little facts."
Twilight looks baffled at my statement. "Well, then tell me how you think it started."
I smile, that’s something much easier to do.
"Well I believe that everything in existence was created by a being that we call God. Everything I believe is based on the teachings of a book called The Bible. It says God created everything in six days and rested on the seventh day. That’s why we have a seven day week. God created two people in the beginning and they lived perfect lives in the garden God made for them called Eden."
Twilight is...captivated to say the least. She attacks me with a barrage of questions.
"That’s amazing! How did he create it? What were the first two people like? Do you know them? What is God like? Does he use magic? "
"Whoa! calm down Twilight! No one really knows how he did it. No one has ever really seen or heard from God. People say they can get visions from God, or hear his voice after they call out to him and ask for guidance or give him thanks for a long time. We call it praying, and about your second question, no, no one knows about the first two people either, they died thousands of years ago."
Twilight seems almost annoyed at the notion of believing in something you can't see. "Wait, if you can't see or here from him, then why do you believe in him? How do you know he even exists?"
"I don't know whether or not he exists. Its the only plausible explanation I can come up with to how the world was created. It's something we call faith."
"That makes no sense at all! How can you believe everything written in this book is true? Everything in that book could be a bunch of hooie!!"
Twilight looks at me and steps away from the table and says " Oh! I'm sorry! I hope I didn't offend you!"
"No its okay Twilight, I've had my doubts, but I've always kept to my faith and I guess it paid off in the end. At least now I know he really does exist."
"How do you know he exists now?"
I get ready to explain the most unexplainable situation I have ever experienced in my entire life. I can hardly believe it myself.
"Well, as a Christian, that's what we call ourselves. we believe that when we die we go to a perfect place, not Eden, but in the sky called Heaven."
Twilight seems moved by the word Heaven. She steps closer to me and listens closely.
"I died and went there. I saw thousands, no millions of other Christians there. There was no hate, or want. Everything was perfect. I was in the dimension were God resided. I talked with one of the smartest humans ever, Charles Darwin, I was there with my heroes and we were all happy. I was looking forward to spending eternity there until..."
My voice trailed off, I looked to the ground, sad and confused at what I was about to tell Twilight.
"Then I ended up here. My cousin never believed in God, but he had to spend the rest of his life somewhere, and he brought me along for some reason. So now I'm here with all you wonderful peop... ponies. I get to spend the rest of my life in this interesting beautiful place, with the kindest most tolerant ponies I've ever met. Sure I'm a little sad but I've got nothing to complain about." I said with a smile, I always minimized problems this way while I was alive.I was just trying to be positive. I knew my situation sounded dire, and I was... well more than sad, but not depressed about being brought back into the land of the living but hey, at least I was in Equestria, and not back on Earth.
Twilight on the other hand felt terrible for me, she saw my pain through the veil. I could see she how bad she felt by the way she looked at me. She walked over to me stood on her hind legs and gave me an awkward pony hug. It was a little strange because her arms didn't wrap around my shoulders right but ... WAITAMINUTE. HOLY SHIT TWILIGHT SPARKLE JUST HUGGED ME.BEST DAY EVER. Twilight then sat on the table next to me and I continued my story. I explained to her the basics of the Bible, the famous people in the old Testament, Moses Jonah, Esther, Joshua Joseph, all those cats. Twilight was especially interested in the story of Jesus Christ. She asked me dozens of questions about him. “Did Jesus use magic? Did Jesus use magic to turn the water into wine? How did Jesus raise someone from the dead? What spell did he use? Who is the devil? Why didn't Jesus just defeat him with his magic? What the hay is a beggar? THEY DID WHAT TO HIM?”
This was the part I was worried about the most. Explaining human violence. I tried to give the most digestible but still accurate description of Jesus being flogged, then forced to carry his cross, then nailed to it hand and foot and then suffering on it until he died. It didn't matter; Twilight was still on the verge of tears, unable to understand why anyone could be so cruel. I wanted to explain to her that humans aren't like that anymore, but then I kinda realized that they are, just with guns. So I fixed the situation with the happy ending... “But that’s not the end of the story, remember Jesus said that the temple would rise again in 3 days. Well, three days later he rose from the dead."
"WHAT?"
"No seriously."
"THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!"
“Well, he’s Jesus."
“It all makes sense now! No wonder you have unconditional allegiance! If Jesus rose back from the dead, He must be invincible, and if he’s invincible he must be God, and if he is, then you have to worship him or else you will go to, what was it called, hell? What is that anyway?"
Awww, sheit.
Suddenly a certain Pegasus came to my aid, well not exactly. The door of the library burst open and standing in the doorway was fucking Rainbow Dash. 'RAINBOW DASH, THE IRIDESCENT' was standing right there.
"Twilight you have to come quick! There’s this really weird thing down at... OH MY GOSH THERE'S, TWO OF THEM!"
Rainbow Dash flew in library and knocked me across the room into one of the bookshelves, and then flew back and tried to drag Twilight out of the library.
“Rainbow! What are you doing?!?!" Twilight said just as surprised as I.
“I’m saving you from those freaky creatures! Come on, get up!"
Twilight teleported to where I laid on the floor in pain rubbing my neck.
“Are you okay?"
"Oh I'm fine, just give me a sec. Your friend packs quite a punch."
I looked toward Rainbow Dash who was confused to say the least a (you should see her face, it's adorable!) “Wait a minute! What the hay is going on here?"
"Rainbow, I'd like you to meet Paquito, he is from a place called earth and he means us no harm."
I stand up and walk towards her, but not too close I don't want to get my ass kicked by Rainbow Dash on my first day here. “It’s a pleasure to meet you Rainbow Dash. I'm just as confused as you are right now, but I can assure you we are nothing to fear."
Rainbow Dash was offended that I suggested she would be afraid of anything. "I'm not afraid of you freaks! I'm just don't trust you! How do I know you won't hurt anypony? How do I know your telling the truth?"
Before I could come up with an answer Twilight pulled Rainbow Dash outside leaving me standing awkwardly looking around waiting for them to come back inside. After a while I heard some yelling and whoosh, then Twilight came inside
"I'm really sorry about this but, I have to leave for a little bit, just make yourself comfortable and please don't leave the library." She ran outside and I could hear her clopping down the street (don't think it).
Well, twenty seconds passed before I picked up the books on the table and started reading inside them. I picked up one book in particular that a large old dusty book that had damage on its side. Equestrian text is hard to read but um, the book looked important. I opened it and by the looks of the pictures it seemed to be and Equestrian history book. I skimmed through it and then one picture caught my eye and I flipped back to it. It was then that my mind exploded.
"NO WAY. NO WAY, NO WAY, NO WAY, NO WAY, NO WAY!" Before my eyes was a picture of a castle and ponies running into it away from an army of dragons descending upon them, led by a large man-bat. In the distance was a tall dark castle surrounded by a moat. I knew watching G1 ponies would pay off. Escape from midnight castle was the one of the only G1 episodes I saw but, here it was. I never thought about it like that but, it seems that episode was a part of equestrian history. But wait! if they were named the same names as the ones now, then does that mean that they are named after them or does it mean that these ponies are... or is that not the old ponies real names? Waitaminute! In Cutie Mark Chronicles Twilight's mom looks just like the old Twilight, so how old is this book, how old is Twilight's mom? When did this happen? MUST STUDY!
“Why are you doing this again?"
"For science!"
*Sigh*"Of course."
This is...not what I was expecting my first few hours in PonyVille would be like. I'm currently laying on a metal table, hooked up to about five, while ponies in lab coats squeal every time they guess when my next heart beat is. This has been going for about, hm...thirty minutes. I don't really have a problem with it though. If aliens had suddenly landed back on earth, I'm pretty sure all the scientist back there would act the same.
Speaking of scientist, one of them's walking over to me now. He has a grayish, curly mane with a dark grey coat. Heh, he...he kind of looks like Doc' brown. Yeah, with the lab coat and the goggles and the needle-wait what?
He trots over and places a really...big syringe next to me. He looks at me with a nervous grin. "Sorry kid, but...we gotta get a blood sample."
*Sigh* more needles, this is just not my day. I sit up on the table, and roll u one of the sleeves on my hoodie. "Alright Doc, just...try not to stab anything important, alright?"
He smiles widely, and holds my arm with a hoof. "You got it! We were only able to get a vague layout of your vein system when we pulled that venom out, but I'm sure you'll be fine!" This might not have been a good idea. Before I can tell him this though, he lines up the tip of the needle to my arm and starts to draw out blood. It...stings alittle, but it's nowhere near as had as the one for the map. And it didn't melt my skin, so that's a plus.
After the syringe is mostly filled with the crimson liquid, the doctor removes it and brings it over to a unicorn in a lab coat. They exchange nods, and the unicorn grabs the vial with his magic, causing a light blue outline to glow around it, and leaves. Huh, I just had a random thought. What if my blood is like, acidic or something? That would actually be pretty cool, I would basically be one of the James Cameron Aliens, but...wow, I'm really stupid. Who the hell thinks things like that? Cray people, that's who.
"You alright son?" Doc' brown in pony form (yes that's what I'm going to call him until I find out his name) shakes me by the shoulder, breaking me away from my thoughts. I shake my head a bit trying to refocus, and he gives me a worried look. "You've kind of just been staring at the wall these past few seconds."
I rub the back of my head and chuckle. "Yeah, I was just, uh...thinking."
He raises one of his eyebrows for a second before his grin come back. "Well, when your finished...'thinking', you have a visitor in the lobby."
A visitor!? I quickly hop off of the table, pulling off the rubber suction cups that had been hooked up to the machines around me. "Who?"
"Nurse said one of the ponies who brought you here in the first place."
A 50% percent chance to meet Fluttershy? Yeah, I'm getting out of here. "Thanks Doc'. I'll try not to end up here again."
"Alright kid, good luck with the locals." His eyes narrowed a bit, and he leaned forward. "Some of them might not be as...accepting of you and your friend." His grin quickly returned. "But done mind them, they're just a bunch of horse apples."
I think he just confirmed slightly racist ponies. That might be an issue, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. "Uh, yeah I'll watch out for them." I quickly put my pack back on, hearing a small 'click's as it slid into place. I walked to the door of the examination room, giving various 'thank yous' to the nurses and doctors as I passed. One of the nurses step in my path and looked up at me.
"Do you need help getting to the lobby?" HA! Directions, who needs those?
"No thanks, I'll find my way." I gave her a nod and walked past her, opening the door into the hallway. I really hope I know what I'm doing, I have a good sense of direction, and combing that with my map, I should get there soon.
...
...
...
Well I was wrong. I've only been walking through the hospital halls for about five minutes, and I honestly have no idea where I am. I can't even use this map that I mutilated my hand over; the projection would give me away faster than if I just ran through this building waving my hands in the air.
But if there's one good thing about being lost, its getting to see just how different pony architecture is from peoples. The hospital is a LOT nicer than any I'd ever been to back on earth. I really like the Colors of the whole though, it's a nice blend of different shades of brown and light blue, makes me feel...relaxed. *sigh* Well, nothings ever gotten done by lookin' at the paint.
I kept walking through the halls, avoiding ponies whenever possible. There were a few close calls though, and I wouldn't have made if it weren't for Aticano. Turns out, it can turn into other things, besides weapons. I never thought knowing about Stealth-Boys would ever help me in life, take that society! I eventually reached the lobby, and well, lets just say...I'm pretty sure my whole 'not wanting to cause a commotion' plan, just when out the window.
There are ponies EVERYWHERE, they're practically lining up out the door. A literal rainbow of differently colored manes, coats and tails is assaulting my eyes. I'm glad I'm not photosensitive or something, I'd probably be having a seizure or something (no offense to anyone who is actually photosensitive, of course). They're all talking, and sometimes shouting, about the 'hairless diamond dogs' that are in town. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen, but I guess that absolutely no-pony being curious was too much to ask. Doesn't mean I'm talking to them all though.
With my Stealth-Boy still good for a few seconds, I think I can squeeze my way through the crowd, until I find my visitor that is. I take a few steps into the room, and wait. The ponies keep up there conversations, completely unaware of my shimmering form. Good. Using some avoidance skills I developed during high school, I quickly make my way through the dense groups of ponies, who other than a few quick looks over there shoulders and even fewer double takes, don't notice my presents at all. Sometimes, if I'm feeling cocky, I eavesdrop on there conversations, purely for the knowledge of course. There nothing special, mostly just guesses as to what I look like or, if I'm a threat or- "Um, excuse me, do you know where the, um...new guest is?" Or Fluttershy wondering where I am?!
Awww, yeah Fluttershy came to see me! I'm pretty freakin' elated, and in my small moment of freaking out, I back straight into a pony. I was able to get around him, but not before he practically jumped out of his skin in fright. I disregard him, at least for now, and start looking around for Fluttershy. I honestly have no idea what I'm going to talk with her about, or how the hell I'm going to explain myself, but I kind of don't care right now.
When I eventually spotted her, she was talking with a nurse at what seems to be a reception desk. She's too far away to hear exactly what there talking about, but I'm pretty sure I can guess. I crouched behind a chair, maybe two feet away from where they were speaking. Wow, Fluttershy is really cute, wait let me rephrase that. Imagine if you will, one thousand shoeboxes. Now in each one of those shoeboxes, are five kittens, all trying to squeeze into it. Now imagine someone invented a machine, one that could harness the raw, unfiltered energy of ridiculously objects, the said boxes of squeezing kittens would come CLOSE to how adorable Fluttershy is.
Hm, how am I gonna approach this? I'm still invisible, at least for now, and I would really rather not reveal myself to every single pony in the lobby. Thinking...processing...running possible situations and there solutions...and, got it! I have the perfect idea, but its going to require military levels of timing and execution. I walked over to a near by hospital cart, one carrying various plates of food, and gave it a push. It rolled down a hallway for a few feet, before hitting a wall, spilling some of its cargo. The noise from the crash caught the attention of every pony the room, and the receptionist talking to Flutters' quickly excused herself before rushing to check on it, leaving her standing alone at the empty desk. *Emperor voice* All according to plan.
I walked up to Fluttershy, and took a deep breath. "Psst, Fluttershy."
"EEEK!" She practically hit the ceiling! Okay, maybe talking out of nowhere while invisible, wasn't the best way to meet the pegasus who's afraid of heights. She stays hovering in the air, eyes wide with fear as she tries to find the source of my voice. "H-hello, is-is anypony t-there?"
"Fluttershy, it's me. The uh, 'very special guest'."
She kept frantically looking around, trying to find me. "W-why can't I..."
"See me? Lets just say it's a...precaution. I never liked being the center of attention, and well..." I looked around at the other ponies would were all still chatting away about me. "Being invisible helps."
She brings herself down to the floor, and tries to look in my general direction. She finally sees my shimmer outline, and slowly walks over to me. She looks right up at me, eyes wide with wonder. She has really beautiful eyes, they're a lovely blueish-green. This is literally the only time that teal will ever be an acceptable color in my book. But back to her looking at me. "Is...is that you?"
"Yeah, it's me." I stuck out one of my hands for a greeting. After a few seconds, she returned the gesture, gently placing one of her hoofs in my outstretched palm. "I'm Perez, and it's very nice you Fluttershy."
"It's um, n-nice to meet you to Perez."
This must look pretty ridiculous to anypony watching. Fluttershy talking and shaking hands with the air. That reminds me, I should probably find a place to suddenly pop back into visibility, before I appear in the middle of a crowd. "Fluttershy, I'm guessing you don't want to keep talking to thin air. Here, let's go into this hall, I kind of don't want to show myself off anymore than necessary."
She gives a nod and follows me into an empty hall. I look around a little, and after I determine that we're alone, I deactivate the stealth-boy, which turns back into its original tube form. As I slowly become visible I notice Fluttershy's mouth slowly dropping open. Its pretty clear why, she probably wasn't expecting me to be so tall. I'm 5'12 practically six feet tall, so she only goes to about my waist. Or, as my extremely perverted mind seems to think, eye level to my...*ahem*, well anyway.
I try my best to give her a reassuring smile but...I don't think it worked. "Yeah, I'm uh...pretty tall, huh?" She kept staring at me. Its kind of...uncomfortable? Wow, never thought I would be uncomfortable with Fluttershy. "Um, 'shy?"
"....Oh...my..." Crap, she fainted! I was barley able to catch her when she fell. I just made Fluttershy faint! Good God, can I not get a break?! *Sigh* at least this can't get any worse.
"OH MY CELESTIA, THE DIAMOND DOG IS ATTACKING FLUTTERSHY!!"
Shit.
(3rd person)
The attack came quick. As soon as Perez had come within five feet of the group of eels, the closest one had coiled its body, like a spring, and launched itself at him. Flying through the air, the eel opened its jaws wide, revealing its deadly venom coated fangs. The sight was made even more intimidating, as the flaps on both sides of its head sprung open, briefly stunning Perez with their vibrant hypnotizing colors.
In the suspense of the moment, time seemed to slow around Perez. As the eel shot closer, he had but a single thought.
“Worst. Plan. Ever.”
Knowing he had to react fast if he wanted to remain alive, and that his newly acquired weapon would to take too long to activate, he decided to use a more natural weapon. Curling his hand into a fist, he knocked the eel skyward with his left hand. But Perez noticed something was different; his punch sent the eel farther than it should have, and it didn’t hurt half as bad as he thought it should. He had been changed.
But any thoughts pertaining to his apparently increased strength were interrupted when the other eels took the offense, and started launching themselves at him. This time though, he was able to put his enchanted weapon to use.
“Short sword!”
The dark, silver-green of the blade, shimmered as he lunged at the assaulters.
While all this was going on, his cousin Paquito was still racing to assist Perez, furious at his cousin and himself at their inability to find another way past the eels.
"Dammit Perez, killing another creature is not the first thing I wanted to do in Equestria." he thought to himself. "If you had stopped and used your head, we could have cloaked ourselves with our tools, but no! Captain badass has to kill everything. This ain't a damn videogame.”
But he knew that even with all his unplanned, and probably unneeded aggression, his cousin still needed his help, and that was enough to get past his hardened vegetarian beliefs. .
“He better not be dead.” He said to himself. “If he dies, I’m going to kill him” And with that, he rushed to the sounds of the fight.
When he caught up to his cousin, everything he had worried would happen; had already happened. Perez was being attack on almost all of his sides. He was only barely able to keep the eels back, but he was obviously getting tired, and his swings were getting slower with each deflect. If he didn’t help, his only friend in this new world would be killed.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw something that Perez didn’t. An eel had gotten behind him, and was about to strike. Thinking quickly, he tried to remember a weapon, ANY weapon, which could help him.
“Uh… vanishing crossbow?!”
The tube lifted out of his hand and shone a bright teal. The shape twisted, and contorted, eventually becoming a lightly-colored cross bow, a bolt already strung. He felt the weight in his hands, and marveled at the craftsmanship of the weapon. He snapped back to reality at the sound of the eels hissing. He readied the weapon, taking aim at the slowly advancing eel, and fired.
“Fuck you, things!” Perez cried at the advancing attackers. He was starting to fell fatigue set in, and he knew that it wouldn’t be long until he made a mistake, moved to slow, or his already tiring reflexes failed him, before he would end up on his knees, being repeatedly poisoned. But one thought kept him in line.
‘Not until I meet Fluttershy.’
And he fought, slicing the eels down their centers, cutting their heads, or delivering precisely timed stabs that left the creatures reeling in agony. He really liked when that happened.
He heard a whizzing noise behind him, and quickly taking a look, saw that an eel that had gotten dangerously close, now had disappeared in a cloud of dark purple smoke. He looked up, and saw his cousin, crouching on a knee, and trying to take another shot.
“Hey, stupid!” He yelled “Watch out!" He ducked just as another bolt zoomed over his head, and hit an eel with a 'poof!'.
”Who doesn’t need weapons again?”
“Shut up and keep fighting!”
.
****
(1st person)
HA! Fuck these things, with their weak ass venom. I’ll admit, I didn’t think this whole ‘Leroy Jenkins your way into the middle of the group, hope for the best’ plan was gonna work at first, but now, with my sword in one hand, and Paquito covering my ass with that crossbow of his, I AM BULLET-I mean, EEL PROOF!
*Slink*
Aw, damn.
I looked down, at my left hand, and low, and behold; there’s a goddamned eel there. It’s…starting to wrap itself around my arm. I…I can feel the poison; it’s like…fire in m veins. I…I’m glad this is the…last one. If I’m dying, this thing goes with me, and I’m taking my time with it.
I dropped my sword, and ripped the eels head from my hand. There’s…there’s a lot of blood, more than there should be, and some of it is turning purple. I’m looking the eel head on, and all I’m feeling is rage. How DARE this thing kill me, robbing ME of all my dreams of living in this paradise? How DARE this thing, ruin not only MY life, but my cousins, who’ll have to go through ALL of the things we planned, alone. Man, P’s gonna kill me.
My hand has been closing around its head the entire time. I think it’s suffocating. It deserves worse. I squeeze harder, causing sickening gurgles to come from its mouth. I squeezed harder, and harder, and harder.
It popped. Like a balloon. Pieces of brain spattering on to my face, and blood ran down my arms. It fells great, but I know that, even when dead, this thing won the battle. I throw the headless corpse down, and lie in the dirt. Best I could do I guess. My cousin walks over, and sits down in front of me.
"Yeah, that was gross and unnecessary Perez. Hey! Check these out, vanishing arrows, no need to kill! I'm still surprised they work."
I sat if front my cousin after our battle that, I'm still shocked we won. We are both panting, and not moving. I look over to him slowly and chuckle a little. He responds with a smile. But…something’s wrong. The smile is fake. He’s probably just tired.
"Shit, I can't believe we did that. That was fuckin’ awesome."
"Yeah, that was pretty awesome wasn't it?"
“This is gonna be a great story to tell. It will help you get Fluttershy."
“Yeah, if I make it…"
"What do you mean?"
He’s pulling his arm over slowly. I can see his pain by the expression on his face. What the hell is wrong with…oh my god. There are two bleeding punctures on his palm. He got bit. My only companion in this world was now dying of poison.
"OH NO! No, no, no, no, no. You can't die you’ve got to make it. You’ve been given a second chance man! You haven't even begun to live! You've got to go out with Fluttershy, You and me have to have a cider drinking competition, We've got to go to one of Pinkie's parties, You have to be their with me when I meet the Princess! I NEED YOU MAN!"
“Heh, we both know the Fluttershy thing, wasn’t happening anyway.”
“Y-yes it could. If I tell her how brave you were just now, she...she... ”
This can’t be happening. GODDAMN IT, this can’t be happening! I…I don’t know what to do! We don’t have any first-aid, or…or anything. I…I can only watch him die. I'm going to lose the only person I have in the world. He’s looking straight up now, and smiling. Wait…he’s not smiling anymore. He looks like he’s listening to something.
“Do…do you hear that?”
“Hear…hear what?”
He closed his eyes, and is smiling again. “That.” He tries to raise his arm, but it just falls back down to his side. He stopped moving.
I hear it now. It sounds like…hooves. Hooves! Hooves! We’re being saved! He's not going to die! That drumming of hooves and that gentle flapping of wings was the sweetest sound I have ever heard. With what little strength I had left I turned around.
How should I describe my face? If I had won a million dollars, I would not have been as surprised or happy as I was at that moment, because standing in front of me was none other than Twilight Sparkle, the Joan of Arc of ponies, and…and…that radiant angel Fluttershy. She is cuter in person, or pony whatever. I had to cover my face and look away so they wouldn't give me a heart attack.
My God, they found us. I should be wondering why they’re here, but I’m not complaining! This moment will be ingrained in my mind forever. I am the luckiest brony in the world. Everything inside me wants to freak out but I force myself to keep it down. I shake my cousin a little and he looks over to find the source of the commotion. He almost sits up when he sees Fluttershy, then winces in pain and lays back down. He smiles at the sight of them.
“Okay, either I’m really fucked up, or Fluttershy and Twilight are totally rescuing us right now.”
“It’s both man…it’s both.”
“Oh…hay, um dude?”
“Yeah?”
“If I pissed my pants...because of the poison of course, would you tell them it’s from the stream?”
*Sigh*, even when he’s dying.
“We’re not anywhere close to the stream.”
“…Damn.” And then he closed his eyes, and leaned his head back.
Twilight looks like she’s trying to stay calm in our presence, good, just like I hoped she would. She takes a couple of cautious steps towards us.
“Um, hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle and this is Fluttershy."
Fluttershy looks at me from behind Twilight, and tries to muster a hello, but it trails off and she hides behind Twilight again.
"We are residents of the nearby town-"
“Hello my name is Paquito, and I'd love to get to know both of you girls. But my partner here is injured (You don't know how hard it is not jump on them and hug them both.) He is in serious need of medical attention, he is suffering from venom from a... (Can’t let them know that we know about this place) creature. We can talk later; he needs to get to a hospital NOW."
Twilight is taken aback by my forwardness. She seems a little irked that I refuse to give her information and just asked for help.
“Hold on! How do we know you’re not an enemy? All we know is your name; you can't expect us to trust you that easily. I’ll have Fluttershy examine your friends wound first, to decide if it is serious or not."
Twilight nudged Fluttershy forward a bit, and with some hesitation, she slowly started to hover over. She lands next to Perez, who was still passed out, and begins to look him over. She jumps back when she sees the bits on his hand.
“Oh my! Twilight it is very serious! You poor thing, we must get you to a hospital immediately."
Twilight stops looking so agitated, and seems genuinely worried. She trots over, and looks at Perez.
“Oh, that is serious. Very well, we will take your companion to PonyVille Urgent Care were he will receive medical attention. Meanwhile you will explain how you two arrived here and why.”
“I’ll tell you whatever you want, as long as my partner gets help.”
I was about to ask how we were going to get there fast enough, but a light shot out of her horn and before I could realize it we were standing right in the middle of PonyVille. Exactly the opposite of what I wanted to do. It's almost as if Twilight read my mind and did this to annoy me. Every pony was staring directly at me. I looked like, as much as I hate this overused simile, a deer looking at headlights. I tried to say something, but nothing came to mind that would put an entire town of ponies at ease. Then Twilight stepped forward and broke the silence.
"Everypony, this is official business of the Princess, be on your way."
That didn’t really help much, but at least they kept on walking and talking. About me no doubt. I take in the scenery around me to try to get the embarrassment out of my head. Every thing is in neon colors, everyone is happy and smiling, there is no one walking with their head down. There is no discontent, no arguing, no sadness and no hate. It seems so foreign and strange, and magnificently beautiful. A utopia of adorable ponies, living in true solidarity together. This is true tolerance, and not just tolerance, coexistence. I wish my people could be more like this. As we are walking, well, I'm limping, I look back at my cousin and notice Twilight staring at me. She doesn't look away, so I'm guessing she wants something.
“Um.... Yes?"
"Well?"
I'm confused for a moment and realize the promise I made to her. This is going to be very interesting.
"Oh! you want an explanation don't you?"
"Yes I would like an explanation. All my plans for today are canceled now, so take all the time you need."
I begin by saying we both are humans from a different world, a world that is extremely different from this one. There is only one type of human, but we come in different shapes sizes and colors and have different tastes and views and ideas. That’s not enough for her. She wants the whole story.
We arrive at the hospital, and the same thing happened that occurred in Mane Street. Twilight points to my cousin “This one is injured." and a group of unicorns surround my cousin and carry him to a cot in a hospital room. I followed them; man I hope it’s not too late. Twilight and Fluttershy stayed in the lobby. I look back and see Twilight talking to Fluttershy. I wonder what they’re talking about.
Their hospitals are just as vibrant as the rest of the town, and all of the patients don't seem to mind being there. The nurse unicorns' horns illuminate in unison in different colors and my cousin starts to glow. I watch in awe, amazed by their power. I stand their with my mouth agape, unable to take my eyes off of the miracle happening before my eyes. My cousin sits up in his bed startling the nurses who exit the room swiftly in a neat single file line.
“GAAAAAAH!”
Note to self: Don’t scream the first time you wake up in a hospital. Hey wait a minute…I’m alive! And in a hospital…how’d that happen?
Looking around the room, I see that there are about four or five nurse and doctor ponies surrounding my, wait why are they leaving? Oh right, the screaming thing. Well now it’s just me and P’ (Ugh, dat rhyme). P’ stands up and walks to the bedside.
"Welcome back. Twilight took us to PonyVille’s hospital. A whole bunch of unicorns just healed you, you should have seen it, it was Super Rad."
“I get the feeling that you’re not staying.”
“Yeah, well Twi’ still wants me explain how we got here, so…”
“Ya, ya. Go take care of your ‘diplomat’ problems. I guess I’ll just you know, be here.”
He nods and then walks out of the room. Well, now I’ve got some time to kill. Guess I’ll play around with the most advance piece of technology in this entire world.
“I wonder if my map can run Crysis.”
