Ponies, Travelers, and this guy

(A/N: Yesh I upload this thing like the half-life episodes. Other than that, do any of my stories have a theme? Because I sure as hell don't sense one, ah well, I'll let you all decide.)

The Abject Nexus, ah, have I told you what a horrid place it is? Well it is. Actually it's not a horrid place. You know what's a horrid place? Sub-universe 30.421 or as I like to call it, Buffet Kingdom. It's literally just a single planet, and on that planet is a single kingdom, and everyone there, is a buffet food.

I FRIGGIN LOVE BUFFETS. It was torture to go there, but I had to rescue an agent trapped by the Danish King. Oh the revenge was sweet...as in I ate him. WHAT?!? IT WAS GOOD. It was like that incident with the puppies. Speaking of puppies have I ever told you about Spinsky? Oh he is a gem.

But! Let us get at the task at hand! Heading over to appe-duck's place! Wait..that's not right..Apple-crack? Who the hell names their kid after a drug? Doubt it. The name had something to do with apples....APPLEJACK! That's it!

Apple-

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"Jack" as Applebloom had taken to calling her, was doing what she did best: Buck some apples. Everyday, all day, bucking. (Orgy joke incoming) Buck-akke. (HAHAHHA HOW HORRIBLE!)

Sorry. Anyway, she had just finished harvesting another batch when Hoody showed up. Or, if you could call screaming and running at roughly the speed of sound whilst tripping and inadvertently face-smashing into a tree "arriving".

"OOOOOOWWWWWW." He moaned loudly as he placed two hands and a foot on the tree bark and proceeded to push, trying in vain to pull his head out.

Applejack merely snorted in amusement and helped the poor man by grabbing his waist and pulling with him.

Eventually, the two managed to pull out (giggity) and by pull out. I mean Hood eventually went "fuck this", placed both hands with palms splayed against the wood, and used a repulsing spell that sent the two of them flying.

After eventually landing in the Town Square, the two got up and proceeded to have a dance number on how wonderful pie is.

No I'm just kidding, after they landed Hoody just laid there on the ground groaning while Applejack yelled at him.

"Dagumit! Ya scared the livin' hay outta me! And what the hay did you do anywho?!? You sent us flyin'!"

However, Hoody wasn't listening. Instead, he merely sat up, and...stared.

"AND ANOTHER THING! Ya could have just walked over ta Sweet Apple Acres instead of- Hoody? Hey! Hoody!" Applejack had noticed the man's absent-mindedness in the midst of her ramblings.

"Say. Applejack. This place has flying bug thingies right?" He asked. She nodded, still confused.

Suddenly the sky got very dark, darker than normal.

Hoody pointed upwards.

And there, blotting out the sun, were thousands of Changelings.

Applejack stared on in stark horror.

"Aww crap."

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Celestia and Luna both stared in confusion and caution at the groaning figure surrounded by rubble sitting before them.

"Oooooooowwwww... my babies." Moaned Crushric holding his hands to his nuts.

"Testicular Damage at 98%." Said a very smug Cortana.

";_;" Crushric just sat there crying.

"Um....hello? Citizen!" Luna waved her hoof impatiently in front of the crying marine. He simply looked up with his dead blank expression, or rather HIS MASK'S dead blank expression. Underneath is however, his expression was one of "if my nuts hadn't been so brutally raped, I would massacre you."

"WHAT?" He screamed in both pain and annoyance.

"Why are you here?" Asked Luna. If she could see past his helmet, she would have been greeted by the best 'are you friggin serious?' Face this side of the internet.

"Oh nothing, I was just hopping from dimension to dimension, you know, picking up the groceries, asking around as to the whereabouts to my friend until said friend- PUNCHED ME IN THE FUCKING DICK!" He almost shouted the last part in a voice matching the Canterlotian Shout in an almost even decibel.

"Guards!" Celestia called, fearing for her sister and an encounter that was (most likely) going to get ugly.

"Hey! Ya fat baby! While you were sitting there whining like a little bitch I got the nanobots to fix your goddamn MAN JAGNINS." Shouting Cortana.

"Jaginins...really?" He said pulling his hands away from his nuts and onto his .44 magnum as a legion of guards swarmed in from all open windows, doors, and for some reason: lamp posts.

"Wow....guess I really shouldn't have brought a pistol to an ASSHOLE FIGHT." He shouted once again as the guards, Princesses and just about every pony in the town lined up to attack him.

"Well you know what they say" he said pulling out an energy sword from one of the many seemingly innocuous compartments all over his person.

"Always bring a knife to an ass-fight."

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Queen Chrysalis paced back and forth in her dark and dingy cave, the sound of rain water and the moaning of her children accompanied her furious passes as she ranted on and on about the failed plan.

"Ah! I shouldn't have trapped her! Blast that infernal little lavender rat! RAAAAAAAAAH!" There weren't enough horrendous words to capitalize on her anger so she chose the alternative route: screaming.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."

"Would you shut up?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUU-what?"

Chrysalis was interrupted from her rambling/screaming session by a deep, foreboding, and disembodied voice that seemed to punch directly into her mad encrusted skull that this was a being of great importance, and even greater power.

"Who is this?" She asked cautiously, by now she had turned towards her recuperating children who were milling around the cave and recovering from contact with the infernal shield that she had worked so hard to stop.

"I am no one. And one all the same. I am a fellow as you, one with his...children." It was a grave voice alright. And it spoke volumes of untold ages passed.

Chrysalis furtively glanced and checked over all her minions searching for the possessed one. That's how 'contact' as she liked to call it worked. A powerful being from far away would capture and mind-jack someone else's physical body in order to speak with either an individual or a group.

"Why do you seek to help?" She asked silently motioning for the group to line up in single file, they obliged and soon she was inspecting the lines with keen interest. Eventually she came across one who was standing perfectly still and who's green eyes were glazed over as it spoke. She had found 'the host'.

"I seek to help, for we are one in the same." It stated plainly, with a rather amiable tone.

"Oh? And what between us is there?" She asked, the 'hi-jacked' changeling began to morph, but it was a transformation she had never seen, a green spore cloud seemed to leak from out of nowhere, feelers as grey as a dead corpse adorned with bright red Sillia waving around, they grew out of it's eye sockets giving it a grotesque undead appearance. Chrysalis expected the changeling had died as soon as the foreign entity had entered it's mind.

"We both seek nourishment, and vengeance." It stated plainly. Chrysalis had, without conscious effort, backed up until she was against the rocky interior of the cave.

"Hypothetically speaking, how would we achieve both? My latest and most ingenious plan has failed and my forces are weak, you are but a disembodied voice with whom I've just met and have no trust of. So, again I ask, how?" Her eyes grew in horror as the green spore cloud began spreading. All around her, the changelings began growing horrendous appendages, an extra leg extending from a shoulder, broken jaws which became unhinged due to tentacles pouring out of the mouths, cancerous sores and boils, blinding red pus bubbles.

"Rest assured young one, I am but merely...borrowing them. And with their minds and bodies, I will make them pay."

Chrysalis began feeling claustrophobic and hopelessly outnumbered, she knew that...this thing was not..borrowing them, it was killing them, and turning them. Though to what exactly had yet to be determined.

"I see you fear for yourself and your children. Rest assured." It said simply. One of the infected Changelings that had previously been milling around walked over to an egg sac and began pouring a visceral substance into the sac via tentacles, Chrysalis stared in slack-jawed shock and awe as the baby growing inside began swelling, growing the black pigments and holes of a normal changeling. And soon, it began kicking and squirming. And in no time flat, it became a fully formed Changeling, bursting into it's new life of service.

For a moment it sat blinking in the dim low-light before chirping shrilly and running over to Chrysalis, hugging one of her legs. She decided to test it, sending it a phenomenal signal via rubbing her two legs together, rubbing against the open holes. It's eyes lit up and it sat up, in a moment returning her message via sharp clicks unheard by any ears.

"Okay....I trust you." She said hugging the baby changeling and hoisting it onto her back, all around her, the dead changelings were injecting the various larva sacks with the same visceral substance, and in no time flat, a whole army of changelings began to form.

"But I must know...who are you?" She asked.

Instantly the whole cave began shaking as massive tentacles shot high into the cave, tentacles bigger than any tree stumps and bigger than most buildings. Chrysalis gripped the scared youngling on her back and stared up as a massive head emerged.

"I am a monument, to all your sins."

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He sat on one of the massive terra cotta roofs overlooking the beautiful city of Canterlot, sipping Merlot wine and smoking from a pipe wearing a double-breasted  Armani suit with a bowler hat hung low over his forehead to cover his eyes. With a smile he watched the madness unfold in the Throne room of the Royal Sister's palace. A thousand and one guards plus the sisters all clustered around a single individual, which he couldn't see at the moment but was all the same assured that his ass was being handed to him on a sliver plater.

Taking a sip from the glass he was holding, he twirled it absently as he scanned the Mid-Autumn city, it was a nice sunny day with poofy cumulus clouds passing slowly overhead like massive Sperm Whales. A simple breeze ruffled his blazer as he admired the golden scenery.

"Having fun D?" Asked a voice from behind him.

Without turning around 'D' chuckled mirthlessly, taking yet another sip without responding.

"Well, the fun is watching how our heroes get out of this one." He said pointing directly to the reader.

Just then the window he was watching exploded and our good friend Crushric leaped out riding a pony who was trying to furiously buck him off, all the while Crushric was swearing like a sailor in a bar fight.

"Well I guess that answers your question doesn't it?" Asked the disembodied voice quite confused. "By the way, who were you talking too?" He asked.

D simply got up from the roof top, winked at the reader, sipped once more on his aged drink of choice, and stepped off the roof.

As he stepped began descending, he smiled. "I wonder how this will all turn out." He thought to himself as he became yet another spot on the pavement, albeit quite a bloody big spot.

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"Well I have seen a lot of it in my time, but this here is a right clusterfuck!" Exclaimed Hoody with a whistle of appreciation. It had taken mere moments for the duo to be surrounded by the swarming masses. Applejack was in hysterics, there was an evilly laughing villain who announced all hope was in vein and who talked away about the grave mind's-

Wait a minute. Hoody suddenly looked up from his makeshift game of tic-tack-toe which he had somehow managed to dream up during Queen Chrysalis's speech.

"We will feed on all your loved one's love and storm through your towns leaving them as but-"

"OY!" Screamed Hoody looking up to the hovering matriarch. She looked crossly down at him.

"What do you wantslime?" Particularly enunciating it.

"Did you just say something about a mind that's in a grave?" He asked, she smacked her face with a hoof before rehashing.

"Yes, through the generous gifts of the Grave Mind, my once decimated children have grown and risen yet again!"

"No but seriously, is it a grim mind like Alfred Hitchcock or is it just the gray mushy-matter that sits in a dead man's skull?" Asked our askew hero.

Chrysalis gave him a look like if the 'are you crazy?' Face and the 'I'm going to kill you and use your intestines as garrots to strangle your family' face had a baby.

"Oh what am I even doing? DESTROY THEM!" She bellowed.

Applejack, having been frozen in sheer terror up to this point, screamed. "We're doomed!" She stated, her ears shrinking as she instinctively curled into a small ball.

So with a massive army of (most likely) bolstered super-soldiers and with no weapons in sight, with no hope of help or reinforcements and the probable outcome of the two of them being the last line of defense, Hoody reached into his trusty duffel bag, and pulled out....a baseball bat.

He smiled wickedly.

"Oh this will do, this will do nicely." He said smacking the metal against his palm.

Queen Chrysalis began laughing, hard. She waved her hoof in a jerky manner ordering the encroaching soldiers to stop.

"Seriously?" She asked, tears forming, she opened her tear stained eyes to find herself staring at a hooded man. And her cheery and confident demeanor stopped abruptly as well as her ear-to-ear smile when she noticed something quite hard to miss.

HIs eyes were twinkling with madness and his grin also stretched from ear to ear, showing quite pointy teeth. But let's focus on the eyes for a minute, for Hoody's eyes were those of a man who would have as much fun going on a Carousel as going through an orphanage with a can of axe and a Lighter.

Translation: Batshit, mind bending, horse fucking purely for the hell of it, insane."

"Seriously." He said, grin and all.

"CHAAAAAAAAAAARGE!" She shouted.

And (*sigh* again), all hell broke loose.

(A/N: Oh the next part will be fun to write. And on a side note, does anyone else want to hop on this madhouse bandwagon?)