Chapter 1: Lost

North of Ponyville, at a distance of around three days of travel (less for a pegasus), is a place where the Everfree Forest thins out as it climbs the slopes of the Convenient Mountains. A strange figure stumbled out through a hole in a rock wall; had he been more aware of his surroundings, he would have noticed the vines and other plants he brushed past, and how they immediately covered the opening again. Sadly, he was far too disoriented to realize that he probably wouldn't find this place again any time soon. The figure collapsed on the ground. Several minutes later, he crawled to a stream that had come down from the mountains. He drank the water, noted how cool and clear it was, splashed his face, attempted to collect this thoughts, and took stock of himself.

I'm fully human. That had never been noteworthy before, but somehow it seemed important this time.

I look like a more buff and more handsome version of the reader. It was true. He was also of legal age, even if the reader happened not to be.

My name is... I don't remember. He opted to call himself “Biff Studly” for now.

I was hiking Backstory Forest, and I made the mistake of exploring Contrivance Caverns solo. Derp.

I don't know where I am now. As his head cleared, he began to use his vast knowledge of wilderness survival as well as handy gear in his backpack. He determined the four cardinal directions. He figured out wind direction and speed, as well as barometric pressure. He realized that while it was much later in the day than it had been when he entered the caves, it was somehow earlier in the season. His latitude was different. It was a different phase of the moon. The plant life didn't match the place he had been earlier. He needed to cut his toenails. The Nikkei Index was up, and the Chicago Cubs had lost again.

He realized that he needed to look for civilization, so he flipped a coin twice to pick a random direction to travel in. Then he realized that this was the action of a dipshit, so he chose to follow the stream instead. Fortunately, it was heading south, the same direction his quarter had given him. Figuring it was fate rather than bad writing, he set out on his journey.

Along the way, he was able to confirm (as Dorothy said) that he definitely wasn't in Kansas any more, and probably not in any of the other states, either. Well, maybe Tennessee – that place was pretty fucked up. He also learned that his hours of playing D&D had all been worthwhile, as there were a great many mythical creatures that actually existed. What's more, they were good eatin'; cockatrice tasted like chicken, and manticore was a lot like cheap Chinese food.

Though he remained ignorant of his name and location, he was actually enjoying himself. The weather was good, the scenery was nice, the monsters weren't all that scary, and both food and water were plentiful. He was sure that eventually he would return to his old life – whatever that had been – but for now, he looked forward to adventure, excitement, and (with any luck) a lot of gratuitous sex.

Author's Note

I have a strange sense of humor, and I've been reading too many fanfics; this story is the meeting point of those two facts. I wanted to see if I could be funnier than the people who are unintentionally writing comedy.