Dude, I Am So HiE Right Now (a parody)

Chapter 2: First Contact (Yay.)

Days later, as afternoon gave way to evening, Biff stopped to rest and consider choosing a campsite. He set down his pack, took off his shoes and socks, and sat down on the bank of the stream to let the water run over his feet. He put his arms behind him for support, leaned back, and closed his eyes. After a few minutes of quiet contemplation, the silence was broken by an adorable feminine voice. “Oh! What an interesting animal! I've never seen anything like you before!” His eyes opened and his head whipped around as he sought the owner of the voice. His eyes found a waist-high yellow horse... with wings. He closed his eyes again. Was it the mushrooms I added to lunch? Or did that manticore need to be refrigerated? He opened his eyes again in time to confirm that the voice had come from the strange being. “I wonder what you are?”

“I'm a human.”

Her wings fluttered rapidly and her jaw dropped. “Oh! You can talk! I bet I can learn so much from you! Now I won't have to guess what you eat when it's time to feed you. What's a human?”

“Do you know what an ape is?” At her nod, he continued. “We're related to them. And what exactly are you?”

“I'm a pony. Um, I thought that would be obvious.” She sounded cute even with that tone in her voice that said “You're not too bright, are you?”

“So I'm not hallucinating?” He squinted as he glanced around, expecting the nearby trees to turn into Lego versions of themselves, or giant fish standing on their tails, or something. They stubbornly persisted in staying normal.

“I'm pretty sure you're not. But if you want, I can take you home and make sure you're healthy.”

“Sure. And maybe I can learn some things from you along the way.” He stood up and stepped out of the stream. She flinched when he did so, and again when he suddenly snatched up his backpack and settled it back where it belonged. “Are you okay?”

“You're bigger than I thought. You're... you're not going to hurt me, are you?” She looked ready to run, or fly, or somehow both.

“Why would I do that? You're my new friend. You can call me Biff.”

She relaxed. “Hello, Biff. My name is Fluttershy.”

He tucked his socks in his hiking boots, picked up the boots, and walked for a while with bare, wet feet. They chatted as they strolled. He learned about Equestria, and the types of ponies living there, and her home town of Ponyville. She got a crash course in human abilities, dietary habits, and culture. He found out about magic, and she found out about the Cola Wars. As they made their way to her home, his feet dried, his boots went back on, they shared some wild berries that he picked, and he began to receive messages from his schlong.

By the time they reached her cottage at sunset, his unit had made the case that it really needed some attention, and would prefer that he not take matters into his own hands. He stared off into the distance as she unlocked the door, and he mentally shrugged. It's not like it would be the first time I boffed a quadruped. The trick would be to figure out how to bring the topic into the open.

After the door closed behind them, he was caught off-guard by a sudden question. “Biff, do you know what pheromones are?” He raised an eyebrow in confusion. She zipped up to mouth level and planted a kiss while hovering in front of him. After that, it escalated quickly. They made out awkwardly as she hovered and he stripped. He tossed his clothes away from the puddle rapidly growing at their feet. Her hindquarters were running like a faucet, and the splattering juices made it difficult to hear her as she gasped out sentence fragments in between liplocks. “I'm normally not like this... mmph! Even though I'm a virgin, I... unh, ahh... human biochemistry... ooo!”

Before long, her hooves were on the floor again, his feet were soaked again, and she was filled with 14 inches of pocket salami. She moaned and writhed on his throbbing scepter. He tried to hold off by running the lyrics to Chuck Berry's “My Ding-a-Ling” through his head. After what seemed like hours of ecstasy for them both, he knew he was about to come. He grabbed her by her butterflies and considerately picked her up, shifting his hips the crucial few degrees necessary to point her towards the couch on the opposite side of the room. His brain blanked, his spine was nearly dislocated by the final thrust of his hips, and she rocketed across the room from the force of his climax. His firehose-like emission was joined by additional moisture from her; her multiple orgasms were like a handful of invisible water balloons hitting her privates.

His deep groans subsided, she stopped shrieking like a smoke detector, and they both passed out. Unseen by them, tiny animals in biohazard suits took silent directions from a similarly clad bunny rabbit. Miniature mops, belt sanders, flamethrowers, and other tools were brought out and wielded with quiet efficiency.