Dude, I Am So HiE Right Now (a parody)

Chapter 5: Whatever It Is Naughty Ponies Wallow In

After recovering from the torrid three-way, Biff went to go look for his clothing. Sadly, it had been a victim of the shockwaves from the Rainbow Helix Spinning Pegasus Speed-fuck (as it later came to be called). His shirt was in fragments, and his jeans had been damaged in standard comic book fashion: shredded from ankles to thighs, but reasonably intact above that. And while ponies didn't seem to have any issues with nudity, he wasn't sure he wanted to go outside with this minimal covering. He was especially grateful that the remnants of his jeans covered his modesty; he definitely didn't want to be walking around with his Beldar Conehead flapping in the breeze. Fortunately, Rainbow Dash had a solution.

“Hey, it just so happens that I'm friends with a clothing designer. I'm sure she's never made clothing for something like you before, but knowing her, she would enjoy the challenge.” She offered to zip down to tell her friend Rarity about the special project. While she was away, he gathered up all of the pieces of his clothing as well as his other belongings, and Scootaloo continued washing herself off.

Dash quickly returned and ferried Biff to the ground just outside her friend's boutique. She then zoomed off, explaining that she wanted to make sure that Scootaloo was especially careful with her wings. “Nopony can fly with sticky feathers,” she said.

Biff knocked on the door, which was quickly answered by a stunningly white unicorn. “Come in, come in! I'm Rarity, and you must be Mr. Studly. I can see why Dash said I would find this interesting! Let's get you measured, and I'll figure out where to go from there.” Once again, he was surprised by the casual acceptance of his otherworldly appearance; Rarity told him that ponies had a tradition of hospitality, and that she also had an obligation above that to “the proper manners of a lady”.

She showed what she meant as she worked; she was business-like but never cold while measuring him, and while she did ask him for quiet during the assembly phase, she did so politely. In almost no time at all, she had telekinetically created three new shirts for him, as well as two new pairs of jeans. It was then that he realized she would probably need to be paid, and he had none of the local currency, whatever it was.

“Oh, don't worry about that, dear,” she said as held one of the shirts against his chest to gauge its size. It looked perfect, but he should probably try it on just to be sure. “Just as I have skills that you obviously appreciate, Rainbow Dash tells me that you have some skills that I would quite enjoy.” Unicorn magic quickly snatched the shirt from his hands and set it down carefully. He then found himself floating in the air, moving gently backward as she removed his boots, socks, Bruce Banner jeans, and underwear. She plopped him down on a couch with a soft “pomf” sound and climbed up into his lap. This distracted him enough that he didn't realize the couch was a little short, but was otherwise ideal for human proportions.

Her coat slid across his skin as she put her front hooves on his shoulders and leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “Sometimes a lady doesn't want to be a lady.” His sausage began changing from a patty to a link – a long, long link. “Tell me my tea is sub-standard.”

Biff was confused. “I haven't had any of your tea.”

“Tell me!”

“Your tea is sub-standard.”

“Yes! What else?”

“Um, you have... gaps in your knowledge... of etiquette?”

“Yes! Tell me more!”

“Your comportment... is sometimes unbefitting a member of high society.”

“YES! Humiliate me! Keep going!” She was gushing all over his knees by this point.

“Your family line is lacking.”

“Oh Celestia, it's true!”

He was pretty sure he knew what she wanted to hear by now. “Your coiffure is aesthetically inadequate.”

“You're right, I'm such a dirty girl! Take me! Ravish me!”

She wiggled until the tip of his sword was at her sheath, and he pulled her hips down sharply, burying himself inside her. She yelped in a most unladylike manner. After a brief pause, they both moved and moaned together. Her couch was probably ruined. It didn't take long for her to learn that human staying power was most un-equine. She was so grateful for this discovery that he began to learn about telekinetic prostate stimulation. In short order, both of them came harder than either one of them ever had before.

The education continued for both of them. Perhaps the most notable finding, from his point of view, was that there was no handle for oral sex better than a unicorn horn. She realized that she liked having her tail pulled during anal. The rate of learning increased when her sister stopped by for a visit: Rarity found that she liked being degraded in front of Sweetie Belle, and Biff made the connection that screwing a pony who had a little sister was somehow going to lead to shenanigans with the sibling as well. He thought it might be fate.

Since Sweetie Belle hadn't made plans to stay the night, the three of them took a break before her curfew. She was showered, dried, and sent home to her parents. Before she left, Sweetie Belle promised to Rarity that she would never tell their parents what went on, so long as it could continue. Rarity quickly agreed. After seeing her sister off, Rarity went to the kitchen to grab some fuckfest fuel.

Biff finished off the scones with obvious pleasure, but all he did was eye the tea. At first she wondered what was wrong, but the heat began building within her again as she remembered. To her shock and delight, he poured the cup on the floor and told her to lick it up. She did so eagerly. He then stood and grabbed her horn again; she was dragged off happily, almost too excited to give directions to her bedroom.