Dude, I Am So HiE Right Now (a parody)

Chapter 4: So Awesome

The following morning, the Apples were much quieter than usual, speaking only when absolutely necessary. They also avoided eye contact with each other. Breakfast was delicious but awkward. The goodbyes they gave Biff were each passionate and done in private. Shortly after dawn, the farmer ponies returned to work and Biff set out on the road again.

He hadn't been walking long before he heard a distant cry of “Whoops!” that sounded like it came from somewhere overhead. Before he could look around, he was enveloped by a thick, gray fog that made it impossible to see. In addition, he was soaked almost immediately by condensation as the water vapor took advantage of the available surface area of his clothes, hair, and skin. He spluttered in surprise.

In return, he heard a scratchy but definitely feminine voice. “Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! That cloud wasn't supposed to get away from me, and I didn't see anypony there!”

The mist lifted almost as quickly as it had appeared. “Well, you're right about that, I'm not a pony.”

“You're not? That's cool. What are you?” The voice definitely came from above this time. A blue face surrounded by a rainbow halo was peeking over the edge of the cloud.

“I'm a human. A drenched human.”

“Oh, heh-heh! Sorry! I'd offer you a blow-dry, but I don't want to break up this cloud any more than I already have. I feel bad about this, though! Why don't I take you to my place to dry off? My name's Rainbow Dash.”

“Hi, Rainbow Dash. I'm Biff Studly. Where's your home?”

She pointed upward with a hoof, and seemed to be indicating another cloud. “Up there. Don't worry! I can fly you up! And my friend Twilight enchanted some cloud-walking charms so it's easier for me to have company over!” She disappeared out of view again, then flapped down from the cloud with a fine silver chain spread between her front hooves. She looped this over his neck and landed in front of him.

“Twilight? Twilight Sparkle?”

“You know her? She's a friend of mine. Small world.”

“No, but another pony named Fluttershy said she might be able to help me.”

“Fluttershy? She's another one of my friends.”

Small world indeed, he thought. Then the rest of what she said a moment ago clicked for him. “Cloud-walking?” He studied the small charm hanging off the necklace. The odd design on one side was lost on him, but he was just able to make out tiny lettering carved on the other side: Deus ex Equus. He was sure it meant something, and made a mental note to look it up later.

“Don't worry, it's perfectly safe! Shall we?” She flew behind him, shoved her front hooves under his armpits, and forklifted him off the ground.

They were at her home in moments, and he got to try cloud-walking for the first time; it was like stepping on a waterbed that wasn't completely full. While he was getting used to her front “lawn”, she opened the door and yelled inside. “Scoots! You'd better be out of bed! We've got company, and I don't want you being late for school again.”

Biff stepped inside the multi-story cumulus in time to see a smaller pony headed to what appeared to be a kitchen. “I was just about to have breakfast, Rainbow Dash. I'll be on time. I want you to be proud of me!”

“No worries about that, kiddo. Biff, this is Scootaloo. Scootaloo, this is Biff. He's a human.” Once again, yet another pony was incredibly casual about meeting a member of a previously unseen species; Scootaloo gave him a glance, a friendly wave, and not much else. He was starting to get used to it.

Dash zipped away and returned with a stack of towels; the topmost one was deep blue with yellow stripes that looked like stylized lightning bolts. Biff shrugged and started peeling off his wet clothing. Ponies didn't seem to have an issue with nudity, so why should he?

“So, is she your daughter?” The younger pony somehow reminded him of Apple Bloom, but where she was color-coordinated with her family, the orange filly didn't seem to resemble the blue pegasus at all.

“No, she's more like my sister, kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“Well, not long after she was born, her parents died in a freak accident with the drummer for Spinal Clop. She was living in an orphanage after that, but it sank into a swamp. So she was transferred to another orphanage, but that one was eaten by parasprites. She lived with a foster family for a little while, but...”

Scootaloo looked up from her cereal bowl and finished for Dash. “Spontaneous pony combustion.” She took the bowl to the sink and rinsed it off. Biff wondered briefly about how plumbing would be engineered in a cloud, but as with many other oddities in the past few days, he set it aside for later.

“So I take care of her these days. Which includes making sure she leaves to go to school right now.”

“I know, I know. Goodbye, Dash!” The little filly stopped by the door for a deep tongue kiss with her guardian before stepping outside. She hopped over the side of the cloud and fluttered down to the ground in a controlled fall.

“Sooooo, Biff... we have some time while your clothes are drying. We're all alone, the rest of the weather team can cover for me for a little bit, and I believe I still owe you an apology. I haven't been with a guy in a while, so I hope you don't mind if I get a closer look at that dingus.”

Biff moved the towel that he had been holding in front of his crotch. His love rocket was prepping for launch. “I think I'd like that.” He threw aside the other towels and stood there wearing nothing but the cloud-walking charm. “Where?”

“That's the great thing about living in a cloud.” She grinned like a cat before flying forward and knocking him down. “Every part of it is just as comfy as the rest!” In short order, their mouths were locked on each others genitals. He drank as much as he could of her freely flowing juices but was only able to get a fraction of it. Fortunately, nopony was beneath Rainbow's house, so there weren't any questions about the light drizzle that hadn't been scheduled by the Ponyville weather patrol.

For hours they invented a bewildering variety of positions, all four of his limbs tangling with all six of hers. They took breaks and replenished their energy with snacks and fruit juice. Thanks to her cloud home, very little clean-up was required – although a particular grassy patch on the outskirts of Ponyville was sticky for days afterward. One of their later breaks was spent discussing everything they had done and trying to come up with new ideas. Dash suddenly chugged the rest of her juice and perked up. “I have an idea!”

After hearing the description, Biff sprawled on his back and allowed Dash to straddle him. She sat down, eased his train into her tunnel, and slowly used her front hooves to pull her back legs up in the air. As she balanced on their one point of contact, her wings flapped in counter motion to each other, and she turned a few degrees clockwise. She continued flapping and swiveled more.

Faster and faster she twirled her passion pit, all the while keeping it wrapped around his spear and magic helmet. The tension built, the pleasure grew, and she was soon a rainbow-topped blue blur giving his junk the spin cycle of a lifetime. The soft clouds kept their moans of ecstasy from escaping, but they couldn't contain everything. As Biff and Dash reached their peak, a light show corkscrewed out of the roof. The very first Rainbow Helix seen in Equestria spiraled upward and disappeared, leaving only a series of shockwaves. A gray pegasus who had been passing by was caught up in the turbulence and tumbled around quite a bit. She regained control much more quickly than she expected, landed, and waved her hoof in front of her face. “Ocular nerve input has been optimized,” she said. “Neat!”

When Dash stopped spinning, she slumped to the side, rolled off of Biff, and collapsed beside him. They were both soon unconscious. Biff later woke up to an eager mouth on his torpedo. He opened his eyes and looked towards his groin, expecting to see that Dash had recovered before he had. Scootaloo pulled her face away from his plug-and-play. “You taste like Rainbow Dash.”