Dude, I Am So HiE Right Now (a parody)

Chapter 7: Elements of Whore-Moaning

“I need to get laid, Spike.” The voice was feminine, frustrated, and just a little bitchy.

“What, again?” This voice was child-like, of indeterminate gender, and somewhat annoyed.

“Yes, again!” A purple unicorn stomped across the main floor of her library/home. Her bedroom was upstairs, and as far as she was concerned, her bed had been without a guest for far too long. “Do you realize how long it's been since anypony went spelunking in Sparkle Cave?”

A smaller form waddled behind her, some sort of stunted dinosaur-thing in a darker shade of purple. “You're disgusting.”

“Says the pervert who hides in the bushes across from the school! What would ponies say if they knew you liked draking off to little fillies? What would Rarity say? And anyway, I'm serious: do you know how long I've gone without?”

“Nearly a week.”

“Exactly! Nearly a week! Sweet Celestia, no wonder I'm so twitchy!” The pony was almost screaming.

The reptilian mutant grumbled, “I keep offering to give you a good spiking.”

The unicorn whirled around to face the short lump. “For the last time, Spike, no! Point one: you barely have any dong to speak of, and that's just sad. Point two: I grew up in Canterlot, and one of many things I learned in Canterlot is that you never boff the hired help.”

“I wasn't hired. You don't even pay me.”

“You're right. I only made your hatching possible. If it weren't for me, you might still be locked in hibernation in that egg, maybe for centuries, waiting for a big enough infusion of magic. It's a neat little defense mechanism, isn't it? The shell is nearly invulnerable until your parents hit it with enough energy to wake you up and break you out. It means the little ones stay safe from predators, even the orphans like you. But it also means I own your scaly ass! Now get me that copy of Sixty-six Super-sexy Summoning Spells for Saucy Sorceresses.”

The front door opened and Biff Studly walked in. “Hello? Is there a Twilight Sparkle here?”

The horny unicorn, Twilight, turned and inspected her visitor. “You're a human! I've read about those. I'm Twilight Sparkle. Can I help you?” She was pretty sure that he could help her; a human wasn't as exciting as what she had been planning, but it was still pretty damn exotic, plus he was already here. Besides, she could always summon a wi-a-bu tentacle beast some other time.

“My name is Biff, I'm not from around here, and all of your friends say you're my best bet for getting home 'cause you're a really powerful spellcaster. If I have to wait until you're done helping the frog, I understand.”

Spike looked ready to bite their visitor in the knees. “I am NOT a frog! I'm a dragon!”

“Oh. Well, I hope you feel better soon.”

“Gaaaah!” Spike stomped off.

Twilight spoke up. “He really is a dragon, you know.”

“Really? If you say so.” Biff didn't think it was likely, but realized that the little guy at least looked more a dragon than H.R. Pufnstuf did, not that that was saying much. Biff recalled thinking through his entire childhood that the Krofft character had been a deformed relative of Mayor McCheese. “Anyway, can you help me?”

“I don't know, but I'll try. It'll take a lot of research, studying, magical energy, and effort in general. Since I'll be doing you such a big favor, maybe you can do a favor for me?”

Biff had spotted the common denominator from his previous encounters. “Sex?”

The herbivore grinned like a carnivore. “Sex.”

“Sounds good to me.” It's not like it would be the first time I did the horizontal bop with a girl in exchange for her doing research for me. Biff had fond memories of his lab partners from various high school science classes.

“Fantastic! Let's go upstairs to my bedroom and you can scratch my itch.” Twilight led the way, flicking her tail like a windshield wiper. “Since it's my first time with a human, is it okay if I turn on the camera?”

“Camera?”

She giggled. “For science.”

“Just for science? Not for cheap thrills or for public distribution?”

The unicorn looked over her shoulder and winked. “Okay, some cheap thrills, but private use only. I promise.”

The bedroom was cozy, but the camera looked out of place compared to her surroundings, as well as almost everything else he had seen during his time in Equestria. It looked like a sleek and smooth digital model from back home. He learned otherwise, however, when Twilight tried to explain it to him while setting it up for their video shoot. He didn't understand half of what she was saying, but he could sum it up: it was magic so advanced that it appeared indistinguishable from technology.

She got the camera running and then hopped eagerly into bed. As he stripped, a glow from her horn turned into translucent bubble around them. “Soundproofing,” she explained. “I can get kind of noisy.”

Later, when they were both exhausted, she dropped the sound barrier and levitated a towel over to him. She then used her magic to clean the bedsheets while he wiped off his soaked forearms. “That was exactly what I needed. I'm not your first pony, am I?” She turned away from him and yelled, “Spike! We could use some energy drinks up here!”

“No, you're not. I've been with a few since I arrived, and they all say they're friends of yours.”

“No kidding? Good for them. Who should I thank for breaking you in?”

“Well, there was Fluttershy...”

“She finally got some? Great! Pinkie will probably want to throw her a party.”

“I also had sex with Pinkie Pie.”

“No surprise.”

“I spent the night with Applejack. And her siblings. And her grandmother.”

“The family that lays together stays together.”

“I also did it with Rainbow Dash...”

“Ha! I knew she wasn't a full-on lesbo! Rarity owes me ten bits!”

“Oh yeah, Rarity. She's seriously kinky.”

“She is? Details, please! I have to know what it was like when you fucked her!”

There was a crash from the top of the stairs followed by an agonized scream. Liquids in unnatural colors spilled from the tray that had been dropped to the floor. The alleged dragon ran forward. “You fucked Rarity, you bastard? She's mine! I'LL KILL YOU!”

Biff flinched and tried to use his arms to shield his face as the billowing green flames surged towards his head.