The Scholar's Laments

MY LOSS

There is a certain kind of solace to be found in my work. I wish that I could lose myself in it completely, it keeps me busy and my mind and heart occupied. As painful as the observation of ponies whose lives are actively being destroyed by the pride and arrogance of the Houses is, it is less torturous than confronting the demons that dwell within me… That rule my nights and my unfocused thoughts…

I can barely sleep for the nightmares that these demons bring to me… The dreams are frequent, recurring, and terrifying. In them I see my wife, Cherry Cream, and my son Free Cider as a little colt, bound in chains in the middle of a blazing bonfire, burning trees all around. Their manes blaze and their skins crackle and burn… They scream and fire catches in their throats, consuming them, turning them to skeletal figures, reducing them to ash… In the background, I hear laughter, a loud maniacal laugh as the flames writhe, and see the five traitor Elements standing around the bonfire, each of them with a chain in their mouth, the chains that bound my wife and Colt, each of them burning separate from the blaze, fire licking at their coats as well… And then I wake up, usually in a cold sweat, and get back to work.

But it is hard to focus after such dreams… My wife and colt are on my mind often now… While I was moving I was able to push them to the side, but now… Perhaps it is my guilt and shame that keep them burning in my nightmares and even in my waking hours so that they consume my every thought, the guilt and shame eating away at my heart, the thought, the idea that I might have… … that I could have… … … I suppose it’s best if I start at the beginning, to voice the form of this woe.

I met Cherry Cream a long time ago, while I was still a young stallion apprenticed under one of the Royal Scholars in Canterlot. She was the stunning young mare outside the Royal Equestria Library, running an ice-cream stand. She was also an Earth Pony, something I didn’t even think of at the time, something that didn’t become important to me until much later… I noticed her from the first day I spent at the Library, but avoided her for weeks because of my shyness. When I finally worked up the courage to buy ice-cream from her I made an awkward pass at conversation and proceeded to drop my purchase all over my hooves. She gave me a napkin and another free ice-cream for no extra charge, and she laughed so beautifully that I came back the next day, and the day after that, buying ice-cream from her, for really no reason than to have an excuse to interact with her.

It became a regular pattern. I would spend a bit for my regular order and we would speak. Briefly at first, as I was unable to get more than a single sentence out correctly when talking with her before I made a royal mess of my language. But as we continued to speak I slowly gained confidence, and was able to hold prolonged conversations with her. In the process of conversing with her I found that she was a truly intelligent and optimistic mare, full of great potential, and I couldn’t have been more enamored with her than when I listened to what she had to say. Her physical beauty and optimistic energy may have been what attracted me to her initially; however it was her positive spirit mixing with an active mind that caused me to fall in love.

I believe I dropped my ice-cream once more, stuttered heavily like an idiot, and sweat profusely when one day at her stand she asked me out on a date. Somehow she managed to guide me to suggesting a proper place and time, and then giving her assent, she cheerfully stated that she would look forward to seeing me later. I was immensely nervous to say the least however the date went… well. And so did the one after that. And the next three. And then the one after that… that one went very well indeed… …

Our courtship was a joyful one. I have many wonderful memories of it… When I finally got the courage up to propose, she gladly accepted, and we kissed and proceeded to- … well, we kissed. Engaged we set a wedding date, and as could have been expected, fate saved all the disaster usually accompanied with dating and proposal for the marriage day.

The cake showed up late, as did the priest, and there was a surprise unscheduled and accidental rainstorm on the day of our wedding that we’d scheduled for a nice sunny day in the Canterlot Gardens. The Wonderbolts quickly took care of the problem, however by then we were all thoroughly drenched, my tuxedo and her dress ruined. My best pony lost the ring, and spent the whole wedding searching for it so I forgave him the slip-up, and her father showed up to give his daughter away inebriated on hard cider. However when she grabbed me and kissed me, after insisting that the priest skip to the end due to constant practically nonsensical interruptions, the things that went wrong during the wedding no longer mattered, and only that one moment did… and we were married.

We spent many happy years together… Her ice-cream business expanded and grew into a respectable shop in Canterlot, and I became a full-fledged Royal Equestria Scholar. We had a beautiful little foal, Free Cider, an Earth Pony like his mother who grew up into a fine young colt over the years. Eventually I became the Chief Royal Equestria Scholar for the Princess, an honor higher than any I could have hoped for. I was there when Princess Luna returned to us, in Canterlot, and was one of the many who aided in the development and structuring of her rule upon her return. I was even there while Twilight Sparkle was studying beneath Celestia… I didn’t meet her much actually; however the few times I did I found her to be a rather clever, excited, and energetic little filly. She reminded me of myself in some ways; I recognized certain mental patterns that we shared, as well as a social awkwardness. For the most part I was simply background in her training, an occasional source of useful knowledge. Celestia had taken her under her wing to teach her personally, the most skilled and gracious of teachers one could ever have hoped for, as well as the highest honor, and highest trust, ever bestowed in the history of Equestria. And that is not an exaggeration, Twilight Sparkle had more honors and more of Celestia’s ear than any pony ever before her, as great a ruler as Celestia was. That she betrayed that…

In any event, Celestia gave me an assignment before she disappeared, an important one, that I felt honor and duty-bound to see through. The Princess’s assignment was… something best left unstated, even in these private logs at the moment. Suffice to say like all things it was for the good of Equestria, and unlike the wickedness of the Houses distorted visions, it was an undertaking of pure good, without compromising the values that led us to prosperity for so many years. However it required that I stay away from my home for a very long time, away from my wife and colt… It hurt being separated from them, but I took solace in that what I was doing was for their good. And then… Well, Celestia vanished. Luna as well… and everything changed.

I didn’t return at first, though my heart wept. My assignment was too important to leave on the matter of heart-ache alone. However, as I got word of increasing political instability in Canterlot, I abandoned the project that the Princess had entrusted to me, and rushed home. I do not feel guilty about this… I believe that she would have agreed with my choices in that situation. I arrived just in time to see what was happening… My unique skill-set allowed me to predict the course of events from the present data with close to perfect accuracy. And even then I had trouble believing what was going on… my mind required sensible, rational behavior that made sense within the rules of the world’s structure, and I still have trouble understanding the irrationality of other ponies, why they would behave in such a reprehensible and idiotic manner… But if there was anything I’d learned over time it was not to ignore the empirical evidence for how I thought the world should be structured. I knew that Canterlot would quickly become a dangerous place for Earth Ponies and Pegasi. And so I got my family out.

For a brief time we wandered, however after examining evidence, I brought us down to Appleloosa, and we lived there even as the Houses split and the Earthborn formed. We became part of the Earthborn, and lived there peacefully, safely… I saw the looks some ponies gave me, but my wife and colt were safe down there, protected. I was used to being alone, ostracized by others due to certain inefficiencies in my personality geared towards handling social situations, and the only thing I needed was the love of my family. I would be fine if they were fine.

I should have seen it coming… I continue to tell myself that. I didn’t see the evidence because I didn’t look for it, didn’t watch for it, but it was there… I blinded myself because I wanted everything to be alright. So when Applejack the Ever-Vigilant, the Element of Honesty, the one known for her integrity gave the order for Unicorn dehorning I was… … Well, shocked is too mild a word. I believe that we all were to some degree. The voices of ponies ready to attack me in that mob, and the voices of ponies ready to fight others for me, were very loud and all around me… I don’t handle crowds well, and the situation was such that my mental stability was shot to tatters in that moment. I nearly had a break down. And then Applejack uttered her secondary statement, giving us an escape route, perhaps trying to regain some semblance of morality, giving me time to get out… but not my family.

I packed my things, and as Cherry Cream and Free Cider attempted to pack theirs, I stopped them. I wanted them to be safe, and the military industrial engine of House Earthborn was promising in its potential to keep them safe, as was their territorial acquisition and victory over Moon and Star. Better they live in safety with the Earthborn than be taken as slaves by Moon and Star, even if that meant living without me. The argument that followed was tearful, heart-rending, and gut-wrenching. But I did what I felt I needed to. I hugged them goodbye, told them I loved them, and stepped out the door, leaving my wife and colt behind me… That was the single most painful moment of my life.

I went to the group escorts out of Earthborn territory… I left past the border and made my way up through Stormwing territory to Trottingham a neutral Settlement in the Northern Expansion. I was stopped and questioned many times on the way by Stormwing forces, however as I am not a Pegasus my neutrality in the war was acceptable to the Stormwing Hoplites, and they let me on my way.

I lived in Trottingham for some time, before the Cult began to infect it, keeping a watch on events but not recording, having… trouble, putting quill to paper on a subject so close to my heart. I kept a watch on my family, watched Free Cider grow, watched him curse my name for abandoning him, curse the Earthborn for forcing me out, get into trouble with other ponies and get taken in more than once for his reckless behavior… and I watched my wife sink into a deep depression. I watched her shun contact with other Earth Ponies as the anti-Unicorn sentiment grew and grew. I watched her stop eating, stop going to work, stop making ice-cream… And then I watched her slit her legs up and bleed out in a bathtub, with me miles and miles away, shouting at her to stop and her not being able to hear a word, unable to get to her, unable to stop her, unable to tell her any of the million things that might have made her feel loved… And as I stood there, tears running down my cheeks, staring at her body, I watched Free Cider walk in to find her in a tub of her own blood…

He blamed me of course, then he blamed the Earthborn, and then he blamed himself. He left everything behind and ran… ran past the border of the Earthborn lands, ran past the desert and the grass and straight into the wild Everfree forest… I have no seen him since. My magic is not powerful enough to pierce the veil of Everfree with the equipment available to me… I do not know what has become of him.

I left Trottingham after a week of mourning and self-abuse… I continued up further north, away from Equestria, away from… everything. I am still headed North, up to the mountains to continue my work, lose myself in the project and forget my guilt, my anguish, my rage… I know that Celestia would not approve of my giving in to my anger, I know she would not approve of my rage but… … My home was broken. My family shattered. Everything I ever cared about is now lost to me, and the Equestria I loved is dead… only the bitter memories of a life that was perfect and joyous remain to me, and the simple truth that my story is far from unique in this new Equestria fills me with even greater rage… What I did, whether right or wrong, and what I could have or should have done, are things that I am never, ever going to stop questioning. But I do not question who the ones responsible for breaking my world are. The traitor Elements, the ones we trusted, the ones we loved… I am never going to forgive them. Even if Celestia herself were to return and pardon them for what they’ve done to us… I will not forgive them. And how little that matters in the course of things does nothing but further my anguish…