What Am I Doing Here?

Hello again. It's been roughly a week since I began working at Sweet Apple Acres. I never again did the stupid thing and just kept using my legs to buck the apples down. With my added help, we can have a field cleared in a few days. The pay is great as well. AJ says it's because I'm a hard worker, but I beg to differ. I'm one of the laziest people in existence. But if I have a goal and I really wanted to reach it, I can do anything. And my goal was massive.

Setting up a date with Rose.

Now, I know you're probably seeing that as a minor problem. But I don't. The problem is that I'm over 3000 years old yet I still have the mind of a teenager. Back on Earth I never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend and I was a virgin. Well, I just realized I never told anypony about that. Ah, don't need the extra hate then I have for being an alien. Diamond Tiara recovered from her mental seizure or whatever. Applebloom didn't sonic her for long enough to have a permanent effect.

Now, I have never wanted someone dead in my life until I met this bitch. I only wanted to severely injure people before but I genuinely wish to murder this filly.

Moving on from that topic, I gave Applebloom her screwdriver back and all she uses it for is locks and, very rarely, a piece of tech. I decided to ask Twilight if she would be interested in helping me obtain the materials to build a super computer. I know what goes into it but I can't program it. That'll be Twilight's job.

Moving on once again.

So, going on from what I was saying, I have never had a partner. So which means I have no fucking clue on what a date is meant to be like. So, I had to resort to drastic measures...

Asking for help from a mare.

And not just any mare, no no no. This mare had to know her stuff about socializing and dating. This mare had to be one of my friends. This mare...

...had to be Rarity.

Now, I'm only assuming Rarity would be one to know what a good date is like. It was the process of elimination.

Applejack just doesn't seem like the dating type. Fluttershy probably is scared of dates. Twilight is too....nerdy.

Look, I know that just came from a Pokemon geek. Shut it.

Rainbow's idea of a date is probably a few laps around the block. Pinkie Pie's idea of a date would be a party so no thanks. I landed on Rarity because she just looked and acted like the type who knows this stuff. Then again, I could ask Chrysalis but she's been avoiding me lately.

Do I stink or something?

Well, the problem with asking Rarity is that it is a bit embarrassing to ask anypony about this kind of stuff. So, that's why I was nervous when I was hangin' outside the Carousel Boutique staring at the front doors like a dog waiting to be fed. Did I forget to mention I had a dog on Earth? Her name was Tess.

Fuckin' hell she was annoying.

Anyway, my hand was shaking when I lifted it to knock on the doors of the boutique. I knocked twice and heard some crashing noises come from inside. Why do I always hear that whenever I knocked on a door? Sounds like there must be like 50 tonnes of pure bullshit separating the door from the owner. The door opened and the white diva was revealed. She looked up to me with confusion. Can't blame her, I showed up uninvited. Then again, how do I call her and tell her "Oi, Rarity? I'm comin' ova with a slab, ya hear?" when there's no phones or anything?

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh wait a minute. I'm over three fuckin' thousand years old. I can drink now!

Then again, I used to drink rarely on Earth but all my dad had was VB which tasted like piss. I hope to the mother of fuck that these ponies had liquor.

Anyway, Rarity had opened the door and looked really confused as to why I am here.

"Crystal? What is it that you want?"

I groaned and scratched the back of my head nervously.

"Hey. Rarity. Mind if I come inside?"

She nods and moves to the side to allow me to enter the building. She closes the door behind me and walks to my front.

"What is it, darling?"

I lightly chuckled and clapped my hands together. I do that a lot.

"Well, Rarity. I need some help with something."

She smiles at me and giggles a little.

"Well, what is it?"

I took a massive breath and exhaled it slowly.

"I need dating advice."

For what felt like a minute, Rarity stared at me like I was an idiot. I sighed and turned with a wave of my hand.

"Thanks for the help."

I felt something grip my hand and I knew she was using her telekinesis on my hand, pulling me back.

"No wait! Sorry darling. You just caught me off guard. Now, why on Equestria would you need dating advice?"

I turn and groaned.

"C'mon, Rarity. Do I honestly look like I've ever had a girlfriend or a boyfriend before?"

She shakes her head very slowly before pointing a hoof at me.

"Why did you add boyfriend?"

I swear if she's a homophobic I'm leaving this world and I'm taking Rose and the fillies with me.  I slumped my arms to my sides before raising my left hand to my face and pinching the bridge of my nose.

"I am a bisexual. So, we can have either."

I lower my hand and see her beaming at me.

Okay, she's the complete opposite.

"Oh, really? I didn't know that. Now, we're going off topic. Again, why would you need dating advice? You're a creative young man."

I chuckle and shake my head.

"I ain't young anymore."

She laughs and nods.

"Nevertheless, you're creative. You'll think of something."

I facepalm.

"The entire reason I came to you for help was because I figured you'd tell me what to do because I want her to be happy wherever I ta-"

"You don't understand how much she loves you, do you?"

I flinched and shook my head.

"Not entirely."

She smiles and starts nudging me out the front doors.

"Well, she loves you so much that no matter where you take her or what you do as long as she's with you, she'll be happy."

I turn to her as she shoves me out the building. I look up in thought and when I landed on an idea, I nodded and looked down to her.

"I think I'm set."

She smiles and lightly punches my leg.

"Go get her, tiger."

She walks back into her boutique and closes the door, leaving me in complete shock.

How in the living fuck does she know that saying?! It's from fuckin' Spider Man!

Look, whatever. I started walking towards Rose's house while humming the Doctor Who theme song. About halfway through my trip, I decided to go through the market instead. I have a serious need for a slab of stubbies.

-----Later That Day------

Fuck. I found out a few things today. One, ponies do indeed have beer and wine and whiskey and all that shit. Two, it takes a fuck ton of alcohol to get me drunk. Three, too much alcohol makes you sick.

Anyway, I'm in the kitchen making some sandwiches for myself because alcohol makes me hungry apparently. I've never been drunk or had so much before, so this is all new to me. It took a lot of convincing to buy the stuff in the first place, but I'm a persuasive guy.

That and I had a lock knife.

Joking. I explained my age and the stallion happily gave me the good stuff.

But I do have a lock knife in my pocket. As for my DSi and screwdriver, both are in Rose's room. I sorta moved my bag into her room considering I now sleep there all the time. All I have with me is my knife, screwdriver, DSi and laptop. Those are all my possessions. Fuck, I better buy some stuff for myself. Like what? Ah well, I'll think of something.

Anyway, sandwiches. I sit down on the floor and start munchin' away at my sandwiches. Forgot what I put in 'em, but who cares. I had put the beers in the fridge and have now stayed far far away from them. They are the devils piss in cans and I shall never touch another.

I need to stop lying to myself.

Okay, so while I was finishing off the last of the sandwiches, Rose decided to walk into the kitchen.

"Hey, Crystal. How are ya?"

She walks over to me and gives me a hug.

I wish she didn't.

Almost immediately, she pulled away with a disgusted look on her face.

"What?"

She leans in and smells my jacket.

Oh shit. She smells the beer. She pulls away and gags.

"You smell like beer! Have you been drinking?!"

I looked down and started playing with my fingers. She let's go of me and walks over to the fridge. She turns to me with a unamused look.

"If I open this will I find beer?"

All I could do was keep playing with my fingers as she flung the fridge open and gasped. She closed the fridge door and stomped over to me in a huff. I looked up at her from my position and shrug.

"What? I'm old enough to drink!"

She shakes her head and rested her hoof on my hand.

"Yes, but you still think like a teenager. Which means that the alcohol affects your mind like a teenagers mind."

God damnnit why does she have to make sense. She walks past me and exits the room.

"You're forbidden to drink any more!"

I nod and rubbed my head.

"Waaaay ahead of you."

-----That Night------

Taking Rarity's advice, I got creative. Of course I had a shower and cleaned off the beer smell. I'm not drinking again until my mind is 18.

Moving on, I was waiting for Rose to come down to get our date going. All I had to wear was my original shirt and jacket I came here with along with my blue pants. I had no idea what she was doing, but whatever. Gave me time to think through what I've set up. I heard a door upstairs open and close then I saw her come down. She wasn't wearing anything, so wait a minute.

"What were you doing up there?"

She giggles and puts a hoof to her mouth to symbolize silence. I rolled my eyes and opened the door. As she went through I shook my head in disbelief.

"Girls."

I walk out with her and close the door behind me. Rose bows to me and I laugh.

"Jesus. Don't treat me like royalty."

She stands up and I start walking to our destination. We walked through the dark town and got to the park. The exact same park where the fillies and I normally sit and talk. I walk over to the bench and sit down. I lean back and look up at the night sky. Rose sits next to me and eyes me weirdly.

"What are we doing?"

I smile and looked to her.

"Back on Earth I did this whenever I wanted to think, or if I got bored. I just stared at the night sky, marvelling in its beauty. The stars amaze me."

Rose smiled and leaned back, looking up at the night sky with me. I tried making out constellations and tried spotting which stars are closer, which ones are dying and so on and so forth. This continued on for a while until we heard a new voice.

"Greetings, Crystal."

I looked down from my star gazing and saw a pega- wait she had a horn...

Another princess? Seriously? How many do you need? And where the fuck is the king and queen?

I nodded to her as a greeting.

"G'day."

She looked confused at my remark.

"Is that an insult?"

I laugh and shake my head.

"No no no. It's a greeting from Earth. How did you know my name?"

She smiles and steps closer. She was right in front of me now.

"I can see into others dreams. I saw your dream and I got some information about you."

I dislike her already. Going through my dreams? Uncool.

"Well, that and my sister Celestia told me about you."

Okay, I misjudged her. And besides, I'm a weird alien thingy. I think if I had her ability to see others dreams I would do it to see a mysterious aliens thoughts.

I smile and jump up from my seat and held a hand out to her.

"And your name?"

She looks at my hand before grabbing and shaking it.

"Princess Luna."

This was the princess I wanted to meet. The one that makes the night sky. I looked up to the stars and sighed with relief.

"Your sky is beautiful tonight, princess. Although, you could make some changes."

I looked down to her and she was looking to me with curiosity and worry.

"What!? Did I do something wrong?!"

I laughed and shook my head.

"No, nothing's wrong. Everything is perfect about the sky. But it could use some constellations."

She looked at me like Rarity did when I asked her for advice. Like an idiot. I face palm and wrap a arm around her shoulder, using the other to motion the the sky.

"A constellation is when the stars form to make pictures. Now, can you move the stars from here?"

She nodded slowly and I grin wickedly.

"Right."

I point my hand to various stars.

"Move this one here, this other one here, that one there, that one here, and this one there."

She nods and closes her eyes. Her horn lights up and I saw the stars move to my locations. She looks up to the creation. I draw lines from each star, showing the picture.

"That's a constellation. That one in specific is called The Southern Cross, which is only visible in the southern hemisphere."'

She smiles and jumps up with laughter.

"I understand now! Thank you, Crystal! I shall go and tell Tia about this!"

Oh, Celestia. The next time I see you I'm pulling out the "Tia" Card.

She flies up and out of my vision towards Canterlot. Or what I suspected was Canterlot. Nopony has told me where it is but I assume it's that massive fucking castle on the mountain. I grin and slump back in the bench, looking over to Rose. She was looking at me with disbelief.

"You...Princess Luna....Bah...Wah...."

I reach over and pat her shoulder.

"Wanna go home, now? This was all I had planned. Sorry."

She snaps out of her trance and shakes her head.

"No, this was nice. Thanks, Crystal."

She jumps over and wraps me in a hug. I get up, still holding her in my arms, and start walking home.