The Tale of The Stone-turner

We knew exactly where to go. It seems that ten more minutes of wandering was more than enough for the pegasus Gilda was carrying and he 'remembered' that he knew where the hospital was. After I was able to save a fair number of his feathers from Gilda, he was more than kind enough to guide us there. That was a wise decision on his part.

The hospital itself was a very large multistory building with equally large double doors for an entrance. Gilda was visibly nervous just being in front of it.

“Do you have some sort of fear of hospitals or something?”

“N-NO! What kind of a wuss would be afraid of hospitals?”

“Alright then let's get in there.” I began towards the doors.

“WAIT!” I stopped and turned towards the gryphon, the pegasus in her arms rolled his eyes.

“Something the matter, Gilda?” She looked towards the ground and ruffled her feathers slightly.

“I might.. I might be just a little bit.. not comfortable around needles.. But I'm not a chicken or anything!” The pegasus in her arms gave a small snort before remembering who was the one holding him and quickly showed that he had the common sense to be afraid, glancing towards his wings. Lucky for him Gilda didn't seem to notice his snort.

“Well, there's nothing wrong with that.” I adjusted my hold on the two pegasi slightly. “I'm scared shitless of a few things myself.”

“Like what?”

“Falling.”

“Falling?”

“Yes, falling.”

“You don't mean heights?”

“No, there's nothing wrong with heights. It's falling off those heights that fills me with terror.” I turned away from the gryphon and towards the building. “Besides, I doubt they're going to make you even touch a needle if you don't want to, so let's just get in there and get all this over with so I can sleep before the sun rises.”

“Ugh, fine. But if I so much as see a needle, I'm bailin'.” I chuckled and led our way inside.

The interior of the hospital was.. well it was a hospital; sanitary, boring, a counter, waiting chairs, and seeming as if past the lobby there was nothing but hallways. Seated behind the counter was a white earth pony mare with a pink mane. As I approached the counter the pony looked up, first at me, then the pegasi in my arms, then at Gilda and her wing, then the pegasus she was carrying. Her eyes widened a little further with each small movement of the head.

“I'll go get a doctor.” The pony quickly galloped out from behind the counter and down a hall.

“Well look at that, I didn't even have to ask.”

“Probably because you look like a carriage ran you over.” The pegasus chuckled at his own 'wit' and I turned to face him and the one holding him.

“You know Gilda, I only said you have to carry him to the hospital.” My ears enjoyed the soothing sound of a 'thunk' as pony met floor followed by a couple clicks as a gryphon dropped onto all fours. The pegasus let out several complaints but made no effort to lift himself from the ground.

*Squeaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueak* The fuck is... Suddenly three beds on wheels, pushed by very large stallions in scrubs, rolled into lobby; each one had a pegasus loaded onto it, two of which were taken from under my arms before I could even understand what was happening, and then were promptly wheeled away.

“I guess the doctor was ready for them.”

“So we can go now?”

“No we can't, YOU still need that wing looked at.” I emphasized my words with a pointing finger.

“It'll be fine, I can barely even feel it.” Experimentally I flicked the wing. “SCREEEEEEOOOOWWW!!!” Gilda reared up onto her hind legs and glared at me as I smirked. “What was that for!?”

“I thought you could barely even feel it.” She dropped back down and huffed at me.

“It might be just a little uncomfortable. But I can deal with it.” There was the clip-clop of hooves on tile as a pair of doctor ponies entered, one unicorn the other earth.

“Are you two the patients?” The unicorn asked.

“She's a patient” I pointed at my gryphon acquaintance. “I'm just bruised and tired.”

“I'm fine, it's nothing to worry abou- *flick* SCREEEEEEOOOOOW! Will you stop that!?”

“You won't have to worry about it once you let a doctor fix you up.”

“FINE!” Gilda stomped, I guess stomping is what you would call it anyway, past the doctors and down a hallway “Let's just get this over with!” The unicorn turned around and quickly caught up with her.

“And what about you, sir?” Huh, oh that's right, the other pony doctor is still here.

“I'm just bruised, but otherwise I'm perfectly fine.. as far as I know.”

“Are you certain?” The pony looked me up and down.. mostly up.

“I'm pretty sure, although if I wasn't I doubt pony doctors would know enough about us humans to diagnose or treat anything.” The pony frowned in thought for just a moment.

“That would be a definite problem for you, wouldn't it?”

“A small one, but I don't plan on getting sick or injured.”

“Nopony ever does.” He grinned up at me. “But I think, since you're already in the hospital, we should take measures to aid with that situation before it arises.”

“Huh?”

“To put it simply, you come with me and we run some tests and take samples of you in your current healthy state so we have records on file of how things should look. That way should something occur, Celestia forbid, we would have something to compare your conditions to and be able to do more than guess in the dark.”

“That.. Is a genius idea, no wonder you're a doctor.” The pony doctor smiled at me. “Let's do it.”

I hadn't even considered before what might happen if I got injured or sick so severely it would require medical attention, but even if I am giving the doctors something to work with in advanced I'd best try not to fuck up and injure myself horribly. I frowned at thoughts of myself with some stupid injury and dying from it because the doctors had no idea how to treat me.

“Are you alright sir?”

“Yea, just realizing my own mortality and how easily a lack of expertise on human medical treatment could get me killed.”

“Ah.”

“Say, do pony hospitals have lollipops?”

I laid back on one of the lobby benches to enjoy the sweet cherry flavor in my mouth. I just stared at the ceiling, idle thoughts drifting into my mind but staying for only a moment. Slowly my eyes became heavier and I nodded off.

I had that same dream. It felt like I should be learning something from it, but each time I come close to figuring out what it is I just choke. As I ate the various pieces of flesh in my dream, I could feel them get caught in my throat as I tried to work out why I felt compelled to eat them. It began to feel an aching pain in my esophagus and slowly the world seemed to break away.

I opened my eyes.. HOLY SHIT I'M ACTUALLY CHOKING! I sat up quickly, coughing and gagging as I did so. Doubling over I brought my fist against my chest several times and somehow managed to hack up that damned lollipop.

“Ugh.” I glared down at the sweet assassin laying in the small puddle of my throat-juice on the tile. “No more late-night lollipops.. Well, maybe no more cherry ones.”

With nothing to give my annoyed groan to, I let it drift into the air as I picked up the lollipop and walked it to the nearest trash receptacle. A small voice broke the silence of the room while simultaneously causing my feet to rocket off of the ground.

“Err.. Sir? Is.. Is everything alright?”

I quickly looked towards the origin point of the question, it was the white earth pony from earlier.

“Just fine! I think I might have just had a mild heart attack from sheer surprise but aside from that I'm peachy.” The pony raised an eyebrow.

“W-was that a joke or did you really have a heart attack, Sir?” I was completely incapable of stopping the face-palm from happening.

“It was a joke..”

“Oh.”

“So miss pony, what's the status on my feathered friends?”

“Pardon?”

“How are the gryphon and three pegasi I came in with doing?” The pony became noticeably more comfortable, evidently talking about patients was much closer to her area of expertise than speaking with a creature such as myself.

“Each of them has been thoroughly examined and treated. They're all getting bed rest right now so if you want to visit them, you'll need to come back later.”

“Fair enough.” I returned to the lobby bench and laid back upon it. “I can wait till they're up.”

“Er.. Alright, they will most likely be asleep for several hours still. But, if you want to wait there's no reason you can't.”

“I know there's no reason I can't, that's why I'm doing it.”

“Right..”

I closed my eyes and relaxed towards sleep as the pony left me alone.

FEAST!

Seriously? This dream again?

FEAST?

Yea, whatever.

I awoke from the dream for the third time and declared that lobby benches were even more uncomfortable than not-beds. After rolling into a fall off the bench with the grace of a dead yak, I climbed to my feet and approached the reception desk. Oh look a new pony, guess the other one had her shift end. I leaned over the desk to speak with this new pony, who seemed to very focused on a familiar looking book.

“Excuse me, three pegasi and a gryphon were admitted last night and I would like to visit them.” The pony didn't even look up from her book as she replied.

“The pegasi left earlier this mornin', the gryphon is still in her room. Room fifteen, just go down the hallway with the blue line, it's on the right side.”

“Thank you.”

Following the blue line I made my way to Gilda's room to ensure she was OK and then I could leave with all my post-fight obligations completed. After finding the door with the large fifteen on it, I strolled into the room to see how bad a shape the gryphon was in. She was lying in a large bed, a cast poking out of one side of the sheets, awake and staring at the ceiling.

“Why hello there feathered one.” I cheerily greeted the gryphon. “How's the wing.” She seemed a bit zoned out as she stared at the tiles overhead.

“Two weeks...”

“Two weeks?”

“Two weeks until they can take the cast off.”

“Well that's not that lon-

“Six weeks until it's well enough for me to fly long distance.”

“Err.. You don't have to fly any long distances do you?”

“I live on a mountain top that's normally a seven hour flight if the wind's in my favor.”

“So that's a.. maybe?” Now I'm not the best at reading facial expressions that involve beaks, but I'm fairly certain this one said, 'Are you a fucking idiot?'

“Are you a fucking idiot?” Nailed it!

“So then, I suppose you're stuck in town for those six weeks?” I expertly changed the subject away from my idiocy.

“Yea..” The gryphon leaned forward and sighed into herself. “I shouldn't have been so stupid and gotten myself into a fight.”

“Maybe you should look at the plus side.” I casually hooked my foot under a small stool against the wall and dragged it to the bed before sitting upon it. “You have plenty of time to work up the nerve to apologize to Rainbow Dash.” I think a feather or two flew off her head from the sheer speed of it turning towards me.

“How did you- oh right, I only sobbed about it to everyone in the bar.” She shook her head sadly. “I bet half of this lame-o town has already heard about what a loser I am.” I started to lean back, but then remembered I was on a stool and not a chair and quickly rocked forwards before I fell off.

“I wouldn't worry too much about that. There were only six ponies at the bar including Stale and I don't think those three pegasi are going to want to tell anypony about how they got their flanks handed to them by a gryphon before the Stone-turner could break up the fight.” I touched my finger to my chin in thought. “Actually even if told from the losing side that sounds like a bit of a bad-ass story...” At this point I did in fact forget stools are not chairs and leaned back far enough to fall off it like a dumb-ass. Apparently the gryphon found enough amusement in this act to laugh at my expense. “Stupid furniture is out to get me.” I knocked the stool back against the wall as I clumsily got back to my feet. “I'm glad you can find amusement in my eternal struggle with that cruel bitch known as gravity, but if you don't mind my asking, what exactly do you need to apologize to Rainbow for?”

“I'd.. I'd prefer not to talk about, I acted like a completely feather-brained jerk and I would rather put it behind me.”

“Fair enough.” I stretched out my back until a couple of pops came out of it. “I suppose I shall leave you to your hospital bed-rest recovery type.. stuff. Should you need me for anything while you're stuck in town you can usually find me at the library or working at the Salted Stallion. Farewell Gilda.” And with that I turned and left the room.

~Time skipping now boys and girls~

It had been a little over a week since my first night's work in Ponyville and things had fallen into a pattern of sorts. I would wake up each morning from the same damned dream, barely less tired than the night before, and spend my off hours meandering around the town or hanging out with ponies, who had begun to accept that I was going to be a part of the town.

“FEAST”

Alright, awake time. I yawned as I woke from the usual dream, not feeling the least bit rested. With a zombie-like sense of purpose I dressed myself in one of my outfits, having spent some of the newly acquired bits from my first 'paycheck', ponies don't actually have a checking system I was just handed a bag of bits, on exact copies of my first one from Rarity, and climbed the stairs to greet the rest of the waking world.

Ugh, bright colors and sunshine. Pony world is not kind to those without adequate sleep. I began to get my brain started by mentally going thru what I needed to get done, while my body went about the usual morning rituals in a mechanical fashion.

Hmm, should probably take my bit bag with me, just in case. I think it's about ten in the morning if my sun judging is accurate. Well no work today so I have plenty of time to get things done. Let's go get the day star-THE LIGHT, IT BURNS!!

I shielded my eyes from the brightness of the sun as I stood in the doorway of the library, definitely not kind to the sleep deprived. Stepping out of the entryway, I idly wished I had some form of sunglasses or something to keep that evil ball of fire known as the sun from blinding me. Wait, I have a cloak, quickly I pulled my hood up and tilted my head slightly downwards, excellent.

Strolling down the streets of town, now nicely protected from that damned sun and it's 'life giving' morning rays, I waved towards any ponies I happened to pass as I headed for the bulletin board I needed. It didn't take me too long to find my destination, I had actually learned not only how to not get lost in town, but also how to get where I needed to be quickly. A cold wind blew past me, causing me to wrap my cloak a little tighter around myself, the pegasi had scheduled a storm for this afternoon and I could already tell it would suck immensely to get caught out in it. I sauntered up to the bulletin board and checked the label on it: yup, this was the residency board, where ponies would post if they needed roommates or a place was for rent.

I took note of several places listed that fit within my budget without an absurd number of residents, one place actually had twelve ponies in one house and was looking for four more roommates, and I silently cursed myself for not bringing quill and parchment as I tried to memorize all the addresses. I quickly gave up on that. With a sigh, I jogged all the way back to the library; I grabbed a quill, one of the smallest bottles of ink, and some paper, then I jogged right back to the bulletin board, complaining to myself the entire way.

I am bad at writing with a quill; I am worse at writing with quill while balanced on one leg and using the other leg as a makeshift desk that I can write on. After several holes, large splotches of ink, and words spoken that would make a sailor cough in embarrassment, I had a somewhat legible copy of the addresses I was interested in.

I carefully blew onto the parchment a couple of times so the ink would dry before rolling it up and sticking it halfway in my bit bag I had hanging from my waist. Now I just had to avoid getting caught out in the rain. I looked upwards at the sky which had become almost completely filled with clouds, the pegasus were not slouches when it came to getting storms in on time. I still had a little time to get ba-

“YEAAAAAH!”

I watched in horror as a vastly over-muscled white pegasus used his front hooves to punch the fucking clouds. It began to rain, hard. Fuckin' pegasi had to be well organized and on schedule. I trudged back towards the library, not avoiding the mud patches as well as I could have, when I spotted three familiar little fillies.

“Crusaders!” I held open my cloak with an arm, the fillies quickly scampered into the slightly rainless area it provided. “You three get caught out in the rain?” They each shook the water off themselves and their fur actually puffed out, adorable.

“Yah, we was tryin' to figure out where we should have our crusaders meetin' till the storm was over..” Applebloom started.

“But we kinda started arguing and..” Scootaloo interrupted.

“We forgot when the rain was scheduled for and got stuck out in it!” I winced slightly at a voice crack as Sweetie Belle finished.

I shuddered slightly, my cloak was getting soaked enough for me to feel the water. “Well then, little ponies, since I can't just let you get drenched in this rain; I shall keep you as dry as I can and escort you to your destination. So, where to?”

“The boutique!”

“The clubhouse!”

“The Barn!”

I could not see this going in a direction I would enjoy...

“Boutique!”

“Clubhouse!”

“Ah'm tellin' ya the barn would be best!”

“The boutique has the most for us to do inside!”

“No place is cooler than the clubhouse!”

Right, I'm not letting this escalate. “Girls.”

“The boutique!”

“The clubhouse!”

“The ba-

“GIRLS!” Well, that put the bickering to a grinding halt. “Since you three can't seem to decide I shall decide for you, and the boutique is closest.”

“Are you sure it's closest?” Scootaloo inquired. I looked over at the building sitting about thirty feet from us.

“Pretty da- Pretty darn sure..” I made a slight effort to watch my language around the fillies, though little pony children spouting obscenities would be hilarious. I moved so we were facing the boutique, the ponies let out a collective 'oh' and we moved up to the entrance.

I knocked lightly on the door before opening it, a familiar voiced called out from somewhere in the back.

“Be right there in a moment!”

The crusaders rushed inside and got busy having some kind of meeting, pony children are now safely out of the rain. Rarity is clearly home, so I should probably stick around to say hiaiaiaiaaa... that is a lot of mud. I gulped as I looked at the trail of filth leading from the door to the crusaders' hooves then down at the mud gathered around my own feet. I quickly backed out of the boutique, shutting the door behind me, and took off in a full sprint for the library; there are much less painful ways to commit suicide than to stick around there until Rarity discovers the mud.

Stopping at the door to the tree home of knowledge, I heard what could only be described as the angry scream of an elder god who's domain had been sullied; poor fillies, I will be sure to say something nice at their funeral.