The Tale of The Stone-turner

My cloak was sopping wet by the time I entered the library and it felt as though I was wearing a giant sponge. I carefully removed the cloak as I stepped into the tree, I would have to hang it up over the tub so it could dry. I grinned stupidly to myself as I noticed Twilight standing before a desk, her snout buried deep into a book with several others floating around her, she must have been researching something and as far as I could tell was too engrossed with it to even notice me entering. This is the perfect chance to do something stupid..

Stealthily I moved up behind the unicorn, removing my cloak to hold bundled up in my hands, and tried my best to hold back my snickering as I raised my hands up over her neck. I squeezed my cloak, a thin trail of icy cold water pouring out of it and onto the back of her neck.

“EEEEK!”

Hah, that was grea- OOF! I fell to my knees in sudden intense pain, my world shifted and I felt as though I should vomit repeatedly. All of this is a perfectly understandable amount of sensory overload as I just received a pair of hooves, courtesy of a startled Twilight, straight to my.. well, it rests below the belt and above the knees... Twilight turned to face me, her look of annoyance quickly changing to concern, I think she could tell I was in pain.

“Stone? Stone are you alright?”

“I-ice... please...” It took all I had in me to just wheeze out that plea. I curled forward and rested my forehead against the floor as the sound of Twilight's hooves rushing towards the kitchen filled the air.

“Just hold on Stone I'll get- ack! Sorry Spike, gotta get ice!”

I closed my eyes, focusing on the sound of running water from the kitchen, I guess I have to wait for my ice to freeze, barely registering the slight slapping of hind-claws on wood.

“Dude, what happened?” I slowly turned my head towards the question, opening one eye to look at the young dragon.

“Hooves.. crotch.. met each other, hooves hurt.” The dragon winced at my poor excuse for a sentence.

“Yikes, good thing there's always a hard scale sheath to protect you, right?”

“Humans... don't have...” I didn't even have to force out the last word, I could tell he understood from how pale his scales went.

“So you mean you just took a hit without...” I nodded a weak confirmation. Spike turned towards the kitchen.“Twilight you should probably hurry with that ice!” He turned back to me and placed a small claw on my shoulder, “Don't worry bud, you're gonna be alright.” Spike is now my favorite dragon, hands down; also, ignore the fact I have not met any other dragons.

There was a small thud as a pitcher was set down beside me, I looked up to find Twilight had returned from the kitchen. I managed to lift myself up enough to grasp the pitcher and peer inside it; yup, she just filled it with water and froze it. Gotta say, that magic is pretty cool. I upturned the pitcher and shook out the large block of ice.

I glared at the chunk of ice, how exactly was I to make use of this? “Twilight? Could you crush the ice block please?”

“Umm, OK” I watched as she put a hoof on the ice and leaned her weight on it.. It didn't even crack.

“Wonderful job Twilight, you're a natural. Step off of it please.” When she complied I grabbed the ice by the top, lifted it into the air, then slammed back down against the floor. Several cracks ran out across its surface, so I set it back down on the floor. “Would you give it a second try?” She carefully placed her hoof on top of the block once more and tried leaning her weight on it again; it quickly became nothing more than a pile of crushed ice bits.

“How's that?”

“Perfect.” At this point the pain itself had dulled quite a bit, but not nearly as much as I would have liked. I scooped up a handful of the ice and did the most tasteful thing I could, I dumped it down the front of my pants. The steam that rose was almost as loud as my sigh of relief, almost.

Twilight eyed the steam warily. “Is that normal?”

“In this situation, I'm just gonna say it is and roll with it.”

The rest of the rainy day was spent with a relative amount of uneventfulness. We all just laid about the place, reading our own choice of book. Twilight was reading some large text on magical history or something like that, Spike was reading a book on magical birds, and I was reading the last Stallion and Saddles book that had been released. It filled me with a great amounts of joy, sadness, and rage; it was beautiful.

FEAST!

I looked up from gnawing on my own hand. “You know, that is getting really annoying.”

Feast.

I gave a roll of the eyes. “Yes bodiless voice, feast, what do you think this self-cannibalism is? I have eaten my own body several times each night for the past week now,” I gave my hand another healthy crunch and chewed the bones and meat sloppily as I spoke, “and I don't see this crazy dream going anywhere or gaining any sort of meaning.”

…

“What, no more 'Feast'?”

…

“Fine then, been a while since I could dream in silence anyways..” I bit down to my wrist. “Wait, why am I eating myself anyway?”

Ga- Gain.. Mo-m-mo-more...

“Come on, spit it out.”

Powers.

“See was that so ha- wait, what?”

Two.. Is not.. Enough.

“Two!?”

…

“What, two!? I've only got the one!”

…

“What the fuck do you mean by two!?”

…

“Answer me-” It was at that point my eyes shot open. “DAMMIT!”

Apparently shouting 'dammit' at four in the morning is a good way to wake up the inhabitants of the home you're in and it left me having to explain what all the yelling was about to Twilight and Spike.

“So, you're telling me that you might have a second power, and you don't know what it is!?” Twilight was not exactly thrilled with what my dream told me.

“If the dream isn't just a dream, yes. That is exactly what I'm saying.”

“Stone, it's never just a dream, or an old mare's tale, or an interesting statue, it's always something dangerous or deadly that could threaten Equestria as we know it!”

“You really think a second power is something that could threaten all of Equestria?”

“One power was enough to petrify half of Equestria, wasn't it?”

“Point taken.” I look upwards for a moment as the wheels of my brain began to start up. “Well, I think we can assume the power is either a passive one, one that has a near unnoticeable effect, or is under my control.”

“And why can we assume that?”

“Well, if it works the same way as my petrification power did, I'm fairly certain that sack shot yesterday would have definitely set it off.”

“Sack shot? What is a-” Her face paled. “Ooooh..”

“Sooo, yea.. it's not a threat as far as I can tell.”

“Well, what do you want to do about it?”

“Do about it?”

“Yes, how are we going to take care of this issue?”

“There's no issue to take care of.”

“What!?”

“The power isn't active as far as we can tell, I have no idea how to activate it even if we knew what it was, and as far as I am concerned it would just be a hassle to figure out, so why bother with it?”

“But- but- We should at least send a letter to The Princess about you having another power.”

“Well, you can if you want to. But, I see no reason to even bother; it doesn't really change anything drastically.” I stood and went to get my daily routines started.

“But-but-but THAT'S JUST IRRESPONSIBLE!”

I gave an overhead wave of the hand. “Yup, sure is.”

The hours after the discussion were planned to be spent checking out the addresses on my little list, well the ones without holes in them, or ink blobs covering them, or where the rain made the ink run to the point it was unreadable. I peered up from my list, which I had been constantly checking to ensure I knew which address I was looking for, this was the first house to check with.

“Let's see, this is the one, right on the corner of Second Street and.. ugh, Mane Street.. fucking horse puns.”

The house itself was very nice, at least from the outside. The paint was unmarred and bright, the yard neatly trimmed, and the fence was sitting up straight as an arrow. There was even a pony outside watering the plants. Wait, I think I know that pony, she's a regular at the bar. Cream coat coloring, blueish and pink mane, three candies on the flank, it's Berry Punch! No wait, that's not it.. It's Bon Bon, yea, that one. I was about to call out to Bon Bon when something in the back of my mind told me to stop. Naturally I had to question why I wouldn't want to call out and the response I could come up with for myself was that Bon Bon had a roommate, she's talked about her several times at the Salted Stallion. That wasn't much of a reason, so I nearly called out again when my brain reminded her roommate was a teal unicorn. Why does that scare me so damn much? What teal unicorn do I kno- LYRA. As soon as I connected all the dots I moved away from that house faster than even an animation zip line could portray.

The next house on my list was just as neat, the yard just as well kept, and the fence.. well it was a little less than straight. I walked up to the door and knocked. After about twenty seconds and a second knock I concluded that nopony was home and set off for house number three on the list.

I did a quick check of my list, “Yup, this is the next one. Three thirty-seven Jennet road.” The house in front of me... Well, it was two story, it had that going for it at least. The picket fence was broken in several places, the grass had brown spots, the paint was weathered and slowly chipping off the building itself, the windows were heavily smudged with cracks in them. I looked to the right at the long row of nearly immaculate houses, then I looked to the left to view much more of the same. I looked forward once more at the home that did not quite fit in as a squirrel defecated upon the lawn. “Yea, this is about my speed.”

After a quick stroll up to the front step I knocked upon the door. I was about to knock a second time when I heard the clip clop of hooves coming to answer it. The door opened inwards to reveal a white pony with a 'two shades of blue' mane covering it's head and face, a small white horn poking out of the blue.

“Hey, whoa, hang on lemme get my shades, nothing looks right without them.” The unicorn turned away from me and was covered in a slight blue glow as its mane corrected itself into a jagged style and a pair of purple tinted sunglasses floated over to its face. The pony, who I figured out was a mare, turned back to face me, then slowly looked up at me. “Hey, you're that thing from the party!”

“Yes I am, and you're..” Brain, don't you dare crap out on me, tell who this pony is this instant. “..the DJ from the party!”

“That's me, Vinyl Scratch, the best DJ there is to get your party rockin'.”

“Nice to meet you Vinyl, I'm The Stone-Turner, Stone for short.”

“Alright, Stone, what brings you to my crib?”

“Err, I saw an ad on the residency board an-

“Oh you're here to try and get the roommate spot! Well, come on in; Tavi should be back from the market soon and we can see if you fit the bill.” She turned and motioned for me to follow her into the home, so I did.

“Tavi?”

“Yea, she's in charge of the screening stuff. Probably because of the last guy I tried to let have the spot.” A light blue aura surrounded her horn as the door shut itself behind me.

“The last guy?”

Vinyl let out a small chuckle and rubbed the back of her head with a hoof. “He was a little too wild for Tavi's tastes.” I scanned the interior of the home as Vinyl led me to what I assumed was the living room and motioned for me to sit on a couch. The place was, for lack of a better turn, impeccable. There was not a single speck of dirt or smudged glass in sight.

“I take it she's a bit of a neat freak?”

“No.” Vinyl sat on a chair opposite me and shook her hooves. “Not a neat freak, she just likes everything with a certain amount of.. order.”

“I see.” My eyes slowly wandered the room, and came to rest on an instrument in the corner. It was a large cello, with a visible crack running down its side. “So, is that hers?” I motioned towards the cello.

“What, the cello?” I nodded. “Yea that's her pride and joy, although she's been a little testy since it was cracked. That happened about a month back.”

I gulped somewhat audibly. “That didn't happen in..” I struggled momentarily to remember the name of the city I was running through after one of my more monumental fuck-ups. “..Manehatten, did it?”

“Yea, I think that's where she said she was when she hit something incredibly thick with it. How'd you know?”

“Just.. a guess.” I fidgeted nervously as the memory of that day began to play itself in my mind.

“Get back here you solo-ruining monstrosity!” The crazed earth pony shouted behind me as I ran thru the streets, dodging panicked ponies and several vegetable carts.

“Fuck that! You're just gonna hit me with that oversized violin!”

“It's called a cello! Now slow down so I can pummel you with it!”

I glanced over my shoulder to witness a gray coated pony charging towards me on two legs, its front hooves swinging the cello dangerously while a large crowd of pissed off ponies gathered behind it. “Why don't you lose the banjo and the mob then face me man to pony!”

“I'll consider it if you slow down!”

“Why don't you catch up!? Or is that fat flank holding you ba-

I couldn't even finish my taunt before the black maned devil sped ahead of me and swung the cello with such force I was certain my head would detach, that was the first time I pulsed at greater than twenty-five miles per hour and while airborne.

I started to rise from my seat. “You know, maybe I should just come back another time.”

“Really, dude? Is something the matter?”

I quickly shook my head. “No, not at all. I just.. have things to do.. and stuff.. and I wouldn't want to hassle your friend right when she's getting back from the market.”

“Dude, don't worry about that. I'm sure she won't mind.”

“No, I really feel I shou-

The door flew open and I could swear the temperature dropped nearly fifteen degrees as the wind forced my cloak to billow around me. I slowly turned my head towards the door and felt my blood freeze as I spotted the gray coat of the mare in the doorway, Vinyl voiced her opinion on the situation somewhere out of my vision.

“Dang, nice entrance.”

I turned myself towards the door, might as well face what's coming like a man.

“I brought you a letter!” Wait.. what?

I blinked a couple times before focusing on the pony that had entered; yes, she had a gray coat, but she also had a blonde mane and walled eyes. Oh, and she was a pegasus, not an earth pony.

The pegasus flew right up to me and, with a hoof, retrieved an envelope from her saddlebag before offering it up. “Here you go, Stone.”

I took the envelope from the mare somewhat mechanically. “Thanks, D. How did you know whe-

“It's part of the job!” With that the pegasus flew back out the door and into the sky.

I carefully tucked the envelope into my carrying pouch for later and turned back to Vinyl. “You know, I was actually worried there for a moment.”

“Worried, what was there to be worried about?”

“Nothing really, it's just that I have terrible..” I turned back towards the door only to see a certain black maned, purple eyed, gray coated, bow-tie wearing, earth pony glaring at me from the entrance-way “..luck...”

The atmosphere was intense as me and the pony just stood there, staring at one another. “Hey Tavi, welcome home.” Great silence breaker, Vinyl.

“So..” I started to speak, I was going to attempt to start things off all nice and civil, but you know what? She just walked right past me! Didn't even give it a thought as she essentially ignored me.

“Vinyl, may I ask why The Stone-Turner is intruding upon our home?”

“You won't believe this Tavi, he wants to be our roommate.” Let's not get too hasty Vinyl, I didn't realize just what I would be up against here.

“Does he now.” The pony turned towards me. “Is this true?”

Nonononono. “Err...” Wrong answer stupid fucking mouth!

“Very well then. Vinyl, would you be a dear a fetch a copy of the house rules, as well as the estimate for utilities and rent when divided among three ponies.”

“Sure thing!” The white unicorn quickly charged out of the room and could be heard thundering up a flight of stairs. “Woo! Lower rent!”

The earth pony gave a small grin and a light chuckle. “Ah, I believe we have yet to be properly introduced, I am Octavia.” The gray mare held out a hoof, which I hesitantly shook.

“I'm The Stone-Turner, but I guess you knew that.” Octavia gave me a small nod before beginning to speak.

“Well, Turner-

“I prefer Stone.”

“Well, Stone, I notice you seem a tad put off. That wouldn't happen to be because of our encounter in Manehatten would it?”

“err.. Well..”

“I thought as much.” Octavia moved towards me. “I must admit, when I heard you were in Ponyville I was.. apprehensive to say the least. However, I later decided that since both the Princess herself and the Elements of Harmony had deemed you fit to become part of society, who was I to say anything otherwise, and that I would hold no ill will towards you.”

“Well tha-

I was quickly cut off as a gray hoof grabbed me by the collar and dragged me down to see the pony right in the face.

“Though I hold no ill will now, should you ever call me fat again, I. Will. Break. You. Like a twig.” The pony released me once she finished seething her threat.

I could almost hear myself creaking as I rose back to my full height, too shocked to even stammer out a response. Note to self: NEVER INSULT A PONY'S WEIGHT!

In the fallout of the threat on my life I barely noticed Vinyl's return until she spoke. “So, I miss anything.”

“Nothing of importance, did you find those papers?”

“Sure did, they're right here.”

A good bit of time after that was spent going over the house rules and what rent and utilities would cost. At first I was just going to listen to them for a bit then politely say I had to mull over other options and never actually return to this house again, but when I saw how much rent would be I nearly died with glee.

Now I might not fully comprehend Equestria's economics, I don't understand how prices can change radically from day to day or how a single piece of fruit could cost nearly as much as a full meal in a restaurant; what I do understand, however, is that with the price on that piece of paper it would be more expensive for me to purchase a shipping crate and live out of that. It's just that low a price.

Needless to say when they brought out a simple form to sign stating that I would obey the house rules and pay rent on time I signed the fuck out of it.

Once all the paper related stuff was out of the way, the three of us spent some time talking and getting a feel for how well this would work out. I gotta say, Vinyl is pretty cool and Octavia is a surprisingly calm and collected individual, overlooking the ability to use a musical instrument as a dangerous weapon. All in all everything seemed to be going fairly smoothly, aside from a small thump that had come from the window at one point, once inspected nothing was found in the area so naturally a bird was to blame.

I was about halfway back to the library when my brain decided to remind me I had stuffed something into my pouch. So, stepping off to the side of the street, I learned long ago that ponies do not watch where they are going, I pulled the envelope back out of my pouch to examine it. Oddly enough it had no markings on it whatsoever, that made me wonder how D. even knew it was for me.

“Well, no point in just staring at a blank envelope.”

Somewhat carefully, I like envelopes to be intact after I am done with them, I opened the mail to see what it contained. The letter inside was obviously typed, which made me wonder how ponies worked typewriters with hooves or if they even had typewriters as I know them, and the print was annoying close to comic sans.

Dear, Stone-Turner:

It is our pleasure to inform you that you have been accepted into the SASBSFC. Attached is your branches weekly meeting locations and times. Rules and guidelines for membership are determined by the chair and vice chair of your branch. Please follow their decisions as best you can and enjoy your time in the SASBSFC.

I looked over the note a second time before looking at the attached meeting times and locations. I figured I'd go to one to see what it was.

“Let's see, the next meeting is today, I know that neighborhood, it's about a fifteen minute walk from here; it's in ten minutes... Fuck. Me.”

So, with a groan of exasperation at how nothing can just be simple, I booked it for this mystery meeting.