The Celestial Grand Vizier

Joseph opened his eyes to see nothing. He could think a little, and thought this was strange.

‘Where am I? Am I back in that Abyss?’  He pushed himself off of the ground with great effort, only managing a shaky kneel, noting the cold, slick texture that rested underneath his palms.

Looking around, he looked up and saw a faint glow from above, illuminating multiple shiny spikes from the roof and floor. ‘WAIT, AM I IN A MOUTH?’

To test his theory, he flipped over one of his hands and tapped against the floor with his knuckles, meeting only painful rock. Perhaps it was fatigue, but tapping the rock should not have hurt as bad as it did.

“Cave...” Joseph spoke subconsciously, hearing a deep, hollow echo reverberate above and behind him. Perhaps it was a trick of the cave, but his voice sounded deeper than usual.He pushed himself onto his feet, only to feel the blood rush out of his head, and his vision darken as he collapsed.

“Really. Should’ve worked out more.” It is true, a lifetime of studying and experiments does horrors for one’s body. As a result, Joseph was short, scrawny, and dotted with acne. Though through his hazy mind, something was off... He felt, stretched...

Propping his body up by the arms, his observation was correct. His back bent slightly further than he was used to, and his toes felt farther back than before.

‘Am I? Wait...’ He spotted a pool of cave water off to his right, and crawled over to look at his reflection.

The first difference was his face. Which was no longer pock-marked with acne, but smooth and longer, with slightly higher cheekbones. His hair was black, short, with a gold strand running back through the middle. ‘The hell..?’ He moved a hand up to feel it; it was cold and metal, but it was thin and flexible like any other hair. ‘Strange...’

At this movement, he noticed he did not have to move his arm as far as he used to. Joseph looked to his left, and grabbed hold of a stalagmite, pulling himself to his feet. After a few moments, his body adjusted, and he could lean over to see himself.

He was tall. His limbs were stretched out, fingers longer. He must have been around two meters now, as opposed to a mere five-foot-two prior. He may of been only eighteen before, but this Joseph looked older, wiser, and slightly more intimidating. Intimidating though he has not bulked up in width at all.

“I look like Jafar now...” Joseph smiled, “Wonder why that is.”

Though his clothes had barely changed. He was now wearing a maroon t-shirt and black jeans, and he even had his favorite pair of gray converse shoes! On top of this he had a long black hoodie, maroon on the inside, with a woven gold trim.

He was expecting something a little grander, being the inheritor of someone’s essence.  But this appeared to be the extent of things. Looking up to his left, he saw the glowing entrance of the cave, now clearly outlined. Joseph walked towards the entrance of the cave, and felt a metallic object strike his foot.

He looked down, and saw the pale outline of a walking staff, complete with a bulky head. Jafar’s words echoed through his head... ‘Keep hold of the staff, it holds your potential.’ The only question was what he meant. Joseph decided he could use a staff, and picked it up. Besides, it would be rude to leave this in a hole in the... Ground? Mountain?

“First things first, figure out where the hell I am.”

He walked up the slight incline to the mouth of the cave, nearly slipping on occasion. Despite the staff’s material, it never slipped. Joseph filed away that thought and walked out into the sunshine.

What he saw surprised him to say the least. Jafar did not joke around when he said this was not his world.

The air seemed so vibrant. The world itself seemed to be cartoonish in design, and pastel colors were painted across the land. To the direct south, he could see a quaint village far beneath him, surrounded on the east by- ‘A rainforest? At least the village itself seems peaceful.’

As soon as he thought this, he saw three things. First, a miniscule purple blur launching out of the village toward the jungle. Second, a larger, darker blur shooting out the opposite edge of town. Third, what appeared to be a giant glass dome came into existence above the town, lowered itself in a red glow, and secured itself around the town.

‘...’

‘...’

‘...’

‘K then.’

Since this event clearly needed further study, he stepped out of the cave onto an outcropping roughly four meters wide, by two meters deep. He looked down onto the fields below, and on the cliff that this cave rested upon. There seemed to be no visible way down, other than falling hundreds of feet into a possibly untamed forest. Gulping, he looked to his right to find the outcrop end into the side of the mountain. Looking to his left he saw what appeared to be a small pathway lead around a boulder.

“Seems promising enough.” And at this Joseph stopped. Looking back, he thought it could have been a trick of the cave, but he his voice seemed deeper. The fact is that it was deeper.

“Hello, heh-heh-helloooooo.” His voice seemed to be a smooth, natural baritone. He smiled; this was right up there with the new height, concerning improvements.

He continued along, walking around the boulder and looking onwards. The sight that met him shocked him into silence once more.

There. Underneath him. There was a massive, alabaster castle slapped right on the face of the mountain. Right on the face of the mountain. The city. Was... Never mind...

The castle was beautiful. White columns rose up to gold-swirled purple spires. The battlements were not more than artistically designed walls, while a waterfall from above seemed to fill the moat, and eventually fall down to the country-side, where a river flowed across the land.

He looked ahead of him and sighed; the waterfall forming the moat would be crossing his path. He was not looking forward to crossing that.

Looking back down, he noticed a railroad come out from ‘his’ cliff and run through the walls, leading to a train station and beyond that... Actually, past the castle there seemed to be a rather large city resting beside it. Everything about it screamed up-scale.

It seems he found his next destination alright; though he knew the residents would not take kindly to a stranger meandering the cliffs directly beside the castle.

Joseph put a hand to his chin in contemplation. Perhaps he should try approaching during the night. But if they found him sneaking around that close to the castle, wouldn’t that incriminate him instantly? Perhaps he would just have to wait and see their defenses at night. If he could get by, great! If not... Perhaps he could go one day without food. He had a rather slow metabolism rate after all.

He felt the ground beneath him and looked to the sky. The surface was very cool, the sun was definitely in one hemisphere. Early morning perhaps.

Joseph had four options, he rationalized.

One. Head into the city and see if the natives were friendly. Possible casualties, low success rate if the natives are not human. Possible chance for nourishment and rest.

Two. Same benefits could be acquired if journey is taken at night. Scout out the defenses and see if he could get through then, risks could be greater. Much more difficult to see at night.

Three. Sleep until nightfall and save energy for coming journey.

Four. Explore cave until nightfall, dangerous, not worth it.

Secret Option Number Five. Some unholy-love baby of several options above.

Naturally, he chose number one.

He decided it would be best to move towards the city in broad daylight. Not only would they be more likely to believe he was just passing through, (which he was) but he could see if waiting was entirely necessary. He couldn’t well survive alone up on this cliff for all eternity, now could he?

Joseph stepped forward, and so begun his trek to the glorious mountain-city.

************************

Several pitfalls, piles of rocks, and a near-death experience later, he found himself at... The River. Or was it more of a spring? At any rate, it was the only thing stopping him from reaching the castle.

He looked out at the rushing water, seeing two large streams run by, only separated by a narrow piece of land. On his right, there was a boulder twice his height he could probably use to jump across.

Joseph put his staff in his teeth, stuck his hands in the gap between the rock and the mountain, and pulled himself up on top of it. He looked down at the river, now so much larger, and faster, and farther away than it had been.

He gulped and closed his eyes.

Sure, the river was running faster than he was comfortable with. Sure, the river was dumping hundreds of times his body weight in water down the cliff every second. Sure, the river only ran for about three meters before it turned into a deadly waterfall in a second. Sure, he was probably too weak to ju-

“SHUT UP!” Joseph slapped himself to accentuate his point. “YOU, you are not helping right now. So just...” Joseph opened his eyes and took in the scene before him. HOW, how did movie stars always show barely any fear before these types of situations? He was shivering all over! “So just shut up...” He put the staff into his right hand.

He closed his eyes.

Now or never.

No time to think.

Squatted back.

Start forward.

Running leap.

Push with legs.

Dear lord.

‘I’m flying.’

Hear wind.

Start falling.

Open eyes.

“OHDEARGODNO-WHATTHEFUCK-NO-NOTNOW-TOOSOON-GOTTAGOFASTER-NOOOOOO!”

And he was so close too.

Joseph fell down just before the opposite bank, immediately being torn to his left, towards that cliff.

“PLEASE NO-HE-HOO!!!”

Then something snagged behind him.

His feet dangling just off the edge of the FREAKING WORLD.

He looked behind him, and praised whatever god ruled over this land for what he saw.

The staff, for a lack of a better term, seemed to have come alive! A plant that was not there previously stuck out over the river, and the... now GOLDEN snake staff had its jaws clamped around the bark-covered stalk.

He pulled his left arm around and grabbed a hold of the staff. He pulled himself further and further along until he could touch the plant. The plant’s leaves seemed to shake with delight as he touched it, and Joseph pulled himself onto dry, GLORIOUS land.

He lay there, panting, for what seemed the longest time. Perhaps it was the adrenaline leaving him, but now he felt outright weak. In addition to this, a splitting headache roared in his skull. But he was just so ALIVE.

Suddenly a giddy feeling washed over his body; and what began as a chuckle burst out into a full out, no air left to breathe, fit of mad laughter.

Grinning so hard he thought he might split his cheeks open, he looked over to his snake staff and studied it for the first time since coming out of the cave.

Its jaws were now shut as was previous, and perhaps he didn’t notice earlier, it was now made of gold. The stripes from the original cobra carried over, engraved in little lines across its surface.  Its eyes were two deep, mesmerizing rubies, and the head came up just above Joseph’s shoulders. Thinking back, Joseph wondered... How in the hell did he not slip off of it while in the river? He chalked it up to... Magic.

Considering what just happened previously, Joseph kissing it on the lips and confessing his love towards it was hardly an overreaction.

Slowly, ever so shakily, Joseph got to his feet, and looked back upon the conquered stream.

“OH-HO FUCK YOU, HAH! Yeah, no, nhehehoho, can’t touch this, can you?” He did a strange little dance of celebration. “OH thank you Jafar! Awesome wizard powers, CHECK. Nothing! Nothing can stop me!” Joseph then turned around and saw the remaining stream.

Thankfully, it was only about 2 feet wide.

With a hop, skip, and a jump, Joseph leapt across. Then his head felt like it ripped in half.

Why was his head hurting so much? Ow. Thinking hurt. Joseph tried to think back to anything Jafar might have said to hint at this... 'Why am I still thinking...'

Wasn’t it, something about gaining a fraction of his power, which will grow with... time? Knowledge of the power? Honestly the end seemed to go by in a blur, what was all that about? All in all, Joseph wished the situation would have been explained to him. In detail. With accompanying diagrams and charts. Perhaps a slideshow with a bulletined list. But alas, life is not perfect.

Deciding now would be as good of a time as any to think of what powers he might have, he reflected on what he knew of Jafar. At first, he was a vizier, who could cast spells, could scry for specific people, and knew of ancient secrets.

Joseph could have sworn Jafar mentioned him getting a sliver of Jafar’s knowledge.

Later on, he became the most powerful sorcerer in the world, able to levitate people, transmogrify creatures and objects. He could also create massive furniture and (presumably) piles of gold; and on a lesser note, make massive buildings shoot off halfway across the world like rockets with a simple swing of his staff.

‘Yes. That is all.’

Then Jafar became an all-powerful genie.

Joseph’s eyes widened.

Then narrowed.

He didn’t feel particularly omnipotent. Actually, he felt weak by normal standards. Was it a time-share agreement with the universe? One day he’s a sorcerer, the other he’s a genie? Perhaps it just took time to grow. At least, he hoped there were powers to take time to grow.

He didn’t worry about that however, he was more than content with crazy-ass wizard powers. He noticed that the fatigue from earlier dissipated, so he got to his feet. Looking down at the castle, he could see the entire complex was far below him. He turned around and looked down the path.

He could see what appeared to be the path’s destination; a large, three-story high building with large windows. It rested just beyond the castle’s walls, and was slightly taller than the surrounding buildings.

Picking up his staff, he continued down the road; noting in the sky that it was currently late afternoon.

************************

He really had nothing to worry about security-wise. Not once had any patrol gone around the mountainside. At first he was concerned about this, but he later reasoned that this must be a peaceful land, barely any attacks to speak of. It was nearing dusk by the time he snuck into the building.

It could be argued that this was the most retarded act in all of history, but the man with crazy-ass wizard powers would disagree. He needed to find out where he was, and breaking and entering is the most effective way to find out.

Secretly find out that is.

There was no breaking involved, two windows on the second floor were left wide open, and right next to his little ledge.

I‘Inhabitants must really not care about security...’

He made a small jump, and pulled himself inside.

It was a library, that much was clear. With shelves, and rows of shelves, and walls covered in rows of shelves of books that went all the way up to the ceiling. There were rows of bookcases covering the floor. Books of all sizes and shapes and colors as far as the eye could see.

Joseph looked out the window, and discovered something. The building itself, was not outside the castle walls, but rather tucked away in a corner. The complex was large, with grand architecture rivaling that of the castle nearby, the two connected by a large garden filled with hedges and statues.

‘since this is clearly a part of the castle, security could be tight... Maybe... Time to ninja anyhoo.’

It had been a long time since he had ninja’d around, but now all of his skills would be put to the test. Perhaps. ‘WAS THIS PLACE ABANDONED OR SOMETHING?’

Perhaps he could find out some information from the books here; and so he ventured farther inwards. Wandering around, he glanced at a few of the titles.

‘Of Mice and Stallions’ ‘Hm?’

‘A Journey Into the Mind of a Fillyfooler’ ‘What... What do fillies have to do with anything?’

‘Apples of Wrath; a Biography of the Apple Family’ ‘Huh.’

‘Pursuing a Career in Your Cutie Mark’

He gave pause at this one, the title suggested that ‘cutie marks’ were something most inhabitants had. He took it, deciding he had better take a look at it.

‘Slumber 101: All You Ever Wanted to Know About Slumber Parties, but Were Afraid to Ask.’ ‘I’m sorry, what?’

‘ Daring Do and the Call of Cthulhu’ ‘No. I’m sorry. WHAT.’

He picked up this one. On the front cover pictured a tan... Pony? Were those wings? Pegasus? With freakishly huge eyes running away from the ocean, and Mr. Rape-Face himself.

He looked around, noting the countless other stories in the series. No doubt he was in the children’s section with a character like this. He took the book, if only to see how they managed to shove a Lovecraftian horror tale into a book for kids.

Moving along, he noticed a pattern across the different titles. Ponies. Stallions. Horses. He wasn’t sure what gave the vibe, but there seemed to be a thing for horses in this library.

At last he came to a large glass doorway, with a golden inscription above.

Muttering as he read it... “Canterlot National Archive of Magical Tomes”

“Canterlot?” That settles it, this place must be run by horse fanatics. It made absolutely no sense to focus and build a society around horses.

Joseph suddenly flinched, as if struck by a bolt of other-worldly irony...

Joseph looked at the ornate blue and gold door, noticing that it was already opened. 'Magical tomes huh? Perhaps I could learn a thing or two in here...' Throwing caution out the door, onto the floor, 'everybody walk the dino-'

He walked inside.

The rooms were much more regal, with patterned rugs instead of white tiles, banners on the corners of bookcases, and chandeliers hanging from the roof. Everything seemed to centralize around a circular area filled with couches and tables, making bookcases radiate out onto the large, tall walls.

Joseph walked to the center of the room and looked around, other than the lit chandeliers, there was no evidence of any life in here whatsoever. He looked down onto the tables and found a black tome sitting out.

'Necroponicon’

‘... I- I give up.’

He thought back to what drew him to this room in the first place, and realized something.

That he couldn’t be a true sorcerer without the knowledge of how to do so. That perhaps magic worked in this world like it did in his world. Potentially, there was valuable information in here. And he was going to get it.

He looked around for signs, and found blue metallic labels dictating what was in each aisle. He spun around, looking at random categories.

‘Transmogrification’

‘Elemental Magic’

‘Illusion' 'Nothing like a little, good ol' smoke and mirrors...'

‘Magical Runes’

‘Conjuration’

‘Divination’

‘Magical Theory’ ‘Bingo.’

If there was anyway he was going to learn magic, he would have to start at the beginning. And understanding how it all worked was key in his own opinion.

He walked over to the first set of shelves and began searching.

‘Basic Magical Theory I, II, and III’ “Boom. Taken.”

‘Intro to Meditation’ “Also taken.”

‘Magical Dynamics of Crystalline Structures’ “Mhm, I love them jewelries.”

And then he heard a stifled cry from directly beside him.

He looked over his shoulder to find a pony with those huge eyes staring at him. It was about a meter tall from the top of it’s head, and was shivering visibly. Its expressive face showed nothing but shock and fear, its pupils were shrunk, eyes were green, and perhaps was trying to form words with its mouth. Its coat was a silvery grey, with a light blue mane rolling down in curls. Oh, and it had a horn. Like a unicorn. No biggie.

Mr. Harper put on his best poker face.

“Why hello there strange unicorn creature. Say, do you have any books you would recommend to the beginning wizard?”

Perhaps he should not have been speaking aloud.