The Celestial Grand Vizier

‘Oh, this unicorn-thing is GOOD...’ Joseph thought as he stared down the thing next to him. His best poker face was beginning to slip into an awkward smile.

The unicorn in question was standing right where it was for the past minute, not a single change was present. If only its poker face didn’t make it look like it was about to shit itself, then the unicorn could have a career in televised gambling.

Finally, it snapped its jaws shut, narrowed its eyes, and... Lighted its horn? What?

“What. In. The name of Celestia. Are you?”

Joseph narrowed his eyes. Not in indignation, but in the fact that this creature never saw anything like him before. The thought was... Unsettling to say the least.

However, he decided to play on indignation, perhaps to show good nature, perhaps to show he lost his mind. They both came hand in hand here to be honest.

“How incredibly rude.” Joseph lifted his right hand to grip at his heart, “You mean to tell me you do not recognize your estranged mother?”

“What.”

“Now honey, back to my earlier question...”  Joseph picked up a book from the small stack he held in his other hand. “Do you have any good wizardry books? I picked up this one on... ‘Magical Dynamics of Crystalline Structures,’ but I don’t know how that would fit into basic magical theory... I mean to be honest-”

“NO! You be honest!” It was quite obvious now that the unicorn was a mare, or filly. Perhaps calling her either would be a faux paus. He decided to call her... A Her.

Joseph looked A Her in the eyes and raised an eyebrow.

“Once more. What are you?” She seemed to have lost her earlier fire now looking into his towering eyes, and her voice wavered at the end.

“I?” Joseph put down his stack of books and leaned on the bookshelf on his left. “I am a human. What are you?”

“I-I’m a unicorn.” Simple questions deserve simple answers he supposed... “Are you really, one of them?”

He scrunched his eyebrows together. “Well, without clarification as to which them, I can’t answer your question.”

A Her’s eyes widened. “There’s more of you?”

He wasn’t sure what gave it away, but something was up. Whether it be the sky, the cave in which he arrived in, or a massive conspiracy against the inhabitants of the universe. He lowered himself and sat to the right of his books; the sudden movement startling the unicorn and causing her to fall back on the bookcase behind her with a small ‘eep.’ It was sort of cute actually, in a sort of sick puppy dog sense.

“What do you mean by that?”

She looked around nervously, pawing at her leg with her hoof before continuing.

“Well, it’s just that... There are other humans here, with dangerous powers...”

‘That doesn’t sound good. Actually, that sounds familiar.’

“And, the Princess is worried about them...”

‘Princess?’

“And any subject was supposed to...” She stopped and looked at him with the biggest puppy-eyed stare he had ever seen.

And for some reason, his hand started to reach for the staff he dropped beside him earlier.

‘I don’t like where this is heading...’

“We were supposed to tell her if there were any new ones, and what they were doing.” She had a very soft voice. “And, here you are, sneaking around the palace grounds.”

‘Oh.’ The muscles he didn’t know were tensed up suddenly relaxed. He exhaled loudly.

‘You know, once you get used to how they look, they seem to be made from cuteness.’

“Well, I wanted to find out where I was...”

She looked at him incredulously. “And breaking and entering was the best way to do that?”

He winced. That was the exact opposite of his thought process not five minutes prior.

“Yesss.” Making his best to sound exasperated and hurt. “Maybe. What can I say, I like libraries.”

Joseph got to his feet, startling the unicorn into retreating once more, and looked back to the shelf above where she was sitting earlier.

“Speaking of which, can we please get back to my question.” He pulled out a random couple of large books and looked at them. “Magical Relativity I and II. Are these important books for beginning wizards?”

She stared at him. “Well, its the basis for all life on our planet, and centric to anything concerning magic. Our world is made up of the compounds named in those books.” Joseph stared at the book. “It was written by Clover the Clever thousands of years ago, and is the basis for all modern knowledge.”

“I take it as a yes then.” Joseph put it on his growing stack of books.

“Yes. Wait!” She shook her head, “NO! Why, why are you even in here? Why would you steal books?!”

“I am not stealing books! I am checking them out. I will return them!”

“Oh yeah, and when were you planning on- never mind! No, you are not taking those books!”

Grabbing up his staff, pretending it was a security blanket, he faked a sniffle and hid his eyes. “It’s, its because I’m not a pony... ISN’T IT?”

“Well, no.” She actually seemed SAD. “It’s because you don’t have a membership, and this section is off limits to non-castle personell, and its after closing time, and you sort of entered illegally...”

“All right, all right... I suppose I will just have to read them here.” He picked up the books and made towards the circle of couches.

“Wait, what gives you the right to do that?”

“Well, you’re here making sure I don’t get into trouble aren’t you?”

“I am a Graduate of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, training for a very important job right now! I cannot foal-sit a random alien!”

Joseph dropped his books on a spacious couch and looked at her. “And where are you training?”

She looked toward the ground where a pair of saddlebags lay by a couch nearby. “Um, in here actually...”

“And here I am, a random alien, with possible dangerous powers,” Joseph wiggled his fingers at her and made an ‘ooo.’ Which still made her shrink back. “and I am asking for your help to understand your society so I can co-exist peacefully.”

The unicorn was blushing from embarrassment now.

“Now then,” Joseph dropped down on the couch and crossed his legs, “you and I can have a little study session; I learn magic and basic information to survive on, you get diplomatic points from your precious Princess. Sound good?”

She did not respond, merely walked over, picked her saddlebags up with her teeth, and came back to sit down next to Joseph on the couch.

‘Dear, perhaps I upset her...’

“Hey...” She looked up at him, surprised to see only kindness radiating from his face. As much kindness as he could manage anyway. “What’s your name?”

“Clair Voyance.” Interesting name that was...

“Beautiful name.”

Clair actually smiled at this and asked him, “What’s your name?”

“Joseph Harper.”

She scrunched up her face. “Strange name.”

He couldn’t help but chuckle at this.

Wait, looking back... ‘I was a complete loner... I was never this good with words before...’