Lero Michaelides stood peering downward at a rattling air conditioning unit. Snapping from his empty-minded stupor, he looked about.

A motel room.

A motel room!?

It didn't matter how drunk he was; this was a motel room, made for humans by humans! A cheap, drab rathole of a motel room, but still...!

Electric sockets were in the walls. And there was an end table between two queen-sized beds, upon which sat a digital clock: 4:04 P.M. He opened its drawer, finding a TV remote and a Gideon Bible. Idly wondering what Twilight Sparkle and her mentor would make of the Bible, he clicked on the TV.

“Who killed my sister? Who killed the Witch of the East?! Was it you?!”

Click!

“Our thoughts and prayers go out to the victims of Hurricane Shaquinda...”

Click!

“I’m George O’Grady, and I approve this message.”

Click!

“Only $99.95 plus shipping and handling!”

Click!

"And the rockets' red glare! The bombs bursting in air!"

Click!

“Prepare to feel the wrath of the League of Evil Exes!”

Click!

“Cuddy’s way didn’t fail because she didn’t try to control House. She managed him.”

Click!

"Head On! Apply directly to the forehead!"

Click!

“La-la-la-la! La-la-la-la! Elmo’s song!”

Click!

“Nothing’s better in the morning than the great taste of fresh Florida orange juice!”

Click!

“You’ve got red on you.”

Click!

“Lucky there’s a Family Guuuuuuuuy!”

Click!

“Regarding little Mike Teavee, we very much regret that we shall simply have to wait and see if we can get him back his height, but if we can’t, serves him right!”

Click!

“He got an e-mail from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place!”

...Humans, humans, humans! Lero could have sat on the bed and channel-surfed all day long, not even for the shows, but for the incredible number of OTHER HUMANS! Men! Women! Kids! Ever silly little cartoon humans! PEOPLE! It was staggering to realize how much he missed just seeing other humans.

Wonder what Rainbow Dash would think if she were here with me? Lero wondered, his thoughts drunkenly lurching from topic to topic. Which other humans would she find attractive besides me, if any?

But thoughts of the rainbow-maned pegasus brought claws around his guts, and he shut the television off. The room was still so spinning, but he force himself to think though the boulders in his head. The Chaos Guy... he’d grabbed him with his chest-monkey-arms and pulled him into his body. Dash and Twilight had told him all about his powers. This ‘motel room’ HAD to be fake! Just had to be!

He decided to explore some more and uncover some fakeness. Elementary, dear Watkins! Logic might not have been doing too well lately, but it was still mostly reliable. He opened the window curtain. A swimming pool was outside. Past the swimming pool, there was an expressway. An 18-wheeler roared by. He opened the closet: empty, except for hangers. He opened the drawers: no underwear, no socks, no change of clothes, no suitcase to be found anywhere.

His foot knocked against something on the floor, causing a clinking noise. He reached down and picked it up.

“Well, I’ll be damned,” he said. The beer bottle. Same one he’d attacked Discord with. Foamy Lager’s face was on the label still. He decided he’d hang onto it. This place could still be phonier than a nine-dollar bill... and he’d rather not be completely weaponless.

Lero strode into the bathroom and turned on the lights. Towel rack, towels, a shower, a toilet... and how BIZARRE it was to see a toilet actually shaped for a body like his! Pony toilets were pretty much holes in the ground with toilet seats upon them. The good news was: you could flush them; though their ‘flush handles’ were actually pull cords hanging from the ceiling, large enough for a pony mouth to close around. As for toilet paper... only the unicorns could even use that, and even with them, it wasn't popular. In Equestria, you could always depend on restrooms having bidets.

But his drunken brain was drifting. There were tiny little shampoo and conditioner bottles, (which he pocketed) and a dinky-sized coffee maker next to the sink. The logo on one of the keep-the-dust-off paper things covering the glass cups told Lero that he was at the Criddos Motel. The mirror showed him that he looked terrible, and he was wearing new clothes. Where was the outfit he’d had on when he’d tried to attack Discord? He had on a tan-colored trench coat, black jeans, white socks, and sneakers, plus a shirt reading: UNIVERSITY OF IDAHO.

“When did I ever go to Idaho?” He frowned and searched his pockets, surprised to actually find stuff! Oh God, his old leather wallet! American dollars instead of bits, ($150!) His library card! His gym membership card! His credit cards! (What would Equestria THINK of the credit card system? He hoped he remembered to tell them about it when he was sober again!) His driver’s license! He was clean-shaven in this picture, and such a dorky smile!

...There was also a picture of him, clean-shaven, with his mother and father. All smiling.

A hard lump formed in his throat, a lump which had nothing to do with being kidnapped or losing Dash, or the world going mad. Putting the wallet away, he continued to frisk himself. A comb; okay. Car keys; awesome! His old cell phone; good! Wished he had someone to call!

He stopped at this thought.

He dialed a number.

It rang. Several times, in fact. His phone plan was still active? Had his parents kept paying for it since he vanished? Or...

“Hello!” spoke a pre-recorded man’s voice. “We’re not at home right now, but if you’d leave your name and number after the beep, we’ll try to get a hold of you as soon as possible! Thanks!”

It beeped.

“Dad?” said Lero. “Dad, this is Lero. Your son, Lero, i-it’s been years since I’ve seen you, any of you. Or at least it’s been years for me, I-I don’t know, maybe it works like Narnia — y’know, with the witch and the lion? — and here, it’s not even been an hour since I disappeared from home. I was kidnapped, Dad. Twice. The first time, I was taken to a faraway place by evil people. I got away, but... The second time, it was someone else, and was kidnapped right back here. You and Mom aren't gonna believe this, but I fell in love! I met this girl... I meant several girls, in fact! We were so right for each other, Dad, we were talking seriously about marriage! Then everything just... I'm probably not making much sense, I've been through so many terrible things, and I’m so drunk right now. I’m at this motel, the Criddos Motel. I don’t where that is, what state I’m even in... but I’m going to try coming back to you, if this is real. Jesus... you must think I died. Are the cops still looking for me? Or have they stopped, or... I’m sorry, Dad. I swear, I would've called to you if I could... I wanted to call you and Mom so bad... and you don’t know how it feels just to hear your voice on an answering machine! God, there’s so much to talk about, you’d think it was all an acid dream or something... but I’m going to try to come home. Call me! Please call me back, I just got my old phone, you should have the number and... I love you, Dad. Mom too, so much. Call me.”

He hung up. This had to really be Earth. Discord had exiled him back on Earth. There was no way that Frankenstein-animal could have replicated his father’s voice; this had to be Earth. Equestria was gone to him... no way of getting back. Maybe trying to stab Discord through the kidney hadn't been his brightest idea.

He needed to get out of here... thinking about it all hurt his head AND heart and he had car keys... oh, that’s right, he was drunk, and driving drunk was a bad idea. Well, fresh air, then! He wanted to see another real-live human again! A maid or a concierge or whoever. Buy a baconburger if there was a Wendy’s or something in walking distance.

“SURPRISE!” Dozens upon dozens of inhumanly shrill voices screeched as he opened the door.

Lero backed away. Balloons flew in and flooded every corner inch of his room like quicksand filling a shoe. He felt them against the bottom of his leg. He felt them against his back, waist, and front. He felt four or five against his head, rubbing themselves in his hair as though trying to give him a static charge.

A memory suddenly surface: himself as a young boy, diving to the very bottom of the McDonald’s ball pen, and then looking up, trying to see the surface through all the multicolored balls. Through the very tiny gaps between balloons, he could see them swarmed against the ceiling, packed against the walls; green, blue, pink and yellow. They had manic cartoon faces that moved when they spoke in their high, manic voices.

“Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero! Welcome home, Lero!”

Endlessly they went on, all overlapping each other. Lero had never known true claustrophobia or demophobia before, but now he was screaming inside his own head:

They’re everywhere! They’re all around me! Balloons are gonna eat me! They’ll cut off all my air! Shut them up!

Lero swung his broken bottle like an adventurer’s dagger. Drunk as he was, it was literally impossible for him to not hit the balloons. Five of them popped deafeningly, and melted ice cream cake splattered all over Lero’s face and shirt. The balloons made no move to either retaliate or retreat, as Lero kicked them away, swept them aside with his arms, and popped them with his bottle, they only kept closing around him, chanting ‘Welcome Home, Lero!’

He forced his way towards the door, through the cacophony of chants and splattery popping. He had to get out of here. The balloons were probably congesting the hallway, too, but he’d fight his way through them to the way outside, and then he’d be safe. There was no way these balloons could clog up every inch of open air in the great outdoors, right? Right?

He crossed the threshold to the hallway outside, and suddenly... no chanting. No balloons. No motel, either.

Lero was now in a church: with rows of pews down either side of the aisle, leading towards a pulpit and an altar. Only... Lero had attended quite a few churches in his day, but none of them had been made entirely out of yellow and pink stone, and the butterfly motif was rather new to him. As he walked down the aisle he passed several stained-glass windows through which beautifully colored sunlight shone down on him. In a Christian church, these windows would have depicted scenes from the gospel, crucification, and resurrection of Christ.

These windows showcased such scenes as the Element Bearers freeing Discord from his stone statue; Fluttershy’s cottage floating upside-down in the air, Discord, dressed as a maître d', serving the Element Bearers a chaotic dinner, Discord waterskiing through a flooded Sweet Apple Acres, Fluttershy removing her Element of Kindness to give to her stunned friends, Fluttershy angrily throwing a pair of ice skates away, Discord crying, Discord bowing towards Celestia... and Fluttershy and Discord smiling warmly at one another. There were also many engravings, such as the words FIRST FRIEND under an image of Fluttershy, and also FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC and YOU CAN’T ALWAYS GET YOUR WAY.

Lero slipped his broken bottle into one of the trench coat’s larger pockets. As he walked, he heard a door open and shut — the room behind the altar — and Fluttershy stepped out. Fluttershy, in the flesh! He starred disbelieving for a second before breaking out into a sprint towards her! He couldn't believe it! Her butterflies were back on her! She had her own original cutie mark again!

“Fluttershy!” he exclaimed, startling her a little. “Oh, thank God, you've got your own mark back! Did Discord kidnap you too? Where are the others? Where’s Dash? What mark does she have now?”

Fluttershy blushed a little, turning her head away. “Um... I’m sorry, Lero. I’m actually not the real Fluttershy.”

Lero’s face fell. “You’re not?”

The not-Fluttershy scuffed her hoof demurely on the church’s stone floor. “I’m a magical replica. I’m made of Discord’s appreciation and affection for the real Fluttershy. He gave me a body so that he’d always have a Fluttershy around, even after the real one... went the way of all mortals.”

How stupid of him to think it’d ever be that easy. “Of course,” Lero said with a hard swallow. “Please pardon my mistake, Miss Replica, ma’am.” Damn magic again.

“Mr. Lero... I know what you’re going through, and I’m not here to toy with your emotions. I’m not out to give you false hope. I am what I am. And you can call me Fluttershy, if that's alright with you.” The replica nuzzled his face sympathetically. “ You've got cake on you, you know that?”

Lero laughed, and wiped some of it off his face with a fingertip. “You actually made this for me, Fluttershy. At least, the ‘real’ you did.” He licked it off; nice and chocolatey. “Fluttershy, does Discord treat you right?”

The replica Fluttershy brightened. “Oh, yes! He’s fun and he makes everything lively! He even conjured up my five best friends so I’d never be alone, even when he’s gone!”

Hope rose in Lero’s heart. This Fluttershy acted so much like the real Fluttershy’s old self. Even if it she was nothing more than a replica, even if she had no romantic interest in him, even if it was just a brief encounter before Discord spirited him away to some new wing of this otherworldly madhouse... to see Dash again... her old attitude, her old brashness, her old self-confidence...

“Is... is there any chance I could speak to Rainbow Dash?”

“Oh, um, well, she and the others are napping in their playpens.”

“Playpens?” Lero repeated. “They’re babies here?”

“No... they’re full-grown mares, they’re just... Made out of Discord's appreciation and affection for them, just like I am. He, um, favors me more. So they're far more dim-witted and simple than their real-life counterparts,” Then, desperate to say something positive about them, she added, “But they’re all so sweet and playful and cuddly and easy to get along with! And they can all go to the little fillies’ room all by themselves! Without supervision!”

“Th... that’s wonderful,” he managed after staring several seconds.

The replica gave Lero her own hopeful look. “Maybe if the real ones were more kind and respectful to Discord, it’d make my own friends more complete? It'd be nice to talk to them again. Pinkie's the only one that can manage it, and mostly to tell jokes and laugh. He likes laughter.”

“...I can try putting in a good word.”

She smiled. “Did you still want to see Dashie?”

“No, no, that’s okay,” Lero said quickly. “I probably should just let her nap.”

Seeing Dash as Fluttershy was painful enough. To see Dash as that guy from Flowers For Algernon... he’d have no choice but to get himself twice as smashed. What sort of drinks did they have for that in this topsy-turvy twilight zone? Laundry detergent? Bug spray? Shirley Temples? And what right did Discord have to do that to Dash, anyway?! Even to a replica of her?! He pulled out his broken bottle.

“Where’s Discord, Fluttershy?!” His anger flared again, turning around and shouting, voice echoing throughout the church. “Discord?! DISCORD?! Where are you?! What is this place you've taken me to?!”

“Oh, just a quaint little inter-dimensional hole-in-the-wall I like to call How-Should-I-Know?” Once again, the freakshow had snuck up on him from behind. He turned to see him holding Fluttershy comfortably in his arms.

“I don’t appreciate being abducted,” Lero growled.

Discord stuck his tongue out at him. “Oh, please, who are you, Br'er Rabbit?" with a poof, rabbit ears popped atop his head — another mouth — clearly Discord's forming on his face, and shouted, "Oh, Lawdy, I done punched th' God 'o Chaos sittin' in the middle of tha' road, and now I'm done stuck!" They vanished as fast as they appeared, leaving nothing behind besides a brief sense of disorientation, "Really, what did you expect to happen? Besides, between me, the Spider, and the Gentry, I'd expect you'd be used to it by now. Being abducted to terrible fates seems to be a reoccurring theme in your life."

"You...!" He started to snarl. Wait, he mentally interrupted himself. "Wait, the Gentry?"

"Whoops! Not supposed to talk about them. Lips are sealed!" He makes a motion across his mouth, causing it to vanish. "That one at least." Commented a new opening in his torso, which Lero recognizing being the spot he'd stabbed. "We don't exactly appreciate being stabbed, so forgive us if we don't feel too remorseful."

Lero brandished his bottle’s jagged end at his foe. “You deserve worse for what you've done!”

“Lero, please!” Fluttershy beseeched. “I know you’re hurt and you’re confused, but Discord’s NOT the bad guy anymore!”

“He’s gotta funny way of showing it!” Fluttershy shrank back back from his shout, and Lero took a deep breath, willing himself to bring his voice down. “Get her out of here, Discord. This is between you and me.”

Discord eyed him like an unfunny clown. Nonetheless, his mouths re-arranged themselves and he asked the pegasus, “Fluttershy, dear, why don’t you head on over and play us something nice on the pipe organ?”

“Promise not to hurt him? Please?”

Discord planted a little kiss atop her forehead. “Everything will be alright.”

She smiled and flew up to the church’s organ loft. Discord took on a martial artist’s stance; eagle talon curled into a hook, lion paw flattened for karate chops. He sneered like a proper villain.

“Come at me with everything you have, Mr. Michaelides! Let this be our final battle!” The fact that his mouth movements didn't match up with the words he was saying, gave him a dubbed-over quality. Seemed appropriate.

Lero charged and slashed for his stomach. “I’ll bet it was you who gave Twilight that spellbook!”

But Discord bounced off the ground like a rubber ball, landing halfway across the room. "Whee!" Discord responded, infuriating him further.

“You’re to blame for mix-and-matching our friends’ cutie marks and their memories!”

As he ran after Discord, the pipe organ started up, from the high balcony at the far end of the room. It took a few moments for him to recognize the tune: Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

“You’re to blame for making all of Ponyville forget who the five of them really are!”

His bottle swept out in a series of jabbing stabs. Each time, Discord dodged it better than a contortionist with a black belt. Often times in ways that made no sense or blatantly violated the laws of perspective. The draconequus flattened himself into the impossibly low ‘limbo.‘ His body swung backwards like a jump rope. He ballet-twirled from Lero’s jabs. He somehow evade an attack by being very large and far away, and once by being very small and close up. And every time he dodged, there was the sound of a slide whistle, sliding up, sliding down.

“Lero, Lero, Lero... you’re BETTER than this! Twilight told you that it was the Princess who mailed Starswirl’s book to her, and she spoke the truth!”

“How would you know what Twilight said to me?!” the human spat.

“My dear Lero... it’s child’s play when your ears are everywhere.”

And suddenly, like an invasive species of mushrooms, Discord’s ears were sprouting out of the walls, the ceiling, the floors... Lero even felt a pair of his ears pop out behind his own human ones! Screaming again, Lero rushed forth.

This time it was teleportation. Lero would ALMOST reach the mocking monster, and then — SNAP! — he was on the altar, bouncing a tennis ball on a racquet.

"Over here!" He called, gleefully. Lero ran to the altar — SNAP! — Discord was doing a handstand on the pulpit.

"Guess again!" Ran to the pulpit — SNAP! — he was tap dancing atop the confessional.

"Nope, not there either!" Lero paused, panting, glowering at the mismatched beast long enough for the creature to settle down atop the confessional, looking down at him as he started to move towards him again.

"Now, you accuse me of tampering with the souls of Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash. But I’m afraid you’re barking up the wrong tree. Starswirl’s spell — and ONLY Starswirl’s spell — is to blame for their scrambled psyches. I am entirely innocent.” He help up a lion paw, his taloned one over his heart as he said this, as if taking an oath.

Lero stopped, stumbling against a pew, struggling to get his breath back. “How can I ever trust what you say?!”

Shrugging, Discord brought out a yo-yo and proceeded to toy with it.

"You can't, really. However, you just did try to murder me, and I've just messed with you in response. At least give me the benefit of the doubt? Hey, it might be a fun story!"

Lero stared at him for several seconds before decided it wasn't worth dragging this out by calling Discord a liar every three sentences, and just save it for when the freak had said his piece.

“As for your second accusation, that I ‘made all of Ponyville forget who those five really are...’” A prison jumpsuit and handcuffs materialized over Discord’s body. “Guilty as charged. I throw myself upon the mercy of the court!” He dramatically threw himself down from the top of the confessional, into a prostrate pose.

“What?!”

“Although, you’re actually thinking in too small a scope.” He looked up at Lero, making a hand gesture with his hand with his index and thumb, peering through it as if examining something tiny. The jumpsuit and cuffs disappeared, replaced by a huge spinning globe — big as a wrecking ball — which Discord hopped on top of, running upon its North Pole like it were a treadmill, before veering down and running down its side, the entire globe shifting colors into strange, discordant clashing ones.

“It’s not JUST Ponyville. It’s EVERYWHERE. I've altered the perceptions of almost every living thing on this planet, sapient or not, so that they’ll fall in perfect lockstep with what those five believe about themselves! Ask any pony you care to! From the Crystal Ponies of the Crystal Empire, from Chrysalis and her changeling brood to the sands of Saddle Arabia... no one’s gonna believe your version of things! Because I specifically zapped them not to!”

For Lero, it felt like the temperature had dropped several degrees. “That’s... impossible!” He said, already realizing that probably wasn't true.

“You’re speaking to the guy capable of switching the sun and moon’s positions on a second-by-second basis! Remember your buddy, Big MacIntosh? All I had to do was touch my little finger to his forehead, and he was barking and burying bones and rolling over for belly rubs, just as good as Winona! Except I made Winona the one who had to fill his doggie bowl and take him for walkies! You should ask Pinkie Pie about it sometime; she’ll remember every detail about what happened to her ‘brother!’”

Lero slammed himself against Discord’s spinning globe, which did not budge. Discord's casual amused commentary about his past, and the torment on his friends infuriated him again, damn the promise to listen.

“Come down here right now and fight me like a man!” He shouted in fury.

"Tsk, I do so hate interruptions." Discord snapped his fingers, a human-sized birdcage formed around Lero.

He kicked and punched and flung himself against the bars until his knuckles bled, yelling incoherently. Lero was exhausted, sweating like a pig. Yet his grip on the broken bottle’s neck tightened all the harder, as he made a vow.

“I’ll kill you, you freak. You abomination from Hell. I don’t care how I have to do it, how much time it takes, what I have to get, or how I have to change. I’ll become as strong as I must. You’ll pay for toying with everyone’s minds! For forcing us all to bend to your lies!” He glared at Discord through the bars. “Go ahead and taunt me now! I won't be weak forever.”

The dark, gloating pride on Discord’s face ebbed away. “Jeez... now you’ve gone and made me feel all rotten.” He sighs.

Then Discord’s body transmogrified to that of Mahatma Gandhi: glasses, mustache, baldness, white robe and all. He held an olive branch in one hand and a pure-white dove in the other. “Please forgive my thoughtless indiscretions,” Gandhi-Discord said. He even managed a good Indian accent. “Violence is not the answer. Let there be peace between us, my friend.”

“Go jump in magma,” Lero answered bitterly.

Discord turned back to his normal self, but he still held onto the dove and the olive branch. “Maybe the Element Bearers didn’t tell you, or maybe you’re one of the skeptics, but I assure you, I’m not the same draconequus I was.”

“Oh?” Lero sneered. “‘Reformed,’ are you?” He did remember being told their efforts were successful, but he hadn't seen a thing so far to make him believe that was true.

“Reformed I am. You’ll find that nowadays I mended all my ways, repented, seen the light and made a switch.” Discord turned backwards, smiling in Fluttershy’s direction, who music was still lilting down from above.

Lero pointed his bottle at his eyes. “All I see is a dragon that needs to be slain.”

Discord sighed tiredly. “Or a Chimera, perhaps. Ironically appropriate. But before you go back to swinging your Sword of Righteousness at me, Brave Sir Michaelides, why not do the ACTUAL heroic thing, and give me a chance to justify my actions?”

He stuck the olive branch in Lero’s cage.

“Truce?”

Hating himself for every second of it, Lero took the olive branch and threw the broken bottle aside. What good was it doing him against the Embodiment of Chaos, anyway? The bottle grew mole claws, squeaked cutely, and burrowed its way underground.

“Excellent.” Discord snapped his fingers and the birdcage fell apart. “Now let me explain: what I’m doing is not in the spirit of malice or mischief. Rather, it was a KINDNESS to my Element-Bearing friends.”

“Kindness?!” Lero balked. “You broke families apart with your mind games! Including mine!”

The draconequus shrugged, seeming genuinely sad for a moment. “Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.”

“Here, take your stupid olive branch back!”

The dove in Discord’s hand transformed into some manner of handheld device. Lero had just enough time to recognize it as a breathalyzer, before the draconequus jammed its mouthpiece against his mouth.

“I must admit, Lero, I’m amazed how articulate you are as a drunk. No shilly shlurring of wordshhh, no hiccups, no nothing.”

Discord drew away from the breathalyzer, and Lero saw that it was clinging firmly to his lips... clinging to his FACE. The thing was sucking... something out of of him! A facehugger!

“But that attitude of yours! You’re mopey and dreary, you fly off the handle, you’re mean to people who wanna be friends with you, you’re just no fun at all as a drunk!”

Lero tried to pull it off, but as he pulled, he watched his own face stretch comically, like a cartoon. Startled, it snapped back in place, leaving only a faint sting of the impact. Lero found he could breathe through it quite comfortably. And yet there was no denying the thing was sucking something out of him. What was it? His soul? But as the seconds passed, Lero discovered he could think more clearly. The buzz was leaving his head. The world was getting less and less swimmy...

...After a while, Discord popped it out of his mouth. “Welcome back to sobriety!”

Lero felt at his head and blinked his eyes. “Oh my God... I am sober!”

“Yep! This little guy feeds off inebriation, sucks it right out of drunks! Isn’t that right, buddy?”

“That it is!” chirped the ‘breathalyzer,’ and bowed respectfully to Lero. “Thank you for being such a delicious meal, sir!” Discord tossed it aside... and it somehow skittered off.

“So! Ready to go back to being the sweet little boy that Twilight, Lyra, and Rarity fell so much in love with?”

Lero paused... and then felt intense embarrassment. Despite Discord's comments, normally he was a relaxed, friendly drunk. If the situation had simply been Dash genuinely dumping him — while still remaining herself — he'd probably simply be an inconsolable, sobbing wreck. Just the buildup of the past several days of physical, mental, and emotional torment, including his best efforts to correct the situation being blatantly, absurdly, denied by the enchantment had pushed him to the edge. All that it took to push him over was just a little bit of booze. Even if Discord didn't deserve better, the Cakes certainly did.

"...Sorry." he murmured, not sure who to in particular.

“Then let’s continue.”

A pull cord dropped all the way down from the ceiling by Discord's side. The draconequus tugged it, and trapdoors opened beneath both their feet. Lero yelped as they fell...

...Into a movie theater, landing in adjacent seats.

They were right in the middle of the theater's center row. The big screen was still showing advertisements... for things like desk lamps you could shave your cat with, and a powder for turning milk into concrete. No one else was in the theater with them.

Discord pulled out two ice cream cones from thin air, and offered Lero one. “Snack?”

The cone that Discord was holding out to Lero appeared to be basic vanilla. The one he kept for himself had loads of cherries in it.

“Sure, why not?” He licked the ice cream cone, and nearly dropped it when he tasted hot pepperoni pizza, straight from the oven.

“How is it?” asked Discord.

Lero took another taste. “Delicious,” he said, and meant it. As long as you could make yourself forget that ice cream was supposed to be cold, and that pizza was meant to be chewed, not licked... it made for one fine scoop of pizza.

“What flavor did you get?”

"Caviar,” answered the draconequus, taking a slow, showy lick.

The theater went dark. Adventurous-sounding trumpet music started up, and the words FEATURE PRESENTATION flashed onscreen.

“Ooh!” Discord clapped him chummily on the shoulder. “You’re gonna love this, Lero! It’s a double feature!”

Lero leaned forward in his chair.

* * *

PINKIE THE FARMER
Act One

FADE IN:

EXT. SWEET APPLE ACRES - DAY

Open on PINKIE PIE; frustrated and ill-tempered, in the Apple family’s apple orchard. She has STRAIGHT HAIR and the APPLE-BASED CUTIE MARK that once belonged to her friend Applejack.

Again and again, she tries to BUCK the same APPLE TREE, but no matter how long or how hard Pinkie kicks, none of its APPLES fall into the BASKETS laid underneath, because Pinkie lacks the EXPERIENCE and the LEG MUSCLE to pull it off.

But she keeps at it with a mindless PERSISTENCE that would almost be ZOMBIE-LIKE, except she’s channeling powerful emotion into her task: growing frustration.

Then young APPLE BLOOM enters the scene, trotting over curiously to Pinkie Pie.

Throughout the dialogue that is to follow, Pinkie Pie will not quit bucking the tree for an instant. She speaks to Apple Bloom without once looking her way.

APPLE BLOOM
Hey... uh... Pinkie?

PINKIE PIE
(high-strung, almost vicious)
Whaddaya want, lil’ sister?!

APPLE BLOOM
(completely perplexed)
Sister?! Me?

PINKIE PIE
Yeah, yew! Mah cutie mark says we’re sisters, and who am Ah ta contradict it?!

APPLE BLOOM
Then yer mark don’t know what it’s talking about. Ah only have one sister, Pinkie, and that’s Applejack.

PINKIE PIE
How dare yew impugn the trustworthiness of mah cutie mark! It says we’re sisters, so we’re sisters, and that’s that!

APPLE BLOOM
Then how come Applejack’s name is something apple-based, like all ponies with Apple family blood in their veins, while yew got named ‘Pinkie Pie?’

PINKIE PIE
Ah have no idea.

APPLE BLOOM
An what kind of an Apple needs to buck the tree fifty bazillion times, and nothing drops?!

PINKIE PIE
Don’t yew dare try ta muddy the issue with glaringly obvious logic! That’s jest a disrespectful thang ta do!

APPLE BLOOM
Stop talkin’ like that! Stop mockin’ mah accent! T’ain’t nice a’yew, Pinkie!

PINKIE PIE
Whudder yew babblin’ about?! Ah’ve had the exact same accent yew do since the day Ah learnt ta talk!

APPLE BLOOM
But Applejack...

PINKIE PIE
Applejack?! The frilly fancy-schmancy dressmaker?! What business would SHE have on a farm like ours?! And Ah don’t have any clue why yew’d think she was yer sister! She’s already got one! Sweetie Belle!

APPLE BLOOM
Sweetie Belle?!
(nervous gulp)
Hey, uh... ‘sis?‘ Mind if Ah take a gander at that cutie mark a’yours yew’ve been on and on about?

PINKIE PIE
What’s stoppin yew?

Apple Bloom crosses over to get a better look at the mark on Pinkie’s flank. Her eyes bulge. She stares at Pinkie Pie in absolute horror.

APPLE BLOOM
That’s... that’s Applejack’s mark! Yew dun stole Applejack’s cutie mark right offa her flank, and put it on yer own! What manner of freakish and unnatural witchcraft is this?!

Pinkie Pie stops bucking. She turns around and hunkers down, eye-level with Apple Bloom. The look on Pinkie’s face is SCARY.

PINKIE PIE
Yew’ve been helping yerself ta them bottles that me and Granny and Big Mac told ya never ta go near, haven't ya?! Oh, yew bad, bad girl. Ah’m-a-gonna tan yer hide something FIERCE.

Fearing for her life, Apple Bloom gallops away towards her home, hollering at the top of her lungs.

APPLE BLOOM
Graaaaaaaany! Big Maaaaaaac!

PINKIE PIE
(yelling after her)
Yeah! Yew’d better run to Mac ‘n’ Granny! And be sure yew tell ’em yew’ve been raidin’ the liquor cabinet! If Ah have to tell 'em, it’ll be a double-whupping for ya!

For a few seconds of screen time, Pinkie goes back to bucking. Then Apple Bloom returns with BIG MACINTOSH and GRANNY SMITH. The filly points a shaky forehoof at Pinkie Pie’s new mark.

APPLE BLOOM
T-there it is! Plain as day for all the world ta see!

GRANNY SMITH
(also horrified)
Land sakes! Mac, d’ya see it?! It IS her mark!

Big Macintosh nods, deeply troubled. All three of the Apples come closer to Pinkie.

GRANNY SMITH
What’ve yew done ta my granddaughter, Pinkie Pie?!

PINKIE PIE
(confused)
AH’M yer granddaughter, Granny!

GRANNY SMITH
No, yew ain’t. Yer no kin’a mine. Yer that crazy girl who works at Sugar Cube Corner!

PINKIE PIE
I’m Fluttershy?!
(licks lips)
But... no, Granny, Ah AM yer kin! Big Brother, tell her it t’ain’t true!

BIG MACINTOSH
(icy glare)
Get off our farm.

Pinkie Pie gapes at her ‘family,’ thunderstruck and heartbroken.

APPLE BLOOM
No, Mac! DON’T let her off our farm! We can’t let her leave! She has Applejack’s cutie mark! Let’s lock her in the barn until we can get Applejack and Twilight here, so the unicorn can put Applejack’s mark back where it belongs!

GRANNY SMITH
(nodding)
Child’s wise beyond her years!

PINKIE PIE
Yer... yer all disowning me? AND yer stoppin’ me from farming?

GRANNY SMITH
“Farming?!”

Granny sneers at all the un-bucked trees.

GRANNY SMITH
Way Ah reckon, ya ain’t done a lick of work, missy!

Pinkie Pie SNAPS. She’s stark raving mad.

PINKIE PIE
How could ya’ll disown me?! Ah need to do this! Ah need to! It’s mah destiny! It’s gotta be! It’s what mah cutie mark is telling me, and it won’t shut up! It never shuts up, not fer a second! How dare yew horrible ponies take this farm away from me! It’s the only thang that quiets the voices just a little itty bit! BUCK YOU ALL! Ya’ll done woke up the dragon today! AH DON’T EVEN CARE IF YER FAMILY OR NOT!!!

From behind a tree, Pinkie pulls out a giant, gas-powered chainsaw. She yanks back on its ripcord and it ROARS to life.

PINKIE PIE
RAAAAHHH!!!!

The screen goes BLACK. But we still hear the RUMBLING ROAR of the chainsaw, the VENGEFUL SHRIEKS of Pinkie Pie... and then the doomed WAIL of Apple Bloom, coupled with the CHAINSAW GRINDING through her flesh, muscle, and bone.

* * *

PINKIE THE FARMER
Act Two

FADE IN:

EXT. SWEET APPLE ACRES - THE NEXT DAY

It is a different day, but Pinkie Pie is still bucking that that same one tree.

A little off to her left: THREE NEW TOMBSTONES.

Then a unicorn in a white coat named WHITE COAT approaches Pinkie.

WHITE COAT
Miss Pinkie Pie? We’ll need you to come with us. Quietly.

PINKIE PIE
Ah’m farming! Get offa mah proppity!

White Coat floats a SYRINGE towards Pinkie while her back is turned, and injects SEDATIVE into her BUTT. She FLUMPS OVER. White Coat turns around.

WHITE COAT
Get her in the wagon, boys.

FADE TO BLACK

* * *

PINKIE THE FARMER
Act Three

FADE IN:

INT. INSANE ASYLUM - NIGHT

Pinkie Pie is in a straitjacket in her own padded room. She just looks sad and doesn't move from her spot. The NOISES of other MENTAL PATIENTS from the other cells all serve as background noise: NONSTOP GIGGLING, INCOHERENT PRATTLING, SPEAKING IN TONGUES, TURKEY GOBBLING, HOWLER MONKEY HOWLS, LOUD PRAYERS TO DEMONS, ETCETERA.

PINKIE PIE
(small, defeated voice)
Why won’t they jest let me farm?

THE END

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL CREDITS

* * *

A ridiculously long list of credits began to roll across the screen Discord and Lero were watching.

“Pinkie would never use a gas-powered chainsaw on other ponies!” Lero whispered in horror. Then, with more conviction, he turned and said, “They don’t even use gasoline as a fuel in Equestria!”

The Embodiment of Chaos scoffed. “Oh, SUE me for taking some artistic license! Would you like me to replay that scene with her using an axe, instead? What's next, you going to criticize me with the technical inaccuracy of her not baking them into cupcakes? Some people!” he rolled his eyes, both in their sockets, and spiraling around on his face.

“Pinkie would NEVER slaughter an entire family like that!” Lero insisted. "Especially not one she believed to be her own!"

Discord clasped his talon and paw together, studying Lero with an owlish look.

“Let me get this straight. You’re saying if someone or something threatened to deprive a swapped pony of something her new cutie mark’s telling her to obsess over... you believe that pony would show restraint? Interesting.”

He looked over Lero’s shoulder. “What do you make of that theory, Mr. 7?”

Lero nearly had a heart attack. In the chair right next to him, sat Mr. 7, cross-legged, sitting awkwardly in the tiny theater seat, a bag of popcorn in its lap, the end one spider-talon propped inside the bag. The Bramblewood Titan Spider wasn’t alive though. Nothing but a maimed corpse, still smoldering, just as Rarity had left him.

“Quiet fellow,” Discord remarked.

A leg of Mr. 7’s broke off on its own as the theater darkened again, causing a faint clatter as it hit the ground.

“Anyway, sssh, this is the best bit! Part Two of our twice-told tale! And you’ll want to finish that off quickly, Lero, dear, before it explodes into fire. Or turns into a bat.”

Lero lapped at his pizza-ice cream in earnest while crossing over to sit in the chair at Discord’s other side, putting the draconequus between himself and Mr. 7.

You just never really knew.

* * *

PINKIE THE FARMER
(Revised by Discord)

FADE IN:

EXT. SWEET APPLE ACRES - DAY

Open on PINKIE PIE; frustrated and ill-tempered, in the Apple family’s apple orchard. She has STRAIGHT HAIR and the APPLE-BASED CUTIE MARK that once belonged to her friend Applejack.

Again and again, she tries to BUCK the same APPLE TREE, but no matter how long or how hard Pinkie kicks, none of its APPLES fall into the BASKETS laid underneath, because Pinkie lacks the EXPERIENCE and the LEG MUSCLE to pull it off.

But she keeps at it with a mindless PERSISTENCE that would almost be ZOMBIE-LIKE, except she’s channeling powerful emotion into her task: growing frustration.

Then young APPLE BLOOM enters the scene, trotting over curiously to Pinkie Pie.

But just before she opens her mouth to speak, DISCORD materializes right behind the little filly SILENTLY. Neither pony sees him.

One FINGER of his touches down upon Apple Bloom’s HEAD: the lightest, quickest tap imaginable.

As Discord fades away, Apple Bloom’s EYEBALLS roll upwards for several seconds, showing the whites. Then they roll BACK DOWN, and Apple Bloom smiles at Pinkie pleasantly.

APPLE BLOOM
(cheerfully)
Hiya, big sister! Granny’s made some lemonade for us back at the farmhouse! Wanna take a break and have some with us?

PINKIE PIE
Can’t. Bucking.

APPLE BLOOM
Okie-dokie-lokie!

As the filly trots back to the farmhouse, Pinkie Pie freezes up. Somehow, those last words of Apple Bloom’s have touched some deep part of Pinkie’s psyche. Then she shakes her head and resumes bucking.

THE END

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL CREDITS

* * *

“...And they all lived happily ever after.” Discord was quoting the words now on the movie screen, right down to the underline. "Well." He rubbed his chin. "Maybe not happily, but alive, nonetheless."

Lero thought and thought. “There’s got to be some way to make them remember what their real identities are. There’s gotta be!”

Discord stretched his arms wide, the number ONE and TWO appearing in each hand.

“There’s actually two ways, The first is to just find a cure." He tosses the number one onto the movie screen, where it melted into a projection: a brief vignette of the restored Bearers of Harmony, happily enjoying their true natures with gusto again.

"The second is to prove the truth to them.”

“So it is possible?” asked Lero, “You can prove it to them?”

“The people of your own world were able to prove that the Earth revolved around the sun, instead of the other way around, weren't they? So yes, it is possible. If your arguments are watertight. If your evidence is rock-solid. It won’t be easy at all, especially with their physical senses lying to them. But yes, you CAN unravel the webs of self-deception they've built around themselves. Tear the blinders off their eyes... while they still have their new cutie marks...”

He tossed the two onto the movie screen, where it flashed into light and sound. Fluttershy... Pinkie Pie... Rainbow Dash... Applejack... Rarity... they were all now mad-eyed butchers. Howling, gibbering, SCREAMING insane... a danger to themselves and everyone else. They stabbed, they trampled, they sprinted after terrified victims, they targeted their loved ones first... the montage of gore rolled on before the human's eyes.

“...But that’s not the cure.” Discord said. “Their heads are now telling them they’re one pony. But their marks are telling them they’re another. And neither one shuts up. And this split in their personality will tear their sanity right down the middle. Worst scenario imaginable.”

Mercifully, the film ended. Lero's blood ran cold, realizing what he'd almost done. If all this was true, without Discord's efforts to hide the truth, he might have just driven Rainbow Dash incurably insane. He watched Discord pull out a yellow pegasus feather, toss it up, and then twirl his finger, filling it with his magic and making it dance in the air.

“Once upon a time, I’d have gotten the biggest kick out of watching all the Elements of Harmony degenerate into homicidal maniacs. But I’m not that guy anymore. I owe them big. Especially...”

Discord caught the feather and tucked it away.

“These exchanged cutie marks have an absolute stranglehold upon your friends’ minds, Lero. It’s not like poor Pinkie Pie can go buy some land and start her own apple farm: it has to be Sweet Apple Acres! It’s not like Applejack can build her own dress shop: it has to be the Carousel Boutique! I cannot even exaggerate how all-consuming these impulses within them are.”

Lero couldn't think of what to say.

“I put the whole world under a bewitchment to eliminate any possibility that someone — a long-distance pen pal, a cousin from out-of-town, government inspectors — would suddenly come and prevent these five from performing their pathological compulsions in peace. So whatever else you do, Lero: do not take Rainbow Dash away from her critters, do not stop Rarity from performing her weather magic, do not stop Applejack from sewing, do not keep Pinkie Pie off of Sweet Apple Acres, and do not prevent Fluttershy from... well... trying to be Pinkie Pie. They can be scorned, despised, pitied, laughed at, beaten up, they can fail endlessly at what they do! But if you get in the way of their ‘thing,’ they will grow dangerously insane and violent.”

Lero nodded, wide-eyed.

“My bewitchment is preserving innocent lives, and the remnants of your friends’ sanity!”

Fluttershy was right: Discord wasn't the bad guy here.

“...But why am I not bewitched too?” the human asked. “Or Spike, or...”

“Ah.” A rolled-up scroll appeared in Discord’s hand. “And now we get to the heart of the matter. Here’s the thing, Lero: Twilight Sparkle must be the one to uncover a cure for the cutie swap and complete Starswirl’s unfinished spell."

“Why?”

Discord shook his head, smiling, wagging a taloned finger at Lero. “Ah, Ah, Ah! Spoilers! All you have to know is that there is a grander scheme at play. Twilight has to be the one to come to a solution. Here, take a look at this list.”

He unfurled the scroll.

DISCORD’S COMPLETE
EXEMPT-FROM-BEWITCHMENT LIST
1) Discord
2) Twilight Sparkle
3) Bellerophon Michaelides
4) Lyra Heartstrings
5) Spike
6) (The name was scratched out. Next to it, Discord had pencilled in the words "A Surprise!")
7) Princess Celestia
8) Princess Luna

“Just so you know, It was Celestia, herself, who asked for my help with this bewitchment,” said Discord. “She’s the one who sanctioned it! She wanted to make sure Twilight had enough time to figure out a cure without anything bad happening.”

Lero got a brainwave. “We’re not part of the bewitchment,” he pointed at his, Lyra’s and Spike’s name, “because we’re all part of Twilight’s herd!”

Discord clapped. “Bravo! Bravo! The kid has brains! Yes, the reason why you were spared was because if absolutely everyone else agreed with Rarity & Friends’ viewpoint, Twilight might be peer-pressured into thinking she was deluded! That Applejack being an apple farmer was just a dream!”

“And by keeping us — her nearest and dearest — aware of the truth, Twilight has people she can talk to while she works to find a cure!”

“He shoots, he scores!” the draconequus cheered, the theater shifting into a basketball court, a perfect three pointer swishing into the net, the loud score buzzer and cheers echoing about them.

“But why MUST it be Twilight, though?! Discord, a guy like you can alter the minds of this entire world’s population! Five ponies should be no trouble at all! I wish you’d just fix this yourself!”

The human would’ve said more, but actual hellfire was shooting out of Discord’s ears and nose. The draconequus stood and grew fifteen feet tall and fifteen feet wide.

“Wish? Wish, did you say?!” he snarled. “I’ll tell you something, Mr. Michaelides, if there’s one thing I hate more than Order, it’s greedy, presumptuous little mortals like you trying to make me their wishing genie!”

He held up a lamp... a distinctly-shaped brass lamp they used in all adaptions of Aladdin. The next thing Lero knew he was a human sardine — squashed, knees to face — in a small, oddly shaped brass coffin. He was inside Aladdin’s lamp!

Phenomenal cosmic powers! Itty-bitty living space! His inner cynic jeered.

Lero couldn't even push himself out of this fetal position. He could here mechanical grinding sounds outside the lamp like a really old-fashioned elevator. The lid of the lamp opened, and Discord stuck his angry eye inside.

“When I say, ‘It must be Twilight,’ there’s a REASON!” the draconequus hissed. “I’m doing enough already! It’s not like the LAST ponies who’d had their marks swapped had the benefit of my bewitchment covering for them!”

“Y-yes, sir!” the human whimpered. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

"That's a boy. Besides, it's not as if I'm happy about the situation, either." He tipped over the lamp, Lero having the disorienting sensation of being poured out. "We have the poor sweet young thing failing at being funny and the comedian too busy kicking trees to be funny." He shook out the last drop, the last of Lero's hair plopping into place and becoming solid. "It's not right."

Lero just rapidly nodded with his eyes shut, the rapid mood swings wholly off-putting. Perhaps continuing this conversation longer than necessary was a bad idea. Lero finally found the presence of mind to look about, and found himself inside a rickety and old-fashioned, (yet well-kept) elevator. Instead of buttons, there was a lever which Discord had his talon around. They were chugging upward.

“Not to worry, not to worry!” the draconequus laughed, blithely patting the human’s shoulders. “We’re all the best of friends, aren't we?”

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. "Top floor! Ponies and Friendship and Magic!" Discord announced.

Lero stepped outside. He was... home. Right in front of Twilight’s library home. The human quickly circled around Discord’s golden elevator: it had pushed out from a small patch of grass right on their front lawn. Then he looked inside the elevator at Discord, and pointed backwards at the tree-home. “Is that really where I live?” he asked. “Or are we still in your wonderland of chaos?”

“You’re home, Lero,” Discord answered. “Back to the world ruled by Order and Princess Celestia and The Magic of Friendship.” He chuckled softly. “I’ll be keeping my eye on you and all your herd. You’re a very entertaining bunch. Arrivederci!”

Discord pulled down on the lever. The elevator shut and descended, leaving a gaping, elevator-sized hole that led endlessly downward. Perhaps to the opposite end of this world, or the core of the planet, or to Discord’s twilight zone. Lero gave into the primal urge all men have when they stand before a bottomless chasm: he spat down it, just to watch the loogie vanish.

Yeah, he’d have to cover that with dirt or rocks or something later on.

The moon was out; he guessed it to be somewhere between 6 to 8 at night. He still had on his trench coat and University of Idaho shirt, still had his wallet and cell phone and car keys. How odd.

He walked to the door and turned the knob. Only it was Discord’s deer antler.

“Surprise!”

Lero backed away quickly from the draconequus, who extracted himself from his own front door.

“Just had a thought,” Discord said, coming towards him in great strides. “You've been such a good boy overall, Lero... I’m going to let you have a gift.”

“Will I like this gift?” asked the human warily.

Discord grinned with all his teeth. “I’ll let you have a choice of which gift to get!”

And he grabbed Lero by the shirt, and hoisted him up to his eye level. The human kicked at the air with his feet.

“Option Number One!”

Discord held up a framed family picture of Lero, Rainbow Dash, Twilight, Lyra, and Spike. Lero immediately recognized it as the one in his bedroom! Discord must have taken it... or possibly created a duplicate. He lifted it up to his face, covering his right eye with the picture. Lero's started to protest, but then his left eye got all swirly... so soothingly swirly... and the protest died in his throat.

“Are you suuuuure you see a pegasus in this picture?”

The swirly-swirly-swirly bored into Lero’s head like a soft, gentle drill. The longer he looked between the picture and Discord’s eye... the more the now-shy animal caretaker... faded. And the more his white-coated weather mare came into clearer focus.

“This whole Rarity-for-Rainbow exchange has gotten you so terribly bothered and bewildered, hasn't it?”

Such a calming voice the draconequus had. How lovely Rarity looked, nestled up against him.

“I can simplify things. Strike you off the exemption list. You’ll remember things the way Rarity remembers... the way Dash remembers... the way PONYVILLE remembers! You can love Rarity freely, in all senses of the word! After Twilight finds a cure... how can Dash blame you for believing Rarity was your main squeeze? You were all under the same spell! Just say yes, and all the anguish and all the melodrama in your love life gets blown out the door!”

Yes, of course. How could he even think about giving up his first love? Him and Rarity... so beautiful, elegant, eloquent, and magical... they had always been there for each other, the first of his three wonderful unicorns, they were the foundation of this herd... forever together, it had always been this way...

“NO!” Lero squeezed his eyes shut. “The truth’s too valuable, and too few of us know it already! Twilight needs us all. Besides, whatever I do, good or bad, whatever pain I go through, I want to be the one responsible for my own actions! My own thoughts! Not some bewitchment spell!”

Discord’s eyes lost their spiraling swirl, and the family photo disappeared. “Interesting. Truly interesting." Discord actually seemed... mildly impressed. "Then you automatically get Gift Number Two.” The draconequus set Lero down.

“Remember this scene?”

His arms turn into flesh-and-blood puppets of Rainbow Dash and Lero, frighteningly realistic, as if Rainbow Dash and himself had grown out of the stumps of Discord's wrists.

“But look! I got uniforms! Paperwork! Photographic evidence!” screamed the Lero puppet. Oh, God, the voices were even right.

“You’re a crazed, crazy crazyhead from Crazytown!” screeched the Dash puppet. “Get outta my cottage!”

Then the Lero puppet snapped its fingers.

“There!” said Discord. “It never happened. Purged from Rainbow Dash’s memory banks.”

Lero looked at him with wonder and near-disbelief as Discord leaned in closer.

"I’ve given you a second chance with her, Lero." He winked at him. "Let’s see what you do with it. Oh! And one more extra bonus!”

The Rainbow Dash puppet changed to a Mr. Cake puppet.

“Switch! Swap! Switch! Swap! Switch! Switch! Swap! Who’s who?! My girl dumped me! Waaaaah! I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!” the Lero puppet whined.

“Why must I suffer such fools?” groaned the Mr. Cake puppet.

Again, the Lero puppet snapped his fingers, and Discord's hands transforming back into their proper shape.

“Aaaaaand more mind wipes! Everyone who saw you drunk in Sugar Cube Corner doesn’t recall it at all! Alright, Lero, I’m done for real now. Say hi to both your fillies for me, they've been waiting a long time for you to come home!”

And Discord stood in front of the huge bottomless hole his elevator had made, hopping up once, twice, three times, like a diver on a diving board, before cannonballing in; the ground closing up behind him.

Lero quickly went back to the front door, and this time, nothing happened to the knob when he turned it...

* * *

...White and purple. White atop purple. Sound left his ears. No, that wasn’t quite right; Lero felt like his body had temporarily rendered him deaf against his will so that his eyes could take in the scene twice as sharply.

Holy Toledo... Lero thought to himself. She’s actually gone and done it. Is doing it!

Twilight and Rarity were dolphin-style against each other. Right on the floor, in the middle of the foyer. They were the first thing Lero saw, halfway through the front door’s swinging open.

Rarity had Twilight pinned bodily to the floor, under the weight of her body and her hooves. Stomach to stomach, she rocked back and forth against the unicorn beneath; her gorgeous ivory pelt against Twilight’s lavender. The librarian’s tail lay flat upon the floor, only giving slight twitches giving the impression of being overwhelmed, while the former fashionista’s hung upright in their air; alert and eager.

This gave Lero — and anyone who happened to passing by at this late hour — a full display of both the unicorns‘ innermost depths, for the forgotten front door simply remained wide open. Several insects quietly let themselves inside the house as Lero moved further in.

“Ruh... Rah... Rare...” Lero heard Twilight pant. Oh good. Sound had returned.

Rarity tilted Twilight’s chin up with a hoof until Celestia’s protégé opened her eyes. “Relax,” she crooned, “Tonight is all about you, my darling. Tonight, don’t even talk... just lie back and let your Rarity handle all the work for you.”

As with everything else about Rarity these days, the way she was making love to Twilight Sparkle had a surreal, dissonant, and inexplicable quality to it. Just to start with, there was the sweat. Twilight was drenched, sopping with sweat. All her fur and mane was feverishly clumping and matted from all the sweat seeping from every pore underneath. Its pungency permeated the whole of the foyer like strong incense, (along with that other scent Lero had come to know so well: the hormonal aroma of mares in the throes of passion.) Rarity, though... while the white unicorn did have sweat on her coat, it seemed almost as if it had all been all been soaked up from Twilight. However long the two of them had been at this, it didn't seem like Rarity had shed a drop of her own perspiration.

Rarity’s curled, prehensile tail suddenly swept downward, coiled itself all around Twilight’s twitching, overwhelmed one, and lifted it lovingly in the air. For a few seconds, Twilight’s tail stayed unresponsive... and then it coiled itself back around Rarity’s. The tails were entwined tightly around each other like an amorous pair of ropes.

“You mean so much to to me,” she cooed, cupping both of Twilight’s cheeks in her hooves. “My sweet enchantress. You’re so kind, brave, precious, adorable, devoted, scholarly, hardworking, and beautiful.”

She punctuated each adjective with a kiss: to Twilight’s snout, to her cheeks, a loving nip on her ear, on her lips. She slipped her tongue in, and Twilight’s mewling rose an octave, even as her own tongue danced with Rarity’s.

More things stuck out at Lero besides the sweating, like the way they each breathed and spoke. While Twilight had been reduced to a thing of ragged, fleeting inhales, and shuddery gasping exhales, Rarity’s breaths were just as deep, measured, and controlled as a yoga breathing exercise. How could she even DO that in the middle of sex?! Where Twilight couldn’t even voice a word, Rarity filled her ears with honeyed praise in dulcet tones.

Finally, there were the facial expressions. Twilight’s eyelids went back and forth from almost-opening fluttering to scrunching down to a painful tightness. Her mouth vacillated between forming a round O to her entire jaw dropping, almost like a cartoon character. While Rarity... Rarity was serene. Her smile was gentle and angelic, almost an exact match for the ones which Princess Celestia, herself, loved to favor her faithful student with. Completely at odds with the orgasm she was working to bring Twilight to.

Lero watched Rarity’s forehooves press down upon the upper portion of Twilight’s chest, kneading and caressing as skillfully as hooves could achieve. And while covered by their tails now, he could clearly see her hips moving, rubbing them together down below. The sides of their glowing horns slid against each other, and sparks erupted from them both with each stroke.

It was as though Rarity were the master, the long-distance marathon runner, while Twilight was just a straggling amateur, red-faced, wheezing, about to buckle. And yet, the master did not look upon this amateur with scorn or impatience or superior smugness. No, it was with deepest fondness... nothing but the warmest affection.

But it’s not like Twilight’s some inexperienced virgin! The logical part of Lero’s mind cried out in despair. Me and Dash and Lyra saw to that MANY times! She can go the distance with all three of us!

Another thought struck him: Despite her occasional histrionics, Rarity had always struck him as the eldest and most mature of Twilight's friends. While he knew Rainbow had next-to-no experience before he'd entered her life, perhaps Rarity was more... practiced? It seemed improbable how much in control, how skilled she was with Twilight. Just what kind of power was this?! Was Rarity just that damn good? Or was it this unfinished curse-of-a-spell that he and Twilight were trying so hard to adapt to? That they both wanted so badly to reverse...

...Or at least I’d thought Twilight wanted to reverse... Lero thought, sourly watching the purple unicorn’s hind legs kick feebly at the air underneath Rarity.

Then Rarity’s mouth engulfed Twilight Sparkle’s horn, her tongue lapping circles around the base of it, where it connected to the rest of her head. Yet another moan rolled up Twilight’s throat, and she twitched erratically. Rarity suckled the horn's base, her lips tight but somehow dainty as they slowly climbed back upwards towards the tip, her tongue tracing a path up the spiraling grove of her horn.

Lero couldn't tear his eyes away. How dearly he wished he could have said that none of this did anything for him; that seeing the two unicorns intimately entwined wasn't the least bit sexy!

The white unicorn withdrew her lips just long enough to observe a the glow on the very tip of Twilight’s horn intensify, no bigger than the flame on a matchstick’s head. Rarity’s lips closed around this spark, and proceeded to suck it with gentle enthusiasm. Like she were drinking a milkshake from the horn.

Twilight’s entire body quivered, she whined in yearning. Magic flared up brighter upon both unicorns’ horns in a steady buildup. Lero could see it most plainly atop Rarity’s head: her entire horn was aglow and intensifying, but he could also see another glow brightening through the flesh of Rarity’s cheeks.

They hit their peaks. Rarity came first, a miniature, multicolored firework spraying out from her horn, which fizzled away harmlessly on the floor. Seconds later, Twilight let out a piercing yell, and Rarity’s cheeks expanded, chipmunk-like. She gulped it down. Tiny wisps of smoke had escaped from her lips and hung in the air. Rarity inhaled it back in and swallowed that, too.

Twilight’s head flopped down to the floor; a boneless, sweat-soaked heap of jelly, stunned in the afterglow. Rarity drew down and kissed her ear.

“I love you so much,” Rarity whispered into it.

“I... I’m... very glad you love me, Rarity,” Twilight answered tiredly.

Ever-so-gently, Rarity rotated herself around to face her beloved human, still atop Twilight’s worn-out form. The faint mirth in her eyes told him she known he’d been watching all along. Her amorous, wifely smile promised: You’re next.

“Welcome home, my sweet prince.”

Her horn shone and the front door closed and locked itself. His brain froze and his legs stiffened like trees. Her horn shone again. The puffy, inner folds of Twilight’s most private region glistened with what the harlequin romances of both Equestria and Earth liked to refer to as ‘nectar.’ A small cloud of Rarity’s magic formed in front of Twilight’s still-quivering folds, and soaked up this nectar up inside itself.

Then the cloud of nectar floated over to Rarity’s lips. Lero thought she’d gulp it all down. Instead, her tongue darted straight through the very center of the floating glob, then drew back in. Just a small taste.

“Hmm. She’s especially delicious tonight, for some reason. But you must be parched. Have the rest!”

The nectar floated over in front of Lero’s lips, formless and especially strong-smelling. Lero sucked in a nervous breath.

“But I imagine that won’t be nearly enough to quench your thirst. Not to worry, my prince, you can drink as much of me as you please. I daresay, my body won’t need much convincing. Then, I’ll probably be a little thirsty myself, and...”

“TWILIGHT! TWILIGHT!”

Lero turned at the sound of little dragon feet hurrying down the stairs. Spike looked panicked, and held a scroll in his claw.

“Twilight, it’s... WHOA!!!!” The gob of nectar fell to floor with a small plop.

Falling flat on his tail, Spike scrambled around, squatting down with his back towards Rarity and covering his eyes with his hands.

With a mortified gasp, the white unicorn lit up her horn. The blanket from their upstairs bedroom flew from down the stairs and covered herself and Twilight.

“Spike!” she shouted, incensed. “You... you should be in bed! You've interrupted a very private moment! This isn't something for little foals to see!”

“I’m really, really, really sorry, Rarity!” said Spike. “But I just got this message, and it’s really, really, REALLY urgent! Look!”

The little dragon crumpled his scroll into a paper ball, and threw it over his shoulder towards Rarity. Lero caught the ball in midair instead, smoothed it out, and read.

His eyes widened. “Twilight! Rarity! Quick! Off the floor, right now! You need to jump in the shower, wash yourselves off, then get your tails back down here, pronto! There’s not a moment to spare!”

Twilight raised her head. “What’s the matter?!"

"What’s the emergency?!” Both unicorns shared an alarmed look. “It’s not changelings again, is it?!”

“Worse,” Lero said, flatly. “Twilight, it’s your mother. Star Sparkle is coming over for dinner, she wants a place to spend the night, and we have only an hour to get ready!”

Author's Note

Hey, everyone! Hope you're enjoying Divided Rainbow and that this chapter answered some of your questions! Thanks also, to Rikmach, my co-writer, who helped lather on an extra layer of awesome to the whole of this chapter!

Also, I have a confession to make. I won't actually be writing Star Sparkle in the next scene. Sorry about that.

BUT ARCHONIX WILL! Yes, you read right! Archonix, himself! The man who BROUGHT us Star Sparkle will be writing the Star Sparkle scene! I'm so thrilled and honored, folks, you can't even imagine! (And if you're reading this, Archonix, thank you once again!)

One more quick thing to Zer0prototype, who was curious how "that happened" between Twilight and Rarity in this chapter. Okay, I'll tell you!

---- Rarity returned back home after finishing all the errands Twilight sent her to do. She found Twilight reading her books in a glum, unhappy mood... Though she wouldn't say why. Rarity decided she'd do her best to cheer Twilight up, show her a good time, and make her feel really special and loved.

And this was her way of accomplishing that.

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