“Didn’t happen...didn’t happen...didn’t really happen, I... I still have a chance, yes, it didn’t REALLY happen...”

Spike walked alongside Lero down the maze-like hospital corridors. All attempts at catching the young dragon’s eye, or patting his shoulder only resulted in more insistent, feverish muttering. They’d fallen quite a number of paces behind Twilight Sparkle and Rarity, at Twilight’s request, so the two unicorns could have a ‘private’ conversation.

“...hospital, not a ...!” he heard a snatch of what Twilight was hissing to Rarity, up ahead.

“...about to leave the place anyway, what’s the big...?” the other unicorn argued.

“...little thing called self-control?!"

“...waited until I was sure Lero could...”

“...Tongue! Tongue! ...saw it, plain as day! Spike... years old, and you didn’t even...”

“...not like Spike is...”

“...STILL just a baby! Not a grown-up midget or...!”

“...’m so sorry. Please don’t be angry at me, Sparkle-kitten. Please?”

“K-kitten?”

The chariot Spike and Twilight had arrived in was already out front when they all stepped out of the hospital. Lero had seen his share of sky chariots before, and could tell this was one of Celestia’s.

Some sky chariots were built to flaunt opulence; all glitzed up with jewels, pearls and gold inlay, the type of chariot you rode in when they were throwing a parade in your honor. While this chariot must’ve also cost a pretty bundle, its design was streamlined for speed: the Learjet of sky chariots. Four pegasi were hitched to its front; their bodies gleaming with the brightness of lampposts.

“If yer wondering about the glowing,” one of them spoke up, catching Lero’s stare, “It’s a spell that makes us fly quicker. Won’t last forever, though, so go ahead and climb on in.”

So Lero, Spike, Rarity and Twilight all stepped in and took a seat. There was just enough room for the four of them: Rarity sat beside Lero, Spike sat across from Rarity, while Twilight was next to Spike. Since the chariot didn’t have any sort of roof, they all felt the wind rushing through their hair once they were airborne, it felt like room temperature to Lero; no sense of coldness. The human guessed this was thanks to more magic spells cast upon the chariot itself... and was proved right when a quacking duck that would’ve smashed into his face, bounced off an invisible force field instead.

“Oh, out of curiosity, how did everything go with that one spell, Sparkle-poo?”

“Spell?” Twilight repeated back at her.

“You know! That unfinished one from Beardy The Star-Swirled or whatever his name was... the reason Lero and I flew out here to begin with. How’d things go with that?”

Twilight Sparkle squirmed in her seat. Watching her was enough to give Lero a sneaking suspicion that Rarity might not be entirely responsible for all her recent weirdness, especially when Spike cracked a way-too-huge grin and said;

“It went super, Rarity! Triple-a-plus-okay! Couldn’t’ve gone better if it’d been raining emeralds!”

“Well, that’s our Twilight for you!” said Rarity, beaming proudly at her ‘herdmate.’

But Twilight hung her head. “Actually... I’m afraid Spike’s a little mistaken. The spell still needs a touch of fine-tuning and reexamination.”

“It does?” asked Rarity.

“Oh yes,” said Twilight quietly. “That spell’s going to be my number-one priority, now that I know you two are safe.”

“How much time do you think you’ll need for that?”

“As long as it takes for me to fix everything.”

When Lero saw the apology in Twilight’s eyes, he knew with cold certainty he’d reached the right conclusion this time. He and Rainbow Dash had flown for the better part of a day to get away from Ponyville, all the way out to Bramblewood Forest... and it hadn’t made a lick of difference. The spell had still had its way with them, just as they feared.

“Rub my back,” Rarity suddenly whispered to him.

Lero tried to pretend he hadn’t heard her, that all the clouds and forestland rushing past were just too fascinating to stop watching.

“Rub my back, pleeease.” She leaned against him needfully. “Come on, I’ve been such a good girl for soooo long in that boring old hospital. It’s not like I’m slipping you the tongue this time, just a teensy little back rub... I need it sooo baaaad. I won’t even make noises when you do it! Promise!”

Why did he have to always be so weak-willed? As he got to work, molding and shaping the flesh under Rarity’s sleek ivory coat, Lero’s mind desperately tried to convince him this was actually somepony else. Half of Lero’s income came from working as a masseur... and it wasn’t like ALL his clients were such exquisite, foxy, breathtaking... oh boy, this wasn’t helping...

....Anyway, some of his clients were downright ugly as sin! Take Benjamin, the 70-year-old donkey jack of a thousand wrinkles, each saggier than the next! Or Sour Pickle, whose entire body was as bald as a fish’s, (and this was no exaggeration. Ponies always described him as hairless, but next to her, Lero was practically the Abominable Snowman.) And who could forget poor, poor Potassium Chlorate, who’d lost three-fourths of her face in that tragic chemical explosion...

He closed his eyes, but he couldn’t un-hear the not-quite-soundless moans Rarity was letting out while he worked. He chanced a look at Spike. Such powerful jealousy simmered in the little guy’s eyes, Lero was in real fear that the young dragon might just fly at him to bite through his neck.

“That’s enough. My turn!”

At first, Lero figured she’d try and set her hoofs against his back, and there simply was not enough room in the chariot for that sort of thing, either seated or laying down. But then her horn shone, and he felt the first touch of telekinesis caress the back of his neck. The sensation of having his muscles kneaded without feeling the weight of a hand or a forehoof pressing into him was most extraordinary. Like being massaged by living shadows. Lero imagined if he were to remove his shirt, it would almost look like his back was massaging itself.

“Does that feel good, my love?” she breathed in his ear. “Mmm... I’ll tell you something, it’s probably for the best that Twilight brought little Spiky-Wikey along, because if it were just the three of us alone... the things I’d do to you and Twilight would probably send this chariot into a tailspin!”

There came a sound like sheet metal ripping. “Spike? What’s with those faces you’re making?”

With effort, Spike unclenched his teeth. “S-sorry, Rarity. Upset stomach.”

“Oh, you poor dear. Twilight, darling? Can’t you cast something on him to settle his tummy?”

“H-h-hey, Rarity, why not massage ME for a while?” Lero could tell by her anxious smile: it wasn’t that Twilight truly wanted her back rubbed, so much as she wanted to distract Rarity from Lero, for both Lero and Spike’s peace of mind.

“I’d be delighted to!” Yet she paused. Lero thought he saw Rarity’s eyes flick to Dash’s cutie mark. “Actually, one thing first, if you don’t mind...”

Then Rarity turned to the side and shot powerful-looking beams of magic at two large clouds their chariot was passing. The clouds reformed themselves into smooth and perfect spheres; one orange, the other blue.

“Ah, that felt good,” she sighed; proud of her handiwork. “I’ve been holding that in for WAY too long.”

Hailstones showered out from the giant cloud spheres — blue hail from the orange cloud, orange hail from the blue cloud, spilling over several acres of sycamore trees.

“Blue and orange really complement each other marvelously, don’t they?”

She turned around to hear their response. A unicorn, a dragon, and a human all gaped back at her in unabashed bewilderment.

“Rarity? Uh... why did you do that? With the clouds?” asked Twilight, speaking for all of them.

The white unicorn frowned in confusion. “Whatever do you mean, dear? It’s what I do! What I’ve always done!”

* * *

Originally, when Lero Michealides had first come to Ponyville, the first house he’d ever dwelt in had been Twilight’s live-in tree library, with Spike. Remembering that period of his life always made Lero smile. To think: all those months of living together, and there hadn’t been so much as a flicker of romantic interest between him and Twilight! My, how things had changed.

Even back then, Twilight and Spike had been terrific hosts. Twilight had been gracious to a fault, treating Lero as though he were an emissary straight from the United Nations, rather than the intergalactic castaway he truly was. And every question Lero answered — about himself, about his home world, about being human — only bred ten more in Twilight’s mind. Spike had been great, too; just plain fun to pal around with. Any source of male companionship in this world was a good thing in his books.

In return, Lero had done his utmost to be a good guest. He’d been cordial, thankful and pleasant, respected Twilight’s home rules, answered all her probing questions, and even helped Spike with his chores. Most importantly of all, Lero had made a point of not overstaying his welcome. He’d focused himself on earning money, whatever small jobs ponies were willing to give him. By and by, he’d won his neighbors’ trust and racked up the bits until he was rich enough to afford his own small home. Leaving had been such an emotional thing, but Twilight, Spike, and all Twilight’s closest friends had been there to help him move into his new home.

They’d even thrown a party for him when he’d completely moved in. Never knowing he and Rainbow Dash were destined to fall in love. Never knowing that Dash would then entice Twilight to fall for the both of them, or that Lyra Heartstrings would wish to join the picture, as well. And they’d formed a herd of five, (Spike being the fifth: the little kid brother whom the other four were raising.) Which had all necessitated another move.

Pony homes were built not only to be mobile, but connectable with one another. “Tie some ropes around ‘em, get a few earth ponies, and you can drag ‘em from one end of town to the other,” was how Rainbow Dash had explained it to him. “They’re built so they can hook together, too, and make one bigger house.”

They hadn’t done this with Lyra’s house, as Lyra had been rooming with her best friend Bonbon. They hadn’t done this with Rainbow Dash’s house, as it was made of cloud, (Dash had often spoken of selling her Cloudsdale home, but Lero had always hoped she would never follow through. It was just too fun of a vacation home.) But they had done it to Lero’s place.

Lero would never forget emptying all the stuff from his home into Twilight’s, and watching Big Macintosh, Applejack, and about six of their Earth pony kinfolk drag his home through the streets, like a team of Ancient Egyptian slaves hauling a giant limestone block to add to their pharaoh’s pyramid. Only with more camaraderie and zero whip-cracking. They had brought his house side-by-side with Twilight’s library-home. Twilight had bent her head and channeled a continuous laser-like beam for half an hour, effectively grafting their two homes together through magic.

It had been quite a sight! Part of Twilight’s tree wall simply opened up, naturally as a mouth. Bark grew itself over a side entrance of Lero’s house like a pair of lips closing over a drinking straw. The end result always struck Lero as a bit comical: his paltry little one-floor bachelor pad, dwarfed by Twilight’s towering tree. Like the house of a mad botanist who’d tampered in God’s domain.

But there was also a beautiful sense of poetry to it too. A sign of how things had come full circle for him. What he had come to mean to Twilight and the others. Whenever Lero let himself stop to consider the symbolism of it all... the sight of their home never failed to warm his heart.

* * *

It was 11:34 at night when the sky chariot landed in front of their home. Twilight thanked the charioteers, who flew off, and the four of them groggily trotted up to the door, which came right open when Spike turned the knob.

“Shoot!” he exclaimed, “Uh, wait...!” He tried shutting the door and pulling out a key, but it was too late for him to cover his tracks.

“Spike!” Rarity’s voice could hardly be sterner. “Don’t tell me you went and left Ponyville and forget to lock our doors!”

“I-it was an accident! I swear!” Spike insisted, nervously clutching his tail. “I was just so worried about you and Lero, it completely slipped my mind!”

“That’s no excuse!” Twilight snapped. “So help me, if I find so much as a single cookbook missing, it’s coming out of your allowance, buster! And if they’ve touched any of my first editions...!”

“Hey, c’mon, girls, this is PONYVILLE we’re talking about! Not some gangster-town with pickpockets in every back alley!”

“We have ENEMIES! We keep discovering new ones all the time!” The white unicorn shot back. “Forget even our personal belongings; this is where the Elements of Harmony themselves are being kept!” She opened the front door. “Look! You even left the lights on!”

The little dragon trembled. “Uh... no, I didn’t. I swear! I know I shut the lights off before we left!”

All four of them exchanged troubled looks.

“Spike, Lero, get behind us,” Twilight instructed, with the rough ‘n’ ready attitude of a black ops squad leader. “Rarity, stand close to me. We’re going in.”

“Roger that,” said Rarity, sidling up next to her.

With tremendous caution, they entered their house. The foyer was empty, but they proceeded guardedly. Like Daring Do had when sneaking through that ceremonial chamber with all the pressure plates. The unicorns frowned suspiciously at everything, no doubt seeing ninjas lurking inside every bookshelf and ceiling corner.

An umbrella was leaning by the door. Lero snatched it, uncertain whether it’d be better using it as a spear or a club. Although the umbrella was a flimsy pink thing, Spike grew visibly dismayed at not having anything weapon-like within grabbing distance. Lero tapped his shoulder, pantomiming how Spike breathed fire, and gave a thumbs-up. Grinning, Spike return the thumbs-up, and let off a soft snort of smoke from his snout.

“Be very careful, you two,” Rarity whispered, over her shoulder. “It’s possible this enemy might wield incredible magic. Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Both Rarity and Twilight’s horns were glowing very dimly. Lero wondered whether these were force blasts they were prepped to shoot, or maybe they’d given themselves infrared vision or something.

Twilight peered around a corner. The glow in her horn faded to nothing.

“Guys, I found our intruders. See for yourself.” Twilight hadn’t even bothered to speak in a hush.

Lero dropped the umbrella when he came over to see. Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash all sat at a table, fast asleep. A banner hung from the walls... or at least, that had been the intention. They hadn’t tacked it on properly to the right wall, so it’d come loose and draped itself across the tabletop. Lero had to approach closer to read what it said:

WELCOME HOME, LERO

* * *

Long ago in his boyhood, Lero’s father had once been attacked by a hornet swarm, and nearly died. Afterwards, Dad’s ears had become highly attuned to the sound of buzzing, to the point where he could hear a single bee’s buzz over the roar of a large crowd. In much this same way, after all his days with Rarity the Red-Hot Xenophile... Lero, himself, had become highly sensitized to uncharacteristic, not-their-normal-selves behavior.

Even before she came back awake, Pinkie Pie’s straight hair set off the first of his inner alarm bells.

“Hi, girls! We’re home!” Twilight called out.

One by one, Applejack, Pinkie, and Fluttershy all awoke, yawning and stretching awake. Only Rainbow Dash kept resolutely asleep, drool puddling by her lip.

“Aww, horseapples!” Pinkie drawled, shrill and irritable. “Twilight, Ah thought yew said that chariot wuz drawn by super-fast flyers!”

Straight hair, AND she speaks with a Southern accent. Lero thought to himself. Why, yes, Mr. Mad Hatter, sir, a cup of tea would really hit the spot.

“They were!” Twilight answered. “They had an acceleration spell cast on them and everything! It’s just that Lero was all the way out in Bramblewood Town!”

“Bramblewood Town? What’n tarnation were ya’ll doin’ way out’n that neck-o-the-woods, pardner?!”

This question had NOT come from Pinkie Pie. It felt downright surreal to Lero that Applejack hadn’t lost her own drawl. All things considered, he’d half-expected her to bellow every word in the Royal Canterlot Voice.

“He was recuperating in a hospital,” said Rarity, sitting at their table. “And it was all my fault. We were flying in the sky — him on my back, and he fell off. Oh, it was horrible! He fell straight through a Bramble Tower... you know what those are, right?”

“Eeyup, Ah’ve heard of them.”

“And then this great monstrous huge spider pulled Lero out of the brambles and it dragged him away. I watched it all happen; I was too slow to stop it!”

“Hey, Lero!” Fluttershy suddenly interrupted. “Welcome back! Did you here about the recent kidnapping?”

“Kidnapping?!” exclaimed Twilight.

“Kidnapping?!” exclaimed Rarity.

Kidnapping?! exclaimed Lero in his own head.

“Oh yes! But don’t worry: the kid woke up in an hour!” As the room went silent, Fluttershy shot Lero a tight, needy grin, begging him for something with her eyes.

...huh? Was all Lero could think.

Pinkie Pie groaned and scowled at the yellow pegasus. “Aw, SHUSH, yew! Give it a rest fer five apple-pickin’ minutes! Rarity’s tellin’ ‘er story!” The pink pony leaned closer, on the edge of her seat. “So what happened then?” she prompted.

Smirking coldly, Rarity showed off the bite marks Mr. 7 had left. “I followed that brute into its cave and showed it who’s boss.”

“And... and didja KISS afterward?” asked Applejack breathlessly.

“You’d expect anything less?” the unicorn answered, in a boastful way.

Lero had never heard Applejack sigh so lovey-dovey. “Awww... how sweet, it’s jest like a fairy tale!”

Rarity perked up at that. “A fairy tale? You really think so, Applejack?”

“Yew bet yer purdy little horn Ah do! The handsome prince, captured by the huge, slavering beast, and the brave, beautiful mare who loves him follows the monster to its lair to do battle and rescue him!”

The unicorn laughed delightedly. “Well, when you put it that way... yes, it did all feel quite adventurous! Classically so! Very much a fairy tale!”

“The way yew two love each other is a fairy tale by itself,” It was the first time this whole night that Pinkie Pie had truly smiled. “Ah ain’t never seen nopony more meant-fer-each-other than yew and Lero. Yer whole life’s one ongoing happily-ever-after.”

Rarity was so moved, that she left her seat to hug the pink pony.

“Ah jest wish Ah coulda been there ta see it mahself,” Applejack sighed. “Maybe even helped out.”

“Oh, Applejack, that’s so sweet of you to say, but that spider cave simply WASN’T the place for a seamstress like you,” said Rarity, but quickly added, “Which is not to say you’re useless in a fight... all six of us have fought bravely together, time and again, but...”

Applejack smiled. “It’s alright. Ah’m not insulted in the slightest. Pinkie Pie woulda been better, right?”

Listening to this conversation made Lero feel lightheaded and giddy... in all the wrong ways. He felt the mad urge to let out the tittering cackle of a brain-damaged psychiatric patient.

“Hey! Lazybones!” Pinkie snapped; sour and cantankerous again. “Rarity fought a spider and Lero fell 10,000 feet! Wake up!”

And she kicked Rainbow Dash under the table. The cyan-coated pegasus groaned softly, almost opened an eye, then fell right back to sleep.

“Ah oughta be doing the same thing,” Pinkie sighed. “Gotta git up at the dag-gum crack of dawn.”

“Oh, oh, oh!” Fluttershy shot up like a student who knew the answer to the teacher’s question. “Speaking of which... Pinkie Pie! What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?”

“...What?” asked Pinkie; flat as a board.

“The Apocalypse.”

First Pinkie’s jaw dropped, then she glared at her like an especially dimwitted stepchild, finally yelling, “HALF A WORM! That’s how the joke goes, Shy! Bitin' into an an apple and findin' half a worm!”

“Oh, eh-heh-heh-heh... that’s pretty funny!” Then she turned back to the human. “Hey, Lero! Two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff! Bah dum, pssh!”

If Fluttershy had asked Lero what he thought of her new personality, he’d have called it a mixed bag. On one hand, this was the most sociable and talkative that the yellow pegasus had ever been, which Lero approved of. However, her jokes were simply the worst thing since Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer had discovered one another.

“...Why won’t he say anything?” asked Fluttershy in a hurt, crestfallen voice.

“It’s not his fault,” Twilight consoled her. “The spider damaged Lero’s voice very badly, but we’re going to have it fixed, first chance we get!”

“Oh, that’s good!” said Fluttershy. “So the only reason you didn’t laugh at my jokes was because you couldn’t. If your voice had been working, you’d have laughed fit to split, right? Right?”

Lero gave her a very feeble smile.

“Oh! Lero, c’mon over here, Ah almost forgot!” Applejack brought something out from under the table. It was a shopping bag. Lero recognized the logo; it had come from Carousel Boutique. He pulled out the folded garment it contained.

“Ah finished up the very first of them T-shirt thingies ya asked me ta sew ya! Took me thirty hours ta figure out how!”

He unfolded it. Rarity cringed. “You know... I’d call that more of a nightgown than a T-shirt.”

Applejack pouted. “Ya think so?”

“And what eye-catching colors you chose to use!” said Rarity, diplomatically. “Celadon and taupe!”

“Cela-what?”

Lero brought the nightgown flat against his chest. It would have fit Lero’s body perfectly, had he been born a six-armed centaur. Spike got a huge laugh out of it.

“Erm... maybe ya can come by the Boutique tomorrow? A few alterations here, a little snip and snap there, and presto! ...Nah, give it over, Ah’ll start from scratch.”

Before giving the nightgown back to her, Lero walked a dazed circle around his table of guests like a toddler playing Duck, Duck, Goose. Three balloons on Fluttershy. Three diamonds on Applejack. Three apples on Pinkie Pie. And... and three butterflies on Rainbow Dash.

“Er... Ah’m sittin’ right over here, sugar cube. Or did ya’ll wanna keep it after all?”

Bitterly, he thrust the nightgown into Applejack's teeth. Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie seemed to have had enough of watching Rainbow Dash slumber like a bear. With a sly smile, she bent towards the pegasus’ ear and said in a stage whisper: “Angel Bunny’s at it again!”

It was like she’d dropped hot charcoal on her. Rainbow Dash shot into the air. “What? What?! What’d he do this time?! How bad’s the damage?!” she babbled. “Is he in cahoots with the iguanas again... this isn’t my home!”

Pinkie and Fluttershy laughed loudest of everypony. “Gotcha!” said Pinkie.

“That WASN’T funny!” Rainbow Dash shouted back at her.

“Ha ha ha! Good one, Pinkie Pie! ...I should’ve thought of doing that myself, why didn’t I...?” Fluttershy finished dejectedly.

Lero had never known ponies could get such dark circles under their eyes the way humans did. He watched Rainbow Dash try to sit still in her chair, as Fluttershy excused herself from the table. “What time is it?”

“Nearly midnight,” Pinkie answered her.

“Midnight?!” Dash blurted. “Oh no, no, no, no... I’ve been gone for hours! Left them alone! Unattended! For HOURS! What do you think they’re doing now? What are they even DOING now?!”

She would have flown out, but Applejack stood in front of her. “Ain’t ya being a mite bit rude, sugar cube? Ya waited all this time ta welcome Lero back, same as the rest of us, and now he’s here, ya can’t even spare ten minutes ta tell ‘im how glad ya are he’s still with us on this side of the grave?!”

Shamefaced, Dash flew back down in her chair. “Hey, uh, Lero, dude,” she greeted, falteringly. “Glad you’re not dead. Totally glad. Dead stinks. Stay alive, that’s the ticket. You’re my buddy.”

Mockingly, the voice of Cole Porter sang in the human’s head: The world’s gone mad today, and good’s bad today, and black’s white today, and day’s night today, and that gent today you gave a cent today, once had several chateaus...

There was no way Lero could ignore how Dash’s eyes kept darting towards the front door... as though it led to a toilet, and nature was calling her name with a vengeance. Her body language couldn’t be more obvious: Should I fly home now? Now? How about now? Maybe two more minutes, just to be polite...

It was enough to tear Lero’s heart to shreds like a cheap paper valentine.

Fluttershy returned to their table with a silver platter balanced on her head, and a doleful look on her face. She set the platter in the middle of their table.

“Ya made an ice cream cake... and ya never put it in the freezer, didn’t ya, Shy?” Pinkie drawled.

“It was going to be such a yummy cake too,” she sniveled. Unbelievably, Lero could still make out words in the melted, creamy soup: Welcome Home, Lero! We All Love You!

With a mannerly smile, Rarity got a knife and began to slice up the ruined dessert, letting out an astonished cry when Lero sprang abruptly from his chair, bolted over to where Rainbow Dash sat, and threw his arms around the cyan-coated pegasus with all of his heart.

Rainbow Dash wriggled away, squirming out of his arms like a skunk had just sprayed him.

“Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha—whoooooa boy...” Dash’s laughter was too skittish and rabbity to be real, only slightly less fake than her smile. Her eyes darted around faster than ever, looking at everything and everypony but Lero... and especially towards the door. “Rarity, Twilight... your human friend sure gets REAL FRIENDLY, real fast, don’t he?”

For the second time since the kiss in the cave, Lero felt his world shatter utterly.

No more. It was just too much. He couldn’t bear another second of being pushed around through this funhouse mirror maze, of having to deal with these twisted distortions, these unreal parodies of everyone he knew!

...of the girl who’d loved him.

“You okay?”

Face expressionless and heart boiling in resentment, Lero spun away from Dash and marched upstairs at a quickened pace, leaving the parodies to finish their party without him, or whatever the hell else they wanted to do with their messed-up lives!

“Stop me if you heard this one, girls: a missing punchline walks into a bar...”

* * *

“Lero? Lero?”

Twilight knocked on the door once again.

“Please let me in, Lero!”

He didn’t budge from his spot.

“You know I’m just going to unlock this door myself!”

He let her into the bedroom, and she nuzzled against him.

“Talk to me, Lero,” she pleaded. “I know things aren’t what they should be at all, but just... let’s talk this out!”

Just when it looked like she was going to give some insipid apology for forgetting about his damaged voice, Lero seized a blank page of paper from the ream on Twilight’s desk, took a quill, dipped it in ink, and wrote this:

THEY’VE ALL GOT WRONG MARKS. THEIR HEADS ARE ALL WRONG. IS THIS AN EPIDEMIC?! IS THE WHOLE TOWN AFFLICTED?! AM I AT RISK?!

The fact that he, himself, didn’t have a cutie mark felt almost beside the point. The human had an awful mental image of himself biting hungrily into a grapefruit-sized ruby, while Spike strutted up to Twilight and...

“N-no, not the whole town! Just them. Just the five of them. No pony else, and it’s not the least bit contagious.”

FIX THEM!

“I would if I could! I’m still haven’t figured out how!”

WHY NOT?!

“I’ll... I’ll tell you tomorrow. I promise. When we’re alone in the library, when Rarity’s gone out. I’ll make sure she leaves us alone, I’ll send her out to buy groceries or something!”

YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE RARITY’S GOING TO BE LIVING WITH US.

“I’m 99% certain she will be.”

THIS IS NOT HER HOUSE!!!

“Well, Rarity thinks it is now. And Rainbow Dash... Rainbow Dash doesn’t. Not any more.”

BUT THAT’S NOT TRUE AT ALL!

“...They don’t know any better.” Twilight took in a breath. “Look just... just come back to the party, try and...”

MAKE THEM ALL GO HOME.

“Lero, come on...”

Lero underlined the last sentence he’d written six times.

PLEASE, TWILIGHT. I’M BEGGING YOU. I ALMOST WENT MAD BEING ALONE WITH “NEW RARITY” THAT WHOLE TIME. I JUST CAN’T TAKE “NEW APPLEJACK,” “NEW PINKIE” AND NEW-EVERYONE ELSE. NOT TONIGHT. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

Twilight hung her head. Her horn flashed, and the paper Lero had written on disintegrated into dust.

“I’ll tell them you’re just tired... that you’re still feeling weak after your stay in the hospital.”

He shrugged indifferently.

“Hug me.”

Lero poured all his love for Twilight into the hug: his small oasis of sanity, so thankful to feel her hug back, instead of pulling away.

“Now look at my horn.”

He did. The longer he stared, the brighter it glowed — such a soothing silvery color — and the brighter it glowed, the drowsier he grew, until...

* * *

“Lero? Lero? I need you to be SUPER-quiet! Open your eyes and don’t make a sound.”

Hazily, Lero’s eyelids opened. The bedroom was completely dark. But at some point during the night, Rarity had slipped into bed with him, moving his sleeping body so that his head rested upon her (admittedly soft) shoulder, instead of a pillow.

“Get out of bed, quietly as you can, and follow me downstairs.”

Sitting up slowly, Lero looked upon Rarity feeling raw, resentful revulsion for this mad mare who believed herself to be a replacement for his beloved Rainbow Dash. Stealthily as he could, he slipped out of bed. Twilight was already standing outside in the hallway. They crept downstairs, (it was amazing how softly pony hooves could tread when they wanted to be sneaky,) until they were in the library.

“I’ve been pulling another all-nighter.” Twilight told him, after a yawn. “Been reading up on vocal chords all night, and I think I’ve come up with a solution. Point your chin as far up towards the ceiling as you can, then bend towards me, placing your neck right against my horn.”

Lero did as instructed, only momentarily worried about her horn piercing his neck.

The inside of Lero’s throat felt scarred over and broken. And then he felt as though the most soothing balm were soaking into the scars.

Her horn-light dimmed. “Can you speak?”

“Y-yeah, I can,” the human breathed. “Feels good. You should’ve been a doctor.”

“After tonight, I almost agree with you.”

“What time is it?" Lero asked.

“Around 4:30 in the morning,” she let out a weary little laugh. “Yeah, I know, this could’ve waited a couple hours, but between Rarity and Rainbow, you’ve already been through so much heartache and pain. I couldn’t bear for you to stay mute on top of all that, not for a moment longer than you absolutely needed to.”

He looked her square in the eyes. “Do you still love me?”

“Yes!” Twilight said, trembling with emotion. “I... I know what a shock it was to your system, seeing Rainbow Dash as she is now... how do you think it felt for me?! Seeing her back in Ponyville, but living alone, convinced she’d ALWAYS lived alone. I asked her about you, and she was just clueless — it got to the point where I was screaming at her, trying to get her to at least remember where she’d left you! I tried to get her to come back home but... this wasn’t home for her. It’s so backwards — she knows we’re both dearest friends to each other... but she’s forgotten entirely about us.”

Lero’s fingers brushed away the tears she sobbed. “It was especially jarring because she was the first of my swapped friends I came across! And I thought you were lost, that you were dead! I couldn’t sleep, thinking I’d lost both of you!”

“If you love me, Twilight, tell me one thing: WHAT'S GOING ON?”

The purple unicorn let out a long breath. “This is all a result of the unfinished spell of Starswirl the Bearded. I recited the incantation, cast the spell as it currently stands. And the next day, I found this had all happened.”

“Has it affected YOU at all?”

“Miraculously, no,” said Twilight, head sagging in weariness. “For whatever reason, the spell... passed me by. I am unchanged. Just my five Element Bearing friends who... who....” she yawned. “You know...”

“So the Elements of Harmony have something to do with this, then?”

Twilight’s head drooped. “Lero, I’m tired. I need to go to bed. As I’ve said before, we’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

“Technically, it IS tomorrow.”

She snorted. “Don’t split hairs, Lero.”

“But we barely started talk...”

“Do you see something on my horn, Lero?” she lit up her horn, so that it shone silver. “Feels like there’s something crusty on my horn, like dried mustard or something.”

Lero examined her horn. “No, seems pretty... pretty clean to me.” He felt around it with his hand. “Maybe it’s just... just...” His eyelids were so very heavy, staring at the silvery shine. “Oh, you tricksy little...”

* * *

When Twilight Sparkle finally crawled into bed, she slid herself in the middle of the mattress, putting herself between Rarity and her human. She levitated Lero against her, so his head rested cozily upon her shoulder.

“Pleasant dreams, my dearest,” she whispered, sliding the covers over them both. “Whatever else happens, I’m still here. Still love you the same way I’ve always loved you.”

And he smiled against her body.

Author's Note

Anything Goes, Folks!

P.S. — When I first added Divided Rainbow into Xenophilia HQ, I placed it in the "Alternate Universe" folder, because I knew I'd be taking this story into a unique direction, and I didn't want my oddball fanfic to intrude on anyone's enjoyment of the 'series proper.'

Flash forward to a few days ago. I check out Divided Rainbow, and see that someone moved it to the Side Stories folder. Now... I could be reading too much into this. But the way I'm interpreting this turn of events, someone must've thought so well of my story, that they felt it was worth adding to the crop of "Xenophilia canon writers," alongside such greats as Archonix and the Quiet Man.

If I am correct about this, then I cannot thank you enough for this honor. That you'd like to consider Divided Rainbow as canon, rather than an AU... I am greatly touched, and hope to measure up to your expectations.

Please support the Divided Rainbow TV Tropes page, and help keep it updated!