Seven: Living The Wrong Lives

Hot, steamy shower water cascaded down both their naked bodies.

“My favorite part of you, my beautiful Rainbow, is here,” Lero’s free hand touched one finger to the center of her chest, over her pounding heart. “And here.” Now he touched her forehead, right between her eyes. “Don’t get me wrong, I like your body… but what I love, Rainbow, is you. The person who lives inside your body, who looks at me through those gorgeous eyes. That’s who I fell in love with. When I...”

Lero would have gone on to tell Rainbow how when he made love to her, his aim was to make the person inside her feel good... but the words turned to ice inside his mouth. Lero looked into Rainbow’s eyes and saw that her head was vanishing. Her whole body was fading away like the TARDIS in the Doctor Who show he’d always loved to watch back on Earth, soundlessly and quick.

“No! Stop! Rainbow, don’t go!” Lero threw his arms around her body, coiling around her as tight as he could. Yet it was no good; he could feel the very solidity of Rainbow Dash evaporating away, until the human’s arms slipped right through her body. From flesh and blood, Rainbow Dash had become nothing more than a fading pegasus-shaped cloud of vapor. Then that too was gone.

Lero dropped to his knees. “Why?” he whispered.

Steam was building all around him, thicker and thicker and thicker still, until Lero couldn’t see the walls, couldn’t see the floor, couldn’t see the ceiling through the nebulous veil. Somehow, it felt like the shower stall, itself, had grown impossibly wider, had soundlessly stretched itself outward in all directions. Perhaps to an infinite extent. And still, the shower water dribbled down his body.

“So the physical body isn’t half as important to you as the spirit within?” The voice reverberated all around him.

Lero looked forward. Thick as the steam now was, the human could still make out the cutie mark floating just a few feet away. The rainbow-thunderbolt shooting out from its cloud — it hovered in place like the Cheshire Cat‘s grin.

Then it was like invisible paint was being hosed off, beneath the high, unseeable shower head. A unicorn mare was revealed, attached to the mark.

“That’s so sweet of you to say! So gratifying to hear! It’s one of the many, many things I love about you!”

With a hard gulp, Lero rose back to his feet, as Rarity sauntered towards him, sporting the same soft and sensuous smile she now always had for him these days.

“No need to be nervous, my sweet prince.” Her voice was like satin warmed by the sun. “At heart, I’m still the exact same mare who fell in love with you, all those years ago. I’ve just been... repackaged, shall we say. And what a pretty new package it is, yes?”

She gave a lithe, limber little turn under the streaming shower. It was like watching a naked ballerina practice a dance move. Then Rarity looked between Lero’s legs and drew an excited breath inward.

“Well, well, well... I’m glad you agree with me.”

Lero shot a mortified look at that traitorous part of his body, trying to turn away. But she was sauntering forward again, catlike, licking her chops.

“Just relax, my sweet prince,” she crooned, “Let me take over from here on out.”

It was like Lero’s brain was rebooting. A classic deer-in-the-headlights experience. Rarity’s eyes were closing, her lips were opening, she was craning her neck forward...

A second pony galloped out from the billowing clouds of steam at a truly fast gait, and head-butted Rarity in the side with the strength of a mountain ram, knocking the unicorn away.

“Back off, sister! I was here first!”

“Rainbow Dash!” Jubilantly, Lero reached out to hug her... but his arms passed straight through. All in spite of the fact that her body now looked solid again! Or had he, himself, become the ghost? Also, he could see those dratted pink butterflies, back on her flank. Yet there was still one consolation: she was standing tall, proud, and confident... her old self again, nothing like the jittery, overtired mare who’d slept through most of his party last night.

Rarity rose back to her feet, glaring coldly at Rainbow Dash. It was hard for Lero to say which of them looked more voluptuous with wet mane.

“What was that bit you were saying about how you were ‘the exact same mare who fell for Lero?’ Horseapples!” said Rainbow Dash, “You may have my emotions now, but you’re still a super-girly, highfalutin’ froufrou-queen! Same as you always were! And that ain’t who Rainbow Dash is at all!”

“No, it’s not,” Rarity countered. “Rainbow Dash ain’t froufrou. She’s something much sadder: a train wreck of a mare who let the stallion who loved her fall from the sky and left him to die in a forest!”

“Only because that bucked-up spell hit me at the worst possible time, and you know it! Why would Lero want anything to do with you, anyway? You’re just a delusional little cuckoo-bird with identity issues as big as all Canterlot!”

The unicorn gave a harsh bark of laughter. “Hello, pot! This is the kettle with a friendly reminder... you’re black too!”

The pegasus shrugged indifferently. “Doesn’t matter! This whole snafu with our switched-up marks... Twilight’s gonna find a way to fix it! You’ll see! And when she does, I’m hoppin’ right in the sack with my stallion and make up for lost time! But you, Rarity? You’ve always wanted PONY stallions, not a guy like Lero! I almost shudder to think what’ll happen once Twilight’s got you back to your old self again! You’ll probably dump a bucket of bleach in your ear to erase the memory of how starved you were for sweet human cock!”

Rainbow Dash smirked at Rarity, as if declaring game, set, and match. Lero watched the unicorn’s sneer relax. For several seconds, she regarded Dash with a look of deep thoughtfulness. Then she shut her eyes with a tired-sounding sigh.

“I have nothing but the highest regard for my sweet darling Sparkle-kitten. She’s the most magical unicorn alive. But I must confess, I’m pessimistic on this. Though I wish her the best, I believe Starswirl’s spell will prove too much, even for her.”

“Why?” Rainbow Dash and Lero asked at the same time.

The unicorn reopened her eyes. “Ask yourself: this Starswirl fellow... how many centuries has it been since his death? And how many generations of scholars, mages, and historians have had the chance to study his unfinished spell for themselves... and none of them could even make a dent in it! What does it tell you that Starswirl, himself, abandoned it completely? It’s a lost cause! An unsolvable puzzle!”

Rainbow Dash flinched, but she shouted, “Princess Celestia would never have given Twilight the spell at all if she didn’t think she could fix it!”

“I applaud our Princess for showing Twilight that kind of faith,” said Rarity. “But you have to at least allow for the possibility that Twilight will fail. That you and I will be stuck as we now are until the end of our days.”

All the self-assurance in Dash’s eyes was rapidly draining away. Lero reached to hug her, but his hands just passed through her body again.

“Rainbow, at the end of the day, you’re still my friend,” said Rarity, with kindly compassion. “No one can blame you for abandoning Twilight’s herd, least of all me. Especially not when your new memories insist that you were never PART of our herd to begin with. But they’re all so precious to me. I’ll do everything I can to fill the holes you left in their hearts. Lero, Twilight, Spike... and Lyra, too, when she returns home... I swear I’ll protect them, be loyal to them, and be the glue that holds this family together. Forever.”

“L-Lero and I are tight!” the pegasus stammered. “He wouldn’t just toss me out of his heart like yesterday’s news!”

“Why don’t you ask him?”

And the two mares both turn towards him.

“C’mon, big guy! What happened at that party was just one ugly moment! We’ve got years of history together! Good history!”

“I traveled hundreds of miles on hoof to save you from certain death! Does that count for nothing?”

“You have your voice back! At least try talking to me one more time!”

“Is the love you don’t have worth more than the love that you do?”

“Is a girl’s heart worth more than her mind?”

Lero’s skull throbbed. He pressed his palms hard against his eyelids, his fingernails digging deep gouges into his scalp. “This is all INSANE! You might as well be asking me which eyeball to not stab: the right or the left? I don’t WANT to have to choose between the heart and the mind; they’re meant to work together! I just want the two of you to be whole!”

“But we’re NOT whole, big guy,” Dash replied sadly. “Neither of us are.”

“The situation is what it is,” Rarity agreed.

Lero was silent for such a long while that both mares grew deeply distressed.

“Say something!” cried Rarity. Say something, please!”

“If you don’t reach a decision, you just might lose us both!”

Then Lero felt himself being lifted upwards through the foggy steam...

* * *

The human awoke.

“Good morning, Lero,” said Twilight Sparkle, drawing her horn away from his forehead. She was sitting next to him, on their bed, but not under the covers.

Lero rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked about the room. “Where’s Rarity?”

“Out and about. I convinced her to let you sleep in, and gave her a long list of errands, enough that she’ll be gone for hours. I can finally fill you in on everything else there is to know about our cutie mark predicament.”

Lero leaned forward. “Good. Let’s start talking.”

But Twilight hopped off the bed. “Breakfast first.”

“Aw, come on, Twilight! Quit stringing me along already!”

But she was already trotting out the door. “Breakfast first, sweetie. Go get dressed, I’ll meet you downstairs.”

* * *

Lero slathered maple syrup all over his pancakes, and dug in, shoveling food into his mouth impatiently. He was a little surprised to see Twilight also eating her food faster than usual, finishing her entire glass of orange juice all at once.

“Hey, guys!” Spike called out, returning from the foyer to his seat at the table. Guess what I got? A letter from Lyra!”

Lyra! It had been so long.

“That’s wonderful!” Twilight said. “Open it up and let’s see!”

Spike tore the top of the envelope open with a single claw, and read Lyra’s message aloud.

Dear Twilight, Spike, (and very hopefully Lero,)

Twilight, those photographs you sent of Rainbow and her three other friends were nothing short of bone-chilling. You really dodged a big lightning bolt with this one! If you don’t mind me saying so, I’ve never felt so relieved to not be an Element of Harmony myself.

So Rainbow has really left us? And nopony knows where Lero even is? It’s been a long time since I cried the way I cried when I read that. It’s also worrying to learn about Rarity’s sudden disappearance from Ponyville. I almost don’t know what to think if your hunch about her is correct, that we’ve ‘lost a pegasus and gained another unicorn.’ Rarity’s always been well-mannered and polite, but I can tell she finds me a bit too weird for her tastes.

Based on what you told me of your other friends, if a girl like Rarity is to be my herd-sister, I can only pray Rarity’s disapproval of me doesn’t carry over to her new personality. (Had the choice been mine, I’d have rather gone with Pinkie Pie as a replacement herd-sister. Just for her sense of fun!)

Lero chuckled under his breath as an image formed in his mind: Pinkie Pie, in all her hyperactive, reality-bending glory, fused with Rarity’s... urgh... Rainbow Dash’s bottomless lust for him. There’d truly be no escape whatsoever from a girl like her, and he’d never know a full night’s sleep again.

Nonetheless, I do hope Lero and Rarity are alright, and that Rarity hasn’t gotten lost in the woods or worse.

Spike, I miss having you around, and I want you to know that I’ve collected several bags of jet for you to snack on when you get home. (Hopefully you’ll find jet delicious.)

“You know, I’ve never tried jet before!” Spike reflected. “Now I’m curious!”

Lero soaked a forkful of pancake in more syrup. “What, is it candy airplanes or something?”

The other two looked puzzled. “What’s an air-plane?” Spike asked.

“It’s a flying machine they invented on the world I was born on. A ‘jet’ is basically a type of airplane.”

“Cool!” Spike said.

Lero poured himself more orange juice. “Does the word ‘jet’ mean something different here in Equestria? The way the word ‘cooler’...”

“Lero!” Twilight cried out, blanching beneath her purple fur, magicking thick earmuffs over Spike’s ears.

“Er, sorry! Sorry!”

Spike took off the earmuffs as Twilight calmed down. “Here in Equestria, jet is a mineraloid that jewelers shape and sell as a type of gemstone.”

“What color is jet?”

“Black. Very black. Haven’t you ever heard something described as ‘jet-black?’”

“...Actually, I have. I always thought they were referring to jet airplanes that were painted really black.”

“Shall I keep reading the letter?” Spike asked.

“Please.”

If Rarity is now living with us, just please don’t come onto her too strong, Spike.

Lero, if you’re reading this, it probably means that you’ve returned home, safe and sound. I’d like to assume that’s the case, because the alternative is just too dismal. The situation you’re in is discombobulating enough for me to read about from where I am, thousands of miles away from home. I can’t imagine how much worse it must be for you, being right in the middle of it. Especially with Rainbow. The two of you were what brought the rest of us together in the first place.

All I can do from here is assure you that, as with all obstacles, a way exists for us to adapt to our present ordeal. Adapt, and eventually overcome. Also, to remind you how deeply you are loved. Twilight loves you. Spike loves you. And I love you so much too.

Even though it was Spike reading it aloud, Lero heard these words in Lyra’s voice. The minty-green unicorn was such a sweetheart, and Lero loved her back, just as dearly.

As for myself, I am pleased to inform you that I have at last reached the final stopping-place in my journey. It has been a long, cold, salty swim, but I have finally reached the shores of Aardvark Island, home of the great Still Way sensei, Profound Koan. Master Koan has welcomed me into his dojo, and we will begin training tomorrow, shortly before dawn.

This sabbatical has been everything I could have hoped it to be. I have traveled great distances, seen great sights, broadened my horizons, and had my mind expanded by the most learned, enlightened minds of the Still Way. Once I am done with Master Koan, I will begin my long trek home. I hope to offer you more meaningful help through these strange, troubling difficulties.

Or perhaps, by the time this message reaches you, Twilight will have already found a solution for it all on her own, and I will have rambled on and on over nothing. Wouldn’t that be a nice thing to come home to? I have so many questions running through my mind; and here you are, able to send me messages instantly through Spike, while I’m stuck relying on slow mailmares. I eagerly await your response.

All My Love,

Lyra

Twilight took a sip of coffee. “Spike, take a letter!” she directed.

And the three of them sat together and composed a letter telling Lyra everything they were currently going through. After Spike had sent it on its way, Twilight had the young dragon return Lyra's letter to its envelope and hide it in a place Rarity would never find it.

* * *

Breakfast was over, and Spike was cleaning the dishes in the kitchen. Twilight had brought Lero to the room where the Elements of Harmony were kept. A long dark tablecloth covered the display case they were in.

“See this picture?”

Twilight levitated a photograph into Lero’s hand. It was a group shot of all six of the Element Bearers wearing their Elements. They all looked so happy, so well-adjusted, and their cutie marks were all correct.

“That photo was taken about nine months ago. I want you to pay special attention to the color of the jewels on all our friends’ Elements.”

Lero nodded. “Alright.”

“Now I want you to look at the colors that they are now.”

She swept the tablecloth off. Lero placed the photograph on top of the display case, eyes flicking between it and the actual Elements beneath the glass:

A pink lightning bolt. An orange balloon. A purple apple. A blue butterfly. A red diamond. Only the majestic star crowning Twilight’s tiara remained unchanged.

“Rainbow Dash with Fluttershy... Pinkie Pie with Applejack... Applejack with Rarity... Fluttershy with Pinkie Pie... and Rarity with Rainbow Dash,” the human murmured in horrified awe.

“Correct. Absolutely correct,” Twilight said, putting the tablecloth back over the Elements.

“Now, Lero, we’re going to step outside. A little stroll around town. We’re going to visit all my friends again.”

Lero smiled. “Excellent!”

“But I have one favor to ask of you,” she added, rubbing her hooves together nervously. “I want you to pretend you’re still voiceless.”

‘What?!”

“Please! I simply want you to observe how they all are now, particularly at... at their new jobs. I don’t want you to turn this into a confrontation!”

Lero threw up his arms. “Unbelievable! Why did you even bother to heal my throat last night if you were going to do this to me?!”

“Please! For me? Just this one time? I promise, I swear, once we get back home, you’re free to say whatever you want to whoever you want, whenever you want! I... I’ll even have Spike make you a banana split for dessert tonight.”

Lero thought it over. “Two banana splits, and each at a time of my choosing.”

“Done!” Twilight said. He shook her hoof to seal the deal. And they left the room, Lero following the unicorn.

“Now remember; you’re simply going to observe how they all are now. Whatever you see, whatever they say, just smile and nod, and treat it like it’s normal. For me, alright?”

Lero sighed. “For you.”

* * *

Sweet Apple Acres was their first stop. From the moment they first set foot and hoof upon the Apple family’s property, Twilight and Lero could hear the loud argument taking place in the apple orchard long before they could see the arguers.

“Why in the name of apple strudel cheesecake slathered in hot caramel, whipped cream and crushed walnuts are ya buckin’ it like THAT fer?!”

“Shuddup! Yer worse than a gadfly buzzing ‘round mah tail end! Nah, scratch that, yer worse’n TEN gadflies!”

And now Twilight and Lero were near enough to see them: Pinkie Pie and little Apple Bloom. Baskets were arranged beneath all the apple trees, and Pinkie stood by the nearest one. Her tail end was facing the tree in a bucking position. They were both too intent on yelling at each other to notice their approach.

“Ah’m yer little sister, Pinkie, and yew oughta show me some respect!”

“Yeah? Well, Ah’m yer big sister, Bloomy! Try showin’ ME some! Ah’ve been buckin’ trees since before yew were a twinkle in Ma ‘n’ Pa’s eyes!”

She lifted her hind legs and thudded them into the tree trunk with what looked like all her strength. The apples in the tree’s branches quivered but none fell.

“Yah’d never know it by looking at ya,” Apple Bloom retorted wryly.

Lero nudged Twilight. “Apple Bloom thinks she and Pinkie are sisters?!” he asked in a light whisper. “What... did that little filly get herself swapped too?”

“Questions later,” Twilight whispered back. “For now: silent observation.”

“Ah, ain’t THAT rich!” Pinkie growled. “Comin’ from a little screwup like yew!”

“Ah’m NOT a screwup!” cried Apple Bloom, stamping all her hooves. “Take it back! Take it back!”

“The only thang YER good fer is runnin’ ‘round town with yer little friends, bein’ giant nuisances ta everypony, and findin’ 50 new ways ta NOT find yer cutie marks each ‘n’ every day! Speakin’ of... didn’t ya say ya had ta go see ‘em?”

Pinkie kicked the tree trunk again, but this time her back legs bent all wrong against it. Yowling in pain, she fell onto her rear end, blowing onto her aching hind legs as though they’d touched an open flame.

“Ah hope that HURT ya,” Apple Bloom spat.

“Yew, lil’ missy, are nothing but an insolent, disrespectful little... Twilight? Lero?”

The two ‘sisters’ had finally noticed the both of them standing there. Twilight went right over to Pinkie, bent her head, and channeled soft healing magic into her legs. The pink pony smiled thankfully at her friend.

“Thanks, Twi.”

“It’s very good to see you, Pinkie.”

She got off the ground, and dusted herself off as best she could. “Uh... to what do Ah owe the pleasure?”

“Lero just wanted to come by and thank you for coming to visit him last night.”

Smiling, the human agreed with the words Twilight was putting in his mouth by giving Pinkie Pie a small bow of gratitude, and shaking Pinkie Pie’s foreleg, above the hoof. She returned his shake with a fair amount of warmth.

“Still ain’t talkin’ yet, huh?”

“Healing takes time.” said Twilight. Pinkie raised a hoof and patted Lero sympathetically on the shoulder.

“Well... best-a-luck with a speedy recov’ry, sugar.” Her hoof felt unusually jagged, chipped, and almost knifelike.

“Lero’s also sorry that he got so tired at the end and left the welcome-home party right in the middle.”

Lero nodded with an exaggerated frown of apology. He was beginning to feel a bit like a street mime.

“Parties are so much fun. Even the bad ones are still great. I love them all so much, every one.”

Twilight and Lero both gave a small start. Pinkie’s eyes and voice now had a slightly vacuous, faraway quality to them. But more surprising; she’d just spoken without the Apple family’s accent! Then the pink pony blinked.

“Tew bad Ah ain’t got no time fer such foolishness ev’ry day! Ah gotta farm ta run!”

“And Ah got friends to meet up with!” Apple Bloom spoke, turning her back on Pinkie, and making a rather melodramatic show of swishing her tail, as though flicking gadflies away.

“Would you like us to tag along with you?” Twilight asked the little filly.

“Aw, yew don’t need ta go do that, Miz Twilight, but if ya want too, sure! Ah’m gonna be meeting up with Sweetie Belle at the Carousel Boutique and Scootaloo at Sugar Cube Corner!”

“Oh good! We happen to be headed to both those places anyway!”

“Super!” Then, unable to resist one last parting jab at the cranky pink pony, Apple Bloom sneered. “Yew can fail at bucking apples on yer own, big sis!”

With a furious glower, Pinkie gave her mightiest kick yet, and not a single apple dislodged. She wheeled around on the tree, snarling: "Ya rizzing-wracking, frizzing-fracking trees! Yew WILL yield ta my power, and yer fruity-licious bounty shall be MINE! GRAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Rearing up against the tree and planting her forehooves on its trunk, Pinkie slammed her skull against it again and again, until she knocked herself out cold, and fell to the ground. Ten apples finally fell, all on her tenderized cranium. Immediately, Twilight ran forward and shot another hard jolt of healing magic directly into Pinkie Pie’s head. Then, she lifted her horn skyward, and it glowed with power. All the apples on every apple tree within seeing distance floated off their branches, and were brought softly into the baskets Pinkie had laid under.

“Stupid showoffy unicorn,” Lero heard Apple Bloom grumble, as the three of them quietly left Pinkie Pie groaning into the dirt.

* * *

Two planks had been nailed over the Carousel Boutique’s fancy front door, covering what Lero guessed to be holes. But when Lero entered the store’s showroom with Apple Bloom and Twilight, he could almost see nothing else wrong with it. Fancy dresses hung on proud display upon the pony-mannequins. The place was neat, clean, and orderly. Applejack was ringing up a shopper by the shop’s far end. Lero could practically almost believe that Applejack was merely filling in temporarily, while Rarity was out enjoying a restful vacation.

“Thanks fer shoppin’ with us!” Applejack told her customer. “Ya’ll come back now, y’hear?”

As the customer left with her new dress, Applejack automatically greeted the new arrivals. “Welcome ta the Carousel Boutique, where everythang’s chic, unique and mag—niff—feek.” Then she actually saw who it was. “Twilight! Lero! And hello, there, Apple Bloom!”

“Hi, Miz Applejack!”

“Bet yer here to see mah sister! Hold on a sec.” Applejack opened a side door, and shouted, “Sweetie Belle! Yer little friend’s here!”

There came the light thunder of little hooves galloping down the stairs, and Rarity’s sister appeared. “Hi, Apple Bloom!”

“Howdy, Sweetie Belle! Ya ready ta get our cutie marks?”

“You bet I am!”

Applejack chuckled. “So where’re yew scamps off ta today?”

“We were thinking of kayaking!”

“Well, good luck with that! Make sure ya bring my sister back in one piece! And Apple Bloom, when yew see the rest of the Apple family, be sure ta say Ah said ‘hi.’”

“Will do!”

Lero shared a look with Twilight, and could see that this was all just as difficult to watch for her. Even though this scene playing out before them was as civil and neighborly as anyone could ask for... Lero had held out hope that Apple Bloom had been perceiving Pinkie as a second sister, rather than her only one. But no: Applejack and Apple Bloom were no longer aware they were each other’s flesh-and-blood kin. What a truly cruel, twisted, heartless piece of black voodoo this spell of Starswirl’s was!

“Ready to go?” Sweetie Belle asked Apple Bloom.

“Er, not yet,” said Apple Bloom. “Wait a while. Miz Twilight and Mr. Lero are gonna be tagging along with us ta Sugar Cube Corner!”

“What can Ah do ya for?” Applejack asked the other two grownups.

“Lero just wanted to come by and thank you for coming to visit him last night, and to say sorry that he got too tired to keep partying.”

After Lero had shaken her hooves, she answered, “Aw, that’s okay, Mr. Handy! We’re all just glad yer back home, okay.”

Then Lero walked over to the front door. Again, he mimed out his question: tapping his finger on the small boards that were nailed there, and giving Applejack a clownish exaggeration of a befuddled shoulder-shrug.

“Oh, that happened a few nights ago. Ah was vandalized. Delinquent, no-good foals up to monkey business! Uh, no offense, Mr. Handy.”

Lero knew that any ‘memory‘ or explanation from the likes of Applejack had to be taken with a large grain of salt, at best. But he nodded in understanding and continued to keep in silence.

“Wow, Applejack, I got to say, everything looks so nice, here!” Twilight piped up. “Your dresses are nice, they seem to be selling well... I’m very happy for you!"

Applejack cringed and wouldn’t meet the unicorn’s eyes. “Sweetie Belle, please flip the Open sign over ta Closed. There’s something Ah need ta show Twilight in the back.”

“Do we... do we NEED to do that?” the unicorn filly whispered worriedly.

Applejack nodded, and motioned for Lero and Twilight to follow her.

“Fact is... yes, Ah am selling dresses, but Ah’m jest using up mah stock of good stuff. Lero brought up that night mah door got vandalized... that was when the real trouble started. That was when mah muse left me.”

Twilight frowned. “Your muse?”

“Well, he didn’t so much LEAVE me, as divorced me, snagged the house, the foals, and half mah bank account, and now Ah’m paying him alimony through the nose.”

The orange Earth pony bit her lower lip. “Ah’ve always been one with mah sewing machine fer as far back as Ah can ever remember. But now...”

She opened the door to the room the humannequin was kept.

If Dr. Victor Frankenstein had chosen to be a tailor instead of a scientist, this would be the ensemble he’d have designed. On every pony-mannequin and every clothes rack hung unspeakable atrocities. Of rayon and nylon of bengaline and polyester of cotton and linen and acrylic and jute and pleather and fishnet and even sailcloth, of all things!

“Twilight?” asked Applejack timidly. “Just what went wrong with me?”

* * *

“Oh, I don’t mind that you went to bed early,” Fluttershy assured Lero with her usual sweetness, when the four of them were at Sugar Cube Corner, sitting together at a table. “I’m only sorry that you can’t speak.”

“It’s just a temporary condition,” said Twilight.

“Have you seen Scootaloo in here?” Sweetie asked.

“Yes, I did!” said Fluttershy. “You just missed her; she just stepped into the bathroom. In the meantime, can I get you girls anything?”

“Get whatever you want!” Twilight told both the fillies. “My treat.”

“Awesome!” said Sweetie Belle.

“May I recommend one of our milkshakes? We’ve just begun selling them.”

“Sure!” said Apple Bloom. “What flavor milkshakes ya got?”

Abruptly, Fluttershy’s voice died away to a froggy croak. “Vanilla... chocolate... and hay."

"D-do you have laryngitis?" Twilight worried. asked her friend.

“No,” the yellow pegasus gurgled. “Just vanilla... chocolate... and hay.” Then she giggled, her voice returning to its normal lack of hoarseness. “Like that one? I was inspired by Lero’s condition!”

As Lero scowled a bit at her, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom chuckled weakly.

“Yeah, heh heh, hilarious,” said Sweetie. “I’ll have a hay shake.”

“Ah’ll have chocolate.”

“Coming right up!” As Fluttershy walked off, the restroom door swung open, and Scootaloo stepped out.

“Hey, girls!”

“Hey, Scootaloo!” the other two Crusaders trilled. Twilight slid over an extra chair with her magic so the pegasus filly could sit between her friends.

“So let me tell you about the kayak: it’s blue, we’ll all be able to fit into it nicely, and it’s got a racing stripe painted on its side!”

“Awesome!” said Apple Bloom.

“I feel my cutie mark about to appear already!” Sweetie Belle said.

“No way!” exclaimed Scootaloo.

“Heeeeey, girls!” said Fluttershy, suddenly bounding over from several feet away, spooking the fillies greatly. “Do you know what’s brown and sticky?”

“Brown and sticky?” Scootaloo repeated, arching an eyebrow. “Uh... tree sap?”

“Nope! A STICK!” And Fluttershy chortled at her wit. “Hahahahaha.... SWEETIE BELLE! What do you call a boomerang that won’t work?”

The unicorn filly cringed away. “I... I dunno.”

“A STICK! Hehehehehehe... APPLE BLOOM! What kind of bone will a dog never eat?!”

Apple Bloom licked her lips nervously. “A... stick?”

“Close!” Fluttershy exclaimed. “A TROMBONE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Now watch this!”

Then Fluttershy, (whom Lero realized might now be the least sane of Twilight’s five swapped friends) charged headlong into a set of shelves by the left wall, headbutting right into it. Lero saw there was a book balanced precariously on the very edge of the topmost shelf. It fell and bounced off Fluttershy’s head.

“Look!” she called to the entire room. “A book just landed on my head, and I have only MY SHELF to blame! Did you see what I did, there, everypony?! Did you see?!”

“Could I get some service here, please?!” an Earth pony stallion barked by the counter.

“Oops, sorry,” said Fluttershy, much more subdued. Before seeing to the Earth pony, she flitted back to the Crusaders. “Here’s your hay shake, Sweetie, and chocolate for you, Apple Bloom. Scootaloo? Did you want me to get you anything?”

The orange filly shook her head very rapidly. Fluttershy shrugged, and returned to the counter to see to the stallion.

“What can I get you?”

“I’ll have a blueberry cruller and a cinnamon roll, please,” the stallion answered.

“That’ll be ten bits.”

The stallion paid the money. Fluttershy took a set of tongs in her mouth, slipped a cruller and a cinnamon roll into a little paper bag and passed it to the stallion. He began eating it right away, but then gave out a sharp yelp after the first bite.

“LADY!” he boomed. “There’s a fly right on my cruller!”

He thrust it out at her, to show her the fly. It sat there, fanning its wings. She smiled back at him. “Don’t worry, sir! The spider on the cinnamon roll’s sure to get him!”

The stallion fled the building, just as a rose-colored unicorn mare sitting at a different table took a sip of brown fluid from a mug, and spat it right out.

“Miss! Miss!” she called Fluttershy, who came over. She shook the mug angrily under her nose. “Is this supposed to be coffee?! It tastes like mud!”

Fluttershy peered into it. “Of course it does! After all, you did order... FRESH GROUND.”

“Fresh... ground?” the mare repeated slowly.

Fluttershy grinned at her manically. “Wakka-wakka-wakka!”

And then a large earthworm slithered up from instead the sludgy mugful of soil, and dropped wetly onto her tabletop. She screamed and dashed into the bathroom. Lero heard vomiting.

“Fluttershy? Fluttershy, dear?” Mr. and Mrs. Cake had come out. Fluttershy’s seemed to wilt where she stood. She stared at the floor, one hoof scuffing it unhappily. “Come with us to the back, dearie, we need to have another talk...”

As Fluttershy followed the Cakes into the back room Twilight rose and so did Lero. “Well, I think we’ll be on our way.”

“Us too,” said Apple Bloom.

“Hope things go well with your kayaking!”

Lero was first out the door, but as soon as he saw what was right outside, he ducked back in, pressing himself flat against the wall.

Rarity was out there; walking down the street, carrying several bags from several different stores. He didn’t think she’d spotted him. Twilight saw her too, and flattened herself against the wall too.

“What is it?” asked Sweetie Belle. All the Crusaders came over, excited by the scent of adventure in the air. “What are we hiding from?”

“Ssssh!” said Twilight. Ducking down low, she and Lero crouched next to a long window to watch the white unicorn, peering out at her through the panes while trying to expose as little of their bodies as possible. Eager to be part of the moment, the Crusaders joined them. Some sudden impulse made Rarity stop. She set her bags down on the street, gently as could be, and aimed her horn towards the sky. Clouds gathered in the heavens. Not just any clouds, either; square clouds beside equally-sized squares of empty air, forming a checkerboard pattern as far as the eye could see.

Rain fell. It fell in torrents. It fell like it must’ve fallen on the first day of the Biblical forty days and forty nights. Spooked, screaming ponies fled in all directions for the indoors.

“Wait!” she called out, “Wait, everypony! It’s only a bit of rain! Nothing to be frightened about!”

“It’s unscheduled rain!” somepony snapped back. “The weather report didn’t mention this! And that IS something to run from, you crazy psycho!”

And the real kicker is: that crazy psycho’s your new girlfriend, Lero! The human’s inner cynic snickered. Bah dum, pssh!

Lero ran outside, Twilight just a step behind him. Rarity’s back was turned. There was one final destination left to visit, on this god-awful ‘stroll’ he and Twilight were on.

“Lero!” the swapped pony called out to him. “Lero, is that you?”

The human ran all the faster, sprinting through the downpour. The Cutie Mark Crusaders ran off in a different direction. Twilight Sparkle stopped for just an instant to shoot an apologetic look back at her speechless and very hurt-looking friend before galloping after the human.

* * *

The cottage at the edge of the Everfree Forest had always reminded Lero Michaelides powerfully of a king-sized hobbit hole, straight from the mind of J. R. R. Tolkien. Except with more animal pens outside.

But unlike Tolkien's story, this did not feel like a place that meant comfort. It looked downright uninviting, especially with all the rain still showering down on his head. Just looking at it was now as nerve-wracking as sitting in the chair at the principal’s office, waiting for the principal to arrive. He wanted to go home. He would rather be standing anyplace else but here. He could guess what this cottage would contain well enough; actually seeing it firsthand, would just dump a whole shaker of salt in his wounds.

“One more left,” Twilight told him softly, pressing against him. “Don’t worry, Lero. I’m right here with you.”

Fighting back the butterflies in his stomach, Lero knocked. He’d give it five minutes. Ten, if Twilight put her hoof down. Maybe he’d be lucky, and there’d be nopony home, and they could return back to their house. It was raining, after all, damn it!

The door creaked open just enough for Rainbow Dash to poke her head outside. Already cringing, already full of trepidation.

Author's Note

Just throwing this out there; if any of you guys who're reading this know how to draw, would you be interested in drawing an all-original title illustration for Divided Rainbow? I'm hoping for one that shows Rarity, Lero, and Rainbow Dash, all at once!

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