Harold and Kumar Go to Equestria

"Kumar, I can't believe you broke the bong!" Harold Lee, a neatly groomed Korean-American investment banker, was clearly very upset.

"Harold, you are clearly very upset." Kumar Patel, an Indian medical student (more of a full time student candidate) with excessively tall hair, clearly didn't give a crap about Harold being very upset. "To be fair though, the floor is what broke the bong."

"You asshole, now not only do we not have a bong, on a Saturday morning at 9:30, which is prime wake-and-bake time I might add, but your living room smells like bong water!" Harold wrung out a mop as Kumar watched disinterestedly from the couch.

"No shit! I have a nose you know! It's OK though, I have another bong in my bedroom." Kumar got up and walked to his room as Harold finished mopping up the worst of the spill. Noises of dresser drawers and cabinet doors slamming, furniture being moved and fabric ripping caused Harold to pause in his labors, a look of exasperated disbelief on his face as he imagined the chaos in that disorganized hellhole. "Where the fuck is it?!" Kumar swore as the bangs grew louder. There was a sound like bagpipes being stepped on, which caused Harold to wince, when Kumar cried out "Yes!"

Kumar returned to the living room, holding aloft a bulbous multicolored object with a tall central cylinder. Light reflected off numerous reflective surfaces in hundreds of clashing colors. "What the hell is that thing?" Harold exclaimed.

Kumar made a show of being offended. "This is the finest bong to be had for under twenty dollars in the West Fourth Street head shop. And the clerk told me it has magic powers."

Harold made a disgusted noise. "Not only am I out of work, living on my savings in a pig sty in New Jersey with a fucking child support payment on top of it all, but my room mate is insane and his bong looks like a re-purposed disco ball."

"There's no need to get nasty; it's not my fault your job got downsized." Kumar went to the kitchen sink to fill the bong with water, taking some ice cubes from a freezer in desperate need of a good defrosting and dropping them down the neck.

"No, it's your buddy Obama with the persistently high unemployment rate and the high business taxes, that's who's fault it is!"

"Oh you shut up; imagine how much worse it would have been if Romney had won. Now do something productive and clean this Hawaiian while I find something on TV and get what's left of my brain ready for some major blitizification." Kumar placed the bong on the coffee table, leaned back, reached under the cushions and retrieved a battered remote. "So... 9:30... time for Bugs Bunny." The remote clicked.

Harold dumped the water from the bucket into the toilet, flushed, washed his hands and returned to the living room. "That bathroom is so freaking nasty! Are you maintaining it as some kind of archaeological site so scientists can study shit stain stratification?" Kumar grunted as Harold sat down next to him and leaned forward, grabbing a Hustler from one end of the table, checked it for any unpleasant stains, and then opened up a Ziploc bag and deposited the contents onto its glossy flesh-laden surface. "Wow, this really is Hawaiian. I thought you were shitting me. How could you afford this?"

"I convinced dad I needed a private tutor since I'm depressed that Vanessa won't marry me until I get my MD. Now hurry up, I want to be sucking down that bad boy when the music starts"

Harold cleaned out the few seeds and stems and marveled at the handiwork of Mother Nature as he broke up the bright green bud sporting short red hairs. He took one of the seeds and cracked it between his teeth. "Man, even the seeds taste good."

Kumar slapped him on the back of the head. "Don't eat those seeds, you fucker, they're worth more than you are!" He reached into this pocket and produced a small plastic bag with a few dozen seeds in it, took the four remaining seeds on the porn magazine and popped them in.

Harold quirked an eyebrow at him. "You planning on growing? In New Jersey? You can't grow shit in New Jersey unless you go hydro. Are you going to set up a hydro farm in your nasty shitter?"

"Who knows, maybe I'll find a greenhouse with some nice volcanic soil and an understanding botanist. Now pack that shit, the show's about to start." Harold scooped a few pinches into the bowl and grabbed a lighter, putting the highly reflective paraphernalia to his mouth. "No you don't motherfucker! You want first hit, you get your own dope!" Kumar grabbed the bong away from Harold and produced a lighter from somewhere. The flame hit the packed bowl as Kumar inhaled deeply, the bizarre bong bubbling merrily. Kumar's angry expression softened immediately as a wave of euphoria washed over him, and he passed the device over to Harold. "'ere."

"Thanks." Harold noted that Kumar had only burned the right half of the bowl rather than lighting up in the middle. He talked a lot of shit but he actually was a good guy. Harold lit the left side and the bong sang as all of life's troubles disappeared to the tune of "da de da de da da da de dum dum dum dum."

They sat in silence for half an hour as Bugs Bunny deftly defied the laws of physics and trounced all comers, only pausing to guffaw and reload the bong several times. As they grew progressively more stoned, the show got funnier and funnier and they sank deeper into the cushions, enjoying the delightful lassitude.

Porky Pig was saying goodbye to them, and Harold was waving back, when Kumar raised the remote with a very serious expression on his face. "It's ten o'clock." The looked at each other and Kumar sang "Ooooooooooh!"

Harold responded with "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" They sang the song between them as Kumar clicked the remote.

"Oops, wrong way," Kumar giggled as he stopped on an unfamiliar station showing a strange promo for The Aquabats! Super Show!. He clicked the remote again.

"Stop fucking around Kumar, I need my Sponge Bob. I need it NOW!" Harold emphasized his words by taking a long hit on a fresh bowl. "Ite nw!" Kumar started to look panicked as the promo continued.

"I think I broke the remote!" Kumar clicked repeatedly, but nothing happened. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit what the fuck did I just do?"

Harold was not pleased. "Well that's just great! Why don't you get up off your lazy unemployable ass and change the channel by hand then?" The commercial changed to an announcement about some sort of Season One Mare-a-thon coming up next. A rainbow-colored cat or something flashed across the screen and winked at them.

Kumar dropped the remote. "I am too stoned to move. I am too stoned to move. The apartment building could be on fire and it wouldn't matter." His eyes widened as he contemplated a morning's stoned entertainment shot to hell. "Curse you, you cheap remote!"

Harold scowled. "Fine! I'll do it!" He sat there.

Kumar looked at him. "What the fuck, man? You said you'd do it! Do it! I can't do it and we're fucking missing the critical first minutes of a Sponge Bob episode, without which we will be unable to follow the rest!"

Harold stared at him. "Dude, I am soooo high right now!"

Kumar facepalmed. "Oh that's just fucking great! What the fuck are we watching now?"

The TV sang, "Aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah!"

Harold and Kumar both screamed in horror. "Oh God! Turn it off! Turn it off!" Kumar tried to submerge himself into the couch as the My Little Pony theme song played. "That song! It's trying to cut off my penis!"

Harold stared as the opening images flashed past his face. "It's like we've died and gone to Strawberry Shortcake hell!" He squirmed and grabbed at his crotch. "See if you can block the rays!"

"My manhood! I can smell my man card burning!" Kumar covered his face with one hand, grimacing and peeking at the pastel colored ponies between his fingers. "For the love of God man, pass me the bong! Pass me the bong!"

The protests became less stringent and less frequent as the fragrant Hawaiian opened the pathways of perception. "That dragon has a lampshade on his head. Is he fucking drunk?" Harold stroked his chin thoughtfully as he broke open another bud.

"The animation is actually pretty good. Very good. And yes, all the ponies are crazy, especially you, Twilight fucking stuck up Sparkle!" Kumar gave her the finger. "Another Brahmin who thinks her shit doesn't stink!"

"Hey man, are you saying she's Indian?" Harold looked at Kumar incredulously.

"Of course she's Indian! I suppose you're going to say she's Asian!"

"Well duh!" Harold waved Kumar's argument away. "Look at the bangs!"

"Like Indian girls don't have bangs! Well shit, that's what she needs, a good banging to loosen her tight ass up!" Kumar leered at the screen.

"What the fuck man, you want to tap that purple pony pussy?" Harold's eyes were as big as dinner plates as he cleaned the screen on the bowl, holding it in a pair of tweezers and burning the resin above an ash tray.

"Well somebody has to! Look at the way she's waving that ass around! She wants the D!"

"That's how horses walk! Look at you! You're getting turned on by a little girl's show about magical unicorns! You sick mother fucker!"

"I'm just saying it has to be done as a pubic service! I mean a public service!" Harold and Kumar both cracked up as another fresh bowl came on line. They watched the show for several more minutes.

"Oh shit, what just happened to the moon?" Harold gasped.

"Dude, it's the prophecy! She was right! The princess didn't listen to her but she was right! She figured this shit out five minutes into the show!" Kumar covered his mouth as his eyes bugged. "Shut up and watch!"

Nightmare Moon appeared on screen. "Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces." Harold and Kumar both jumped a bit in their seats.

"Shit's about to get real!" Harold grinned.

"Dude, this is some scary shit for a little girl!" Kumar shook his head. "My daughter won't be watching this until she's at least eight."

Lightning crashed on the screen as Nightmare Moon laughed maniacally, and the episode ended. Harold looked over at Kumar. "I think I can stand now." He stood, staggered a little and walked over to the TV. "I'll change it to Sponge Bob." He reached his fingers to the side of the TV.

"Don't you fucking dare! I know how to use a scalpel in ways that would make Hannibal Lecter puke!"

Harold backed away from the TV, which was showing a commercial for Littlest Pet Shop. "I was just kidding! Let me get some snacks."

By eleven o'clock that night, the entire first season of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, three bags of Doritos, four liters of of grape soda and the better part of a quarter ounce of Hawaiian had passed between the two friends. "Fluttershy is the best," Harold declared with absolute conviction.

"You're crazy, there's no way she's as good as Pinkie Pie!" Kumar loaded another full bowl from their diminishing supply. "Pinkie Pie saved the town from the parasprites!"

Harold grimaced, "Yeah, after they destroyed it. Without explaining why she needed the musical instruments, when her friends could have helped her if she had. Fluttershy handled a manticore, a cockatrice, she saved Twilight from being stoned... Heh heh. Do you think that was a reference?"

Kumar hefted the ready bong. "Fluttershy is such a wimp. And if any of them were stoners, it would definitely be Pinkie Pie. Not that Twilight isn't cool in her nerdy way, but she probably drinks Shirley Temples. Damn. I wish Equestria was real." The lighter struck and ignited the bowl. Kumar passed it over to Harold.

"Yeah me too. And I wish we could go there." Smoke bubbled through the now stinking bong water and filled Harold's abused lungs. As he held it, the bong started to sparkle with multicolored light. Rainbows cascaded all over the room as the music of sitars and esrajis filled the air.

"Whoah! This weed is amazing!" Harold looked down at the bong. "I am totally hallucinating right now!"

Kumar stared. "Me too. That's weird." A purple glow formed around the bong and suddenly a bolt of the same hue shot off, striking Kumar's mirror. A blinding flash erupted from the mirror and there was a sound like a very low pitched gong. "Holy shit!" the two friends cried out, simultaneously.

When the afterglow cleared from their eyes, they stared at the now merely tacky bong. Then they looked at the mirror, the same one Kumar used when trimming his pubic hairs, and saw through it a verdant, lush valley, a clear blue sky, and puffy white clouds.