Harold and Kumar Go to Equestria

Harold sat on the couch in a state of shock and stared through the framed, rectangular interdimensional portal hanging on the wall at the idyllic and brightly-colored scene beyond. Three minutes went by in silence as puffy, rounded clouds drifted by on a gentle breeze, the yellow sun illuminating a grassy kelly-green hillside, the sky pure cerulean. He was shaken from his stupefaction by the sound of the bong bubbling. He whipped his head around to behold Kumar sucking down a gigantic hit, a look of intense concentration on his face. "How can you smoke at a time like this?!"

Kumar ignored him, and instead, exhaled while reverently addressing the smoking device. "Oh mighty genie of the bong, I wish to have my penis grow to fifteen inches long and eight inches in circumference, a black briefcase containing ten million dollars in unmarked bills and Meghan Fox, here, naked, bound and greatly desirous of my seed!" Nothing happened. "So mote it be!" Still nothing. "Make it so? Pretty please?" Kumar's face fell. "Shit! We only get one wish and YOU used it to open a portal to Equestria!" Kumar pointed his finger accusingly at Harold.

"What? You wished for Equestria to be real first!" Harold pointed back. "I just agreed with you and said I wished we could go there!"

"I bet it was real all along and you just used the only wish to open the portal! I could be pumping my condom-free megadick into Meghan Fox while rubbing her all over with fresh, crisp one hundred dollar bills." He mimed pelvic thrusts. "Right on this fucking coffee table! But NOOOO! Some friend you are! It isn't even your magic bong! You owe me a wish, you asshole!"

"Whatever! Stop fucking around; there is an interdimensional gate in your apartment! Surely that means more to you than having a... giant... penis... um... never mind." Harold trailed off as Kumar scowled at him.

"Well, I guess we should see what we can see. Maybe Princess Celestia can give me a giant penis." Kumar stood up, held the bong in one hand, stuffed the lighter and the bag of weed into the pocket of his jeans with the other and walked toward the portal.

"Hey, wait a minute! You can't just go in there! What if there's no oxygen? What if you can't get back? How do we know it's really anything more than a picture?" Harold stood up, grabbed the Hustler from the coffee table, and tossed it through the portal where it landed on the grass, open to a particularly offensive hardcore layout.

"Well that's just great! The first communication to an alien planet by my friend Harold consists of a glossy jack-off mag. I'm sure the ponies will appreciate all our culture has to offer!" Kumar looked as the breeze turned the page. "And there's the money shot! Nice!"

Kumar sighed and reached out his hand, through the portal. Harold gasped as he started spasming, his eyes wide as he screamed "Oh God! The pain! Aaaah! Help, I'm trapped!" Harold grabbed him and tried to pull him back, and then Kumar started laughing. "Oh man, your face! It's priceless! You should really check your pants before you visit Equestria!"

"Oh, fuck you man. You're such a dick!" Harold shook his head and looked through the portal. "How does your hand feel?"

"Soft, warm and understanding, like always." He pulled it back into the room and waggled it. "Want to try it?" Kumar grinned as Harold rolled his eyes, then stepped forward though the mirror. It was like walking through a doorway out into a warm, sunny day. There was no flash of color, no disorientation, nothing unusual. Kumar breathed in the freshest air he had ever known, smelled the grass as it waved in the gentle breeze, looked up at the majestic cumulus clouds and sighed. "This place is like... heaven!"

Harold stepped through behind him and looked around. They were at the edge of a forest on top of a hill. Behind them was a cliff face, with a crevice in it through which they could make out the apartment. With the lights off, it would look like a small cave entrance. The verge of the forest ran for miles in either direction in a ragged line, dotted with more hills, and several streams meandered from them to converge into a small river cutting through the valley below. There were no signs of habitation and the only indication of animal life was the singing of songbirds from the woods all around.

There was a range of mountains in the distance and a large formation of clouds next to it that seemed strangely solid and did not move with the wind. The colors seemed somehow brighter here, though perhaps it was the sun. Kumar squinted and decided it was definitely more yellow than Sol. Perhaps a stellar type G1, slightly brighter and hotter than Earth's sun, but still quite capable of supporting life. He bent over to pluck a blade of grass. He wasn't a botanist but it wasn't any sort of grass he was familiar with. He plucked several more blades and put them into his pants pocket. Then he turned to the forest, looking at the trees. Pines and hardwoods, but it didn't look quite like any sort he'd ever seen before.

Harold sat down on the grass, grinning like a madman. He took a deep breath and exhaled, looking around wildly. "Wow... I think I found where I'm coming for vacation for the rest of my life. We should start a travel agency in your apartment; we'd rack up!"

Kumar's eyes narrowed. "Nobody can know of this. Nobody, not friends, not girls, not family, nobody! As soon as word got out, people would come here to exploit it and they'd ruin it. The government would take it over and they'd probably take us back to Gitmo while they were at it. This must be our eternal secret." He reached into his pocket, pulled out the bag of weed, took a pinch of the Hawaiian bud, squeezed it to break it up, a seed popping out unnoticed, and loaded it into the bowl. "Swear it! By the almighty bong!" He passed it to Harold.

Harold nodded gravely. "May I never smoke weed again if I betray this sacred trust." The lighter sparked, the bowl glowed, the bong bubbled and Harold took a mighty hit. He passed it back to Kumar, holding his breath.

Kumar unscrewed the bowl, tapped the ashes out on the ground, and took the last of the quarter ounce from the Ziploc bag, two more seeds dropping to the ground. He loaded it, said "May I live to become my father if I violate this oath," and lit up toking deeply.

The two exhaled, saying "We will never tell anyone about the portal!" As they did so, the sun went behind a cloud and there was the sound of a thunderclap. They felt themselves pelted by rain and heard the sound of a downpour approaching.

"Uh oh, let's get back!" Kumar scrambled to his feet and ran to the cliff face, holding the bong as Harold scooped up the Hustler, which was getting rainspotted. They both ran through the portal into the dry of the apartment. It stank. "Oh God, does it always smell like this?" Kumar wrinkled his nose.

Harold almost retched. "Dude, it's always nasty, but we were just breathing air that has never been polluted." He looked at the portal where a heavy rain was now drenching the slope. No sound passed through as water ran down the hillside. "We need to cover that up." He pulled a dusty afghan from the back of the couch and draped it over the mirror. Then he yawned. "Look, we have to plan how to do this right, and we're both high as fuck right now, and we've been smoking superb weed, thank you by the way," Kumar nodded in reply, "and we've been awake for about eighteen hours. It's one in the morning and I need to sleep. If this thing is still here when we wake up, then we'll figure out what to do. Now I'm going to dry off and get to bed."

Kumar rubbed his eyes and yawned. "Yeah, that's a good idea. We'll need to get equipment, clothing, and I don't know, maybe guns? If that's the Everfree Forest, there are monsters, not just ponies." Harold nodded in agreement. "And we have to do some research; botany, zoology, mythology, survival skills. Plus we'll be on our own so we need food, medical supplies, and most importantly, more of the Hawaiian, for sure. Can you pay for all that?"

"I think so. I've got enough to live on for six months if I don't get a job; a couple month's worth of rent and groceries should be able to pay for everything we need. But we're even on that giant penis wish, OK?" Kumar nodded back, then yawned again as Harold tossed the magazine back on the coffee table. "We'll also want to get some trade goods. If we meet ponies or whatever, assuming that really is Equestria, we want to make a good impression and maybe get some stuff in return. Not too much, because we don't want to attract attention on this side, but enough to cover our needs, I think. And we need something better than that blanket to cover the mirror." He yawned again and stretched. "Man, I'm beat. Good night." Harold turned and walked into his small bedroom.

"Night, Harold." Kumar walked towards his bedroom, stopped, went back to the coffee table and picked up the Hustler, then turned off the lights and headed to his room.

On the other side of the portal, the rain continued.