Harold and Kumar Go to Equestria

The supplies were ready. Two army surplus rucksacks were full of packaged food, water, first aid kits, two flash lights and two walkie-talkies with plenty of batteries. Sleeping bags were rolled up neatly underneath the main carrying compartments. A compact video camera was in Kumar's bag and a laptop computer was in Harold's, along with dozens of DVDs and four charged spare batteries. Kumar looked at the bag of marijuana on the coffee table with disgust. Everybody is out of Hawaiian. All we can get is this Kentucky bluegrass indica shit, dammit. Overpriced too. He thought of the sweet, sweet sativa head and sighed, then picked up the "Plus Five Bong of the Planes," as Harold had nerdishly dubbed it, and burned down the slightly ammoniated domestic grass. This isn't actually bad, but I've been spoiled. "I wish I had a pound of that Hawaiian dope!" He toked again and looked around, then exhaled. "Shit." At least Harold will be here soon, with the guns and ammo.

On cue, Harold opened the door and stepped into the apartment. He carried with him two gun cases and a heavily weighted plastic bag from Wal Mart. He put down the cases, closed the door and locked it. Then he looked at Kumar and smiled. "Passed the background check!"

"Congratulations, you don't have any felonies on record. Thanks to Weedmaster Dubya." Kumar walked over to the coffee table as Harold put the gun cases and ammo in the center. "So what did you get at Wal Mart, killer?" Harold unzipped the gun cases.

"One Marlin X-7 .270 bolt action rifle with a 3x9x40 Bushnell scope, 200 rounds, one twelve-gauge Mossberg Maverick pump action shotgun, 100 shells. With soft cases and cleaning kits. And two pounds of beef jerky. All in, six hundred bucks. Guns and beef jerky are the only things sold in Wal Mart that aren't made in China. God bless America!" Harold grinned from ear to ear.

Kumar was momentarily speechless. "Wow, you didn't fuck up! I was expecting you to show up with starters' pistols or BB guns or something like that."

"Fuck that shit! Manticores and hydras and dragons, oh my!" Harold shook his head. "You shoot a manticore with a .22 and I think he may become annoyed at you. How about you reward my common sense with some of that uncommon sense?" He waggled his eyebrows.

Kumar scowled and waved a hand at the bag on the table. "That's all they had. All the Maui Wowie has been smoked up. And even this was eighty for a quarter."

"What is that shit? Mersh?" Harold's cheesy grin of anticipation vanished as he contemplated the deep stonage of indica versus the cerebral high of sativa.

"Freakin' Kentucky Swamp Skunk or something like that. Wasn't cured right either, but it's better than nothing. Want a hit or what?"

"A blowjob is better than a handjob, but a handjob still gets the job done," Harold replied in a philosophic tone. He took the bong and loaded up.

Kumar looked at his reflection in the mirror now on the wall. It took a few days of poking around consignment stores in the Village to find one that would that fit over the portal. He had hung it with gravity hinges set so it would close behind them, but it would be easy enough to push open. It could also be locked from this side with a small hook and eyelet. Behind him, the bong bubbled and Harold said, "I wish I had a pound of that Hawaiian dope!"

"Tried that already." Kumar went to open the doorway, but paused. It was about eleven in the morning, and Equestria seemed to be offset from Earth by about twelve hours, so it would be almost midnight there. "You know, we need to load up first, then turn the lights off, and then open the door."

Harold nodded. "Sounds good. You know, you're actually planning things. Are you growing up?"

Kumar shot him a dirty look. "I don't want to fuck this up, but I wouldn't go that far!" He took the rifle and operated the bolt action. "Kind of old school here. You couldn't get an AK-47 with one of those big banana clips?"

"Dude, this is New Jersey, not Texas." Harold grabbed the Mossberg and opened up a box of shells. "Now how do I load this thing?"

"Oh no you don't, not here! Remember what happened with Santa Claus?" Kumar grabbed the box of shells from the tabled and stuffed it into Harold's backpack.

"Fuck man, make one mistake and it follows you for the rest of your life!" Harold found the operator's manual in the shotgun case and started reading it.

They spent the next half hour familiarizing themselves with the operation of their weapons. "Let's do some target practice on the other side when the sun comes up." Kumar took some empty beer cans from under the coffee table and stuffed them into the sides of his rucksack.

"We are assuming this stuff is going to work over there." Harold spoke around the slice of cold Domino's pizza he was stuffing into his mouth.

"How can you eat Domino's when it's a day old? You could sharpen that crust and use it to shave! Not that you have or will ever have any facial hair."

"Yeah, well you can use it to shave your luxuriously thick pubes." Harold twisted his head, pulled and tore off a rubbery chunk.

"Maybe I already did," Kumar replied slyly. Harold's eyes bugged out and he inspected the slice carefully, the returned to the difficult task of chewing.

"OK, well, let's go to Equestria." Kumar stood, and lifted the ruck sack. "Holy fuckbeans, what's in this thing, a fucking anvil?" He staggered his way over to the couch, put the ruck on the seat and backed into it.

"Four gallons of water is about 34 pounds; that's probably most of it." Harold wrestled his bag on the coffee table and put it on. The two friends stood up.

"Why do we need so much fucking water? There's a river in that valley you know!" Kumar untwisted the straps and picked up the cased rifle.

"We don't know if that water is any good, and besides it's better to have it and not need it." He took the shotgun and tried to sling the case over his shoulder, but was blocked by the ruck. "How do soldiers carry all their shit anyway?"

"I guess they work out instead of smoking dope, eating snacks and watching ponies." Kumar fiddled with the latch on the mirror. "Oh man, don't forget the dope!"

"Got it. Are we taking the Plus Five Bong of The Planes?" Harold picked up the glittering water pipe.

"Oh hell yeah, who knows, they may not have rolling papers in Equestria!" They both laughed. "Check to make sure the door is locked, then put the chain on and turn out the lights." Harold complied, then felt his way around the coffee table to the wall.

"Here goes, buddy." Kumar lifted the latch and opened the covering mirror. Equestria was covered in silvery light and as Harold poked his head through the portal, a vast full moon became visible. "Wow... that's a big moon."

"Come on man, get a move on. I want to see Luna's moon, not yours!" Kumar stepped through the door and Harold came after him. "Wow! That IS a big moon! You could read by that light!" Harold turned around looked at the cliff face where he had sprayed the bright yellow paint. "OK, the paint is still there; we shouldn't have any problems finding it again."

"So where do you want to go, Harold?" Kumar breathed in the sugar-sweet air, untainted by industry and internal combustion.

"We don't want to go anywhere before the sun comes up. We just wanted to make sure that nobody saw us coming out of the cave. We should probably stick pretty close to here for a few days, maybe check out the woods. Hey, let me check something." Harold took out his phone. "Two bars!"

"It makes sense. If light can penetrate the portal, radio waves should be able to. Sound can't though... maybe there's a little vacuum space between the two worlds. Try walking around." Kumar waved his hand, indicating the general area.

Harold complied looking at his phone. "OK, it's a narrow zone, maybe three feet wide and..." he paced away from the portal, "maybe ten feet long. Wireless internet is working too. Looks like there's no problem with electronics at all. Maybe we could run wires back into the apartment and put a router out here."

"We could set up an internet cafe! I'm sure Fluttershy would be delighted to see all the R34 of her and Rainbow Dash!" Kumar had been researching Equestria online and stumbled into the disturbing and slightly intriguing world of pony porn. "They're going to think we're strange enough as it is without seeing the internet and the brony weirdos. Besides, we don't want to attract attention to this particular location, do we?"

"Well, how do you know Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash aren't girlfriends?" Kumar snorted something about clichés as Harold looked around in the silvery light. "We don't really know this is even Equestria. For all we know, there's nothing and no-one here."

"That's a depressing thought. I really want to meet Pinkie Pie." Kumar looked at Harold glumly.

"Oh, I'm sure there's ponies around here someplace, Kumar. This story would suck balls without them."

Kumar nodded and hitched at his pack. "This fucking thing isn't getting any lighter. You wanna just set up camp here until morning?"

Harold pointed down into a slight draw. "Let's just get down there so we won't be so noticeable. Then we can get blitzed in Equestria and look up at that moon."

The trudged down into a notch in the side of the hill and put their rucks and guns down where it flattened out. It was sort of like being in a miniature valley. Kumar pulled the weed and lighter out of his pocket while Harold handed him the bong. "Here's to getting baked in a new world." The bong bubbled and Kumar passed it. "I wish my dick was twice it's current size!" Kumar unzipped his pants and pulled his normal-sized penis out. "Shit!"

"Fuck man, I don't need to see that!" Harold averted his eyes and finished the bowl while Kumar zipped trou. Over the next two hours, the two buddies smoked themselves into a body-high as they stared up at the brilliant and beautiful moon, the unfamiliar constellations whirling about. Finally, warm, happy and comfortable on the soft grass, they both fell asleep.

The morning sun woke them, it's warmth gently stroking their faces. Harold kept his eyes shut his eyes against it. "Oh man, someone ask Celestia to put the sun back down."

Kumar had his eyes screwed up as well. "Sure thing, right after I ask her to give me an enormous penis." There was a giggle from somewhere above his head. Kumar's eyes shot open and he found himself looking up into the face of a zebra wearing about five pounds of solid gold jewelry. "Holy shit!"

I do not think it seemly, or even very wise
To ask the royal princess to help you with your size,
With what good nature blessed you, you satisfied should be.
Now tell me, what strange creatures before me do I see?

The lilting Swahili accent fell upon the ear like an exotic auditory spice. Harold leapt to his feet as Kumar stared up where he lay underneath her, his jaw slack and his eyes wide. "Zecora!" cried Harold in a voice of pure delight. The zebra came up to about his chin, huge hoop earrings, dzilla neck rings and bracelets all gleaming in the yellow light. She tilted her head curiously at Harold.

You know my name? How is this so?
Who you are, that I'd like to know!

Harold beamed as Kumar recovered and got to his feet. "I'm sorry, I'm Harold and this is my friend Kumar. We're humans."

It's nice to meet you Harold, and Kumar, also you.
But please, won't you now tell me, from whither came you two?

Harold spoke up. "We come from..."

Kumar jumped in front of him. "... very far away! We've heard so much about Equestria and the ponies, we wanted to come visit. We're tourists!"

Zecora narrowed her eyes slightly.

If you don't wish to say from whence you come, just say so!
I've told nopony about my homeland. Don't play so!

Kumar looked down, ashamed. "Well, yeah, um, it's not that we don't trust you, but where we come from is dangerous. I'd be worried that someone, um, some pony, could try to go there and they'd get hurt or worse. And other humans could find out about this place and that could be very bad. Some of us aren't very nice." Zecora nodded and smiled.

You two seem nice enough to me
But ponies are quite tough, you see.
These dangers that you seem to fear
Through magic would soon disappear.

"I'm sure you're right Zecora, your princess would defend you." Harold smiled. "But Kumar is also right to want to play it safe." She nodded. "So, what can you tell us of Equestria?"

I'll gladly give the two-bit tour,
and walk you to my tree's front door.
But first would you explain to me,
These plants that grow nearby to thee?

She backed up and indicated with her hoof a group of three green bushes that were growing at the bottom of the draw. Three lush, thickly flowering, fragrant green bushes with hints of red coloration. Harold and Kumar stared at them, utterly dumbfounded.

Sativa!