Harold and Kumar Go to Equestria

Three bushes grew up from the moist soil at the bottom of the draw. They were, about four feet tall, with upright habits, five-lobed leaves and long, green, sticky buds filled with little white flowers. It seemed like tiny tendrils with all the colors of a psychedelic rainbow curled around the dense growth. Kumar stared at them, mouth agape. He fell to his knees, spread his arms wide, and looked up to the sky. He took a mighty breath, then cried out a heartfelt, "THANK YOU!" to the universe.

For his part, Harold said nothing. He merely walked up to one of the bushes, reached out, touched a bud, then drew his hand back and held it to his hand to smell it. Then he started to cry tears of pure joy.

Zecora looked at the two humans in utter confusion.

What is this bush? What does it do?
How can it mean so much to you?

Harold looked up, and his tear streaked face broke into a broad smile as he turned to Kumar. "What do you think of the Bong of the Planes now?"

Kumar was trembling. "This is the greatest moment of my entire life! This is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen!" He turned to Zecora. "You really don't know what this is?"

Though I'm a noted botanist,
I knew not that this did exist.

"Kumar, you couldn't have planted this, right? It's only been a week!" Harold was practically dancing with joy.

Kumar could not keep his eyes off the sight of the supreme sinsemilla. "I didn't, but it's definitely Hawaiian. I must have dropped some seeds when we came here last week." He stood up and approached the plant. "The sun, the soil, the warmth... but even in Hawaii, this would take at least 2 months." He shook his head. "This won't have much of a yield per plant because they weren't trained; maybe only a pound for the three."

Harold stared at Kumar, who's smile slowly widened until it practically wrapped around his head. "A pound?" Kumar nodded, silently grinning. "Oh my fucking sweet holy mother shit fuck goddam a pound!?"

Zecora cleared her throat. Harold looked at her. "This is what we humans call marijuana. It is an important plant for use in uh, medicines and religious ceremonies. We didn't realize it would grow here. Who, um, who owns this land?" A shadow passed in front of his face.

This land is known as Everfree.
Here nothing owned shall ever be.

"So it's not just the forest? The princess doesn't own this land?" Harold brightened as she shook her head. "You aren't going to tell the cops about us, are you?"

Whatever a cop might be,
I'll say nothing to it of thee.
You say this plant is medicine?
I would like to have some then.

He looked at Harold who nodded dumbly, staring at the green and white flowers with the orange and red stamens. He looked closer and closer in wonder at the tiny crystals that formed on the buds and the smaller leaves. "You see, Zecora, where we come from, everyone is sort of crazy. This makes us sane again. It's also the safest pain relief medication in the world, according to Ronald Reagan's Surgeon General. It stimulates the appetite and relieves glaucoma. It doesn't cure cancer but it relieves a lot of the symptoms. How about we split it three ways?"

That sounds most fairly done,
My friendly human one.

Harold walked over to Kumar and clapped him on the shoulder. “So, what do we need to do?”

Kumar closed his eyes and recalled what he had read on the subject of harvesting in High Times. “Sterile scissors, gloves, we’ll need to dry it somewhere, and something to put it in… should we cure it in the apartment?”

“Man, if we get busted with that much… that would be bad.”

A drying rack? I have a few.
We'll cure that in a week or two.
I dry my herbs of brown and green,
but tell me what does busted mean?

Kimar looked away from the plants. "Zecora, you'll let us keep this at your place? That would be great. Where we come from, you aren't, uh, supposed to grow or use medicinal plants." She looked scandalized. "Yeah, it's totally not fair. If you get caught doing it, you get busted. If you get caught with a lot, you can go to prison for a long time."

Zecora reached with her mouth to her saddle bags. She pulled out a sickle and several paper bags. With her hooves, she placed the bag over a length of bud on the stem and made a quick cut, holding the sickle in her mouth. She repeated the process for several minutes until the bag was full and the bush was half empty.

She looked at the sickle which was covered with sticky resin. Kumar and Harold just stared at the skill she displayed. She wiped the sickle on another piece of paper and took a second bag, finishing off the first plant.

A botanist, an herbalist, a healer, those am I.
I'll harvest all this flora, then we'll all be off to dry.

In a matter of a few minutes, Zercora had expertly harvested most of the crop, not once touching the product or letting it hit the ground; she did not have enough paper for all of the buds. All Harold and Kumar could do was applaud, so deftly and quickly did she harvest the dope. She placed the paper bags into her saddlebags, wrapped the sickle in yet more paper and looked at the two humans.

Human friends, the Everfree
has dangers, so stay close to me.

With that, she strode forward. "Wait, let us put our backpacks on!" Harold struggled to get his back on while Kumar simply rummaged through his and pulled out about a case of water bottles.

"Just a moment please, I have to do something." He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a small bag. He looked at Harold and grinned, then started pushing seeds down into the soil at the bottom of the draw, all told about thirty of so. Then he started opening bottles of water and soaked the ground, while Zecora looked on with interest.

What is that bottle made of? May I see it please?
I'd surely like to take home a few of these.

She squeezed the bottle between her hooves, fascinated by the texture of the clear plastic.

When Kumar had finished playing Johnny Appleseed, he gathered up the remaining bottles and stuffed them back in his considerably lighter pack. "You can have all of the bottles you want, Zecora. It is a little dangerous out here, though, right? We do have some magic of our own." He uncased the .270, checked the safety and started to load it.

Harold did the same with the shotgun. "We never did get to practice."

"This time, just don't shoot any mythological figures that aren't trying to eat us, OK?" Kumar winked at Zecora, who was utterly nonplussed.

Harold rolled his eyes. "Will you just get over that? I mean, it was a freak accident, OK?"

Kumar worked the bolt and pushed a round into the chamber. "It's not something you just get over. I'm traumatized for life."

Harold worked the slide with a satisfying click. "Good. I hope it gives you nightmares, motherfucker," said Harold, who was feeling suddenly badass.

Zecora looked at the two humans, their attitudes changing suddenly as they armed themselves, and was taken a bit aback.

Those sticks you have, what are they for?
What magic do they have in store?

Harold spoke up. "There are guns, Zecora. They're weapons that can kill at a distance." He nodded at Kumar's scoped rifle. "That one shoots a long distance." He indicated his shotgun. "This one is shorter ranged but can cause more damage."

"Just be careful. I mean it." Kumar looked at Harold very seriously. "No fucking around."

"Yeah, OK, I'll be careful." Harold seemed somewhat deflated.

Zecora looked at them in confusion.

Why came you here, so heavily armed?
Will ponies by you ever be harmed?

"We'd never hurt a pony. Not on purpose anyway." Kumar glared at Harold, who nodded glumly. "But there are dragons, hydras, and manticores right? And we weren't really sure what we'd find here." Kumar slung the weapon. "We're far away from home and until now, friendless." He smiled at Zecora. "You are our friend, right Zecora?"

Kumar's eyes shone with sincerity. Zecora visibly relaxed and then nodded.

This zebra ever shall be
the truest friend to thee.

She started walking and the two humans followed, chatting amicably about the creatures of the forest, the geography, the location of Ponyville and so forth. They entered the forest and the sky darkened. Perhaps darkened was not the right word; they entered a greenish gloom. The forest was a mass of growth of every shade of green and texture of vegetation imaginable, none of them familiar. Zecora pointed out particularly useful and interesting plants, pointed out the markers indicating manticore territory, and how to avoid it, then paused to pick up what looked to be an incredibly detailed statute of a squirrel.

A cockatrice got you, little one.
But I have cures to change you back from stone.

When they saw this, the two started looking around at the forest with apprehension. Zecora looked at them and laughed.

My brave young ones, do not take fright.
The cockatrice comes out at night.

"Why would it turn things to stone? Does it eat stone?" Harold was mystified by the evolutionary advantages that may be gained by gorgonism.

Some creatures use urine and feces to mark their range;
The cockatrice turns creatures to stone. Is that so strange?

Harold mulled that over. "So the cockatrice marks it's territory with it's victims? That's pretty cold. But it makes sense; I bet it gets left alone."

Mostly, although Fluttershy
comes to visit, bye and bye.

Kumar spoke up. "Zecora, why do you speak in rhymes? Is that something all zebras do?"

Zecora was silent for a bit, and Kumar and Harold didn't push the issue, but eventually she sighed sadly.

I was punished and bound with a curse,
To forever speak only in verse.

"Really? You can't speak in prose at all? You rhyme so well..." Harold seemed quite upset at the thought of Zecora being cursed, though what she could have done to be punished like that, and by whom, he couldn't begin to imagine.

It was a long time ago.
One gets used to it, you know.
Worry not yourself, my friend,
my tree is just 'round the bend.

True to her word, they came to a great tree with a door in the trunk. She opened the door.

Kumar, Harold, come in my tree
A second home, please let it be.

"Zecora, you are truly awesome." Kumar entered the massive bole.

"Thank you so much Zecora. This place is amazing." Harold followed Kumar, looking around in wonder.

Zecora smiled, followed Harold in, and closed the door.