Harold and Kumar Go to Equestria

Zecora showed the two friends inside of the great tree, which was hung throughout with bottles, jars and jugs. A dreamcatcher hung on the inside of the front door. Her workshop took up the entire first floor, except where she had her bed in an alcove on the side and a staircase on the circular wall that circled up to a second floor. Harold and Kumar stared at all the bottles and jars that lined the shelves and workbenches. A cauldron sat upon a hearth in the center, though there seemed to be no chimney to vent the smoke that from any fire that would be lit. There was more light inside than could be explained by the few small windows letting in the green tinted light under the heavy canopy of the forest but no other light sources were visible.

Unknown and exotic herbs hung in strands from hooks on the ceiling and the place smelled... well... it was hard to identify. It seemed to smell somewhat different on every breath, as though the odors retained their distinctiveness instead of combining into a melange. Kumar stared up and down at the center of the tree, and saw the heartwood on both floor and ceiling.

"Zecora, how does this tree survive with so much wood taken from the center? The heartwood is the central support. This tree should collapse under its own weight." Kumar stared at the ceiling again. "The ceiling isn't rotted or cracked. All the wood in the ceiling should be dead." Zecora looked around her home.

Supported by life and nourished by love,
The magic mates roots to the leaves above.

"The tree lives as long as it is lived in?" Zecora nodded in response to Harold's question. "That's amazing."

"Well Harold, this is fucking Equestria. Everything is amazing." Kumar walked around looking at all the drying herbs and odd ingredients. A glass jar with the preserved remains of a fish sat on a shelf and he stared at it. The fish opened its eyes and looked back. "Shit!"

My ignorance, I must admit;
What mean those words, both "fuck" and "shit?"

Kumar and Harold both stared at each other, then pointed and simultaneously started yelling at each other.

"Your fault!" Kumar yelled.

"Kumar, how could you!?"

"Cursing in front of Zecora? What the fuck Harold!?"

"You've corrupted something innocent and wonderful!" Harold pointed again. "You!"

"God fucking dammit!" Kumar shook his fist at Harold. Zecora's head swung back and forth in amazement at each accusation.

You fight so in front of me?
Why would you so angry be?

Harold sat down heavily at the central table. "Shit means feces. Sometimes when humans get excited, or upset, or angry, or just to add emphasis, that word sort of comes out. It really isn't something we should say. Neither is the other word." Zecora covered her mouth with her hoof and blushed.

Harold looked at him with contempt. "Way to take the easy one, buddy." He closed his eyes, "The other word is used in a similar way. It means... fuck means to have sex." Zecora's eyes bugged out as she practically burned red.

That's rude and crude and gives offense,
on top of which, it makes no sense!

"Well, yeah, I guess it is sort of a colloquialism." Kumar looked over at Harold. "We're guys. We're friends. It's fun to give each other sh... um... a hard time."

"Yeah it's just something we do. Lots of humans do. Sorry, we'll try to tone it down in polite company. We aren't in polite company a lot. Our, um, country isn't as magical as yours is." Harold gave her a lopsided grin.

Zecora shook her head and took off her saddle bags. She went over to a set of wicker drawers on a stand made of bamboo and started emptying the paper bags into them. The smell of the pot filled the room, mixing and yet not mixing with all the other smells. She took a wooden spoon and poked at the sticks, ensuring that air would be able to get all around the buds.

"Zecora, we need to trim off the fan leaves first." Kumar walked next to her and looked into the bins at the dozens of buds. "If they shrivel up and get into the buds, it will make it harsh." He reached into one of the bins and pulled out a bud.

Your hooves look very strange to me,
What are those tubes supposed to be?

Kumar waggled his digits. "Fingers. How do you pick things up with hooves, anyway?"

She showed him the sole of her hoof, and he saw the pad ripple as she flexed multiple small muscles and passed the stick of one of the buds from one end to the other, almost like someone walking a coin. "OK, that's a little creepy."

You think those pinching segmented worms of yours
are any less creepy to those on all fours?

"Yeah but, I can do something you can't!" Kumar looked at Harold and slowly extended his middle finger.

"Kumar! What did we just say?" Harold frowned in disapproval.

"Oh, sh... oot. Sorry, I forgot." He looked at Zecora. "Don't ask."

She rolled her eyes.

Kumar showed her the fan leaves and then the three of them trimmed the buds, disposing of the large fan leaves. The smaller leaves inside the buds were also trimmed, but Kumar said they should be saved. "Other forms of the medicine can be made by them, like hashish." When they were left, they had almost a pound and a half of trimmed buds.

"This is great!" Harold was looking over the final product. "Can we, um, test it out?"

"Not until it's dried, Harold. It won't smoke right and it will be harsh if we jump the gun. And this is going to be wonderful. First rate."

"Well then, how about the indica?"

Kumar thought for a bit. "You know what? I think I just want to wait. I don't feel any need for that here. I don't want to get stoned; we're in a new world. Let's just use that when we go back home and everything sucks again. Zecora, thanks for your help. There's so much to see here though; can we go out?"

The bright sun will be going down soon;
it is not safe here under the moon.
Why do not you both stay the night?
Tomorrow you can see the sights.

She showed them upstairs where she had a guestroom. The single bed in the guestroom was woefully small and the ceiling of the upper floor was cramped compared to downstairs where long strings of dried herbs hung from the ceiling. "We could sleep on the floor in our sleeping bags." Harold indicated spaces at the side and foot of the bed.

Kumar nodded, looking around at the decorations on the walls. There were wood carvings of zebras, lions and giraffes, tapestries with landscapes of mountains, forests and grasslands, candles carved with tribal markings... all in all the interior of the room was exotic, but tasteful. Some of the thick scent from downstairs filtered up, but it was almost like herbs and cedar. "This is a very nice room. Thank you."

Zecora bade them goodnight and went into the adjoining room. Harold and Kumar unwrapped their sleeping bags and laid themselves out. Kumar fell asleep immediately and started snoring quietly, but Harold stayed awake, thoughts of Equestria running through his imagination. He watched as the silver rays of moonlight peeked through the small window and painted the tapestries in an ethereal light. Then something started to bother him. "Uh oh." Harold sat up.

Kumar woke and looked up from his spot. "What is it?"

"I have to pee."

"Congratulations, you're going to be the first human to urinate in Equestria." Kumar laid back down and rolled over.

"Dude, where's the bathroom?"

"I don't know. This is a tree, go out the door."

Harold got up, banged his head on the ceiling, covered his mouth to keep from cussing and managed to get down the stairs. He went out the front door and headed towards the nearest bush. As he relieved himself, he looked down and to his horror, he saw what appeared to be a chicken with red eyes, bat wings and a lizard's tale staring at him. In particular, it was staring at the business he was doing. Harold screamed.

By the time he was back inside the tree, running, screaming and knocking things over, Kumar and Zecora were awake. Zecora spoke some sort of charm and the lamps in the room all burned brightly. Then they saw what the problem was.

Harold was standing, miserable, looking down in horror at what appeared to be an erect granite penis.

"Holy shit!" Kumar clapped his hand over his mouth and sat down on the stairs. Zecora let out some sort of horrified zebra shriek and ran for her room, slamming the door closed behind her.

"Kumar! It was the cockatrice! It was waiting outside and it scoped out my peter when I was taking a leak!"

"Oh my God!" Kumar was making some sort of strangled noises behind his hand. "I'm sorry, I know... I know this isn't funny, but... oh my God!" Kumar could no longer keep it in and started laughing, shaking, falling down and rolling on your ass belly laughs.

"Oh fuck you man! I can't feel anything! What am I supposed to do?"

"Go back home and become an internet sensation? Work as the spokesman for Viagra? It is a cock-atrice after all, what do you expect it to look at?" Kumar rolled around on the floor. "Dude, Zecora said she can cure that, remember? You'll be fine."

Harold breathed a huge sigh of relief. "That's right, she did, didn't she? Zecora? I'm sorry, but I was a little upset. Can you come out?" She replied from behind the door.

Zecora won't come out to play
until you put that thing away!

"Sorry, but it's kind of stuck in this position and I can't zip it. The cockatrice turned it into stone." There was the sound of the door bolt being slid and Zecora poked her head out. She looked at Harold, then her eyes went downward with some trepidation. She turned beet red between the black stripes, then put her hoof to her mouth and started to giggle. "I get it, it's funny." Harold frowned as Kumar's howls of laughter joined the increasing titters from the zebra until they were both helplessly guffawing. "Will you please cure me? You have a potion right?" Zecora stopped laughing, blinked and then blushed almost crimson.

A cure I have, assuredly, to mend petrification,
but I must chant and with my hooves apply the medication!

Kumar's laughter redoubled as Zecora and Harold looked at one another uncomfortably. "Well, I guess you two want to be alone!" He continued laughing as they scowled at him.

My human friend Harold, come into my room;
I'll not treat your affliction before this buffoon!

Harold took his erect granite penis, walked passed Zecora and went into the zebra's room with as much dignity as he could muster. As Zecora closed the door she stuck her tongue out at Kumar.

Kumar went up to the guest room and stayed awake for a while laughing quietly to himself, waiting for Harold to come back out so he could make fun of him. He waited for half an hour planning all the various jokes and quips with which to torment his buddy. The half hour then stretched into an hour. Finally, when he could stay awake no longer, he fell asleep wondering what could be taking so long.

The morning sun woke him, filtering greenly through the canopy as it streaked through the window. Harold's bedroll was not slept in. Kumar heard something coming from downstairs. Harold was laughing and Zecora spoke to him.

Dear Harold, would you please explain,
Why Long Duk Dong is a funny name?

Kumar came downstairs and saw Zecora and Harold sitting up, watching the laptop, upon which Deborah Pollack was dancing with Gedde Watanabe. "Sixteen Candles? What is it with you and that movie? The first movie shown to a pony in Equestria and it's Sixteen Candles? Where is your manhood?"

Zecora leaned into Harold, a smile on her face.

Friend Kumar, I don't think you should
make fun of Harold's stallionhood.

Harold looked and her and kissed her, which she warmly returned.

"What!!?!?" Kumar was outraged.

Harold shrugged. "She's been here for years and none of the stallions in Ponyville ever really warmed up to her. She's lonely. She was applying the salve, and one thing led to another..." He turned back to the zebra mare who was snuggling him. "Thank you, by the way. I did say that, right?"

You said it alright,
At least three times last night.

"Well, the instructions on the medicine did say to rub it in until all stiffness is relieved." She giggled.

"Oh God." Kumar covered his ears, closed his eyes and sat on the floor.

Why Kumar, you embarrassed prude,
be happy for us! Don't be rude!

"Yeah Kumar, don't be a dick!" Zecora looked at him questioningly. "If it's a body part or a bodily function being applied to a person, it's almost always an insult." She nodded.

Kumar sighed. "OK, OK, it's just a lot to process. I'm sorry."

Zecora nuzzled Harold's neck then got up out of the bed.

We'll continue our movie tonight, my dear,
as your stomach now rumbles for breakfast, I fear.
And there is much in the Everfree
that I have to show to both you and he.

Kumar noticed as she walked to the cauldron that there was a certain spring to her step that he had not seen yesterday. He looked at Harold, who shrugged and got out of the bed, much to Kumar's relief wearing his boxers. He clicked the mousepad to pause the movie, then set the computer to hibernate, closing the top with a click.

"So you're using our batteries up for this, when we could be using them for educational materials?" Kumar was trying his best to salvage the situation.

"You mean those porn DVDs you packed?" Harold was obviously feeling more confident than usual.

"Hey mister judgmental, you didn't have a problem with them before!" Kumar scowled defensively.

"Maybe I don't have a problem with them now, either. Zecora is pretty open-minded you know." Harold grinned

"I don't know and I don't want to know!" Kumar shut up when he realized something delicious was being cooked. "Wow, she can cook!"

Harold threw some clothes on and the two sat down at the main table, watching as Zecora stirred something in the cauldron, shaking shakers and adding dashes of liquids from bottles. The two humans salivated. Zecora looked over her shoulder at them and grinned.

I hope you like omelettes. Now eat your fill,
For today we will visit Ponyville!