Chapters When I think of love, I think of two average white people having coffee, or a puppy rubbing his rubbery, disgusting tongue all over his owner's face. I think of two 8 year olds sharing the same ice cream cone, or a middle-aged guy watching the Super Bowl on his flat-screen HD television. Sometimes I think of love as a tool used by the government to make me waste money on chocolates and jewelry for a girl I'll dump a week later.. And sometimes, now and then, I think of love as two reptilian creatures of the same gender making out even though their owners don't approve of their love.
I'm kind of weird that way.
Anyways, I gotta start off a story by being pretentious because HEY that's what all the famous people do! Now, let's start this damn story already.
The month of February is one of the busiest months Ponyville has ever known. Married couples and prepubescent ponies alike rush to get their loved ones the perfect gift for Hearts and Hooves Day, even though Hearts and Hooves Day is in, like, a week. But who can blame them? Love is in the air, and no one's sniffing it up like our pal Spike.
"Hey, Twilight!" The small purple-ish fire-breathing reptile (most commonly known as a dragon) said as he waltzed into the library. He was carrying a bag full of groceries, as Twilight had made the mistake of mating with a male 8 months ago and now had a small horse growing inside of her, making her unable to buy the groceries herself because she was really big and Ponyville had just discovered the wonder of fat shaming.
"Hey, Spike! Back with the groceries?" She answered, presumably because Spike was indeed back with the groceries. Smart cookie, Twilight is.
"Yup! And I got you your cream cheese!" He reached into the pits of ~~Hell~~ the bag and tossed a tube of cream cheese to Twilight.
"Oh, thank you! I was craving for that so badly." She said as the tube hit her in the eye. Spike forgot that Twilight has no fingers and therefore cannot catch objects that are thrown at her.
Spike dumped the groceries on the floor like the little prick he is and went upstairs, to his sleeping basket. He reached into his pillow, and pulled out 4 bits. "With this money, I'll buy Rarity a Hearts and Hooves Day gift!" He thought to himself, while also indirectly explaining a plot point to the reader. Spike has been saving this money ever since he knew Rarity, and now he finally had enough to buy Rarity the perfect gift: A plastic bracelet.
TIMESKIP!
Spike comes hopping out of Toyz 4 Boyz! , the hottest toy store for male children, holding the plastic bracelet he bought for Rarity.He knew that the last part of his quest was to bring the bracelet to his love, but where was she? Could she be at her home, the boutique? Or could she be at Sugar Cube Corner? Maybe she was beating up that little punk Derrick again, who knows! The only way he could find out was to visit all these locations and see if Rarity was there!
So he went to the boutique, but she wasn't there.
So he went to Sugar Cube Corner, but she wasn't there.
So he went to Derrick's house, but he couldn't go inside because Derrick's house was being inspected by the police. Apparently Derrick's mom smuggled hay across the border, who knew.
Spike let out he deep sigh. "Why can't I find Rarity? I've been looking all over the place!" He thought, out loud. It's a good thing he was alone or else people would think he was a psycho.
Suddenly, a miracle happened. Spike spotted a little purple thing in the corner of his eye. It was Rarity, the one and only, swinging her hips from the left to the right as she waltzed over to the train station.
The train station?
THE TRAIN STATION!
Spike ran as fast as his little fat legs would let him. Why was Rarity going to the train station? Was Derrick at the train station? I hope he is. I totally wanna see Derrick getting his ass kicked again.
"RARITY! WAIT" Spike screamed from the top of his lungs. Rarity turned around in surprise. "Spike? What are you doing here?" She said. Spike's fat feet came to a screeching halt, but sadly he didn't stop in time as he smashed his face into a wall.
"Rarity, where are you going?" He said as he picked small parts of cement out of his skull. Rarity stared at him, then at the ground, like she had some kind of secret to keep from him. "What is it?" Spike asked. "What is it"? He asked again, because Rarity wasn't answering him. Prick.
"I...I..." She muttered. "I'm... going away." She said. "They need me in Manehattan, Spike. I've been hired to work on a play version of Daring Doo."
"B-but Rarity!" Spike said, shaking nervously. "What about your friends? What about the boutique? ...and why a play version of Daring Doo? Fictional characters adapted to theater never end well. You saw Spider-Mare, right?"
"Look, Spike. I won't be gone forever. I'll be back soon! ...in a year. And a half. But I'll be back!"
Spike stared at Rarity, and Rarity stared at Spike. They stared into each other's eyes for minutes. And minutes. And minutes and minutes and minutes and CHOO CHOO!
Rarity's train had finally arrived after her intense staring contest with Spike. "Look, I have to go. I'll be back soon, Spike. Promise."
Spike said nothing. He simply walking away in disappointment, dragging his fat little self across the platform. Rarity simply watched as Spike walked into the distance, until she realized that an entire train has been waiting for her to board for like, 25 minutes. She boarded the train, as it drove (trains drive, right?) into the distant horizon. Say goodbye to Rarity, folks.
Well gosh dang it, now we need another love interest for Spike. But who?
I think I have an idea...
Author's Note
After the overwhelmingly positive 7 likes, I've decided to continue this saga of adventure and suspense. Prepare to be amazed, true believers! Excelsior!
When Spike Met Gummy...
Spike was walking around Ponyville, staring at the ground while moping and doping about Rarity. "What will I do now? Without Rarity, I'm totally hopeless!" He thought to himself, clearly not realizing that he's a healthy young man with friends, family, a nice home with a comfortable bed, and a plastic bracelet that costs 4 bits. First world problems, am I right guys?
As he walked into the library, he noticed that Twilight had already gone to sleep. It's only like, 7 PM or something, but whatever. Spike walked over to a trash can, giving Rarity's plastic bracelet one final look before throwing it away. He then stared out the window into the beautiful sunset, because A. Spike's being emo about Rarity so now he just stares at stuff a lot, and B. the sun sets at 9 in Equestria apparently. He saw Pinkie Pie hopping back home in her normal "10 cups of coffee and 20 pounds of sugar" fashion. With her, she was carrying her pet alligator Gummy. But there was something different about Gummy, at least in Spike's eyes there was. He suddenly looked a lot more... pretty. A lot more... sexy . There was something very odd about him, something that strangely attracted Spike to him. He jumped right through the window, picking shards of glass out of his bleeding flesh as he ran over to Pinkie Pie.
"Hey there, Spike! Are you hurry or something? You're running faster than Usain Bolt!" (If anyone has a good pony pun for Usain Bolt, please contact me.) Pinkie Pie asked. "What? No, no! Don't be silly, Pinkie Pie! I'm not going anywhere. ...Are you going anywhere, Gummy?" Spike asked, totally not drooling over Gummy's amazing beauty. Gummy didn't answer, and I'm not going to explain to you why he didn't because you probably know why. I mean, you look like a smart guy. "Gummy's not going anywhere, Spike!", Pinkie answered. "At least, I hope so. Gummy's always so unpredictable!"
Spike wasn't listening to Pinkie's useless chatter, as he was too distracted by how attractive Gummy was. His beautiful eyes, his glowing scales, those legs, those legs ! Spike was amazed that he didn't just masturbate on the spot, but then again, that's against the law and Spike has a history. (TO BE EXPLORED IN A PREQUEL!! THANKS HOLLYWOOD!!1!)
"...so yeah, that's how my uncle lost his legs in the war. Hilarious, wasn't it, Spike? ...Spike? Are you even listening?" Pinkie gives Spike a tap on the head, and he instantly snaps out of his fantasy-induced coma. "Wha? Whuh?" He sputters. "You're acting kinda weird today, Spike. I like it! See you later!" Pinkie lifts Gummy onto her back and hops towards home. Spike is still dazed by his fantasies, and thus barely gets out any word of protest besides "gwaaunggnhh". Spike falls onto his butt, defeated and depressed that he didn't have the guts to confess his newly discovered love to Gummy.
I have existed from the morning of the world and I shall exist until the last star falls from the night. Although I have taken the form of an alligator, I am all creatures as I am no creature and therefore I am a God.
What was that? Spike looks around him, but there's nowhere to be seen. Who whispered into his ear? Was it... Gummy?
"Nah, that's dumb", said Spike out loud. "Let's go home, I'm hungry."
When Spike arrived at home, he found Twilight passed out after drinking 2 bottles of sangria. However, Twilight has always been a dangerous alcoholic, so this was nothing new for Spike. Spike stuffed his face with Lot's potato chips, and went upstairs for a good night's rest. As he snuggled into his comfortable basket, he couldn't help but think of Gummy. His figure, his personality, everything about him was perfect. "Tomorrow, I'll confess to him", Spike thought. "I know he loves me back. I just know it." And with that thought in mind, Spike drifted off to sleep...
Fate had determined that he should leave none of his race behind him, and that he should finish his life poor, lonely and childless.
God dammit, there it is again.
Midnight In the Garden of Spike and Gummy
Author's Note
In this one, they finally have sex! Never live it down, true believers! Excelsior!
Midnight In the Garden of Spike and Gummy
The raspy voice of an old man. The bitter taste of sugar-less coffee. The ashes of a cigarette. Spike looked around, analyzing the small cafe he was sitting in. About 3/4th of the ponies there were smoking, the leftover 1/4th performing folk songs on the stage. It was perfect for Spike's new mission; Becoming a pretentious douche-bag. He had read in Neon Lights' 20 Different Lifestyles For Getting Laid how both mares and colts love a smoking, drinking, unsuccessful folks musician. Of all the styles in the book, "folk" was the easiest one; sure, the cigarettes were disgusting and the scarf was a little tight around his neck, but at least it didn't involve getting a tattoo.
But it was all worth the trouble for Gummy, the sexiest alligator to have ever stepped into Spike's life. Spike had dated beautiful girls before (such as that dirty old pillow or Twilight, but that's a story for another day), but there was something so enticing about Gummy that blew all of them out of the water. From his soul-less eyes to that body , he was absolutely flawless. Like Lolita , except even more creepy in a way. What Spike especially loved about Gummy was how different he was from his other friends. Gummy would never abandon you, like Rarity did. Gummy wouldn't get pregnant, like Twilight did. Gummy is love, Gummy is life. But thinking about him isn't going to get me anywhere, Spike thought. He knew that his craving needed to be fulfilled. He had to go see Gummy again, so he could tell him how he feels.
"Spike!" The sound of Twilight's voice broke Spike out of his daydreaming. Spike looked around and noticed he was standing in the middle of Town Square at midnight. Odd. He turned around and saw Twilight, with her homeless stoner boyfriend Benny Starr standing next to her, holding her hospital bag. "Spike, I'm gonna go have this baby. Are you coming or what?" She said, as Benny lit up a cigarette and blew the smoke right in her face. Great guy. "Uhh... No, you guys go without me. Write me when it's born." Twilight nodded, just as their carriage arrived. Twilight and Benny got in, and as they drove off hospital-bound, Spike realized something: Twilight couldn't worry about him anymore. She's too busy having that baby who's father remains a mystery. (TO BE EXPLORED IN A PREQUEL!!!! THANKS HOLLYWOOD!!!!) So Spike could do something like, say, sneak into Gummy's room and make out with him. But he wouldn't do that.
TIMESKIP!
Spike swung his rear end through the window, into Gummy's room. This was the perfect time for Spike to break in; both Pinkie and the Cakes were too busy downstairs, as midnight was their busiest time of the day, as they're sharing the building with the night-only Sugar Coated Gentleman's Club. Gummy's room was fairly small and empty, aside from a couple of toys and Gummy's basket. Spike tip-toed over to the basket, and lifted up the blanket to see what's hiding under it. And indeed, it was exactly what Spike was looking for... Gummy.
"Oh, uhh, hi Gummy." Spike sputtered as Gummy stared into his soul. The mere thought of Gummy was enough to drive Spike insane, but there he was, right in front of him, flesh and blood, pure reality. A single drop of sweat crawled down Spike's forehead. He put his hand on Gummy's shoulder. What follows all seemed to happen in a second. His lips on his lips, his tongue swimming around his tongue, and then they were both on the floor. Spike stopped for a moment and looked at Gummy.
"I love folk music."
And then they had wild lizard sex. But I'm not gonna describe that. And I'm gonna assume you don't want me to, anyways. So let's just do what we always do...
TIMESKIP!
After what seemed like 2 hours of great lizard sex, Spike took a drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke into the air. It was much more satisfying now then it was at the 28th Annual Folk Music Festival. Spike turned to his new love Gummy, who looked even more beautiful now than he did before. It was at this moment Spike knew Gummy was the one for him. Great personality, great looks, great sex. Spike loved Gummy and, even though he didn't say anything, he knew Gummy loved him back. Spike heard the creaking of a wooden staircase and realized Pinkie was coming to check on Gummy. If she found out Spike had sex with Gummy, she would surely tell Twilight, and Spike would be in big trouble. As quick as he could, he put out the cigarette and jumped out of the window. Spike quickly realized that he was on the second floor and that it was a long fall down, but unfortunately he realized this when he had already hit the ground. And as he was lying there, listening to the thumping techno music coming from the Sugar Coated Gentlemen's Club, he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. Or maybe he was unconscious, I dunno. He's not dead, though. Could you imagine if I actually ended the story after the first time they had sex? That would be crazy. Nah, don't you worry true believers, Reptilian Love will be back with a halfway plot switch! SAME BAT-TIME, SAME BAT-CHANNEL!
