Chapters A siren blared, echoing through the metal halls and punctuated by red, flashing lights, as all manner of personnel, from engineers to pilots, rushed to their work stations. This was not a drill, and the tension that seemingly hung in the air was testament to that. Nicolas Cage pushed through the crowded hallways, the emotionless visage upon his face hiding his own nervousness as he made his way through a bulkhead and into a special chamber. There stood Keanu Reeves, his co-pilot and the chosen one, already half fit into his suit.
Keanu turned and briefly made eye contact with Nicolas, his sunglasses still resting on the bridge of his nose despite being indoors and wearing his helmet. "Hurry up," he said in a bored voice, "this one sounds really important."
Nicolas nodded, not needing to give any more of an answer as he stepped further into the room. Almost instantly he was beset by a group of workers who began fastening pieces of his own suit onto him. The smooth metal and plastic segments fit together perfectly, both covering his entire body in a thin layer of armor and concealing all manner of wires and electronics. The last thing to go on was his helmet, a metal piece with a domed glass visor.
Within a little over a minute he was fully suited up, and he joined Keanu as they exited the room, jogging through more metal hallways towards their next destination.
“Any idea what we’re up against here?” asked Nicolas, hoping to glean some information.
“No more than you, I’m afraid,” responded Keanu. “It looks like another one has come through the portal, though I don’t know much other than that. I’m sure the general will enlighten us on the situation soon enough.”
That was the end of the conversation, as the hallway lead them out into a massive, concrete hangar, easily large enough to fit a small town inside. The whole room was packed with hundreds of people, be them engineers carrying welding torches and all manner of other tools, maintenance workers, armed security personnel, or pilots like themselves. The majority of the crowd parted for Nicolas and Keanu as they made their way across the shatterdome floor. They were celebrities, after all.
It wasn't long at all until they were at their destination, and, looking up, they were able to take a glimpse of their Jaegar in all its glory. The two-hundred-fifty-foot humanoid machine aptly named 'Nazi Promqueen ' stood upright against the far wall. Thick, metal plates ran all along its body making it look like a giant knight standing vigilant, and it was painted with a fresh coat of crisp, cobalt paint. Workers ran along rafters next to the huge machine, making last minute checks on all its systems and ensuring that everything was in order. Nicolas and Keanu ignored them as they stepped onto a lift, taking them up to a bridge where they entered into the Jaegar's head. There they were able to strap themselves into the machine using metal harnesses that hung from the ceiling of the pilot chamber before flipping a few switches on a control panel. A low rumbling shook the chamber, accented by a humming sound as the reactor began warming up and all the machinery came online.
With all that done and out of the way, Nicolas turned and met eyes with Keanu. "You ready for this?" he asked, prepping himself for what comes next.
Keanu's mouth folded up slightly into the closest rendition of a smile he could manage as he answered, "My life is a spiraling void of depression. Perhaps I should be asking you if you're ready."
Nicolas couldn't help but smile sadly at his friend's depressing attitude. Keanu had truly lived a sad life, one that Nicolas had seen first hand, thanks to the drift. The first time the two of them had successfully drifted, Nicolas had cried for hours as Keanu's memories played through his head over and over again. By now he'd more or less gotten over it, but the memories still left a bitter taste in his mouth every time he thought about them. There was no time for dwelling on that now, though, and he certainly couldn't back down, as a robotic voice came through the speakers.
"Pilot-to-pilot connection, ready." It said in a voice that sounded strangely similar to a certain AI in a certain puzzle game about portals.
Seeing no reason to delay the inevitable, Nicolas reached out and pressed in a red button on the nearby console. Almost instantly he lost control of his arms and they flopped to his side as the machine began synching his and Keanu's minds within its computers. They spasmd momentarily as a flood of familiar memories and experiences entered their heads, before finally falling still as the process completed successfully. Now their minds were one with that of the Jaegar, allowing them to effectively control the massive machine without putting too much stress on either one of their tiny, human brains. Nicolas controlled the left, and Keanu controlled the right, since that makes perfect sense.
They hardly had time to wonder what to do next before Admiral Morgan Freeman, former General of the United Nations and the head of the Jaegar division, opened a Skype video call with them. Through the webcam Nicolas could see not only Admiral Freeman himself, but also two of the other Jaegar pilots milling around behind him, Christopher Walken and Elijah Wood, co-pilots of the mech 'Willy Wanker '.
"What are those weirdos doing here?" wondered Nicolas in a hushed voice. Unfortunately for him, it still went through the speakers as Skype chat picks up fucking everything.
"I'm just going to ignore that statement," stated Morgan in a voice as smooth as nutella. "We have bigger things to deal with right now. And by 'bigger things', I of course mean ponies." Ponies are the most important things in the world, after all. He cleared his succulent throat before continuing in his heavenly voice. "Approximately twenty minutes ago the rift in the pacific ocean opened up. No less than five minutes later, we detected movement, and a category three pony exited the portal. We code-named this pony 'Retarded Tree Kicker' because of the muscular structure of its toned thighs and flanks and the thickness of its skull in relation to other ponies of its size."
"By its current coarse, we can assume it's heading towards Seattle, and will be there within approximately three hours. It's your job to intercept this monster and slaughter it in God's holy name, protecting the city at all costs. What's more, you'll be alone on this one. Handsome Manifesto and Muscular Overture are stationed at the shatterdome in Tokyo, and Willy Wanker is undergoing repairs. Just don't try anything fancy."
"Yes sir," responded Nicolas enthusiastically, pushing the order to not try anything fancy to the back of his mind. He's Nicolas Cage. He does what he wants. "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get this thing moving!"
An hour and a half trip via a team of helicopters later and their Jaegar was sitting pretty, waist deep in the ocean off the coast of Washington. The sky was still dark, being no later than five in the morning, and, as is the norm in Seattle, it was raining. A set of huge flood lights shone from atop the Jaegar's head and shoulders and it swiveled its head around, attempting to see anything in the dark, torrential waters.
The cockpit had remained silent for a long time as both pilots seamed content to simply wait in silence, mulling over their thoughts. Eventually, though, Nicolas decided to start up a conversation. "You know, the ponies have been coming through that portal more and more frequently. Do you think we can really keep this up?"
This was common knowledge around the shatterdome, especially for important personnel such as themselves, so of course Keanu was aware of this. Keanu was also aware that this wasn't all that was on his friend's mind. He didn't need a mind link to know that his co-pilot had a worried look on his face. Unlike Keanu, Nicolas emoted more than any human has any right to, making him very easy to read.
"Relax," ordered Keanu in an emotionless voice. "We'll deal with things as they come. It's worked for us so far. Let's just focus on dealing with this pony for now. My therapist keeps telling me to look on the bright side, so at least its not a category 4."
Say what you will about Keanu, at least the guy's smart. And he knows kung-fu. Category 4 ponies are the largest and most vicious of their ilk seen to this date. Compared to them, category 3 ponies are choir boys. You hear me? CHOIR BOYS! Nicolas couldn't help but smile at his friend's words. "That therapist you have must be working miracles for you to be talking like that."
"He'd better. That guy probably makes more a year than I do," he grumbled.
Their short conversation was abruptly ended as the admiral's orgasmic voice came through their speakers. "Look alive. According to the heat signatures we're tracking, it's just a few miles west of your current location, and closing fast. Keep a close eye out."
"Got it, sir," acknowledged Nicolas as he began flipping switches, preparing their machine for battle. He turned to Keanu, looking him right in the sunglasses. "You ready for this?"
"Of course I am. They don't call me 'the Chosen One' for nothing."
And so they got into a combat-ready position, trying to be as prepared as one could possibly be waiting for a gargantuan monstrosity to appear at any moment. The Jaegar's head swiveled back and forth on its axis, watching the sea for their enemy.
They didn't have to wait more than a minute before, less than a mile away, the ocean split open, spitting water and foam into the sky as a gargantuan creature emerged from the murky depths. The colossal pony stood on its back two legs, whinnying with the voice of a thousand blood-thirsty horses in an angry display. Its orange coat and blonde mane contrasted with the dark blue of the ocean and early-morning sky as they dripped with gallons and gallons of sea water. Atop its head sat a huge, brown cowboy hat, and its green eyes were twisted into an angry scowl that searched across the horizon before falling upon their enemy. It fell back to all fours with a splash, still partially submerged as it began lumbering forward, its gaze set on the robot standing between it and total destruction.
Even from their distance, it was easy to see the pony, while not as large as its category 4 cousins, still had quite a size advantage on the Jaegar, and it was immediately obvious by the size of its muscles that this pony could do some serious damage if they weren't careful. Nicolas Cage couldn't help but shudder as, not for the first time, he regretted leaving acting behind to become a pilot.
Twilight Sparkle, the purplest pony to ever grace this gay planet, grumbled to herself as she went over the note once again. It was written in elegant cursive with hardly any typos, and the point couldn't have been more clear, but still she read and reread it many a time. Finally, after an amount of time, she let the glow of her horn fade and the letter dropped back onto her mahogany desk.
Spike, her dragon assistant, who was watching from the corner with equal parts worry and curiosity cleared his throat, finally drawing Twilight's attention away from the letter. "Well, what did it say?" He asked.
Twilight let out an over exaggerated sigh, as she often does, before answering. "Celestia has a special assignment for Applejack. I have no idea why, or what it's about, or why I'm not involved, but she wants me to deliver word to Applejack myself."
Spike scratched his head in confusion. "What would the princess want with Applejack?"
"That's exactly what I was wondering!" Twilight yelled out in frustration. "It doesn't make any sense. I'm supposed to be her student, but now she's using me as a simple messenger for my friends without even telling me what it's about. What could she possibly want with Applejack? Is this another test?"
Spike moved over and grabbed onto Twilight's leg before she could full devolve into one of her anxiety attacks. "TWILIGHT! I thought your therapist told you not to jump to conclusions like that." Twilight's ears lowered in shame as she realized that he was right. She had originally thought the idea of getting a therapist was wasteful in both time and money, but he gave a lot of good advice. Without him she wouldn't have realized that her lack of a real childhood, along with some unsavory childhood memories, had seriously damaged her mind. But that's not relevant in the slightest.
"You're right, Spike," she admitted, hanging her head. "I shouldn't just assume the worst. I'll deliver the letter to Applejack, and I'm sure everything will turn out all right." Without another word she stuffed her rolled-up letter into her tail-compartment and trotted out the door, leaving Spike to take care of the library in her absence.
It was a relatively short trot to Applejack's home as Ponyville was rather small, and before she knew it she was at her friend's doorstep. It seemed she was in luck, as the sounds coming from the open window indicated that the whole Apple family was present. Twilight figured it was probably lunch time. Without another thought she lifted her tentacle-like foreleg and rapped it against the door several times, the hardened tip making a clopping noise on contact.
It was easily heard by the family inside, and before long the door swung open revealing none other than Big Mac. The large, red pony stared at Twilight with his dead eyes and Twilight wondered if any thoughts even went on behind them. Twilight smiled, feeling a bit awkward faced with Applejack's retarded brother as he continued to stare through her. Finally, after a few moments she cleared her throat. "Uh, is Applejack here?" she asked lamely.
With all the grace of a rusted automaton, Big Mac nodded and walked away, further into the house. A moment later Applejack appeared and smiled at her smart, unicorn friend. "Well howdy, Twilight. Wasn't expectin' you ta' drop by," she blathered in her disgusting dialect, the image of raw sewage being pressed into her ear-holes flashing in Twilight's mind as the best representation of what it's like to listen to her friend speak.
Twilight had to take a moment to swallow down the bile that was snaking its way up her esophagus before replying. "Hello, Applejack." Her voice was sweet, and she wore a friendly smile, betraying the disgust she felt at having to stand in such close proximity to a filthy dirt pony. Especially one as unwashed and uneducated as Applejack. Unfortunately, before she could state her reason for coming and be on her way, Applejack decided to flap her yap once again.
"The family and I were jus' havin' lunch. A hard days work on tha' farm sure builds an appetite. How 'bout ya' come in and join us."
Her offer, though friendly and generally appealing if you like stewing in cess, wasn't something Twilight would even consider. Not even Applebloom's Earth pony mind control could get her to stay and take part in another Apple family meal. Not after last time... She still had nightmares about all the innocent little apples that were forced down her throat.
She decided it would be best to get straight to the point so she could go back to doing other, more important and interesting, things. "I already ate, but I'm here for something very important."
"Well, we can discuss it over lu-" Applejack tried to suggest before having her mouth shut by a purple magical aura.
"I have a letter to you from Celestia. It sounds very important, and I'm sure the two of you will have loads of fun together without me!" She pulled the letter from her tail compartment and tossed it into Applejack's face before running off, fresh tears threatening to spill forth from her oversized tear ducts.
"Well gee, I wonder what that was about," wondered Applejack aloud as she picked up the scroll and walking back into the living room with it. Sitting down on an oversized pillow like the dog that she is, she pawed the scroll open with her adorable little legs. Thankfully, below the elegant cursive of the letter was a very simple and clearly-written summary that was readable by the partially-literate farm pony.
She had to read through it several times before the implications finally sunk in. "The princess wants me ta' go ta' Canterlope..." She got up off her belly and jumped into the air in joy. "I'm goin' ta' Canterlope!" She exclaimed. "A member a' the Apple family will finally do somethin' important! Boy howdy, this is gonna be great!"
--
"This is gonna be great," stated Celestia as she rubbed her forelegs together and cackled madly. She continued to giggle to herself for a few moments before her sister, Luna cut in.
"You're at it again?" She asked in a bored tone. There wasn't much for princess Luna to do in the castle as she was a pony princess in a peaceful magical land with no real problems, so she mostly just hung out in the palace with her sister all day, watching as she abused her supreme magical powers for petty entertainment. After living in this boring place for so long, Luna couldn't blame her for wanting to do something fun, but most recently her escapades have gotten a bit questionable.
While randomly opening portals into other dimensions, she'd found one that was actually inhabited by tiny, intelligent creatures. Through a strange series of events, she ended up sending a pony through the portal. The resulting mayhem as the little creatures tried to fight the pony was so entertaining, Celestia had started sending ponies in more and more often, even going so far as to manipulate their minds to make it more fun to watch. Even Luna had to admit, it was quite entertaining, especially since the tiny things had gotten pretty good at battling ponies.
"Of course," replied Celestia excitedly, "and today I have the perfect pony for the job,"
"Don't tell me it's another orphan you adopted," complained Luna. The creatures had made short work of the last orphan they'd sent with their weapons. It wasn't even fun to watch. Nor was it fun the half-dozen other times Celestia tried the same thing.
"Even better~," the white one sung. The unamused expression on Luna's face made it clear that she wasn't going to sit here all day guessing, so Celestia decided to spill the metaphorical beans.
"You know my student Twilight, and how I sent her to Ponyville to make friends?" Luna nodded, prompting Celestia to continue. "Well, I invited one of her stupid friends here. The orange Earth pony one."
"Oh, the one with the mental disorder?" It wasn't a very good question as all of Twilight's friends have at least one mental disorder, but Celestia went with it anyway.
"Yep, that one. I sent her a letter to come to Canterlot for something special. She should be arriving soon, and then we can have some fun."
Despite the boring start to the day, Luna couldn't help but smile, looking forward to what was soon to come. Even more so since it was one of Twilight's stupid friends. She hated that purple bitch...
The gargantuan pony charged, plowing its way through the water with ease as it closed in on the bipedal robot that stood in its path. As it neared it let loose a whinny that chilled Nicolas to his very bones. He felt nothing but terror as the beast drew near, and the only thing keeping him from attempting to flee was his connected to Keanu. His calm and unwavering resolve, gained from countless kung-fu fights, was like an oasis in Nicolas' otherwise-torrential feelings, and kept him rooted to the spot.
They did nothing but stare down the oncoming pony as it rapidly closed in on them, waiting for the opportune moment. Then, but a few seconds before it collided with them, they made their move. Servos roared into action and the Jaegar's right arm went from zero to sixty like a rocket cheetah. Retarded Tree Kicker could only stare like a deer in headlights at the oncoming attack, having built up too much momentum to stop. The huge, metal fist made contact, colliding directly with her cheek. Had they been recording with a high-speed camera, they would have caught a brilliant picture of Tree Kicker's face distorting and spittle flying from her lips as the fist worked its way from cheek to shining cheek. The punch was enough to knock her off her hooves, and with all her momentum, she crashed headlong into the ocean to Nazi Promqueen ’s right, making a wave that would put even Hurricane Katrina to shame.
Taking a few steps back, and getting into a combat-ready stance once again, they waited for the pony to resurface, watching the torrent of bubbles coming up next to her floating, dislodged hat to see where she was. It was only a few second until she pushed her way out of the relatively-shallow water, standing at her full height. Despite being on all fours, she was still nearly as tall as the Jaegar. What’s more, now she looked pissed. Even more so than before. Her muzzle was twisted into an angry scowl, and her eyes seemed to channel the very essence of hatred as they locked onto Nazi Promqueen ’s visor.
With a growl and a quick buck of her back legs she was lunging at them. Nicolas and Keanu were ready, though. They stood their ground, prepared to once again deter her with one well-placed blow. Unfortunately, the charge wasn’t carried out as they expected. Once she was no more than a step and a half away from them, she turned on her front legs, her body swiveling around until her rear faced them. They instantly knew what was coming next as bucking was one of the most common pony fighting techniques.
They dodged back as quickly as they could, watching as her meaty and tender flanks resonated with raw power, the muscles working in tandem to propel her hardened leg-tips at them with such speed. Wow. Despite taking a step back, one of the legs still made contact at the edge of its trajectory, shearing a swath of metal from the Jaegar’s chest plate with ease. Had they been any slower the damage from that kick would have no doubt been lethal.
Retarded Tree Kicker looked back as she let her back legs fall into the water, seeing her opponent relatively-unharmed by her poorly-aimed strike. She snarled, a rage only a retard could ever fathom tainting her vision with red as she prepared to attack again. She turned and lunged at the Jaegar, spinning around to deliver another, hopefully-more-effective, buck into her enemy’s center of mass.
It didn’t go quite as she expected as the mech, seeing the attack coming this time, easily ducked under her legs. Now they had her right where they wanted her. The Jaegar’s left arm reached up and grabbed onto Retarded Tree Kicker’s legs, curling around them and holding them close to its shoulder, ensuring that she couldn’t dodge away while it hooked its right arm upwards into the pony’s exposed belly.
Despite the layer of muscle covering her abdomen, Retarded Tree Kicker let out a surprised whinny as she was struck. She tried to wiggle out of the robot’s grip, but it was no use as punch after punch was delivered into her soft, rub-able, adorable tummy. Her pained whinnying was cut short as she felt bile rising in the back of her throat and within a moment her brunch, composed primarily out of apples and apple products, ejected from her throat into the sea.
Nicolas could only gag at the disgusting sight, leaving him surprised when the pony suddenly collapsed forward, no longer supporting herself with her front legs. The Jaegar’s great strength quickly waned as the pony’s substantial weight pushed down on them, and their legs buckled. They collapsed to their knees, dropping Retarded Tree Kicker into the water where she once again landed with a resounding splash.
This time, she was much quicker to bolt out of the water, her rage and pain spurring her on. She felt only the desire to murder the Jaegar that stood in her way, and purge this world of its disgusting little inhabitants. A desire implanted by Celestia herself. She shot from the water and impacted the momentarily-immobilized mech with her front hooves. Nicolas let out a shocked cry as his whole world was flipped on its side. The mech flew a short distance before landing on its back in the water, its armor managing to take most of the impact with only a few giant-hoof-sized dents to show for it.
Without wasting a second, they pushed back up onto their knees, easily spotting the huge orange pony as she was already barreling down on them. Nicolas Cage barely managed to raise the left arm of the Jaegar, blocking a powerful blow that came from her right foreleg. They reeled slightly from the force of the hit, but managed to remain upright as Applejack swung at them again, this time with her other foreleg. Keanu had raised his arm in an instant, grabbing onto her leg just above the hoof and redirecting the blow away from them.
This left her right side exposed, and Nicolas Cage was quick to follow through with an upper cut so wicked, Jesus had to die for our sins twice as hard because of it. The gargantuan metal fist came in like a wrecking ball, impacting her bottom jaw. The sound of bones shattering echoed for miles around and her face was forced upwards. It quickly sprung down as she once again glared at them with her maw hanging open. Not even a broken jaw could stop her.
Unfortunately, she would have to deal with more than a broken jaw as Keanu followed through with the crazy combo attack, taking advantage of her shock. He dropped hold of her right leg as his arm rocketed forward, literally propelled by rockets, and ‘boop’ed her on the nose with the force of an An-225 crashing into her face.
Her snout caved in, fountains of blood spewing from her nostrils like the pervert in any generic anime. She let loose a pained gurgle from her desecrated face as she slumped forward into the drink. Trying to capitalize on their opponent’s pain, they leaned forward, ready to grab onto her mane and deliver a whole new world of punches upon her, when, to their surprise, her tail whipped around. It thwapped them right in the visor, creating a spider web of cracks across their reinforced visor and knocking their head back. With all the speed of a cobra, it smacked them again a moment later sending them reeling. They took a few steps back before managing to stabilize.
Taking a defensive stance once again they watched as the pony stood back up. Its face was smashed in like a horrible rubber ducky, and blood poured from its partially-detached bottom jaw. Still, it wasn’t out of the fight yet. Not even close. Its tail, showing surprising dexterity, reached over and grabbed its hat from where it floated, tossing it atop its head before grabbing the rope that was coiled up inside.
“Why the fuck does it have a rope?” Questioned Nicolas. “And for that matter, why does it have a hat?”
“Why does the tide go in and out?” Answered Keanu with a question of his own. At the confused look from his partner, he decided to go on. “Some things just can’t be explained.”
Their conversation was abruptly ended as the rope wound its way around their arm, fastening around their wrist. Somehow, while they were distracted, the pony had managed to make a knot with the rope, swing it with her tail, and grab onto their arm. She pulled her tail back, nearly pulling them over forward in the process before they managed to catch themselves.
“Well, that’s certainly going to make things a bit more difficult. What beats ropes?” Wondered Nicolas. It was at that point when true enlightenment came to him, and he looked down on the nearby console. His eyes lit up as he spotted exactly what they needed in this situation. “Oh yeah, we have arm blades!”
He reached out and pushed the button, and a long, thin blade erected from both of the Jaegar’s wrists. The blades shone crimson, glistening with fresh oil before a trail of electricity ran from base to tip, igniting them and making them look easily eight times cooler. A simply swipe was all it took to sever the rope, and Nazi Promqueen once again took a fighting stance as it squared off against Retarded Tree Kicker, its electrical-fire-blades held before it.
Even with her retard brain, Applejack felt fear at the impressive weapons, and briefly considered just running away. Unfortunately that wasn’t in the cards, not for her.
Not waiting for the pony to take the initiative this time, Nicolas and Keanu jumped forward with an impressive battle cry, ready to eviscerate this pony in Satan’s glorious name. Applejack responded the only way she could. She swung her tail out like a grotesque, mammalian scorpion, trying to bat them away. They raised their arms, easily blocking the blow and conflagrating her tail at the same time. Her eyes widened as her glorious tail went up in flames like a pile of dry straw.
She shook it around in panic as it burned with all the force of a disco inferno, thick clouds of back smoke and the stench of burning hair filling the air. After a few seconds of panic, she finally got her feeble wits together and plunged her tail into the water, drowning out the flames. Unfortunately, a burning tail was the least of her concerns at the moment, and while she was distracted, Nazi Promqueen had moved around to her left. Her ears swiveled as she caught the unmistakable sound of heavy servos kicking into gear and she turned her head at the last second.
She could only widen her eyes as the blade came down on her neck, cutting a deep swath through its muscular side and eventually coming to a rest halfway through her wind pipe. She gagged, a fresh flow of blood spilling from between her buck teeth.
After a moment, the Jaegar tried to pull its arm back, only to find that it was stuck in the cauterized flesh. A few more attempts caused the blade to come free, and they once again swung downward, this time slicing all the way through to the bottom. Applejack continued to gag, somehow still alive despite having her head almost completely cleaved from her torso, showing how durable she was. That is until they swung for the third and final time, rending the small hunk of meat that still remained in tact. Applejack’s head fell free of her body, dropping into the water as her corpse went completely limp.
Nicolas, being the crazy son of a bitch that he is, fished her head from its murky grave and set it atop their own Jaegar head like a macabre hat, basking in his victory and reveling in the sight of blood trickling down their visor.
“Do you think the general will let us wear her skin like a suit?” He asked Keanu.
Keanu didn’t show his enthusiasm, but he really hoped so. That’d be totally rad.
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