Coolest Cat in the Citadel

Hello there, I'm not quite sure how you got in my head, but for now I won't question it. After years of being blown up, only to respawn time and time again, you learn that logic is worthless. I'll just assume BioWare sent you.

Anyway, if you're living under a rock, you might not know me, I'm Bob Shephard, resident superhero, but you can call me Citadel Man. I'm pretty much the greatest marine of all time; I'm even cooler than Halo Man, but he'd never admit it. I've died lots of times too, so I'm also a ghost or a zombie, that's why I fight The Reapers; they're trying to drag us into the afterlife.

None of that is important though, I don't even really fight the Reapers anyway, I'm too busy having sex with my blue girlfriend. Seriously, her name's Cheetara or something stupid like that, but she is smoking hot.

Anyway, I think I'm getting sidetracked, but I'm trying to beat this guy up. I'm surrounded by blue strippers, which is pretty cool. Maybe I'll have sex with one after I kill this guy. Speaking of blue whores, all of these chicks look the same. Is that racist? Maybe I'll ask this guy I'm punching.

"Hey dude," he spits up blood on my suit. This better come off or else I'm going to kill the shit out of him," is it racist that all of these blue chicks look the same?"

He looks around a bit, clearly caught off guard. I'm supposed to be learning how to save the world, but this is way more important.

"Umm...yeah."

Well shit, I guess I'm a racist now. Oh well, now that I've got the information I needed, so I'll just let this guy go. I've gotta get back to the Normandy anyway, even if it's the stupidest ship ever. Naturally I activate my legs and swagger out of the strip club in a way that only a super zombie can; that is with little balance, and rotting limbs.

There's this extremely weird looking hallway with a bottomless pit in the middle, which is really dangerous. Seriously, come on, why would you put that there; someone could get hurt. Of course the only logical thing to do is go to the janitor's closet and cover it up with some ply wood; so naturally I do exactly that.
After all of that hard wood(lol) I think it's time for me to get in the high speed transit. Basically they're these little robot ducks that teleport you places. Honestly I don't know what they do, a loading screen always seems to get in my way whenever I want to use one. Man, it's a good thing I covered that hole, I probably saved like a million lives.

I'm really easily distracted, I think I might have A.D.D. or something. I've been thinking about this transit for five minutes, and I'm getting some weird loo- hey a Keeper. Being the cool cat that I am, I walk up to it to get a closer look. They're these weird green little insect men, and they're also most likely robots. Everyone says not to touch them, but I don't see why not. Naturally, touching things is too mainstream for me, so I make a fist and punch it in the eye.

Almost instantly it starts spasming and rolling around on the floor. Some alarms sound, and a herd of wild policemen show up. No problem, I'll just play it cool.

"Ah, Commander Shepard," says the cop, everyone knows my name, I'm super famous," what happened here? Did you see?"

Normally I'd lie for no other reason than to laugh and watch someone get arrested. People always listen to me, I'm so great.

Today is different though, after covering that hole and saving potentially millions of lives, I'm on a streak of morality. This, of course, means that I'm going to tell him the truth.

"Why of course I saw it you worthless dreg," I say as I pat him on the head, " I punched that ugly bug-bot in the face."

"C̶͕̺̣͙̭̱͚̿͒ͧ̚͞ḁ̜̲̠̦̱̃̊ͧͯr̵̻̩̮͙̰̳̓͑̎e̡̱̯͐͗ͥ́̕ͅ ͗ͮ҉͢͢ͅtͮ̍̑ͤ͊̑̅҉̷͏̺͙o̶̗̬̹̹͖ͬͥͬͫ̃̍̀̚ ̺̗͇̬̖̯͑ͮs̴̡̺͖̝̺͎̙͉̅ͬ̽̏ͣͤ͂̕h̷̛͖̳̩͉͔̞̋̍ͯ̑̈ͪ͗͆ă̸̛͇̙̣̥̻͖̟̗ͣ̃͂ͦͯ̊̈̕r̵̭͚͔̬̭͐̆́̂͜͞ͅͅẽ̸̛͈͕͓͋ͤ́ ̡̧̝͕͇̤̝̪̿̍͋̾͞w̢̙̬͈͔ͨͭ̕h̴̶̘͔̳̮̺͇ͧ̈́̇̐̚ͅy̡͙̲̗͓̜̭̙͆̓̂ͬͮͨ̀ͅ?̧͈̮̖̲̖͕̌̊ͩ̍̔̿"

"Well, I was kind of bored, and I wanted to see what would happen." Oh yeah, I'm more honest than Abraham Lincoln. Unfortunately, it was then that I noticed how evil the voice of the policeman had gotten, he must've been a former member of the LAPD.

My fears were confirmed once the officers pulled out their nightsticks and charged me like I was Rodney King. Unfortunately for them though, I'm not even black, so their assault was ineffective.

"It's no use!" I exclaimed as I pulled back my fist," Taaake this!" I let my pimp hand fly as it, aided by the will of God(BioWare), sent all three policemen flying over the railing and to their untimely deaths.

"Oh my god! That man just killed three police officers!" Screamed an old lady.

"Well," I replied as I put on my sunglasses,"they shouldn't have tried to cop a feel."

Then I crossed my arms like a champion and ran over to the transport thing. Using my incredible fingers, I pressed an assortment of buttons and activated a loading screen.

Once the loading screen was finished I was at the Normandy, strutting towards it with all the swag in the world. As always, Seth Green was there to let me in. He spouted some whiny words and opened the door for me, and I stepped inside.

This ship always looks bigger on the inside, but that's probably because it's magical; after all, Normandy is Japanese for magic. In fact, my weapons are magical too, I mean come one, how else would they for plasma at the speed of sound?

Whatever, it's not like I really even care all that much, I wouldn't have even bothered coming here if it weren't for the fact that I'm Seth Green's biggest fan. I should go say hi to him, he's always very happy to see me. As always, the best way to reach any destination is to run around screaming angrily at people.

I'm actually very bad at sprinting, it's really the only thing I'm not amazing at. Well, that and the purple magic beams. I can't get them to work despite having chosen the class. I really only chose it cuz' purple is a cool color, but now I'm kinda disappointed. Hey, maybe I'll ask sarge on my way to Seth Green!

Suddenly, the entire ship lurches forward. Unfortunately for me, I happen to be running at twenty miles per hour, and a sudde lurch does some incredible things; namely launching me across the bridge. Of course, the ship is taking off, I really should have seen that coming, now I'm sliding around on my back all over the ship.

The ship is finally out of the atmosphere, so me, along with everyone else not wearing a seatbelt, get up. My glasses are broken. No...I fall to my knees and cry for an hour and a half. Then, after properly displaying my grievances, I open my chest compartment and pull out another pair.

Now that I'm properly accessorized, I can talk to the ship leader guy. I can't really remember his name, but who cares? Not you.

"Hey...pal, I have a question to ask you."

The guy salutes me(it comes with being a super sexy commander) and makes a motion with his hand, indicating that I should proceed with asking my question.

"Sargefag, how can I use my magic and glow purple?"

The sarge just starts flipping around all over the place, fist-pumping and doing the pop n' lock at the same time. At this point I'm strongly considering killing him, but wait! Yes, now I remember, the sarge is a mute who communicates through interpretive dance. Apparently I just have to concentrate really hard. Well shit, I have A.D.D. so I guess I'm fucked.

Well, I'll never glow purple, but at least I have my-wait a minute. Hold on a second, I have somewhere to be.

Alright I'm back, I had to go get purple. If I can't glow purple then by god I can at least pretend. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I was on my way to tell Seth Green to take off. Now that I think about it, I can just use the intercom. I'm pretty forgetful sometimes.

"Hey Seth Green," I said after pressing the intercom button," what's up mah nigga?"

"For the love of god Shepard, my name isn't Seth Green." Seth Green replies.

"Oh okay then," jokes on him, he's not a very good actor, so I know it's really him," well 'not Seth Green' what time are we supposed to land?"

"We'll be at Planet Moose in a few days, please try not to break anything before we get there."

"Right-o," I say as I kick a vase,"see ya later Seth Green."

"Hey Shepard."

I turn around, gun poised, towards this new voice. In my line of work, you're either cautious or you're dead, which is why I have nerves of steel, and cat-like reflexes.

Oh, it's just Ashley. She's another girl I had sex with. I could've had more sex with her, but I had blue jungle fever.

"Ashley, never sneak up on a tiger," I say as I withdraw my weapon.

"Whatever," she sighs like a bitch(this is why I broke up with her) and flips her hair,"Look, we're going to be passing another planet with a strong gravitational pull, and that's very dangerous for the ship, so would you mind filling me in as to why you want to go to the Moose Planet?"

"Well disgusting ex, I just really like moo-"

"Hold on a second."

"Don't interrupt me or I'll slash your titties."

She looks at me like I'm stupid, jokes on her though, she's the stupid one.

"Why are you covered in fuel?"

"Oh yeah, I wanted to glow purple, so I went to the ship's fuel tank and emptied it all over myself."

For some reason, the ship lurches, then halts, launching me into the ample busom of my ex-girlfriend. Any other day I'd motorboat her, but now is not the time.

We hear the click of the intercom, followed by Seth Green.

"Shepard! What the hell did you do?"

"I didn't do any-"

"He emptied the ship's fuel all over himself."

"What the fu-"

"Hold on Seth Green," I turned to Ashley,"bitch, did you just interrupt me?" I pull out my knife and hold it up to her tit.

"Shepard, that's not-" another lurch from the ship forces my knife into her booby.

"Oops, I accidentally stabbed Ashley's titties."

"What?"

"Sorry Seth, the ship lurched again."

"No it didn't."