Coolest Cat in the Citadel

Ugh, my head. I feel like I just did my favorite dance in the Citadel about four hundred times. If that makes no sense I'll just blame it on the concussion.

Oh man, look at all this wreckage, I must've danced way too hard. Maybe Ashley has my Tylenol.

"Ashley!" I call out to no avail.

I get up and stumble through the destroyed remains of the ship. My god, all of these people, strewn out across the floor of the ship. Oh hey, it's Ashley.

I walk up to her; the others had no chance, but her armor should've protected her. I turn her over, and start sobbing.

There's a huge gash on her chest, and a sharp piece of metal sticking out. I feel for a pulse...nothing. I'm bawling now.

Ashley is the only one who knows where the Tylenol is. My life is basically over now.

Wait a second; maybe we crashed on Moose Planet! That place is full of Tylenol! I rush through the ship, dodging various girders and hull fragments until I reach the exit. I kick the door open like a boss and walk out, only to fall to the ground. I feel heavy; they weren't kidding when they said this place had lots of delicious gravity. Why it's so thick you could cut it with that knife in Ashley's chest. I quickly pull out my conveniently placed arm pad and press a few buttons on my suit. Well, my stabilizers are broken, so I'll just have to get used to this and hope none of my vital organs fill up with fluids.

With all that out of the way, I slowly get up and survey my surroundings. Well...this is awkward: the Normandy seems to have crash-landed on a few houses, and I'm surrounded by...ponies. Eh, I don't see any blood under it, so they probably weren't home.

What the fuck? Are you serious? Fucking ponies?

Why couldn't it be Moose Planet? Fuck!

Well, they appear to have forgotten that staring is rude. Either that or these ponies are stupid and uncivilized.

"Listen guys," I say as clearly as possible,"I know I'm dead sexy with my football texture armor, but you are all disgusting brutes, and if you don't stop staring I'll have your families burned."

Rather than heed my impressive warning, the ponies murmur amongst themselves, saying stupid shit like: "it can talk" and "I wonder what his flesh tastes like." God these things are annoying. I pull out my incredible plasma gun and fire off a few shots into the air.

"Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This... is my boomstick!" They all recoil, clearly impressed by my reference,"I am Commander Shepard: Master of the Citadel, and you're all going to either get me some Tylenol, or help me fix my ship!"

The ship explodes behind me, launching me into the crowd of ponies. Well, I guess I'm not going to be leaving for awhile. That's a ether hefty loss; remind me to cry once I find a place to stay.

Almost immediately the ponies close in, arms outstretched. No doubt they intend to kill me. Well, they won't be peeing on MY butt if I have anything to say about it(FYI the only way to kill a zombie is to pee on its butt). I grab my plasma gun and point it at the nearest pony, a gray Pegasus with crossed eyes. I pull the trigger.

The gun clicks, indicating that it's out of succulent plasma pods. Well shit, I guess I'm going to die.

The ponies smother me, squeezing the life out of me.

"Aw, it's so cute," says another horse as she strangles me.

There's only one thing I can do now, I start throwing punches left and right, clobbering the adorable death machines as they try and choke me to death. Finally, I burst out of the crowd, towering over the small herd of equines.

"Hey, a human!" Screams a voice from behind. I turn to see a green unicorn, and a cream colored...normal horse...

Suddenly the cream one jumps me, viciously humping my leg.

"Hi there, I'm Bon-Bon; and I'm utterly obsessed with humans. So, tell me about yourself, do you really pee on girls' butts to impregnate them?" The look in her eyes tells me she's psychotic, so I'd probably better answer.

"Well yeah, we usually do it behind a middle school."

"That's incredibly fascinating, new best friend." She begins to hump faster.

A golden glow begins to emanate from her body as she lifts off of my leg, and floats towards the green unicorn.

"Sorry, mister," she says as she turns to me,"she's a little crazy about humans. Bonny, humans don't exist, I already told you that."

Something about this new unicorn really makes me want to pee on her butt behind a middle school. Maybe it's her delicious buns.

"It's not a problem miss, names Bob by the way; Bob Shepard."

She turns, her flanks swaying as she walks.

"I'm Lyra, seeya 'round Shepard."

Man, that pony is a fox.

"Halt!" Comes another voice from behind.

I turn to see an adorable new pony in just the cutest fucking armor I've ever seen.

"Aw, you're so cute," I say while making kissy faces.

"Uh...be that as it may, you need to come with me. You're under arrest for vehicular manslaughter."

I don't like being arrested, so I run up to the guard and punch him in the face.

"Lol nope."