Coolest Cat in the Citadel

Ugh, my head. It's killing me, not literally of course. I'm already dead, so I'd like to see this headache try and kill me.

Speaking of seeing, I should probably open my eyes. It's a little known fact, but eyes help you see. Using my nnngINCREDIBLE eyelids, I remove the curtains from my oculars and observe my surroundings. I should just be in purgatory, so there's no real hurry. I'll just show the grim reaper my video game character certificate, and he'll send me on my way. Being immortal has its benefits.

Well...this place I'm in appears to be made of onions. Yup, onions, as far as my eyes can see. Clearly the Grimm Reaper TM has been redecorating. Can't really say I care for the whole onion theme, but hey, I don't live here; besides, grimmy probably got sick of existential nothingness.

Speaking of the Grimm Reaper, where is that little shithead? He usually appears, stamps my card, and sends me on my way. Don't tell me this asshole is gonna make me find him in these eternal onions.

"Calling reaperfag!"I yell aloud,"Please come and get me out of this onion soaked hellhole!"

"And what's wrong with onions?" comes a deep voice from behind.

I turn to see a beautiful green ogre, easily three times my size, staring angrily at me. His massive fists are clutching a bunch of onions, and his voluptuous ogre-boobs sway with every angry pant. Wait, ogre-boobs? Oh...

"Tell me small man, be you Faarquad or Brogre?"

I disregard the green vixen's question. It's time to be smooth.

"So baby,"I say as I slick back my hair,"I've banged every color girl but green, wanna change that?"

The ogre babe stares at me.

"So you're a Faarquad then." the sexy babe says as she lifts a club, baring her razor-sharp ogre-teeth."I guess that means I'll be eating your skin then."

"Excuse me?" I say bewildered."I've already had my skin eaten once, I'm not gonna have it eaten again."

A donkey comes out from behind her, his fangs dripping with venom.

"That's too bad,"she replies.

What am I going to do now you ask? Simple, I'm going to run away like a little girl. What? She's three times my size, and she has a venomous attack-donkey, not to mention I have no weapons. Donkeys are the deadliest creatures in the universe.

As I run through the town, I can hear the thundering of the ogre behind me. Thank god ogres have spindly legs, or I'd be done for. What I'm really scared of is the donkey, its acidic drool is flying all over the place as it nips at me with its second mouth.

I hate donkeys, even when they're voiced by Eddie Murphy. It's a little known fact, but donkeys have no eyes, and they see with heat sensors. I'm smoking hot, so you know I'm in trouble.

I turn my head, only to see that the ogre and donkey have disappeared. I've lost them for now.

I lie down, catching my breath. I'm going to have to find a way out of here, there's no way I'll survive. Man I'm hungry, good thing this entire world is made of onions. I grab one and chomp down with my jaws, crushing the delicious plant with over a hundred pounds of pressure. My majestic mouth chews slowly, as I savor the flavor of this incredible food.

It's rotten.

I spit it out, holy shit that was THE most disgusting thing I've ever tasted. I mean what the fuck? Why would you make a house out of onions? That's disgusting, not to mention unstable.

Oh well, I'll eat once I get out of this horrible place.

Suddenly, the ground around me begins to rumble, and several onions around me dislodge from the house, as well as the road. I can hear a faint murmuring in the distance, as though thousands of children were having their throats stepped on from really far away.

Seemingly out of nowhere, a flood of ogres, each bearing a donkey, emerges from the houses, and alleyways, hell, a few of them even burst up from the ground.

All of the ogres are drooling, chanting "eat the Faarquad," as they close in a tight circle around me.

"Hold up guys," I say frantically," I'm no Faarquad, I'm a zombie."

The ogre babe steps forward and the chants stop, she opens her gorgeous mouth to speak.

"A zombie? Be that a fairy-tale creature."

I nod,"in a way."

She narrows her eyes at me," prove it then, beat us in the ogre games."

"What?"

"Defeat us in a rap battle."

Pfft, no problem, I was raised on the mean streets of Wadiya, these fools can't handle my swag.

"Sure sexy," I say, once again being smoother than satin.

A negrogre steps forward, and a background ogre starts beatboxing.

"Step back motherfuckers, bow to the onion king,
the Shrekster himself, who sent me here to sing,
about this little Faarquad bitch, who's giving me the itch
to give a bitch a stich

I'll slap you with an onion,
and make you eat my bunyon.
Your existence is a sin,
so get out of my life ho',
cuz' you're better out than in.

I'll dickslap your lips cause I'm renegade as heck,
You think you're hard bitch? You're nothing but drek.
That's why you're gonna get schooled by this soldier of Shrek.

I'm a stone cold gunner, who'll slaughter all the haters,
and yo' ass just got handed to you by MC Layers."

MC Layers drops his mic, adding insult to...insult. The ogres around him cheer, not knowing that I'm about to smother their jiblets with my testicular fortitude. I step up to the mic, as long as I swear a bunch it should be fine.

"I'm Commander Bob Shepard so y'all best simmer down,
and check out the best gosh darn rapper around.
I'm the proud owner of a mother freakin' fork,
and pardon my french but my opponent is a dork."

The ogres all gasp at my utterance of the forbidden word, but it had to be done.

"Your level is one to which I never hope to stoop,
cause that's the level that's filled with lots of poop.
You think you're so cool with your little swear words,
But I think you're a fool who's made out of turds."

I drop the mic and fart like a champion, these ogres can't handle my swag.

Suddenly they burst into tears, applauding my magnificence as they throw flowers and panties. One of the ogres places a crown on my head, verbally declaring me the winner.. I feel like a princess, a single tear falls from my eye.

"Let's kill him anyway."