So, remember how I'm a super soldier designed to crush the enemy at all costs? Apparently that doesn't include ogres because the fight I'm putting up is abysmal at best. Seriously though, if I had my weapons, this would be going way differently. They'd be lying on the ground in a broken heap, and I'd be humping them into submission. Why must I cry?

I throw yet another punch at the ogre nearest to me. As per the usual, my flying fists only bounce off of his thick ogre-hide. I quickly step back as his donkey snaps at me, its acidic drool flying all over the place. Welp, there's only one thing to do now.

I use my wrist mp3 player to play "I need a hero," by Bonnie Tyler and start running. The horde of ogres and donkeys follows close behind, shooting onion bullets at me. I run in a serpentine pattern to confuse them, cuz' I'm so chill that bitches call me ice. It makes sense.

Suddenly an onion flies over my head, landing in my direct path. I speed up as much as possible, the ogres follow. Soon I pass the onion, as it explodes behind me; utterly obliterating all of the assaulting ogres, who by now are directly on top of the onion of doom.

I gaze on in awe as the assorted viscera flies all over the place, being sure to hide behind an onion shack to shield myself from the acidic donkeys.

Once the dust(and body parts) settles I get out from behind the shack and start teabagging the pieces of ogre. Heh, I wasn't even scared during that whole time.

"Yeah bitch," I say as I kick an ogre-lung,"next time think before you try to eat the skin of Commander Bob Shepard."

"What be a Shepard? Be it a fairy-tale creature?" comes a new, Scottish voice from behind.

I slowly turn to see the mangled bits of ogre flesh reassembling themselves into a much larger ogre voiced by Michael Meyers. He turns to me, his onion breath nearly knocking me into unconsciousness.

I try to get up, but he uses his ogrekinesis to pin me to the floor, almost crushing me with his deadly Scottish accent.

"Who are you,?" I ask, voice laced with fear.

"I am Shrek, and I'm wondering why you felt the need to kill all of my loyal ogre-subjects."

"I didn't kill them, they were chasing me, and I used my awesome army man powers to dodge their grenade. I'm so swerve that bitches call me skid."

"That makes no sense," he replies,"and as Shrek, I am able to comprehend all things but that of the Faarquads." he puts an onion-gun in my face," ye be a Faarquad."

I gulp, I don't know what a Faarquad is, but these ogres really seem to hate them.

"I'm not a Faarquad!" I scream as loud as I can. Shrek pulls back his onion-gun and looks at me through squinted eyes.

"Prove it," he replies," find the sacred onion."

"Excuse me?"

"One of the onions in this village is sacred; if you can find it, I'll let ye be free."

"Okay...um," I look around at the literally billions of onions,"how the hell am I supposed to pick out the most important onion, there's billions!"

Shrek laughs.

"You're correct, one could not possibly pick out which of these many onions is the most important. This is because all onions are sacred to me. You have passed my test, fairy-tale creature."

Shrek waves his hands, and all of the dead ogres reappear. Upon seeing Shrek they all bow, some of them with tears of adoration in their eyes.

"I'm disappointed in you," Shrek says to his followers,"you attacked this poor fairy-tale creature without administering the test to see if he was truly a Faarquad."

One of the ogres, the one who first threatened to eat my wonderful skin, gets up.

"I'm sorry," she cries,"this is all my fault, I was so sure that he was of the Faarquad clan that I completely disregarded the test."

Shrek smiled down at his sobbing subject.

"It's okay my child, next time be more careful."

"Oh praise be to the benevolent ogrelord!"

The ogres all cheer, pulling earwax out of their cylindrical ears and throwing it at their beloved.

I for one am shocked, as well as disgusted, but this ogre is clearly very powerful. Maybe he can get me back to Equestria so I can slaughter those ponies.

"As for you," says Shrek as he turns to me,"I'm going to send you back to Equestria to kill those ponies, but be weary, you may only die once more until the grim reaper returns from his vacation in Sandals, Jamaica. If you die again, I'll eat your skin and send you to Hell."

With that admittedly somber note, he places his massive thumb on my forehead.

"Wingardium levio-SAHHHHHHH," he says, and suddenly I'm covered in green lightning.

The pain is excruciating, but my surroundings warp around me, and I can vaguely see the exploded remains of my ship through the green lightning.

All at once the pain stops and I'm back in...ponetown.

I look in my inventory to see that all of my weapons are fully loaded and ready to party. Hey, Shrek even gave me unlimited ammo.

I pull out my pistol and point it at a nearby security guard. I fire, capping his cracker ass with the one-two boop.

And so it begins.

Author's Note

The chapter titles are the least clever thing I've ever done.