Chapters The day everything happened was just another day. Same old, same old. Kinda like the day my family sent me to Ponyville to ‘be in a nice environment.’ It was the last week of school in Ponyville High and I was bored. I felt that the droning of Miss Cheerilee about some mathematical formula that I would never need was useless. My cousin Applebloom was hastily trying to get down every nuance of the lecture because of her love of gizmos. I was just doodling. I stared out the window and saw that giant statue honoring the Elements of Harmony for saving the town from Discord a few years ago. ‘Yeah ain’t that a hoot. Discord sounds like a pretty cool guy...’ Why? Because he had gotten it on. Getting it on, my motto, caused me to grin as the world shifted in and out of focus. Two years ago, yeah, that was when I started going a little bit crazy. Not full on crazy, mind you, but getting up in the loony bin. It was just a matter of time. And time went up right now. ‘Time to get it on.’
So yeah I had to listen to Miss Cheerilee ramble on about algebraic junk while holding my breakfast in because of nerves. I might talk big, but I am just a pony and nerves are what gets to me. The clock ticked as I looked over to the big mare in school- Diamond Tiara. Diamond Tiara, the most perfect and greatest pony ever if you ask her dad, was an insufferable pony that lorded over her bullied subjects. I had to keep my eye on her.
Miss Cheerilee wrote a little math problem on the board. A squared plus B squared equals C squared. If C is 25 then what are the lengths of the sides? That kinda fun.
“Twist, what is the answer?”
Twist shuffled in her seat; her glasses giving her an ancient, aged look. “Three four and five.” I smiled as I remembered the first time I met Twist. ‘Good that she grew out of that tongue twisting phase of hers. That was annoying.’
Meanwhile I stared out the window and saw a bird perch on the windowsill. Its eyes begged me to open the window and let it in. It was a little blue jay and I grimaced as she remembered the first time I had seen a bird .That had been when I was six. On a hunting trip that turned ugly fast just for the memory of the fire. I was lucky that I didn’t puke up my lunch right then and there; for I had done so the last few mornings. Today, I was a different pony, a pony that could get things done.
“Good, good. But you didn’t elaborate on the problem here.” I internally laughed as Cheerilee said that. ‘I haven’t elaborated enough? Well get ready for soon you’ll hear my story.’ “Would anypony want to explain?” I raised my hand expectantly, but Cheerilee called on Snails.
“Uhm, either A or B could be three or four.” Snails spoke in his monotone voice. I knew from experience the signs of an idiot. Snails hit all of them. The glazed, unblinking expression, the plodding gait, the annoying laugh, the sheer stupidity of him radiated off his body like rays of Celestia’s sun.
I tuned out the rest of the lesson. It all boiled down to an education that would get me nothing and I would stay in this town. I could stay only so much stupidity, The Apple Family I could stand but they had some days...the others were a jumbled mess of psychedelic colors swirled into a murky haze that permeated the town with crazy.
I was broken out of her stupor when the intercom spoke. “Babs Seed to the office please.” I nodded at Cheerilee, rose from my desk, and left the room. My stomach felt as it was doing flips and I could swear that Cheerilee was coming after me, her body contorted into a painful spasm of nerves and muscles. “We don’t need you here...why don’t you die...or go to the mental hospital...girls like you go to stay there...so go you bag of good for nothing.’
I turned and searched for the pipe wrench that had disappeared from my saddlebags. I wasn’t afraid for I knew real fear. And it was much worse than the mental images that were dancing around my brain. I smiled as I stalked my way to the office,
I stopped in the girls bathroom to do my business and see the latest gossip that covered the ways of the quiet room. I thought about Scootaloo and my urge to have a relationship with her. The problem was that she was in a relationship with Sweetie Belle and it wasn’t one of those relationships that pussyfooted around. I caught them screwing in the clubhouse once. They didn’t know cause I hid and watched once I knew what they were doing.
It was something that excited me. This town, even with its rampant stupidity, had the highest rates of female-female relationships in the nation. What? I was bored and I stumbled into Twilight’s library when drunk and horny. I smiled as I thought of Scootaloo, her tail swishing back and forth, sometimes covering her love hole and thought of my tongue lapping at her succulent juices that flowed like the greatest rivers in the world. The thought alone made my mouth water in anticipation. I would miss Scootaloo the most if Head Case and Educational Conduct had any say in the matter. I knew they would throw me in that hellhole of a mental hospital that Ponyville had. I had toured it once on a school field trip and the faces of the convicted ponies were what haunted me the most. They looked as if the soul had lost its luster and they sat in complete placidity.
I tried to flush the toilet as quietly as possible but the sound was like an explosion. The toilet-builders must build these things to make fillies and colts learn about that facet of life called the walk of shame. The toilets made anypony become a nervous wreck because everypony heard the sound from the classrooms and the shuffle in and out of bathrooms was matched in the embarrassed looks that passed like magic current through the crowd of students staring at the door waiting for the victims.
The bathroom door shut and I was in the hall. I wondered why it was silent in the halls. Usually there was stragglers from other classes or, like me, the bathroom explorers that had left a piece of themselves as sacrifice to the gods as penance for their sins. ‘Forgive me mother, for I have sinned...my child I forgive thee of your transgressions, see you next Tuesday.' It was only 9:10 on this beautiful morning that I got it on.
I stormed back in the bathroom, my hoof was ready to write something witty like ‘Princess Celestia is a whore- and so is your mom.’ but my marker snapped and I looked at my work. It was black and huge and it cut through the normal jumble of gossip.
GET IT ON, MOTHERBUCKER!
I turned and looked at myself in the mirror. A scar on my cheek, two dark bags under my eyes because of constant insomnia, cuts and scrapes from the work on the farm, and my normal short cut red hair. “Why, Babs, you are one piece of work.” I hummed tunelessly as I walked to my execution grounds.
The office was located on the front of the school. It was the first thing that most ponies saw in the morning and the last thing ponies saw at the end of the day. It was a roadway that blocked off the dangerous ideas of nonconformists and anarchists everywhere. I wolfishly grinned as I realized that I embodied everything that the administration tried to smother with their pillows of rules and standardized tests. When you left the system, you were either a good member of society, dead, or in prison. That was the unspoken rule around here: Conform or die.
I guessed getting it on would throw those plans out the window. I approached the sound of a typewriter click-clacking away and I hated that sound. It never abated from the months of August to May and it was the constant in an equation that shifted from one balancing act to the next. ‘We are just cogs in the largest machine of all. I’m getting off at this stop and I don’t care what might happen to the other moving parts.’ I always thought the sound was the coming of Head Case or Educational Conduct shedding their soft outer coating of flesh to appear as Changelings. And then the typewriter would stop and I would be carried off to the loony bin.
I had walked as slowly as possible to make sure that the principal would be ready to see me but the receptionist shook her head in a manner that said that he wasn’t ready. I took a seat in a chair. It was hard enough of a cushion to be annoying, but soft enough to mold itself around my plot. I waited for the principal in a nice and calm way. Who should be in the other chair but my father’s business associates, Ponzi Scheme.He was grinning that shit-eating grin that I learned at a young age. He had a bag full of money, probably illegally gained. He was no good as my father, almost worse than the seed planter- to use a pun- and I was ready to crush this rat. My father and him were hunters of the birds. I had only gone on one of my father’s hunting trips. It was a scheme to make a stallion out a filly that would be married off for money or a position.
“Sup?” I grinned, matching his previous smile and he jumped. He nervously shifted knowing all too well about my propensity for violence. He must have heard it from the grapevine or the source. Maybe my father, Mosely Orange, sent him on a mission to learn more about my delinquent behavior.
“Uh, hi Babs.” He looked around for an escape route but I had him trapped in my web. The receptionist was too busy with class lists to care and he was all alone with me. Mosely Orange’s psychobitch of a daughter. Nothing like her debutante sisters that’s for sure.They hadn’t almost killed the physics teacher in anger. That bastard deserved it.
“Business, huh?” I asked that slimy ball of filth.
“You are correct- but I wouldn’t expect less from the Oranges.” Sweat broke out upon his brow and I knew the stallion was close to breaking point. But I knew to let him go,
Why? Because he wasn’t what I wanted to crush. He was just a slimy businessman that went around ripping ponies off of their hard earned money. But I just described every capitalist banker in Manehattan. What I saw was a old stallion heading towards his twilight and my father standing behind him like the only time I went with my father to the woods. I wanted the grab his shifty face in my hooves throw him on the nearby receptionist’s desk and scare him half to death with the feelings that had twisted my insides into looping trails. The nice happy and friendly camping trip where this seedy creep, my father, and my father’s friends went gallivanting around the woods. My weekend was crushed when I heard the ogres talking about my mother’s sexual prowess,alleged or not, and they terrified me. But I was the one with a pool of blood lingering on my hooves.
‘You and my father and all your cronies are who deserve to be sent to the mental hospital. You are what sent me on this path and you’ll see what I have planned. I’ve known my parentage for two years now and whispers of the servants don’t help. I, the bastard daughter of the Oranges, blame my father for his ideals...’
I sat and remembered my youth.
I woke up damp with sweat from a dream that haunted the inner recesses of my subconscious. A dream where I was hunted by a monster with tentacles and I heard its dragging motions right behind me. Whenever I tried to turn my head, there would be nothing behind me but my shadow.
A dread filled me as I saw my shadow elongate and wrap its tentacles around my face. Then a shift would happen and I would be sitting in a faraway glade bathed in light. It was the happiest thing I could think of. This would protect me for a while but the shadow would always creep in and corrupt the light-glade. Only once did I try to stop it and when I went up towards it, it turned and I saw, with horror, my face.
That was what scared me the most in those dreams. That realization that I was afraid of myself.
I jumped out of my fear dream and found myself in a unfamiliar place. I was nine years old and I hadn’t had that dream since I was a filly and I was not a filly anymore if what my father said to me in the nights was true.
It wasn’t like my cozy bed at home where I could crawl into my mother’s calming embrace and drift off to dreamland unhindered by fears and reality. I loved those nights because she would run a comforting hoof through my hair and she would sing me lullabies to make me calm. I knew that the monsters couldn’t get me then.
But I was in an unfamiliar place stuck in a sleeping bag. I remembered where I was. I was with the real monsters on my father’s camping trip and I really needed to go to the bathroom. I heard the friendly banter of my father’s friends.
“So she’s a whore, Mosely. You don’t need to worry about her.” Ponzi Scheme’s dripped honey as I tried to unzip the tent and leave this realistic nightmare.
“Yeah, what Ponzi said. Don’t worry about your illegitimate child. Lie out your teeth and the little filly won’t be any wiser.
“Insurance Fraud. That child is sleeping in the next tent over and I want this problem gone. I think I might give her a job watching her daughter.” Mosely laughed heartily and he began having a coughing fit. It had been happening more often lately since he started smoking cigars.
“Man, I don’t envy you. Mosely, this happened because you couldn’t keep your business out of your pleasure. If I had a problem with a whore I would kill her and hide her body.” Ponzi laughed.
“So you’d kill your wife?” The friends chuckled at this. “Mosely, what would you do if Valencia slept around like you did?”
I needed to run out in the bushes and relieve my bladder. But I was scared cause they were drunk and that made the monster from my dream haunt my mind again.
I saw their shadows on the tent . Shadow puppets blown up to insane proportions, their grins ghastly and ready to eat up a small filly. My father’s words came out in a dark monotone. “I would kill anypony that would dare touch my wife in that way. I would use this.” My drunk father twirled his foot long knife, almost a sword, and stabbed it into the nearby ground. I later saw him gut a deer with it. I never knew what my father did with the meat. Maybe he sold it to gryphons or something, but I remember what he did with the head. He had it stuffed and mounted on his office wall. The beady, dead eyes always judged me. “I heard of this thing the buffaloes do with their unfaithful women. They cut a notch in both of their ears and send them to die in the wilderness. Its called the Buffalo ear job.”
I was terrified. I wanted to be back at home in the embrace of the mother figure that I loved but the dreamlike stupor I was in glazed over the memory and I could just see my mother living on the streets homeless.
“That was to make sure that no buffalo would ever want them again. It was a sign of ownership and masculinity. These buffalo women live in little settlements where they moan about their infidelity.” I heard my father wiggle his knife out of the ground and begin sharpening the weapon. Shikt. Shikt. Shikt.
“Man that’s hilarious. If we did that, Manehattan would have three quarters of the mares looking like that.” Ponzi and Fraud chuckled.
“Not my wife.” The laughter died with the dark void that my father’s voice had become.
“Dude, we’re just kidding.” Insurance Fraud passed my father the bottle and he knocked a draught back.
“I’d shoot my wife’s brains out.” Ponzi said quietly.
“I’d drink to that.” My father chuckled happily.
I couldn’t stop myself. I ran out into the November air and my fur bristled as I tried to dodge the cold air. I was gripping the side of the tent flap with a hoof and let the leaves announce my presence. The whole conversation felt like an unreal dream and I wanted to crawl in between my mother’s sheets and have her hold me in her arms.I did that when my father left for his job in the mornings, I snuck into their bedroom and my mother would move over and I just felt her hot breath on my mane and I would drift back to sleep.
I didn't want to be in the middle of nowhere with my father.
My father turned and I can’t forget how he looked. His green mane was tucked under a woolen cap and he gripped his knife. Beard stubble that he only let grow when he was on these trips made him look dangerous and rough. He looked at me and I froze. The conversation stopped as if they were scared that I might have heard the laughter.
“I gotta go to the bathroom.” I tried to grin but I frowned involuntarily.
“Then go.” My father waved a hoof at the nearby bushes.
I tried to go but it took a very long time. It was like it was a ball of fear that wouldn’t loosen its grip of my insides. Then it came out in a flood and I felt relieved. I quickly walked back in my tent and shamefully fell asleep. They forgot that I was there and they were talking about the war,. All of them had been in the war with Gryphus and they traded stories of warriors that drank the blood of their enemies.
My dad killed that deer a few days later and I watched him kill it. He just trapped the thing in a cave and stabbed it in the in-between muscles of neck and shoulder. It died with a scream on its lips and I slipped a little in its blood.
My dad was happy and he put his legs on either side of the stomach of the deer and gutted the dead body. I puked up my breakfast and my dad was disappointed with me. I knew in that moment that he had wanted a son but he got me. I was a failure in my father’s eyes. I never went with my dad hunting ever again.
Ain't No Rest For The Wicked
I was pulled out of my stupor when the intercom buzzed and I was beckoned into the inner sanctum of the educational bureaucracy. I walked past the desk and I was ready to push open that door with ‘Educational Conduct Principal’ on the wood like a death sentence.
The principal was sitting behind his desk reading Playcolt. Typical stallions. I internally groaned since I knew that that publication didn’t cater to my demographic. He was a tall, bony stallion that probably didn’t have a marefriend in high school and this caused him to become a stuffy , old principal. He was wearing a white collar uniform and I waited for the horse shoe to drop.
“Take a seat, Babs.”
I took a seat and put on my tough mare face. I had a decent one because of the shit that I had to deal with. So I learned it from being a bad seed from a good family. I couldn’t see any birds outside and that made me nervous, I loved when there were birds- they calmed me down.
He set down his fun rag and stared at me. I stared back. I looked at his cluttered desk. It was a telling look into him. He had a picture of his family. A chunky wife and two kids. A pegasus and an unicorn. Genetics are weird. Especially that he was an earth pony. Must be some ancestor or some shit.
“I have Head Case’s report on your mental state. He called you highly disturbed and holding a belief that you were slighted by society. He wants you to go to the mental hospital. After what happened to your physics professor...I agree with him.”
“So when’s Theoretical Proof coming back.”
“Next month at the earliest.”
I sat back in my chair and grinned. “Isn’t that great? I didn’t kill him.”
Mr.Principal just stared back. “Did you want to?”
“Nope. He was just a casualty of misplaced aggression.”
He pulled up his chair and began his rant. “I don’t understand. Babs, you are throwing away your future. If you leave this office, I will send you to the mental hospital. Not because I want to but because I am obligated to. There was one incident years ago where a student almost killed a mare with his bare hooves and he just said that she dumped him. I don’t understand ponies like you.” He shook his head.
“Don’t lose sleep over it. I know I haven’t.”
“But why, Babs? He was in a coma for three weeks and had a minor stroke”
I stopped him. ‘“Why is Head Case’s question. You just want to make me feel some sort of remorse and have a nice moral lesson tied into it. Maybe a twenty-two minute sermon on the evils of harming others. But I am tired. Tired of this shitty school and its time for me to take back my life.He survived. I’m doing backflips Do what you want to do. But don’t try to understand my mind cause it is a fool’s errand.”
“But-”
“I’m going to tell you one thing, so listen,” He waited like a good little colt waiting for a piece of candy. “I’m sick of all this Ponyville shit. I’m tired about you teachers thinking I am a bad pony but I am most tired with your sermons. I am not sane. I guessed that when I was young, but you don’t have to shove in your pseudoscience and cart me away. I am warning you for the last time- you are your cronies are not ready for me to go off the deep end.” I was screaming my head off. He just groaned.
“I am given the right by the country to be qualified and I agree with Head Case on this. You don’t understand what you did in that classroom. You are disturbed.”
You are disturbed, crazy, insane, bonkers. off the deep end, in the funny farm.
The buffalo slit the ears...ownership. Get it on. Babs you are not getting it on.
I saw the Dark Thing come out of my head and it began munching on the principal’s head like a candy bar. I was absurdly calm, like when the Dark Thing came out and brained the teacher with the wrench. It wasn’t my fault. It was the victim’s fault. They were the ones who pushed my buttons. I wanted to fly like a bird. I was chill and ready to walk out after I crushed this obstacle in my way to getting it on.
“Go to Tartarus and buck off.”
He set down my file. The File of Unnatural Events and the Case of Babs Seed. He just stared at me in shock. “What did you just say?”
“Tartarus. Let your bones rot and your flesh fly off those bones and feed the three headed dog. I don’t care. Any crazies in your family?”
“I will not fall for your tricks, Babs. I won’t have-”
“Sexual deviancy in this office.” I finished for him and I motioned my hoof in a jerking motion. That got to him for some reason. Prude. “No, daddy don’t touch me there. That is a no-no. But if you want I could do it to you. You would like that wouldn’t you? First one to orgasm loses.”
“Wh-”
“Are you even listening to me? Get one has to get it on and mess up someone’s life. You’ve messed with mine and I’m tired. Tired of this orgiastic experience that you teachers call an education. You’ve made yourself into my judge, jury, and executioner. What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry that I’ve turned out this way? You know I’m the most exciting thing that’s walked these halls.”
He was staring at me like I was crazy. Which at this point I guess I was. He wanted me to shut up because it was an unspoken rule in education. Never let the child have a nonconformist thought and kill all joy in the child’s life. Or something like that. He must have been going along with the show like how most people dealt with madness. Just humor the crazies.
“Babs-”
“Sir, I’m tired of being part of an orgy. Be a bucking stallion for Celestia’s sake or if you can’t do that- be a principal.”
“Shut up, you delinquent.” he yelled. His cheeks were anger-tinged and he angrily stared at me. “You are lucky you live in Equestria. You know that? The Gryphons send their delinquents on a walk to the death. The minotaurs would torture you. The Changelings would use you as food. Canterlot would throw you in prison or a reform school. But Ponyville has just let you be. You-”
“Thanks”
He stared at me, not comprehending what he just did. His green eyes just looked blankly at me; partly because he just realized what he said.
“For treating me like a pony for once and not a number. Even if I had to swear at you to get you on my level. As Head Case would say- progress” I crossed my legs in a relaxed stance plus I didn’t want to show that I might have got off on his yelling fit. I lost my game. Boo hoo. “Want to talk about your time in Canterlot University when you and your friends had saddle raids while you were learning how to deal with ponies like me?”
“Your mind and mouth is filthy.” He coldly said.
“Buck you, you plothead.” I maniacally laughed at his anger. If I was a Changeling I would feed off anger. It was just an art to piss ponies off.
He rose up like a dragon. His face was beet-red and full of capital r Rage and I loved looking at his mind. His unhinged feral mind that hid behind a calm exterior. Maybe everypony has a bit of crazy. I’m just the poster girl for being insane. Think about that for a second.He grabbed my saddlebags in anger and almost ripped one of my bags in half. Good thing he didn’t rip the other one because that held a special surprise I would use later.
“You punk. You need to show respect.”
“I could show you my love hole and you would lap up its juices like a dog. A filthy dog.” I said. “Tell your buddy right here about the saddle raids. Did you get in the lesbian house? That place has some real shit that I would love to use right now.”
He let go and shook his hoof as if struck. “Get out of my office.” he said quietly. “Get all your books, turn them in, and never come back. You're going to stay in the mental hospital. Don’t worry about the Apple Family- I’ll explain it all to Applejack. Get out and stay out.”
I got up, tousled my hair, ripped my bag open, and rubbed my legs in my juices. I ran out crying fake tears into the outer office. Ponzi and the receptionist-Raindrops, I think- were laughing about some adult joke and both looked shocked when I staggered out. They must have found a way to tune us out. Maybe a muffle spell or a sound bubble. Something simple, but effective.
“You better see him. We were just happily talking about saddle raids and then he tried to rape me.” I smiled on the inside as I turned to look at the husk of my former principal.
I crushed the obstacle. I would be a terror in the business world, because I played him like an instrument and he fell for it. He was so close to retirement, maybe ten years or so, and I probably just made him take an early one. He tried to grab me but I swerved away at the last moment making him accidentally touch my flank. He was silent and his face held a fury, guilt, and confusion. He was done.
I smiled sweetly at the receptionist. “Maybe you could get this out of his system “ I looked at Educational Conduct for the last time. “Saddle raids.” and winked.
Then I walked through the doors to the rest of the school. I fixed my hair and shifted my saddlebags so they fell across my hip instead of dragging on the floor. The old stallion was a great announcer of school news: sports scores, lunch menus, the conference times. But I accused him of what he tried to accuse me of. Maybe he thought I was going to go gracefully and end my three and a half years at Ponyville High with a review of Playcolt. But the business with me, Theoretical Proof and all that, had not prepared him for my irrational ace in the hole. That was meant for those scraps of insanity that you hid with the dirty books and drugs in your closet. He was frozen. None of his instructors in Ed 211-B.S: Dealing with a Psycho had told him about me.
And he was going to be pissed at me. I waited for him to come out and grab me. I wanted to be sent to Tartarus because it was better than here. I never had salvation so I wanted to fly away to the sun and get burned. All I ever wanted was to be treated like a pony and not a number...or be dragged behind the barn and killed. He didn’t move. I hummed tunelessly again and went to get it on.
I went down the hall humming; I felt like a Princess, all powerful and wanting to be worshipped. That happens a lot. When you are ready to throw it all away, your mind just stops and deletes every bad mood and goes on a trip to the moon. I had a stupid smile on my face as I lit up the bridge to my future and watched it burn with me still on the thing. A young mare passed me when I was walking back. She was just in that awkward age where her body had not grown out of childhood and into a true mare. She was gangly and had glasses, not my type. But I turned when she walked past and- Yes. From the back she looked like Princess Celestia. There was nothing better than thinking you could have that kind of relationship with the ruler of Equestria. Hey, I could dream right?
The locker room was deserted. The only sound was a muffled wah-wah coming from the nearby classrooms. The nonstop monotone lessons of useless shit. The hallway looked like every school ever. Lockers stood sentinel over the walls and only let through the occasional water fountain like they were bouncers of a strip club. How do I know about those? I am a degenerate worshipper of a God called Filth. The Great and Mighty Filth commands me, yadda, yadda.
I passed my classroom on the way to my locker. Blame the bad floor plan of this school. My locker stood resolute and ever-watchful over my activities. It held every belonging of mine except the most important. It said my name on it with a little sticker with glitter on it. It made me gag. Babs Seed. Whenever we came back from a glorious summer, we were given the stickers and our new lockers. It was ritualistic and as old as Equestria. I could see Chancellor Puddinghead with a little sticker and a locker made out of stone. Maybe she was crazy. I know I connected with her the most when Ponyville put on the Hearth's Warming play last semester.
I remember when I was a sophomore and Snips put his sticker on his head. He got a detention for that display of nonconformity and I loved every second of it. The shocked faces of everypony highlighted the scene and I wanted to roll on the floor laughing. I had to stop my laughter before anypony suspected that I was crazy. That one event made my day, if not my entire year.
And there I was between Applebloom and Berry Pinch. Who drowned her sorrows in alcohol. That didn’t help my stomach this last semester. Whenever I smelled her breath, I thought that she was holding onto a dark secret. But I didn’t give a shit cause I was gonna go to the funny farm.
So there I stood and looked at the final obstacle that kept me from getting it on. The padlock of destiny. It was given out with our stickers to protect our privacy, except when the establishment thought there were drugs in circulation. Them’s the breaks. They hate when children try to expand their minds the natural way.
“Padlock, you annoying hunk of metal. You lovable lock that keeps my soul chained upon the earth.” I reached for the hunk of junk and I thought that there was no turning back. Even the black one eyed stare of the padlock’s dial kept me on track. I had to breathe slowly as my hoof stroked the metal finish of the padlock and I saw the lock fall into my hand. It had lost its magical properties and was just another padlock.
Up the hall a teacher was blathering about the gryphons. “And the Gryphons were trained in war at an early age to crush compassion from the bud. These governmental programs had made the early cultures of Gryphus have clan wars that ravaged the countryside.”
“Gryphons” I tossed my padlock into the garbage. I saw it look up from a graveyard of waste and I felt bad for the thing. it hadn’t slighted me. It was just a sad bystander to my rage.
“But remember that the Gryphons are still formidable fighters, even though they have changed their culture from a warlike conqueror into a democratic nation ruled by the majority.”
I picked up the padlock and placed in my left saddlebag, which was the only one that still hung nicely on my frame, and I chuckled. “Hey, Mr. Padlock? Aren’t you a killing machine?” He didn’t answer but I thought I heard a yes. Maybe I said it or I was losing my grip on reality.
I swung up my locker and saw the detritus that probably littered every locker. Gym clothes for those times that we needed exercise, an umbrella hat for rain, my books. I ran through the list in my head. Math, Science, History, Grammar and Spelling, Mouth Writing (that was the earth pony version...), Cutie Marks. All of them were boring and were not going to help me in life now. What I needed to know now was how to create a shank and easy ways to commit suicide. I was not going to stay in the damn institution forever.
I ripped up each of my books and they tore easily because they were badly made. I ripped up that Playcolt centerfold that I was so attached to. The one with Sapphire Shores being her naturally seductive, yet witty, self. I loved seeing the mental image of me being her lover and she was giving all of herself to my rapacious sexual appetite. It got me hot and bothered and I wanted to masturbate right there on the floor. This day hadn’t even begun and I already orgasmed twice.
But I had a mission straight from Filth. I picked up the bullets that had been hiding behind my books. It was my little secret. I stole them from my father a few weeks ago and he never noticed they were gone. I stared down at the little gems that held so much killing potential. My eyes became misty as I realized the beauty of the little gems. Some earth pony was smart enough to harness the magical properties of gems and make a nice little killing machine. The hunk of metal that I had in my saddlebags was a testament to that. I had to steal the gun under the eyes of that deer head, but dead things never tell on ponies. My dad was none the wiser because he probably forgot that he even had the thing. I felt like a killer. I was Daring Do. I was Discord. It was time to get it on. I put the extra gems in my pocket and grabbed my lighter. I don’t smoke but I bought the thing anyway. I lit it and set my school supplies on fire.
The mess that I made created a perfect breeding ground for the fire.Then I shut the door. I could feel the heat coming off my locker and black smoke came out of my locker grate. I just watched as the adhesive on the sticker melted and the glittery mess fluttered to the floor. The paint started to fleck and I just grinned madly. Really, seeing your school supplies go up in smoke is a sight to behold. I almost think of it as a religious experience.
A colt came out of one of the nearby rooms carrying a pass to the bathroom. He looked at the inferno in my locker, back to me, and then just ran. I hid the gun well cause he wasn’t running for his life.
I slowly walked back to Cheerilee’s classroom. My homeroom for the last and final time. I stopped and looked back at my locker belching smoke like a dragon and soot was marring my locker’s paint. There was no name tag anymore on it. It was like I never existed. That was the truly beautiful thing. It was like a piece of art dedicated to my dreams.
There was just a buzzing sound in my head. I had nothing in my brain anymore, I was just running on instinct now. My brain had went to the moon a long time ago. I opened the door and hoped for retribution for what I was going to do.
“...so class, see you next Monday and I hope that you have a good weekend.” I groaned. Cheerilee always forgot that there was more to class than just one lesson and a send off. She wasn’t the worst teacher I had, but I think she might have been forgetful.
Cheerilee turned as I closed the door. “Babs, do you have a office pass?”
“Yeah, here it is.” I opened my saddlebags, pulled out the gun and pulled the trigger. I forgot that I did load the thing and its bullet exploded out of the chamber and Cheerilee’s head exploded. Brain matter littered the floor and blood gushed out of her mortal wound. Her remaining eye rolled up into its socket and she slumped in her desk. She never knew what hit her. She had a smile on her face and it never left her. At least she died with a smile on her face. I already died and I remembered that I hadn't been smiling. Good for her.
Sanity :
You could say that life is a happy place full of rainbows and glitter. Life is sane and easy. Us ponies hate war and conflict because it is so out of the sane experience of cutie marks and puke inducing colors. But I think you ponies have something with that sane explanation. I’ve been stuck up in this mental hospital long enough to see. I always come back to Cheerilee’s final sentence like a drug. ‘...so class, see you next Monday and I hope you have a great weekend.’ I love that.
I have a cutie mark; so I am a pony. I need a wax; therefore I wax. Ponies are dying; therefore we pray to the Princesses. Its a carnival ride set up with unchanging variables of speed and danger. We live in the happiest world possible, so roll a blunt, drench my worries away in vodka, turn on a movie, and hear that singing of the celestial spheres up in that logical Elysium that we call that upward space that Luna calls. Or maybe I’m a bucking poet.
But living in Ponyville has given me the real view of the world. Applejack being a workaholic, Pinkie being a friend-obsessed crazy mare, Twilight having severe OCD- oh wait- for her it is CDO, Fluttershy having anger issues, Rarity being a drama queen, and Rainbow Dash having an extreme need for attention. And that’s just the Bearers of the Elements. Faust, was that a pile of crap. Everypony was bucking insane. Just ask Discord and his fun rule of Ponyville. From stories told by the other Cutie Mark Crusaders, it was a crazy time. Applebloom being turned into a dragon, Sweetie Belle becoming a doll, and Scootaloo being a doppelganger of Rainbow Dash. And craziness ensued- but that’s not my story to tell just yet.
The dark side is a colt blinded by his own abusive mother. Its a mare raped by her own father. Its where your sister drinks herself into a coma to deal with the pain of her multiple organ failures, which were her own fault. Its where zebras are seen as different and are lynched with the whole town participating. This logic says that life is up to chance and that we are dancing to the screams of the dying.
You are forced to look at it when you are drunkenly walking through town and you are reevaluating your entire life; you look at it if your sister gets shot in the back and becomes bedridden; you look at it if a serial killer murders little colts and fillies. You look at it when your father wants to slit notches in your mother’s ears.
Chance is the name of the game and its all so logical. Science bucking backs me up. Just ask our newest bucking Princess- Twilight “no shit” Sparkle.
And its not just outside your window now. Its running in your brain right now. Its the Dark Thing, the Loony Bin, the Creepy Crawlies, the Demon. Its my own personal pet crawling through my inner darkness.
But that’s little old me. And I was talking about the society as a whole. Those Canterlot U students that were killed when they got too close to a drug deal. They got to see their lives run out between their fingers, their drug-addled minds making the experience a psychedelic mess that made this place look normal by comparison. I am a warning to the parents. I was in the Pony Press, Celestial Enquirer, and Epoch. And I plead my case before you loonies (kinda) and say that I’m a healthy piece of ass and just have a little bit wrong with me.
So how do you understand Them? That’s the million dollar question.
“Babs, do you have a office pass?”
“Yeah, here it is.” I opened my saddlebags, pulled out the gun and pulled the trigger. I forgot that I did load the thing and its bullet exploded out of the chamber and Cheerilee’s head exploded. Brain matter littered the floor and blood gushed out of her mortal wound. Her remaining eye rolled up into its socket and she slumped in her desk. She never knew what hit her. She had a smile on her face and it never left her. At least she died with a smile on her face. I already died and I remember that I wasn’t smiling. Good for her.
I’m the sane one; the drug dealer. I peddle my wares on the street corner and everypony that replies to my calling card learns a bit about themselves. Now we get to the real fun. I got to play teacher for a few hours and it was a fun little bonding experience for my classmates. Now what you have read on the news has been skewed- I had only killed two ponies, not ten as the Enquirer tried to pin me with. I know that happened cause my shit doctors like torturing me for their sick pleasure. But I learned abuse from my father so my life hasn’t changed much.
Time has slowed since I entered this Tartarus and I just replay those three seconds in my head to know it isn’t a dream. The brain is a great place. I just shut it off and go to the bucking Moon Theater and see the double feature of MY REASONS and MY ANGER up in that place, eating popcorn and chatting with the players in the play.
I just wish that straitjacket wasn’t on me now. I could finally end my suffering. From rumors between the doctors, the Princesses have disappeared after that surprise attack the Gryphons did on Canterlot. I had wondered why there had been that big explosion that woke me up a month ago. Wonder if my cousin’s ok. I guess I can’t fuck the Princesses anymore then. Here cums the Sun and all that. Haha, double entendre. Or not I really can’t fucking tell anymore. How long has it been?
Nopony moved which surprised me. I expected them to try to stampede out the door and somepony big like Pipsqueak to tackle me to the ground. I had hoped for that, but I blame the educational system for their indecision. They just stared at me dumbly and waited for me to speak the truth about why? Why is a question that doesn’t have an easy answer.
I shut the door calmly, sank slowly into Cheerilee’s chair, and kicked my hooves up. I played it cool, but my breakfast wanted to come back up. I took some deep breaths and calmed my shit. I put the gun on the desk and it slid on the wooden desk. I crossed my arms and waited for the time to hit the mares and stallions again.
Twist took the hint and tried to scream. It did its work. I’m kidding. If it was Sweetie Belle who screamed, ponies would care. But it was Twist. It was too late; everypony had already seen their lives flash before their eyes. And Twist shut up after a minute or two. Probably cause her goody two-shoes act messed with her head. Some mare in the back laughed. Silver Spoon maybe. And surprisingly Pipsqueak had fainted. Fear of blood? Never would have guessed. As that great sentence goes: You learn something new everyday.
“This is known as getting it on.” I said.
Hurried footsteps echoed down the hall and somepony asked if some experiment in the science lab had gone off with an explosion. Right then the fire alarms went off. Like machines, my classmates rose and tried to exit this room. I just had to motion with the gun for all of them to sit and calm their shit back down.
“Don’t worry. Its just my locker. I set the thing on fire for the heck of it.”
I looked for my crush sitting calmly in her seat. Scootaloo. Her wings were the most impressive part of her. They gave her a sexy profile for they were twice the size of normal pegasi wings. Hey, don’t blame me for liking wings. I was always a wing girl. Plus her violet eyes and mane just blew my mind with how sincere she looked. And she usually didn’t give a shit about anything. I was so jealous that Sweetie and her were a couple.
The line of good little students was streaming out the doors of the school. I looked for the bird that I thought was my co conspirator, but it was gone. Maybe towards greener pastures and bluer skies but it ditched me. Birds are terrible friends.
I was startled when the door was quickly opened and Time Turner poked his head in. Time Turner was the history teacher that I heard while burning my locker and staring at its death-spasms. He was a well built stallion, but a loner. I never saw him with anypony and he was a quiet stallion. But that didn’t mean that he lacked admirers. Ponyville had almost no male ponies to fuck, so the straight mares pined away at this teacher.
“Everypony? Didn’t you hear the fire alarm? Wait- where’s Cheerilee?”
“Get out!” I growled.
He calmly stared me down. “What did you say?”
“Out.” I shot at the nice stallion and missed. It whizzed by him and took a decent chunk of his left ear with it. Gore was spattered on the door frame and Time Turner tried to staunch the flow of blood with a hoof. Nopony knew what was happening. I knew for I saw the Dark Thing in my peripheral vision goading me on. To everybody else, it must have seemed like one of those gangster movies where violence was promoted. I found those to be comedic for they always set them in Manehattan and it made me chuckle as I saw those idiots act like gangsters. Right now, I was the closest thing to a gangster that most of these ponies would ever see.
“There’s fire in the building, Babs-” Time Turner was always reliable on repeating information. History repeated itself as he tried to make me stop. What he didn’t know was that by this point I was just too far gone.
Rumble tried to talk him out of it. “Mr. Turner, Babs has a gun. I think you-”
My second bullet caught Time Turner in the throat. Blood spurted out of the new hole that I had created. What? I got bored with discussing the time of day with him and I told him to get out. Its totally his fault. He collapsed to the ground. He wasn’t dead for I head a slow scramble away from me, but he was a goner.
Twist screamed again. Celestia, do I hate Twist right now. Do I have to repeat myself- Sweetie Belle was hot; Twist was not. Nopony wants to copy the ugly ones. I blame the herd mentality as well. I was right now the alpha, male or female, and what I said happened. They were too scared to question me. Plus, Twist needed to get laid. Bon-Bon was a great sister to her, but I really think that she was a bitch. Why else had I never seen Twist at a rave party, dropping acid like a pro, sexing the mares (or stallions), and having a good time. Cause Twist never went out on weekends.
“Diamond Tiara,” I watched DT as she stared back with hatred. “I need you to shut the door and lock it.”
“You don’t order me around.”
“Bitch, I do cause I have a gun. So lock it.” Diamond begrudgingly got up from her seat and locked the door. She daintily stepped over the growing pool of blood that was from my newest outlet of misplaced aggression.
Some idiot outside was yelling about my locker. “Hey its a locker on fire. Oh Faust. Call the hospital-” Gosh, do I hate idiots.
I saw Diamond Tiara sit back in her chair. Diamond Tiara, the bitch on campus. Rumor said that she was a slut too. Mares. Stallions. Total sex addict and the new face of what I see as the failing of the schools. Her eyes were done up in eye shadow and she always had a fake smile. I knew so because she had given up her small time bullying for outright fear mongering. New students had to survive the walk of hatred that she set up. Educational Conduct thought he was the ruler of the school, but I was staring at her right now. She had her own accounts to deal with. Drugs, sex, money, anything a junkie would want passed through her influence. We had a verifiable black market that ran under the administration’s nose. She had a good reason to be a bitch though; her dad owned most of Ponyville.
The Apples and the Riches. Ponyville’s rich and famous clans that founded the shitty town. I am an Apple, but I hate the town, so-
“What now?” Featherweight asked.
“Well- uh- I guess wake up Pipsqueak. Can’t get his messy coat even dirtier.” Silver Spoon giggle at that and blush. Oh Celestia, I forgot that it was that time of the year. Sex time. I counted the male to female ratio. Five stallions. Ten or more mares. Yeah, I think that this will be fun.
Rumble walked back to his buddy and began lightly smacking his face. Pipsqueak slowly opened his eyes and got up from his restful place. He must have had shell shock cause he looked dazed and had barely been able to take his seat.
“Hey in there.” Oh look its the principal. I guess I should try to shoot him in the head. I aimed my gun but the bastard ducked and crawled away screaming in fear. Guess he learned how to move again. The class watched this with interest as the old stallion ran away. They actually cheered as the principal ran screaming with his tail between his legs. I knew I had very little time before the Royal Guards were called. They dealt with this shit on a regular basis.
I didn’t know what to do. We watched as the news began to get passed around about our class. The whispered rumors of my mental breakdown and the terrible body count that I had already caused. They stood ever vigilant over the scene of the crime. They even got to see my fall to earth- but that came later.
City Hall’s fire alarm began blaring out its warbling cry.
“Its like the end of the world.” Scootaloo whispered.
I just waited for the carnival ride to stop spinning. It still hasn’t after all these years.
Nopony said a word until the fire trucks came to the scene of my crime. They could have bolted. I run that through my mind everyday. It would have made the Dark Thing that happened later end right then and there. But they were mesmerized with my starring role in this little movie. ‘Why didn’t they cut and run, Babs? What did you do to them?’ The doctors still try to make me explain. It doesn’t matter anymore. Everypony that was in that schoolhouse is dead. Not because of me, but because of what our world transformed into after. Maybe I was the thing that set off the bomb. Maybe not. Back to the doctors. They are afraid of me. They think I am crazy. I don’t answer them; I need my secrets. I could reply that they forgot how being a child feels. Common bullying in the school halls, violence everywhere, the news reporting on murders, everything. We watched scary movies for Celestia’s sake. By comparison, Cheerilee’s death was less gory.
I’m not a crusader on the problems of our educational system, but I think adults underestimate our love of watching someone die or go crazy. Hey dude. You heard that Babs went bonkers and killed two teachers? Dude I was there. It was awesome. And we finished with..
I realized they were the predators. My classmates knew I wouldn’t kill them. They were waiting for a bloodbath, so they could have a gory orgy that freed them from all responsibilities of adulthood. We all have a bit of crazy.
Another group of ponies flew in. From there getups having a nice red cross and looking like not-so-sexy stripper outfits. Yep, it was the paramedics. Okay so maybe they were using a vehicle to get here. Carting bodies out and all that. I wish those emergency vehicles stopped being stupid. They scared the shit out of everyone. Ponies stopped to watch the massacre get it on. We were no longer ponies; we were actors in a macabre play for the enjoyment of the masses. I wished the vehicles wised up and played polka when they arrived on the scene.
Since the fire was in the school, the fire department went all out. They brought every able bodied firefighter (I didn’t know any cause I didn’t care.) My peers were mumbling about the new arrivals mainly because this holdup that I made was the most exciting thing that had happened to the town since Twilight Sparkle ascended to princesshood. All I thought was that it was racist. You never heard of earth ponies ascending.
The system was rigged.
I was snapped out of my reverie when Pipsqueak, of all ponies, asked if I was going to let them in. He finally had lost that shell shocked expression that he had woken up with and looked resigned to his fate. Let me be frank here: No matter what you might have read. . .nothing in that room was what it seemed, We all held secrets. Even the high and mighty Diamond Tiara. I still feel bad at what happened to her, but that’s karma.
I calmly answered the stallion. “Nope. They came for a fire. And that is outside this room. Whatever happens, happens.” He shut up after that.
“Babs. you shut your locker?” Berry Pinch asked. She was currently nursing a bottle of wine that she had pulled out of her saddlebags. ‘I knew that she carried a bottle today.’ She had been my locker neighbor until, well, you know. . . At least she was not a bitch to me. But she had the whole alcoholic shit going down and so I tried to keep away from her. The stallions didn’t mind all that much. I saw their stares at her flank and her curvaceous body. I could be jealous; she might be dead. Especially after those gryphons imposed martial law.
I nodded at Berry. She had this kind of blissful drunk smile. “I guessed so. That fire’s probably out. No oxygen and all that.”
We just turned and watched the commotion. Educational Conduct was being his old plothole self. His face was red with effort as he yelled at the firemen to put out the fire. Head Case was nearby acting like a wimp. The huddle that those stallions di reminded me of Friday nights; those days where our school rallied around the glorious pastime known as hoof ball. Now some gathered for the fun of it, some gathered because they were part of the team, and some gathered for the sex, drugs, and music that gave that awkward phase of teenage sex maniac- a release. A little nozzle that could be loosened to let off steam and anger. A ticking time bomb. I was one of those and I got fucked in the plot one too many times. But that is the educational system for you. Mediocrity and favoritism ruled.
Finally the football huddle broke and Head Case booked it inside like a hoof ball player trying for a touchdown. He was rushing towards the double doors like a colt ready to fuck a mare for the first time. I could hear it now. The beautiful view the stallion has and the view of the mare being in Tartarus for months on end because they didn’t use protection.
And I broke out of my rant because stupid Twist was crying like a bitch. “I wanna go home” she cried.
“Shut up, Peppermint.” I used her nickname, Little Peppermint Twist- the four-eyed snitch that ruined all the kids fun. We even made a game out of calling her names. Kids are some heartless bastards. But adults think that us kids are angels. It comes with being an adorable kid I guess. I could have committed murder and would have got off scot-free when I was younger.
Now the fire chief was yelling in his gigantic bullhorn that he pulled out from somewhere. ‘Because of this situation. . .suggest that all. . .school is cancelled for. . .’ Woo hoo. I just got our entire school day cancelled because I had a moment of clarity. ‘Sorry for the inconvenience this causes for any Cloudsdale residents. . .school is cancelled.’
Some of the teachers waved my schoolmates off/ The crowd scattered. Pegasi flew away with their buddies ready to tell the wacky news about the school’ earth ponies hoofed it out of the danger zone; and the unicorns fucking disapparated back home. I knew that this crowd was only the beginning. Royal Guards were going to kill me sooner or later. That’s what they learned to do ever since the last Gryphus conflict. Our nice benevolent ruler was a hypocrite. She let her guards do this in hopes of maintaining harmony and happiness throughout the land. Load of shit. . .all I think is that she’s cracking under paranoia.
Snails rose his hand. “Uh, is it okay to do some homework?”
“Yes. If you want.” Everypony laughed at that. Our class was bonding over my holdup of the school. Nopony, if given the chance, wants to do homework. It sucks all loads of plot. “If you want, smoke for all I care.”
Some grabbed for their smokes. Silver Spoon grabbed hers out and slowly lit it with a flick of her lighter. She had distanced herself from Diamond Tiara since the gray mare had been humiliated when her old friend had dumped a few gallons of chicken blood on her. They still hated each other. Everypony had forgotten what had caused the incident but I bet that Silvy would tell us when I implemented show and tell. She widened her legs to show her readiness to mate with any number of horny stallions.
“Oh and you can move anywhere you want. Sit with your friends. I don’t care. Just don’t try to leave. “ Some ponies moved but most stayed in their seats. I forgot that Cheerilee had been a terrible teacher. She let anypony sit with their friends and never broke them up, even if they were disrupting the entire class.
There was that noise again. The noise that had started it all. . .that buzz of the intercom. “Hello.” Yep. That was my shrink come to check on me. “Please answer.”
“What?” I said.
“Who’s that?”
“Babs Seed.”
Nothing for a while. He was composing himself for the coming battle of wills. “What have you done?”
I laughed. “I guess I’m gonna go to the loony bin.”
Silence. Long period of just hearing the breathing of my neighborhood shrink trying to deal with a commotion that he couldn’t control. I was at the controls and I was ready to mess with him. I shook my head at Diamond Tiara. She got the fucking hint.
“Hello, Dr. Case?”
“Who’s that?”
“Diamond Tiara, Sir. Babs is holding us hostage and Cheerilee’s dead. I think Time Turner is dead too.”
“Fifty points. Complete headshot.” I chuckled. I had a sick sense of humor ever since those parents tried to ban video games in Ponyville. Violence is a mindset. It is not given to you by a game. You choose to act of the impulse. I could say that all the violence was caused by craptastic parenting. But I already knew that.
Berry Pinch giggled again. Celestia, she must be drunk.
“Diamond?”
“Yeah?” Tiara sounded like she was the ringleader of this circus act, I knew that she had the school ready to kill for her because she was a supplier of necessary goods. I wondered if there was a connection between the administration and her. There might have been because the principal was reading a dirty mag when I walked in on him. The problem was that there had been a ordinance by the town to ban such material in the school. Diamond Tiara was the winner then because it gave her the monopoly of filth. Not Filth, as in my god. . .but little f filth. Debauchery, corruption, and all the little devils that the good hearted ponies of this town tried to crush under their hooves.
“Who’s in the classroom besides you and Babs?”
I spoke up. “I’ll call the roll.” So I did. Besides the screech of anger that Twist gave me, my class was a good little conformist lot. “Everypony is fucking here.” Looking back, I was wrong. They weren’t all there. Everypony in that room was corruptible and had part of was I had. The Dark Thing was in their hearts. I heard that Diamond Tiara finally got out of the mental hospital. . .I stay in because of what I did. I am a martyr. I bet I am the boogeyman that parents tell bad children about to scare them shitless. I am a butcher of two ponies and I scarred Diamond so bad that she still has nightmares. Just that I wasn’t. My classmates turned on her. . .but that is coming up.
“Babs? Will you let them go?”
“Nope, we haven’t had our show and tell session.”
I knew he was sweating on the other end. He was so used to unlocking the mental deficiencies of insanity that when he met his match- he didn’t know what to do. My Dark Thing crawled back out of my brain. Hallucination or not, it was a calming friend. Now the doctors say that it was just a misfiring of my neural insides. . .a kind of bad corruption that had affected my life for the worse. I still think its there somewhere in my brain ready to crawl out with its tentacles and wrap them around a pony’s head and twist until I feel like me again.
I saw it crawl inside the intercom and pass through the magical wiring, I saw it reach its talons through the skull of Head Case and he slumped dead on the other end. I grinned like a maniac as I knew what to do. He was another obstacle that I had to crush to get further on my quest to getting it on.
“What?”
“I mean fuck off.” Applebloom stared at me in surprise.
“Miss Seed-”
“Call me Babs.”
“No.”
I held my hoof towards my class and prayed. I prayed that this thing would work. “If you don’t call me Babs, I am going to shoot everypony in here until you drag me out of here.”
Dead silence. “Babs?”
Snips and Snails were hiding their goofy grins that plastered their faces. Others in the class were ready to bust a gut from the sheer stupidity of this. I really loved my class right then and there. They were showing their true colors; their psyches were beginning to escape from their cages of normalcy. Everypony was like little old me. We had a barrelful of laughs at the expense of the administration. “I’ll call you Case. That okay Case?”
Silence fell across the intercom. I waited for an answer.
“When will they leave?”
Across the lawn, the real backup appeared. Royal Guards landed on the lawn and surrounded the school. To my surprise, Princess Twilight Motherfucking Sparkle’s brother stepped out of the golden chariot and stomped over to the makeshift bunker. ‘Great, the head honcho is coming to take me away.’ His stupid red coat uniform was a giant target that I could hit if I was blind.
“Did you hear me?”
“Yeah, who called the Guards?”
“The principal.” That piece of shit. “More are going to come when we tell them exactly what’s going on. They’ll shoot you dead if you make a move they don’t like.Just surrender.”
“Case. Tell those plotheads that if they even dream of moving near this school. . .if they even try to shoot magical shit up in this room- I will go completely insane and take down as many ponies I can until I am dead. Get your bastard self out there and tell that Captain that I am pulling the strings not you. Not anypony. Just me.”
“Why are you doing this?” He finally sounded like his age. An old stallion that had hoped to never see what real crazy was. He just wanted to drug up the problem students or lobotomize the crazy right out of the enlightened ones. The ones that tried to tell the truth about everything. Colors beyond colors, shapes beyond shapes, times beyond time. . .things that normal brains couldn’t comprehend.
“I have no idea,” I shrugged. “but it sure beats saddle raids. It probably doesn’t even affect you. So get your flank out there and tell those higher ups what I said.”
He sighed. “I guess I lose.”
“Yeah you do. I don’t like you at all, Head Case. You probably know this shit already but you haven’t cared at all until now. I am free of your meddling. I am out of your files of insanity. You got that? You can’t lock up my files and forget about me once I leave the system. I am free. HAVE YOU FUCKING GOT THAT?” My eyes were bugging out of my head and I could only scream out my frustration at my headfucker.
“Yes.” He was fuming on the other end.
“No you don’t. You and all these crazy ponies are gonna learn from my book of tricks. Discord was a great influence on this town. Fun, fun, fun. You are going to learn how a real mind fuck will work and I will laugh all the way to the funny farm while I do it.”
“You are insane, Miss Seed.”
“No you think I am insane, Babs. Say it correctly or I will shoot the most annoying ones first.”
“You are insane, Babs.” Dead voice on the other end. I smiled as I knew he was under my spell. If he came back on anytime soon I was going to crush him beyond recognition. Progress report: I won.
“You got some getting it on to do, Case. Now get out and tell them.”
He wanted to say more but he clicked off his end. My classmates started talking in hushed whispers about what just happened. I saw they were all staring blankly at what I would do next. Unspoken rule number who the fuck cares: Don’t talk back to a teacher no matter what. I shattered that rule like King Sombra crushed the Crystal Ponies under his rule. I was the master of my destiny now and I floated on air. I wondered what they were going to learn today; what was I going to learn today? Our classmates were probably listening on their radios and whatnot, but in our little class we were still learning.
I rapped my killing machine on the desk and they died down. They were staring at me like I grew wings and a horn and became an alicorn princess. “Well I guess the shit has hit the fan. I thin we have to start show and tell.”
“Private conversation about what happened?” Featherweight asked. Featherweight’s name was a joke. He was built like a mountain. If I was straight, I would so want to fuck him. But I wasn’t so it was just a fantasy of mine. “you better turn off the intercom.”
Diamond Tiara stared daggers into him. “You idiot.” Featherweight just smiled knowingly at the prissy pink mare. I just shrugged and turned the lever from two way conversation to one way. I sat back down.
“You know Diamond, I was going to turn that off. You didn’t have to be a killjoy.” Tiara just smiled sweetly back. The bitch was probably thinking about ripping out my jugular with her teeth. But I knew I could just shoot her in the head. The speed of a bullet made it impossible to catch using magic. Even if she could slow it down I would then shoot her again.
I began to talk to all of my classmates. “I may be off my rocker but I would shoot anypony for talking about what we are going to discuss. Is there anypony here that thinks I will randomly murder them?” A few ponies looked up but nopony said anything. “I am not going to. We are just going to mess with the adults.”
“Yeah, whore, you sure messed with Cheerilee.” Diamond Tiara yet again. Okay, so maybe I should revise my list of annoying classmates that I want to brutally murder. Number one: Diamond Tiara. Moving to number two: Twist. Good job, brain continue being that crazy ass self of yours.
“Good question, DT. I had to. She and Time Turner were just casualties of misplaced anger. I was forced to shoot them. All will be made clear once we start our little group therapy session.”
Sweetie Belle raised her hand. She was the class president and she had a set of pipes on her that rivaled the likes of Sapphire Shores. Nice mental image. Sapphire Shores, Scootaloo, and Sweetie menage a trois. Mmm. Now that’s a good way to get off. Oops gotta actually care about this.
“When can we go?”
“I dunno. Later.”
“But Rarity will kill me for being late!”
Scootaloo laughed. “Your sister is so uptight that she’ll be happy to get you out of her mane for a few hours.” Sweetie Belle stared at her marefriend. Lover’s quarrel, bitches. Oh Celestia!
Applebloom shushed her friends. Laughed rang out through the entire class. Except for one. Diamond Tiara just had that little smile that unnerved me just enough to want to put a bullet in her brain. She was playing her own game. Why did he want this to end? A trophy? No, too tacky. Undying love from the town? Nice, but her family could just pay ponies to love them. Her profile was a quiet one, always staying in the shadows and controlling minds with favors. She was the only mare I knew to drop out of cheerleading by not giving a fuck- but she held secrets that I wanted to probe into. Her reasoning for quitting was just that it wasn’t her style. I respected that part of her but there was something lurking in her mind.
“Are you crazy?” Rumble asked.
“I might be. Anypony who kills another out of rage is in my book. I fit the bill.”
“Maybe you should get help.” I just looked at Rumble like he was stupid. Silver Spoon cut in.
“And have Head Case ask her about her sex life? I had to go last year and all he did was look between my legs and drool. It was really creepy.”
“Not that you’ve had any.” Diamond was on the attack. I just sat and watched.
“Bitch please. I’ve had more sex than you.” Diamond growled and began to rise out of her seat. I just pointed the gun at her and she slumped in her chair.Silver Spoon grinned and crushed her cigarette under her hoof.
Outside, even more guards were coming. They converged on the place like bees on a flower. Shining Armor must have wanted to go home and screw his succubus wife. I looked to see if I was true. He just had a nervous sway from one hoof to another. It was annoying.
“Is this because you beat up Theoretical Proof?”
“How should I know? If I knew I wouldn’t be doing this?” I yelled at nopony in particular but they got the hint.
Applebloom of all ponies spoke up. “Its your parents.” DT and I both tensed up. “Its always the parents.” Applebloom surprised me. She wasn’t a pony that normally talked in class. She usually just took a lot of notes and studied hard. She only spoke when she had to; she relied on her natural intelligence to be good at tests. She had started working at the Acres a few years ago and her body radiated that strength that years of hard work gave a pony. She could have gone to Canterlot U but she was stuck in a life that she disliked as much as me. We had swapped dreams once when we were little. She wanted to be an inventor while I wanted to be a. . .I don’t remember what I wanted to be. Maybe the shock therapies have fucked with my past a bit. Sometimes I have dreams where I didn’t kill Time Turner and Cheerilee and those are fantastic because my cousin and her family would let me be part of their life and I was happy. Then I wake up.
“My parents” I wanted to tell them about the hunting trip and my father’s words about the Buffalo Ear Job but that was too gruesome for the moment.
I looked at Tiara and I hit the jackpot. She was staring at Bloom so hard that she could have caught ablaze on just the stare alone. She was ready to pounce. All her muscles were tensed and she dragged a pencil in a groove in her desk made by a pat student. I saw her pencil break in fury. Show and tell was ready to begin.
“That’s what I read at least.” Applebloom was not paying attention at all. “Of course. . .” She then noticed that nopony else was talking and she trailed off in fear of looking too smart. My cousin never did like to brag. She looked at the floor and began to whisper something.
“My parents” I saw the tent that the hunting trip began in, I saw my father’s disembodied head laughing at my failure, I saw the tight tent straps. (My father loved a tight strap on a tent. It was just one of his order rules. I fell into his box titled Mistakes .)
I hadn’t talked about any of this with Head Case. I wanted to vent. I wanted to help. . .Diamond with her problems. She was as wound up as me and I was ready to blow. I knew that she didn’t want to be here It was too late for me, but it wasn’t for her.
Story time. Time to get it on.
My parents met in a back alley in Manehattan. At least that’s what I figured out when I grew up. It must have been when my father got tired of his legally married life and just began to search for pleasure in his life. My life began nine months later. I had always wondered why I looked different than my sister Sunstar. Then came the day where our new maid entered into my life. She was my mother. It was right before he took me on my one hunting trip.
My family life was tense after she entered into the mathematical equation known as my childhood. Valencia used to be nice to me; but after she noticed that I looked almost identical to the maid- well, let’s just say that she almost left my father for his infidelity. This just caused me to get closer to my mother. Her name was Minute Maid and I loved her with all my heart. She would tell me of lands far across the sea where she had come from and filled my head with tales of powerful knights and princesses. It calmed me down.
Then she told me that I was a special filly and I shouldn’t believe all the rumors that the others servants spread about her. They had said that she was only there to take care of me and that I was an illegitimate child. Because I was so young I didn’t understand what they meant then; I do now and maybe that was something that made me do what I did. Yes, I shot those two ponies because of what some no-name servants said about my whore mother. The sheer stupidity of that statement just made me bleed internally.
Then she told me that we were related. You don’t know how happy I was that she told me that I had a good reason as to why I felt different than anybody else in the manor. She and I were inseparable. Whenever she was cleaning some shit I was listening to her stories. Everything was perfect. Until I awoke one night and heard the Creaking Thing again.
My earliest memory was of the Creaking Thing. Once I woke up in my darkened room; light poured in through my blinds and painted shadows on my walls. My floor that had some creaky boards was completely terrifying. I thought that a monster was creeping stealthily towards the head of my bed to gobble me up. I didn’t move a muscle at all. I wanted to stay as silent as possible so as to survive the night. I waited and waited and waited. But nothing happened. I eased a hoof down to my floor and walked down to where the Creaking Thing was coming from. I stopped right in front of my parents door. (This was before the maid entered into the picture.) I took a look inside and got a face full of my father and his wife going at it hard core. I didn’t know what to think. My parents were in the room where the Creaking Thing was coming from and they looked radiant. That was the first time I ever touched my mound.
It was a weird first time. Getting off on seeing your parents (or at least who you thought were your parents) bump uglies and like it. Yeah, see why I worship my Filth? Well I was furiously trying to masterbate right then and there even though I was completely inexperienced and just ran my hoof in circles around my slit. Looking back, it was a complete mess cause when I found my g-spot I almost cried out in ecstasy from the shock that came from my honeypot. Thank Celestia I stifled it because that would have been awkward.
I don’t know why I just shared that memory but this is show and tell so...I guess it makes sense.
Back to the second time I heard the Creaking Thing. It wasn’t like the first time I heard it since my father and his now estranged wife (nearly, I still don’t know how they’re still married. Who’s the crazy ones?) slept in completely different bedrooms. Valencia had started to bring home rich friends to fuck on the weekends. I saw a cavalcade of colorful rich ponies enter into her chambers. Her personal chambers were all the rage in Manehattan. I only realize now that my father still hasn’t killed her for doing that. Probably because he was so embarrassed that his wife had made his friend’s jest come true in front of his eyes.
So my father started banging my mother yet again. At least she was a pro about it. She had had years of practice on the streets of Manehattan and Celestia knows where else giving stallions a pleasurable ride for a few bits. She was rolling in the bits when compared to the beggars that I saw everyday when I stared down at the alleyways from my room. Their gaunt faces were badges of honor gained through years of sleeping outside in the cold. Their belongings were just what they could carry. Most of them wore rags since the Manhattan winters were so cold and snow-filled that the new hobos that weren’t ready died in droves. The hobo: the definition of survival of the fittest.
So color me unsurprised when I followed the Creaking Thing for the second time in my life and found my mother, Minute Maid, giving a blowjob to my father. I just stood there and watched the motions go down. A few minutes of this and that. A momentary lull in the action cause my father was out of breath. And randomly my father tensed up and orgasmed all over her face. Meh. I had seen better jobs in movies and I knew those were fake. I learned that the Creaking Thing was sex. And that sex could be really boring if your partner had no staying power.
Nopony had got the point of that story. They had wanted to know about my parents and so I told them part of the sordid affair. Some took it better than others. Applebloom was smiling because she had been right, but her eyes were full of sadness. Most of the others were embarrassed and were looking around the room; their eyes tried to never meet mine in fear of what I could do to them. Wow, they still were indoctrinated enough so even the mention of sexual prowess creeped them out. I felt like an anarchist, destroying the natural order and creating chaos. Nopony wanted to speak and the bell buzzed out its warning to get up and go to the next waystation of knowledge. They still were machinery on an assembly line and I was the terrorist that stopped the production. I felt fantastic. I looked down at Cheerilee. Her one remaining eye stared up at me. She looked like the deer carcass that my father had killed on the hunting trip. Her smile had frozen permanently on her face in rigor mortis. Her corpse judged me and I watched a fly crawl upon her muzzle. I tried to brush it off but it just buzzed around the room. It would be back and I knew it would make the dead teacher part of its daily meal. Outside, a crowd had gathered. I saw ponies that I had seen around town. A few colts and fillies had come back with their parents to see the fun, fun, fun. Fuck these ponies and their crowds. I had to deal with musical numbers on a weekly basis. In the beginning it was fun but it soon devolved into me running the other way when I felt the music in me. I wiped the sweat from my brow and looked at Tiara. She stared back and lifted her hooves in a double fuck you measure. Her lips moved silently: Fuck you. We had our little secret and she probably wanted to be the one in power but I let it go for now. Story time.
It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)
I have hated my dad for as long as I can remember.
That sounds like the most idiotic statement that I could say since shooting a few ponies but it is true. The adults make this excuse that they are making the next generation better by being tough on the young kids; but it is just a lie. At least I think so. We made the I hate my parents shtick be as ridiculous as possible. I killed my parents? I take drugs? I am a sex addict? On and on the blame game goes. I think that you have a conscious decision to commit evil- even if like me you have a little crazy to back up that insanity.
So I hate my dad? At least its true. He didn’t even realize how much I hated him until I stood up for myself after I brained Theoretical Proof to the brink of Elysium.He knew then and he turned away from me in disgust. I had done that years ago.
To my father, life was a lottery. All down to chance. He knew the odds before it was even public knowledge. Oranges down on the stock market? Lie through your teeth and say everything is fine- even when true gangsters try to stop your business because of some back taxes. Fucking a whore? Make her your maid and raise your illegitimate child in the lap of luxury. Etc. Come up with your own examples, I am not a metaphor guru.
I was the bad lotto ticket.
Dad always hid his true emotions. When his friends came over, he always put on a mask of complete and utter calm. Everything had to go his way. He told a story to me once while he was drunk. Applejack came to Manehattan one summer and he wanted to die. Why? Because it wasn’t part of his plan. He put on a face though. He could fake being nice but he wanted her to leave. He was happy when she left his house with her cutie mark.
He celebrated her leaving with my conception.
He worked in Manehattan as a banker. Not one of those small time bankers; he controlled a good portion of the city’s funds and ponies went to him to make loans. He dealt with the mafia, prostitutes, drug lords, the whole black market. Just because he could. He became Arancio Fortunato in ,their circles. I guessed it once and he looked terrified because I knew his secret. There’s only so many Oranges in Manehattan. I followed him once to a drug deal and I saw more money being traded than I knew what to do with. Yeah, Lucky Orange my hoof. Moseley Orange was corrupt. I wanted to be different than my father and look where that vow has gotten me.
No, it all started with one day when I was little. I had this nagging idea that I should break a few windows cause I was bored. Boredom is like a small worm that eats away at your morals;before this I would never break a window. After- well- I am locked up for a reason. Well, It was a nice fall day, the leaves had just changed to browns, reds, and oranges and the smell of fall hit my nose full blast. Birds were leaving for the winter and I could smell the pies baking on oven racks everywhere. The farmer’s market near my house had its last gathering and it was closing up shop when I had this idea.
I sat perfectly still watching the carts full of farmers walk quietly back to their homes. Dad was somewhere. Somewhere far off on our property and my mother was humming some tune that I didn’t know. I liked the tune and I sat listening to my mother’s voice carry on the wind. She could sing only when both Valencia and my father were both out of the house. I dreamed that if she hadn’t been on the streets she could have being a singer of some repute. But she only had me as an audience on this fall day.
I sat and played Quiet and watched the carts roll on. Some carts were racing into the wilderness to hunt like my father did a few years before with me in tow. I listened to my mother singing without a care in the world. A bird flew down and searched for food. I loved how the birds could fly anywhere on a wing and a prayer. The birds were my role models. I didn’t have friends; I had acquaintances. Was I lonely? Maybe, maybe not.
And then I wanted to break all the windows. I didn’t feel like getting back at my father. That wasn’t even a thought of mine at all. I was young and I wanted to break some windows. Nothing more, nothing less.
I started hunting for rocks. Any kind of rocks: big ones, jagged ones, round ones, shiny ones. I wanted to fill my arsenal with ammo that would break as many windows as possible. I started daydreaming about me in a traveling show juggling rocks. Whenever I would seem to lose one, two more rocks would take its place. By the end of my daydream, I was juggling a few dozen rocks as my adoring fans stared on in wonder.
I broke out of my reverie and began causing terror and mayhem to the glass panes that looked at me funny. Since they didn’t have any eyes I just broke them cause I was bored. My mother was oblivious as I rampaged around. The crash and faint tinkle of glass shards falling in our mansion was like bells ringing in a heavenly choir. Sooner or later I knew I was going to be caught. It was just one of those certainties of life. Chaos could only exist for so long and then Order would have to come and smack some sense into it.
I felt a strong hoof upon my shoulder and I turned and saw my father’s face lit up with fiery vengeance. He had wanted the windows up today because winter was coming and we needed new windows. And I just broke every window in a good sized plot of land. He gripped me in his hooves and shook me while angrily blowing steam trails out from his muzzle. I began to quake in fear as I started to lose consciousness from my loss of air. Suddenly he stopped. I could only see a hint of my mother’s rust colored mane as she began to scream.
I collapsed in a heap when Moseley finally stopped choking me.”You shouldn’t have broken those windows. Cause I have had a really, really bad day and this was the final straw.” He spat out those words with venom dripping off each syllable. I slumped to the ground as I tried to regain the lungfuls of air that had so rudely left me. Coughing, I stood and noticed that I was bleeding. Looking back, I must have cut myself when I broke the windows.
My mother rushed up to me and started planting kisses all over my cuts, scrapes, and bruises. I started feeling a bit better as she glared daggers into my father. He didn’t give a shit though. He had just gotten off of work and had wanted to relax and I mucked all that up.
“Moseley, don’t hurt our daughter. I don’t think she meant to. Didn’t you, sweetie?” I just trembled as I saw my father’s face contort with rage. He knew that he was in a bind and since the lady of the house was out, ponies would gossip about the spectacle of him yelling at his mistress with their lovechild hiding her face. Or they would see him berating the maid since most ponies didn’t know that he was being an adulterous stallion in the eyes of the Princesses.
“Well if you weren’t so nice to the foal, she would learn some true manners and not break windows!”
“We’ll talk about this later. . .” My mare or the night turned maid of a mother tried to push me inside when she noticed that the commotion of the yelling had brought their neighbors ears to their juicy problem.She wiped my tears and kissed my forehead as we both entered the house.
That made everything better. It dulled the ache of my muscles and took the hurt away. Nopony knows the true power a mother has over the scrapes and bruises of childhood. One nuzzle and a few loving kisses and you feel like you could do anything.
“Thanks mommy.” I quietly said. She just knew what I meant. And we had hot chocolate and we talked. About hopes, dreams, fears, and how sorry I was.” And actually for one of the only times in my life, I was truly sorry.
And it was all perfect until the night.
***
“Minute Maid, you know that I want to do better for Babs. . .”
“Next time she’ll break more than windows. If we don’t do something. . .”
So now you’re blaming me for what you did years ago? I remember you wanted money, , ,”
So what if I hurt her? That just teaches her a kesson?
“Well buck you too then. Next time that she does something like that you’ll be out of this nice job.”
I just heard my mother crying while my father went on and on. I just knew that the next day she was wearing makeup. A lot of heavy makeup. And in my childlike naivete, I started calling those days “Pretty Days.” Once I complimented my mom on how pretty she looked and she began to cry tears of joy.
Only later did I learn that she wasn’t.
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