Friendship is Volatile

Locks felt like his mind was turning into a lifeless mass of goop as his head thumped against the table top.

"Come on Locks! It's not that bad. You just have to remember the hierarchy structure of runes and the functionality cycle of multiple deployments!"

Twilight was by far the best teacher he ever had the privilege learning under. She played to his strengths, modified her explanations into things he could easily grasp, and propelled him into the moderate and murky level of runic enchantments within four hours of continuous study. If it wasn't for her there wouldn't be any way in hell he could possibly hope to make his little toys, but regardless of how good she was his brain simply couldn't take anymore in.

This was the fourth time she attempted to explain the tricky interactions of certain runes and the methods of laying the foundation on which more complex triggers could function to create a desired effect, but his brain just couldn't hold anymore in. That and the gut wrenching noise his stomach made along with a stab of hunger pains was enough to bar any further information without first finding food.

"We're going to need a check list of the things you can eat! Since its already pretty late the market is close to shutting down for the day, so tomorrow our second priority is getting you things to eat at the library."

".......Do I want to know what the first priority is?"

"Checking your homework silly!"

"WHAT THE FUCK! EVERYTHING WE'VE DONE IS WORK FROM HOME!"

"What kind of teacher would I be if I didn't assign homework?!"

"One that I would love unconditionally?!"

"Awwwww, I'm ok with you just liking me Locks!"

The fucking purple fiend.... He couldn't recall loving and hating someone in such equal measures as Twilight, but she was his teacher after all. Groaning at the prospect of mind crushing homework he eventually relented to her prodding hooves, coaxing him out of the chair and into motion. After collecting some money for where ever they were going she was still prodding him until they were outside in the cooling evening air.

"You're just grumpy because your tummy's growling! Just like spike when he misses his snack time."

"Where is the little lizard bro? I haven't seen him around much today."

"Oh! He's at Rarity's boutique helping her out."

"He fancies her doesn't he?"

"And how did you know that?"

"The way he looks at her. I hope I'm around to give him the proper man talks he'll need when he gets older."

"And what makes you think I can't educate him?!"

"Same reason you ran away when I asked about Estrous."

Oh how the purple one was due for a bit of fun after today's little incident. Twilight had a lovely shade of red coloring her cheeks even if she was all huffy.

"I swear to Celestia if you corrupt my Spike..."

"Twilight, I have a penis. With such distinction I am required to pass on certain crucial knowledge to the younger generation when the time comes. This isn't to corrupt, make fun of, or otherwise give him a hard time... hahahahaha hard time..... Its mostly to prevent him from making the same mistakes I made when I was at that age."

"What could you possibly teach Spike that I couldn't just because you're a guy."

"Awkward Boners."

".............."

"Go ahead Twilight Sparkle. Please explain how one should deal with public erections. Remember now, a guy only has a few seconds before someone notices Mr. happy and proceeds to completely humiliate the poor soul."

"..........................."

"How about if I'm walking down the street like I am now? Do you know how long it takes to pop a hard on? Sometimes about a minuet if your lucky, but most of the time? About 10-15 seconds if your staring at a female. Now a woman you're into? Maybe 5 seconds....."

"................"

"So how would you explain it to young spike, who has a crush on Rarity, who he sees often, how exactly he should deal with a boner having only seconds to act and praying that no one has already spotted him? Lets not forget he doesn't wear cloths, making things twice as difficult."

"Ok! Ok! Fine! I get it! Just don't completely ruin him with your vulgarity!"

"That takes care of itself when puberty hits, so no worries there."

"Jeeze... I didn't think it was that big of a deal."

"Have you ever seen a guy with a public boner? Its probably one of the most humiliating things in the world besides getting caught masturbating. Oh! Gotta explain that one too. It's very important knowing when to do it and when to hold out, otherwise you'll probably walk in on him spanking the snake."

"Enough! Please I don't need those mental images!"

Serves the purple cretin right for giving homework. Even after a few minuets of quite walking Twilight seemed to be in deep thought before she murmured an almost inaudible question.

"How.... How do guys..... Deal with that...."

"Very carefully Twilight... Very carefully....."

Their walking finally took them to a nice looking outdoors restaurant that had more than a few groups murmuring at the tables and some familiar faces occupying a particularly large round one. Pinkie, Applejack, and Fluttershy were already seated, but from an adjacent street they spotted Rarity and Dashie walking up as well with a saddle bag slung over their backs. He smiled slowly when he noticed the two of them talking in a conspiring kind of way.

Rarity had done some work on Dashie while they were away, and the mare in question had a very distinct sheen to her coat and hair. With the sun going down it caught the light enough to make it noticeable from a distance, and as they got closer he could see she was also wearing eyeliner but nothing else. Oddly enough she didn't need anything else, otherwise it would look like she was trying too hard.

The little turds had some sneaky smiles on when they caught sight of them, but before either could spring whatever plan they had he decided to act first. Walking up to the pair with a coy smile of his own he leaned down and cupped Dashie's cheeks, speaking loud enough for the rest of them to hear.

"Have I told you you're beautiful today lover?"

Whatever the two serpents had planned might have gone flying out the window with how badly the pegasus was blushing and the a gasp from Fluttershy, along with some snorts and giggling from Pinkie and Applejack. Locks could see it in her eyes as plain as day. Dashie wanted to hit him, jump him, strangle him, or some combination of the three, but she was fighting it.

"You've done a fabulous job Rarity. Her coat feels like satin and that eyeliner makes those precious peepers stand out magnificently."

"Why darling, what ever do you mean?"

When Dashie finally did knock his hands away he leaned down and kissed the little junction between her left ear and head, inhaling deeply and smiling all the more as he turned around and pulled the chairs out for each of them to sit.

"I mean Dashie looks stunning, and she smells heavenly to boot. Besides, its a gentleman's duty to compliment a lady when she takes the time to look her best."

"How very rude of you Mr. Locks! I spend quite a bit of time making myself look presentable and I have yet to hear a compliment!"

Taking the unicorns hoof in his right hand he gently patted the top with his left, assuming on a more soothing voice before replying.

"It would be redundant to constantly say the same thing my dear Rarity. To clear things up between us though.... You look fabulous, you've always looked your best since the day we've met, and it is my solemn wish you remain as lovely as you are."

"Oh.... Oh my....."

With a kiss to her hoof Locks moved to his own seat to the sound of Pinkie's giggling, Applejack's whistling, and Dashie's gagging.

"Well I'll be darned. I didn't think ya had it in ya Locks!"

"It is nothing at all Applejack. I can be very civil when I want to be."

"You sure about that sugarcube? It can't be easy puttin an act like that up all the time."

"It comes in streaks then dies away. So am I missing something here or are we having an intervention? Has Fluttershy been at the kegs again?"

"What the hay is a keg? Don't you be hurtin Flutters feelins now critter, she ain't hurt no one."

"Never mind, lost joke is lost."

Twilight was the one who cleared her throat officially and garnering the tables attention, but lucky for him she was immediately interrupted by the waitress for orders. The peculiar thing was a small portion of the menu with the header "Gryphons" and a few dishes he couldn't make heads or tails of.

"What the hell is a gryphon and what are these dodads?"

Twilight opened her mouth once more, but surprisingly enough Fluttershy was the one who cut her off this time.

"Oh! That's the menu for some meat dishes for Gryphons... They're kinda like big birds but they have a nation northwest of us. I'm not sure if you can eat anything there... but from top to bottom is fish, chicken, and some kind of forest boar not from around these parts."

"Huh... So I won't have to completely give up meat."

Of all the asinine things to do, and from the last person at the table it was Twilight who actually snapped her head around at him and said loudly enough for everyone and their grandma to hear.

"You're a predator?!"

Like a flock of sheep hearing a wolfs cry the ponies around his table were already staring at him wide eyed, but the locals from the entire restaurant around went silent with that comment and started fidgeting. He had honestly been hoping these ponies were some kind of mutants that ate meat somewhere just to make things a little easier on himself but no, here he was in the middle of a herd of ponies looking at him like he might just start chewing on one of their legs.

"Fuck my life....."

Slamming his hands down on the table Locks stood up and took a deep steadying breath before speaking, just loud enough to carry his voice to the other patrons but not quite loud enough to startle the already spooked ponies. Lifting his left fist up he raised a single finger.

"First off, yes I am a predator and I do eat meat. The appropriate term for my species is omnivore, or an animal who's diet consists of various plants and meat. Next is a simple concept among human's, we do not eat our own which is termed cannibalism. Such an act is considered abominable, disgusting, evil, and would very likely end with the death of that human. Cannibalism extends to anything we can have a conversation with."

Pointing at the waitress Locks gave the mare a small smile before continuing.

"What is your name my dear lady?"

"Qui... Quick Silver..."

"Well Miss Silver, I would like to order the second item on the gryphon menu to go please. While it is a part of a human's diet to eat meat, I would not do so in front of a host of individuals who are purely herbivores. I do not want to make you or any other pony around me sick regardless of how hungry I am. This is a courtesy I take upon myself to give, and ponies have been nothing but kind and generous to me since I've arrived and I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

The mare actually smiled happily before departing, leaving Locks to look around at the other ponies still adamantly listening.

"Lastly, humans do not need to eat meat often and can actually live their entire lives without doing so if they can find a suitable plant substitute, but since I am new to Equestria it will take some time to find those substitutes. I ask you to please bare with me until I can better acclimatize to this world."

With a pause for another deep breath Locks bowed left and right before continuing.

"I thank you for your patients with me and I apologize if I've frightened any pony present. The idea of ever eating another speaking being is both disgusting and extremely insulting so if you could please refrain from making such an accusation I would be very grateful for the consideration."

Finally taking his seat Locks rubbed his eyes tiredly, wanting nothing more than finding something to eat and sleeping he was surprised with how much chatter picked up around them. Looking about ponies were talking animatedly with each other, and somewhat embarrassingly a few of them walked up to the table holding slips of paper in their mouths or aloft with magic.

They were lists of every type of food imaginable, some specifically being lists that included plant substitutes for meats while others were more basic fare. Some still looked a little bit nervous, but most smiled happily and gave their ideas on dishes they knew of from a friend of a friend and so on.

"I fucking love ponies... They're decent peoples."

"And there it goes outta the window.... I was just about ta compliment ya on bein mighty civil."

"Really Mr. Locks.... You can be such a charming stallion, why can't you act like that all the time?"

"Because I'd kill myself. What the fuck woman?! I just prevented a panic and all I get is bitching in return!"

"It's because you have a potty mouth Mr!"

"At least I'm not pink!"

"What does that even mean?!"

"Fuck if I know. It sounded right in my head."

There were collective groans and face hooves all around the table, and with his own face palm Locks waved Quick Silver over and spoke in a voice that carried around enough to be easily heard.

"You know what? Before anything else I'm going to see if the booze here is going to kill me. Whatever you've got on tap miss Silver."

"Buck YEAH! Your first round's on me bro!"

"You're now my favorite pony! Whoever you are!"

The sound of Twilight's head slamming into the table only made him smile all the more. Fuck doing homework he was getting hammered even if it killed him.