Chapters In the Event of Teleporting to a New World, Please Maintain Friendship, and a Sense of Sarcasm
Parker trotted alongside the path of Ponyville's park, furious at his recent physical transformation. "Gah, I can't believe I'm a fucking pony"! He shouted to no one in particular, he was actually glad that the ponies that WERE around, were few in numbers at least and most seemed to be occupied with doing whatever it is that "gay-ass little ponies" do all day. His peace was soon interrupted when a light green pony trotted along-side him clearly happy about something. "What do you want"? Parker grunted at his new companion. The other pony simply went around in front of Parker, cutting him off. "Parker, we're ponies now, isn't this awesome beyond all reason"? Recognizing the voice, Parker adjusted his tone for his audience "Sup, faggot"? Parker refused to call Corbin by his name, at least not right now when he was standing here in front of him as a stupid horse. Parker did, however, point an accusing hoof right into Corbin's chest "You did this. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but you are going to make this shit stop as soon as fucking possible". Parker was not happy, not in the slightest bit. This was the sort of rage induced by serious personal issues, Parker was not about to make any light-hearted jokes here.
In response, Corbin spread his wings and began to flap them gracefully, taking flight and hovering off of the ground. He held his to front hooves to his heart and spoke to Parker "I swear, I had absolutely nothing to do with this". Parker was clearly not pleased with the response given and had a few words to say about these ponies if he were not appeased. "Look, shit-for-brains, I am a pony now. I do not want to be a pony. I do not like ponies. Now fix this before I FUCKING TURN GAY"! This, Corbin noted, attracted a lot of unwanted attention, and it had to stop. Calming down Parker didn't seem to be the greatest idea, but a non-violent solution would probably look better in the eyes of any Equestrian citizens.
"Look, Parker, you need to calm down, we can fix this but..." Parker re-exploded (Or exploded twice, if you will) "WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN?! THAT"S THE WORST THING YOU COULD SAY TO SOMEONE WHO'S FREAKING OUT"!
"Fine, shut up, then"!
"YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU ACTUALLY..."
Here, Corbin thought quickly, OBVIOUSLY the approach he was taking currently wasn't working, so there was only one option. Secure with the knowledge that his friend was as weak as a bendy-straw, Corbin struck him in the back of his bald head, knocking him out instantly.
The ponies that had gathered around the spectacle now had mouths agape, and were still trying to process what, exactly, just unfolded before their very eyes. Corbin, luckily, worked quickly with a cover-up and put on a big, cheesy smile. "Heheh. Umm, bad mushrooms".
In the Event of Teleporting to a New World, Please Maintain Friendship, and a Sense of Sarcasm
"Look, I just don't see why I have to come with you" Parker put his hoof to his mouth and took a bite out of the apple he was eating. "I mean, ponies are your thing, why should I care if I fuck it up"? Corbin sighed looking at Parker, about to say something when he noticed the apple. "Where'd you get that"? "At the apple cart over there" Parker simply pointed in the direction he referenced.
"Okay, how'd you get it"?
"I asked for it"
"Without any bits"?
Parker just laughed "Oh right, that! Yeah, I went up to the orange horse, showed her how skinny I was and she, taking me for starving, gave me a free apple" Corbin looked distraught for a minute, then shook himself from it "Okay, fine, just, what else did you do when I left you alone for five minutes"? Parker threw the apple over his shoulder and put a hoof to his chin, sitting down "Well, let's see, after enduring some unfavorable comments from the orange horse about my mane and tail, or lack thereof, I decided I was bored and wanted to be not-bored" Corbin placed a hoof on his face and let out a long sigh "So you did what"? Parker smiled, continuing "Well, so I went up to the little ginger yellow hor... er, pony. She was eating ice-cream and I thought 'How can I fuck this up'? So, I took up some dirt, and when she wasn't looking I sprinkled the dirt on her ice cream. When she turned around I commented something about how I like chocolate sprinkles, too. Then, as I was walking away, I got an ass mark." Corbin just stared at Parker. "Hold on. A few things. First, I think that's the longest I've ever heard you speak without directly insulting me..."
"Shut up you homosexual imbecile"
"...secondly, you're telling me you met, stole from, and ruined a treat of the apple family all on the same day..."
"It's been a productive day"
"...and to top it all off, you got your cutie mark already"? Parker flinched at hearing the word "Ugh, soooo gaaaaaaay" Corbin rolled his eyes as he walked around to look at Parker's emblazoned flank. Yup, it seemed about right. Parker's cutie mark was perfect for him. It was the image of a balloon about to be popped by a needle. Corbin looked at Parker "I couldn't have come up with something better for you myself" Parker just threw his head back in utter boredom "Oh God, whatever, can we just do something not-gay"? Corbin smiled "How about coming up with your pony name"?
"NO, I said 'not-gay', remember"?
"Look Parker, we have human names, and that will just not do. Pony names are complicated. I hypothesize that ponies have a magical glimpse into their child's future upon the child's birth allowing them to name them accordingly, so, since we are not pony-born, we don't have that advantage of getting to know our special talents beforehand, or rather beforehoof, but YOU do have your special talent. So, what do you want to be called"?
"Can I be called 'Parker'"
"Pranky Pie it is"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, it's not even original"!
"How do you know that"?
"My cousin forced me to watch it, remember"?
"Oh, yeah"
The two just sat there, not wanting to revive the dead conversation. It was then that Parker saw the effects of his actions (though whether he regretted them or not is debatable). There, charging straight towards him, was the country hick, he knew, and he could tell she was NOT happy. "So, Corbin, how are you at running"? Corbin looked over absentmindedly "I run pretty well, why"?
"Because we should run, like, right now"! Corbin observed the charging Applejack and quickly snapped to attention "Okay, so you are not going to outrun her, but, umm, what if, uh, YOU'LL THANK ME LATER"!!!
"WAIT, WHAT THE FUUUuuuuck"!?!?
And with that Corbin grabbed Parker and flew up into the air to the nearest cloud, all the while Applejack yelling at the duo.
In the Event of Teleporting to a New World, Please Maintain Friendship, and a Sense of Sarcasm
Formal Challenges and Informal Arguments
As Corbin sped into the air, Parker in his hooves, he focused on the cloud that was his intended destination. Making a final effort, he heaved Parker up onto the cloud, pulling himself onto the cloud to catch his breath. His rest lasted only a moment when he heard the wild screams of a plummeting Parker, and looked over the edge just in time to see him not but five feet from the ground. Then, just as gravity was ready to serve up some Parker pancakes, he was quickly whisked away, a visible trail of the light spectrum the only evidence of his savior.
When Corbin lowered himself onto the streets of Ponyville, he was acutely aware of Parker's scolding.
"How dare you do that to mah sister! And after I gave you free apples!..." Parker halted her sentence with a raised hoof, "Actually, you only gave me one apple, and I was reeeeeaaally hungry"
"Consarn it! You have no right to go about doing that to ponies, it's not even funny, it's just cruel"
"What if it happens to be my" Parker shuddered "my cutie mark"? Applejack blinked somewhat confusedly "I'm sorry, what now"?
Parker pointed at his flank with conviction "See? My ass tattoo says I'm good at being a dick to people"! Corbin interrupted before the two could continue their argument "I'm terribly sorry, Applejack, how much to buy Apple Bloom a new ice cream"? Applejack sighed, giving up the argument with Parker "The ice cream only cost two bits, but to be honest the ice cream ain't what bothers me it's the... hold on a minute, do I know you"? Corbin smiled at the farm girl, not in spite, or worry, it was a nice, warm smile "Nope"! Applejack was more than a little confused (and possibly worried,I mean you just don't know, there are some creepy ponies out there) "Now hold on a minute, how do you know me and mah sister"? Corbin maintained an air about him as though the question was a fairly simple one asked to him by a four-year-old child. "I guess I just know a lot of things".
"Can I just say: DID YOU GUYS SEE HOW INCREDIBLY AWESOME I WAS BACK THERE"?!?! Rainbow Dash dove in the middle of the group only to pull up at the last minute. "He was all like 'aaaaaaaahhhhhh' and I was was like 'zzzzeeeeeoooowww' and I saved him RIGHT before he hit the ground" Parker leaned over to Corbin nonchalantly whispering "She's the lesbian, right"? Corbin pulled away, both shaking his head and rolling his eyes. Unfortunately for Corbin, THIS was the part that Rainbow Dash saw, and she quickly went to her own aid "Hey, buddy, if you think saving your friend was so easy, why didn't YOU do it"? Corbin thought for a moment, and then pieced together what he thought was an appropriate response "I didn't want to" Rainbow Dash stopped, not expecting that response, then resumed her adrenaline-induced (and maybe more than a little pride-induced) outdoor voice. "Oh yeah? So then you could have saved him if you wanted to, huh"? Corbin smiled, looking her dead in the eyes, "Faster. Than. You." It was here that our Rainbow Dash proceeded to laugh uncontrollably. Whether it was genuine entertainment or a rage-induced psychosis is up for the reader to venture and guess. Nonetheless, Corbin was only disheartened a little bit, the lack of a smile on his face the only evidence thereof, and he simply turned around and walked away. Parker, hating Corbin the least of the ponies gathered here, followed Corbin, the two talking about something about gold, or perhaps the stock-markets (the duo were, to be sure, an interesting pair). When Rainbow Dash saw that her new mortal enemy had just taken up to leaving her awesome presence, she decided she would follow them, actively insulting both. She said some awfully rude things I'm sure, but our heroes had heard worse (for they were from a terrifying land called Michigan! Never heard of it? The maybe you've heard of Detroit! Yeah, they were like an hours drive away, though I guess Parker was A: from Florida and B: French-Canadian, but Corbin was born and raised, brotha) and endured Rainbow Dash's ridicule, paying her almost no mind. Rainbow Dash grew furious, stopping her self in front of them, wings spread so as to block the possibility of the two just walking around "Fine! You say your so fast? Then how about we race on it?! Winner is the fastest pony in Equestria". Corbin looked at Parker, waiting for him to respond. Parker, being helpful as he was, simply shrugged as though someone was asking whether he wanted Dr. Pepper or Mountain Dew. Corbin looked at Rainbow Dash and answered gracefully "You see, the thing is. I'm more of an endurance guy, and, like, sometimes I can put on a burst of speed, but then I've got to catch my breath. So, I mean, we can race but, like, I'm not saying I'll win" Rainbow Dash stared at him for a minute. Then burst, once again, into an uncontrollable laughter, not recovering till well after the two were out of her line of sight.
"So," Parker started, hoping Corbin would just forget that all that had been caused by who he figured was by far the greatest intellect of this world "what are you gonna do for a job"? Corbin scratched his chin with his right hoof pondering the question before actually answering. "Well, I figured I could get a job in weather stability here in Ponyville. Clearly that's not gonna work out. So I'm fresh out, you got any ideas"? Parker just yawned, clearly exhausted from the eventful havoc he'd antagonized. "Why don't you just do some prostitution work so that we can get some money for somewhere to sleep tonight"? Parker stopped himself "Or you could just sweep someone's house like the little bitch that you are". Corbin sighed, also tired but less willing to bounce insults back and forth with Parker just yet. "No there will be no prostitution, I don't even know if they do that here. But I do have an idea that will get us a room for the night..." Parker smiled mischievously "...legally" Parker removed his grin, and followed Corbin away into the market of Ponyville.
In the Event of Teleporting to a New World, Please Maintain Friendship, and a Sense of Sarcasm
"Ugh, I have a fucking headache. MOM! I NEED SOME ASPIRIN OR SOME SHIT"! Parker went to rub his head, stopping when he realized he was raising a hoof.
"Ugh, right, I'm a living cartoon now" Parker finally took in his surroundings, noticing that the room he was in was not unlike a hospital room. Hearing the clip clop of another entity coming down the hall, he turned his attention towards the entrance, fully expecting a doctor-like pony to enter the room.
When the other pony entered the room, he was not, in fact, wearing a pharmacist coat but was naked, it was a light green pegasus with a black mane and tale, his hair style, no, mane style was spiked only in the front and the whole air about him reminded Parker of someone he despised.
"Sup, faggot"? The other pony stopped, did a one syllable laugh, and smiled at him.
"How did you sleep, body-builder"? Parker pointed a hoof at him "Hey!...Fuck you" Corbin sighed. "Are you ready to hold an intelligent conversation yet" Parker just looked at Corbin "...maybe..."
Both humans-turned-ponies stopped when they realized that there was somepony at the door. The doctor looked at Parker warily saying "You should be fine to leave today, the mushroom must've left your system as quickly as it entered. Is there anything you need before you leave"? Parker looked at the doctor and smiled "Yeah, a house" hearing this, Corbin quickly went to work with a cover-up. "We just moved here and we're kinda broke" Parker pointed an accusing hoof at Corbin "He wasted all of our money on drugs" Corbin's left eye began to twitch "No... we dropped all of our bits when you got scared inside the Everfree Forest"
The doctor pony began to laugh, "It's no trouble at all! I'm sure my family wouldn't mind if you two stayed at our place for awhile" the doctor frowned "say where's your cutie mark"? Corbin hesitated with his short-lived time in Ponyville on the line. "Oh, there's just muck there! I really need to wash-up"! the doctor looked at him "But..." "Come on Parker, we're going job-hunting, right now "
And with that, Corbin swiftly pulled Parker out of the hospital bed and out the front doors.