Something was jabbing me in the side. More than that, I seemed to be laying on cold metal. I gave it a sniff and could smell iron. This was strange, as nobody really used iron for a lot of things anymore. At least, not pure iron.

But back on topic.

The thing jabbing me felt like a hoof, and it went from my shoulder to my side. Then stuck me again, right in the ribs.

I swatted it away with my own hoof, feeling rather annoyed that somebody was touching me. "Stop touching me, you prick," I mumbled. I mumbled this because for some reason I couldn't really feel my face. Or my body, or anything really. Then I remembered that my friends and I were viciously attacked by a crazy pony straight from a death metal album cover.

"Hey, she's awake!" said a loud- and obnoxious- voice close to my head.

I rose my head as best I could and blinked a few times to clear my eyes. As far as I could tell, I seemed to be in some kind of metal cage, within a cell, within a large padded room. Great... "I'm a man, you idiot." Really, can't they tell- oh wait, I was still a pony... Right...

A pink blur came in to view as my eyes cleared. It seemed to be wearing a wide smile and had bright blue eyes, but I couldn't tell much else besides that. "But you look like Applejack, and she's a she! So you must be a she too!" it yelled.

I glared at it an- "Ow! What the hell is wrong with you?!" I yelled, holding my hooves over my watering eye. "Why would you stick your hoof in my eye?! Are you fucking stupid?!"

The pony shrank back from me as I yelled. "Oh, I'm sorry. I was just trying to show you that you had Applejack's eyes, since you were using them."

I slammed my hoof against the bars, scaring her farther away from me. "You could have used a mirror, dumbass!"

"Hey!" yelled another voice

I swiveled my head around to see who had spoken to see a light blue pony with rainbow hair and wings.

She got right up against the bars and her wings were flittering around in anger. "Don't you go yelling a-"

"Ahahahahahaa!" I fell back on my backside and laughed loudly. When I got my breath back, I pointed my hoof at her and spoke. "You're a Gay Pride flag! A living Gay Pride flag! Ahaahaahaaa!"

It took her a second before she realized I was making fun of her, and when she did her head turn a slightly more red color as she looked at me with so much anger I could feel it. "I'm not a lesbian!" she screamed at me, shaking the cage with her hooves.

I laughed even more from her anger. "Sure, whatever you say Butch. I believe you."

Laughter from above me could be heard.

I looked up to see both of my friends in cages of their own hanging from the ceiling. But before I could call out to them, a voice made itself heard.

"Enough!" shouted a familiar voice.

Not even trying to contain my snickering, I watched as the big murder pony from before came up to my cage. "Howdy there," I greeted as she came withing a hoof's reach.

She was glaring at me coldly. "I do not know what kind of Changeling magic you are using, but I can assure you, you will be feeding from nopony in Equestria."

I blinked at her, not really sure what she was talking about. "What?"

Her glare intensified. "I know that you must be some kind of failed experiment from Chrysalis. How you were able to avoid my spells, I do not know. But I do know that you will answer my questions."

I pointed to the rainbow pony. "Why do you have a pet lesbian?"

I could hear her growling at me, but Celestia didn't take the bait I offered.

Celestia stepped closer to my cage. "What is your name?" she asked sternly.

I snorted. "Just call me the Doctor," I said in my best impression of the eleventh Doctor. Somehow, she didn't buy it.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, again, very sternly.

I shrugged my pony shoulders. "I have no fucking clue. One minute I was trying to save my game, then I was landing on my ass in that big room."

She raised a brow at me. "Your game?"

I nodded. "Yeah. You know, a game? Like Battlefield 4? CS:S? ArmA?"

She furrowed her brow. "I have never heard of any kind of games by those names. Especially 'Battlefield 4'. Tell me, what is that?"

I snorted. "It's exactly like it sounds: a battlefield. The whole game is just going around and killing everybody else. It can be pretty fun if you know how to play, but my computer can't run it."

"You kill ponies as a game? For fun?" she asked in a dangerous tone.

I shook my head. "No. We kill people. The same people I am, not stupid little ponies. If we had hooves we wouldn't be able to pull off head shots very well, now could we?"

The confusion was cleared off of her face and replaced by that familiar glare. "You're a Changeling, aren't you? You have hooves just like ponies do."

I rolled my eyes. "No, I'm not a Changeling thing. I'm a Shape Shifter at best."

Aaand the confusion was back. "A Shape Shifter? I fail to see the difference between that and a Changeling. Tell me, what does a Shape Shifter do?"

I leaned forward close to the bars. "We come in the night and steal away your children. Our Dark Lord bids us to feast upon their flesh, and sacrifice their virgin souls to Him. The more souls we gather, the more powerful we become."

Her eyes widened. "And how many have you taken?"

I pressed my face against the bars, running my tongue along my teeth. "Hundreds... I've been doing this for nearly eight hundred years, and still the flesh of youth brings me joy. It is truly a life worth living."

Her eyes were wide as she took in what I said. It wasn't until my friends both broke up in laughter that she realized I was screwing with her. "That isn't something to joke about."

I chuckled darkly. "Maybe to you it's not, but I find it fucking hilarious." I looked at her seriously. "But anyways, as much as I liked this, I would like it even more if you could send me home. Oh, them too," I said as I pointed up with a hoof.

The glare was replaced with a tired sort of look. "As much as I would like to, the portal you came through vanished some time ago. I have no idea where you came from or what you are, so I have no way of recreating your portal."

I would have punched her in the face if I could have. "You're joking, right? Please tell me you're joking."

She gave me a cold look. "I wish I was. But as it stands, you cannot return home, and I refuse to let you loose in my castle."

I scowled at her. "Well what the hell are we supposed to do until we can go home?! It's not like I brought any cards to play Solitaire to pass the time!"

She let a ghost of a smile touch her lips. "I was planning to let a few of my subjects keep you company while you wait."

I looked past her and saw six other ponies, all of them wary of me. I looked back at her. "No, I can't go home yet, that was the real part. This is the fucking joke. This is the joke, right?"

***

"For the last time, Pinkie, I'm a man!" I swear, that screwy pink horse was going to give me a heart attack. "It doesn't matter if I look like Applejack! I'm a man that took her model! A man! Male! I have a cock, not a cunt!"

The white one I came to call whinny McComplains-A-Lot scoffed at me. "Please! If you were truly a gentlecolt, you would know not to use that kind of language around a lady!"

I turned my glare to her. "You aren't a lady, you're an animal! A farm animal used for making glue and dog food!"

The rainbow one got in my face. At least, as best she could with bars in the way. Her name was Rainbow Dash, but I just called her Butch. "Hey, watch what you say to my friends buddy! Just because you're in that cage doesn't mean I can't kick your flank!"

I showed my teeth to her. "Go ahead Butch. Come in my cage and try to fight me. I'll show you exactly what'll happen if you do."

Applejack- the real one- came up and pulled Butch away by her tail. "C'mon sugar cube, he ain't worth the trouble."

I laughed. "Yeah butch, listen to your girlfriend! Just because I look like her doesn't mean I'm into you!"

Now both of them were at my cage, screaming at me to shut my mouth or threatening to cause me physical harm.

I waved my hoof at them. "Yeah, yeah, keep screaming. I'm sure the planet's oxygen supply'll keep you going for another few hours at this rate."

"This doesn't make any sense..."

I looked to Twilight Sparkle. Or, as I like to call her, Edward. "What are you mumbling about Edward? Did you figure out that Bella really doesn't love you?"

She gave me a quick glare before she returned to an inquisitive face, studying me with a mixture of tools she had brought with her from... somewhere. "Changelings are supposed to feed off of the love of others, yet all you do is cause everypony to hate you. The more anger you cause, the more active you are." She rubbed her chin with her hoof. "Are you some new breed of Changeling? One that learned to feed off of negative emotions?"

I rolled my eyes. "I already told you, I'm not a Changeling. I'm a Human. I'm a Human man that looks like a female pony impersonating another female pony on another planet with the same voice of when I was Human. Is it really that hard to understand?"

She looked back at her notes- her literal pile of them- and went back to humming in thought to herself.

I shook my head. "Do Changelings really feed on love?" I asked her.

She nodded without looking at me.

I shook my head tiredly. "Wow, no wonder you hate them. There must be like, hundreds of rape reports every year involving Changelings."

She snapped her attention back to me, wearing a disgusted look. "No! They feed on the love somepony feels for another pony that they're impersonating!"

I snorted. "Wow, that's fucking gay. How could you look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you have to love everything to live? I think I'd rather die."

Pinkie zoomed up to the bars, knocking Butch and Selfie- Applejack- away. "I love everything!"

I waved my hoof at her. "Yeah, but you're stupid." I looked at Edward again. "Say, why is rape so nasty to you? If they screw somebody that their host normally does, isn't that rape?"

She gave me another disgusted look. "No! There has never been a raping in Equestria! Ever! Doing something like that is... It's just wrong!"

I laughed. "Doesn't stop it from happening where I come from. Hell, that makes it more fun."

She looked at me in horror.

I tilted my head to the side. "Wait, you said it never happened before? Then how do you have a word for it? Isn't it impossible for something that doesn't exist to have a name?"

She looked away from me. "Just because it never happened before- and never will- the idea is still there. And in the absolutely zero percent chance that it ever does happen, we needed to know what it is. So Celestia and Luna came up with the word."

I let out a bark of laughter. "And it doesn't strike you as odd that they came up with it? The idea, and the word?"

She looked confused at this. "What do you mean?"

I chuckled darkly. "Isn't it odd that the ones who thought up the idea of fucking somebody who didn't want to go along with it and named it, also have the power to- Oh, I don't know, say for instance, remove any reports, evidence, and witnesses without anybody questioning them because of who they are? I mean, I think that's pretty convenient, but what do I know? I'm only the embodiment of dark and evil things. It's not like I could possibly see an opportunity for an abuse of powers like that. Oh no, certainly not."

Twilight took on a defensive look. "The princesses would never do that! They love all of their subjects and would never hurt them!"

I looked her in the eye. "Yes, I'm sure they show their love plenty. Tell me, what would happen if somebody were to accuse them of rape?"

Twilight took on a proud look. "A traitor would be sent to the dungeons."

I nodded. "Uh huh. And why would they be a traitor?"

Twilight looked at me smugly. "Because they have the nerve to accuse the princesses of something so horrible."

I nodded again. "Yeah, that's what I thought. And, say on the off chance that they did do that. What would happen to the pony?"

She looked angry. "They would nev-"

I held up a hoof. "Answer the question."

She gave me a cold look. "They would be held on trial so see if they were telling the truth."

I shook my head slowly. "No... You just said that if anybody said that they did that, they would be sent to the dungeons. So, you're sent to the dungeons. Would anybody try to find evidence to free you, or would they drop it?"

Twilight's hard look seemed to be cracking. "Uh, well no. The only ponies that would look in to royal affairs would be the two princesses."

I raised my brow at her. "And they would be so quick to admit to sexually assaulting one of their subjects. Yeah, I'm so sure."

Twilight bit her lip and looked away. "It would never happen. But... It does sound pretty bad when you say it like that..."

The door to the room opened and Celestia and a blue one walked in. Probably Luna. They strode up to me and leveled me with a glare. "You will stop poisoning my protege's head with your lies," Celestia said.

I scowled at her. "Pretty convenient that you happened to be within earshot of that." I looked at Twilight. "Eh, Edward?"

She looked away without saying anything.

I looked back to the two horsey rulers in front of my cage. "Are you here to let me out yet? Can I go home?"

The blue one shook her head. "No creature, you may not leave yet."

I scowled at her. "I 'may' do whatever the fuck I want. But the problem is that I 'can' not go home."

She glared at me even harder. "You will watch your tongue when speaking to us!"

I snorted a laugh. "I can't watch my tongue, it's inside my mouth."

"We can fix that," she threatened.

I leaned closer to her in my cage. "I'd like to see you try, bitch. Or will you try to rape me to death? Sorry to disappoint, but I don't fancy fucking a farmer's horse."

If this was an anime, a lightening bolt would have zapped between our eyes.

Celestia cleared her throat and lit up her horn. The two cages containing my friends were lowered down to my level. "Now, I came here to apologize for our first encounter. I would appreciate it if you and my sister could get along until I finished."

I rolled my hoof at her to go on.

She cleared her throat. "I-"

"Boring!" I yelled loudly. "You aren't forgiven. In fact, as long as I'm in this cage, every second that goes by is another reason to kill you. Very violently."

She used my own scowl on me. "If you tried, you would be stopped before you even did any damage."

I looked her in the eye. "Then I'll just have to kill everybody you hold dear. They won't fight me if I say that it was an order straight from you."

She deepened her scowl at me. "We are getting nowhere with this arguing. If you would just be reasonable, I could let you out and we could work together in finding you a way home."

"I could be reasonable, yes. But if I do everything you say, then I'd be giving up my freedom as an American. 'MURICA!!!" I added a hoof pump to that last part.

She sighed. "I'll make you a deal."

I crossed my hooves over my chest and leaned back against the bars. "I'm listening..."

"My sister and I will forgive you for everything up to this point, and will help you return home. But only if you stop antagonizing everypony around you. Deal?"

I held up a hoof. "Okay, how about this? Both of you can keep on hating me, and still get me and my compadres home. And I keep antagonizing everybody around me until we do get home. Deal?"

She shook her head. "We are not negotiating."

I snorted at her, spraying mucus on the bars and causing her to back up. "Who died and made you dictator? How about this one then. Both of you can apologize, and I keep on hating everybody around me. I'll keep being an ass, but I'll tone it down to the point of you not wanting to jump out of a window while you find me a way home. Deal?"

She didn't look happy.

I shrugged. "If I stay here for the rest of my life I'll just have more time to make everybody around me miserable. Really, it's a win-win for me either way."

Celestia sighed and rubbed the side of her head with a hoof. "Fine. We have a deal, but only if you tone it down."

I nodded and looked to Rainbow Dash. "I apologize for calling you a lesbian."

She smiled at me. "Don't worry about."

I nodded at her. "I'm glad that you forgive me. I would hate to have somebody as manly as you coming after me Butch."

She looked like she was ready to tear me head off.

Celestia glared at me again.

I shrugged. "I said I was sorry. Baby steps."

Author's Note

But really, has nobody else ever thought that Rainbow Dash was a Gay Pride flag? She acts like a dude and has the right coloring. Nobody? Somebody?