Garry's Mod Vs. Equestria

The castle was actually pretty cozy. Well, once I got past the hanging in cages thing. Oh, and the hundreds of guards all looking like they want nothing more than to beat me senseless. And that the ponies I was with wouldn't shut up. And that my friends seemed to enjoy me feeling like strangling the pink one with broken glass glued to my hands. Plus I was being eyeballed by the princesses rather oddly. Add to that I was still rather frazzled from being molested by lightening. And to top if off, I was still a female pony. So yeah, once I got over all of that, I could really see the appeal of living like this.

"So, what kind of property taxes do you pay on a plot of land like this?" I asked.

"We do not pay taxes, as we are royalty," Luna said rather snootily.

I scoffed. "Figures. You don't need to pay taxes, but you sure do like collecting taxes from all of your pretty little pawns. How do you even sleep at night?" I hissed at her.

She glared at me from her large, jewel-encrusted, silver, large, regal, huge throne.

Celestia- sitting on a throne with the previous description except gold for silver- sighed again. "I thought you said you would stop being difficult. How are we to help you if you try to start a fight every five minutes?"

I raised my hoof to my face. "Really? I could have sworn it's been a good eight minutes at least. Damn watch must be broken."

She ignored my comment, much to my annoyance. "So, you were attempting to hold a ritual involving Twilight and a species of alien that is not your own. What was this ritual?"

I groaned. "I already told you! I was trying to sacrifice Edward to the alien so I could live longer. Really, is it that hard to get?" I shook my head at her in disappointment. "And here I was thinking you were supposed to be smart..."

"Why were you trying to sacrifice me?" Twilight asked me.

I growled in anger at her. "Because you have a stupid name! I find it very offensive!" I shouted at her, causing her to take a few steps away from me.

"What did I tell you...?" Celestia warned.

I yelled in frustration. "God, why must all of you stupid talking ponies be mentally retarded?! Really?! I've repeated myself four times now, and you've done nothing with the information I've given you!" I pointed at Serpent. "You tell them what you were doing! You must have done it, or something."

Serpent put on his "thinking" face and hummed in thought. "Well, I was on top of the helipad just about to snipe some dude. Then right before I pulled the trigger my computer blue screened. But then it turned purple, just like your's did, and when I tried to shut it off I was sucked in."

I sighed as I thought about what he said. Nothing really different then his normal day on the server, but maybe it was a problem with the coding and it mixed with some kind of alien signal. "Well... what were you using? Was it some kind of weird coded weapon, or some strange gun?" I asked with a frown.

He shook his head. "Nope. Just my usual Barret M98B. I-" But he was cut off as his favorite sniper rifle appeared in his hands.

Everybody in the room stared at the weapon for a long time without so much as blinking.

I broke the silence. "That's fucking tops... How did you do that?"

He lifted the rifle up to his shoulder, looking down the scope at Celestia. "I just... thought of myself holding the gun."

I shut my eyes and pictured holding one of my favorite weapons. A second later I heard the sound of a lightsaber igniting. I looked to my hooves and saw a lightsaber with a black blade surrounded by a white aura. "Fucking metal..."

Viking yelled in triumph, drawing everybody's attention. He was holding a Davy Crocket. "This is fuckin' awesome!" he yelled.

I shook my head. "Oh hell no," I said as I thought up a Desert Eagle. I pointed it at him and fired the gun.

Viking let out a short yelp, then his head literally exploded in a gory mess of brain matter and blood. It's safe to say his head painted at least a good twenty feet of wall and floor before his body hit the ground. When he did land, even more of the floor was coated in warm, red, life juice.

Everybody looked at me in shook.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Serpent screamed at me.

I shrugged. "He's not important to me getting home. And besides, do you really want somebody like him running around with a shoulder-mounted nuke?"

He looked at me with an unbelieving expression. "W- how did- what...?"

I looked at the gun in my hoof. "How the hell did I even pull the trigger? I don't have fingers!" Just then, an idea struck me. As the pieces came together, I closed my eyes to picture it in my head. "The backpack... The glasses... The turban..." My eyes snapped open and I looked down at my hands. "Fuck yeah! Ain't no pony no more, bitches! I'm a fucking bandit!"

"You asshole!"

I looked to the corpse of Viking to see him pop back up with an angry glare on his face. He was holding a shotgun.

He pumped it, loading a shell in to the barrel. "That fuckin' hurt, you dick!" He fired the gun.

I felt my chest get torn to pieces as the buckshot went through me. It was a quick death. Painful, but quick. I heard the familiar "BEEP BEEP BEEEEeeeeeeee..." I've come to associate with death in Gmod. Then as I willed it, I was standing back up and pointing an M249 at Viking's head. "It's on now, motherfucker! Eat bullets, BITCHES!!!!!!!"

***

As I pulled my machete out of Serpent's head, I contemplated how hellish this really was. Never being able to die... Locked in an eternal battle... Forever doomed to slaughter my friends as they try to do the same to me... Just weird shit like that.

Then I went akimbo EX41 grenade launchers and turned Viking into a pile of red mush. Twice!

I felt a searing pain in my leg and turned to fire directly into Serpent's face with my grenade launchers. Unfortunately for me, he was about two feet away and we both were blown to tiny red chunks. "You cheating little fuck!" I yelled as I respawned with a vial of nerve gas in my hand. I tossed it at Serpent and pulled out my MP7 and fired a dozen rounds into Viking's chest.

I used my grappling hook to get to a higher point on the castle through the hole in the ceiling, as this room was completely destroyed now. Just like the other hundred or so we've been to.

I pulled out my M82 and put a bullet in Serpent's head, but Viking's RPG got me.

I felt my little chunks tumble around for a few seconds as I waited for Serpent to kill Viking with a Tech-9, then I respawned and stuck a sticky bomb to the side of his leg.

He looked down at the little blue device. "Oh for-" And then half of his body painted the surrounding area, with the other half smacking wetly into the far wall and exploding into a shower of beautiful gore.

I laughed loudly until a bullet went through the back of my neck, severing my spine. God damn it...

Respawning, I found both of my friends pointing miniguns at me. "Oh fuck you." And then I turned into mist.

I came back with two satchels of C4. I set them both to five seconds and threw them at my friends. I stuck Serpent, but missed Viking. It didn't matter though, we all got turned into paste.

I came back first and pulled out a TAR-21. As I ran away, I fired shots into Viking and Serpent, killing the former and injuring the latter. "God damn piece of shit," I swore as I threw it away in favor of my good ol' AK-47. With my AK, I tore through them a combined total of seven times before I had to reload once. Then I did it again, with a higher kill count.

I ducked behind a wall as Viking's torso was thrown over it, caused by Serpent's proximity mine.

And then I heard it. Radio static with an only somewhat audible voice.

I looked up to see the blue beams connecting directly above me through the- lack of- ceiling. The little red laser was dead center on my forehead. "You fucking idiot!"

And then everything was turned into dust.

***

As I lay on the cot, I couldn't help but think how awful that idea was. A fucking Orbital Strike? Oh God Serpent, I hate you so much... I'm going to shove a sword up your ass after this...

I couldn't talk due to the dozens of bandages around my head. But that sure didn't stop me from shooting Serpent dirty looks from across the hospital room.

Apparently, even though we're immortal, we still feel the pain of everything that kills us. And let me just say, taking an Orbital Strike to the face hurts like a bitch. Even more than that time I zipped my dick up in my pants when I was a kid. And that fucking hurt.

"I still have trouble believing what I saw..." Celestia mumbled from the side of the room.

Luna seemed to be in a state of shock, and couldn't form any words. So she just nodded slowly.

I tried to speak words, but instead spoke mumbles. "Ghmh hamhm uhh hoomd hmrssm!"

Celestia looked at me with a haunted expression. "What was that?"

"Ghmh hamhm uhh hoomd hmrssm! Ehh hugihm hehh uhh!"

She lit up her horn and I could feel the bandages coming loose. "Once more. What did you say?" she asked.

I scowled at her so hard my normal scowl would be frightened. "I said go away you stupid horse! I fucking hate you!"

She glared at me, but it didn't have her heart in it. "Are you always this unpleasant?" she asked bitterly.

"Nope, not always. Sometimes I'm in a bad mood," I said just as bitterly.

She sighed again and shook her head. "It will take me days to repair the damage you three have caused. And that's including my reserves of energy." She shook her head again. "I don't think you can stay here any longer..."

I tried to snort, but my face hurt too much. "Well then, I have a solution. Send me the fuck home!" I yelled.

She glared at me and strode over to my cot, leaving her sister to remain sitting in open-mouthed shock near the door. "You know I can't right now. Be patient, and you and your friends will return home in time."

I sighed and put my head back against my blocky hospital pillow. "I hate waiting. And where the hell are we supposed to stay now that you're kicking us out? It's not like I brought my checkbook to reserve a room at a hotel or anything!"

"Do you know what the Elements of Harmony are?" she asked me.

"Are they as gay as they sound?" I asked her sarcastically.

She glared even harder at me. "They are ancient magical artifacts used to fight dark and evil. They belong to Twilight and her five friends."

I rolled my eyes. "You could have just said yes, y'know."

She continued on, undeterred. "If I tell my protege, Twilight, to use them on you, she will. And while you spend eternity encased in stone, you can think about how much of a horrible person you are."

I put on a thinking face. "So, what you're saying is... All I have to do is kill Twilight and her friends and I can do whatever I want? Awesome! I know what I'm doing as soon as these painkillers kick in!"

She gave me a very cold look. "I cannot tell if you're being sarcastic, or being truthful. But know that if you harm any of my little ponies while you're here, you will suffer. Greatly," she said as she was almost in kissing range.

I forced myself up from my cot and scowled at her as hard as I could. "I'd like to see you try to kill me."

An emotionless smile played at her lips. "I don't need to kill you," she said as she looked at Viking and Serpent. She looked back to me. "I just need to make you learn your lesson."

I scoffed. "Go ahead. See if I care what you do to them. They're buddies at best, not actual friends."

We traded dirty looked for a good few minutes before she broke away. "I'm sending you three to Ponyville to be watched over by Twilight Sparkle. She'll not hesitate to use the Elements of Harmony against you if anything happens while you're there."

I snorted a laugh and pushed myself up from the cot. "Yeah, she can try to kill me all she wants. But we don't die so easily from where we come from, your Hineyness."

She walked away without paying me any mind, gathering her sister on the way out the door. "We shall see."

"Dis dick!" I yelled at her.

I almost broke out laughing when she tripped over her own hooves and fell flat on her face.