Garry's Mod Vs. Equestria

Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

That was all anybody could hear as Dash and I followed the guards to meet with the princesses. They tried not to look at the two of us, but I would catch a sidelong glance and meet it with a nasty smirk. I was getting a lot of those glances from maids, and not a small amount of the female guards either. Speaking if female guards, there was quite a few of them that wanted to tackle me to the ground and restrain me when we first arrived. And strangely enough a particularly eager male as well.

The general- as he introduced his rank to us- forbade it though, a slightly angry look on his face.

But now our brave general Fine Blade- his name- was leading the party of guards through the castle with us in the middle of it. It was pretty slow moving, for reasons such as Dash could barely stand, so she was leaning on me as I stumbled gracelessly down the halls. I think I should also mention that I was completely naked.

Yeah, apparently my mini-me was bruised and sore to the point of counter-numbness. But once the adrenaline wore off and the feeling came back, it felt like a colony of fire ants was making space in my piece to live. The feeling of Dash's tail running along my piece was enough to bring me to tears, so I wasn't about to find out what rough cloth felt like. And the worst part about it was that the health kits needed to be injected at the spot of injury, so... no.

Dash had the same feeling in her bits and pieces as well, so she refused to even think about wiping herself clean, just as I had refused it. So we walked the hall with stained bodies from the stomach down to our legs. Though it was worse for her because I could at least hide mine. She was too afraid of her tail touching her sensitive spots to let it anywhere near her backside.

So with every step we took some of our fun-time juices would drip off on to the pristine floor of the castle. I would have smiled at the misfortune of the maids if it weren't for the pain.

"It hurts," Dash whimpered at my side.

I rubbed her back gently. "I know it does. I know..."

The general cleared his throat, stopping in front of a large pair of doors. I could only assume they led to the throne room. "Once inside you will... behave yourselves. Understood?" he asked stiffly.

I waved my hand at him, nearly falling over. "Who died and made you boss?"

He didn't respond. Instead he pushed the doors open with his hooves. He must have been pretty strong to manage that, because the doors were easily ten times my height and five times my width.

We walked into the throne room and I was nearly blinded by how it looked. It must have been night or evening when I first got here, because the room was almost literally gleaming. The shiny white marble seemed to give off light of their own as the Sun came through the windows and hit the floor and walls. But the shiniest thing was easily the large throne made of gold in the center of the room. It practically screamed "Steal me!" in my face.

I didn't get to though, because my friends were there distracting me. They looked horrible.

Serpent's nose was bleeding badly and the veins were showing under his skin. His hair looked dead and his eyes were glassy and distant.

Viking was even worse off. He had the nose bleed, but his mouth and eyes were dripping blood as well. Half of his hair was gone and there were large patches of skin missing from any parts of his body that was exposed to me. I thought I could even hear him wheezing from where I was standing.

I was standing in front of Celestia, Luna, and Twilight before I even knew what was happening. I must have zoned out. I looked at their faces and nearly died of laughter.

Celestia looked like something broke in her brain and was staring blankly at Dash and I, Luna's mouth was opening and closing like a fish out of water, and Twilight had possibly the biggest blush on her face that I had ever seen in my life, anime included.

I smiled cockily. "Ladies..." I said smoothly. Then I distinctly remember the world sliding sideways before I met darkness.

***

I felt a tingling sensation on my private bits. Not the worst way to wake up, for sure.

I opened my eyes and looked around. The first thing I noticed was my piece standing at attention with a light yellow glow around it. The second thing I noticed was a unicorn mare in a nurse's outfit with a bigger blush than Twilight's. She had a tannish coat and a light brown mane and tail. Her mark was a thermometer over a band-aid. But the thing that drew my attention was a light yellow glow around her unicorn horn. The same glow that was around my stiff friend.

"Can I help you?" I asked angrily.

She screamed. Very loudly.

"Is everything all right in there?!" a voice called from behind her.

She turned towards a door I just then noticed. "It's fine, Rush! Just stay there!" she shouted to the voice.

I scowled. "Again, can I help you with something?" I growled. I tried to sit up but she stopped me with a hoof.

"I was assigned to treat your..." her red face darkened fractionally, "... Um, pain... The princess told me to do everything in my power to have you up and around as quickly as possible."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Why aren't I in the hospital then?"

She looked uncomfortable at my question. "Well, with your..." her face darkened even further, "... problem... I have to treat it like this. And some of the other patients in there... well... uh..."

I sighed. "Let me guess. They don't want to see you giving me a free handjob with your magic?"

Her face got darker still.

Before she could speak I gently tapped the very tip of myself. It hurt, but it was nothing compared to before. A few more minutes and I could probably act like nothing happened.

"You shouldn't do that while I'm giving treatment," she said.

I chuckled to myself. "Y'know, magic doesn't even affect me. How it's tingling, I don't know."

"The princesses managed to create a matrix that could affect you. So now I can heal you," she glared at me, "and hurt you."

I grinned and wrapped my hand around myself, getting a good bit of cock-sweat on my palm. After that I reached out to her and ruffled her mane.

She made a noise similar to a scared mouse and closed her eyes. But still her horn worked at my sore piece.

I laughed and thought of a terrible plan. "Oh, yes! Yes! Harder! Faster! Do it to me baby, yeah!" I screamed loudly. Probably loud enough for the entire castle to hear. "You work that dick! You're the best, girl! Nobody does it like you do it!"

Her eyes shrunk down to pinpricks as she looked at me in horror.

I gave her a dastardly smile. "Do it! Do it harder! Oooohh, yeah baby! Just like that!"

"Shut up!" she hissed at me.

"This is the best ever! Not even Twilight has magic like this! Oh my God, this is amazing!"

The door was then promptly smashed open, revealing a very angry and embarrassed purple pony. Twilight, to be exact.

I gave her a smile and a wave, not using my hands. "Hey Twilight, how's it hanging?"

Then I remember tasting purple and smelling the screams of the souls trapped in Hell. I could see the sound of velvety fur.

***

"You know I was just fucking with you, right?" I laughed as I stood in front of the two princesses and Twilicorn. I refuse to accept her as a princess since she rules over nothing. Plus, I don't like her.

The three of them gave me cold looks.

I shrugged. "It was funny to me, and that's was counts. Anyways!" I clapped my hands together. "You wanted me here. What do you want?"

Celestia sighed and walked over to the window dramatically. "You may have noticed it in your time here that Equestria is a peaceful nation, devoid of the corruption of your world. A beacon of light, if you will."

I shrugged. "Eh, I've seen better. It's all a matter of perspective, really."

She ignored my comment and moved on. "This land has not seen war and strife since Nightmare Moon."

I nodded. "Oh yeah, I remember Twilight saying something about that. Your sister went batshit crazy and tried to take over the world and killed a bunch of people, right?"

Luna gave Twilight a dirty look.

She chuckled nervously. "His words, not mine!"

Celestia sighed. "Yes, that is a rather vulgar summary of what happened, but it is for the most part correct. However, beyond our borders, everything isn't peaceful like you know it to be here."

I raised an eyebrow at this. "Is that so...?"

She nodded grimly. "Indeed. The Minotaur clans are almost constantly at war with each other, the Griffons are always trying to oust one another for political power, the Changelings are always scheming to take over the world as we know it, the Saddle Arabians and the Zebricans are being harassed by the tribes of Jackals that live in the desert between the two nations, the Diamond Dogs to the North are becoming restless, and even the Dragons are becoming aggressive as their territory expands." She sighed heavily, like telling this to somebody lifted some kind of weight from her. "And in the middle of it all, we have alliances to all of them, barring the Jackal tribes and the Diamond Dogs. We're constantly trying to calm tensions between them all, but it gets harder every passing year. Soon enough, there could be war."

I worked my jaw side-to-side. "So... tell them all to fuck off," I said.

She looked at me, slightly annoyed.

"No, seriously," I said. "You control the power of the Sun, Moon, and stars. If war comes to your country, just magic up a little self-contained environment bubble shield and let the Sun scorch them all into dust. If they want to fight, make a shooting star fall on their army when they're all sleeping at night."

She gave me a thoughtful look. "What you say is possible, yes. But in my hooves, could you do that to another being?"

"Yep," I replied with a smile. "You know what I'm willing to do to protect myself. Add another few thousand bodies to that, and that will multiplies those thousand times. It becomes those thousand times stronger." I gave her a very serious look. "If I cared for the lives of the ponies like you do, I would drown the planet in acid rain and rebuild it just for them. Something so small as reducing an invading force of Minotaurs to ash or burning the Jackals out of their homes and slaughtering them as they run wouldn't even cause me to lose sleep if I knew it would keep the ones I care about safe."

She gave me a saddened look. "And what if they hated you for it? What if the ones you burned the world for cursed your name?"

I laughed. "I would finish making the world peaceful for them. Then when I was sure nothing could happen, I would walk out into the streets and give the first person I saw my gun. I would say that if he thinks he could do a better job than I did, he should kill me and take my place."

Celestia raised a brow. "And if he does kill you?"

I shrugged. "Then my troubles are over. I get to take a break and get some rest."

She looked at me for a long time before she finally smiled. "Even though you're a terrible person, I believe that you would make an excellent king. In a way, you remind me of my father. Albeit more rash and violent, but still just as passionate about protecting the ones you love."

I snorted. "Love? What a joke. Love has nothing to do with wanting to keep people safe."

She raised a brow at me in question. "Really? Why is that?"

"Love is nothing more than a chemical process in your brain that sends an all-around 'feel-good' sensation to your body. It's proven by science that it's nothing more than reactants and pheromones. Not some fate-made mushy bullshit that people think it is." I looked at her angrily. "That's your problem right there. You're too scared to hurt the right people that you'll get the wrong people killed. You think you love them when all it is is a feeling of responsibility blown way the fuck out of proportion."

She took on a look of confusion. "What do you mean?"

I scowled. "You want to keep everybody safe. But they want to take over and kill their enemies. If you keep playing mother to the world, you'll lose the only thing that should matter to you. And when you lose that, I know for a fact that it'll be the world that you so dearly wanted to protect that'll pay the price in the end.

"You're a goddess, you get to act like one. You get to chose who lives and dies, who prospers and who perishes. You get unlimited power, so you get unlimited responsibility. But not to those outside that power."

I spread my hands out to her. "Do you get what I'm saying?"

She blinked at me. "I know this, but..." A single golden tear ran down her face. "Why must I be the one to make these decisions? Why must I be the one who gets to play God? Why me? Why not somepony else? Why does anypony get that power?"

I sighed and shook my head. "I don't know. I'm not the one that gave you these powers, the universe is. Just like the universe created your mother and father, it created you and your sister. It created me. It created the air we breathe. It created the food we eat. It created the materials you used to make this castle we're standing in.

Do we really get to question it? Is it our place to want a different life, or a different role in the world?" I shook my head. "I have no idea. I know that I wanted a different life. I wanted a better life. But I didn't get it because that's not what the universe wanted. Hell, I couldn't even work up the guts to kill myself because the universe wanted me to live. The universe needs balance, and everything in it contributes to that balance. You help the ponies here, and I make everybody around me miserable.

There was nothing but peace in Equestria, right? So maybe, just maybe, your universe and my universe got together and made some kind of a plan for us. You don't like it, and I don't like it, but it's not our place to question it. All we can do is go along with it until the plan sees its end and I can leave you to your peaceful lives."

A few more tears had fallen since the beginning of my little speech. But even still, she was smiling at me. "For someone as hot-head, ill-tempered, and foul-mouthed as you, that was incredibly insightful."

I shrugged. "I play a lot of video games," I said simply. "Anyways, what the hell did you want me for? Because I somehow doubt it was political advise."

She gave a musical laugh. "Yes, that is true. Although your advise was indeed helpful, you and your friends are here for another reason."

I looked around me. "Where are they anyway?" I asked.

"They're in the hospital wing getting their injuries treated," she told me. "It seems that they haven't fared as well as you have in your time here."

I shrugged. "Sounds about right. So, about that thing you wanted to talk about..."

She looked back out the window, a frown playing at her lips. "The issue has been addressed once already, and I thought it had been resolved. But it seems that peaceful talking hasn't gotten through to him." She sighed, blinking slowly before looking at me. "Do you see that mountain range off in the distance?" she asked me.

I looked out the window and nodded. "Yeah, very Lord of the Rings-y in my opinion."

Her frown deepened. "On that tall mountain near the center is a dragon. He is very old and powerful, and poses a threat to this land."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Uh, okay? That's nice?"

She gave me a very serious look. "I need you to kill him."