Author's Note

So, today I think I might have stumbled upon a police sting operation...
I was walking home from classes about two hours early- because fuck the system- and halfway there I saw two construction workers standing around a truck, but no construction in sight. As I walked past them, a guy walked up to me and asked, "Hey man, you got that weed?"
I of course didn't have my weed on m- Uh, I mean... I didn't have any weed on me so I shook my head and kept walking. And as I turned the corner to get past them, I came into contact with a strange, terrifying sight. Four cop cars on both sides of the road, at least five cops with guns, and more of them standing behind the little indents in each store front down half the street.
Now, I may have, kinda-sorta-probably looked like a criminal. I was wearing a black leather jacket, a black T with multiple blood and oil stains on it with my wife beater showing under it, dark green cargos with more oil stains than blood, black leather gloves, a complete black face mask that covered everything but my eyes, a black leather pilot's hat that covered my eyes because it's slightly too big, and my trusty Timberland boots. It also didn't help that I had a backpack big enough to fit a small child in stuffed to the point of bursting from supplies I need for my classes- also with stains on it ranging from blood to oil.
And there's the very slight chance that I smelled like weed because everybody I know smokes it.
So as I walked passed them, I could see all of them turning to watch me. Oh happy days, the joys of forgetting my bus card and having to walk 10+ miles through snow that comes up to my knees to get home. You just gotta love it...
On top of that, a girl tried to hit on during study hall. A girl that was cute... But, meh, I wasn't really interested. I was reading a clopfic and she didn't have the decency to bugger off when I said I was in the middle of some good porn. Anybody that interrupts my porn isn't on my good side.
Today has tired my out. This is my excuse for the short chapter.
Now... back to that clopfic...

I Love Rocks...

"Pass the hind leg?" I said to Viking.

He wiped the grease from his mouth and nodded, tossing me a large chunk of seared meat with a shard of bone sticking from one end and a cracked hoof capping the other.

I nodded and bit into the leg, tearing off what could have easily been a pound of smoky, tender flesh with just a hint of lemon, salt and pepper. I moaned in ecstasy as I swallowed it, barely chewed. "This is fucking good..." I said, my eyes rolling back up into my head.

Viking nodded slowly, chewing on a large slice of chest meat. The grease and juice from the meat dripped from his mouth, landing messily on his shirt and probably instantly staining it. He swallowed the meat and smiled widely at me, bits of cooked flesh and skin stuck between his teeth and hanging from his lip.

I tore off another large chunk for myself, noisily chomping on it while the slimy grease ran down my face and stained my clothes. As I chewed, squelching and smacking noises came from me, Viking as well, but mostly from me. I swallowed it, burping loudly and nearly throwing up as a result. I was quite stuffed by that point.

But, y'know, eating Applejack sorta does that to a guy.

Yeah, I wanted a pony that was strong enough to give me some sport, but couldn't get away. Twilight and Rarity were unicorns, and magic is hax, so no. Fluttershy and Dash aren't on my list of people I hate, so no. Pinkie is annoying, but with how much sugar she eats I would probably get diabetes just from licking her. So that left Applejack as the only possible candidate. After a brief conversation with the good sergeant explaining that it wasn't really a pony, I started hunting.

I took Viking to an open field and spawned her in. At first she was confused, but once I told her she had ten seconds to get a head start, saw our weapons, and heard the malicious smile in my voice, she probably guessed we weren't inviting her for tea. She did good, too. Lasted for nearly a minute before we caught her. Then we dragged her back to where we had a large bonfire already lit, tied her to a pole, and started roasting her alive.

Oh, the screams...

Yeah, I forgot to gag her, and by the time I remembered that I could she was mostly dead. Doesn't really matter though, seeing as how it wasn't really Applejack. But now we were eating her- Viking and I, not my current lover- and she was absolutely delicious. She was tender, but not soft; succulent, but not puffy; juicy, but not drippy; filling, but not fattening. Really, everything I look for in a girl. I vaguely wondered if I should look into whether or not Applejack had any suitors. If not, I would step up without hesitation. Dash and Fluttershy were nice and all, but Shy is too shy, and Dash is too loud. I liked them, but even if they were Human girls I couldn't see myself in a long-term relationship with them.

I licked the now-bare leg bone of any grease I missed when licking it clean the first and second times. It was too damn good to miss. Finishing it, I tossed the bone into the fire and leaned back from my seat on the ground. I patted my slightly bulging belly. "Damn, that was good," I said in awe.

Viking burped loudly, sighing happily afterwards. "Hell yeah man. This shit's great!"

I looked to my right. "You really should have tried some, love," I said to Light Hoof/Mirage. I didn't really love her or anything, it was just easier to call her that. Plus it made her happy, and when she's happy, I get extra-fun sexy time.

Light shook the horrified expression off her face to smile at me. It was forced, I could tell. "N- no thanks, love. I don't eat... meat." She said that last word with a small gag.

I shrugged. "Well, that's too bad I guess. It was really good." I fell on my back lightly, yawning as I stared up into the night sky. It was like nothing I'd seen before. The stars were in the billions, trillions even. I could see planets, nebulae, comets streaking across the vast expanse of space, and in the center of it all, the Moon was bright and full, shining down on everything like a giant nightlight. I always was a night person.

And apparently a blind person, because my sight just went out.

"Guess who?~" a voice sang.

I hummed in thought. "Santa?" I guessed.

"No...~"

"Billy Mays?"

"No...~"

"Jimmy Johnson?"

"No...~"

"Jesus?"

"No...~"

I reached up and grabbed the hooves that were over my eyes, rubbing up and down them slowly. Sensually almost. "Hmm... Soft, silky fur..." I squeezed the legs gently. "Hmm... Tender, supple body..." I put my hands on the hooves themselves, teasing at the soft spot I had recently learned was on them. I heard a small gasp and moan of pleasure. "And such sensitive hooves... I think... that you're... Hmm... Sergeant... Johnson!"

I heard a snicker from Viking.

The hooves left my face, allowing me to see again. They were replaced with an upside-down, half-annoyed half-amused face. Light's face. "Are you really that bad at guessing?" she teased.

I smiled up at her, kissing her Spiderman style. "No, Sergeant Johnson's just a really sexy man," I joked. "He knows what the ladies like."

She kissed me, still upside-down. "Don't you want to give me my dinner?" she asked suggestively, tilting her head cutely.

I smiled dumbly. "Of course, love," I said, kissing her again. "Would you like the appetizer first, or should we just skip to the main course?"

She smiled at me seductively. "I think I'd like the buffet," she said in a quiet voice.

I smiled even wider. "I was hoping you'd pick that one..."

***

I stood at the base of a mountain. The mountain. "Well, we're here. This is it." We were. It was.

Viking stood next to me. "It's... a lot bigger than I thought..." It was.

I nodded. "Yeah, it is. It's pretty fucking huge." It was, it was.

Viking looked it up and down a few times. "So, are we gonna climb it?" We were.

I nodded again. "Yep, we are." We were. We did. It sucked. Hard.

***

I flopped onto the final ledge before the top of the mountain and the cave. It had literally taken all day to climb up the mountain, and that was with the help of our increased athleticism from being essentially immortal and invulnerable.

Viking rolled onto the ledge next to me, our armor clanking together loudly. "That... fuckin'... sucked... balls..." he said to me through rattling gasps for air.

Next to me on my other side Mirage landed in her Changeling form. She decided that climbing was too tiring and dropped her disguise to use her wings. With those, she followed us up the mountain from the air. She went back to her sergeant form, smiling at us both. "You two sure do go through a lot just to get somewhere you want to be."

I was too tired to reply, so I just flopped my arm at her.

She smiled as she slowly trotted towards us. "You got room for one more on that piece of rock?" she asked sarcastically.

Viking made a sound similar to a dying dog and I just continued to gasp for breath.

She took that as a yes and lifted herself over me to get between Viking and I. Once she circled the spot once she lowered herself down and sighed happily. "I think I could get used to this," she said quietly, closing her eyes.

Viking and I looked at each other. Then we looked to the small mare sandwiched between us. Then we both made noises similar to a dying dog and passed out from exhaustion. But it wasn't a bad thing, we needed the sleep. When we woke up we had to kill a dragon.