Garry's Mod Vs. Equestria

"... shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up..."

"You'll love it here in Ponyville! There's sweets and cookies and pie and cake- The Cakes! Oh! I bet they'll want to meet you right away! We can have a super terrific party for you three!"

"... shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up..."

"You can meet all my friends! Lyra, Bon Bon, Colgate, Carrot Top, Derpy, Vinyl, Octavia, Roseluck, Lily, Lotus and Aloe, Cheerilee, Flitter and Cloudchaser"-

"... shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up..."

-"Ivory Scroll, Caramel- Oh, you have so many ponies to meet you won't sleep for a week!"

"Pinkie! Shut the fuck up! I swear to God, you're giving me ear cancer! I am getting cancer of the ear from your stupid, annoying words! For the love of fuck, shut the fuck up!"

Pinkie deflated visibly and put a few more paces between the two if us as we walked down the road of Ponyville. "Oh... I'm sorry..."

I snorted. I seem to be doing a lot of that recently. "Yes, you are."

The townsfolk were staring at us as if we were the most interesting thing in the world while we all walked down the little dirt road, and I could feel my blood beginning to boil. They. Just. Wouldn't. Stop. Staring.

I balled my hand into a fist. "Make them stop staring," I snarled at Fluttershy. She hasn't really left my side since the train, despite me threatening to set her mane on fire.

She looked up at me with her little smile that I've grown to hate so much. "Don't worry, you'll be fine. Just ignore them and they'll go away." She patted my shoulder gently as she glided along side me.

I could feel a headache coming on. "I would rather tear their eyes out. It's just like ignoring them, but fun." I tried to say this in a cheery voice, but the fact that my teeth were pushed together hard enough to smash atoms made this impossible.

She pulled away from me instantly. "Uhm, wouldn't you rather, just, tell them to, um, look away?"

I looked at her with a scowl, still unseen thanks to my head wrap. "Stop being nervous. I'm not going to brutally murder you, just everybody else."

She hid behind her mane and floated a little ways behind me. "Oh, uh, okay..." she mumbled.

I rolled my eyes and kept following the purple one, Edward. "Are we there yet?"

"No," she replied stiffly.

I sighed. "Are we there yet?"

"No."

A small smile started creeping up on me. "Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are-"

"NO! We aren't there yet! We'll get there when we get there! Stop asking!"

I chuckled a little bit. My plan was working perfectly. 3... 2... 1... "Are we there yet?"

Edward let out an ear-piercing shriek and turned to face me. Her mane and tail were sizzling and her nostrils were smoking. "We aren't there yet! If you don't shut the buck up, we'll never get there!"

I raised my hands and looked to my friends. "Look out, we got a badass over here!"

As they snickered Edward shrieked again and used her magic to smack me on the head with a nearby rock. She once again shrieked when the rock went through my head, doing nothing to me. Apparently, anything having to do with magic didn't affect us unless it's electricity based. Serpent told me it had something to do with computer wiring, and electrons, or some techie shit. I just said it was because I had an "electric personality"... Yeah, the important thing was that I found it funny.

I shook my head. "Shit, who stuck a pole up your ass?" Then I put my hands on my chin and nodded slowly. "Oh yeah..."

She lost all of her anger as her cheeks turned a much more red color and she looked away from me, preferring instead to stare at the ground.

I laughed at her openly, not caring that her friends were glaring at me.

Back on the train, I actually tried to live up to my threat. But seeing as I couldn't get her to sit still while I sawed off her horn, I used the next best thing: a rusty metal baseball bat! I didn't get very far because her friends managed to pull me off of her and, uh... free the bat. But what I did do was enough to scare them into not annoying me any more. Now, all I had to annoy me were my idiot friends! Yay!

I felt a hoof prod me in the back, and turning around, I saw Fluttershy giving me a very stern look. I patted her head. "Aw, don't you look all cute n' shit when you're angry?!" I said in a baby voice. Pinching her cheek and making her blush heavily, I booped her in the nose with my not-cheek-pinching hand. "Now Fluttershy," I said, still using my baby voice, "it's not healthy to frown so much. You need to turn that frown upside-down! Like this!"

I pulled my head wrap off to reveal my face and gave a sorrowful frown. Then I put both hands on either side of my head and twisted it so hard my head was almost completely upside-down. "Like that," I mumbled through the ridiculous amounts of blood pouring out of my mouth. Then I fell over on the ground, completely dead.

Then I respawned holding my own head, letting the gallons of blood spew out over everything in a ten foot radius. My head was smiling at them with teeth stained red from the blood. The eyes were also missing and blood was leaking out of the empty sockets, but that was just for effect.

I flashed Fluttershy a smile that a psycho-killer gives a small child. "Just like that," I said in a creepy voice.

The townsfolk screamed bloody murder and took off in every direction. In only a few seconds, the entire town was clear of life besides us.

Fluttershy went pale, Rarity fainted, Pinkie ran away screaming, Applejack and Rainbow both looked horrified, and Twilight threw up a little. Even my friends looked mildly disgusted.

I gave an evil chuckle as I pulled my head wrap back on and tossed the head through the window of a nearby house. Soon after, I heard the screams of children. It made me smile. "Well, I certainly feel good about the rest of the day. How about you guys?"

***

I was sitting in a tree. Like, a living, still-alive, not-dead, tree. For some reason, I felt the urge to throw a Molotov at the wall, just to see what would happen.

I yelled loudly as I twisted my whole body, hearing so many cracks I thought I probably broke something. "So, night is approaching my little ponies! Who am I bunking with?"

Pinkie appeared in front of me. "Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick meeeee!~"

I pushed her away from me. "Hell no. If I stay with you I'll end up shaving you in your sleep."

Rarity stepped up. "Well, seeing as how I am the element of generosity, I supp-"

"I will tie you to your bed and set your house on fire. I will also steal everything you have. No. No. A thousand times, no." I pushed Viking forward. "Here, you can take him. He's well-behaved for the most part."

Viking gave me a dirty look. "Now hold on here! I don't approve of this! Not one bit!"

I snorted in laughter. "Yes, and I'm sure I'll find it in my icy, dead heart to care eventually. But until then, you're going to be sleeping with this talking pony." I thought for a second. "Okay, that came out wrong..."

Twilight stomped her hoof on the ground to draw our attention. "As long as you're staying here, I'll be deciding where you're going to be sleeping." She pointed to Viking. "Viking, you're going to be staying with Applejack." Next she pointed to Serpent. "Serpent, you'll be staying with Rarity." Then she leveled me with a glare. "And you're staying here, where I can keep an eye on you."

I rose an eyebrow at her. "Just because you said that, I'm not going to do it."

Her glare intensified. "You're going to do it and you're going to like it. Spike already set up a guest room below where I sleep so I can make sure you stay here."

I looked at my friends. "Here, take this," I said to them as I summoned up three iPhone 4's. "We can call each other when we want to meet up in the middle of the night to enact operation: Bomb The Fuck Out Of Everything. Or, operation: Fuck You for short."

They both nodded at me.

"I vill du my bist to insoore victory, my comrade," Viking said in his best Russian accent.

I nodded and put my hand on his shoulder. "Ve du dis for Mother Russia, my brothers. Let us not fail."

After a quick salute to each other, my friends quickly walked out the door.

I turned back to see the ponies giving me odd looks. "Я сожгу ваши города, изнасиловать ваших женщин и поработить своих детей. Вы не выживет приближающуюся бурю."

Applejack and Rarity nearly tripped over each other to get out the door, and the remaining ponies looked very nervous.

I repressed a smile as I stared at Twilight. "I refuse to sleep here."

She groaned. "Why?"

"Uh... hey..."

"Because you're here. Plus, you told me to, so I don't want to," I told her.

"Uhm..."

Twilight groaned again. "So you're doing this just to be defiant? Why?!"

"Um, excuse me..."

I scoffed. "Because I fucking can, bitch. If you want to stop me, go ahead and try. Then I'll have free range to kill you in the name of self-defense."

"Excuse me..."

She let out an almost feral growl. "Why are you so mean all the time?! Were you dropped on your head when you were younger?!"

"Twilight..."

I scowled. "Actually, my skull was split open by a piece of sheet metal and it minced parts of my brain, smart ass. So no, I wasn't dropped on my head."

She blinked. "You... what?"

I waved my hand at her dismissively. "Fuck you. That's what. Fuck you. I'm going to find a nice house to break in to and sleep there. I hope you die in your sleep."

A hoof touched me.

I reflexively sent my fist flying at whatever it was. Just before I hit something butter yellow, I forced my hand to stop.

Fluttershy flinched away from my fist, it only being inches away from her face.

I pulled my hand back and scowled at her. "Future advice: don't touch me when I'm pissed. It'll end badly for you." I put my hand on her head and rubbed her a little. I found it to be... strangely calming.

She looked like she enjoyed me rubbing her head. "Uhm, I was just wondering if you'd like to, well, sleep at my cottage. If, that's okay with you of course." She started flapping her wings a little harder to get my hand further into her mane and fluttered her eyelids. "I would be... happy to... have... you..." She trailed off, a blissful smile gracing her lips.

I nodded slowly, losing myself a little. Something about rubbing her head just... felt... good...

And then my face hit the floor.