Chapter Two: I'm Great With Kids, Really!

I had followed the small pony who had introduced herself as 'Dinky Whooves' for about an hour before she began complaining of sore feet... hooves. Kids will be kids, I suppose, regardless of species. I the interest of keeping up the pace out of the Forest of Unspeakable Madness, or 'Everfree Forest' as Dinky had called it, I picked the pony up onto my shoulders. She resisted and squealed at first, but after she calmed down she enjoyed the new perspective the height would bring. She had taken to turning my hat as a way to 'steer' me towards our objective.

"Okay Mr. Human, We should be back to Ponyville soon." She said from her perch

Ponyville. Right. I suppose it's better than Horsieland or something. Now that our lives were not in immediate danger I had some issues to think out. Namely that I was now transporting a baby unicorn pony of myth and legend to her home in a land that was clearly not my own. I always wanted to travel after I left the service, but this was ridiculous. The humans from before seemed strange, and not just because they were naked as they day they were born. They were almost feral in their mannerisms, like a pack of wolves or something. The fact I literally can't get a word in edgewise doesn't help. The pain from the fall earlier is real enough to say this isn't a dream, so how on earth, or off Earth as the case may be, did I come to this strange land? We approached what appeared to be the edge of the forest and prepared myself. Wherever I was, it was clearly not home, so I had to expect anything. I stepped through the thicket into a field.

Okay, a western-style medieval town, that's not so bad. Two level buildings, thatched roofs, open air markets. Not as bad as it could be, not great, but not bad. All the multicolored horses seemed happy and healthy, strange markings on their flanks aside. Whenever they got around to inventing movies black and white films were going to be a bitch. Oh, more unicorns! And a pegusus! Many pegasus'es. Pegasi? Whatever. Oh they're moving around clouds! That's cool as shit! This whole world seems so amazing! Like a fantasy novel come to life! Was that human naked on a leash?... Well this just got creepy. I'm going back to the Forest o' Madness.

"Home is just this way, Mr. Human! Come on!" Dinky cried out, bouncing on my shoulders excitedly.

Oh right, I had a small child to get back to it's mother, then I could run for the hills. I calmly walked through the town trying not to cause a scene. Before I make and rash decisions, I need to know the culture. While the humans were tugged around on leashes, but they didn't seem to be resistant or even saddened by their apparent enslavement. They just kept that creepily emotionless face. I saw one man eating what appeared to be a very delicious apple pie, but showed no emotion during the eating, or when his handler came and dragged him away. He fought and was angry for a bit, but soon went back to his placid, emotionless state.

I picked up my speed a bit in an attempt to focus my thoughts. These humans were not people. People are individual beings of a rational nature. These... husks have no rationality in them. They are animals, beasts apparently domesticated for pet life. Those two are fucking right in the middle of the market! Does nobody care!? Okay, their owners are coming to get them- no, no, now they're watching. This is sick. Madness incarnate. I need a nap. And alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

"Hey Dinky!" My decent into the recesses of my psyche were postponed due to my current charge's name being called by a small yellow pony with a red mane and bow. About the same size but lacking the horn Dinky did. She was accompanied by a white unicorn with purple and pink mane who seemed really uncomfortable and an orange pegasus with a purple mane and tale. More children. Great. I'm a God damn petting zoo. Still cute though. The trio ran up to me while Dinky waved at them from my shoulders.

"Hey guys!" My ward called out. The young ponies came up to the middle of my shins, causing them to arc their heads up pretty high to see her.

"Wow! who's human is this!? He's huge!" The orange pegasus asked. I'm only six feet tall. that's only a smudge above average, though what these ponies consider humans do seem to be a little shorter.

"He's mine!" Dinky replied, "I found him in the Everfree Forest after I got chased by some wild humans. Then we got chased by a manticore, but Mr. Human here got me away safely. We jumped off this big cliff, and I thought we were going to die, but then he reached out and grabbed a vine, and we swung down just like Daring Do!"

"Wow! That's so cool!" The orange pony exclaimed. Yeah. It was pretty bad ass. It also hurt like a bitch.

"Don't he look like he belongs ta someone though? He's got all them fancy duds after all." The yellow child said, looking up and down my suit. Hey! I don't belong to no one, sister. "He's really tall to! Mah sister only has a few humans a big as him!" That southern drawl was almost adorable enough to not make that statement creepy. Almost.

"Well it's finders keepers! Somepony left him alone in the Everfree Forest and he almost died there!" Dinky replied.

"Ahm not sure human adoptin' works like that Dinky" The yellow one said.

"I don't care Applebloom. I'm going to take him home and make him my pet!" Ah, so Applebloom is her name. That's a pretty name. A little on the hippie side for my taste, but for a colorful pony it really fit. Bigger issue though is that I will not be some little brat's pet, no matter how adorable she is. God, I need a notepad. I need to explain to these ponies that I am not some mindless animal. Hell, I'm probably the smartest person in this town.

"This ain't about Diamond Tiara bragging about he dad gettin her a human of her own, is it?" Applebloom asked. Oh? I'm being claimed for some childish 'I'm better than you' competition? Well that just makes everything okay.

"NO!" Convincing Dinky. Also, ow, right in my ear. "I don't care about stupid Diamond Tiara and her stupid human. I found him, so I'm taking him home." Actually I'm taking you home, kid.

"I't looks like he's taking you home, Dinky." Thank you orange pony. When my terrible wrath comes, you shall be spared.

"S-shut up!" Dinky yelled, again right in my ear. I decided it was time to end the conversation. The sun was starting to go down and I needed to get this kid home and find a place for myself to rest my head. I turned away from the little ponies, continuing on the path from before, much to Dinky's displeasure. She whined for a while, then settled on pouting and grumbling about the 'stupid human needing to be trained more'. I ignored her as I continued walking, taking in the scenery. Overall the town seemed nice. All those... subhuman... humans freaked me out though. Other than them, it seemed like a little medieval hamlet. With Dinky's directions we arrived at a humble little cottage-style home. Cobblestone walls and a thatched roof like most of the buildings around with a stone chimney poking out the top. A mailbox sat out front that said 'Whooves' on the side and was bent at an angle, as if someone had run into it. I took the little pony up to her front door and knocked.

"Silly Mr. Human!" Dinky scolded in her adorable voice. "We live here, you don't have to knock!" Correction: You live here. I'm just visiting. I took her off my shoulders and held her in my arms as the door opened to a grey colored pegasus with a blonde mane and tail. The image on her flank was one of a stream of bubbles. Her eyes were off center briefly before focusing on the two of us before she gasped. "Hi Momma! Look what I found! Can we keep him!?" You most certainly can not!

"You most certainly can not!" These ponies seem to be able to read my thoughts. Chickenmougua Chickenmogua Chickenmogua Blast!. No response. good, my thoughts are safe. I put the young child down and her mother swept her up in her wings. "You can't just take someone else's human sweetie! That's stealing." the mother scolded her child. Normally I'd agree with her, but since I'm not property the argument falls flat.

"But he doesn't belong to someone momma! He was all alone in the Everfree Forest, with no one around! Please!" Oh no, she's going for those toddler eyes. The ones that ensnare parents to their children's whims, exept now their ten times effective due to the pony's large eyes. Avert your gaze, woman! Look away!

"Well... Okay. But just for one night, and then we look for his owner. Nopony would pay for such nice clothes for their human if they didn't want to keep it." No! Another parent lost to the tyranny of children! Well at least she can recognize a quality suit when she sees one. either way, I will not take part. I brought the child home, and now it was time to take my leave. I turned away and began walking down the path back to the main road.

"Wait! Mr. Human! You're supposed to come inside!" I heard Dinky cry. Nope. I'll find my own place to stay, even if it is in the dark. I'm sure I can find my way around. I'm a free and independent man! No one can hold me back! This darkness means nothing! On a strange new world. Filled with horrific monsters of legend. With no weapons but my puny pen knife. Alone. Was that a bunch of wolves howling in the distance? Well, I suppose one night in a warm cottage couldn't hurt.

I removed my hat as I entered the home. The inside of the cottage was warm and cozy. A couch, two armchairs, a fireplace, kitchen nook, separate bedrooms. It looked a bit like the inside of one of those retreat cabins they have in the mountains, only a bit smaller. I had to stoop down to get through the door, and the top of my hair brushed the surprisingly flat ceiling. While the fireplace wasn't lit, the space was lit up by a lamp. I assumed it was an oil lamp until I got closer and saw it was an actual bulb. An electric lamp! What was an electric lamp doing in the middle of a medieval era town was beyond me. No chords, maybe battery powered? A peak into the kitchen nook and saw a honest to God refrigerator. What the hell? Freaking talking horses can't make roofing shingles, but can power electronics? Whatever. The sight of the refrigerator did remind me that I hadn't eaten all day, which my stomach seemed more than happy to confirm.

"It sounds like our guest is a little hungry." The mother said with a bright smile. "Dinky, why don't you set him up with a bowel of fruit, and I'll get started on dinner."

"Okay momma!" Dinky replied, beaming that she got to take care of what she considered her new pet. While I was more than capable to make my own food, it would be considered rude and possibly violent if I just started rummaging through all my hosts food stuffs, especially when they just offered to feed me. I placed my hat on an armchair and gave myself a look over. my suit was dirty from my romp in the forest, and was tattered in a few spots. I really hoped this place had a tailor or something, this suit cost me a pretty penny. At least my hat wasn't damaged. I took my coat off, leaving me in my shirt and vest, and fished my valuables out of it's pockets. I didn't have much. Mechanical pencil, ink pen, my pen knife, and a pocket New Testament. I stored these Items with my wallet, smartphone, and a few cents change in my pants.

"Here you go Mr. Human!" Dinky came in with a bowel of fruit balanced on her back. She looked up at me and tilted her head. "Why'd you take your jacket off?" I held the tattered thing up for her to see. She looked closely and smiled. "My friend Sweetie Belle's sister can fix that! She's a really good dressmaker, so I'm sure she could fix it, but I'm pretty sure Sweetie is scared of humans, so we would have to bring it to her house when she was out." While I was thrilled to hear I could get my suit repaired, something told me it wouldn't be as easy as Dinky described. Besides, I didn't have any local money, and I doubt a bank would be able to exchange the few bills in my wallet. I sighed. Problems for the future. Right now I needed some grub.

I took the bowl from Dinky's back and sat on the couch. I then noticed I had no silverware.While it would be more convenient to have such luxuries, I didn't really need them to eat fruit and I was really starving. I picked up an apple slice and gave it a bite. It was good. Really good. Better than any apple I'd ever tasted. I nearly lost my cool at the sweet fruit when I also noticed how juicy it was. It practically oozed fluids, which both ran down my chin and my hand, threatening to get all over my dress shirt and tie. While the apple was good, I really didn't want to ruin one of the few clean articles of clothing I had left.

I stood up, startling Dinky who had been watching me eat, and made my way to the kitchen. Dinky's mother was wearing an apron and leaning over the stove, another questionable technology that defied the logic of this setting. She seemed to be grilling some vegetables or something. She looked a little perturbed at my entrance, and even more so when I started searching the drawers. Stirring spoons, spatulas, a cheese grater, strainer, why do ponies have all these different utensils if they don't have fingers? I found the forks and a few napkins for my chin in a small drawer on the far left, right next to Dinky's mom. I grabbed it, and took a sniff at what she was cooking. Decent, but bland. It needed some spice. The mother briefly stopped her cooking to look at me.

"W-what? Like what you smell, big guy?" She chuckled nervously. Instead of responding, because I couldn't, I carefully searched the near-barren spice rack. I grabbed a few and sprinkled them over her shoulder before returning to the living room and my fruit. Dinky had climbed up on the couch and taken to apparently levitating a slice of apple. The sight of the floating apple perturbed me, but seeing her horn glowing the same color as the small field around the apple showed a clear correlation, and seeing as she was a unicorn, why not have telekinesis powers as well? If I'm going to survive in this world, I'm going to need to keep my mind open to possibilities. What other powers does this world's residents posses? What could they do to me? What could I do to them? When will I stop distracting myself from eating some God damn food? Shut up stomach, you're not a part of this conversation.

I sat down and plucked the apple bit from the field with my newly acquired fork. This seemed to break Dinky's concentration as she plopped back down with a confused gaze. I inspected the apple bit and , seeing no imperfections, took a small nibble. The taste wasn't any different, and was the same temperature as before, so I don't think I would have to worry about radiation. I took a satisfying bite out of the apple, leaning forward over the bowl and dabbing my chin to prevent my clothes from getting messy. Dinky watched in awe for a moment before sprinting to the kitchen.

"Momma! Momma! Look at what Mr. Human can do!" Can do? Of course I can use a fork. I want to know how you use a fork. Bloody ponies. I was halfway through the bowl before Dinky's mother managed to tear herself away from the stove. She came in, saw me eating, and gasped.

"Well if there was any doubt before, there isn't any now. This human clearly belongs to someone. No human can pick up these kinds of habits without serious training." Dinky seemed depressed that her discovery would take away her new 'pet'. "But who would train their human like this? I've never heard of somepony training their human to eat like that." She seemed to be lost in thought as her eyes seemed to drift apart. I tried not to notice. I had a buddy a few years ago who had a lazy eye, he had a few problems with depth perception, but he didn't let it hold him back. He became one of those big-time internet artists.

We sat there as I finished off the bowl of fruit. Once I was done, I leaned back to let my digestive enzymes do their work, setting the bowl to the side. My blissful haze of 'just finished a good meal' was interrupted, however, when the distinctive smell of smoke drifted through the kitchen door way. Dinky's mom seemed to realized it at the same time, snapping from her haze and flying back to the stove. I followed her in to find that the grilling vegetables had apparently burst into flames. Dinky's mom was in a panic and immediately tried throwing water onto the fire, only for the flames to jump from the frying pan to the rest of the stove. Christ, woman! How much oil did you use!?

Acting swiftly, I grabbed my coat from the armchair and began trying to smother the flames. The distraught mother caught on quickly and began using a large dish towel in a similar manner. We eventually got the fire down, but not before my coat got ruined and my shirt and vest burnt and covered in soot. Dinky's mother went to the living room to comfort her child, who had begun crying as the chaos occurred. I myself decided to fix a new dish for the pair, seeing as their dinner was just destroyed. I went into the fridge, whose properties were that of a normal fridge despite the apparent time period, and proceeded to make a pair for fruit bowls. Simple, easy and quick. I brought the meals out to the mother and daughter, placing the bowls before them. They stared at me. It was one of those awe/shocked stares that got awkward if it lasted too long. Aaaaaand now it's awkward. I shuffled my feet for a moment before making a retreat back to the kitchen. The fates, it seemed though, were not with me, as my body chose that moment to remind me I hadn't vacated my bowels all day, what with fleeing for my life and experiencing enough culture shock to power New York City for a week. I made a hasty bee line towards what I assumed was the bathroom, trying hard not to notice the stares.

I opened the small door and saw a short sink, a pony sized tub, and what looked like a traditional Japanese toilet. Got it in one. I shut the door, securing the sliding lock, and proceeded to try to figure out how to do my business. Maybe if I just squat over like this...

Dinky Whooves

I watched Mr. Human go into the bathroom and heard the lock slide shut. It didn't make sense, humans weren't this smart. Humans usually go just wherever until you house train them. That's what Applebloom says. He brought me home, ate with a fork, helped put out that big fire, and then made me and mommy dinner. Mommy is right. He's way to well trained and dressed to be a human somepony just abandoned. His owners probably miss him very much. But what was he doing in the Everfree Forest then? It just didn't make any sense. I looked at the fruit bowl Mr. Human had made for me. Diamond Tiara said her daddy got her the best human money could buy, but it was still a stupid animal. It just stood there and stared. Mr. Human doesn't just stare, he looks. When we were going through town, he kept looking at all the different things and making faces at them. He actually looked happy sometimes, but mommy said humans can't smile. I ate the fruit slowly as I thought.

"Mommy, why can't humans smile?" I asked. Mommy would know. She's smart like that.

"I-I don't know muffin. They just can't. You could probably ask Miss. Sparkle at the library, she knows more about it than I do, or she has a book on it." Mommy answered. She was right, Miss. Sparkle was one of the smartest ponies in Ponyville. If anyone knew it was her.

"Mr. Human can smile, though." I said, "I saw it earlier today when he was looking at the weather teams. He had a smile on and I think he even laughed a little."

"I think Mr. Human might be a little different from most humans, Dinky." Mommy said while picking at her own fruit. She was right. Mr. Human was different. Maybe we could take him to see Miss Fluttershy tomorrow. She knows all about animals. She'll be able to tell how special Mr. Human is! We heard the water running in the bathroom and then the lock slide open. Mr. Human walked out and looked at us. We looked back. Mr. Human looked nervous for a bit, shifting from foot to foot. Then he gave a smile and side stepped into mommy's bedroom, closing the door. Mommy gasped, I guess she didn't really believe me when I told her Mr. Human could smile. Me and mommy finished the fruit bowls, though mommy ate a bit slower. She put up the dishes and sent me to bed. I went to sleep thinking about showing off how cool my human was in school tomorrow. Even if Mommy says I can't keep him, it doesn't mean I can't show up Diamond Tiara and all her bragging.

Derpy Whooves

I sat nervously in one of the chairs opposite my room. That strange human was in there, most likely sleeping in his weird clothes. I didn't want to show it in front of Dinky, but that human scared me. The way he moves is too sharp and precise to be normal. Every action was with a purpose, every look gathering information. He was smart. Too smart. Too smart for any human. So what was he? I got down and slowly made my way to the door. I hesitated before I opened it. What if he was mean? What if he wanted to hurt us? I had to shake those thoughts away. If he had wanted to hurt us, he would have had plenty of opportunity.

I opened the door to the sight of the human without his fancy shirt and vest on. Instead he had a white shirt without all the buttons his other one had, and it didn't cover his arms. He was looking in the mirror rubbing his face before he turned to look at me. I shrunk a little under his gaze. He had a different look in his eyes than humans. It was a little intimidating.

"D-don't mind me. I was just getting to bed. G-gotta big day tomorrow." I stuttered. He smiled, smiled, again and nodded. He understood me! He could understand us this whole time! I didn't expect what came next. He picked me up gently and carried me to bed. I panicked a little, my instincts telling me to flee, but he began stroking my mane and I calmed down. His fingers felt so good running through my hair. It was relaxing. He stroked my mane a few more times after he put me in my bed, then collected his clothes and left. I fell right asleep.

That night I dreamed of the human. I had actually been thinking about getting a human from Applejack for a while. one that could help me with some of the household chores and play with Dinky, but also kinda to give me something to cuddle up with. I wasn't one of those 'fanciers' who do... intimate things with their humans. Ever since Dinky's father Starbright passed on, I've been a little lonely. None of the stallions in town wanted to go out with me, didn't want to be with a klutz with a wonky eye. But humans don't judge like that. I was planning on sometime soon seeing if Applejack had any particularly cuddly ones. She usually just breeds humans for labor in the fields, but occasionally she gets one she can't use because he is just a little to short, or don't play well with other humans. Most are fine with ponies though.

But this human, he was really different. He really understood me to! I-if I asked... Would he cuddle with me? Or if he is as smart as I think, would he just send me away, like the other stallions? My dreams were conflicted that night. Some of them were filled with peaceful cuddling, but others were of rejection from not just him, but all humans and stallions, doomed to be lonely forever.

I woke up to the smells and sounds of breakfast cooking. Immediately fearing Dinky had tried to get he cooking cutie mark without me again (an idea she got from those Cutie Mark Crusaders), I rushed out of my room into the kitchen. The human was there, still in just his simple shirt, crouched over the stove cooking some strips of hay bacon and eggs. On the table was some bowls of sliced fruit. The human seemed to be humming a tune as he worked. I walked to the table and saw a note next to the apple slices. I gasped as I read it.

My name is Peter Williams.
I am an alien with no way home.
Please enjoy breakfast.

Author's Note

Well there's the second chapter for you. I hope it lives up to your expectations.