Derpy Hooves

I trotted home from work with haste, avoiding eye contact with everypony. How was I supposed to act? There was an ALIEN in my HOUSE! Who could I tell? Who should I tell? Should I tell the guard? No, Mr. Williams is nice, he doesn't deserve to be arrested just for being different from the rest of the humans. But was he really nice, or was he just pretending? He didn't seem violent, but we had only known him for a day! Oh, why did it have to be so hard?

I finally arrived home and opened the door. Mr. Williams was lounging on my couch with a towel around his waist while reading the newspaper. He looked up when I opened the door and panicked for a moment. He jumped up, causing the towel to fall from it's place around his waist. in a flash the paper took it's place as he tried to reach down and retrieve the cloth. I had never seen a human blush before, probably because they couldn't feel embarrassment, but Mr. Williams did light up brightly. Keeping the paper in front of him, he quickly sidestepped into the kitchen.

I stood there, watching the doorway, wondering what caused his reaction. It's not like I hadn't seen a human penis before. Humans went around naked all the time in Ponyville, and while some teenagers would snicker and stare once hormones hit, most everypony just ignored it. It's not like ponies wore clothes either, outside of social events. Maybe it was an alien thing? I waited in the living room for a few minuets before he walked back in, fully clothed like he had yesterday, minus the coat which was draped on his arm. In his hands were the notepad I used for grocery shopping lists, his metal pencil he wrote with this morning, and a pre-prepared note.

Sorry about that, I washed my clothes this morning and was waiting for them to dry over the sink.
I didn't mean to give you the free show.

I read his note and smiled, shaking my head, "It's okay. Humans are naked just about all the time. I didn't see anything anyway, so you don't need to be embarrassed." He shook his head and continued writing.

No, it's not. Among my people it is considered massively inappropriate to appear naked
or really in a state of undress in front of someone who is not a close friend or lover. It implies...

He looked away as he considered how to phrase his thoughts.

Intimacy.

I read the words and, as I began to understand his meaning, my own face began to flush. If being naked implied... intimacy ... then appearing naked in front of me would mean a want to... I shook my head to clear my thoughts. Just thinking about such a thing made me uncomfortable. I could already feel my wings twitch against my own will, so I didn't want to delve any deeper down that hole. While I was having my momentary space out, Mr. Williams had continued writing.

If it is possible, I would like to go to the market today.
I have a small list of things I need to get, and I need some source of income.

Oh, yeah. I had forgotten about our conversation earlier this morning. I sighed, "Like I said this morning, Mr. Williams, you can't. Humans don't get jobs for money, they mostly do manual labor for food from their owners. It's not like you can just walk into Town Hall and get a work pass." The human smirked.

Funny, that's what I plan to do.

I gaped at him. "You can't do that! Everypony will know you're intelligent then!"

That's kind of the point.
I don't fancy the idea of living my life as a particularly talented animal.
I am still an intelligent being, and I must demand the dignity that comes with it.

I stared at him. Here I was, wondering how we were going to keep his secret, and he was planning the equivalent of declaring it in the town square. I could feel a headache coming on, and I rubbed my head. "We can talk about this later. Give me that list, I'll buy you whatever you need for now, I have some bits saved up." I reached for the paper, but he pulled it away, scribbling furiously at the notepad.

No! You have already taken me, an alien into you're home, I cannot let you buy me my essentials as well while it is in my power to earn them.

I sighed. He was dead set on this. I needed to go to the market anyway to get the supplies for dinner. "Fine, you can come to the market with me. We can talk about this on the way, just don't do any writing where ponies can see you. I don't want to know the kind of chaos that would unfold if ponies figured out a human could be intelligent." He rolled his eyes, but reluctantly nodded.

Very well, I agree. I must thank you again Miss...

The human looked at me briefly, then smacked his face with his palm. He scratched out what he wrote before and replaced it.

I just realized I've been living in your home for a day, and I don't even know your name.

I chuckled reading this, and smiled. "My name is Derpy, Derpy Whooves, Mr. Williams" I held out my hoof. He took it with a smile and gave a firm shake. When he let go he wrote down on the pad:

A pleasure, Miss Whooves, And please, call me Peter.

Peter Williams

I followed Derpy down the road towards Ponyville, satisfied that we were able to come to some sort of agreement. It would take some time to convince her of my need for civil protection, time I wasn't sure I had, but I still wouldn't want to just sneak off and do something like this behind her back. She was a kind, caring individual. That left me in a bind, though, as I still needed to get some supplies, namely a razor to shave, extra clothes, preferably something more durable than my dress clothes, better writing supplies, and a few odds and ends.

I didn't mind the 'no writing where the ponies can see you' rule, since it is difficult to write and walk at the same time anyway, the my handwriting is marginally better than chicken scratch if I'm not trying to be neat, so doing it while walking would only complicate the issue. I suppose I can understand why she would be nervous about letting my alien-hood be known, the government busting down her door for questions being the best of all possible outcomes. When I make my move, I'll have to be proactive in my introduction. I can't expect the ponies to just come and politely request an interview. I'll probably need my own home by that point, but how to get one?

I suppose I'd have to talk to the ponies at Town Hall, figuratively, of course. from what I was able to gather from the newspaper I read, the cities and towns of Equestria were governed by elected mayors, then another level of authority at a regional level, then a sort of two monarch absolute rule, almost like the Consoles of Rome. I would need to do more research into how this world's political system. everything I know so far is based on what I read in the paper, which means I know nothing at all.

"Okay, so we need some carrots, a few apples, some celery, some daffodils, and a few more ingredients. then we can go to Human-Mart to get some supplies and diet pills." Derpy listed off our objectives for our excursion. I rolled my eyes. If this really was an all-veggie society, integration was going to suck. Then again, with this many humans about, maybe they had some sort of meat, or at least a decent meat substitute. Unlikely, but a man can dream.

My companion continued to ramble as we walked, and I tuned her out to do some people watching. Pony watching might be a more appropriate wording, but I was watching the humans as well. They were being pulled around on leashes, occasionally distracted by a shiny object, only to be brought back in line with a swift tug. A few even had some hap-hazard clothes, mostly sack-cloth tunics that went down to their lower thighs. Similarly, their owners had some simple dresses that covered their flanks. They didn't have an "upper crust" feel to them, but were clearly more elevated socially than average ponies Probably merchants and businessmen-ponies. I briefly wondered how humans belonging to nobility and the super rich lived. Probably like those poor Chihuahuas that live in celebrity purses; like status symbols rather than animals.

We passed in front of an apple stall run by a large red stallion. He was in fact the largest pony I had seen so far, and clearly either grew and worked the apple orchard himself or lived a the gym to back up those muscles. I was still taller by a good two feet, but he beat me by sheer mass. Guy could probably knock me out with a love tap. Not a fellow I would want to tangle with. While Derpy did her business with the mammoth pony, I resumed my occupation of watching the market day. I looked at the buyers, the sellers, the currency, everything.

The money seemed to be single coins of the same size, but I couldn't see the markings on them. One of the peculiar things I noticed was there was a stall for every produce, some with several kinds, but no two stalls sold the same thing. Prices of items depended entirely on their popularity. interesting. Must be a small town to have such a limited market, or a strong farmer's union. The produce did look fresh though, so it must all be grown locally. Overall it was a peaceful day at the market.

My thoughts were interrupted when a lithe pony slipped between Derpy and I, snatching the mare's saddlebags from her back. Derpy let out a yelp of shock as the bags were pilfered from her flanks. The poor stall keep looked torn between giving chase to the thief and guarding his goods from any accomplices he may have had. I decided, since my welfare was determined by Derpy's immediate available income, to retrieve the bags and put this thief in his place. I could hear Derpy call out to me as I darted out of sight.

The little bastard was quick. He darted left, the right, then left down a series of alleys almost too tight to slip through. We jumped and ducked and sprinted. His quadrupedal nature did make him faster than me, but I was clearly the smarter one as I made short cuts and crowds parted for me. I kept up the chase up to a point where the path made a u-turn down a flight of stairs and suddenly every Assassin's Creed game came back to me. The thief made the turn and went down the stairs as I waited. The opportunity came, and I jumped.

Of course, not everything played out like I had envisioned in my head. During my lift off, my foot slipped, turning my jump into more of a tumble. I tried to correct myself, but ended up knocking my ankle into the ledge. I then fell, back first, onto the thief pony. My right elbow conked the bastard right on the head, but my left, attempting to break my fall, smashed into the ground. It didn't break, but it did send a pain through my funny bone that at the time I was sure was permanent. The rest of my body followed my elbow and I was swiftly reminded as to why one should not store bulging items in one's pockets. The blunt end of my pencil pressed into my thigh, and ultimately the writing utensil cracked. The ankle that had been knocked by the ledge also hit a large rock as it hit the ground as well, adding to my misery. My head was the only part of me saved as what little of my martial arts training was left in my head kicked in and I tucked it to my chest.

I fall six feet and nearly kill myself. I am Edward Kenway.

I groaned, slowly rolling over and crawling to the unconscious thief. I retrieved Derpy's bag and sat up, making sure it wasn't damaged during my botched leap of faith. Once my inspection was complete, I looked at the perpetrator. It was a yellow stallion with purple hair, or mane and tail rather. Flank mark was a small pile of coins. This guy had stolen from my friend right in front of me, then the bastard had made me chase him halfway across town and fall off a ledge. I took the rest of his stuff too. It doesn't count as stealing if you're robbing thieves, right? You can't mug a mugger. Besides, I needed some cash of my own, and Derpy did have a point. Until I firmly establish myself as an intelligent being, which may take some time, nobody with a proper mind was going to hire me for actual money, and I don't work for peanuts... Not anymore...

After checking the thief's belongings, which wasn't much, considering he's a petty pickpocket, I came to about thirteen coins and a ratty saddlebag I managed to ad hoc into a backpack. If the prices I saw at the market were any indication of general pricing worked, I might be able to get some simple commodities for myself without relying on Derpy's kindness. Poor mare already had enough to put up with, trying to secretly house an alien who didn't want to be a secret. I strolled out of the alley and looked around, only to find I had no idea where the hell I was. It seemed to be the business center of town, with actual shops, instead of the produce stalls I saw at the market. I spotted a shop titled "Human Mart", and decided to go there first, if only for the curiosity to find out what ponies considered fit supplies for human treatment.

I began to walk toward the shop, limping slightly from my surely bruised ankle, when I paused. A delightfully cool breeze drifted across my clean underwear. With dread I looked down and confirmed my suspicions. My failed assassination attempt had ripped a hole in my best and only pair of pants, right along the seam. Someone up there is really pissing in my coffee today. I should have kicked that thief in the balls while I was robbing him. I limped up tho the store, and angry scowl plastered across my face. I got to the front door and saw it adorned with a paper sign with bold lettering.

NO HUMANS ALLOWED INSIDE THE STORE

For a full thirty seconds I stared at the sign. Then I let out my frustrations. What kind of segregationist bullshit was this!? Humans not allowed in the human supply store!? What, were they afraid I'd eat all the kibble!? That I might shit on the damned linoleum!? I might piss on the manager!? Fuck this sign! I tore the sign down, then proceed to tear it into little pieces before gently stomping into the shop.

Author's Note

Sorry for the delay. I do most of my writing on the weekends, and my last two have been busy as a worker bee, striving to please it's tyrannical overlord.

How does one "gently stomp" anyway?