Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

I woke up to the smell of... Is that pancakes? I love pancakes! But I don't smell bacon, that's just wrong... Wait, I'm not making pancakes... Who the hell's in my house? I jumped up from where I lay, and see a pony making breakfast. This is also a couch, not my bed, which meant it hadn't conformed to me yet, making it inferior. And then the anvil fell, and I remembered what'd transpired last night. Well this's a bitch... I internally grumble as I make my way over to where Sparx was making some pancakes. Picking the pen and paper off the table, I jot down a new note before tapping her on the shoulder.

What's for me?

"Hell if I know," she replied while flipping her pancakes on to a plate, "just do whatever it is you usually do. I mean, you're a grown ass stallion, aren't you?"

I poke her for such insolence. Man

"Close enough. I'm done with the kitchen, so have at it. Just, for Goddess's sake, don't burn the place down." I was told as she made her way to the table.

Figuring I might as well follow her lead, I started making my own pancakes, though I made sure to add a generous heap of cinnamon and a dash of sugar. Soon the smell of pancakes got stronger, and I piled them onto a plate and sat across from where Sparx was lazily picking at what was left on her plate. Smothering the pancakes in syrup, I dug into them, my eyes lighting up and a grin splitting my face when I got a taste of the syrup. Grabbing my pen, I hurriedly scribbled.

Holy shit, is this real maple syrup?

"There's maple syrup that isn't real?" I didn't even bother writing a reply, I just got up and gave her a hug and a peck on the cheek, then went back to devouring the delicious food. Her expression, however, was priceless.

"What the fuck! At least give me a warning next time so I can tell you to go suck a dick!"

That was the only way I could truly express my love for this syrup. To call it delicious would be a folly an understatement!

"Okay, fine, but if you do that again, I'll hand you over to a mad scientist. Trust me when I tell you that you do not want to be known by them, seeing as they'd probably dissect you. But don't worry, I'm sure they'd be able to keep you alive through the process," she finished with an evil grin. My only response was to throw a hand up in surrender. I should have had both hands up, but I was still using one for food.

Finally, after I'd finished the food and tidied up the kitchen, we ended up in the living room. Sparx went and grabbed a rather fancy looking pair of saddlebags and slung them over her back.

"Okay big boy, first lesson's in pick pocketing, I'm sure those fingers of yours should be good for that. These bags each have something of value inside, all you've got to do is get them out without me noticing. Got it?" I could have wrote something down, but that'd be boring, so I just gave her my best salute.

"Good, shall we?" And with that, practice begun.

God, this is such a pain in the ass... I'd been trying for hours to get something, anything, out of those accursed bags without her noticing. I'd wait a random set of time, and then go for it, but as soon as I'd so much as touched the thing, she would just turn around with a huge smirk on her face before telling me to try again. Then, a devious plan entered my mind. Fuck it, all systems go! I lunged for her, giving her a huge hug.

"Get off me! You're supposed to be stealing stuff, not assaulting me!" The mare yelled at me, one of her eyes slightly twitching. Seeing the danger in that twitch, I hop back.

"So, are you going to try again? Or do you just want me to kick your ass?" Giving her my best smirk, which is a damn good one, I revealed a ring in one hand, and a small coin purse in the other.

"Really? Instead of getting good at what I asked, you cheat?" Sparx deadpanned while I grabbed my notepad.

Eyup, that's how my Humans do it. If you can't do it the right way, come up with one that still gets the job done. Loopholes are a specialty of ours.

"Good, can't have some moral crusader trying to act a part and screwing it up. I don't have a bounty to my name, and I don't intend to get one!" Then she glared at me, which was still disturbingly cute in a deathly manner. "And this is your last warning about touching me without permission.

Okay, I won't do it again. Also, you should know that you don't do scary very well. Every time you glare at me like that, I swear I'm going to have a diabetes induced heart attack. I mean, I'm generally not one for cute, but I highly doubt you could do anything and it not be utterly cute.

Reading over it, her sandy colored fur failed to cover the slight blush. "You think I'm cute? Really? And why do you think that?" She sounded like she couldn't decide whether it was a compliment or an insult.

I think it's the eyes, though being so colorful doesn't help matters, and I really can't pinpoint what exactly it is. Then again, it's probably a combination. However, I do know I'm going to have to come out with a new line of stuffed animal toys when I get back to Earth. I'm telling you, a plushy of you would sell like wildfire to little girls.

"Really? You're already thinking of how to make money off of this? That's almost despicable, in a sad way."

Says the thief who makes her living by robbing others.

"That's beside the point, mostly because if those greedy fucks can afford their own castle, they can afford a bit of silverware to go missing on occasion."

I just chuckled at that.Stealing is stealing, no amount of justification's going to make it "right" you know.

"True, but at least I'm not thinking like them."

Is it so wrong to make some quick cash so that I can live comfortably? Besides, it's not like it will affect this universe. I mean, what are they going to do? Learn to spy on this dimension and make a little show for girls called My Little Pony?

She pulled a face at that, "Yeah, I see your point... Now try again! And this time without touching me!"

Yes ma'am. And with that, we went back to the grueling exercise of me trying to rob her blind.

Turning around, Sparx gave me a smile as she lifted the saddlebags off and put them in their place.

"Good job, tomorrow we'll go out and let you loose on the general public." I just looked at her in confusion.

But I only managed to snatch something when I hugged you, wouldn't I just get caught?

"No idea, but it's not like I was taking it easy on you. A regular citizen, especially one of those rich snobs, wouldn't have near as much situational awareness as me. Besides, what could possibly go wrong?" She reassured me with a wink.

I'm not even going to say it, I'd hate to give whichever deity of cosmic balance you worship any ideas.

"Don't worry so much, I'll be able to get us out of trouble if you screw up."

I'm going to hold you to that. So what's for dinner? My rumbling stomach giving away any thoughts of passing it off as just being curious.

Sparx chuckled at my poor stomach, which was still rumbling audibly. "I was thinking of making some spaghetti, it's easy enough to make an extra helping of that."

Sounds great, haven't had veggie spaghetti before!

"Good enthusiasm, because I make a mean spaghetti!" The sandy mare replied as she begin to gather what she needed for the food.

Need any help?

"Nope, I've got this." She replied, before adding, "So, what's it like in your world?"

She started cooking, using her magic to pull out all of the food and dishes she'd need as I mulled it over, as it's a bit hard to try and describe humanity in a brief manner.It's full of all kinds. You've got saints, sinners, and everything between and beyond. We're highly technologically advanced, to the point where we can make more progress in the realms of science in a year than was made in first two thousand years of recorded history.

"So how exactly advanced are we talking here?" Her face slightly awed thinking of the possibilities.

Well, we put a man on the moon about fifty years ago, using computers that required entire rooms to hold them. I pulled my phone from my pocket, a Samsung Galaxy, and showed it to her.This is easily a hundred times more powerful than that computer was. I don't know the specifics, but it could even be a thousand times more powerful instead.

"Wait, you put a pony on the moon? Why would you do that? And wouldn't they get in trouble for it?"

Why would they get in trouble for landing on the moon?

"I'm sure Princess Luna wouldn't like it if random ponies started running around on her moon."

Her moon?

"Yeah, Luna controls the moon, and Celestia the sun."

I just sort of stare blankly at her as I write.Define 'control' please

"Move it around, keep the days or nights from getting too long, stuff like that. Don't you have somepony like that?"

You're telling me that your Princesses move the sun and moon around? And no, Earth orbits the sun, and the moon orbits Earth. The look on my face was probably priceless, but this was some crazy shit.

"That's weird, and what is that thing, anyway?" Her hoof pointed at my phone, which I'd laid on the table.

Do you have telephones here?

"Yeah, why?"

It's a wireless phone, that has many uses. Well, it did, I doubt I'll get service here, and even if you do have electricity, I don't have my charger.

She just shook her head as she put the finishing touches on the food. "You're telling me you can talk to people with that thing? Without any wires?"

Compared to being told that you seem to have deities for princesses, telling you this thing can talk to someone on the other side of the world shouldn't be unbelievable.

"If you say so." She didn't look convinced, but she apparently had decided to drop it as she set a pair of plates full of spaghetti down on the table. "Eat up, tomorrow's going to be a hectic day."

Nodding in agreement, I dug into the spaghetti. It was quite delicious, though sadly lacking in sausage or hamburger. It seems that my ability to enjoy eating just about anything would come in handy, since I couldn't see myself getting a piece of bacon any time soon, let alone a steak. Of course, since this place did have humans, it wouldn't hurt to ask.

Any chance I'll be able to get a steak at some point? Or maybe some bacon? I do rather love me some bacon. I tapped my fork on my plate to get her attention, which had been solely focused on her food.

"Uh... We should be able to, there's a butcher over in the gryphon's district. Never liked the place, terrible smell, but you can almost always count on it disturbing the Solar Guards." She chuckled, before adding, "You'd really think the guard that's supposed to be protecting us all from harm would be a little less squeamish. Sadly, you can't pull that trick on the Lunar Guard, they'll just keep chasing you without so much as a cough."

Why is there two distinct guards? Couldn't that cause issues in the chain of command?

"It's about as rare as a snowball in Tartarus, but I've seen it happen once or twice. As for two? It's because the Solar Guard is Celestia's guard, and I suppose you'd call them the normal guard, since they tend to be the ones that deal with domestic matters. The Lunar Guard, however, is Luna's personal guard. They tend to be a little more... specialized. That, and there's not very many of them, just one for every major town and the area around them."

So, like rangers?

"I've no idea what a ranger is."

The kind I'm thinking of is from a book, and they had one ranger for every fief. They tended to work alone, and specialized in high priority threats, gathering intelligence, and being sneaky bastards in general.

"Okay then, like rangers. They usually don't get involved unless they notice it, or if it's something big. Seriously, I almost got caught by one of them when I was starting out, and I only got away by chance, which is why I do my best to make sure I keep a low profile. Get a big enough bounty, and they'll find you."

So, avoid Lunar Guards. Got it.Noticing her empty plate, I added.Done?

"Yeah, why?" She replied, slightly perplexed.

I'll get the dishes, you go do whatever it is you do, it's the least I can do I gave her an award winning smile as she read it.

"So, brownie points? Sure, go ahead, just don't break them."

You think I'm doing this for brownie points, and not out of the goodness of my heart? I'm sorely wounded!My arms fly up, exaggerating the remark. She just laughed as she went to her room.

Well, guess I'd better get to work... Why the hell did I volunteer for dishes? I hate doing dishes... Shrugging, I start the drudgery, letting my mind wander back to the good old days when I wasn't surrounded by talking unicorns. The cleaning didn't last very long, since there wasn't that many lying around. Pondering what to do next, I just decide to take a nap until something happens.

"Hey, you, get your ass up!" I roll off the couch at the sound of the voice, and start popping my joints as I wake up.

Yes, Your Highness? And that's a punch to the leg, definitely a violent one.

"It's time for work. But before we start, there's two things I'm not sure if I've mentioned before. First is that while we're out, you'll have to wear a collar and leash." She's laughing at the look of pure terror on my face, how rude. "And secondly, you'll have to keep your face under control, since our humans can really only show fear, pain, and anger."

You're telling me they can only show complex thoughts if they're negative? What kind of bullshit is that?

"Do I look like a scientist to you?"

Fair point, anything else?

"Well, you'll have to at least take your shirt off, since humans generally don't have much in the way of clothes, and your boots, they'll have to go too."

With an indignant look, I write the only right answer to such a thing. No.

"And how are you going to look incongruous with boots and a shirt?"

Take the shirt, but the boots stay. I don't care if I get taken in for 'examination, the boots stay.

"Really? You're that attached to those things?" The mare's face was full of surprise, with a hint of exasperation at the thought that boots were where I drew the line.

Yes. Though there's also the practical reasons that I don't have hooves and I've worn boots most of my life, walking around barefoot will likely tear my feet up. And I do NOT want to be running for my life with my feet shredded.

"Fine, if you insist. Now, are you ready to head out?" Eyeing the dangling collar and leash, I take off my shirt before she magically fastens it around my neck. "Now come along, my pet." The mare's smirk is massive, measures will have to be taken later to fix this.

It turns out there was a good reason for the lack of windows, a minor detail that I hadn't quite noticed before, since Sparx's house was underground. As soon as we'd left the front door, it because clear that we were in the sewers, with walls made of the same red bricks that lined her home. All in all it was a fairly generic fantasy sewer, there were even rats to kill! Fortunately, none of them were of the monstrous fire-breathing variety. Finally reaching a ladder, Sparx stops as she gets to the top.

"Remember, dull face. Pretend to be stupid, even though I'm sure that's easy for you." Being on a ladder, she couldn't look behind herself very well, so I gave a slap on the flanks as acknowledgement. While it's not as bad as getting kicked by a horse, I quickly learned that these ponies weren't slacking off leg on day.

Dragging myself up, I realize we're in a dark alley, one of those big city types with trash everywhere and barely enough room to squeeze a car through if you're not fond of your mirrors. As we headed towards the street, the waning light of dusk was shining, and I was actually rather curious as to what a sunset would look like in a new world. Out in the street, ponies of every color in the spectrum were steadily making their way through the city, probably heading towards home.

This place... That's a pegasus, that one's... as normal as a purple pony with neon green hair can be. Holy shit, that's a gryphon... I just stare at the ground and follow Sparx, all of these sights are starting to become overwhelming.

"Okay boy, time to see if you've learned anything," the sandy mare tells me as she takes the leash off and takes a seat on a nearby bench. Scouting the area, I noticed an earth pony mare in a particularly frilly dress with a pair of nice and big pockets. Heading toward her, she notices me and starts talking at me.

"Aren't you a pretty boy? Where's your owner at? I'm sure she's upset that you're missing!" I tilt my head, as she talks, and sit down in front of yellow mare.

"Lost boy?" My only response is to start running my fingers through her dark green mane, eliciting a slight shudder. "Now I know just what you're for!" I just keep petting her with one hand while I slide my other gently into a pocket, and pull out a gem-studded make-up case, which I slide into my back pocket.

"Come on boy, I'll help you find your owner in the morning, it's late outside and you can't spend the night wandering alone." Wow, this place really does consider me nothing more than a pet. Sparx decided to come to my rescue as the yellow mare pulled a leash out of her purse.

"Jon! How dare you run off like that! You almost gave me a heart attack!" Sparx was really hamming it up as she trotted up and gave me a hug, before turning to the yellow mare. "Thanks for keeping him out of trouble, I don't know what I'd do if my little Jonny got hurt!"

"Don't worry my dear, the pleasure was all mine. And if you don't mind me asking, where does he work?"

"Down at the spa on the corner of Willow Lane." Sparx replied without missing a beat.

"Thanks dear, I'll have to drop by sometime. Ta!" And with that, the frilly mare walked off, oblivious to what had just happened to her.

"Good job Jack, you managed to not fuck up!"

Pulling out my notepad, I simply write. Duh, if she was anymore of an air-head, she'd be able to fly.

"Yeah, most of the rich ones are. Now, let's head toward the park and see what we can find. It's a bit late, but the park is a favorite haunt of theirs." Back to being lead by a leash, yay. At least the pony-watching was decent as we made our way.

The park was beautiful, there was no other way to say it. I gazed upon more trees than I knew the names of, shaped hedges, bushes, countless flowers, and the occasional statue with little ponds and hills peppering the landscape. While it probably wasn't as beautiful in the winter, in late spring it was marvelous. The setting sun sealed it's perfection in splashes of color and shadows.

"Not many ponies here, so I'm going to let you go solo. If you get into trouble, just run for it, I'll find you." I nodded as I began to explore my new surroundings.

After some time, I came across a yellow bearded fellow with a dark orange coat that just oozed wealth, maybe it was the monocle and pipe, or maybe it was the generic looking money bag sitting on the bench by him. Looking around for witness, I begin to creep up behind him, alert to any odd noise that might give me away. A rustle of leaves startles me slightly, but a quick look shows me it was just a squirrel, so I continue to inch forward. Slipping into the bag without him noticing was quite easy, so I skimmed a handful of coins off the top before walking on my merry way. Well, that's what I planned to do, but a dark blur tackled me to the ground and stood on my chest after I'd made it about thirty feet.

"Now, where do you think you're going?" The granite colored mare asked me. Well fuck, I do believe I've found the Lunar Guard... I tell myself as I take in the details of her dark purple armor, golden slitted eyes, a crimson mane, and her ears had these odd tufts at the end, for some reason. "I think you've got something that belongs to that gentlestallion over there." Oh, and fangs, can't forget the fangs.

Once my brain realized I was fucked, I did something no rational being should ever do, and head-butted her straight in the face, ignoring the fact she still had her helm on. The good news is that it got her off me, and I ran as fast as I could manage with the stars blocking my view. The bad news is that I didn't do anything other than shock the mare, who tackled me again a few seconds later, and made sure I landed on my face this time.

"I know humans aren't the smartest, but are you really that stupid?" The mare stated with amazement as she cuffed both my hands and feet, then attached a piece of rope to the collar around my neck "Now come along, dog."

Noticing the bow and full quiver across her back, I realized that these Lunar Guards were indeed this universes Rangers. Well fuck... And with that, we started to trudge towards our destination, wherever that may be.