Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

Took ya long enough! Oh, wait, right... Instead, I just give her a flat look, since she seemed to be waiting for some sort of answer.

"Oh, I brought you a present!" Sparx whispered excitedly as she pulled out a dry erase board and a marker from her saddlebags and handed it to me.

Oh goody! I can speak again! Sorta! But we should probably leave sooner than later, don't want Kemo to wake up and catch you.

"Kemo?"

The ranger, that's her name. Meet me out front, I'll be right there. I write out before I untie myself. With a confused look on her face, the mare starts walking towards the front of the house.

With a devious grin, I sneak into the house to enact my master plan. Inside the kitchen, I find the small stack of loose paper that I'd noticed the night before, and write a little message for my new friend Kemo.

You know, Kemo, "Luna's Rangers" sounds so much better than "Lunar Guard." You should really put up a motion to Princess Luna to see if you can get it changed. Ori'vor'e cyar'ika, Jack Smith.

Leaving the letter sitting in on her table, I sneak out the front door and motion to Sparx that we should head off. Once out of earshot of the cabin, I scribbled a message as we walk.

So what took you so long? I asked with a smirk.

"I had to figure out if the guard had dumped you off at a shelter or something, so I got to take a tour of every bloody shelter in the city." Sparx groaned at the memory, "This city has so many shelters, I'm surprised they haven't just released them back into the wilds or something."

In a city of this size, I can't say I'm surprised. So what's the plan?

"Well, I'm going to continue on with my life while you keep your head down for awhile." The mare told me with a slight glare to make sure I knew there wasn't to be any arguing.

Calm your tits lady, I've no wish to end up back in Kemo's care. Even if she was soft and cuddly.

"And do I even want to know how you know that?"

Of course you do! It's because last night when she was sleeping, I untied the rope and snuck into her room and hopped in bed with her. She didn't take it too well when she woke up, but between the cuddlyness and her reaction, it was well worth it.

"You're a pervert, you know that? I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't just let her keep you..." Sparx seemed rather unsettled by that, for some odd reason.

Well, in my defense, it was just a joke. I mean, it's not like I was raping her, just cuddling up to a warm fuzzy pony. I prefer my partners to be active during such fun, after all.

"Still not helping your case."

Would you feel better if I let you tie me to the couch at night?

"Nope, cause I'm sure you'd like that."

Is there any way I can make you feel more at ease? She'd already added an extra foot between us at this point, and I gave her sad look.

"I don't know, I just don't know if I can trust you if that's what you think is a good joke. How will I know if you're planning to do something that oversteps everyponies bounds, and think it's just a little prank?"

You can't, and that's the problem. I'm an alien, and little things to me may be huge to you, and vice versa. I'll even admit that I overstepped the boundaries this time, but I was thinking of how she'd react and didn't think it through.

During our little conversation, we managed to make it back to the city, so the conversation died rather quickly as we made our way back towards Sparx's home. Silence ruled, and as we past the myriad of brick and wood buildings, most of which where only lit by the lamps scattered throughout the city. Even though it was the middle of the night, we silently agreed to finish our conversation later, for the shadows were deep and could easily hide anyone that wished to remain unseen.

As we continued on our way, a rather drunken looking snob of a pony was attempting to swagger down the road, and the fact that he kept falling over and running into things didn't even faze him. Spotting us, he began to stagger toward us, and after getting a good look at him, I can't blame him for drowning himself in booze, cause the poor bastard was born with pink fur and a teal mane, even if he tried to hide it with the fancy vest he was wearing, the chain of a pocket watch glimmering in light of the lamps. Poorly hiding a grin, he stands in front of Sparx, oblivious to the death-glare he was receiving. Admittedly, I ignored it several times, but I wasn't drunk off my ass at the time.

"So, how'd you like bring that pretty little flank of yours to my place?" You could smell the booze on him when he was eight feet away, at two it was as obnoxious as his attitude.

With a devilish grin, she closed in, and whispered in his ear, "Not a chance in hell, though I thought you were going ask to borrow my pet, since you seem the type that likes it up the ass." He was sputtering as she walked right past him, but I did notice a glimmer as something disappeared into her saddlebags. We'd gotten several paces away before the idiot finally gathered what little wits he had.

"Get back here! You can't treat me like this! I'm the son of Moneybags!" The stallion, in his drunken rage, charged at Emerald.

Stepping in front of her, I give the stallion a cocky smile. With a look of surprise, he trips over his legs and sprawls onto the cobbles in front of me. Taking advantage of this, I pull my knife out and flick it open with practiced ease before sitting on his back. Rubbing the flat part of the cold steel blade against his cheek, I began chuckle in his ear. It wasn't my normal one, it was much rougher, almost like rocks rubbing together.

Of course the stallion, confused and scared out of his wits, was frozen in fear. Giving the tip of his ear a nip, I get up and stand beside Sparx again, my knife closing with a loud click. The sound got through the drunkards cloudy head, and he shot away like a rocket, which was quite the feat for someone drunk off his ass. With a grin, I look down at Sparx, and seeing her frown wilted the joy that I'd gained from teaching that idiot a lesson.

"See? Shit like this is the reason I have a hard time trusting you."

I was just scaring him. I even used the blunt edge to make sure there wasn't an accident. I admit, I was really confused. She had this guy creeping on her, and when I scare him off, she gets pissy at me!

"Yes, but do you know what's going to happen if anypony finds out you did that?" The mare asked with a look that said she clearly knew the answer.

Science and sex? I wrote, a hopeful look on my face.

"No, they'll just cut your balls off."

Any witty replies I may have spoken were gone. Until she said that, I don't think it had quite sunk in yet that the humans here truly were dogs. But hearing her bluntly say that hammered the point home, and I realized just how bad the situation could get with just a single mistake. Any chance I had at making it home was through her generosity.

I'll shut up now. I flash her the message before standing at her heels, much like a dog would.

Noticing my sudden mood change, Sparx drops the matter and leads me back to her place. Our brisk walk mostly took us down alleyways, but something was blown into my chest as we crossed a random street. Looking down at a piece of paper, I begin to plan a scheme to myself back on Sparx's good side.

Entering her abode, I sat at the table and gave the piece of paper I'd snagged a good look, to make sure the low light hadn't hid anything important. Not seeing anything obvious, the plan seems quite simple. A tiny clink interrupted my thoughts, as the mare sat a glass of water and an apple in front of me.

"Find anything interesting?" The mare asked as she noticed the paper.

With a half-hearted smile, I turn the flyer around.Well... This seems like an easier way to earn some cash. It's a bit humiliating, but I can take it if it means swindling ponies out of their money a fairly steady income and not being a bum during my stay.

"You know, that's not a half bad idea..." Her ears perked up as she read the fine print at the bottom. "registration ends two days from now, and the winner gets five thousand bits. So, you think you can win a human show?

Don't see why I shouldn't be able to. Clean me up and abuse the fact I'll know exactly how to react and we should have it in the bag I write with a shrug and a smile.

"You'd have to learn to keep your face passive, but other than that we should be fine. I mean, as long as you don't do anything stupid." That smirk, it was smug as hell, though there was nothing I could do about it at the moment.

So, shall we venture into the world of dog human shows together?

"Eh... Sure, why not? If this works, I could go on that vacation to Las Pegasus."

I just stare at her with a raised eyebrow, wishing I could speak, but having to cope without it. Really? Las Pegasus? Really?

She looked back at me as one of her ears cocked to the side.,"What do you mean 'Really'?"

Manehattan, Las Pegasus, we have Manhattan and Las Vegas. Can you spot the facepalm worthy puns going on here? And to make it worse, that's just the tip of the iceberg!

"Well... When you put it that way, I guess I can see what you're talking about." Shaking her head, she adds, "So, other than being a pervert, what else did you do while you were gone?"

For the record, there was absolutely no perverted reasons involved with cuddling Kemo. But mostly it was just being treated like a dog. Though we did go see her commander, and he seems to be a fun guy. Oh, and they think the 'Thieves Guild' trained me, so I expect they'll be watching humans much closer now.

Under my questioning gaze, she groans. "Those idiots? That guild's full of low-lives that couldn't sneak through an empty room unnoticed! In fact, I'm sure I could train normal humans to be better thieves..."

Such a high opinion of them. If they're that bad, why are they still around? Sparx snorted as she read my message.

"Because the higher ups keep themselves hidden. They recruit anypony they can and use them as cannon fodder. Doesn't bother them that most get caught, only that they get their money."

Sleezy bastards, then. Anyway, I hate to I didn't even manage to end the sentence before yawning. stop our lovely conversation, but I think I've had more exercise today than I have in the past year. Please excuse me while I pass out. And with the last word barely written, my head hits the table and I'm out.

Moving my body to the couch, the mare laughs as my limbs droop. "Either you're a damn good actor, or you've been sleep-talking on me."

It's odd to wake up in someone else's house before they do. There's not much to do, and it's rather rude to just go through there stuff. Of course, if you've known the person and are good friends, it's not much of an issue, but if you've barely known them two days? Quite rude indeed.

Then my stomach growled at me, so I decided to cook the lady up a good breakfast. She'd forgive me for snooping around if I gave her breakfast. With that settled, I started my mighty quest for loot. Before long, I had everything I needed, except for the bacon. Combing through the fridge a second time, it hit me: They're herbivores, there wouldn't be any bacon! And with that, my plan was stymied... How was I supposed to make the gravy now? And, even more importantly, how did they live without bacon?

Shrugging the disappointment off, I get to work, putting pancakes in the skillet and biscuits in the oven. It was really quite relaxing, being able to do something normal again. They were even nice enough to make all of the utensils in the same style as back home!

Why would they even want a spatula with a handle made for hands... Meh, fuck it.

I was just making the gravy, substituting the bacon grease with some sort of Crisco looking stuff, when Sparx walks in and sits at the table.

"Didn't know you could cook."

Turning to write on the marker board I'd stuck to the fridge, responded. You never asked. But I got mom to teach me sharpish once I realized how bad the food was at college.

Her ears perked up slightly, "Was it really that bad?"

You've no idea, I wouldn't of fed half of it to my dog... Or to my human, if I was one of you ponies.

The mare's eye twitched slightly. "Really, you're going to go there?"

Having finished the food, I set it on the table before pulling the board off the fridge. Partly as peace offering, but mostly to distract the mare. Haili cetare!

"Hayli settar?"

Chuckling at her confused expression, I explain it to her. Hi Lee, set are A. Means "Fill your boots".

Shaking her head, she groans. "So, what language is that? Never heard anything like it."

Mando'a, it's slightly fictional. I learned it for the hell of it, and because of a book I'm rather fond of. It's also useful if you need to say something without anyone knowing what you said.

"Of course it is." After a bite, an appreciative sound comes from her. "That's pretty good, seems different though."

Probably cause it's sweeter, I added some cinnamon and sugar to the batter.Giving my wrist a flick, I smile wryly at her.Really need to find a new way to communicate, all this writing's killing my wrist.

"Yeah, we probably do, but I don't know how we'd do it. Maybe hoof-language, but that'd take ages for us to both learn."

This is a land of mythical creatures, can't we just use some crazy mind-voodoo?

"Mind Voodoo?"

Yeah, some sort of mind-meld thing, let us read each other's thoughts and all.

"There's no way in Tartarus that I'm letting you anywhere near my mind, and that's even if it wasn't for the fact that even thinking about seeing into your mind is likely to give me nightmares." The mare shuddered as she started on her biscuits. "But at least your a good cook."

You might be surprised, but would we even have to worry about it? I'm no genius, but I'm guessing it's a fairly advanced spell.

We put the dishes up in silence before she answered me.

"We'll worry about it later, we still need to go to the vet's and get you some papers first."

True enough. Shall we, mi'lady?

"Really? 'Mi'ldady'?"

Sure, it's not like I've got anything better to do than think of increasingly varied ways to address you.

Shaking her head, she led the way as we begin on another fantastical journey into the world above. The sewers hadn't changed, but seeing the city in the morning traffic was an experience. I don't think I'd ever seen so many... anythings walking about, barely paying attention to anything yet never colliding. It's like they moved with echolocation or some other crazy magic stuff. As we walked, I noticed the place started getting a little more ragged looking, with the occasional seedy looking character thrown in.

We finally made it to one of the few respectable buildings in the neighborhood. Pushing a button to the side of the door, Sparx calmly waited for an answer.

"Bah! You had better be dying to wake me up at this hour!" Came the cranky reply from what sounded like a crotchety old man. The door opened to reveal a dark blue unicorn with a lighter blue mane and eyes. "Ms. Sparx, you don't look dead, and why's that human there?"

"Well Doc, I need a favor from you. Mind if we talk inside?"

"You're going to pay extra for this you know."

As he turned back into the house, I caught of glimpse of his mark, which was a skull with what was basically a gauze eye-patch. With that lovely imagery, we followed him into what appeared to be his living room, which was fairly generic from what I've known. Except the surgery diagrams detailing the cuts required for various operations, those were almost disturbing. The doctor was already sitting in a posh armchair, looking as impatient as he sounded.

"Now, take a seat and let's see how you intend to waste my time."

"Well Doctor Gauze, I need medical papers for Jack here. Problem is, he's... ah, 'special'."

"Oooo, a 'special' human. What does he do, eat his own shit?" Gauze replied bitingly.

Taking that as my cue, I pull out my shiny new dry-erase board and scribble a line out. Na, nothing that special, I just destroy the furniture.

Gauze huffed at that, then his eyes widened as he realized what happened. "So, you've trained it to write? Why would you bother teaching a human that? They're not smart enough for that to even be useful."

Sparx went to reply, but I waved her off so I could instead. Nope, not smart at all. I don't even know the difference between pie and pi, let alone the sophisticated grammar that involves turning this sentence into a run on sentence for the sake of running a sentence for a really long time, or maybe just a little, it might even just be some sort of medium, but it's definitely some sort of run on sentence that has run on for quite some time, if I say so myself.

The doc just harrumphed. "Youngsters in my day knew respect! None of this bullshit where they think they're the smartest little fucks and strutting around!"

"Easy there Doctor," Sparx, hoping to derail the old stallion before he really started ranting. "We're just here to forge a few documents and then get out of your mane."

"Fine," the old stallion grumbled, "Did you at least bring the required documents?"

Fishing them out of her saddlebag, she floated them over.

"Hmm, let's see here... Age, Height, Weight... Well, come on, into my office." Gauze started off, not bothering to see if they followed him.

Through a short hall, we entered his office, which was technically only half office. The other half had all of the equipment required to do a basic check-up.

"Now, hop on that scale." The doctor's voice was gruff, but he almost sounded professional this time. "Hmm" he murmured as extended the rule. "Five-nine and one hundred and seventy-eight pounds. That's above average height, but not by much, and a little underweight. Go sit down."

Without hesitation, I sat down in a nearby chair as he levitated the instruments to check my vitals.

After being poked and prodded, he wrote his findings down before relaying them. "Your temperature is ninety-eight point seven, which is ridiculously high for a human, but due to the fact you're not dead, I'll take it as normal. Heart-rate is seventy, which is low but not unheard of. And your blood pressure is 130/80, which is also within reasonable limits. Is there anything you'd like to point out?"

Pulling my board from my pocket, I scribble out what little I remember from my health classes. Temperature is where it needs to be, heart rate is about right, my blood pressure is abit high, if memory serves it's supposed to 110/70. At least, I think that's right.

"Well, if you say so, but now I can see why you came to see me Sparx, with these readings he'd have never got into one of those shows. If you would go back to the front room, I'll have this filled out and your copy here shortly." Not bothering to wait for a reply, the doctor started towards his desk. Getting up, we did as he asked and went back to our original seats.

"So, you do know what you're getting yourself into, right?"

Something about giving up what little dignity I have for a chance to get rich easily. Pretty sure that's the gist of it.

"Okay then, so we don't have to worry about you balking at the stuff you'll have to do."

As she finished, Doctor Gauze came back in. "Now then, the papers are done, all we have left is your payment. Normally I'd charge you quite heftily, and still will if my preferred payment is rejected."

Sparx's eye twitched slightly. "And what kind of payment would that be, Doctor?"

"Oh nothing too hard, I just want a sample of his blood."

I just looked at him for a moment. Did he really just want a sample of my blood instead of a lump of cash? Shrugging slightly, I nodded toward the doctor.

"Excellent, I knew you would agree." The doctor had his sample in a twinkling, apparently he really did know we'd agree. "Now, if you two would excuse yourselves, I have some experiments to do."

Walking out of the door, I barely remembered wipe the grin off my face. That guy may have been a grumpy doctor, but he was a true scientist at heart!

"Well... That went better than expected." The mare said with a sigh of relief, "I expected him to rob me blind for that. And now all we have to do is get you some new clothes."

Due to being out in the open, I couldn't really respond, so I just followed her.

Passing through the gritty streets again, this time we emerged from an alley into what looked like main street. Or, at least, one of the shopping districts. There were ponies everywhere, and humans too for that matter. Most of them seemed to naked, while some had loin clothes, and the luckiest seemed to have some sort of dress-toga-wrap thing. Being the first time I'd really gotten to look at them, I had to say I wasn't impressed, since they were some pretty neanderthal-looking fuckers.

Taking a closer look at the females, I confirmed they weren't exactly pretty. Or attractive. In fact, they were all kinds of ugly. Well, I guess I won't be trying my luck with this lot. But it really didn't matter, since apparently we had arrived at our destination. The sign overhead read 'The Golden Spindle.' For some reason, that sounded sinister... Or maybe it was the fact that what little the shop had on display was all fashioned in black, occasionally highlighted with very dark shades of grey.

Entering the shop behind my "master," my eyes take a few moments to adjust to the darkened room, and the view they show completely matches what was on display. Except that corner that was dark lighted, I still couldn't see too well, but I'm pretty sure there were more spikes over there than I'd ever seen in my life, let alone on clothing.

"Welcome to the Spindle, is there anything I can do for you?" Came a voice from beside us, where a white pegasus mare with a tightly braided and crimson tipped black mane, was smiling at us with her dark blue eyes.

You, my friend, should avoid magnets at all costs. Seriously, this mare had enough bits of metal about her person that you could forge a suit of armor, complete with shield and sword, from it all!

"Hey Frosty, how's my favorite designer doing?" Sparx asked as she wrapped a leg around the mare's neck. "And I see you dyed your mane again!"

"Yeah, the pure white was starting to get old, so I changed it. Other than that, I've got a new piercing and another regular. Sweet colt, sadly I don't see him lasting long though, seems a bit squeamish." Frost Thimble replied with a sad shake of her head.

"Well, I've got a few custom pieces I need you to do, if you're willing."

"Oh really? The last time you asked me for a custom piece, you needed to 'acquire' some goods from a masked ball."

"And thanks to you it was very profitable. But sadly, this time will be much more mundane, since Jack here is the one in need of something." She said, hoof pointed over her shoulder at me.

"So you got a human huh? Not too shabby looking either, is he well trained?"

"Yes, that's what the clothes are for, I'm entering him into the shows."

"Now that is a surprise, and isn't anything like your normal schemes." Frost started circling me at this point, those dark blue eyes of hers scrutinizing every inch of my body. "How curious, his clothes aren't like any I've ever seen, where did you get them?"

"Well..." The mare started shiftily," They just came with him, I didn't know they were that odd."

"It's definitely very high quality for a human. I mean, his boots are made with leather!"

I had to resist the urge to just laugh at that. Silly pony, of course they're leather! What else would you make them out of?

"I'm not sure what's up with the boots either, all I know is that he gets really huffy if you try and take them off."

Giggling, the mare replied, "So does that mean I'm going to have to make clothes that will go with them?"

"Who knows, but if anypony can, it's you!"

"Now you're just flattering me, but let's see what I can do."

Going through a door in the back, we're lead into a well lit room completely covered in everything you could possibly imagine being used in clothing, and a few things you wouldn't. Frost was standing by a small dais, waving a hoof to come over.

"Over here big boy, I need you in the light so I can see what I've got to work with."

Stepping up on it, I just wait as she circles me, some more, then takes some measurements.

"Sit."

I comply, not having anything better to do and I'm starting to get bored. Moving to my feet, she unties my boots and tugs them off.
I'd better get those back... Studying them for a few moments, she sets them down beside me and takes a few measurements of my feet as well.

"The boots are quite odd, the heel is raised slightly and actually makes him an inch or so taller. Not to mention the rubber used is unlike any that I know of." Pensively, she looked back at me. "Guess I'll take a look at the bottoms next. Stand up boy."

Well this is going to be interesting, I just hope I can keep a straight face.

She tries to just pull them down first, to little success. Noticing the button, she pops it loose. The zipper proves a little more complicated, she doesn't seem to be able to get a good grip on the little thing. Eventually parting it, she slides them down as I step out, standing there in all of my boxerrifc glory. Not that the mare actually noticed, she was too busy studying my jeans.

"Let's see... Manufactured with a tag detailing it, made of good denim, front and back pockets, with a tiny pocket upfront. Perfect for a human, though completely useless for any race except maybe minotaurs. I'll need to ask around and see who this 'Levi' pony is, cause I"ve never heard of him. Are you sure you don't know anything about these Sparx?"

The unicorn shrugged. "Like I said, he came with all of it, plus a shirt for some reason."

"He is pretty pale... I guess it's so he doesn't get sunburned too badly." Walking over to a work bench, the pegasus began writing what appeared to be notes.

Much mad scribbling later, she walks back up to us. "I've got his measurements and what he has now, anything you want to add to this order?"

"Nope, let the creativity flow, just try and not make it too over the top! I may end up using these at the shows!" Sparx paused for a second, before adding, "And do you think you could make another pair of jeans, except add large pockets on the sides"

"So kind of like really small saddlebags?"

"Exactly!"

"I can do that. But first you have to tell me how you know they're called 'jeans'?" Her eyebrow reached a rather impressive height.

Thinking fast, she takes a quick look at my jeans again. "Because, the tag says 'Levi Jeans Company'."

"Now how did I miss that... Thanks again for coming to visit, and just come back tomorrow afternoon to check out what I've got in mind!"

I put my clothes back on as the pony went over to her bench and began scribbling some more. At least she's having fun. Sighing at the thought, I follow Sparx, as we presumably make our way back home.

Sitting at the table, we were finishing off our supper of "hayburgers" and "hayfries" from some fast food chain. Wasn't quite sure what would happen to me for eating them, but I figured why the hell not.

So, the cute goth pony, how exactly did she not notice anything overtly suspicious again?

"It's mostly because she didn't actually care, just odd curiosities that were getting in the way of ideas." Drowning a fry in ketchup, she adds. "So, which class do you think we should enter, Service or Guard?"

I'm assuming "Service" has got to do with grooming and generally just pleasing the judges with your hands n such?

"That's pretty much it, yeah. And the Guard class is what it sounds like."

Well then, Service class it is! Just do what I'm told and let's see how this goes.

"Then it's settled. We'll pick up your new clothes tomorrow, then head off to that show up-town and get you registered." A huge yawn burst forth, popping her jaw in the process. "Time for bed, we've a long day tomorrow."

Waving good night, I make my way to the couch and lay down.

Who knows, this may be a more comfortable life than what I could have gotten back home...