Chapters CHAPTER TWO
“Alright wise guy, spill the beans!” Dash barked as Pinkie shined a flashlight in my eyes, temporarily blinding me. I was tied to a chair with heavy rope and my wrists bound with leather straps.
“We know you’re a spy !”
“No, damn it! I’m not a spy I’m an alien!”
“Oh yeah? Then how come you keep changing your story? What are you really? No lying this time!”
“I told you, I’m both a human and a brony at the same time, one is a subcategory of the other!”
“A likely story…” Dash exclaimed, her voice slightly cracking the way it always does. “Where are you from? Earth or America?”
I instinctively jerked my arm in an attempt to facepalm. The leather straps tightened on my wrists.
“Again, America is part of Earth.”
“So if you are part of this America , why do you speak fluent English, Russian, and Spanish, and yell random phrases in German that make no sense?”
“Because… God damn it…”
“And who is this God you speak o-“
I suddenly woke up, my face flat on the floor, my feet dangling in the air, my weight supported in this odd position by the bed, my blanket nowhere to be seen. A week had passed since I arrived.
“Oh good” said Twilight sheepishly. “You’re awake.”
I scrambled to my feet, hoping she didn’t take detailed notes on my sleeping patterns, but noticed she was up to something. Something didn’t look right. I examined her panting, sweat beading down from her mane, and a book catalog by her side.
I thought of a way to get her to explain this by herself, a much more fun way than accusing her.
“You’ve been doing heroine, haven’t you?”
She didn’t reply, just gave the same sheepish smile, with a little squee. My eyebrows lifted and I gave her my patented poopie face. Still no change, just the same exaggerated smile, but with more forcefully suppressed panting.
“I’ll… just go find me some breakfast. We can talk after” I stated.
She slowly nodded and I left, shutting the door to make her feel more secure. Went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. Unfortunately, she didn’t have much I found to be edible. A jar of mayo, some straw caked into a small cylinder, a half-eaten muffin, some apple cider, some sarsaparilla, and a small unmarked box. I took the sarsaparilla and the muffin and ate it on the table by Owloysius, who by now was sleeping.
After I finished the muffin and a glass of sarsaparilla, which tasted a lot like root beer, I sat by Twilight and tossed her a small bag with 30 bits in it.
“What’s this for?” she asked, slightly surprised.
“Well lets see…” I began recalling. “You took me in, became one of my first friends here, you gave me a place to stay and let me eat out of your fridge…”
She blushed.
“Does that leave you with any money?”
“Well, I earned 100 bits this past week, 45 went to taxes and 30 went to you, so I still have about 25 bits left, and so far simple arithmetic has not failed me. And also since less than half my money went to taxes, I find it hard to believe this place isn’t socialist.”
“I think 30 bits is fair for rent per week” she said. “But to be honest roofers don’t even get paid that much. Now if you would just show me your cutie mark maybe I can think of a job that suits you.”
“Um, yeah, about that. I don’t have one.”
Twilight looked at me like I was a 3 headed alien.
“You mean you haven’t gotten it yet or humans don’t get them at all ?”
“The latter”
“Well, maybe you can work with Applejack bucking trees”
“Except I don’t buck.”
“Hmm…” Twilight pondered some more, looking to the top right corner of the room. “I know Octavia lives down the block; maybe she can show you how to play a musical instrument!”
“Oh, well I already play the tuba.”
“Great! Let’s go right now, I have a scroll to deliver to her anyway.”
*
We passed by Sugarcube corner, still closed, but we could clearly make out Pinkie Pie getting the store ready for opening. We passed Rainbow Dash in the sky beating the shit out of clouds. I guess she had a fight with Soarin’ or something. Or maybe that’s how she liked to clear the sky. We eventually got to a small dark blue house. We rang the doorbell and a small clip from Beethoven’s 7th symphony played. A gray mare with long black hair opened the door, first smiling at the sight of twilight, then shrieking at the sight of me.
“Hello, Octavia!” I said, and she gave a sheepish smile.
“Hello, Arthur. So, this is the ‘human’ people have been talking about?”
“Yes, and he says he plays the tuba, maybe you can get him to try out?”
“Oh, that’s quite possible”. She handed me a note that had a time and address written on it. “Meet us here at 7 o’clock tonight, sharp!”
I giggled. “I see what you did there; sharp . Music pun.”
“Uh, sure…” she said. Just don’t be late.
*
I arrived at precisely 7 o’clock at 1507 Mane St. Octavia and some other ponies had already set up. Pinkie was there too, playing the trombone. There was a light green stallion playing the timpani, two more on snare drums, a quintet of clarinets, some horns, some trumpets, some saxes, a whole band of 20-30 ponies more or less! Octavia gave me a large black case and a green folder with instruments depicted on it and led me to a small room at the back of the building. It was bright, illuminated by a fluorescent light, and the walls were covered in soundproof padding, the door plexiglass. It had a chair and a music stand in it.
“Practice in here until you think you have it, more or less. We have a concert in 4 days so we must be hasty, but you still have to sound good.”
“Alright” I said, closing the door. All sound immediately died out. I sat on the chair and opened the folder. It had a march in it, titled “St. Petersburg March” by Johnnie Vinson. I remembered this song from when I played it in my high school band, but I decided to play through it and write in the fingerings for the hard parts. After about 15 minutes a dark blue mare came in and told me we were about to start. Everyone sat quietly, except of course Pinkie, who was bouncing around and moving her slide in and out. We played through it what I considered well, but as always the conductor said we needed more tuba sound during the bass solo. I couldn’t agree more, that was my favorite part, but there was only two tuba players in the band.
*
Later that evening I came back to the library and saw Twilight in her room playing TF2. Right as I walked in, she yelled “Say goodbye ta yer head, clopper!” and shot a demoman in the head, killing him before he even got a shot off. I tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around, happy to see me.
“Hey, Arthur! You’re back! How did it go?”
“Pretty good. The conductor couldn’t get enough of me! Actually he quite nearly yelled at me for that very rea-“
I was cut off by Rainbow Dash’s voice coming from the speakers. She seemed pretty pissed that she lost a domination because Twilight killed her.
“Rainbow, Arthur’s back.”
“Oh” she said, calming down a bit. “How did it go?”
“Good” I replied. “I think I might be in”.
“That is pretty cool. Those people get paid heaps!” She exclaimed, first in sincere excitement, then with a bit of jealousy in her tone.
“Not as much as the Wonderbolts I bet” I said. Rainbow seemed to get upset at me saying that, thinking I was being condescending.
“Alright, well tomorrow we have skies scheduled to be all clear. We should totally go have a picnic!”
“Sounds good” Twilight approved. “What do you think?”
“As long as there is something edible” I said.
With that, Twilight asked me something she had forgotten to ask this morning.
“By the way, we didn’t finish with my notes on you. Shall we finish?”
I reluctantly agreed, hoping there will be no more presidents questions, or worse, me being tied up and interrogated for being a spy like in my dream. We went downstairs and sat on the couch in the living room.
“Soooo… we went through um, human diet…”. She looked at me funny. “Are you some sort of primate?”
“Kind of sort of”
“But you’re not very hairy…”
“Relatively speaking, no, not really.”
She examined my hair.
“By the way, why do you wear that funny fabric all the time even if you aren’t going anywhere?”
“It’s called clothes”
“Yes, I know, but why?”
“Well, seeing as I don’t have much hair, humans generally wear clothes to make up for it.”
She seemed to understand.
“Alright, well can you take your shirt off?”
I thought about it for a moment and then decided to take it off. She had me stand spread eagle while she jotted down more notes.
“And your other clothes”
“M… my pants?”
“Yes, those too.”
I felt a wave of dilemma. Dare I look indecent? For the sake of knowledge? I guess everyone is naked anyways. But what if someone comes in? This is a library after all.
I finally decided to take my pants off. Twilight burst into laughter.
“Another layer?”
“No way, I’m not taking this off”
“Aww come on! This doesn’t help me much at all!”
I put my pants back on and went to the bedroom, burying my face in the pillow. Twilight followed me in and sat next to my bed.
“I don’t get it. Is something wrong?”
“It is just super weird not to have your clothes on”
“Is it? Humans always keep their clothes on?”
“Yep, pretty much.”
“Well if you ask me, that is the weirdest thing of all.”
I thought about that for a minute. So it was weird to keep my clothes on all the time in this universe? I guess. I decided to do what I had to do.
Twilight draws detailed pictures. Very detailed pictures.
*
The next day I took a stroll through the park.The sun was beating down upon the green landscape with trees and flowers and all sorts of tasty- I mean cute creatures. As I walked further I saw Rainbow looking after the CMCs.
“Hi Rainbow!” I shouted
She turned around and saw me, smiled, and flew over.
“Hey there!” she said.
I noticed a big red hoof mark on her head.
“… Did someone hit you?”
“Not really” she replied in a quick tone. “Here, look after these 3 uh, angels for 5 minutes until Applejack comes back” she said and immediately flew away.
*
5 minutes had passed and Applejack came to pick up Applebloom.
“Hey Arthur, how’s it-“
She paused. Sure enough, there was a big red handprint across my forehead.
My Awesome Time With Rainbow Dash
CHAPTER THREE
“Hey, where’s Pinkie?” Rarity asked as we finished setting up the picnic.
“I’m sure she’ll be here soon” said Twilight, starting to get suspicious about where she REALLY is.
Spike motioned to talk. “Don’t worry guys, I’m sure Pinkie is fine and everything is under contr-“
With that, the earth shook and a giant mushroom cloud billowed from Ponyville.
*
“Seriously Pinky, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU MANAGE THIS?” Rainbow interrogated, staring at rubble of what used to be a library.
“My scrolls! My books! My… catalogues and notes of humans!” Twilight cried.
The library was still mostly intact, but a giant hole was blown out of the bottom right, the area around the living room and kitchen. Debris and ashes of books were strewn upon the streets and the inside was a blackened mess that resembled Berlin after WWII.
“Alright let me explain what happened” the pink pony said with a bounce. “I found this neat can of party and I couldn’t get it open so I put it on the flame thing in your room and it opened. YAAAAY!”
“What can of party? I don’t have any can’t of party…”
“Oh, I found a few in your basement in a box labeled C₃H₅N₃O₉!”
Twilight’s left ear twitched and a few hairs popped out of her perfectly groomed mane.
“So, you put nitroglycerin on my BUNSEN BURNER!?!
“Yep, best idea I have had in a long time!”
Twilight started gritting her teeth with a twisted grin as Pinkie bounced away.
“Ah’m sure it’s not that bad, sugarcube” Applejack reassured.
“I’d have you stay in my house for a bit, darling, but I need the room for my clothing line and such, you understand, right?” Rarity asked.
“Well shoot, Big Mac and Applebloom got sick so we need the spare room, sorry” Applejack added.
“Oh, it will be quite alright for one of you to stay at my place, I don’t have room for you both, but I’m sure Pinkie might have some room for the other” Fluttershy said.
With that, Twilight immediately grabbed Fluttershy and claimed her spot.
“You see” Rainbow said sympathetically “I would take you in, but I live in a cloud…”
Twilight thought for a moment, then her horn started glowing. She shot a beam of purple magic at me and suddenly I could climb up the bits of mist in the air like a flight of stairs.
“Oh cool” Rainbow said. “I get the human for a sleepover.”
“Lucky…” Fluttershy whispered under her breath.
“Please, call me Arthur or I just might start calling you all ‘pony’” the human said.
I flapped my arms up and down, trying to see if I can use any new laws of physics to my advantage. Well no, I couldn’t fly, but Rainbow but her forehooves under my armpits and flew me up to her house. It wasn’t even that high up really, you could probably jump from it into a lake and be relatively fine so long as you don’t land on your butt. I carefully stepped on a cloud, half expecting to fall right through it.
“Your house is so cool!” I exclaimed.
“Thanks” Rainbow said, flattered. “Just don’t eat the floor. While under the spell every bit of cloud is like rubber.”
Then a thought hit me. I am in a house up in the sky. What do I do all day?
Rainbow showed me around and even offered me a job, since I apparently didn’t make the cut for the band. She had a table stationed in a room next to the living room with a computer and a radio. She tuned the frequency to 172.4 and put headphones on me.
“Alright, here’s your job. If anyone calls in, reply to them and tell me what they said. Simple enough, right?”
“Um sure” I said.
“I’ll be right here” she said, pointing to a chair right next to me. She flipped on the computer and started playing TF2. “Oh also, remember that you are Dash Base One”
Seems simple enough. The airwaves were packed in all sorts of communication.
*static* “Delta Niner this is Cloudsdale do you copy, over?” *static*
*static* “[indistinct] Delta Niner loud and clear, over.” *static*
I sat back, watching Rainbow headshot almost everyone popping out from the same exact corner. I began dozing off a bit.
*static* “Dash Base One this is Cloudsdale do you copy over?” *static*
I pushed a button and replied
*static* “Cloudsdale this is Dash Base One I read you over” *static*
No reply. There was still a bunch of chatting going on, but they must have forgotten about me. Oh well. I guess it wasn’t that important then.
*
An hour or two must have passed. Rainbow finally turned around.
“Still not asleep yet?”
“Why, should I be?”
“I’d be out by this time.”
“Well I have a job don’t I?”
“Hah. I like you, kid. I think your shift is over. Consider your rent paid.”
I sighed a sigh of relief. No more of that bogus. The sun was already setting.
“Time for bed I guess”
“Really? Ok I’ll just cap this one point and I’ll be up”
I thought about how my clothes were getting funky. I wore them forwards, backwards, inside out, and backwards, but by the 2nd rotation they were getting stinky. Problem is, I don’t have anything to change into. Maybe tomorrow Rarity will give me something reasonable to wear. I left my BDU in the bedroom of the library… I don’t have much hopes of seeing that again.
*
I felt a soft muzzle burying itself in my neck. I opened my eyes and saw Rainbow’s beautiful eyes- big, round, with a dark pink iris, looking right back. I couldn’t help but complement them.
“Oh stop, you!” she laid on top of me, turning her head away but still keeping her eyes locked in mine. I ran my hand down her back, and it was one of the softest things I have ever felt. She was kind of like a pug, soft and velvety. I petted her from her head over her wings and down to her flank. She pinned me down by my shoulders and smiled at me, still keeping her bright eyes locked in mine. I pulled her head down and we started making out. I could feel her getting wet as she started grinding against me. My clothes were gone, odd, but convenient. I flipped her over, and she blushed with a little saucy grin in the corner of her mouth.
"Now we're in business" she said with a devious smile.
*
I woke up to find myself in the usual position; head flat on the ground, feet up in the air.
“So, what did you dream about?” She asked with a smirk.
“Ummm… I had a dream about…” I thought about how to answer that question. “About a couch… who was… also having another dream.”
I’d facepalm myself if I still didn’t have a drop of hope that she’d buy it.
“Something tells me that you’re lying. And it happens to be right there…” She pointed with her forehoof to the bulge in my pants. “You also were talking in your dream.”
“And what did I say?”
“I won’t tell you until you tell me what the dream was about. I may have heard little, I may have heard everything.” She said with the same face I had when I interrogated Twilight after my first night.
“Alright, it was a sex dream.”
“Ooooh” she said. “Alright that’s all I need to know” she said with the same smirk.
“You don’t even care with whom it was?” I asked, suddenly regretting I reopened a dropped topic.
“I kind of figured with who, you were saying my name a lot throughout your dream.”
I felt like burying my face in my pillow, but then I noticed something new about Rainbow.
“Do you have somewhere to get to or do you just like that idea?” I asked.
She turned her head around and noticed her wings spread, each feather sticking out.
“Alright, let’s not get ahead of ourselves” she said, holding back a blush.
With that, we went downstairs. She made breakfast consisting of blueberry Eggo waffles. Not much but it wasn’t half a muffin and sarsaparilla. It was a bit awkward at first, any time we looked each other in the eyes we looked away, pretending it never happened. However after a bit we started talking about our plans for the day.
“Well today we have rain scheduled, and as luck would have it a storm is coming in, so I don’t even have to do much. How about you?”
“Well, I am unemployed… I guess I will go ask Rarity to make me some clothes and then go off swimming or something…”
“Swimming? Humans can swim?”
“I can, though a bunch can’t. It’s really about how much you want to go. Some never get the chance therefore don’t have the need to learn…”
“Can you teach me how to swim?” Rainbow asked excitedly and impatiently.
“I mean, I can try. Heck, it might be fun!”
“Great. Let’s meet at the lake by the park in an hour.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
With that, Rainbow hovered me down to Earth and flew off, helping the weather ponies guide the storm clouds slightly North so that they don’t accidentally miss Ponyville, while I went off to Rarity’s boutique store shop thing. It has clothes.
Rarity was a bit surprised to see me, but nevertheless agreed to try to fabricate clothes for my… odd shape. The first batch didn’t turn out so well. Since she was still using some pony dimensions, the sleeves started well below my shoulders and the pants had an awkward space between the two legs. The second batch she relied solely on measurements and it turned out not half bad. It was a polka-dotted shirt and a yellow skirt. I didn’t bother telling her the gender of clothing was off, because she really didn’t know. I just informed her I prefer solid colors and longer pants with pockets. She nodded and I went off to the lake.
*
I sat by the lake for no more than 5 minutes when Rainbow flew down to me with an eager smile.
“Yeah, let’s do this!” she exclaimed.
“Alright” I thought, thinking about how to get in.
She got in hoof deep and turned back waiting for me
“Aren’t you getting in?”
“Yeah, I just don’t have a bathing suit…”
Rainbow broke down into laughter
“People wear a suit for bathing ? AHAHAHAHA!” she said, covering one eye with a hoof. “Just take your clothes off and come in!”
“But I’ll be naked!”
“So? All your friends from Earthmerica aren’t here to see, and everyone here is naked anyways” she said, sitting down, pointing at the area between her legs. Yep. All the parts were there alright.
I left my new clothes on the shore and climbed into the water with Rainbow. As we got in deeper, she went in more reluctantly until we stopped when the water was up to her neck (a foot higher than waist high for me).
“I guess before you learn how to swim, you should float…” I said, thinking about that one show where some lifeguard had to teach a spoiled rich teenager to swim. Not that she was spoiled or rich. Plus I thought she was 18, on one occasion I saw her drinking wine. I am pretty sure she is 18, but I guess I’ll bring it up later.
I lifted her out of the water as best I could (she weighs a lot more than I normally lift. She was pretty much a full-grown mare after all) and set her down in the water on her back, with most of her head underwater, only her muzzle and one eye above.
“Hey look!” she excitedly cheered. “I’m doing it! I’m swimming!”
She lifted her head out of the water for a better view but then almost immediately capsized.
“FUUUUgluglugluglug!” she yelled in a panic and started thrashing around in the water. “Save me! Damn it!”
“Stand up Rainbow. JUST STAND UP!”
With that, she stood up, still neck-deep.
“I knew that!” She said in her normal cocky voice, though a blush appeared on her face. She fell back on her back again, this time keeping her head low, and paddling her feet a bit.
“There we go! You’re doing it!” I said excitedly.
“I bet I can beat you to the other side of the lake!” She said proudly.
“You literally just learned to swim.”
To prove my point, I dived into the water, emerging back to the surface a good 20 feet away in a few seconds. Rainbow giggled.
“You’re pretty good. I guess I never learned to swim because flying is faster and more convenient! I’d like to see you swim at mach one!”
I felt like explaining to her that sound travels slower in water, but I figured it won’t matter because I still couldn’t break it in the water. I swam back up to her and she hugged me, looking deep into my eyes with hers, big black circles outlined in a dark pink ring with spots from the sun's reflection, just like I had fantasized in my dream.
“This has been a lot of fun, thank you” she said, and kissed me.
I lazily opened my eyes. Something was going on that’s not supposed to. Well, actually that is an understatement. But I was sure I fell asleep on top of the bed, not under it. And why is there a huge hole in it? And why am I sinking through the floor? I grew nervous as my brain interrogated itself in its usual good cop/bad cop fashion. The floor gave way from under me, and I fell down from the second floor, the bottom floor somewhat slowing me down, but it too gave and I kept falling, screaming. But damn, something smelled good. I kept falling until a great big oak tree broke my fall, but that's not saying it didn’t hurt like getting raped by a weedwacker. The oak was not too far away from Fluttershy’s house, and she saw me from her kitchen window and flew up to me.
“W… what happened, if you don’t mind me asking, that is.”
“I know as much as you do.”
“Oh well please, do come in. Maybe Twilight can help you.”
I haven’t seen Twilight in a while. I decided it might not be the worst idea to drop by and say hi. I was in some new clothes, mainly a hot pink shirt and short black shorts Rarity made me. It made a statement to say the least. It was a short walk to Fluttershy’s house, but the path was riddled in landmines from all the animals she’d been hoarding. I think it’s rather unsanitary, really. We walked up to the smaller bedroom which had its door closed. Knowing Twilight, I dared not to just “pop in”. I knocked on the door a few times.
“It’s fine Fluttershy you can come in.”
I swung the door open.
“Actually it’s me.” I said
“Oh hi!” she said with an excited look on her face. “I haven’t seen you in a few days. How are things going with Rainbow Dash ” she said, her left ear twitching.
“Um, fine. She’s actually really nice, albeit spontaneous…”
“Is she now? Well the library is almost fixed so you can move back in with me!” she said. “And then we can learn all about each other and-“
That moment Dash burst through the door, hysterical and on the verge of tears.
“I was… kitchen! Then- fell and… can’t find! Where-“
Her narrow pupils dilated to normal size upon seeing me safe with everypony.
“Oh thank goodness you’re ok! What happened anyway?”
“I don’t know, I just woke up, falling out of the sky… and something smelled good. But then I fell through an oak and hit my arse.”
Rainbow held back a giggle. “Well at least we know you’re alright” she said reassuringly. “But why did you fall out of the cloud?”
“Well it has been 3 days since I replenished his cloudwalking spell. But that’s ok, because he says he’s coming back to live with me now!”
“He did?”
“I did?”
We both stammered simultaneously.
“Well my library is fixed now, I assumed you would be coming back.”
Rainbow looked a bit down. I think she enjoyed my company over the monotony of not having a pet, dragon secretary, and just the isolation of living on a cloud high above any neighbors.
“Let’s let him decide!” Twilight proposed, pointing a forehoof at my chest.
I really wish she hadn’t said that.
“And may I remind you who originally took you in” Twilight added.
“Well who has the coolest house?” Rainbow interrupted.
“Who told you how the laws of physics here work?” Twilight interrupted back.
“Oh, well who did you have the most sex dreams about?” Rainbow asked, finalizing her defense.
I facepalmed and buried my face in Twilight’s sheets. I tried to think of a valid compromise, but I couldn’t think of a practical one other than one having me for certain times and the other for the other. Plus where is my choice in this? Maybe I want neither. Nah, that’s a lie. Rainbow and Twilight could see that I was having a hard time choosing, and that upset both of them that they weren’t the obvious choice.
“Girls! Can’t you see he doesn’t want to choose?” Fluttershy interjected. “I mean, if you don’t mind, that is.”
“Well” Twilight said, her horn glowing. “If you want to be with Rainbow, I’m fine with that.”
“Are you sure-“
“Well yes. I think I learned more about humans already than I ever hoped for. Also, I’m going to fortify the library in an impenetrable field of landmines!” she concluded, her left ear spazzing out.
As I left Fluttershy’s house with Rainbow, she chuckled.
“I knew you liked me better all along.”
“You knew nothing.” I snapped back
“Lies. If you liked Twilight better I knew you wouldn’t spare my feelings by beating around the bush.”
With that, she lifted me up again and we flew back to her cloud.
“By the way, is me picking you up pretty much the first time you have ever left the ground?”
“To be honest, no. I have flown before…”
“Wait what? How?”
“Well you see on Earth we have these things called airplanes. They are like big metal boxes that somehow fly.”
“How did humans manage that?” she asked, dropping me onto the cloud.
“Well without getting all egg-head on you, there’s this thing called the Bernoulli Effect which planes use that makes the air suck them up. I don’t know if it exists here but whatever. That’s just how it is.”
“Thanks for saving me the boring lecture. Oh well. The waffles are probably ready now. I was never much of a cook…”
“Have you tried to cook?”
“I did. I tried. Cooking isn’t really my thing though. I like flying ” she said and started flying in circles around her house, gaining more speed, until she suddenly stopped in front of me, nearly collapsing from the sudden dizziness.”
“Boy, you sure look like you like going fast!”
“Um, have you met me? I need to go fast and turn on a dime to be a Wonderbo-“
Her face froze.
“There’s a Wonderbolts display at the park today! I almost forgot!”
With that she bolted away, followed by a long rainbow trail. I sat down on the cloud, thinking what to do with my time. Suddenly Rainbow flew up behind me and scooped me up in the usual fashion, and we flew to the specks of dots called ponyville
*
Rainbow flew by me upside down, rocketing into a loop and stopped to a hover right by me.
“And then Spitfire was all like WHOOSH!” she cheered as she kicked the air “and then Soarin was all KAZOOSH!”. She rolled around in mid-air. “You just don’t see that kind of stuff every day!” She let out a laugh which slowly died to a giggle. “Wait, you said that you have TVs that show this kind of stuff right? And that thing you call YouTube to see it again, right?”
“Well yes but more often than not people put stuff on the internet which isn’t entirely true or accurate.”
“Like what?”
“Well there’s a huge buzz going around about you being gay…”
“What’s that mean?”
“It means people think you’re a fillyfooler.”
Rainbow froze in mid-air, her mouth slightly hanging open.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well to be frank, it’s pretty much all because of your hair.”
“What about it?”
“It’s rainbow.”
“…and?”
“Well on Earth, rainbow colors are associated with fillyfoolers and coltcuddlers.”
Rainbow was having a hard time comprehending.
“So what you’re telling me is that a bunch of lame coltcuddlers adopted the rainbow without asking anyone, and now no one can wear rainbow colors without being associated with them?”
“Yep. They also took the word ‘gay’ from us. So yeah, that sucks.”
I could tell from the look on Rainbow’s face that she took offense to this.
“… you don’t think I’m a fillyfooler, do you?”
“Nah, of course not! Besides, you’re not the only one who YouTube incorrectly portrays, like Pinkie often goes crazy and I remember I saw this one thing where Rarity had a bunch of Mexicans working in her dress shop all sweatshop style.”
Rainbow by now was trotting beside me, and we continued talking about random human crap, but not nearly into as much detail or annoyingness as with Twilight. Seriously, nopony cares about the presidents.
“And then I said, you call it adolfin . Get it? Adolf, and he is in a U-boat?”
“Not really. What’s a nazi?”
“Eh, long story. It’s a bunch of fascists from a country called Germany. Most people don’t think too kindly of them since they-“
I and Rainbow didn’t even notice we have gone off the trail and now found each other in a puddle of sticky mud.
“Oh fuck!” we both yelled almost simultaneously. Rainbow blushed and we both giggled nervously.
She scooped me up, losing her grip a bit but regaining it soon after, and flew me up to her cloud house almost directly above us. No wonder it was so muddy. Rainbow went into the kitchen and grabbed what looked like a beer from the fridge.
“Rainbow…” I asked, remembering the question I was going to ask earlier. “How old are you?”
“Oh well I’m 17.”
“I thought you have to be 18 to drink…”
“Ah, Celestia imposes those laws because when you’re 18 or older you are least likely to hurt yourself from getting smashed.”
She tossed me a bottle from the fridge.
“Just be careful” she said reassuringly.
I took a sip and spit it out. “Blech! What is this?”
“Hay infusion. It's not for everyone…”
I took another sip. This time it wasn’t half bad.
“You know what, we probably should get washed up…”
“Well yeah except your bathroom doesn’t have a shower.”
“We’re in a cloud, dude.”
With that, she tore a chunk of wall out and squeezed it over me. The water did little more than remove mud from the top of my head and replace it down lower. Rainbow put the chunk back in its spot, noticeably lighter than the surrounding wall.
“Yeah, this isn’t going to work, Rainbow. I think I should get out of these muddy clothes and take a sh- wait that’s right you don’t have a shower.”
“Well that first part’s a start.”
“I guess you’re right.” I said, sipping some more infusion and removing my muddy clothes.
“Aw great!” She said, looking at the muddy hoof stains on the chunk of cloud she used to squeeze over me. “I guess I ought to wash off too.”
“Here!” I shouted, playfully throwing a cloud at her, which exploded into mist, partially wetting her.
“So that’s how it’s going to be, huh?” she asked with a smirk on her face as she balled up some clouds. What ensued was a bit like a snowball fight, except the clouds felt like water balloons, upon explosion drenching us in fine mist which precipitated down onto us. I created a long cloud stick and yelled “kamikaze!” as I charged at her and thumped her over the shoulder with the cloud, which exploded into a shower of mist that turned the whole room temporarily into a kaleidoscope of rainbow. Her eyes glistened in the shower of sparkles that fell and she gave me that look. The look which paralyzed me in awe, her muzzle resting on her shoulder and her hair glued to her forehead from the water. Then suddenly her eyebrows descended and a smirk covered her face as she grabbed a big boulder of a cloud from behind her and walloped me with it on the top of my head.
“Hey! No fair! That was cheating!”
“Oh is it now?” she said, giggling. She leaned down and kissed me.
“Rainbow, I love the state you are in, but I think you’re drunk.”
“Pssh, no I’m not. I’m a way crazier drunk. Plus, even if I was, you don’t do anything while drunk that you don’t normally want to do.”
I couldn’t argue with that logic and had some more hay infusion. Rainbow had already finished hers and grabbed a second. I don’t understand what’s so good in water filled with paramecium and other stuff that probably can’t be good for you, but honestly, it’s like pepperoni. First time you have it you think it is spicy as shit, but later you think it’s not spicy at all. For the most part we were clean now, and the cloud beneath us absorbed all the dirt.
“To be honest” I remarked “we aren’t even coltfriend/marefriend and we’re already making out.”
“Oh, well what’s stopping us?”
“I guess that fact that we’re completely different species.”
“But how does that stop us?”
“It doesn’t I guess. But I think we both ought to make these decisions on a clear mind.”
“Like I said before; I wanted to for a long time, and you too. Now we’re just not afraid to say it.”
I nodded, pulled the bottle to take another sip, only to realize that it is empty. Rainbow tossed me another.
“I guess you are kind of my favorite.”
Rainbow blushed and kissed me again, but this time didn’t pull away at once. She held on for a good 3 minutes until she pulled away gasping for breath.
“How do you hold your breath for so long?”
“I play the tuba” I said triumphantly.
“Right, and what in the name of Celestia possessed you to choose that?”
“I don’t know. It was offered in elementary school so I took it. Do you play anything?”
“Nah. I tried my luck on the trombone but it was just too awkward.” She said, sliding her foreleg forwards and backwards, imitating a trombone player’s movements. This time I giggled a bit. Suddenly she hugged me like a bear and plunged her tongue into my mouth. After I got over the initial shock, I reciprocated and we battled over control. Suddenly she pinned me down, still firmly fighting my tongue back. Then she slowly lowered herself onto my chest. I gasped, but not from lack of air. She smiled at the apparent victory she had over my mouth and started grinding up and down my chest, her tongue sticking out partially from the side of the smirk across her muzzle.
I tilted my head down to see her grinding away at my belly, leaving a trail of wetness as she went. Right as she thrust forward I lunged my chest up and she landed on my face, just as I had planned. I entered her with my tongue, this time without any other tongue to fight back. Rainbow’s wings by now have unfurled to their majestic beauty and slightly fluttered as I explored all around until I found one particular spot she seemed to like. She turned herself completely around and saw a little pool of rainbow forming on an indentation in the wall. She quickly leaned over, trying to make sure my tongue doesn’t exit her, and grabbed a hooffull of rainbow, and proceeded to rub it all over me, turning me into a sort of pearlescent shiny Christmas tree ornament covered in smudges of tie-dye. I reciprocated this action and also covered her in rainbow, making her look like a big blob of colors topped with a vivid mane to match. With that, she leaned forward over me and now took me into her mouth.
This only made me more thrilled and I grabbed her by the flank and pulled her in closer to me, which was now significantly easier because the rainbow had made both of us very slippery, like we were both coated in a layer of shampoo. By now she was sweating liberally and holding on tight to the covers of cloud and stated to tear up from the spicy rainbow juice she conveniently placed, and I could feel some dripping down into her too. Then suddenly, she lifted her head and clenched her teeth. The look in her eyes said it all; her dark pink pupils, previously dilated, suddenly contracted and her jaw dropped. Without missing a beat, I finished her as she screamed so loud, Prince Blueblood, who happened to be nearby, seized up and flopped on the ground with a thud. All this commotion made my cannon down below fire off as well, landing some shots off on her chest and the rest all over the cloud. An unfortunate enough drop, tainted in rainbow, came plummeting out of the sky and hit Prince Blueblood, recovering from his fall, right in his left eye. He fell again, covering his face with his hooves, screaming in agony, contrasting Rainbow’s earlier screams of joy.
“Man… that was DEFINITELY 20% cooler than what I was expecting from a human.”
“Whoa… that… that was… AWESOME!” I replied as Rainbow fell asleep in her afterglow, followed soon by myself.
*
The next morning, for likely the first time during my stay in Equestria, It seems as though I woke up completely on my bed. As I opened my eyes some more I realized this hypothesis was false; I wasn’t in my bed. I turned my head and noticed Rainbow also just getting up. Her coat was all ruffled and her mane was stuck to her forehead from last night’s sweat, which by now has dried. She turned around and noticed I was up.
“Man… last night was RADICAL!” Rainbow dash said, noticing streaks of dry cum all over her soft cyan coat, tearing up a little as she attempted to pull it out, the large smile across her face still bright as ever. “The rainbow still stings a bit though” she said, rubbing between her legs. "Uh...wow...I dunno how to ask this but...was this your first time with a pony?"
"Was this your first with a human?"
“Yes.” We both matter-of-factly replied simultaneously.
“Well, to be fair, that was my first time with anybody … or pony, for that matter.”
Rainbow thought about how to reply, but then figured she could trust me by now.
“Well, that may also have been my first time with anyone also… but don’t tell anypony!” she said defensively, fearing defamation of her awesomeness should anypony find out.
“Think about it this way” I replied. “You can’t say that anymore.”
“Just one more thing…” she added, picking another bit of dried cum off her belly, tearing up again as a few more hairs got pulled out. “Next time, shoot your bolt inside of me, please.”
Author’s Note
For that last part, you can thank some of my brony friends who convinced me, and helped me write pretty much all of the clop scene. Thanks guys, you are all pervs but I love you all nonetheless . Especially you Adam, you have quite the… erm… imagination.
Dash and I parted for the day as usual, I try to find a job and she tries to do hers while maximizing downtime. I headed for town like always, along the cobblestone and sand path from the lake to town square, where maybe I could find myself a new job. Once I got to town square I sat at the base of the marble fountain of Celestia and scanned around me for any possible employers.
“Excuse me sir, but do you know where I can find Dr. Whooves?”
I looked up to find a stallion with a dark blue mane, face concealed behind a map, asking me passively.
“No I’m sorry I don’t know him. I haven’t been here for very long.”
“A tourist then? Ok I’ll be on my way then.” He said, turning away.
“Well no I live with Rainbow but I just don’t know Dr. Whooves, we haven’t really met.”
He froze and turned his head away from his map and looked at me. He was a pale blue stallion with a dark blue spikey mane, very similar to Rainbow’s except the grain was moving the other direction. His cutie mark was a white two-tiered lightning bolt, with a wing extending back from the top tier.
“Rainbow, as in Rainbow Dash?” he said, partially shocked. “You live with her?”
“Well yes, we’re uhh… very good friends and I don’t have a house of my own because I’m in a bit of a time-space predicament.”
“Oh well sounds like you are a pretty cool colt… or… human I think. You should totally meet some of my friends. Name’s Soarin, by the way.”
“Arthur. Where are they at?”
“Here, follow me” he said. He led me to a parking lot behind Sugarcube Corner and hopped on his motorcycle, putting on a helmet and a black leather jacket.
“Well, you coming on?” he asked, a bit impatiently but mostly coaxingly. I smiled and hopped on. Why a Pegasus would need a motorcycle, I haven’t the slightest clue. But he’s Soarin. He is filthy rich and famous. Why not? We drove down a mostly straight road for a good 10 minutes, far enough to not be in the vicinity of Ponyville yet still we were surrounded my shops and houses. I assumed we were in a satellite city of Ponyville.
“Here we are” he said excitedly as we arrived at a wooden building with a neon sign that said “Fetlock’s Folly”. He parked the motorcycle and hopped off, removing his clothing.
“So what is this place?”
“Oh, just a bar I like to go to. You should really check it out.”
I went in and instantly I was greeted with that familiar smell… or rather stench of alcohol. I scanned around the room. It was a rather big room, with a bar in the middle, surrounded on all sides by bar stools mounted on metal poles, with café tables and chairs around the perimeter, and stripper poles in a corner.
“Yep.” I stated. “This is a bar alright.”
“Yeah, the guys are over there.” He pointed to the corner farthest from the strippers with his forehoof. “I know you’re probably relieved the strippers are out of sight.” He chuckled a bit.
“Well this whole thing with horses is a bit awkward, if you know what I mean, and horse sluts aren’t exactly a comforting prospect to ponder about.”
“Fair enough” he said, right as we got to our table.
“Soarin!”
“Hey Soarin!”
“Long time no see!”
A cry rung out from the table we arrived at.
“Who’s the new… thing?”
“Arnie, Tornado; this is my new friend… what was it, Arthur?”
“Well hey there, Arthur!” Tornado Alley said in a brash, gravelly voice, which sounded like he constantly had to cough really badly.
“Hi…” I replied shyly. I sat down next to Soarin, across the table from Arnie and Tornado.
“How’d you meet him?”
“Oh earlier today I met him in Ponyville, he says he’s friends with Rainbow Dash!”
“Rainbow?” Exclaimed Tornado. “That mare from the young fliers competition 3 months ago?”
“That’s the one!” replied Soarin. "Heh Torn, you know Rainbow Dash? If we were together, we'd make a Sonic Rainboom sound like a whisper...if ya know what I mean."
Arnie and Torn started laughing, Torn especially so, banging his mug of cider against the table. I shot an angry look at Soarin.
“What’s wrong, Arthur?”
“Someone got to her first…”
“Well, who?”
“I did.” I said with exaggerated anger. I wasn’t really angry at Soarin, but I just decided to play off the situation and hopefully incite some drama to my advantage.
Soarin looked at me with a stunned look on his face. “Oh, dude I’m sorry, I didn’t know you two were like that ” he said sincerely.
“Excuse me sir, would you like something to drink?”
I turned around and noticed a pretty darn ugly purple mare smoking a cigarette with a round tray full of empty glasses.
“No ma’am, I won’t be having anything tonight.”
“Why not?” Asked Soarin.
“Well I don’t really have any money and-“
With that, Soarin slapped down on the table a 100 bit coin. “Pick up his tab for the rest of the night” he ordered the mare. “Oh, and get the gentlecolt a glass of zap apple cider.”
“Can I see some ID?”
Since I wasn’t born in Equestria, I didn’t have an ID, nor any way to register my age with no documents.
“Well you see ma’am…” Soarin began. “He is not a pony, as you can tell, and therefore he is not given an ID.”
“Ah well, they can’t sue me if I don’t serve it to a minor pony” she said with a raspy voice and walked away, snatching the money and writing something down.
“Oh! AND BRING ME THE USUAL!” he shouted, and the mare nodded. “So…” Soarin said, nudging me with his elbow. “Are we cool?”
“Yeah.” I said contently. Soarin smiled at me and started talking to Arnie about Fleetfoot; something about her asymmetrical inner feathers.
“Here you go, sir.” The ugly mare said again. She pushed a mug of rainbow colored liquid to me.
“Aw hell no I’m not drinking any more rainbow!”
“No no no, don’t worry, it’s just zap apple cider!” Soarin said, laughing a bit at the end.
I took a sip, and I cringed at the feeling of the zap apple cider in my throat. If there was such a feeling as drinking a toaster, that was pretty much it.
“Hah!” exclaimed Soarin. “You look like you just drank a toaster!”
“Pretty much” I said, coughing a bit, and drinking some more. It tasted pretty good. It just felt like while you were drinking it you were being raped by an elephant. A worthy sacrifice I guess.
“And here you go sir” the ugly mare said, suddenly appearing before us, sliding a hot 14” in diameter pie to an eager Soarin.
“Psst!” whispered Tornado, handing me an item under the table. It was a short white small cylinder with a crease in the middle; a pill. Without much thought I popped it in my mouth. Tornado facehoofed and laughed at me, handing me another. “Stick this in Soarin’s pie!” He whispered. “It’ll be funny!”
I was all for a good joke, so I stuck it in as Soarin was readying his utensils, only to immediately drop them and slam his face into one end of the pie, munching loudly.
“OM NOM NOM… Cherry pie. MY FAVORITE!” he announced with a full mouth, sending bits of wet crust flying across the table, hitting Arnie in the forehead. Under normal circumstances he would have probably decked him in the face, but he just wiped it off and grinned. He was in on the prank too too. I felt funny.
I noticed a bulge growing in my pants. I wasn’t turned on by anything… nothing much to be turned on by in here anyway. The strippers were hidden behind the bar and I wasn’t looking in that direction anyway. It just kept growing and wouldn’t go away. I felt embarrassed a bit and tried to hide myself in my zap apple cider.
“Umm… why is this happening?” asked Soarin. I turned to see his pie levitating a good foot above the table. I also noticed it wasn’t floating in the air, but held up… by a long light blue pole…
Tornado and Arnie were absolutely laughing their balls off at this point, banging their faces against the table and even crying a bit. Soarin’s face was plastered in red as he tried to hide his member, but by now it was too late and it wouldn’t bend under.
“What are you trying to do there, Soarin?” asked Arnie, holding back giggles and tears.
I ran to the bathroom, holding a menu around my waist. I don’t think anyone noticed me; the spotlight was on Soarin. I ran into the first stall, locking the door.
Once I finished I unlocked the door, hoping to get out, only to be met by a charging Soarin, who not even noticing me, rammed through the door, knocking me over. With sweat flying from his mane, he rammed his sausage into the pie, gasping, and sending cum flying all over the walls and giving the pie a new filling.
“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t see you there” he said, slightly blushing. “Now who the heck made it snow in this stall? Oh well, can’t let this fine pie go to waste…” he said, as he started to devour the pastry, at first trying to avoid the splooge but eventually give up and just eating the whole thing, smacking his lips and licking his forehooves. “You know, you’re a pretty cool guy. Maybe we can have you join the Wonderbolts…”
“How would that work? I don’t fly!”
“I know… Here come with me!” he said excitedly, waddling out of the stall with a limp. I followed him just out of curiosity, but also likely because being a Wonderbolt would seriously impress Rainbow.
*
We drove up all the way to Canterlot, a good 30 minutes away opposite of the direction to Ponyville, behind a chain-link fence heavily patrolled by guards. Soarin was stopped at an outpost, but he flashed his ID and was given the clear. By now it was late evening and the sky was dark blue, but the compound was well lit and coated in hangars. Soarin drove his motorcycle into one, it appeared to be the hangar belonging to him and a few other Wonderbolts, because there were 4 sets of uniforms hanging on racks.
“Alright, it’s right there” Soarin said, pointing to a corner of the hangar that seemed to be his. It had flattering pictures of Rainbow Dash, Spitfire, and most of all… lots and lots of pies. It wouldn’t be so disturbing if I didn’t envy his living quarters. I still wonder how he got Spitfire to pose for those pictures of her…
“Here it is…” he said, pulling out a pipe-like device from under his bed. “It’s a jet engine that is strappable to one’s back to create propelled flight. Something some of the other Wonderbolts invented and I’ve been hiding. We call it… A Packjet!”
“Why… did you all make that?”
“At first we thought it would make us go faster. It did, but we couldn’t nearly push all the controls at once with just two hooves to have any agility. However, you have 10 fingers, which can be a huge advantage in the operation.”
“So you’re saying if I am able to control this, I can join the Wonderbolts?”
“Heck, if you can control this to its full extent, you will outperform us!”
“How’s it work?” I asked, trying to conceal my giddiness as best I could.
“Well, this doohickey here is the “on” button, this panel here is the avionics, this phallic object is the rudders, this other phallic object is the trim, and this last phallic object is just there because it looks cool…”
Soarin explained to me the controls as best he could, after which I strapped on the packjet, and pushed the on button. Not surprisingly, it flew right off the cowling, darted around the hangar, and shot right into the ground, exploding into a ball of flame, sending Soarin head over heels into a wall, twisting one of his legs in the process.
“Gaaaaah!” Soarin screamed, loud enough to send every Wonderbolt in surrounding hangars to see what the commotion was about.
“Is everything ok in here?” Rapidfire asked, soon to have his own question answered by the burning wreck in the center of the hangar and Soarin leaning against the wall holding his right hind leg.
“I think I may have hurt myself…” Soarin said with a voice of concern and embarrassment.
The team medic stepped forward and poked Soarin’s leg.
“GAAAAAAH!” he yelled again.
“Yep. He hurt himself.” The medic said.
“How bad?” Questioned Spitfire.
“Beats me. Just have him rest for a week or two and he should be better.”
“What?” I asked. “He obviously sprained his… whatever joint horses have between their legs and their hooves. If you elevate it and put ice on it it will be better 3 times as fast.”
“Where did you learn that?” asked Spitfire, with even more question in her voice.
“School. We learn that stuff.”
She gave a puzzling eye at the team medic. “Are you sure you’re qualified?” She asked condescendingly.
“Hey, I’m all you’ve got” said the medic just as condescendingly.
“Not anymore. Welcome Arthur to the team. You’re our new official medic!”
I could barely contain my excitement as I was handed an official Wonderbolts uniform, even though it is clearly designed for a pony, it was still an honor. I could always have Rarity restitch it later. Elated, I almost flew back to Ponyville. But then I accidentally gravity.
“So…” Spitfire’s attention suddenly turned to Soarin. “Mind explaining this?” she asked, holding in her mouth a picture of herself in the shower.
Author’s Note
I meant for “But then I accidentally gravity” to be grammatically incorrect…
“Hey Rainbow, I’m back!” I said excitedly as I walked into the cloud house. Rainbow wasn’t expecting me back this late, so obviously she was suspicious.
“It’s pretty late. Where the hay were you?”
“I was up in Canterlot for a bit. I found a job there.”
“Now what could you be doing in Canterlot that could-“
She stopped, her mouth hanging down to the cloud floor. She saw the Wonderbolts uniform in my hands.
“Would you mind explaining what you’re doing with THAT?” she interrogated.
“Not at all. I’m part of the Wonderbolts now.”
Rainbow knew what the uniform meant, but she still seemed to be flustered by my confirmation.
“So I have been training my flank off for years to join them, and you just sign up and you’re in? You can’t even freakin’ fly!” she interjected with obvious understandable jealousy.
“Oh well it’s a long story-“
“I have time. I am honestly curious as to how you managed to pull this off.”
“Alright well the day I left for town square, I met Soarin by the f-“
“Oh my gosh. You met Soarin?!?”
“Met him? We went to a bar together and talked a lot until he ejaculated all over the place.”
Dash gave me a very puzzled look. “Wh- what? ”
“Long story. It was a prank we pulled on him while he was eating a pie. It’s a guy thing. So then he said I’d make a great Wonderbolt so he brought me to Canterlot and strapped some jetpack thing on me to let me fly but it of course malfunctioned and blew up and he got hurt but the medic was stupid so they fired him and I was put in his place.”
“Oh, so you’re the medic .”
“Yes. Pretty much.”
“So why do you have a flight suit… for a pony?”
“It’s a uniform thing. I’ll get Rarity to sew it to my size.”
She looked at the uniform with awe.
“Can I just see it for a bit?”
“I don’t see why not. It’s a male uniform though, as you can tell by the muzzle and the two tiered lightning bolt with wings over the cutie mark area.”
Rainbow hastily put the suit on, not used to the zipper that ran from head to legs, not the other way around as usual, so that in fast flight it doesn’t become unzipped. Rainbow looked awesome- tight blue suit with lightning bolts wrapping around her hooves and a large bolt from her neck down the middle of her body. The uniform around her muzzle wasn’t airtight, but it still fit quite well. She put on my goggles and started darting around the room, out a window, and lit up the sky in zigzags of rainbow. After a good 10 minutes of flying around her house, Rainbow flew back in. Her mane now looked like Spitfire’s from the air blowing against it, but it still remained the vivid rainbow, with cyan wings tucked to her body.
“You know… I think this achievement calls for a celebration…” she said, unzipping her uniform from her legs up, but stopping at her waist. “So Soarin…” she said with her best Spitfire voice imitation. “You can’t possibly fly all swollen down there…”
*
The next morning I woke up, again in Rainbow’s bed, me and my uniform covered in rainbow. Of course, Rainbow was all nice and tidy because the uniform took most of the rainbow, even though her hair was messed up and her wings were covered in spots with rainbow too. She was still sleeping, balled up with one of her wings partially covering her face, keeping most of the sun out of her eyes. I picked the uniform up off the ground and decided to get an early start (at 10 in the morning) by going to Rarity’s shop to get my uniform dry-cleaned and sewn to the proper dimensions. As I prepared to leave, I noticed a calendar on the wall had tomorrow’s date circled. It will be Rainbow’s 18th birthday.
Normally I would need Rainbow’s help to get down, but today there was a thick fog rolling in so I just belly-slid down, not only getting down but also efficiently washing myself off from the rainbow which stung a bit when it got in my nose. As I walked to Rarity’s shop I began thinking what to do for Rainbow’s birthday. I should probably get her a cake- unless someone else is already getting a cake and didn’t tell me.
“Sure thing, darling, I still have your dimensions; I should be able to fix this up no problem.” Rarity assured.
I headed for Sugarcube Corner down the block, maybe Mr. and Mrs. Cake would check their logs for any cakes for Rainbow. Fortunately, Mr. Cake was at the counter and I didn’t have to deal with Pinkie all alone. It’s not that I fear her; I’m just paranoid after reading Cupcakes. That shit was scary.
“Ah, hello Arthur, I’ve been hearing a lot about you lately! Did you really join the Wonderbolts?”
“Word spreads fast… considering I just joined last night…”
“Ah, well what can I do for you?”
“Are there any orders in place for Rainbow Dash’s birthday tomorrow?”
“Hmm… surprisingly not. I have one for the birthday of a nice mare named Ms. Hooves for tomorrow, but that’s the only one.”
“Alright, then I’d like to place an order for a cake… hmm… lemon cake with cyan icing and rainbow sprinkles!”
“Would you like the sprinkles to be rainbow-flavored?”
“Heck no!”
“Alright, it should be ready for pickup tomorrow morning.”
I decided to head back to Rainbow’s place. I had until 12 before I should board a train to Canterlot. It’s a 20 minute trip, meaning I should have plenty of time for the meeting at 12:45 should an unexpected event occur, which is usually the case. Then I thought- maybe I should make her a present. She seemed really interested in planes; maybe I can make her a model plane.
I headed to the blacksmith near town square. He allowed me to barrow his tools and sold me some scrap iron for 5 bits. I bought an electric toothbrush earlier from a store and disassembled it to try to make the prop spin. I hammered out a sheet of metal flat and rolled it into a cylinder, welding the seam shut so it became a fuselage. I also welded some nubs on to it- I guess they were wings. Finally I attached the propeller to the shaft of the toothbrush. I didn’t want to test it out of fear that it will spontaneously combust, so I kept it intact for the sake of showing up with something.
I did my best climbing back up the fog, and came back inside. Rainbow was already making breakfast. As usual, Eggo waffles. Eggs and bacon would sound good, but unfortunately in this universe it’s inconsiderate to eat eggs or meat.
“Hi Rainbow” I said.
“Hey! Fun time we had last night… Want some waffles?”
“You sure wake up late. It’s almost noon.”
“Well we were up until 1 in the morning. I need my beauty sleep.”
I felt like making a comment about Rarity, but I knew what she meant. She just likes sleeping in. I ate my waffles and slid down again, this time the fog was much thinner by now and I kept bouncing over pockets and stumbling upon craters. Rainbow did me a favor and flew me down to the ground.
“So if you’re joining the Wonderbolts, does that mean now we can’t be together?”
“Nonsense! We just have to make you a Wonderbolt too. That shouldn’t be too hard.”
“Yeah and my birthday is tomorrow!”
“Yep and I have a present ready for you!”
“Oh my gosh what is it?”
“I’m not going to-“
“No wait don’t tell me. I want it to be a surprise!” she said with a huge smile on her eager face. She thinks it will be a good present; that kind of scares me.
Right about then I decide to head to the train station. As always, I just miss the train arriving at 11:58 and have to wait for the next one at 12:17; that cuts me down to just a few minutes to spare. The 20 minute long train ride to Canterlot was relatively uneventful. A few bumps, some pony begging for money because he says he is super poor just to have his wife call him on a phone he was hiding and bust his act.
I hastily ran into the compound with the hangars, no one bothered to check for ID; they knew who I am. I walked into the middlemost hangar as I was instructed and saw all the Wonderbolts sitting by a projector and a screen. I saw Soarin who seemed hypnotized by the blank screen and the projector’s fan whirring. I sat next to him.
“Oh hi!” Soarin said.
“So how did things go last night?”
“Oh well spitfire bucked me in the nuts for taking that picture of her, I probably deserved that, and then for some reason as I lay on the floor crying and covering my nuts she dropped a copy of ‘Sports Equestriated’ in front of me with a hot picture of her all wet on the cover and said ‘I look better on this anyway’, winked, and walked away.”
“Damn. Sounds like she likes you.”
“Meh. We have our ups and downs” Spitfire replied behind us, startling us a little. “Let’s face it. You’ve caught me doing worse, and I’ve caught you doing worse.”
“Heh, sounds like everyone’s got the dirt on everyone.” I said sheepishly.
“You’re darn right we do” Spitfire said, slamming down in front of me with her hoof a picture of me and Rainbow from last night.
“Do you guys spy heavily on each other all the time?” I asked with deep concern.
“Actually…” Spitfire contested. “I intercepted this from the paparazzi. You really have to be careful what you do out there now that you’re a bona fide Wonderbolt.”
“So Soarin, you also intercepted that picture from paparazzi?”
“No. I just think…” Soarin started saying, but died down to a whisper. “Spitfire turns me on.”
I checked behind me to see if Spitfire was listening in but by now she was at the front preparing to present something. She started up the projector and showed a map of where they will go on their next 3 day tour, what moves they will perform, and where they will greet fans and sign photos. Since I’m the rookie I have fan mail duty. I give a standardized reply to every address we receive mail from and if there are any items, usually pictures to sign, I put them to the side for later use for I don’t know what.
“Hey” Spitfire said in her usual nice voice. “You realize if you’re a Wonderbolt it will be pretty much impossible to have an outside relationship.”
“So you’re saying I should give up on Rainbow?”
“Heck no. Remind her we are having tryouts in the Cloudsdale Cloudessium next month. Last year we turned her down because she was 17 so this year is the year!”
Since Soarin’s hangar was pretty much empty, I was assigned to a side of it. I had a section with a nice big bed... almost too big... but then again this is a bed for celebrities. And their lesser-known medic. I thought about how great it would be when Rainbow was a Wonderbolt too. We would pretty much be inseparable... unless one of us lost our jobs or something. Very rarely do I think of a positive hypothetical situation; I don’t know why, I guess I just hate to bring my hopes up.
*
The next day I woke up to the sound of an obnoxiously loud horn. It was still 5 in the morning. Luna’s shift hasn’t even ended yet. I slowly got up and went to see if Soarin was up this early too. He also had just gotten up, but seemed a lot more energetic.
“So how was your first night, rookie?”
“It hasn’t ended yet and you’re asking me now?”
Soarin laughed at my joke, even though I was being serious. “Don’t worry it gets easier as you get used to it.”
I went outside and saw every Wonderbolt all dressed and ready filing into a row. Spitfire passed in front of the row, counting heads, and led everypony in a stretching exercise. They did some stretches and then began flying 3 kilometers in a line over the track around the compound. After the Wonderbolts finished their daily exercises, me excluded because I can’t fly, everypony want to the hangar where the meeting was held for breakfast. It was still the crack of dawn and the sky a navy blue hue. I followed the Wonderbolts into the hangar where tables were positioned filled with waffles, pancakes, orange juice, muffins, bagels, oats, and all sorts of other non-meat breakfast items. I sat down and saw Spitfire digging into a muffin, Fleetfoot drinking juice, on of course Soarin burying his face into a pie, munching loudly. I don’t even know where he got the pie; there were no pies on the table. And then I saw what looked like a tin vessel filled with omelet. Since I hadn’t had one in such a long time, I gave myself a piece. Soarin snickered.
“Ou mow, Arfur, at omwet if weely gwof.”
Unable to discern what he was trying to say, I ate a piece. It didn’t taste like omelet at all, as a matter of fact it had a sulfury taste. I cringed. Soarin swallowed.
“I was trying to say, the omelet is gross. It’s made of powdered eggs.”
Essentially pissed, I had a blueberry muffin. It was a really good muffin, so I felt better. After breakfast I decided I needed to talk to Soarin, since he was becoming like a best friend to me. I knocked on the door to his room.
“AAAH! No Spitfire! Don’t come in!”
He didn’t even shut the door properly, so my knocking opened it. I saw his room was a bit of a mess, his uniform lay wrinkled on the floor, and he was shoving a magazine, mostly unsuccessfully, into the crevice between his bed frame and the mattress. He turned and saw it was me.
“Oh just you.” He said, relieved, pulling the “Sports Equestriated” magazine out of its cramped location. “What’s up?”
“I want to talk to you about relationships...”
“Ugh, don’t you have a mom-“ he stopped and quickly corrected himself. “I mean, of course. I don’t know much about women but I’ll tell you what I know...”
“I meant about Wonderbolt relationships.”
“Umm, well see I’m kind of treading on this ice too. You can have sex with other Wonderbolts technically, there’s no rule against that, but you can’t let it destroy your professionalism or waste time so what me and Spitfire do is-“
“No no no I meant how strained will my relationship be with anypony not part of the Wonderbolts?”
“Oh, that’s even tougher. If we’re on tour they can see you from the stands but they can’t come to the VIP area where we are so it might be tough. Why, is it about Rainbow?”
“Kinda. Today’s her birthday.”
“Oh, and tonight we fly for the show in Fillydelphia. Well I think you two have plenty of time. We’ll only be gone for 3 days, it’s not like some of our 2 week tours happening later in the year. I think by then Rainbow will have joined us. I mean, have you seen her? If we’ve heard about her, she’s pretty much a shoe-in.”
With that, I left to go back to Ponyville, where I would have to tell Rainbow on her birthday I have to go on tour for a few days. It doesn’t sound too bad… only a few days away.
*
I arrived at the blacksmith shop to pick up my plane, all wrapped up in some nice wrapping paper, and my cake from the shop, for which I emptied the rest of my bits. Pinkie had told me the party will be in Applejack’s barn as usual because it is roomy and can be emptied quickly.
I arrived to a room full of excited faces, notably Rainbow, who has just pinned the tail on a drawn pony on the barn wall. I set the cake on the table and was met with a barrage of hugs and questions. It turns out Rainbow likes lemon cake, so it wasn’t a complete disaster, after which we gave her presents. Rarity gave her one first.
“Oh boy, I wonder what this is!” She said, eagerly tearing apart the wrapping. It was a sweater. Her face slumped.
“Now mine!” cheered Pinkie. With some hesitation, Rainbow tore apart the gift wrapping.
“What is it?” she asked, holding up an absorbent piece of cloth.
“Why it’s a towel silly, and it’s ever so useful! A towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, washcloth, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet-weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitchhiker might accidentally have "lost". What the strag will think is that anypony who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is, is clearly a pony to be reckoned with.”
“Thanks Pinkie...” Rainbow said sheepishly, determining that the present would have more value had that speech not been made.
Rainbow also got a tome on the history of spackle from Twilight, a bushel of apples from Applejack, and a minigun from Fluttershy, complete with 400,000 bits worth of ammo. Now it was my turn. I handed her my plane, it looked like a Sopwith Camel that was blown up and reassembled by 9 year olds with dementia.
“I uh, how does it work?” Rainbow asked.
“You push this button under this nub here.”
By now the propeller had long fallen off, and what remained was a fuselage with little nubby wings and a bulky empennage. Rainbow turned on the toothbrush motor inside and the whole thing started vibrating. The drive shaft didn’t turn, so even of the prop was still there it wouldn’t turn anyway.
“Oh.. hehe.” Rainbow’s face grew pink.
“Is that what Ah think it is?” asked Applejack.
“If you are thinking it’s a failed attempt at an airplane then you-“
“IT’S A VIBRATOR!” cheered Pinkie, bouncing around the room. “That’s one of the most thoughtful things you could have given her since you won’t be here a while because you’re going to be gone with the Wonderbolts like you said earlier but told me not to tell anyone YAAAAY!”
“Rainbow, It was supposed to be an airplane.”
“Oh, well that’s ok, at least it’s not a sweater.”
“Hey!” interjected Rarity
“To be honest, I don’t think much can compare to Fluttershy’s gift” she said, revving up the minigun.
She tucked the airplane away into a bag with the rest of her presents, except for the sweater. At least she likes it enough to keep it.
“Oh darling, I almost forgot” Rarity said, tossing me a redesigned Wonderbolts uniform.
I put it on and surprisingly, it fit pretty well. In fact, without any other clothes on it might even fit just right. Rainbow flew up to me and hugged me.
“By the way tryouts are in a few weeks. Then you will be a true Wonderbolt and not some lame medic.” I said reassuringly.
With that, our lips met again.
Rainbow Dash the Wonderbolt
ONE MONTH HAS ELAPSED
I stood between Surprise and Wavechill on a balcony looking over the Cloudsdale Cloudiseum, the seats filled to capacity in a multicolored throng of pegasi cheering and anticipating a good show. A camera crew stood on the balcony below us, brashly gloating that they are broadcasting in 1080pony HD. 25 contenders are lined up at the gate, one by one to show their skills and hope to join the Wonderbolts. Rainbow happened to be towards the back, not because she was afraid like in the Young Fliers Competition 2 years back, but rather because that’s just where she ended up.
“Contestant #1... SNOWFLAKE!” the announcer shouted, and an extremely bulked up pegasus with tiny wings and a dumbbell cutie mark stepped to the center of the Cloudiseum.
“YEAAAAAH!” he yelled, flexing his biceps. “YEAAAAAH!” he yelled again, flexing them again in a different position. This went on for about 30 more seconds until Spitfire yelled “NEXT!” and the announcer shooed him back under the stands.
“Contestant #2... CLOUDCHASER!” the announcer yells again. A lavender pegasus with ice blue hair flies out and begins to do some aerial maneuvers such as loops and corkscrews.
“Not bad...” said Rapidfire. “But we definitely need to see something better.” added Spitfire. “NEXT!”
“Contestant #3... TWISTER, DIZZY!”
A few more contestants appeared, performing nice moves, but nothing noticeably Wonderbolts material. The fans have died down by now, not shouting until a decent maneuver was performed.
Right as the 6th contestant performed, a loud cry came from behind us.
“Sir! Get back!” a royal guard pegasus commanded.
“You don’t understand! I need to talk to Misty!”
Misty retreated behind Fire Streak, as if she recognized the voice.
“No I have to talk to her! This is important!”
“Sir!” another pegasus guard yelled. “Stand back or I will tase you!”
“Please I need a word with her I’m her ex-boyfriend go ask h- AUGHACHACHACHACH!”
“Don’t make me tase you again!”
By now the pegasus began crying. “Please just for a minute” *sob* “I need to- AUGHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACH”
“Fine I guess I’ll just go away the- AUGHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACH”
Misty, now too, began crying, but everypony’s attention returned back to the performance at the stadium.
“This is what I meant” Soarin said. “Relationships with someone who becomes a Wonderbolt tend to fray pretty badly.”
“Spitfire?” a pegasus that looked very similar to Spitfire asked.
“Yes Blaze?”
“Why is the medic helping us judge?”
I felt a bit offended.
“He says he knows quite a bit about aviation from Earth, and he isn’t doing much harm here. Isn’t that right Arthur?”
“Yeah I guess” I replied, trying not to sound sappy.
“Contestant #10... THUNDERLANE!” A black pegasus with a light blue Mohawk takes the field and immediately soars into the sky until he is just a black dot. We all squint our eyes, trying to see him behind the glare of the sun, and he darts downwards, one hoof extended in front of him, flapping his wings wildly.
“What’s he trying to do?” Rapidfire asked, intrigued.
“I think... he’s trying to break Mach One...” Wavechill said, stunned.
“It won’t work.” I said flatly and somberly.
“Why do you think not?” asked Spitfire, curious as to my reasoning.
“First off, his technique is all wrong, you dive with both forehooves extended, not ‘superman’ style. Also, he is diving straight down. The move is best performed on a very steep angle, but not directly down like he’s doing. I see potential in this colt, he even has a cutie mark resembling Rainbow’s, but I really don’t see him joining without professional training. He’s just going to end up running out of time without doing anything significant.”
“Interesting thinking.” Spitfire said with a straight face, sounding uninterested. She had the rare talent of disguising any emotion at will. Soarin often jokes if she didn’t have a flaming lightning bolt cutie mark, it would then most likely be a poker cutie mark. She reciprocates the joke saying if Soarin didn’t have a winged lightning bolt cutie mark, he would have a cutie mark resembling a large vacuum sucking up a pile of pies.
Thunderlane was back in viewable distance now. A Mach Cone has formed around his extended hoof, growing slightly larger with each passing second. He was nearing the ground of the stadium now, and the crowd was going wild.
“He’s at 800 kph! 2/3 of the speed of sound!” the announcer shouted. “900kph! 950kph!”
Suddenly Thunderlane realized he could not possibly pull the maneuver off and flailed his wings the other way, trying to slow himself down. He successfully slowed his descent, but not nearly fast enough, stumbling a lot in the process, and landed face first in the cloud, hard as concrete to a pegasus, and lay there motionless.
“MEDIC!” the announcer yelled. Some of the Wonderbolts had already sprung into action and flew to his aid.
“Alright, let’s go” Spitfire said, grabbing me like Rainbow used to and flew me gently down to the cloud below as royal guard ponies kept the eager media back. Two staff pegasi helped him up. Though dazed, he said he was able to walk off and he did.
“Maybe next time” Spitfire said, chuckling, and lifted me back up to our balcony.
“And now contestant #11... HOOVES, DERPY!” [silence] “Derpy? *Indistinct talking in the background* Oh dear, that sounds painful. *More indistinct talking* Will she be ok? *More indistinct talking* Well may Celestia be with her. Alright, contestant #12... Rainbow...” *Every Wonderbolt gasps* “...shine. Rainbowshine, please perform.” “And now contestant #12... contestant #14... contestant #17... #18... 21...” the announcer kept announcing. “Contestant #23... DASH, RAINBOW!”
Every Wonderbolt grew excited. They knew this was the one mare that would not disappoint. She darted into the sky immediately, only followed by a long streak of rainbow. She dove from much lower than Thunderlane, but then again she didn’t need the altitude. However, she wasn’t simply content with doing another sonic rainboom. As a Mach cone formed around her, she flew through clouds, sucking them with her so that they trained behind her. Right at the base of the stadium she finally performed the sonic rainboom, sending a massive shockwave throughout the Cloudiseum, knocking anypony standing over, did a roll in midair, and perfectly stuck the landing, standing spread eagle as the clouds that trailed her exploded into a fine mist, creating a rainbow across the grounds.
“Damn she’s good” said Soarin, whose jaw had dropped to the ground.
“We’re going to need to talk to her” said Spitfire, with a bright smile across her face.
The next few performances were short and uneventful, after which the Wonderbolts did a performance of their own flying synchronized doing dives and loops and then flying into each other and pulling up last second, after which the Equestrian national anthem was played and everypony left.
*
“Hey Dash!” Spitfire called as Rainbow prepared to leave. “We have to talk to you!”
Rainbow gave out an excited squee and followed Spitfire into the VIP section where the rest of the Wonderbolts, including me, were sitting.
“Now Dash, this is an important decision which you should not take lightly. Becoming a Wonderbolt is life-changing. Do you want to join?”
Rainbow mockingly sat down and scratched her head for a moment, then sprung back up.
“Uh, YEAH!”
“Great. You’re in.”
“You really scared me for a second there, rookie!” Soarin said, munching away at a pie. “Welcome to the Wonderbolts!”
Rainbow smiled from ear to ear and tried her best not to squee again.
“Once we get to Canterlot we can outfit you with a uniform and get you a place to sleep.”
“Not you again!” yelled a pegasus guard.
“I just really need to talk to Misty! She didn’t even say good-bye to our colt B-AUGHACHACHACHACHACHACH!”
I felt relieved that now that Rainbow’s a Wonderbolt, at least THAT won’t happen between us.
*
We arrived at the hangars right as the sun was setting.
“I guess it’s dinner time” High Winds said, flying to the middlemost hangar, followed by a few other Wonderbolts who didn’t bother to run to their rooms to put their goggles away so they didn’t sit on their foreheads. I and Dash followed them to the hangar where a feast was set out for us. Celery sticks, stuffing, salad, ice cream, lettuce and tomato sandwiches, and basically everything except for meat. This was getting annoying. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Soarin eating a fruit salad.
“What, no pie?” I asked partially with genuine curiosity but mostly from shock.
“Nah, I love pie but honestly if I eat it like 3 times a day it stuffs up my plumbing pretty bad. I speak from experience.”
I thought that fruit salad looked pretty good so I scooped myself some and helped myself. After dinner we had another meeting but I didn’t see Rainbow for much of the evening. Spitfire was talking about a rescheduling, which unfortunately didn’t give us more sleep time, and about a rich kid from Canterlot who booked Soarin and Wave Chill for a private party. Then because we had a “great day” we watched an old movie about a pony who moves to the suburbs. It was a pretty sappy movie, Rainbow walked out half way through because it was so lame, whereas Soarin started crying when he had to leave his pet chicken behind.
I went to my room and laid in bed, thinking about Ponyville and the ups and downs of being a Wonderbolt. I pulled a Then suddenly there was a knocking at my door. I saw a muzzle and 2 dark pink eyes looking into my room.
“Hey Rainbow. You can come in.”
Rainbow walked in, looking shyly at me in bed.
"So, yeah, first day of being a Wonderbolt... sounds like cause for celebration."
“What are you suggesting?”
“Let’s fuck again!” She asked with an excited face.
"Then why are you just standing there, you waitin for an invite?"
She unzipped her uniform and threw it on the floor, as did I with mine, and she climbed on top and plunged her tongue into my mouth as usual, and the blanket between her legs was getting soaked.
“What do you say me and you pull some G’s?” Rainbow asked.
“You mean you want to cross flight paths?” I asked.
“Ah, that is so sappy!”
“Come on, just play along!” I said, making Rainbow laugh some more.
“Ok then” she said in an artificially deeper voice. “Ready for docking at your command, Major. Fire when ready!”
At this time we were both laughing at the silliness of the roleplaying we had been doing, after which she crawled lower and inserted my member into her mouth, right as Soarin opened the door while trying to knock. Rainbow’s pupils contracted and she shot her head up, leaving a string of saliva hanging from her mouth.
“Oh hey, sorry for disturbing you two, it’s just Spitfire has something important to do.”
Spitfire walked out from behind Soarin with a smug look, unzipped her uniform and threw it on the ground. Rainbow’s wings shot out from behind her. Soarin followed her lead, except instead of taking his uniform completely off, he just unzipped it up to his waist, letting his balls and penis hang out, slowly getting larger.
“Ummm...” Rainbow and I both stammered simultaneously.
“You see, as per the contract both of you signed without reading through, like every Wonderbolt, we must have an orientation. It’s tradition.” Spitfire said calmly.
“Are you ok with this Rainbow?”
“I was just about to say...”
“Oh and If you don’t...” Spitfire added. “That’s grounds for dismissal.”
“Well you know” Rainbow said. “This is for our jobs... but you know I’m the element of loyalty, I wouldn’t cheat on you!”
“I guess it isn’t cheating if I let you...”
“Awe, come on it’s going to be fun” Soarin said with a bright, sincere smile.
“Yeah, what’s the point of being coltfriend/marefriend if it means we have to pass us opportunities like this?”
“You’ve been waiting for this a long time, huh?”
“Oh, big time” Rainbow said with a smirk.
Soarin hopped onto my bed and greeted Rainbow’s face with his now long, throbbing, light blue pink-tipped member. Rainbow took him into her mouth and he began hoofing her.
“Hey” Spitfire said seductively, laying down on my bed on her back, her head facing me. “You’re a rookie too, and since we haven’t officially broken you in yet, you get me for the night.”
She put her forehooves under my arms and threw me over her, my head landing between her legs. I got the message.
“You’ve done this before, haven’t you?” she asked as I explored her, after which she took me into her mouth too.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see Rainbow sucking on Soarin, sweating bullets as he continued to hoof her hard. Suddenly she stopped and pulled him out.
“Oh you better not finish on me yet. We literally just got started!” Soarin said intrigued, pulling his hoof out to stop stimulating her. Rainbow sat up and concentrated for a bit.
“Ok I think I’m fine now.” She said, blushing.
“You really scared me there.” Soarin said, shoving his dick back in her mouth. “I thought I was going to have to spend the night with myself again...”
He wiped off his hoof on my bed and inserted the other one back into Rainbow.
“Why’d you slow down?” asked Spitfire.
“Oh sorry I was just watching Rainbow.”
Soarin giggled and Rainbow playfully flicked me on the forehead.
“Alright I think we’re plenty warmed up” said Spitfire, sitting up then pushing me down, laying on top of me, with a big smirk on her mouth and a look on her face saying she wasn’t nearly done with me.
“I think we’re more than ready” agreed Soarin as he got behind Rainbow.
Spitfire lifted herself up and slid herself back down on me. “Oooh” she exclaimed, her juices running down my leg. “Well aren’t you gonna do your part or are you just a doll I’m playing with?”
With that, I flipped her over, almost colliding with Soarin, spread her lips, and began thrusting into her.
“There you go!” she said excitedly. I began palming her nipples. Her tits were flat to her body, just like Rainbow’s. I guess that helps a lot with her aerodynamics.
I saw Soarin again going in and out of Rainbow’s flank. Rainbow wasn’t making much noises apart from the seldom “Oh my gosh”, opposed to Soarin’s grunts; she just lay there, her butt up in the air, her head on my pillow, her tongue sticking out of the huge grin on her mouth, her eyes rolled to the top of her head. I was sincerely happy she was having a good time.
Spitfire’s tongue was sticking out the side of her smirk as she pressed her forehooves against my hands on her tits, pushing them harder onto her. “This is your only freebie” she informed me. “I suggest you make the most of it, because if you want more of this you’ll have to work for it.”
“Are you asleep?” Soarin asked Rainbow, since she wasn’t doing much.
“No, I think she’s just having her fillyhood dreams fulfilled.” I replied.
“Oh really?” Soarin chuckled. “And what might those be?”
“Spending the night with a Wonderbolt” she said under her breath.
Soarin chuckled again. “So am I!”
This time Spitfire laughed too. “Well it looks like ol’ Soarin here likes you, maybe this won’t be a one-time thing.”
Rainbow attempted to say something but it was drowned out by the spit drooling out of her mouth. Everyone’s breathing had become shallower and Soarin and Spitfire, and I guess I also, began sweating profusely. Spitfire’s mane, like Rainbow’s, had begun to stick to her coat and forehead.
“Final stretch, rookie” she said, panting. “You’re going to have to speed it up!”
I went in and pulled out faster and harder than earlier, and Spitfire’s eyes began dilating. She liked that a lot.
“Oh yeah. Here it comes!” she said, closing her eyes and gripping the bedsheets as best a pony could. As she came, she squirted all over me, and it ran down my leg like a river.
“By the way” Soarin said belatedly. “Spitfire is a serious squirter.”
I was overcome by this and I rammed into her wet pussy one last time, blowing my load all over her insides. Rainbow came right then too, spilling her juices all over my nice and clean bedsheets, and she collapsed on them, panting. Soarin was the last to finish, screaming in a very high-pitched voice that made us all laugh and made him blush heavily, all the while shooting his filling on my pillow, down Rainbow’s back, and on her flank, and it slowly dripped down between her legs, making her shudder. All four of us lay there for a minute, taking in what just happened, and I tried to wipe Spitfire’s juices off my leg, only to be confronted with more of Rainbow’s covering the sheets.
“Whoo, that was fun.” I said shallowly, trying not to waste my breath.
“Oh, you don’t think we’re done yet, do you?” asked Spitfire in a voice in which you couldn’t tell if she was serious or just trolling you. “We still have all night!”
“I think I’m out of commission for a bit.” I said, pointing to my dick, shining from it being covered in all sorts of juices, now hanging limp.
“Oh no you’re not!” She said, pulling my head between her legs again.
“But I just came all over that place!” I retaliated.
“Well you should have thought of that before!” she said, thrusting her hips back up to my face.
“Just do it...” Soarin whispered sincerely.
I wiped off the cum on her lips and plunged back in. I explored some more until I hit a spot that made her gasp.
“Good job, you found it!” Spitfire congratulated me. I felt like asking “found what?”, but I didn’t want to ruin my congratulations so I just decided it doesn’t matter what as long as Spitfire is pleased with me. I grew semi-erect now. She was becoming increasingly wet, to the point where I could no longer try to avoid my own cum and just dug into that spot.
This time Spitfire made a legitimate face like she was about to finish hard. I didn’t even bother to see what Rainbow and Soarin were doing; I just wanted to finish Spitfire.
“Come on! Give it to me!” she shouted, squeezing her forehooves tighter, pressing my hands harder against her breasts. She came again, sending warm cum all over my unsuspecting face, moaning as her head fell backwards. She just lay there for a while with a content smile on her face, with liquid still dripping out from between her lips. I wiped the cum off my face and turned to see how Rainbow and Soarin were doing.
“That was pretty hot!” Rainbow exclaimed, hoofing herself.
Soarin just sat leaning against the wall, playing with his dick as he bit his bottom lip, precum dripping off the tip.
Spitfire sat up and smiled her usual innocent smile. “Good job rookie. Maybe I might be seeing a bit more of you after all...” She leaned over and kissed me, her tongue licking at the crevices in my mouth where there was still traces of our cum.
“Alright well we’re getting up early tomorrow so I guess it’s time to head b- AGH! Damn it Soarin!”
Soarin blushed and apologized, quickly zipped up his uniform and left the room.
Spitfire rubbed her eye, trying to get his cum off of it, laughed a bit, and got up to leave, the drying cum making the bed sheets follow her flank until she peeled them off. She exited the room like nothing happened.
“Misty are you still up smoking?” we heard her yell in an unusually authoritative tone, as if what just happened didn’t even put her in a good mood.
“I’m sorry ma’am I’ll be going to bed no- say is that cum dripping out of your vagina?”
“BED!”
I shut the door and saw Rainbow laying on my bed, rolled up into a little ball, breathing lightly. It was so cute, like the innocence portrayed when reading My Little Dashie, barring the now room temperature cum all over her coat.
As I sat down on my bed, she got up and hugged me from behind.
“Hey, you wouldn’t mind doing that thing Soarin did to me?” she asked kindly.
“You mean this?” I asked, lifting her rump up, spreading her cheeks wide apart, and thrusting my now hard dick deep into her little pink butt.
“Awwwww yeah that’s it!” she said, and we continued to have fun throughout the night.
“Listen to me... You run a shit-hole of a kitchen you fucking dried up camel turd!” A voice rang from England. “Why don’t you go back to America where you belong with the rest of the wanking wimps, and take your ass sandwiches with you!” He yelled, throwing a hamburger at a McDonalds employee.
“Mr. Ramsay, please calm down. If there’s anything I can do for you-“
“Why don’t you go fuck yourself you dirty twat! As long as I have a hole in my ass, I will never eat at this establishment! Why the fuck would you go into my fucking kitchen, sulking because you fucked up the food, and try to pass it off as anything less than canned dog shit?”
“Sir, this isn’t your kitchen it’s a fine McDonald’s restau-“
Enraged, Chef Ramsay took the cashier and beat him to death with a ketchup packet. He then proceeded to climb over the counter and into the kitchen, and somehow managed in just 30 minutes to turn a McDonalds into a 5-star restaurant, right as the police broke down the door and pointed their batons at him.
“You do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defense if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.” One constable yelled, inching (or rather, centimetering) closer to Ramsay, with his baton still aimed at him like a gun. Of course, police neither carry guns nor handcuffs, that is much too barbaric and frankly, American.
“You think you’re so smart, yeah? These potatoes are WAY TOO FUCKING SALTY! You’re going to give someone a fucking ass-ripping heart attack!”
“But Chef, that’s how we always-“
“Again with your fucking excuses, thinking you’re so smart with your carpet munching liberal arts degree and stupid idiot string theory fucking cow toilet paper!”
Time-space warped around Ramsay, and in a flash he disappeared, leaving a stunned British police force and a permanently emotionally scarred crew of McDonald’s employees.
*
We had our usual semi-annual performance in Ponyville, all except for Soarin, who broke his wing in a silly door-opening accident. The event had just ended, marking Rainbow’s first public performance as a Wonderbolt. I didn’t get to watch the show, but Spitfire sat the finale out to judge the quality of the flying. Everypony crowded into a small meeting room below the stands.
“RAINBOW! WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS THAT!?!” Spitfire cried.
Rainbow’s eyes shot open and she looked puzzled at Spitfire.
“Before the show I gave you one simple instruction. Even though we haven’t rehearsed it much, I put you in the back so that you can follow the rest!” Spitfire spat out. “And what did I see you do? I saw you going as fast as you could go, passing everyone, disrupting the ‘V’ formation!”
“I’m sorry, I-“
“If you want to keep being a Wonderbolt, you better learn to be a good follower! This isn’t a one-pony-show; this is skilled synchronized avionics!” she said, turned around, and walked out to do her own things. I had a sinking feeling that Rainbow might get booted off the team, so without even waiting to see Rainbow’s reaction, I went in the direction I saw Spitfire heading.
I eventually stumbled upon a room guarded by a pegasus guard. He seemed to pretend I wasn’t even there, seeing as I was a Wonderbolt, and didn’t flinch when I opened the door a crack.
“Alright, ja!” a voice said from behind a corner as white light flashed through the room and a shutter clicked. I could see in a corner of the room Spitfire stood with a beach backdrop, in her uniform but with her head cover off. What was she doing?
“Ja, gut! Bring in the second backdrop! Schnell!” Spitfire got up, and the beach backdrop was replaced with a riveted steel backdrop with the REA logo and a mock-up barrel of a tank was carted in. “Ok, Spitfiya, lie down on ze barrel vit ze barrel betveen your legs.” Spitfire obliged and lay down on the barrel of the mock-up tank. “Nein, no; pull the suit down some more.” Spitfire pulled the suit down until her breasts were almost exposed. “Just a bit more... nein, never mind, just take ze whole thing off!” Spitfire took the uniform off and threw it off the set. She laid back down on the barrel and looked saucily at the camera. “Gut, gut!” the voice said as the camera snapped some more. “Now same thing, but on your back!” Spitfire sat up, and rolled over onto her back, spreading her legs to show the closeness of the barrel to her...
She suddenly saw me and squinted. I backed up from the door, gasping, and began to walk away. A hoof tapped on my shoulder.
“Where are you going?” Spitfire asked in her usual comforting voice.
“Just- you know... I wanted to talk to you...”
“You have my attention.”
“I was wondering about Rainbow...”
“I think you are also curious about what I was doing in there.” She said, beginning to walk back towards the meeting hall, one hoof around me, holding something in it.
“Yeah that kind of beat the old question off. Why were you taking pictures on a tank barrel?”
“Here” she said, handing me what was in her hoof. It was a collection of pictures she had just taken, but with words edited in. In all of them she had taken saucy, suggestive pictures, but it also had some phrases edited in as the caption, such as “Keep ‘Em Flying”, “Go Get ‘Em Boys”, Think YOU Got What It Takes?”, and “Saddle Up”, in some she was even wearing a REA officer cap and nothing else, and at the bottom of them all it says “Recruiting now” followed by addresses and phone numbers of REA recruiting agencies.
“So you’re making people join the army? Why?”
“You know, I spend so much time being captain of the Wonderbolts, rarely do I have time to actually BE a Wonderbolt, so off on the side I do some quick jobs that require my fame to accomplish, such as posing for recruitment propaganda. Also, it’s nice to know you’ve still got the looks.” We both laughed.
“But why not just do an infomercial or something? Why this ?”
“Oh, silly medic. The army doesn’t need nerds who overthink things. It needs stallions who don’t think with the brain in their heads and never defy orders.” She says lightheartedly. “So the way we pull them in is by making them think with the brain between their hind legs!” She finished, flicking a forehoof against the side of my head. I felt embarrassingly turned on.
I didn’t even realize it but we were already back at the meeting room. She opened the door and yelled “DASH! FRONT AND CENTER!” and walked back and stood alongside me.
“Actually, I wanted to ask a question about Rainbow, not with Rainbow.”
“I think she might be able to answer it for you.”
Rainbow stepped out of the meeting room and looked at both of us.
“Hey, I was just wondering if you really meant that you were going to kick Rainbow out...”
Spitfire cracked up, and Rainbow just flat out started laughing.
“Spitfire wouldn’t kick me out over something like that!”
“Yeah!” Spitfire chuckled. “I would just make her life living hell until she stopped being such a lazy asshole!” Spitfire started laughing loud, but Rainbow just chuckled this time, nervously. “As you were, Dash.”
Suddenly Twilight popped in on us. “Quick, Arthur!” she yelled. “I need you here!” She closed her eyes and strained, teleporting us, and also Spitfire and Rainbow by accident. We appeared in the field where the CMCs found me, and she was pointing at a man in a white suit. “No way” I thought out loud. I ran up behind him to see who he was. All of a sudden he pointed his finger at Berry Punch.
“Hey you bloody twat! Why the fuck do you have those fresh fruits glued to your ass?”
I facepalmed. I recognized the voice. It was none other than DUN DUN DUUUUN
“No, you don’t understand” Berry Punch began. “This isn’t real fruit, it’s just my cutie mark. Like a picture that doesn’t wash off.”
“Bloody hell. Now I’m stuck in a retarded lucid world of leftist pussy horses, who all have tramp stamps!”
“What do we do with him?” Twilight asked.
“That guy is bad news. He is known as a celebrity on our planet who very liberally swears like no one else.”
“I think I can deal with him!” Rainbow said brashly. Of course she thinks she could, she’s Rainbow, after all.
“Hey you! What in the name of Celestia do you think you’re doing here swearing everypony off?”
“Oh look it’s an ugly lesbian one!”
“What’s a lesbian again?” she whispered in my ear.
“He just called you a filly fooler.”
“Oh what? I’ll tell you what, Mr. I’msosmartI’lljustmouthoffeveryponyinsightbecauseIthinkI’msocoolbutreallymyballshaven’tdropped, you are just a big, mean bully.”
“I don’t take shit from lesbians. Especially ones that strap ears onto their heads and tails on their assholes. Bloody furries...” he said, mumbling away.
Rainbow hovered in the air, her jaws dropped. If it wasn’t for Twilight quickly holding Rainbow’s tail, she probably would have done a sonic rainnuke right there, destroying half of the town.
Ramsay skipped down the sand and cobblestone streets, singing “With muscles aplenty but brain oh so sparse; the skank Yankee bugger with his thumb up his arse...” to the tune of “The Man on the Flying Trapeze”. He kicked a mare in the shin along the way, and yelled some profanities obscured by the distance he was from us by now.
“Great. Just great.” Rainbow said sarcastically.
There was a flash of magic as a scroll combusted and disintegrated in the air in a green flame.
“I sent the princess an urgent message of the situation!”
Great, I thought. Now he’s going to call the most powerful being in Equestria an astronomical wanker. We all followed Ramsay, but kept our distance so as to not induce an attack, like a safari, except I am in Ponyville and we’re observing a British TV chef skipping around, singing an insulting tune about Americans, every once on a while stopping to make fun of somepony.
“So I told him, ‘why would I be named after a lyre if I can’t even play one because I have hooves?’, and he just shrugged and walked away! Bon bon, I swear the next pony to make fun of me, I will clock them in the jaw!”
“Ello you bloody twat!” a voice rung behind Lyra. She looked down between her legs to see what he was referring to. After a moment she realized that was an insult and a frown descended on her face and her lips receded.
“What did you say?” she asked rhetorically.
“Why are you green? Is your ‘special talent’ looking like barf? I’ll tell you what, I’ve eaten some nasty shit, and most of it looks just like your fucking asscheek coat!” Ramsay walked away, content, as Lyra’s last string of self-confidence snapped.
“Lyra are you ok? I’m sorry about what he said about your cutie mark...”
“Oh easy for you to say! You have an easy special talent!”
Bon bon’s forehead turned to a frown. “You don’t know what my special talent even is, do you?”
Lyra stammered. “Of course! Its wrapping- I mean selling candy, right?” she asked, smiling sheepishly.
Bon bon frowned and began walking away.
*
Princess Celestia descended from her skies on her chariot, accompanied by two royal pegasus guard ponies who were pulling her.
Everypony bowed down, so I did too, feeling a bit odd that I’m the only pony not on his knees.
“Alright, my faithful student, where is the bastard?”
Twilight pointed a nervous hoof towards the center of Ponyville with the fountain where I met Soarin, and sure enough he was there running around pushing anypony he could in.
“HEY!” Celestia boomed in her royal voice. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!”
“Look at you ya bloody cock licker. Your hair waves even though there’s no wind. How can you say you’re not a slut without lying th-“
A beam of magic flew at him and he disappeared in a flash.
“He won’t be bothering anypony anymore for a while now.”
*
Chef Ramsay woke up in a dark dungeon cell with a mattressless bed and an old iron sink. There’s a hole in the floor where there used to be a toilet. A prison guard pony slid him some food and spat on it between the bars.
“This isn’t a fucking airline, you don’t have to fucking make it seem like one you carpet muncher!” Chef Ramsay yelled. The guard, emotionless, turned around and returned to his post. Ramsay examined his tray. A scoop of gritty mashed potatoes and a dead rat with a thick glob of spit running down its leg. “Bloody hell, this food is almost as fucking disgusting as in fucking McDonald’s.”
Chef Ramsay examined the food, and pulled out a lighter he kept in his pocket. He twisted his left ear clockwise in almost a complete circle and a hissing sound came from his nether regions. He lit the lighter and a giant flame shot out of his little hairy butthole, coating one of the walls in flame. He dialed his ear back half way, reducing the flame, and put it under the sink. He heated the sink up until every time a drop of water hit it, the water sizzled and evaporated. Using his tray as a spatula, he tossed the dead rat and gritted potatoes on the sink, swinging wildly at it as flames continued to pour from his butthole.
10 minutes later the guard returned to check on him. He found the chef eating a 5-star restaurant quality meal of herb-crusted rat tenderloin with bacon and sour cream potato skins with garlic and sprinkled in shallots and dill.
*
Princess Celestia trotted down winding spiral steps to the royal dungeon to examine on her new prisoner.
“WELL WELL WELL!” she exclaimed in her booming royal voice. “WHO DO WE HAVE HE-“ she stopped, her eyes wide. Before her lay the lifeless bodies of two guards, one of whose keys were missing. They had died of cardiac arrest, brought on from repeated ruthless taunting and cursing. Her horn began glowing brightly and she disappeared in a flash, reappearing before Twilight, Rainbow, and me. Spitfire had long since flown back to Canterlot, but I decided to take a break with Rainbow.
Ramsay ran across a field not too far in front of us, flailing his arms wildly, yelling inaudibly, but more likely than not something one wouldn’t want to hear anyway.
“Alright, reasoning didn’t work, locking him up in my dungeon didn’t work, and we have one last alternative.”
“Alright!” Rainbow yelled, cracking her neck.
“What is it, Princess?” Twilight asked, the only one who didn’t know what she meant.
“We are going to BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT ASSHOLE!” Celestia roared, as everypony around charged at him.
Soon he was swarmed over with ponies of every color and race, getting pounded on from all sides. One tan pony with a blue and pink mane bucked him in the chest, knocking the wind out of him.
“Good job Bon bon!” Lyra cried from the other side of him.
“I’m still not talking to you.” She replied forcefully. “And don’t think you can talk your way out of sleeping on the couch tonight again.”
Rainbow soared out of the sky and swooped down low, landing a powerful uppercut right into Chef Ramsay’s chin. “That’s for calling me a filly fooler!” she shouted back, but not completely satisfied... yet. She flew up high into the sky.
“How’s that for a tramp stamp?” Berry Punch yelled, rubbing her butt down his leg, leaving a thick pasty brown streak.
“What did I do to deserve this cunt twatting?” Chef Ramsay sobbed. “All I did was show my support for the string theory!”
Suddenly time-space forgave him, and sucked him back into a worm hole.
*
“Ello ya bloody wankers!” Ramsay yelled from behind a counter at a few policemen who remained in the McDonald’s after the killing that happened... 2 hours ago.
“Oi, you!” one of the officers yelled. “You aren’t getting away this time!” he shouted, holding up an even bigger bat and holding it in his arms like a rifle.
“Hah, I can manipulate fucking space-time you buggers! I don’t need any of your bloody wanking twatteriness, because I control the string theory in my shakable mind!” he yelled incoherently.
This time the universe swayed and lurched, severely angered by the chef. A new wormhole opened, sending him to another paralleled universe.
“Great. More disproportionate bodies, more fucking cartoony shits, and more annoying assholes to piss me off!” he yelled at the creatures around him.
“You better watch your smurfin’ mouth!” one of the creatures yelled at him, pointing a sharpened stick.
*
“Finally we got rid of him!” Twilight cheered.
“Wait... did anyone tell Rainbow?” I asked, as I saw a cyan streak approaching the ground, already with a Mach cone around its body.
“Damn it!” Celestia yelled, creating a force field just large enough to cover us. Rainbow hit the ground, creating a giant rainbow-colored mushroom cloud which billowed upwards, and everypony at ground zero of the explosion flew outwards.
“Don’t worry, I got it!” Twilight shouted, and her horn glowed, along with the rest of the ground below us. “There!” she said. “I turned the ground into gelatin!” Suddenly a screaming mint-colored pony fell out of the sky and landed right in front of us, splatting against the gelatin, which made no effort to divert the energy, and red droplets sprayed all over the force field, sounding like a car going through a car wash. Celestia looked disappointingly at Twilight as the mangled body struggled to breathe. Celestia’s horn began glowing again, and teleported everypony in front of her, reassembling any who had the misfortune of making an early landing. She handed Twilight a quill and some parchment.
“Get writing” se commanded.
“Oh, I have so much to write about, I learned so much today!”
“Too bad. I want you to write 1000 times ‘when ponies fall out of the sky, I will not make the ground gelatinous or else I will be sent back to magic kindergarten.’, I expect it by nightfall” she finished, and flew back to Canterlot for dramatic effect. She could have just as easily teleported back, but she just couldn’t help but look at Twilight’s face, on the verge of tears. She especially loved the part when she sulked back to her library and began writing, only to realize the quill was of invisible ink, and it was a joke all along.
“I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I” I said. Rainbow looked at me with her trademark “what the hay are you talking about” look.
“You humans tell the weirdest jokes. I don’t even know what a hitler or a schertzofurnic is... Here’s a quality joke. So this stallion wants a job, but he stutters terribly. He walked up to another stallion one day and said “C-c-can I h-h-have a j-j-j-job?” The other said “no, sorry, you must speak well with clients.” The stallion moped home and was sad the rest of the day. The next day he found a mare selling flowers. “H-h-hello” he said. “C-c-can I h-h-have a j-j-job h-h-here?”. “I’m sorry” she replied, “but you stutter much too often for me to understand you!” The stallion kept walking until he saw a firehouse with a help wanted sign on. He went in and said “Ex-ex-excuse m-m-me, but c-c-can I h-h-have a j-j-job h-h-here?” One of the firestallions said “We would, but you stutter far too much, and we can’t have that in critical situations”. “♫But I don’t stutter when I sing!♫” The stallion pleaded. “Oh alright” the firestallion replied. “You can work security tonight.”
Later that night the stallion saw that right across the street from the firehouse a sawmill was burning down. He quickly took out his radio and shouted “Th-th-the saw-saw-saw m-m”. “Sir, I can’t understand you” the operator replied. “♫The sawmill is burning♫”! “♫Wah cha cha wah cha cha♫” the operator replied.”
“I don’t get it...”
“See, the operator thought it was a song, not an actual emergency.”
I thought about it for a while.
“WOOOOW. That joke was lame.”
“Oh fine, it’s always the clean, non-racist ones that are never funny.”
“Well Rainbow, why don’t you tell me a ‘good’ one then?”
“Because Scootaloo is right next to us” she said, pointing to the orange pegasus behind us.
“Hello Dash” Spitfire said, hovering over us.
“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!” Scootaloo cried from behind Rainbow’s flank. “It’s Spitfire!”
“Hey!” Rainbow barked. “Who’s fan club are you the president of anyway?”
“THAT is the president of your fan club?” Spitfire interrogated, fluttering to the ground and laughing.
“Yeah!” Scootaloo shouted proudly. “She’s the fastest, coolest, most radical pony who always dresses in style!”
“Fastest? Aw come on little filly, you ought to know better than that!” Spitfire laughed.
“That’s because I AM the fastest!” Rainbow asserted. “Celestia herself said it at the young fliers competition!”
“Oh, don’t scare me like that Dash. You know that I am the fastest. You do, don’t you?”
“I’m pretty sure you’re not.”
Spitfire fell down again and rolled on her back laughing, tearing up a bit. “You were serious? That makes it even funnier!”
“If you’re so fast why haven’t you ever performed a sonic rainboom?”
“Look, Dash, I assumed you knew this, but apparently you didn’t. When you break Mach 1, you do a sonic rainboom, because, well, you are rainbow-based. But something different happens when I break Mach 1...”
“A race then?” Rainbow challenged.
“You and me to Canterlot, winner gets bragging rights.”
“That’s all I ever wanted” Rainbow affirmed, and simultaneously they took off.
Rainbow at first led by a nose, but was quickly overtaken. Even though both were going hundreds of miles per hour, they looked like two dots barely moving relative to each other, with a blur of fauna. A Mach cone quickly developed around each of them, as Spitfire steadily overtook Rainbow. She clenched her eyes to keep them from drying out, unlike Spitfire who, rarely nude in public, had big glass aviator glasses protecting her eyes. Rainbow watched intently at the tip of the Mach cone, sharpening to a point, slowly unraveling. It was breaking the spectrum. She was going to do it; her first ever parallel sonic rainboom. The Mach cone sharpened to its full extent as bolts of static hit the air. She was so close, she could feel it. Just a bit more and-
Everything went white. Rainbow, blinded, instinctively raised both hooves to shield her eyes, and the Mach cone, sensing the disruption, violently ejected her back. Her singed fur smoldered, and when her retinas recovered from the wash of purple, she saw in the sky a ring of fire, with a smoldering streak of burning sky leading to a small golden dot, already at the gates of Canterlot. She picked herself up, limping from the burn on her left forehoof, and walked to Canterlot. I took the train.
Rainbow wiped her watery eyes as I rubbed her with sunflower oil.
“D’aww, come on Dashy! It doesn’t look too bad...” Spitfire commented.
“That’s not why I’m upset. I lost. I thought I was the fastest, but I wasn’t. I thought I was unique in being able to break the sound barrier.”
“And who better to lose to than the captain of the most elite aviators in Equestria? I’ll tell you what, you really gave me a run for my money back there!
“Guest for Rainbow Dash and Arthur Human!” Soarin yelled from behind the hangar door
“You know that’s not actually my last n-“
“Hello everypony!” a pink pony yelled.
“Pinkie what are you doing here?” Questioned Rainbow.
“I’m just here to volunteer because I get so lonely without my little dashie washie and... ummm... Arthur... wh... jar... McArthur! Like that old guy in the military uniform who watched the 80’s My Little Pony!”
“Wait what?” Spitfire said, questioning the mental stability of the pink pony, and rightfully so.
“Well you see there was this one general I saw while breaking the fourth wall in the 80s... Douglas McArthur was it?”
“Wait so you can see people?” Rainbow asked, more puzzled than ever.
“You bet. Right now we’re being watched by 2,000 kids between the ages of 5-10, and 2,000,000 people between the ages of 14-40. I guess since the 80’s the show has become much more adult-themed.”
“Dash should I call security?” Spitfire asked sincerely.
“Pinkie why are you here?” Dash asked again, concerned.
“I’m just here to volunteer as a cook, like I said.” She said with an inappropriately large smile.
“Don’t tell me” I said melancholically. “You’re going to make cupcakes.”
“Well, now you ruined the general idea.”
“And you’ll ask for Rainbow’s help.”
“How did you know? Do you have Pinkie senses?”
“I read a book about it this one time.”
“A cookbook?”
“Nearly threw up the first time around.”
“Surely the food wasn’t that bad.”
Now I spoke with my ‘soldier remembering Vietnam voice’;“I had nightmares for a while. Couldn’t clop for 45 minutes...”
“All this because of cupcakes?”
“It was horrible. You were cutting Rainbow apart and chopping her up and showing her corpses of her friends, and giving her adrenaline shots whenever she would pass out...”
“I’m not sure who to call security on now” Rainbow said frankly.
“And there I was- I had a good friend blasted by an RPG round on a search and destroy mission on the Ho Chi Minh trail. I mean, I've seen blood and gore before, but when it's someone you've spent a lot of time with, day in and day out, and he's lying on his back missing an arm and a leg, with a bone protruding out the top of his body, you want to help him any way you can.
As my friend lay there, on the verge of dying, I thought, "for what?" I wanted the fight to end quickly so this medic chopper could leave and things could return to normal. Soon he disappeared from my sight, but to this day they linger in my consciousness. The only thing I could do was pray for my friend. I fell to my knees and prayed like I had never prayed before. I asked God to please be with my friend, keep him safe and to please let my friend live! "Amen" "Amen" and "Amen"...”
I snapped out of my insane state and looked back at the 3 ponies staring at me. Spitfire and Rainbow held their mouths open, staring blankly at me like I just pulled a pineapple out of my pants. Pinkie, on the other hand, was sitting intently, clapping excitedly as I finished my quick story, cheering, like I just pulled a pineapple out of my pants.
“Oh, also I was going to say that the Equestrian parliament is holding elections for the prime minister, and was wondering whether Dash wanted to run, since she is now old enough.”
I felt a foreshadowing flashback coming on.
*
“Rainbow Dash, mein führer, what are your orders to parliament?”
“Yeah, this world isn’t nearly cool or fast enough. I want everypony to increase their idle speed 10 fold, and I demand every school be replaced with a junior speedsters flight academy!”
“But mein führer, the enemy Iran is at our borders, what do we do about the potential threat?”
“Simple, Flam. Nuclear threats fix everything.”
*
“NO!” I cried. "I mean, Rainbow, you have other priorities to attend to."
“Righty smitey whitey tidies!” Pinkie said. “Let’s have fluttershy run!”
*
“Fluttershy, Mrs. President, what are your orders to parliament?”
“Oh dear, I don’t want it to sound harsh. I just want everypony to be happy and do whatever they want.”
“But Mrs. President, the enemy Iran is at our borders, what do we do to prevent the ferocious creatures living there from attacking us?”
“Flam, I guess we could talk them out of it?”
Flam facepalmed.
*
“Something tells me that won’t quite work.”
“What about Applejack?”
*
“Applejack, my queen, what are your orders to parliament?”
“The people are well-fed, but’m due to our capitalist regime, our darn tootin’ competitors are quickly industrializing against us and are planning to leech us out of all our resources!”
“And what do you plan on doing against the enemy Iran?”
“Flam, you misunderstood my priorities. I don’t need to get rid of Iran. I need to get crush competition like you and your darn machine! Iran won’t invade us or face... ECONOMIC SANCTIONS!”
“They already began.”
*
“No something tells me we will turn neoconservative. Again.”
“Alright, how about Rarity?”
*
“Rarity, my beautiful overlord, what are your orders to parliament?”
“Well Darling, I simply must have everypony looking their best. We can’t be the leading nation if even a single pony is in drabs!”
“But my beautiful overlord, the enemy Iran is at our borders, what do we do about the potential threat?”
“Ummm. Darling, isn’t there someone more qualified to answer that question for you? Why are you always picking on me for all the ‘big decisions’? Its not like I’m the prime minister or anything, I’m just the overlord. People are always complaining that they are hungry and look emaciated and just never stop bothering me, and I can never eat a daisy sandwich without gaining a pound, and don’t even get me started on women’s bathroom lines...”
*
“I think I’d prefer Rainbow.”
“How about Twilight?”
*
“General Secretary Twilight, what are your orders to the Duma?”
“Well the economy is booming, everypony has a higher standard of living, and general prosperity is sweeping Equestria. I would say maintain status quo.”
“What about Iran?”
The sound of a stick snapping rung from Twilight’s head as her ear twitched violently.
“The enemy Iran, as I have heard is at our borders. We must respond, but how should we do so most prudently?”
“Perhaps a meeting, a treaty of some sorts?”
“How widespread is the news spread about Iran?”
“Not far, ma’am.”
“Good. Censor it out of every newspaper, and remove it from any textbook. He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. If weakness means anything at all, it means the thought to tell people what they do not want to hear.”
“What shall we do about Iran though?”
“We immediately declare war!”
“Isn’t there anything more humane than war?”
“The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of lives, but of the products of ponykind’s labour. War is a way of shattering to pieces, or pouring into the stratosphere, or sinking in the depths of the sea, materials which might otherwise be used to make the masses too comfortable, and hence, in the long run, too intelligent. We cannot be both the world’s leading champion of peace and the world’s leading supplier of the weapons of war.
The entire Islamic world condemned Iran. Nowadays, because of the unwarranted invasion of Iraq by Celestia and Luna, which was a completely unjust adventure based on misleading statements, and the lack of any effort to resolve the Palestinian issue, there is massive Islamic condemnation of the Equestrian Empire.
“But, ma’am, starting a large bombing campaign against a democratic country is surely inhumane!”
“It is almost universally felt that when we call a country democratic we are praising it: consequently the defenders of every kind of regime claim that it is a democracy, and fear that they might have to stop using that word if it were tied down to any one meaning. Words of this kind are often used in a consciously dishonest way. Bombing is not especially inhumane. War itself is inhumane and the bombing plane, which is used to paralyze industry and transport, is a relatively civilized weapon. ‘Normal’ or ‘legitimate’ warfare is just as destructive of inanimate objects and enormously so of pony lives.
“Where is our god now?” Flam cried into his sleeve.
“Is ponykind one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of ponykind’s blunders?”
*
“Pinkie, how about none of us run?”
“Oh you don’t want to run either?”
“I don’t think I’m eligible...” I said frankly.
Pinkie pulled out her pocket-sized Declaration of The Rights of Ponykind and of The Citizen of Equestria and unfolded it, reviewing the massive parchment coated on both sides in tiny words.
“The Prime Minister of Equestria... yadda yadda yadda... at least 25 years old and a resident of Equestria.... yadda yadda yadda... obsolete part of this clause provides that instead of being a natural born citizen, a person may be a citizen at the time of the adoption of the bill... This clause is sometimes said to ... Nope, sorry, you have to be 25. You’re 16 last I heard.”
“Well darn.”
As she stuffed the massive folded parchment back... wherever she kept it, a small object fell out. It floated and landed right in front of me, sideways. It was a picture of Big Mac with a heart sticker.
“Pinkie what is that?”
“Oh, that’s just a picture of my coltfriend.”
“Big Mac is your coltfriend?”
“Well sure. We do all that kissy stuff and go on dates sometimes. Don’t you and Rainbow ever go on dates?”
Rainbow and I looked at each other inquisitively. “Never crossed my mind I guess...” Rainbow remarked.
“Oh well there’s this really nice restaurant in downtown Canterlot called Snooty Cannellini. It’s very nice!”
Looks like I have plans for tonight...
“Soooo... this is the place? Not the Snot Cannelloni or whatever?” I asked sheepishly. The building was mossy and the brown bricks were frosted in a slime green. The sign was on a post, something I haven’t seen outside old early 1900s pictures. It had writing on it so fancy I could barely make out “Parti de la Tranquillité”.
“Yep, this is the place!” pinkie said happily as she entered. “Don’t worry about me; it’ll be like I’m not even here”
Upon hearing her voice, some of the chefs ducked down and many of the patrons hastily requested their checks, barely touching their food. At one corner of the room, Soarin and Spitfire saw us and buried their heads behind the menus. I guess they’re in the romantic-dinner-make-up phase of their love/hate cycle. I’ll never understand women.
A waiter showed us to our square wooden table, sans tablecloth, and Rainbow and I sat on two antique chairs facing each other, sliding in on the white linoleum floor, overlooking the big bay windows. We picked up our menus, and the obvious ensues. Everything is borderline overpriced, and the food is inedible to humans. It just seems like a million ways to prepare wild grass and some salads.
“What may I interest you in drinking tonight?” a pony in a black suit asked.
“Sprite” I said, out of force of habit.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Sorry, what do you have?”
“Water, teas, sarsaparilla, punch, assorted juices, berry compotes, as well as alcoholic beverages which are listed on the back of your menu.”
“I’ll have water, I guess.”
“And the lady?” the pony asked, looking at Rainbow.
“I’ll have water too” Rainbow replied.
The waiter folded his big black book onto his pen and walked away. Pinkie, however, who was sitting not far from us, started a ruckus.
“What do you mean you’re out of sarsaparilla? It says right here on the menu that you have sarsaparilla! I wonder why it’s spelled ‘sarsaparilla’ if it’s pronounced like sas-puh-ril -uh?”
“Ma’am, would you like something else instead? We have a fine assortment of juices...” said a blue waiterpony with darker blue hair and music notes for a cutie mark. He must have had limited success in his “special talent”.
“Yes, I would like a tall glass of coffee, double sugar and a Red Bull.” Pinkie said emotionlessly.
“I’m sorry, ma’am, but... we cannot serve that to you.”
“Are you discriminating against ME!?!”
I facepalmed and Rainbow groaned simultaneously, as more eyes turned to Pinkie.
“Hardly, madam, calling this discrimination would be like calling it religious intolerance to not let a suicide bomberpony to explode because that is the will of his god” he said frankly, but not inappropriately. I like that waiter.
Pinkie huffed and replied “come back in a few minutes.” Her waiter nodded and disembarked, pouring some more water into Rainbow’s cup of ice. Another Rainbow Dash tapped me on the shoulder.
“Ye- OH WHAT THE F-“ I stopped myself. Rainbow froze, looking at us, her muzzle in the glass cup, in the middle of the process of drinking.
“Hello Arthur, I am Rainbow Dash” a voice said, crudely but with significant success replicating Rainbow’s slightly gravelly voice.
“What the heck...? Who are you?”
“It’s me, Pinkie!” Pinkie said in her normal voice. She took off a makeshift mask to reveal her face, and suddenly she became Pinkie again. “The changeling queen taught me to do this the other day. She was really nice and all, and now I can replicate absolutely anypony!” She took a blank mask template out of a rather large metal cigarette box, and a few crayons, and drew a pretty bad picture of Soarin. Surely enough, when she put the mask on, Soarin was staring right at me.
*Ahem* “I am Soarin and I like pie. And Spitfire. But mostly pie.” She said in an artificial baritone.
She returned to her seat right as the waiter returned.
“May I- Oh Soarin, you’re sitting here now? Ok then, what can I get you?”
“I would like a tall glass of coffee, double sugar and a Red Bull.” Soarin said in his artificial baritone. The waiter batted a peculiar eye at the pony and slowly walked away, looking back to see if he was just getting trolled.
“Will you be having appetizers or go right to the entrée?”
“I think I’m ready to order” I said.
“Me too” added Rainbow.
The waiter took our orders, Rainbow ordered some carrots cooked in some French way which she handily mispronounced, though I could likely do no better, and I ordered what I thought was corn wrapped in grass and drizzled in mayonnaise. Then again the French words and the font did me no justice in ordering what I thought I ordered.
“What did you order?” Rainbow asked quizzically.
“I have absolutely no idea” I said at first comically, but then my words faded to self-pity. “I’m probably going to die anyway from lack of iron since all I have eaten as of yet is hippy food!”
“What’s a hippy?” Rainbow asked.
“It’s a counter-culture movement of the 1960s to protest the war in Vietnam and to do drugs, also to rebel against authority, and they had concerts like in Woodstock where more hippies played songs like “We Didn’t Start The Fire ” or “I Feel Like I’m Fixing To Die Rag ”, which are great songs, and... you probably don’t understand a word I’m saying.”
Rainbow looked at me dumbly, but corrected herself and tapped me on my arm. “You are so weird! What is it with you and Hillter and Vietnam and the rants you do about Bush and the oil companies oppressing the 99%?”
“Well see, on Earth we have mass-media that make these stories on people getting mauled at the zoo or some old grandma finding a finger in her food.”
“Don’t they ever do any news that’s... well... good news?”
“This one time they had a story on Osama getting killed.”
“A killing? That’s good news?”
“Point taken. Yep, we humans just barbaric technologically advanced caveman-nerds.”
Rainbow looked at me funny again but then just faced the fact that she won’t get a straight answer from me whether I want to give one or not.
“I’m sorry ma’am, but this was ordered by Soarin” the blue waiter replied.
“Oh horse flank!” Berry Punch yelled from where Pinkie sat. “I demand that drink!”
“I PLEAD THE FIFTH!” Soarin cried, hiding behind the first thing he could find in his uniform; the Sports Equestriated magazine. Spitfire rolled her eyes and slumped on her elbow.
“Ma’am, please keep your voice down...”
“Are you accusing me of being on my period?”
“No, not by any-“
“ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHAT PART OF MY MENSTRUAL CYCLE I AM ON!”
“Ma’am... are you by any chance...”
Pinkie took her mask off and revealed her true identity.
“So you have found out my secret Mr...” Pinkie examined the waiter’s uniform. “... Mr. Noteworty .” She quickly taped a bit coin onto the mask and put it on, and the bit coin rolled away, snatching the coffee.
Our plates arrived, and Rainbow received a tray of burnt carrots, and I received a plate of small mushroom stems and a pineapple. Not even cooked or in any way prepared. Just a pineapple.
“Romantic Pinkie says...” I mumbled.
“It’s not that bad I guess...” Rainbow said. She bit a burnt carrot, letting a loud crunch ring through the room. Her face slumped. “First and last time I lie to try to spare anypony’s feelings.” She thrust some bits on the table, as did I, and we left.
“Let’s go get a flatpie or something” Rainbow suggested. “I don’t need any fancy schmancy atmosphere or burnt carrots to make me feel loved.”
“A flatpie? I have never heard of that...”
“It’s kind of hard to explain, but you have to try it. I remember Scootaloo’s face when she had her first. Magic, I tell you.”
A pink shockwave rocked downtown Canterlot and bricks and glass littered the street behind us, as smoke filled the dark blue sky and a little pink dot rocketed through the air, leaving a pink brushstroke behind her.
“I wonder if Pinkie could also break the sound barrier...” Rainbow said, but quickly took it back. No one wanted to imagine the day.
We made a left turn at a firehouse, out of which two stallions sprinted, one with a ladder and a hose, the other with a big red axe, wailing loudly into the night in a warbled cadence. We strolled onto a ramp made of horizontal wooden beams, sand littering the cracks, held down by rows of large nails. It led to a broader walkway, also made of wood, but instead of horizontal rows it had diagonal rows, separated by lateral wooden beams.
“Ah, the boardwalk...” Rainbow sighed. “Free to walk on, with the best breeze and scent of ocean air. Why do people even go to fancy restaurants, beats me. And look!” She pointed a hoof over the long sandy beach, past the rows of jetty, and to a little glowing island, covered in insignificant buildings, with a backdrop of Luna’s moon. “That island is Manehattan, the second most populated city in Equestria, but certainly the most bustling and restless.”
“I thought we were going to a flatpie store?” I asked, or rather stated with heavy doubt.
“Oh we are, it’s right at that place” she pointed her hoof at a giant ferris wheel, glowing pastel colors in the night sky, which by now was nearly pitch black. “It’s called Pony Island; don’t ask me why, it’s not an island at all, and it barely has any ponies, mostly zebras smoking weeds.”
“Mmhmm...” I gestured, smelling the thick stench of weeds in the air already. “Surely it can’t be worse than the human world parallel to this place...”
A few quick gunshots rang from a few blocks away.
“I take it back.”
“Yeah you have to be careful. It’s a lot of fun here during the day, but at night the zebras come out, and smoke their weeds, and often get into chemical fights. That popping noise you heard was probably jars of potion hitting the ground... Just don’t attract attention to yourself, and stay close to a big strong mare like me, and we’ll be just fine” she reassured.
A few eyes batted at us, but other than that it was uneventful, despite the fact that being surrounded by zebras and their by-products, mostly the smell of the weeds, is a huge turn-off.
“Alright, here we are!” she said with large eyes, looking at a sign illuminated by lights that says “Family Flatpie Shoppe, since 1917!” A few other ponies sat on barstools bolted to the boardwalk on the outer rim of the large yellow counter, inside of which 2 stallions scrambled in front of a large oven.
“2 please” Rainbow said, slapping 4 bits on the table and sliding them over to one of the stallions. He nodded and put the bits in a locked box, and continued doing whatever he was doing. Suddenly a third stallion entered the area sectioned off by the counter with what looked like a very large paddle, opened the oven, and pulled out a... PIZZA! IT’S A PIZZA!
Rainbow looked at my face and smiled. “That’s Scootaloo’s exact face!” she remarked.
“No, Rainbow, you don’t understand. THAT IS MY FAVORITE FOOD!”
“That’s also what she said, but first she actually ate her piece... You sure are quick to judge!”
“IT’S PIZZA!”
“It’s... what now?”
A stallion slid everypony a slice on a thin paper plate, and I bit a piece off of mine.
“Oh my gosh, IT IS PIZZA!”
“Is there something I’m missing here?”
“On my planet, we have this same exact thing, but it’s called pizza.”
“Really? A hair-depleted flatpie-loving friendly alien. Those sure don’t come around often” she joked, elbowing me in the ribs, and began happily munching on her flatpie.
We finished our flatpies and headed back to the hangar. We passed the restaurant we were at, which was a charred mess that resembled Twilight’s library after Pinkie; I could tell because both look very much like Berlin in 1945. One stallion poured water on smoldering remains of a kitchen, while another was wailing and flashing red and blue strobe lights on the walls, quite unnecessarily as the whole downtown Canterlot didn’t need to know that they were there, but they knew anyway from the previous explosion. A chef was being helped out of the rubble by the blue waiter.
We passed the guard gates, and after a screening to make sure we weren’t changelings, we were let in and were greeted by some of the other Wonderbolts. We told them about the events and the cause of the explosion, and how we saw Spitfire and Soarin. Almost immediately everypony threw a party, not because they wanted them to be hurt in the explosion, they just knew that when those two go out together, the next morning they are usually too exhausted to deal with those who woke up late. I agreed with their logic and had some shots of vodka with Rainbow, which quickly escalated into a contest. And then we went to bed, and everything sexual happened.
Spitfire’s eyes shot open as her alarm kept screeching. She hit the snooze and looked at the time. 8:35 IN THE MORNING! She’s over 2 hours late! She jumped out of bed and began to get dressed. Soarin turned over and mumbled, grabbing more sheets with him.
“GET UP LAZY SHIT!” She yelled authoritatively. Soarin shot up and clenched his teeth.
“AGH MY HEAD!” He cried.
“I told you to drink more water” Spitfire replied unsympathetically and tossed him a wrinkled male uniform from her closet; one he forgot in her room a few weeks ago.
*
Soarin was finally dressed, and they disembarked to the locker room for their goggles and to get washed up; the locker room was where the bathrooms were. Spitfire trotted hastily down the hall, whereas Soarin paced carefully, trying not to clop his hooves on the ground too hard. In the locker room, everypony was busy with whatever the crap they were doing. Fleetfoot was spraying his hair to make it stiff, Misty was in a corner smoking, Rapidfire and Thunderbolt were in adjacent stalls, vomiting, and Soarin felt like joining them, while Rainbow, I, and pretty much the rest of the Wonderbolts were in the rec center, playing Apples to Apples.
“Ok Wave Chill, you judge now” Fire Streak said.
“And the green card is... malodorous. Smelly; fetid; foul.”
Rainbow Dash immediately slapped a card down. Fire Streak quickly followed. After some time Surprise and High Winds also slapped their cards down.
“Alright... a broken leg... what? Going to grandma’s... I love my grandma so... Richard Nixon?”
Rainbow tried to suppress her giggles.
“... NO! And professional wrestling. Ummm... fuck you all all of these suck! I’ll go with broken leg. I don’t even.”
Surprise chuckled menacingly and snatched the green card.
“Ok Surprise, you’re up next to judge.”
“Hello everypony!” Spitfire said in a loud, slightly creepy voice, specifically to scare everypony.
“Oh hi Spitfire” everypony said, unaffected. “You’re up!”
“Oooh! Can I play!?!” Soarin asked excitedly, wiping the residue off his muzzle.
Spitfire rolled her eyes, unamused.
“So did you hear about the explosion at the restaurant we were at?” Rainbow asked, uninterested but bored.
“No... what explosion? We left just before both of you left so...”
Spitfire chuckled and shot that look at Soarin, which meant only one thing.
“That was an explosion? I thought that was just you Soarin.”
Soarin didn’t even pay attention at this point. He was all too used to Spitfire’s sex jokes.
Spitfire frowned and sat down and passed herself some cards. “I guess today can be our off day.”
“Message for Arthur Human!” A mailpony called out.
“Damn it my last name isn’t- fine what is it?”
The mailpony handed me an orange envelope bound with red wax. I undid the envelope and read the letter. It was from princess Celestia.
“My faithful team medic of the Wonderbolts,
I cordially invite you to the grand opening of the Royal Equestrian Aeronautics and Space Administration, where it is our goal to by the end of the decade to land a mare on the moon, to which position Luna so graciously volunteered. Yadda yadda yadda... by South East Ordianace 1.02.5A7-7U33.21”
“What’d you get yourself into this time, tiger?” Spitfire asked condescendingly.
“I thought he was a human.” Surprise joked in his usual heavily Latino voice.
“It’s a letter from Princess Celestia about some sort of aeronautical thingamahoogle, I don’t know but I’d better show up”.
“When is it?” Rainbow asked.
“Pfff, I don’t know, but knowing Celestia I should head out now. She probably times these things to the nearest millisecond”
*
“Ummm, if you would have read more carefully, it says to show up at 6 tonight. It isn’t noon yet.” Princess Celestia said, amused but disappointed. “Anyway, in the wingless pony’s long quest for flight, nopony has really had any breakthroughs, until this fine day..."
Two unicorn stallions stepped out from behind a gray tarp covering a rather large object.
“I present to you Flim and Flam Wright, and their latest invention...”
Flim and Flam dragged the cover off with their magic, revealing an aluminum and fiberglass fixed-wing aircraft.
“I call it... The Cessna 182 with Garmin G1000 Avionics Glass Cockpit”
“Wait, the Flim Flam brothers made this? I thought they were run out of business by Applejack!”
“Let me humor you, if that’s all the same with you” Princess Celestia said, handing me a scroll.
“Dear Princess Celestia,
I didn't learn anythin'! Ha! I was right all along! If you take your time to do things the right way, your work will speak for itself. Sure I could tell you I learned something about how my friends are always there to help me, and I can count on them no matter what, but truth is I knew that already too.
Reply:
My faithful apple farmer Applejack,
Well aren’t you a wise little bitch, you communist asshole. The Flim Flam Brothers created a machine which would ease everypony’s work and increase output by 300% while still maintaining the utmost care, quality, and sanitation, and yet you organize a small army to work their asses off and still manage to drive them out of town. Many stallions fought bravely and lost their lives for the cause of giving them the opportunity to free enterprise and creating new ideas that would ease everypony’s work. You sicken and disgust me, filthy peasant.”
I lowered the scroll from my head.
“So now after that whole ordeal, I hired them as government agents to build flying machines that are more controllable than hot air balloons.”
“And so we...” Flim began.
“My brother and I”
“Created this wonderful machine”
“Powered by Bernoulli’s Principle and Iranian oil”
“To fly whilst we speak”
“In tandem.”
“Alright let’s stop. But seriously, we need a test pilot to fly this, and we decided since you humans already came up with these things, maybe you can learn to fly this?”
“I’ve flown that before...” I stated matter-of-factly
“Did you now?”
“Brilliant! Off to the site we call the air strip!”
“So called because it’s a place where AIR planes take off, and it has a nice view of the STRIP club across the street.”
“And so we’re off!”
*
I flipped on the engine and pulled the chocks. I set flaps to 20% and ran through all the crap on my checklist, and took off. The plane ran surprisingly well for a completely untested prototype, and the GPS worked wonderfully for a planet that had no orbiting satellites besides the moon. I just set the trim and continued flying to the hangars at Canterlot, giving the observing Wonderbolts an airshow, and almost got shot down by the guards. Unfortunately, the landing was the hardest part, and no doubt the roughest. Fortunately, both the plane and my body were usable after, therefore relatively speaking it was a pretty good landing.
“Wow!” I exclaimed, cutting the engine so as to not give anypony accidental prop rash. “How did you make such quality plane so fast?”
“Oh this pile of junk? That’s just a prototype!”
Flim and Flam then unveiled from behind another tarp a fully loaded F-18 and behind it a Boeing 737. Not bad at all, I must say. Now if only ponies could flight-line marshal...
*
I met Rainbow on my way back to the hangars in Canterlot.
“Where are you heading?” I asked.
“Well since we have the day off, I figured we could go to Ponyville. We haven’t seen any of our old friends in over 2 weeks! Seriously since I joined the Wonderbolts I haven’t been seeing them much at all.”
“What’s in the bag?” I asked, pointing at the bag around Rainbow’s shoulder.
“It’s just a little something for a shelf in my old home, probably to collect dust...” she said, tucking the bag away under her uniform.
“Fair enough” I said. “Shall we take the Apache there or the F-22A Raptor?
We took the Raptor.
*
We arrived in Ponyville with the usual greeting to the windows, except this time by a large jet-propelled hunk of metal. We were greeted by Twilight and Applejack, who helped us out and we went for a walk, parking the plane at the edge of the Everfree Forest. We left the keys in, we figured if anypony can figure out how to work it, they deserve to have it. We began chatting about the usual. Applejack had a cousin, Braeburn, over; Twilight read more boring books about how to properly apply for a license plate number at your local DMV. Sometime after strolling, Applejack and Twilight parted ways, and we headed for Fluttershy’s house to drop in and say hi. However, along the way, a familiar little orange pegasus walked into our path, staring at the ground.
“Hi Scootaloo!” Rainbow said cheerfully.
“Don’t you hay me!” Scootaloo rebounded.
Rainbow withdrew, shocked. She looked up at Rainbow, her eyes welling with tears. “Are you ok?”
“Ever since that human showed up and then when you left to fly for the Wonderbolts, I could never see you! I thought it would be great before for you to join them, but now I see that it’s all horribly wrong!” Scootaloo cried, the tears building up in her eyes releasing down her face. I backed away, fearing incrimination for taking Rainbow away from Scootaloo.
“You were always like a big sister to me! We used to play together, even though sometimes you were too busy, but still you would always pat me on the head. You tried to teach me how to fly, even though I didn’t have my big filly wings yet, and even when I would fall and cry and not want to get up you made me anyway, because you knew I could!”
“Squirt, I didn’t-“
“And that one time when I fell from a tree and scratched my hind leg, you put a bandage on it, even though you usually would say it’s no big deal. You knew it wasn’t a big deal! You just wanted to. And that one time my mane was all rainbow and I had your cutie mark on my flank; I said I fell into paint, but I really didn’t, I just wanted to be more like you! I’m always trying to be more like you!
You are the only pony who believes in me; who cares about me! I look up to you! But now you’re never here and I’m all alone. Sure Applebloom and Sweetie Belle are here, but it’s just not the same.”
Rainbow picked up a hoof and wiped the tears from Scootaloo’s big, round purple eyes.
“Squirt, you’re way too cool for these tears!” she said, kissing her forehead. She reached into her suit and pulled out a little Rainbow Dash Wonderbolt plushie and gave it to Scootaloo.
“I’ll always be with you. I’ll never leave you; I’ll never forget about you. You are a little sister to me.”
Rainbow and Scootaloo hugged, this time tears streamed from both of them. I decided to just leave them alone and headed back to town.
*
The day in town was eventful, but not interesting at the least. I went to an electronics store run by Palestinian ponies who tried to sell me hacked black market equipment. When I asked them why they say it’s new they reply “Is new to you!” I spent about half an hour in pointless argument with the stallion, really just because I had nothing better to do. I saw Twilight walking through town, and she stopped just to explain to me non-Newtonian matter, like wet corn starch and ketchup. And that, my friends, is how you kill an hour of your life.
*
I decided to check up on Rainbow and Scootaloo, because when I get bored I do stupid things. Like write-the-f-word-on-a-bathroom-mirror-in-front-of-a-teacher stupid things (that is hypothetical; I never actually did that).
“And look!” Scootaloo said excitedly, and she unfolded one of her wings in front of Rainbow, revealing a little asymmetrical feather appearing in the back row of her wings.
“Is that what I think it is?” Rainbow asked, her face glowing.
“Yeah! It’s a big filly feather!
“Well, congrats on your first remex, hot shot!” she said, nudging an elbow into Scootaloo’s side.
Scootaloo giggled. “You’re so funny when you do that!”
“What?”
“When you call me names like ‘squirt’ or ‘tiger’ or ‘hot shot’”.
“I’m sorry, would you like it if I stopped?”
“No! No, please!” Scootaloo exclaimed, hugging Rainbow’s foreleg.
“Now that I’m becoming a big filly, what other cool things will I be able to do?”
“Listen, squirt, if I told you every cool new thing that starts to happen at puberty, it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun discovering for yourself!” Rainbow said philosophically, and buried her muzzle in Scootaloo’s little purple mane.
View Online
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury; This Does Not Make Sense
CHAPTER ONE
Me and one of my friends were intensely debating one of the new episodes of My Little Pony. His argument was that the chain of events that happened to Twilight (in her going back in time) is a paradoxical impossibility. I argued that Steven Hawking’s theories would explain for any paradoxes that could occur.
“You see, Arthur” he said, “Twilight put herself in a paradox where the original outcome could no longer exist by going back in time to tell herself where the scrolls are, she could not have continued without the future Twilight explaining to her where the scrolls were, who needed another future Twilight to explain that to her in the past”
“Actually” I conjectured, “Steven Hawking’s multiverse theory clearly calls for infinite possibilities to each possible outcome, therefore when Original Twilight, by any means at any point, traveled back in time, she didn’t warn herself, but rather a Twilight from a parallel universe, because clearly she wasn’t warned by any other Twilight, because she is the original. In which case, the Twilight in the parallel universe was able to go back in time to another parallel universe and warn herself, creating an endless chain.”
“Maybe” he sniffed. “Maybe… But you failed to account for the string theory proposed by…”
“Fuck the string theory!” I barked. “The string theory is a bunch of bologna!”
With that phrase, space and time began weaving around me, and with a sudden burst of sparks I disappeared.
*
Several hours had passed and I woke up in the middle of a field, surrounded by 3 creatures with disproportionately large heads which had disproportionately large eyes.
“Well howdy there stranger!” the yellow face with red hair replied.
I passed out again.
*
As I woke up, I heard some familiar voices
“Now what am Ah gonna do with this here creature?”
“Ah don’t know sis, we jus’ found him in a field while tryin’ to get our cutie marks and we couldn’t jus’ leave him there!”
“I think he’s waking up!” a purple unicorn said.
I stood up and everypony in the library stared at me.
“Hello. My name is Twilight Sparkle. Do you under-stand?” She asked in a slow, choppy voice.
“Um, yeah, I think. I’m not dead am I?”
“Well no, but you seem to have appeared in the middle of a field and we’ve never seen anything like you before…” she paused and thought about my situation for a moment. “You didn’t blaspheme the string theory, did you?”
As usual, we got into a heated argument about physics and time/space and other crap most people are too smart to know.
*
Rainbow Dash rocketed towards me, I estimated going well over 500 kph. As she approached, I heard an audible whistle, and as she passed me, this pitch did not drop a bit. I facepalmed.
“Well then, Arthur, I guess we came to a consensus here.” Twilight gloated.
“Yep” I conceded. “The Doppler Effect has never failed me before.” My credibility shattered, I agreed to accept that the Sun moved through the sky with magic but moreover I have traveled into some parallel universe where ponies ruled- not just any ponies, but the awesomest ponies ever. I guess it wasn’t as bad as it could be. After all, I felt so close to the whole scenario I could just write a story about it. But that was for later. Wait, wut?
Twilight snapped me out of my pensive state.
“You ok there?” she asked.
I didn’t really care that everything I knew- be it quantum physics or calculus- was now down the toilet. What was I going to use all that stuff for anyway? I didn’t want to be a microchemist or a mathematician anyway. I counted my fingers. Two plus two still equaled four. I was at peace.
Rainbow, who was now behind me, giggled at the sight of my fingers.
“I still can’t get used to those silly things!” she exclaimed. “Oh well. Pegasi have wings, unicorns have horns, and hummans have those thingies.”
“… humans.”
“Hummans; humans. Same thing.”
I half-giggled at the thought of the mistransliteration. I guess some words people use just don’t exist in whatever language ponies speak. Like human. Then again, there are some words ponies use that humans don’t have in their dictionaries, like clopping.
“Alright, pick up your shattered ego and let’s go back to the library so I can teach you some REAL information.”
“Well ok” I agreed, seeing as though I really didn’t have anything better to do. Earlier today I woke up here in the middle of a field. At first I thought I was sleeping. But I never woke up. Then I thought I might just be high. Then I saw the red ribbon on my shirt promising I wouldn’t do drugs, which by now has flown off. I just decided to take what’s coming as it came. I really couldn’t think too far into the future, because my logic was well and thoroughly flawed. Well, it is now anyways.
I walked up to the library, and opened the door.
“Oh hi, Pinkie” I said as I walked in.
I turned around, and everypony was staring at me, including Pinkie with her jaw dropped.
“How exactly do you know my name?” Pinkie asked
“And how did you know, of all the buildings in Ponyville, that this one happened to be the library?” Twilight added
“Are you a spy ?” Interjected Rainbow.
I thought a bit on how to answer those questions simultaneously without seeming creepy.
“Are you some sort of omniscient alien?” asked Twilight.
“One at a time please. From a show, from a show, no, and alien yes, omniscient no” I replied as best I could.
Twilight looked at me extra funny, deciding whether she was hasty in making me her friend. She sat me down on her couch and interrogated me some more.
“What show? What are you talking about?”
“There’s a show back in my universe/world/planet thing called My Little Pony and…”
“Little? I’m 18…”
There was a pause.
“So you know everything about us?”
“Pretty much”
“You know Applejack works at Sweetapple Acres?”
“Yep”
“And that I am a book worm?”
“Definitely.”
Twilights eyes dilated
“And you know that I masturbate to book catalogs!?!”
“Wait, WHAT? You WHAT?”
Her face grew pink and buried her muzzle in her hooves.
“Never mind…”
I dropped the subject.
“Well to be honest, we have a show on humans too, but I always assumed they were just drawn and animated…”
She flipped on the TV and scrolled through the guide until she came across South Park that was to be on at 9. I facepalmed again, something I seem to do much more often since my arrival. My stomach then rumbled. I haven’t eaten since breakfast.
“Are you hungry?” she asked.
“Actually, I am” I replied
“Well seeing as you are my special guest, I’ll try to see what I can do”
She went into the kitchen… Wait, a kitchen? Ok, not EVERYTHING is depicted on the show.
“You want mayo on your sandwich?” She asked.
“I am your special guest, aren’t I?” I replied.
She smiled and a few moments later brought me a completed sandwich. I examined it hastily and bit into it. Almost immediately I spit out the chunk I bit off.
“What the heck is in this?”
“Let’s see… bread, mayo, some dandelions and daisies…”
I facepalmed again.
“Ok then, tell me what humans normally eat”
I started spitting out foods that popped into my head
“Pizza, burgers, fish sticks, chicken nuggets, ham, oranges…”
“I have never heard of those plants before” She stated.
“Oh, they’re not plant products, most of those are meat products” I said in a partially silly and partially condescending voice, as if I expected any common knowledge to be recognized.
“Did you say MEAT? Like from animals? Like bunnies and cows and… ponies?!?”
I started seeing how this might be viewed as disturbing.
“Well yes but we don’t eat ponies, and bunnies rarely; mostly cows and pigs and chicken.”
Twilight turned a sickly shade of green.
“Don’t you care about their feelings? Do they know you want to eat them?”
“Why, do yours?”
“Well yes, we communicate, verbally or not, with most of our animals…”
Things started to make somewhat more sense. I think.
“Alright, well on Earth, by the way greetings from Earth, that’s where I am from, we don’t communicate with animals and they don’t understand us.”
Twilight seemed to be more at ease with this, however I never did get any meat in my stay as of yet. I eventually ate my sandwich, although the mayo was extra. I decided I had nothing better to do than go out and find a job, maybe earn a few bits and not be such a mooch. Twilight didn’t in particular say I was a burden, but I figured the day would come, preceded by a lot of discomfort for both of us. I went into town and tried to find any help wanted signs. Instead, as I walked through town, everyone- or rather everypony, was staring at me. No doubt I was something to stare at. I had pretty much no hair, relatively speaking, and I stood on my back appendages, causing myself to tower over everypony else. I eventually found a job as a roofer. It wasn’t all that bad, I could be working in the hospital. On my 2nd day I decided to pay a visit to the hospital, just to see what this “great free healthcare” Twilight was talking about was. Blood doesn’t normally scare me, but there was something about the hospital that reminded me of the first (and only) time I ever watched cupcakes. After about the 30 second mark when the axe came down, I couldn’t bear to look any further. I closed the YouTube page and ran to the bathroom where I nearly threw up. I guess it wasn’t that I couldn’t bear to see somepony mutilated, maybe it was just that I couldn’t bear to see Rainbow Dash mutilated. She was my favorite after all, but I didn’t tell anypony, not yet anyway.
My job wasn’t half bad, after all swinging with your hands can drive nails in lickety split, whereas it takes about 10 seconds per nail if you happened to be trying to do the same with the hammer in your mouth. Ouch, by the way. 10 bits an hour was pretty good pay for a roofer, though to be honest from watching the show I always thought that the regime was socialist.
When I came back to the library, Twilight jumped, still not used to a big hairless bear waltzing around the place. I’d always have to duck a bit to enter through most doors, as they were intended for those who walked on all fours. Stretched out on the floor, I was about the same length as Twilight, though. She would always be asking me about life on Earth, taking detailed notes. I told her about how the Earth was created some 20 trillion or so years ago and about the dinosaurs who died out and about George Washington.
“Now who is this George Boshington again?”
“He was America’s first president”
“How many presidents are there?”
“45 I think”
“Can you list them all?”
I thought for a bit and then remembered that one song I heard on Nickelodeon on the presidents.
“Washington, Adams, Jefferson…”
“Adams Jefferson?”
“No, John Adams and then the 3rd is Thomas Jefferson. How about you make the list then we number them, if I try to number them through my list I’ll screw something up more likely than not”
“Alright, go on”
“Uhhh… Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Adams, Jackson, Van Buren, William Henry Harrison… He died in a month and couldn’t get much done…”
I thought for a second, unable to use my iphone because there was no internet in Ponyville.
“I remember somewhere in there there was also Millard Fillmore, then after him Pierce, Buchanan, then Abraham Lincoln.”
“So we are up to 13?”
“Well no, Lincoln was our 16th, I’ll remember the ones I missed later.”
I kept on stating them, my tone getting more rhythmic as I continued down the song until I reached Obama.
“So that’s 44, who is the 45th?”
“I don’t know, might not be a 45th if Obama got reelected. I missed the elections with my time here.”
With that my interrogation for the day ended. I climbed upstairs, trying not to bang my head against the hard wooden low ceiling, and climbed into Twilight’s spare bed. It wasn’t too small as I had predicted, but the pillow was stuffed with feathers and not synthetic fiber, which poked out and to some degree nettled me. I could see Twilight a few feet away, automatically picking up a book catalog. She saw me looking at her, dropped the catalog, and pulled her pillow over her head.
